Work Text:
"Here we are folks, standing outside of the infamous Raven Hill Memorial Hospital! Once again, we will walk the dark, dreary, deserted halls which last housed the notorious serial killer, The Horde!"
His face partially covered by a mask and his eyes magnified by his glasses, giving him an almost insect-like appearance, Zak Bagans peers directly into the camera: "Which of the twenty-four personalities who lived inside Kevin Wendell Crumb might we find this in this episode? Will we encounter the cannibal spirit of his alter The Beast, the evil child Hedwig, or the High Priestess Miss Patricia?" he asks. "Or," he intones, holding up a finger, "will we once more encounter the evil, twisted spirit of Kevin Wendell Crumb, himself?! Come along, as we again explore Raven Hill Hospital; then traverse the Philadelphia Zoo's subterranean tunnels where Crumb lived and worked...and held prisoner three teenage girls--two of whom, along with his psychiatrist, met gruesome murders at his hands; and, lastly, we'll visit the warehouse where he kept more of his victims--victims fortunate enough to escape the slavering DEMONIC hungers of The Beast. See, along with us, the hotbeds of paranormal activity surrounding the sites of The Horde's most notorious acts." His hands lock onto the camera and pull it close, and his magnified eyes gaze feverishly into the lens: "Follow us on our GHOST ADVENTURES!"
"-OK! CUT!-"
Zak pushes everyone out of the way and runs over to watch to the playback. "How was it?! Did I emote enough? I don't think I emoted enough." He looks worried and asks the director, "Do you think we should re-shoot the scene? I only mentioned demons once. I'm not sure I was convincing, but I didn't want to overdo the intro since we'll be doing more than one possession scene tonight." He toys nervously with the edges of his mask, "What do you think?"
The director thinks that he wants to weep, because he can't believe he went to film school for this stupid shit, but he knows what his star wants to hear, so he claps Zak on the shoulder and says, "I think it looks amazing, Zak. You were perfectly sincere and convincing, as usual. This is going to be another ratings hit for GA."
MEANWHILE inside Raven Hill Memorial...
"Oh, for Christ's sake, do we have to listen to this miserable wee shite natter on?!" Ian moans. "Every fecking time..."
Dennis rolls his eyes. "Buddy, you know he hasn't even gotten warmed up yet!"
"This guy's an asswipe!"
"Hedwig!!!"
"Well, he is, Mr. Orwell!" Hedwig pouts. "...Makin' fun of The Beast an' Mr. Kevin!"
"I'm not saying that you're wrong, Hedwig, it's just that there is no need to be profane."
"I agree with Hedwig. Dude's an asswipe."
"No need to encourage that kind of language, Jalin."
"When did you turn into Patricia, Orwell?" Jalin snorts. "One's enough."
"If that ain't the truth!" Barry says, rolling his eyes and trying to hide his shiver at the thought of two Patricias. "And, yeah, that dude is an asswipe. No two ways about it." He kicks out, looking annoyed when his foot goes right through an old stack of papers, leaving them undisturbed. "God, I hate this fucking place!"
"That whole group of guys are asswipes." Everyone swiveles around to stare at Kevin, as he usually didn't talk much. "He's just the worst of the bunch, by far, even if he wasn't makin' our afterlife miserable. I'm sorry for what I done, all of it--even if it wasn't my fault," he side-eyes The Horde members, "but it's over and it's done. I paid the price, and all I want to do is just rest or at least relax a little. But, nooooo, these asswipes have to keep coming around for their ratings fix, and they don't even realize that they really are summoning us up every goddam time they're doing one of their stupid fucking shows! I mean, it's like I can't catch a break! Every time I settle down a little..." He makes a face, bugs his eyes out and whines loudly: "'IS ANYONE HERE?! I FEEL A DARK PRESENCE...KEVIN...? KEVIN...???? ARE YOU HERE!? OH, GOSH!!! YOU'RE HERE!!! I--DID YOU HEAR THAT!!!??? OH MY GOSH!!!! SOMETHING TOUCHED MY ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!'"
Barry wheezes (or makes a wheezing sound, since he doesn't breathe anymore), laughing, draping himself over a desk. "That was hilarious, and a dead-on impression, no pun intended. If I still had actual eyes, I would be crying right now." The other alters seemed to agree since they were all laughing just as hard.
Kevin jumps when he feels a presence at his shoulder. "Would you like The Beast to eat the Unbroken One for you?" The Beast asks, hopefully, scowling when everyone, including Kevin, laughs again.
"No. No I don't think that would really work, being that I'm not actually alive anymore, but thank you for offering," Kevin says, smiling. Then he gets a thoughtful look on his face. "You have given me an idea though."
"Whaddya talkin' about, Mr. Kevin?" Hedwig asks, curiously.
Kevin suddenly lets out a slightly evil-sounding cackle and says, "I'll let you know in a little bit, Hedwig. Everyone just hang out here and chill. I've got some thinking to do. I'll be back in a few."
With that, Kevin dissipates, leaving everyone staring, first, at the spot where he'd been standing, then, at each other.
"I wonder what that's all about?" Dennis asks, sounding worried.
"Yes...I wonder," Orwell echoes, also sounding concerned.
"I guess we'll find out when he gets back," Barry says, trying not to sound concerned. "Meanwhile, you two shouldn't look and sound so damn constipated, you're gonna worry the k-i-d."
Sounding deeply offended, Hedwig says, "I know how to spell, Mr. B-e-a-r-y." The resulting snickers abruptly stop, everyone looking a bit shocked, when he adds, haughtily, "And if it's anything to you grown-ups, what Mr. Kevin is planning, is to open up a big can of whoop ass that asswipe, etcetera."
Orwell clears his throat, "Erm...And just how do you know this, Hedwig?"
Hedwig rolls his eyes. "Because I'm not stupid." They all just stare at him, confused and irritated. He stares back, because how do you explain to a bunch of stupid grown-ups what's right in front of their stupid faces? Finally, he takes pity on them and tries: "Mr. Kevin's had enough. I know the signs. He's gonna kick some ass. We just gotta sit and wait for him to come back so he can tell us what to do." No dice. They still don't get it. He sighs, and tries again: "I know what it's like to be picked on and when enough's enough." He can't help but notice more than a few guilty looks when he says this. Message received.
"Never thought I'd see the day that Hedwig would be the Voice of Reason 'round these parts, but will wonders never cease!" Ian bellows out a laugh. "This is the most entertainment I've had since I can remember. I can't wait to see what Kevin's idea of arse-kicking is going to be!"
"True dat!" Jalin adds, with a grin.
"Are you ready to find you out?"
Everyone turns to find Kevin standing there, grinning an evil grin. "I've come up with a plan that I think will get us a little well-deserved peace and quiet, not to mention, a little payback. So if you're ready, gather 'round, my friends, gather 'round..."
LATER THAT NIGHT INSIDE RAVEN HILL...
"...I'm starting to feel faint, overwhelmed by a dark presence..."
"Uh, dude, something just touched my ass..."
A crew member whispers into his earpiece: *That's not your cue, Aaron. That doesn't happen in the script unti-- *
"No, dude. Something just touched my ass."
Zak gives him the stink-eye, surreptitiously turns toward the soundboard, lifts the edge of his mask and mouths, "Just roll with it."
"I'm feeling overwhelmed by a dark presence, could it be the EVIL spirit of KEVIN WENDELL CRUMB trying to make contact?! Aaron CLAIMS to have just been TOUCHED BY SOME UNSEEN FORCE could it be some DEMONIC spirit trying to make contact!" He looks around wildly, suspiciously, his magnified eyes glittering feverishly. "AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" he screams suddenly, shrilly. "DID YOU HEAR THAT?! Did you hear that?!?! What was that!?!? I-I can't control my limbs, OH, GOSH! I think I'm being POSSES--"
"Zak...? Zak, something touched my ass again."
"Huh-Wha--?! What the fuck is wrong with you, man!?" Zak hisses at him. "You're fucking up the shot!"
"I'm not kidding, dude! Something keeps grabbing my ass. For real."
"Yeah, right. What-the-the-fuck-ever, Aaron. Get it together."
One of the audio techs speaks up, sounding like he's about to shit himself. "Zak, I don't think he's kidding. The equipment is going crazy over here--it's all over the place! We're actually getting what appear to be some Class-A EVP's and stuff." He hears a beep, turns to look at one of the screens, and turns white as a ghost. "Jesus. Oh, Jesus," he says quietly, almost as if praying. "I quit." Then, grabbing his backpack he quickly walks out.
"What in the hell was that all about?" Zak says, blinking his grossly magnified eyes after the tech, "You know this shit isn't real!"
"Dude! I'm telling you! SOMETHING GRABBED MY ASS!" Aaron yells at Zak.
"Come with me!" Zak motions for Aaron to follow him and they walk over to the monitors. As the tech said, the EMF, EVP, and ghost box are all lighting up light fireworks. They'll have to check the cameras later, as usual, but whatever the tech had seen on the screen is gone now, so they won't know what it was until after they were done filming.
"See, Aaron, nothing! That tech was just a baby who didn't want to stay here all night!" He gets in Aaron's face in front of the whole crew and stares him down. "Is that what you are, Aaron? A baby? A big, scared baby? A big, scared baby who's going to cost us our ratings and TIME SLOT?!"
"NO! I'm not a BABY! Don't call me that!"
"Well, good, that's what I want to hear. Let's back to work, then," Zak says, already wandering back toward the set. "I hope we got a shot of that tech leaving. That looked pretty convincing, if nothing else."
The director just shakes his head, weeping internally, thinking of the massive editing job it's going to require to make this episode watchable. Editing may not be his job, but his name's attached to the project, all the same.
"Dude's kind of a hard-ass, huh?" Jalin says, entertaining himself by seeing if he can unlock one of production company's filing cabinets from the inside.
"Dude's a dick!" Barry snorts, "I have to admit that I feel a little sorry for that computer guy, though. Patricia's old wrinkled, sour face is enough to strike fear in to the most stalwart of hearts on a normal day. Seeing her trying to be scary...ugh! Could you imagine?! That had to have been life-alteringly terrifying!" Barry shudders. "Just glad I didn't have to see it!"
"Hey, now. Don't be so hard on Miss Patricia. She can be sweet when she wants to be."
"That's the problem, Dennis. She never wants to be, 'cept to you--an' you fell out of favor." Then Barry chuckles, "Well, she is sweet on The Beast, though I'm not sure if that's funny or horrifying."
A low, menacing growl emanates from nearby. "Horrifying."
"She reads and sings to me sometimes," Hedwig says. "I think that's sweet."
Barry looks a little shame-faced. "Yeah, I suppose it is."
"She used to read and sing to me, too," Kevin says, "when I was little. It was very comforting. Of course, that was before she was instrumental in turning me into a kidnapper, murderer and a cannibal, but ya know...good times, good times."
Awkward silence.
"SO!" Barry says, all fake-jovial, "What's next on the agenda, Kev?"
"...WE ARE inside the cell where KEVIN WENDELL CRUMB was housed during his incarceration at Raven Hill. You can see, here, along the walls, the lighting arrays that would strobe and force undesirable, violent alters to switch to less violent alters." Zak runs his gloved hands over the dust and cobweb-caked lights, then points to the floor: "Though the room was constantly monitored by cameras, if you look at the floor here, you can see remnants of the taped perimeter that would automatically activate the array, should Crumb attempt to attack anyone coming through the door. There was also a switch by the door that could manually activate the array, if necessary."
"Here it comes, dog, here it comes! He's gonna activate those fuckin' lights, I know it!"
"Calm down, Jalin. There's nothin' to worry about. He's just showin' off."
"I'm telling you, Dennis! He's gonna do it!"
"I think Jalin's right. He's gonna fire up those fecking lights."
"IT HAS been years since the terrible massacre at Raven Hill. The atmosphere of an old mental hospital would heavy with restless, uneasy, tortured spirits at any time, but because of the horrific acts committed here by KEVIN WENDELL CRUMB, it is even more so. The building has been long abandoned and fallen into disrepair, but we here at Ghost Adventures are hoping to hook up some generators and re-activate the light arrays, using them to perhaps call forth some of Crumb's less active alters."
"I fucking knew it!"
"Oh, shit!"
"Oh, man! He starts strobing those lights, and it's all over!"
"Yeah, well he's not gonna get the chance," says Kevin. "Time to step it up."
Jalin, Ian, and Barry are running around the facility, "fruit-basketing" all of the cameras, in addition to leaving some very interesting Class-A EVP's for the GA crew to find.
Hedwig is having the time of his life (so to speak), wreaking havoc, as instructed...as well leaving some interesting, though unintentionally chilling, EVP's of his own.
Orwell...well, Orwell is just told to sit in front of the EVP devices and talk about whatever he wants for as long as he wants.
Dennis is told to "stand behind people and look menacing" (which he does very well).
Kevin has something special planned for The Beast.
"KEVIN?? KEVIN, ARE YOU HERE??? I-I FEEL A DARK PRESENCE...KEVIN...??? IS THAT YOU...??? IS TH--"
*YEAH, it's me.*
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! THE FUCK??!!!!!" Zak looks around suspiciously, "Who said that??!"
*It's me, Kevin. Yo, dog, what's up? I thought you wanted to talk?*
"JESUS CHRIST!!!!" Zak looks around in a panic.
* No, man. I told you, it's me, Kevin. *
"STOP fucking with me! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!!"
* Actually, it kind of is. I'm only sad that this isn't a live-stream, so that all of your viewers can see the truth--that you believe all this shit is fake. *
"I WOULD NEV--" Zak sputters indignantly, eyes bulging.
*Ah, ah, ah* Kevin admonishes. *I have the misfortune of listening in every time you film a show about me, so no telling tales. I know the truth about you guys.*
"Who's doing this?! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" Zak screams. "Aaron, if you're pulling a prank, you are so dead!"
"I'm not doing anything, Zak!"
A ghostly, put-upon sigh... *I keep telling you, man. It's me. Kevin Crumb. You keep bringing me here, and to the zoo, and to the warehouse, asking me to talk, so whaddya wanna know?*
"STOP FUCKING WITH MEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Zak screams again, then whirls around and points at the director and crew: "Are you still filming?! Why are you still filming?!!"
"Uh...don't worry Zak, you know this will all get edited out," the director assures him, hands shaking so bad he can barely light his cigarette--the one he keeps on hand for "special" occasions.
*I'm not fucking with you, you're fucking with me.*
"WHAT?! What are talking about?!"
*I'm gone and all I want is a break from the horror show that was my life, but you keep inadvertently summoning us back here for your stupid rating hike, and you don't even believe in this shit. It's getting a little old.*
"Zak, oh my, GOD! Zak, the devices and monitors are going off the scales over here! That audio tech who ran out of here was right--we're getting a shit-ton of EVP's, for real!" The crew member who spoke, then turns white, and says, "And on the monitor, there's an outline of someone standing next to you."
"Bullshit! You know those are just shadows and light anomalies!"
"Crossing their arms and tapping their foot...?"
"WHA-?" Zak's grossly magnified eyes bug even further out.
Kevin slowly materializes before an astonished and terrified GA Crew *Me and my crew are getting a little tired of you and your crew, and things are about to come to a head. Look, the way I see it, this can go one of two ways. One way* He holds up a ghostly finger *I give you a little inside info--sort of an exclusive--then, me an' the Others put on a little show for the cameras so's you get a lot of 'evidence', you and your crew "barely escape with your lives", you get your through-the-roof ratings--and you never bother us again.* He pauses, smiling.
"Wh-what's t-the other w-way?" Zak stutters out.
*I'm glad you asked.* Kevin's smile widens. *Turn around and meet The Beast.*
Zak turns around to see the 'smiling' face of The Beast, who growls out *HELLO, UNBROKEN ONE*
Kevin looks around the room at all of the terrified faces (the ones who haven't passed out from fright, anyway) *No one ever believed The Beast was real, but now you know he is, and if you can refuse to co-operate, The Beast will make your lives very, very unpleasant.*
"But...BUT if we have REAL EVIDENCE of PARANORMAL EXISTENCE HOW CAN WE IGNORE THAT?!!! IT WILL PUT US ON THE MAP AS LEGITIMATE PARANORMAL INVESTIGATORS!!!!" Ignoring the pleas from his crew to shut up and just get the hell out, Zak continues, "NO ONE COULD TOUCH US! WE'D BE UNSTOPPABLE!!!!!!!!!! WE. WOULD. BE. GODS!!!"
Kevin just stares at him.
*Are you fuckin' kidding me? I tried to work with you. All I've ever wanted is to be left alone, in peace.* Kevin feels an overwhelming rage ramping up deep inside of his soul, and it just comes pouring out of him in a scream that shakes the very foundations of Raven Hill:
*GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!*
He takes a deep, shuddering breath to center himself, and calls out *Douchebag*
Watching the crew of Ghost Adventures run from the building, leaving half of their equipment, was incredibly satisfying and empowering to Kevin. Maybe those assholes would come back someday and get their equipment. He would love to see their faces when they saw the camera images and heard the EVP's. Imagine, having all of that evidence and probably not being able to use any of it. Not that it would matter if they did use it. That show was so atrocious, that no one would believe it anyway. Kevin did enjoy the sweet irony of that a great deal--after spending a lifetime of not being believed for telling the truth, he might to get to see these professional liars suffer the indignity of not being believed for telling the truth for once.
His alters gather around, clapping him on the shoulder, slapping him on the back. "Damn, Kevin! Where did that come from?"
"Well," Barry says. "I don't think they're gonna be back any time soon."
"I hope not," Kevin tells him. "I think I tapped myself out. Ya know, I've been thinking...I don't much like the zoo anymore. I never liked the warehouse. I didn't like this place, either, but it's kinda grown on me in the last little bit. Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere more, er...permanent, any time soon, what do you guys say about making this our place--at least for the foreseeable future?"
"I suppose."
"Good a place as any."
"All in all, I'd rather be at peace, but you're my family...dysfunctional as it may be, and as long as I've got you, it's not so bad, being in the light."
Class-A EVP Samples retrieved from the Ghost Adventures RAVEN HILL MEMORIAL HOSPITAL Investigation:
*So that's a ghost poop!*
*I didn't think I could do that anymore! My afterlife is looking up, dog!*
*Awww, man, I got ectoplasm everywhere!*
*...and the best part about it is, is that ectoplasm is like lub--*unexplained interference*
*Did you fart, Barry? Cuz I smell sulfur?* *Smeller's the feller, Dennis*
*Miss Patricia is going to murder me, I know it!*
*Imma listen to Machine Gun Kelly's Bad Mother-* *Hedwig, don't you say that!*
*Heh! A fecking ghost boner! Who knew?!*
"Anybody know how to get ectoplasm stains out of pants?"
*No, no! You can stimulate it--Unexplained Interference--side. It's like [expletive deleted] fireworks going off!*