Chapter Text
Wei Wuxian had enough .
He had enough of the snide remarks that people had made as he roamed the streets, mocking his disheveled state, his lack of a sword, his...everything. The voices in his head weren’t any better to him, they amplified the cruel words and tossed them in his head, convincing him that he wasn’t enough.
He never wished to be like that, did he?
Yes, he was born with a smiling face, he could grin even in the face of adversity, even when he was about to die in a cave, right beside the dead carcasses of the Xuanwu. Everyone seemed to think that every insult to him, was just brushed off as a joke. He had experienced it at a young age from the cutting remarks about his parents, about his gentry, about him, and he was supposed to push them all away, to just label those comments as a joke .
Wei Wuxian might have acted like a fool, but he was not one. Who would place debt on a child? Who would tell the child that he was one of their own, only to never put them in their registry or allow others to address him as a son of a servant?
His mother was the famed disciple of the immortal.
Yet, he was reduced to just a mere son of a servant. He wondered if his parents would be rolling in their graves, to know how their achievement and recognition had been lost to his gentry, of being a lesser being- just because he was an orphan. Or because the family he was adopted in felt scared about his standing.
Despite all, he loved the Jiangs with his heart- even with Madam Yu’s poisonous words, Uncle Jiang's indifference, Shi-Jie's complacency, and A-Cheng’s inferiority. He kept silent about the treatment he faced, knowing that it wouldn’t have met any difference. It was like being rewarded with a sweet piece of candy after suffering, and as long as he had the candy- Shi-Jie's lotus pork ribs soup, what was the mere punishment to him? He could overcome anything , as long as they loved him as he did.
Wei Wuxian knew that Uncle Jiang’s indifferences would have resulted in the destruction of Lotus Pier, and he was right. He came out with multiple protective arrays and talismans, ready to update the compound's security, but instead of preparing for the worst, they had doubted if the Wens would attack the Jiangs as if what happened to the Lan’s several months ago had been a fluke. They didn't feel the need to put up his protective arrays, and Madam Yu was too stubborn, not wanting to implement the works of a servant, one that she hated as well.
Wei Wuxian had enough of debts.
People kept throwing debts on him, things that he could never escape from, things that he barely had a choice on. The options given to him were never leveled- he was forced to choose between living or dying, just like that fateful day Unle Jiang had saved him from the streets years ago, malnourished and injured. He never expected to be treated like what Uncle Jiang had claimed his new identity to be, but he too did not expect to become a shield for his family, a brother if they needed one, or a punching bag. He lived, but what were the costs?
Right now, his cheeks stung as he met Madam Yu head-on. The lady delivered a heavy slap on him, viciously calling him the reason for Lotus Pier’s destruction, as if they did anything at all, to prevent the Wens from entering. As if Madam Yu had not willingly opened the gates to Lotus Pier, inviting the Wens in. As if she did not bow down to the wishes of Wang Lingjiao, just her spiritual whip to slash at him a dozen times- when he was the best performer in the sect, the only few who were able to protect the sect.
“Wei Ying! Listen to me! Protect Jiang Cheng, protect him even if you die, do you understand?!”
It was another debt, that he couldn't run away from- that would be tied to him for life, as he nodded his head. He knew that this was most probably the last time he would see her, considering how Lotus Pier was covered in flames, and a man in red seemed to be darting towards them at a fast speed. Despite her harsh treatment towards him, he couldn't help but add this to the list of debts he had. She might've not been the nicest person to him, but she still loved Jiang Cheng with all her heart, and how could he not grant her final wishes?
The arduous journey to nowhere was tough. He had to balance the whip injuries from Zidian on his back, and Jiang Cheng’s grieving- as the man had continually attempted to turn back, to get his parent’s bodies, as if the situation was not tense enough. He kept his chill, knowing that this was how Jiang Cheng was coping with the grief.
Yet, had it justified Jiang Cheng’s anger, and the fingers around his throat as the man had attempted to strangle him?
Wei Wuxian knew he had to protect Jiang Cheng with his life, but he didn’t expect how it would this way. How could Jiang Cheng be so...reckless? He couldn't help but feel incensed at how Jiang Cheng was so willing to throw away his life, just to get back the dead bodies, as if his parents didn’t do everything to allow him to survive the attack. He couldn't help but think that Jiang Cheng was such a foolish man. Had the many years of giving in to him made him think that the whole world revolved around him? That the Wens would give in to his foul temper?
But , Jiang Cheng was still his brother. Jiang Cheng may be a fool, but he was his fool. How could he stand his brother looking like that? So volatile, twisted, and angry? He couldn't stand Jiang Cheng so dispirited, looking as if the world had died, as if Jiang Cheng would die at any moment. Even without Madam Yu's words, he had long decided that no matter what- he would get Jiang Cheng a core.
Gusu had the two jades of Lans, and Yunmeng would have the twin heroes. Wei Wuxian had his role fixed out for him at a young age, to grow up and be Jiang Cheng’s right-hand man, leading the Yunmeng Jiang sect to greater heights, valiantly protecting him until the both of the grew old and died, or perhaps when he sacrficed himself for the man in a battlefield. He hadn’t expected it to be this way, he thought to himself, as he walked towards the courtyard that Wen Qing resided in, a thesis held tightly in his hands.
He could live without his core.
Wei Wuxian would never tell anyone, but the burial mounds had changed him. He tried his best to control himself, his viciousness, the voices in his head as they screamed for more blood, for death. Yet, as with each falling Wens, the appetite of the spirits grew, and so had their bloodthirst. He tried to appease them, to soothe their hunger with his Dizi, and he was glad that most of the times it worked, other times, he had no choice but to appease them with his own blood. He wondered if he was truly him at this moment- but thought again. Who else could he be if not him?
Wei Wuxian had enough of the whispers echoing around him.
Wei Wuxian could hear the whispers in his head as they mocked him, could hear it in the passing disciples' words as they steered clear of him. ‘Yiling-Laozu’ They whispered as if he couldn’t hear them, as if he was like the spirits he hung out with, transparent and mute.
He wished the war ended soon.
The Sunshot Campaign ended with a quiet assassination by a single man instead of a loud war-torn fight. They gathered for a banquet in the Nightless City, sitting on the same spot as where they had murdered a sect leader several hours ago. Wei Wuxian was not a picky person, but he couldn’t help but feel how tasteless it was...to dine in here, despite the people who had died for the ocassion. Was war really something to enjoy about?
The banquet had shifted the target, the next person for the publiuc to shoot down to him. Wei Wuxian knew that, and with the querstionings with the Jin cultivators, the insistent questions about why he wasn’t carrying his sword, he had enough. He needed to go before he did something drastic, and irreversible to anyone over there. He was under everyone’s scrutiny after all.
He walked a lonely path back to the campsite, looking at the number of bodies piled up on the side. They all had claimed to be righteous cultivators, but they had chose to left the dead Wens here, instead of liberating for their peace as if the Wens weren’t human. But, it was okay. He could do it by himself. He started playing his Dizi, the soulful music, calming and hopefully bringing a better afterlife to the dead.
Finally everything would be over. He would no longer need to dig up any more graves, or wake the undead. He would be able to lay the spirits to rest, while he enjoyed a rest in Lotus Pier. Everything would be good from now on.
Life was peaceful.
He got what he wished for, life was peaceful for him when there was no Lan Wangji dragging him back to Gusu for punishment, when his brother had not nagged for him to teach the new recruits when he was too drunk to hear the hushed whispers about him, as more and more people avoided him. He wished someone could tell him what he did wrong. He wondered what was wrong with assisting in the war using his own efforts?
Wei Wuxian had enough of people avoiding him like a pest, just like when he was a young beggar child.
Wei Wuxian sent a passing glance at the nearby table, as one of the men met his gaze and ran off with his tablemates. For someone that people used to gather around, to fool and play, to be treated like the plague, as the ‘evil’ demonic cultivator had hurt. He craved human intimacy and interaction as a deprivation of his past, but people seem to fear him, to shun him away.
He had to avoid Jiang Cheng too, as the man had seemed to be excited with his new core, asking whenever he had the chance to compete, to ask him to wield his sword, to talk about such a rush it was to perform with his core, showing his core off as if that...hadn’t been his . His sister had been away too, courting with the peacock. He pushed Lan Zhan away too, as the man would not stop questioning him, doubting his ability to rein in this new form of cultivation, and where did his sword go to, and to drag him for punishment. He was truly alone now, and as he looked at the spirits he summoned to the table, maybe in death would he find someone again.
Wei Wuxian had enough of his brother’s doubts.
Wei Wuxian could accept the passing remarks of the other disciples who didn’t know him, but how was his brother, the one to who he willingly gave his core, so easily poisoned by their words? Wei Wuxian had grown up with him for more than eighteen years, but his loyalty was so easily doubted by the man...as if Jiang Cheng had never trusted him.
He wondered if the fissure had been there ever since the fall of Lotus Pier, or had it been earlier? Was it when Jiang Fengmian had praised him over his biological son? Wei Wuxian didn’t know and would probably never know.
He stood straight, his dizi clutched tightly in his hands, as his army of fierce corpses looked at the thousands of cultivators, ready at a single whistle. This felt like Qiongqi pass all over again, this time around, the odds were more leveled.
He knew that he must’ve hurt Shi-Jie when he accidentally harmed Jin Zixuan, but what was he supposed to do when the peacock had charged at him, demanding for an explanation as if his cousin and the hundreds of Jin cultivator were not enough of an explanation. While trying to avoid an ambush, Wen Ning had accidentally punched Jin Zixuan putting him out of harm’s way, but Wen Ning was too strong- damaging Jin Zixuan’s meridians.
Yet, Wei Wuxian had saved him from imminent death- so why ?
Why had they still attempted to kill the Wen’s siblings? Why couldn’t they just let go off those elderly and young? Why were the Wens just condemned just like that?
Wei Wuxian had been too late to stop the Wen’s sacrifice as they offered themselves up to the other cultivation sects, as they sent themselves for an imminent death for his sake. As if he was worth the sacrifice they kept doing for him.
Wei Wuxian wondered where the justice was, when the other cultivation sects watched as the old, the young and the weak walked up the long flight of stairs to Jinling Tai, huffing and puffing- and still chose to put them down. How could the cultivation sects be so afraid of these common people? Where was the justice in that? What were all the righteous sects thinking?
Wei Wuxian decided that he had enough .
Was his death good enough? Was it fine as long as he died? Why couldn’t he be left alone? He hadn’t intrude on anyone, moving to a barren mountain, but he could never escape the accusations thrown at him- that he could never defend.
Wei Wuxian could see through the intentions of the other cultivation sects, how despite all their claims of righteousness, they still wanted the power of demonic cultivation, they wanted his abilities, his skills to summon an army at his will. But, Jiang Wanyin was too far gone. He believed the lies they whispered to him, and all Wei Wuxian could do was watch as the lies seeped into the cracks, and finally the bonds that held them together shattered like glass, to millions of tiny shards.
Wei Wuxian sat on top of a building, watching as the many cultivators gathered below in a combined force, just like how they prepared for the Sunshot Campaign, but now, it was to shoot the evil Yiling Laozu down. He watched as they stomped on what they promised the Wen remnants, as if their pleas of clemency were just a cruel joke- that they paid for with their lifes.
He watched as they gathered around for a toast, the notable purple shades mixing in the crowd, his brother, Jiang Wanyin having one of the loudest voice, as they cheered- wanting to put him down like he was a rabid dog. Couldn’t Jiang Wanyin see that, because they weren’t able to get him or his powers, they wanted to end him? Why was he so foolish? He couldn’t believe all the righteous sects as well, turning their back on a promise they’ve given out, and what for?
All for a broken man who had nothing.
Wei Wuxian could not remember much of what happened afterward, only that tears were burning in his eyes, as he struggled not to get it out. He remembered trying to talk to them, but they wouldn’t listen, they would never listen to him anymore- a newly minted criminal, all for having powers that they didn’t have. He recalled a stab by an arrow, a long-overdue fight with a beautiful man in white, his Lan Zhan as the man told to follow him back to Gusu, for punishment , his brain supplied.
He recalled, noticing a lady in white rushing into the battlefield without a single weapon or bodyguard, shouting out for him. He knew who that was in first glance. It was his Shi-jie, carrying a basket. ‘What was she doing?!’ He wondered, barely managing to force her to leave the battlefield. He warned her off after receiving her gift, returning back to the battlefield. She should know better than to do such a dangerous thing.
Shi-Jie was probably the one bright thing left in his life.
Wei Wuxian’s laughter echoed in the air, as tears streamed down his face. He couldn’t help but feel utterly broken, by his brother’s betrayal and how they would change their faces so quickly despite how he saved all of them during the sunshot campaign. He wanted to shake his brother’s shoulders, and sob. ‘Jiang Wanyin, don’t you know that I became like this because of you?’ He cried out silently in his heart, looking at how his brother rose his sword up, pointing it at him.
Wei Wuxian had enough of living.
He wanted his parents back with him, to tell him what he should do now. He wanted to be a little kid again, traveling the seven seas on a donkey led by his father, as his mother sat behind him, teasing and singing with him.
He missed Wen Qing’s exasperated laughter, and Wen Ning’s timidness, Wen-Popo’s kindness, Wen Yuan’s innocence, Uncle Four’s fruit wine, but now, nobody was there anymore. He wished for them to live, to be happy in their next life- and that he wanted to join too.
Perhaps, death would give him peace.
He looked around, easily noticing the people who weren’t there, then the multitudes of cultivators who were there- including Lan Zhan, Nie Huaisang and his Shi-Jie. They deserved better than to witness his pitiful fall into disgrace and death. He knew that this place where he would finally meet his end, and he was glad that they wouldn’t see him in such a terrible state.
At this moment, he couldn’t help but wished he left on a better note with his Shi-Jie, instead of a stern reprimanding not to get close to battlefield. He missed the taste of the Lotus Pork Rib Soup, the gentle pettings as she tamed his unruly hair. He wished that she would forgive him for dying, for not being able to live up to his promise as one of the Yunmeng trio.
All of the sudden, he spat out a mouthful of blood. He stood there stunned for a few moment, wiping the blood on his black sleeves, too shocked to speak in the new revelations. He broke down moments later, delirious mocking laughter echoing in the desolate forest, the trees carrying his voice to every nook and cranny.
“Shi-Jie, if you hated me that much…” Wei Wuxian broke down. He knew who poisoned him at that moment. Who else could it have been but his Shi-Jie who lovingly passed him a carrier filled with Lotus Pork Rib Soup that day on the battlefield? That was the only meal he had since that fateful day.
He knew that it was a slow-reacting poison, aimed to weaken him after some time. He could feel the poison taking place, as it weakened his body, making him drowsy- too tired to move his facial muscles, too tired to whistle or play his Dizi.
He understood now that the fissures did not just happen to Jiang Cheng, but rather Jiang Yanli as well. She was probably convinced by the Jins about how evil he was, and hatched this plan. But how ruthless she was, to give him posion, and not turn up to see him dead, as if her poison would do everything for her.
Shi-Jie was truly her mother's daughter.
Wei Wuxian could barely put up a fight, as his former brother sent attacks after attacks. “I’m sorry,” He whispered, to the Wens he lost, to the parents he missed, and in the smaller part of his heart- to his Zhi-Ji.
If only Wei Wuxian hadn’t had so many responsibilities and debts towards others, if only Wei Wuxian could find another way to get a core....there were too many possibilities, but truly, there was not enough time for him.
Wei Wuxian knew that Lan Wangji hated him, from his curt, rude words, his refusal to hang out with him, and even how the man would ignore him at every given moment, but he truly hoped that after helping the Lan Sects with quests, they had grown closer. He hoped that Lan Zhan felt that they were Zhi-Ji’s as well, that they knew and suited each other best.
Yet, when had they diverted from being each other Zhi-Jis to... enemies ?
Wei Wuxian could never fault Lan Wangji’s reasons for dragging him back to Gusu for punishment, to get back to the right side. Demonic cultivation was after all harmful to the mind and soul, but he wished Lan Wangji had trusted him more, had believed he wouldn’t lose control of himself.
Yes, he was crueler to the Wen soldiers, but so had everyone- war changes people . Were those cultivators more honorable when they had sentenced the Wen soldiers to Lingchi or were they honourable because they had their swords with them?
Perhaps, in another lifetime they could be Zhi-Jis again.
However, as Jiang Wanyin stabbed his chest with a ferocity that could’ve only come from his core , stumbling down the precipice, he changed his mind. He would rather Lan Wangji had a better Zhi-Ji, someone who wouldn’t practice the demonic arts, who were more rule-abiding, and anyone wasn’t...him.
Wei Wuxian had enough of Zhi-jis.