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Why do i hate this. I have been staring at myself for too long now. My eyes started to hurt long ago. I'm over it now. All of it is over.
I killed him.
I killed the one person who cared. Who understood.
I have failed. They were right, all of them were right. Mylo was right. Claggor was right. Vi is right. And he was wrong.
I jinxed his life. If i had never gotten involved. If Ekko had just killed me on that bridge none of this would be real. But he didn't. And then i jinxed him too.
I thought he would give me up. Silco. Hand me over. It would have been the rational thing to do. Looking back, i wish he had. I betrayed him. I should have known that he would never do it. That he would never betray me. I loved him like a father. And yet i clearly didn't know him well enough.
I want to feel that way. I truly do. But as a little voice in my head tells me "If he did not see it coming, then it was not you not knowing him, but him not knowing you." It intrigues me. "If he would not give you up for a peaceful Zaun, then he lied. He lied to you." And its right.
We shared an ambition. A shared Zaun. A place where it didn't matter if you were a jinx. Where you'll be cared for regardless. I stressed myself out about it for years on end. And yet when he finally gets the opportunity. He plans to throw away our shot. And i believe that's why he was killed. Not because i thought he would give me up, but because i knew he Wouldn't. And that angers me. He is too selfish, to be willing to give up a thousand Powders for one Jinx. He was.
I made a mistake. I fired a missile. It was dumb. Reckless. Yet i don't regret it. It felt good. And it would never have mattered anyway. They were willing to negotiate with Silco, not because they truly cared. But because they were scared. It was irrational. Of course. When you live without worries, you get flimsy at the mention of even the smallest shark. They wouldn't have negotiated with Vi, the firelights or me. We are but rats under the boot. And i the biggest cockroach is laying on a roof. Looking up at a roof of a myriad of stars. A roof that Powder had drawn.
When the stress leaves your body, it isn't an instant relief. It feels terrible. Without purpose. What am i supposed to do now. How do i keep me and my mind separated. They are merciless. The voices that come after. They whisper about me and my body. If i aren't pretty how will i ever be able to smile. Scratch that, if i aren't pretty how will they ever accept me. I'll never be pretty inside. I'll never change that dramatically. Who cares what they think? None of them will ever be good enough for me. I'm too greedy and selfish for a jinx. It's not like I'll ever fall in love. I care. Why. Why can't i just leave me alone.
That scares me. The fact that i can't seem to let go. That their dead voices still ring, in the caves of my brain. That Ekko's dead picture seems to cast echos trough my brain.
I killed him on that bridge. I killed the boy savior. I killed us both. And yet here he is. Laying naked and asleep next to me. I, the monster who jinxed peace. That he can even fall asleep in my presence is hilariously saddening. After all, I've done. He still instantly trusts me again. Is that really all it takes? Some angry sex and we're cool? He trusts that i won't take advantage. That i won't hurt him. And i won't. Not on purpose anyway. And that scares the dying shit out of me.
I hate being scared, therefor hating myself is vital.
Is that selfish?
I hate myself. My redemption will never be good enough. It is never enough to just want something. You must become what you want. If you can't do that, you'll eventually jinx it, and then get shunned.
Jinx becoming peace. Not imaginable. To be peaceful. To not crave someone else's blood on my hands. To be able to go to bed at night and say, "Wow so glad i didn't ruin someone's life today." Not Jinx.
To be peaceful. What is being peaceful anyway but a sack of shit. Sometimes you need violence. The base violence necessary for a change. Think about it. If i saw a jinx trying to kill a powder, i would intervene. With violence. That's not peaceful. Walking past is. Just ignoring a little girls cries for help, isn't the first thing that comes to mind when i mention the word "Peacefull." But it is.
Being peaceful in a world where violence exist is selfish.
I'm greedy. Ungrateful. I had a happy family. That i loved and that loved me. Yet i keep screwing up. Why can't i just be content with what's been given. I don't want to hurt him. Ekko. So, i don't leave. But i can't stay either. That would be selfish. Maybe one day I’ll allow myself to be selfish. But it won't be today. Not when it would cause the one i loved to much unnecessary pain. Because i love him. And when the bombs timer stops ticking, I'll just be happy. That he won't love me is another thing. But i doesn't matter. In the long run it ending like this, is better for him. Painless. Almost. And what would people say. Jinx the monster killed the boy savior. Or Powder and little man finally returned.
That is why i hate this.