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"We're never gonna date each other" that was 8 years ago. He kinda regretted it now, sitting at his best friend's wedding knowing full well he was in love with the tall (still) young man standing in front of everyone, waiting for his fiancé.
They met around 12 years ago, when Doyoung was 13 and Taeyong was 14, He had hated the older the moment he met him, -annoying, i don't wanna be friends with him- but the universe had different plans, even with the less than ideal first meeting, they had to talk to each other thanks to schoolwork and group projects, they noticed they had a lot in common and became friends, one day, already comfortable with each other they talked "you know, at first I didn't like you" Taeyong looked at him, with his shiny black eyes and a shy smile "yeah, I know, it was hard not to notice" he blushed "but I actually like you a lot know, so don't worry" that was their first honest conversation, soon they were inseparable, so much that everyone began thinking they were dating "Me, dating him? I would never! He's my best friend I know him too much, it would be like fucking my brother" but once again he was wrong, he began feeling in a way no bestfriend should when he hit 18.
He dreamt of kissing him, more times than he would like to admit, even if the dreams were soft and sweet like sugar cotton he convinced himself it was nightmares, he could have fooled himself but it only lasted for a while, none of his relationships went on for long, he noticed he couldn't help but compare everyone to Taeyong, -no one will ever treat me as well as he does, one day I'm gonna marry him, as friends- how more obvious could he get?.
He should've seen it sooner, if his own mom, who was capable of reading him like a book, told him they were more than friends, maybe she was right, but little 15 year old Doyoung was stubborn, arrogant even "no, i don't like him like that, I will never, just because I like men doesn't mean I like my friend!" His mom looked at him, knowing "okay if you say so, I just want you to know that it's a possibility".
Once acknowledging his feelings, anxiety filled him, but he decided to actively ignore the weird feeling inside of his chest everytime he looked at the older, even if sometimes when they were dancing together he felt as if he was floating, even if they hugged and their hearts synced almost immediately, or even when just looking at the other he felt like that was the place he belonged in, in the other's arms. That wasn't his place and never will be, even if he felt like this, even if they felt like this, they had talked, they promised to never date, the fear of losing their other half, the person who helped them be better and who knew all the good and bad, was too big to risk it.
He wouldn't be the one dining with the groom's family, who had known him for years, who sometimes looked at him questioning if this "just friends" was a lie, it wasn't but -maybe- it should have. Girlfriends and boyfriends have used the same seat he used, but now is permanently someone else's. Doyoung knows he shouldn't feel this way at his bestie's wedding, he's happy for him, really, but he cannot stop thinking about the what ifs in their relationship. Maybe if they had kissed when they were 20, drunk and slow dancing while their other friends smoked outside, maybe if he had confessed when Taeyong graduated, between the bear hug and the happy tears, how many times did they lock eyes, faces too close having little centimeters of difference made it way too easier, if only he had took a step forward instead of two steps back, if only he had looked at the other's eyes instead of looking at his own shoes for too long, maybe… but it didn't happen then and he certainly cannot confess now, What kind of friend would he be if he ruined the wedding of his best friend? What kinda man would he be if he broke his promise to the person he loves the most? He stands up and excuses himself, he cannot stand this tension nor the memories, he goes to the restroom and washes his face.
He stares at the man in the mirror, dressed in one of the best suits he has seen, hair as black as the night, kept out of his face with gel and brows furrowed making him have a little wrinkle in between, below them his eyes look as tired as he feels "You have to be happy for your best friend, it's his most special day, the both of you built this path and now you gotta take responsibility for your choices" the man inhales, gives a little smile and looks away, he sits once again.
His not mother in law looks at him "I always thought it would be you the one who we'd be waiting for on this day" she says, softly, both with nostalgia and a smile, as if she's laughing about being wrong years ago. He looks at her and smiles back, looks down at his rings, he stares for a little at his friendship ring and starts to feel shy about what leaves his mouth "I did too, but was never brave enough and now is too late" she didn't answer him, maybe hearing him confessing his love to her son on her sons wedding day wasn't what she expected, but he was tired of lying, of pretending he didnt long for the other in the way only lovers do "you never looked at the other in the brotherly way you said you did" the woman's voice made him raise his head.
He couldn't help remembering the first time he saw her, 10 years ago, much younger and with casual clothes.
"I've heard quite a lot about you" he blushed and hoped she didn't notice, "ah, thank you Mrs, it's nice getting to know you" she smiled at him, the same beautiful smile taeyong has "you better stay, drink tea and eat dinner okay?, I'll speak to your mom" since that day she wouldn't shut up about how he would be the perfect son In law.
He wished they had been.
But now it's too late, he looks around and locks eyes with his best friend who smiles at him, Taeyong's preoccupied and a part of him wishes it was because of him, another part tells him it's because his fiance hasn't arrived yet - why would he be worried about you on his most special day- so he tries to give him his best smile, full of teeth and reaching the eyes, Taeyong was gonna start his own family, what they he wanted the most, he ought to be happy for his best friend
Taeyong's fiancé arrived, everyone was looking at the person at the doors, but Doyoung was looking at the man at the front, shiny black eyes, nervous smile, wearing the most beautiful suit he had ever seen.
It's Taeyong's choice now.