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how to get a boyfriend; the manual

Summary:

He wanted Red Velvet, Dark Choco realized, that's an undeniable fact. Being just friends doesn't quite cut it anymore. However, no matter how much he yearned, Dark Choco knew better than to rush things. Fruits that are plucked too early are not sweet.

He had to take it slow. If he's going to court Red Velvet, he's doing it the proper way.


Or: 6 easy steps to get yourself a boyfriend.

The word easy might be an understatement—unless you're a certain former prince whose pining isn't quite as one-sided as he thought.

(8/6/25: Rewritten for grammar and coherence.)

Chapter 1: Target: Red Velvet Cookie

Notes:

My English is rusty and I'm writing on my phone, so do forgive the formatting. Update very sporadically. Other than that, enjoy!

Chapter Text

It had been exactly two summers since they met. A plain, silly story almost unbefitting for warriors of the dark side.

There were no awe-struck eyes nor fluttering butterflies in their stomach, only piercing gazes as they argued in the middle of the forest.

Red Velvet was adamant on finding Chiffon in the rain. Dark Choco had been no less stubborn, refusing to leave before Red Velvet came home. Instead, he helped the other cookie find his familiar. He had been assigned to bring Red Velvet home and he's not leaving this forest without confirming the man's safety, the sooner the better.

They searched for the hound tirelessly until dawn breaks, drenched and exhausted to the bone, only to have Strawberry Crepe laugh at them when they caught a cold together. At least Chiffon was safe.

(Although being subjected to Dark Enchantress's disapproving gaze wasn't that pleasant of an experience.

"I commanded you to escort him home, not to roll around in the mud in the middle of a storm together like some kind of... mindless animal."

Dark Choco lowered his head. "My apologies."

"But Ma!" The younger man protested, "He helped me find Chiffon!"

"Don't talk back to me, Red Velvet. Sit down.”

Dark Enchantress gaze sharpened.

“I have yet to punish you for foolishly seeking death. It was raining so heavily, and yet you kept wandering in the forest despite knowing what would have happened to your arm. If Dark Choco hadn't found you in time, would I need to attach a new cake arm for you?"

Red Velvet shuts up at that. They were both grounded that day.)

After their first encounter, perhaps from a sense of sharing hardships, Red Velvet and Dark Choco had somehow gotten closer. They could often be found together, as if gravitating towards each other. It's not clear who had the stronger pull.

Where there is Red Velvet, you can see the broad shoulder of Dark Choco not far away. Where there is Dark Choco, Red Velvet could be seen lounging about, his giant cake arm made him easily noticeable.

Arguments turned into banters, banters turned into idle chatter, and soon they had started visiting each other's house on weekends—Mostly at Red Velvet's tower, and Red Velvet had only gotten to visit Dark Choco's front yard garden yet.

(“Didn't realize you're fond of such dainty flowers.”

“Laugh all you want.”

“It was a compliment! I could never keep any plants alive.”)

Each of them had their own responsibility, and yet when they sat together side by side, sharing mundane stories, trivial tasks, and mindless chores, they couldn't help but feel a once empty hole being filled in their chest.

A shallow yet continuously built trust. A sense of camaraderie. A feeling of home.

Affection.

When deadlines had been tight, Red Velvet, tired from his duties, would fall asleep on the former prince's shoulder.

Dark Choco hadn't had anyone lower their guard around him for a long time. Being a wielder of the cursed sword, he had a certain aura that made cookies and other creatures alike unconsciously kept a distance from him. They wouldn't be able to close their eyes peacefully in his presence, let alone sleep soundly on his shoulder like this.

But not Red Velvet, apparently. The red haired general had slept for a solid three hours and woke up to find his head moved to Dark Choco's lap.

For a moment, Dark Choco had been nervous that Red Velvet would find issues with their awkward positions.

“Ah, I haven't slept that deeply in forever,” Red Velvet mumbled, blue eyes hazy and voice raspy from sleep.

“Must be because you're here. I've never had anyone guard me when I'm asleep–”

“I could guard you.” Dark Choco quipped brainlessly and immediately punched himself mentally, wondering if he had answered too fast. “I mean, if you'd like to have a restful sleep next time…”

There was a sound of muffled chuckles, and Dark Choco inwardly groaned at the oncoming teasing.

“What a knight in shining armor. Going to kiss my hand next?” Red Velvet poked Dark Choco's cheek with his claw, a playful smirk etched on his lips.

Despite knowing of the danger those claw possessed, Dark Choco couldn't help but find them so temptingly soft, sharp edges aside. They were softer than regular cookie arms, with velvety short fur that tickles to the touch. Dark Choco is enthralled by it.

Red Velvet wasn't quite sure how to respond when someone expressed something other than fear towards his claw. He didn't hate it, though.

Days passed, months turned into years. The lonely dark prince was no more, and so is the commander working in solitude in the Tower of Sweet Chaos. There were only two ordinary cookies, Red Velvet and Dark Choco, a pair of odds that found each other. It was a precious friendship, perhaps found once in a lifetime. They wouldn't have it any other way.

…Or so they had thought, but a certain man involved slowly began to waver.

Dark Choco knew how selfish of a man he is. He tried so hard not to take a mile out of the inch he had been given so generously, tried so hard not to take advantage of Red Velvet's kindness. Still, he wanted more — craved more, of that gentle touch on his rough skin.

Red Velvet. His little laugh, his smile. Every simple gesture from the other man tugged into his heartstring, and by the gods, that heart is yearning.

He wanted Red Velvet, Dark Choco realized, that's an undeniable fact. Being just friends doesn't quite cut it anymore.

However, no matter how much he yearned, Dark Choco knew better than to rush things. Fruits that are plucked too early are not sweet.

He had to take it slow. If he's going to court Red Velvet, he's doing it the proper way.

And what is more proper than a tried and tested, old-fashioned way?