Chapter Text
🎙🎙
“So, what are you guys in the mood for?” JK asks, looking at the people gathered at the bar. “I never do this but hit me up with the cover you’d like to hear right now. It’ll be the last one for tonight though.” He teases the audience and grins at the fuss they’re all making, waving their arms in the air and shaking their heads in clear protest.
“I’m sorry guys y’all have your booze and I’m kinda being left out, don’t you want me to join you down there for a drink?” JK throws a wink at spectators but makes sure to apologize right after by bowing down to them, which gains him a warm reaction from everybody.
He pulls away from the mic to tune a string of his Les Paul guitar, his most beloved companion since he was 13 years old. It’s been months since he last performed, he knows he shouldn’t have played tonight. His fingers are rusty and he doesn’t believe he’s playing as smooth as he likes to—and as he believes spectators are used to.
However, he might not be giving an awful performance judging by the people in the crowd shouting out his name, cheering for him and expressing how much they missed him. Damn, he’s missed this too. So fucking much.
This sensation pulled something from his subconscious somehow, because the image of his father suddenly pops into his mind. He doesn’t realize he’s gazing off into the distance as he remembers and hears his dad’s voice.
“I missed this Tiger,” Hyuk says while swaying back and forth in his rocking chair, nodding softly with eyes closed and slightly smiling in response to JK’s mellow humming, attuned to his guitar playing. “Tiger, do you remember how you spaced out after performing your first song ever?”
“Sofa! JK Sofa!!”—his attention is abruptly brought back by a group of girls screaming loudly at the back of the bar. He’d noticed them since he started playing tonight, they had been singing with him all along. Right after making their request, they burst into laughter when one of them, clearly wasted, falls from her chair.
“Ah, Sofa… my first cover,” JK responds. He grabs his guitar pick and smiles contemplating the word written on it with black marker, Arin. “Girl friend at the back, are you alright? I hope you didn’t fall too hard on your ass. This song is for you.”
Right after playing the last chords, JK puts his electric guitar in his case, stands up and walks off stage rushing to the bar counter after thanking everyone who is clapping profusely.
It’s Saturday night and Café Iguana is crammed. It’s one of the oldest bars in Busan located at the core of Nam-gu, popular among locals who actually enjoy listening to music and watching live performances held every weekend.
The café is owned by Huan, a South Korean of Spanish descent, who named the place 20 years ago after a long trip he made around Mexico. One day, he woke up to a strange bed in a rustic room in Zipolite beach: naked, completely fucked up, laying down next to an iguana. He'd apparently got so stoned the night before that he could never remember what had happened.
Huan and JK’s father went to school together, so he has known the young musician since birth. Huan’s practically seen him move through all his life stages, from wearing diapers and walking his first steps, to learning his first guitar chords and confessing to his first crush. Even though Huan is over 20 years older, he is more of a friend than a boss to JK and given that the former is a hopeless romantic, it’s more likely to hear him talking to JK about his love life—or lack thereof—instead of acting as a proper ahjussi. It always amuses JK how Huan would randomly share details about finally having found the right partner, because if one thing is certain, once Huan falls for someone he fully submits to love, no matter if it’s for ten days or a month. Yeah, he’s basically loving over the short term.
JK maneuvers through the crowd to get to Huan, “Hey, thanks for letting me leave early tonight”.
“Just dick her down, I want you focused and stress-free next weekend,” Huan responds, sliding across the counter in JK’s direction a bottle of soju with two chilled traditional cups.
“Huan come fucking on, that’s lame,” says JK tilting his head to the side and narrowing his eyes with disgust, so done but habituated to his boss’ overused jokes. Huan on the contrary doubles over laughter as JK opens the soju bottle that was just handed to him and pours soju into the two cups. When he gives one to Huan, he discovers that the elder’s smile has almost faded; with downcast eyes Huan’s expression suddenly saddens and JK senses what’s coming, he better drink up now and leave. A warm hand on his shoulder prevents him from doing so, Huan is squeezing him firmly as if trying to talk to him without words.
“How are you son?”
“No way you just called me son, it must be serious huh?”
“JK come one, I just want to know how—”
“I’m okay, I’m getting there, I think.” JK interrupts him and focuses on his cup for a split second, he looks away from Huan and drinks his shot in one go. “Gotta go, see you next weekend”. He places the empty cup on the counter, turns around and flies away; he thinks he hears his old friend calling him, but he doesn’t look back. He needs to leave, and he needs to do it now. As usual though, on his way out a few familiar faces attempt to say hi or thank him for his gig, but he manages to wave his hands in gratitude without slowing down.
When he’s finally outside he keeps his pace but it’s too late, that invisible force that’s been creeping around clouding his mind for the last three months, becomes too strong like big ocean waves crashing into rocks. His heart seems like it’s running a race against his will, threatening to burst from his chest.
Once again, he involuntarily clenches his fists tightly and grits his teeth, squeezing his eyes shut. “Fuck”! He screams and stops abruptly. Hungry for air he tilts his head back to the sky with eyes still squeezed closed and remains like that for an unknown amount of time.
While facing upwards and gasping for air, he focuses on finding anything in his troubled mind that could make him open his eyes and get out of his current state. For the last three months these episodes have intensified; at first, he'd tried not to acknowledge their presence but as time went by, he realized that they'd gotten worse and had probably started occurring more often.
He makes another effort to clear his thoughts and breathe. “Breathe JK, just breathe”.
Arin.
This was supposed to be a great night, JK recalls. A surprise. So he focuses on regaining his breath, inhaling and exhaling erratically for a few minutes; he slowly opens his eyes, he stares at the clouds for a moment and after taking another deep breath he checks the time, that's when he finally finds in him the strength to keep going. Arin is probably about to get off from her shift; he should pick up the pace to get to the metro station.
When he gets to Arin’s place he realizes it’s been a while since he used the key to her apartment, he wonders how long it has been.
He opens the door and gets surprised when he sees that the lights are on. He checks the time once more, 1:50am. Impossible, he thinks, she’s supposed to get off at 2:00am.
“Arin?” JK tensely whispers, even though he doesn’t know why, as he slowly approaches her room. Noises suddenly catch his attention, more like moans. Two low-pitched voices in unison. Right when he opens the door to the bedroom, he recognizes Arin’s whimpers but mixed with masculine groans.
“What the fuck are you fucking doing!?” He yells furiously when he catches sight of the two entangled figures in bed, causing both to jump and scream in panic.
“Shit! JK what are you doing here!?” Arin screams with a horrified look trying to grab the sheets to cover her nakedness.
JK’s eyes go from one body to the other in horror, he’s too awfully shaken to be able to acknowledge the obvious. For a moment, he doesn’t know what else to say or how to react, however, when he sees that the guy has barely moved this triggers him, and his anger is expelled like a fucking bullet from the barrel of a gun.
In an instant, JK’s eyes grow dark and finally fix on him, “Get the fuck out”, he glowers.
The guy finally stands up to put on his clothes and replies, “No, I’m not leaving her”.
JK goes mad and begins raging after him but Arin, terrified, crawls off the bed to stand in his way, holding the sheets with one hand and pushing JK’s chest with the other in an attempt to stop him, “JK please don’t”! She begs.
He doesn’t want to stop, in his mind he’s already picturing himself breaking the guy apart, just like a car turns to shreds at a fiery crash.
“JK please,” she insists. JK’s menacing eyes lastly travel to hers; she’s looking at him pleadingly and this breaks him into pieces inside.
“Tell him to get out,” he retorts, more wounded than irate. Slack-jawed, she doesn’t respond but her pained eyes are still on JK. “Tell him now, Arin”, he repeats. She hesitates for a second but agrees, then she turns to the guy and guiltily asks him to leave. The guy tries to persuade her but she only apologizes and turns away from him. The guy storms out cursing at both Arin and JK.
The room reeks of sweat and sex, and Jungkook swears they both are very aware of it because the tension between them is building up; cutting through his bones.
“Please, let me put on my clothes, then we’ll talk,” Arin’s voice, barely noticeable, disrupts the silence, she’s still wrapped in the sheets seeming clearly uncomfortable. JK nods, giving her a sidelong glance and walks downheartedly out of her bedroom.
Standing alone in the living room, JK becomes aware of his shaking hands and a fierce headache, it doesn’t compare though to the increasing burning in his chest. Reality hits him brutally then. His Arin was just fucking another guy. He sighs heavily, dropping his weight onto the couch, hands now clutched against his mouth.
'What the fuck just happened?'
There’s no way he could make sense of this without talking to her, he’s aware of it, but he keeps wondering how did they end up here? And most importantly, why does he suspect he loathes her more than he longs for her?
Something has been spiraling inside him for a while now, and even when it has altered his reality and his way of thinking for a couple of months, that something is what has kept him functioning. He senses none of them are prepared for a conversation right now; he senses it could be dangerous and regrettable.
“JK?” He was so immersed in his thoughts that he didn’t hear Arin coming out from her room. “I’m-I’m gonna sit down next to you, okay"? She says, uncertain to approach him. He nods almost imperceptibly but before long, they’re both seated on the couch striving to take in each other’s presence. Breathe, just breathe and listen, is what he thinks. A few minutes go by in total silence.
“JK what are you doing here?” She starts timidly, with an apparent mediating tone but it irks him, nonetheless. He contemplates the possibility that this could all go to shit. “You are my girlfriend; I don’t need a fucking reason to be here”, he fires back without hesitation and indeed, everything seems about to go to shit.
JK pictures himself walking along the rocky cliffs of Taejongdae, every coherent thought he could have gotten a hold of before is now dissipating into thin air.
“Yes, you do need a reason, you seem to have forgotten about my existence for nearly the last three months.”
The last three months. What is he supposed to answer when he has barely felt alive? His heart is still beating so for sure he’s not dead, but every fiber that used to vibe inside him is sterile.
Arin sighs nervously, “I know that times have been merciless for you, I know you must’ve been in pain, it must’ve been tough losing—”
“Don’t you dare, don’t you fucking dare go there,” JK rushes to interrupt her. He’s shooting daggers at her, although to him it seems like she’s the one stabbing him.
‘Fuck this is all wrong,’ a distant voice sounds far away inside his head, it’s merely a whisper asking him to shut the fuck up.
He’s setting foot near the cliff.
“And that’s exactly my point. We haven’t been talking about that or anything at all.”
‘Fuck it’ is what he thinks when he hears those words.
He’s now at the very edge and about to either jump or push their relationship off the precipice.
“I’m not going to allow you to use it as your fucked-up way of justifying what just happened.”
This conversation is going insanely fast, he’s not processing his words and that’s just intensifying the stink inside his head.
The ocean waters sound louder. And louder.
“JK you don’t know anything about my life anymore; hell, you don’t even know what my schedule is! I got promoted two months ago.”
'Fuck, fuck, fuck' It’s all that is in his head. He’d genuinely like to ask her why he is so out of her life, to amend things instead of screwing it all up, but the urge to turn the tables is itching.
However, she must’ve interpreted his silence as a reason for her to continue.
“I tried to tell you, JK. The few times we spoke it was because I called you. I tried to be there for you; I tried to give you time; I tried to give you space.”
“What are you saying? You don’t want us to be together anymore, is that it?” It’s done, he thinks. There’s no way this talk would lead to fixing whatever was broken, because for starters he doesn’t even know when and where that whatever broke.
“That’s not the question you should be asking yourself. The real question is, do you love me?”
His jaw muscles tighten up, the dull pain in his forehead is taking over and is not allowing room for rationality anymore, “What the fuck Arin”. He knows he must look and sound like a complete idiot. They’ve been together for two years, but this is new territory for him —maybe for both of them. The perks of having met each other as teenagers, and becoming sweethearts later on in college meant for him like driving through life on neutral. He felt safe.
“God JK, don’t you see you can’t open up to me? We’ve been growing apart!”
That was it. Off the cliff they both go.
The last sense of rationality scatters. “This is so wrong. You're not even sorry for having someone else in your bed. I can’t believe you aren't considering fixing things to give us a second chance. After two years, two fucking years! Is this the way you are moving on? Alright then, I'll leave you to your new life”. He gets up off the couch abruptly —and she with him rushing to stop him, “JK please, don’t leave like this”.
He succeeded; he can see it in her eyes. Is it fear? Is it remorse? Is it love? It doesn’t matter anymore. He pulls out the key to her apartment from his pocket and places it on her palm. He leaves right after without saying another word. And she lets him.
Tonight, JK walked away from the only two people on earth that know him the most, and he did not stop to turn back, not even once.
I try closing my eyes and covering my ears
But the memories come back to me
Will my heart stop if I hold in my breath?
🎙🎙
JK wakes up to darkness. Except for a thin red-orange line coming from his bedroom window. This scene is all too familiar to him, it’s what lets him know that it's Sunday; Sunday sunset single-date or date with his darling Busan. It sounds cheesy but it’s the only day of the week that he has dedicated to himself the last few years. Well, before he stopped performing months ago.
After performing at Café Iguana from Thursday to Saturday every week for the past two years, Sunday sunsets became his favorite, because he’d usually eat at Jagalchi Fish Market, maybe have a sea eel cooked by one of the outdoor stalls; he’d later go for a walk along the Yeongdodaegyo Bridge and let the sun bask over his skin; he’d sometimes take his guitar with him, hoping to find a quiet spot away from people but near the beach, to play ‘til night would come and his fingers would find peaceful notes. But it had not happened for the last three months, and it certainly would not happen today.
These days he wakes up almost in the afternoon to an empty stomach, an empty fridge, and an empty house. Today’s just another one laying on his back, body and mind exhausted, staring into the ceiling, debating between sinking in his own bed or smashing his skull against the wall. If it was up to him, either would work. Every day it’s the same shitty bitterness that he can taste in his mouth and throat, which he can’t even get past to draw on his memories for some sort of relief. The only difference right now is that this cutting implacable pain has another name.
Arin.
At the mere thought of last night’s events his eyes start burning and his lips quiver but he tries to stop his thoughts from wandering too deep. He grabs his phone to check his text messages hoping to interrupt his train of thoughts. There are several from Huan and Arin, some others from acquaintances that must’ve been at the café, and one specific that gets his attention.
April 4 th
Tae
Audition on Tuesday 14th
Be there
April 7 th
Tae
Hey
JK?
June 13 th
Tae
Audition this Tuesday 16th
This is my last invite
I won’t bother you anymore
JK freezes up. There’s something about the first line in that last night’s text that for the first time in months spikes some not so unpleasant emotion. He’s been drifting in the sea of his pain for too long but at least he recognizes that he needs to get his mind out of the dark place he’s gotten to. Self-reflection is foreign to him but maybe he can skip his present mental experience and resort to anything else, anything to persuade himself from free falling.
Glimpses of him growing up in Busan come to mind, at his parents’ house and in his very own room where he’s laying down now; where he'd learn his first chords to play his favorite songs, songs that would lead him later to study at the College of Arts for three years, only to drop at 21 after a year of performing at Café Iguana. JK’s had a stable job and a beautiful girlfriend —well shit, ex-girlfriend.
He’s been playing it safe throughout his life, it seems. He’s never been fond of changes, but life has decided to slap him with so many that it has been so fucking distressing. So, what does he do when the vessel hits rough seas? He changes its course rapidly.
Today
Me
Tae
You there?
JK’s energy teleports to his childhood the moment he hits send, to the countless sleepovers at Taehyung’s where they’d read horror stories with a small lantern, both cozy under the covers when they were nine; to the exhibitions of wild animals and galactic monsters’ paintings and drawings across their home walls when they were eleven; to their singing acts at high school when they were sixteen, and to the sour goodbye to his best friend at the Busan station when they were seventeen.
Tae
I didn’t think it’d actually work
Me
What?
Tae
Me threatening you
Me
Oh so you were just fucking around?
There’s no audition?
Tae
Wait
Yes that part is true
Are you interested??
Me
What do I need to do?
Tae
JK
Are you sure??
Me
Yeah
Why
Tae
I don’t know
Maybe ‘cause you’ve ignored every single invite?
Maybe ‘cause I haven’t heard from you in months??
Me
Fuck I’m sorry
It’s just
Things have been rough
Tae
I know
Me
You do?
Tae
Our moms are still in touch, you know?
When you didn’t reply to my texts I knew you needed time
We don’t have to talk about that
I must’ve sounded like an asshole today, I’m sorry
Me
Tae it’s fine, don’t worry
So
What do I do?
Tae
I’m still processing that you’re serious about this
Just drag your ass here
Auditions start at 3pm on Tuesday, I’ll confirm your spot
So you better get here tomorrow, are you really in?
Me
Yes
Tae
Alright then
Come to my place when you arrive in Seoul
[Location]
Me
Tae?
Tae
Yeah?
Me
Can I borrow an amp from a friend of yours?
My Orange is just too big, I’m not taking it with me
I’ll get a new one after the audition
Tae
Ok wait wait
I don’t wanna push it but
It sounds like you’re implying a long stay
And I’m getting my hopes up, so
Are you?
Me
I am
Tae
I’ve been waiting 5 years for this
!!!!!!
See you here buddy
Travel safe
“Huan? Hey, it’s me. I need to talk to you, please. It’s important. I’m gonna need your help with something, I’ll drop by today but before that, I need to tell you a few things right now over the phone. So please, hear me out now because I won’t be able to do it in person. Can you please refrain from asking questions afterwards? Can you do that for me?"
"... alright JK."
"Thank you. Um, first of all, I’m sorry for last night. I know you’re worried about me; I know it. But I’m broken inside. I can hear my bones cracking with every breath. My fingers don’t recognize my Les. Fuck I can’t even sit down and jam anymore! Every time I do it, I can only hear noise in my head and that fucking scares me.
So… I’ve decided to go away. Tae got me an audition at this big place in Seoul and I’m leaving tomorrow. I’m leaving Busan, Huan. Even if the audition turns out to be shit, I won’t come back… any time soon…
I’m sorry for dropping this bomb so suddenly but this just came up and I need this. I want this. So… if it’s not too much to ask from you, I’d like to drop by right now and give you the keys to the house, can you help me to rent it out? At your own pace of course. I won’t need the money soon.
Uhm… That’s it. That’s all I had to say.”
“JK…of course. But I do have just one quick question.”
“!!!… (sighs) okay, go ahead.”
“Who are you auditioning for?”
“Underdog.”
‘Fuck, I’m really doing this. Busan, darling… don’t wait up.’
Take a deep breath
Until both sides of your heart get numb
Until it hurts a little
Let out your breath even more
Until you feel like there’s nothing left inside
🎙🎙
Two hours and forty minutes is what separates JK from his everything in Busan to a new beginning in Seoul, the huge and modern capital but perfectly strange to him. He looks at his one-way trip train ticket and it absolutely terrifies him. He wonders if he should’ve bought a cheaper and longer ride.
JK has never left Busan before but ironically, the only time he considered traveling was for Arin’s birthday last year. She wanted them to spend a weekend in Seoul, but the plan went sour when she couldn’t swap her shift at work, so she ended up giving up. He was relieved though, as he couldn’t find in his heart to persuade her from dragging him out of Busan when she was so excited, but he was not amused about sightseeing, at all. Now and for the first time in 22 years he’s weighing his anchor, getting underway towards Seoul, and leaving Busan behind… and Arin. What a sick joke.
Me
Tae
I’m here
Tae
:O
Coming out
Exactly two hours and forty minutes of pain later, JK is in Seoul. When he walks out from the train station, he realizes that he can no longer breathe the salty air of Busan; instead, his sense of smell starts going into overload and many scents hit him at once, is it kimchi? Pollution? What the fuck.
After a short drive in a cab to Hongdae, JK texts Taehyung to let him know he just arrived. JK finds himself standing in front of a wide donovan gate shielding a leafy garden, and a picturesque two-story brick house. Did he arrive in Seoul or The Shire? He’s heard Hongdae is a very expensive and cool area, and this location confirms the rumor judging by the scene before him, even though the house stands out from the others for its fairy-tale aesthetics, which he finds... peaceful?
Among the bushes, JK spots an acquainted silhouette. Taehyung. JK notices that his friend looks like a vivid canvas from head to toe, not only because his hair, face, and neck exhibit all kinds of dry painting but because all of him is a psychedelic palette. His hair is a mix of his natural black with sapphire and grey shades; he’s wearing a cognac cardigan over a striped jersey top, a mustard scarf around his neck, and blue baggy jeans with eclectic patchwork. Burgundy nail polish on his bare feet.
At some point in his way to Seoul he was kind of nervous of reencountering his childhood best friend, but now that he sees Tae’s bright smile, he’s only thinking about how perfectly his friend fits in this bizarre scenery.
Tae doesn’t give him any chance, before JK can move he’s being enveloped in a strong long hug, and some electric vibe travels to his heart. What an extraneous, distant sensation.
When Tae pulls away, he gives JK another sincere smile and raises his arms high in an attempt to introduce the newly arrived at his home, “Pretty cool isn’t"? Wiggling his eyebrows. “Come on, I want to introduce you to Hoseok before he leaves for work”.
Past huge and bright ginkgo trees, they walk towards a wood floating outdoor staircase situated to the left of the house, which leads to the second floor. Halfway up the stairs, JK stares into the wide front window from the first floor, and he thinks he spots short curly grey hair, before they get upstairs to a wrought iron front door with two sidelights.
Meeting Hoseok was just another atypical discovery, like finding a piece that mergers quite perfectly in this surreal puzzle. In five minutes Hoseok introduced himself, welcomed and patted JK’s head twice; turned the stove off and took a feast out of the oven; put some food in a container, and set the table; changed his outfit three times in front of them, waved goodbye and left. And not a single hair stood up from his flawless look.
“Meet Hoseok,” Taehyung smirks while guiding JK to the table. They remain in silence for a few moments, contemplating the various deep flavored dishes in front of them. JK’s eyes wander to a huge bowl of japchae and a large broiled skillet of pork chops with veggies. There’s kimchi with rice and eggs, and a bunch of hotteok with nuts stacked on a plate, and JK wonders what the occasion would be for such a banquet, given the two extra plates already set. He’d like to ask Taehyung out of curiosity but he’s afraid his question would be misunderstood as him being hungry, when in fact he’s not. Actually, JK doesn’t recall the last time he was starving, so he decides to address some other important matters with his friend.
“Tae, is there anything I should know about the audition beforehand? Do you have any insights?” He notes how Taehyung snaps out of his trance and fixes his attention back on him.
“Oh my God JK, you’re right. I’m sorry, we should discuss that now. Would you like anything to drink?” Tae stands up and goes to a built-in beverage cooler that JK hadn’t noticed was under the kitchen counter. “We have beer, soju, mineral water, what’s gonna be?” Pointing at the extensive selection perfectly arranged in the mini fridge.
“Hand me a Hite,” JK answers. At this point, he realizes he hasn’t paid attention to the place, which looks extremely expensive. He can see the front door from where he’s seated in the kitchen. In the petit living room, the warm illumination combined with dark blue walls and black leather furniture gives a sophisticated effect but cozy. There’s also a whole ass wooden panel wall that leads towards a narrow hall where there are some other doors, but what truly stands out is the numerous tree branches with string lighting hanging from the kitchen ceiling, right above both of them.
“I want a Hite too,” a new voice coming from the arched kitchen doorway surprises them. When JK focuses on the person the deep voice belongs to, he recognizes his iconic face.
“Shit Jin, when will you stop being so sneaky?” Taehyung slams the fridge door and starts opening three beers. “Come greet JK, he just arrived”, he says happily waving Jin over to where they’re at.
“You are Kim Seokjin. Never imagined I’d meet a famous actor.” JK says unfazed but polite.
“And I never imagined I’d finally meet the famous JK.” Jin responds as he approaches them. He takes his beer from Taehyung and remains standing next to him, observant, never breaking eye contact with JK. If it were another person or maybe another moment in his life, JK would be intimidated by his strong and long stare but he can’t stop looking at Seokjin either.
“Jin just came back to Korea. He left America for good.” Taehyung says looking at Jin with a genuine smile and apparently proud.
There are plenty of questions popping into JK’s head right now but most importantly, why the fuck does Seokjin keep staring at him?
“Why did you leave America?” JK suddenly enquiries before tasting his drink, eyes fixed on him.
Seokjin finally drops his gaze for a second, then he leans one elbow on the counter and refocuses his attention on Taehyung, body directed towards him while he speaks, “I missed home. So, one day I just said, fuck the States”.
“Yeah, you missed Halmi.” Taehyung replies quite fast with a sidelong glance. He then raises his beer, “Anyways, welcome. Here’s to both of you, you’re gonna blow our minds I’m sure of that”.
JK has always been a keen observer, not much of a talker. Reminiscing over high school years with Taehyung, one chilly morning during winter, there was this pretty girl sitting across from them at the library that his best friend kept staring at, when she noticed him she began confidently flirting with him by playing with her own hair and running a pen across her lips. They were 15 years old, and Taehyung’s silent instants spoke volumes; for JK they were explicit in their meaning but still their parents and other close friends wouldn’t notice them. It was a language of their own, unwritten, precious.
This moment was clearly misunderstood by this bold teenager. “That plum velvet blazer will look better on me”. Taehyung finally spoke after minutes.
“Will, you said?” JK answered.
“Should I tell her?”, Taehyung asked, acting coquettishly, eyes on the blazer. JK’s eyes drifted from him to the girl who was striking the corniest flirty pose. Fucking funny.
“Yeah, go on.” From afar JK watched the brief interaction that started with a very confident girl wearing the beyond-unreal-ultimate fake smile he’d ever seen and ended with said girl slamming books and chairs before stomping out of the library. Fucking hilarious.
Right now, in the kitchen of this new world JK has set foot on, where his best friend has been looking at Seokjin for as long as JK has seen his beer content being reduced to a few drops, he witnesses one of Taehyung’s moments of silence. Loud and clear. It’s filled with confined emotions rather than uncomfortable stillness. Glancing at Seokjin, JK senses that he might not be the only one who can look through the painter, not anymore.
As time goes by, JK watches the last few rays of light vanish outside the kitchen window. This afternoon he’s learned that Seokjin’s grandmother owns the property and she’s been living downstairs alone for a long time; at least before she allowed his only grandson to build this second floor two years ago. Seokjin made an agreement with Taehyung, Hoseok and another friend to live there rent-free with the condition of looking after Halmi –as they call her. Seokjin and his parents have mostly lived abroad for nearly a decade, but he’s managed to find an inconstant balance between South Korea and the US throughout his life. Seokjin’s parents are renowned producers in the film industry, they’ve been living in Los Angeles since forever and that contributed for Seokjin to become an in-demand movie actor and to be labeled The King of Independent Films. On his way to become one of the ten most prolific and successful South Korean actors of all times, according to Taehyung.
“I better head out, thank you guys for this, the food, beers,” JK says as he stands up from his bar stool.
“What do you mean!? Where are you going!? I thought you’d stay with us!” Taehyung comes to his senses approaching his friend.
“Oh, I reserved a place nearby for a couple of weeks, don’t worry.” JK replies as he bends over and starts grabbing his things from the floor, “Also, I really need to practice for tomorrow”. When he stands up and turns around he’s once again surrounded by Tae’s arms, “Please stay, please".
Tae
I can’t believe you left
Me
Tae
I’m gonna see you tomorrow
Tae
But your welcome dinner :(
Me
More food??
What are you talking about
Tae
My friends wanted to meet you
Hoseok just came back
Me
But I met him
Tae
Jimin is finally here too
he was supposed to eat lunch with us earlier
Me
Who?
Tae
Jimin??
My glowing star
My muse
The colors of my rainbow
The gucci to my prada
Me
Again
Who?
Tae
Jimin!
Wait srly
Have I really kept Jimin to myself?
That sounds very me though
Me
I gotta start practicing
Bye Tae
Tae
I can’t believe I’ve never talked to you about my bff
Me
Ouch
Tae
You had that coming
🎙🎙
‘I forced the abrupt end of my Les and darling Busan's love story. It has to be it.’ It’s what JK deduces as he listens over and over to the different recordings of himself playing last night and this morning. He’s in a cab on his way to his audition at Underdog and he can’t find one decent recording. ‘This is punishment for leaving Busan.’ He grunts and lets out a long loud breath while leaning back in his seat.
When he arrives at Underdog, he sees a long line of people waiting outside. The venue’s facade looks quite discrete, not what he was expecting from what he has heard. As he starts walking at the back of the line, he sees musicians playing their instruments; singers warming up their voice; distinct bands greeting each other, and other types of solo performers.
JK is ambivalent at the wrong time, a mix of excitement with nervousness but also annoyance: he hates long lines; he didn’t sleep enough, and he has never experienced dry spells in creativity before.
Someone reaches out for his hand from behind and forces him to stop. It’s Tae, and JK is relieved.
“JK where the hell are you going? I said I’d meet you at the entrance.” JK is glad to see him again but also amused at the current scene: his friend dragging him back to Underdog’s front door wrapping one arm around his shoulders and hugging a potted plum blossom with the other. He notices people looking at them when they pass next to them; at first he thinks it’s because his friend looks like a parent carrying his two children, but their eyes are fixed on Tae and they look eager to interact with him, although Tae just says hello to a few of them without paying too much attention.
“Alright, today is gonna be just you and me.” Tae considers for a moment and rectifies, “and Jimin, Hoseok, maybe Jin too. We’re going to celebrate with you". He hears JK groaning like a baby and takes the opportunity to push further, “I know you don’t love introductions but the rest of my friends are here right now, I really want you to see them".
Still dragging him, Tae changes subjects, “I’m sorry for last night, Jin has that effect on me". Although it sounds more blunt than apologetic judging by the sheer satisfaction on his face.
When they reach the front door Taehyung bobs his head to greet the bouncer before accessing the establishment freely, “Hey shorty”.
Shorty, nothing weird for a six feet five inches tall guy with a particularly high-pitched voice.
It’s broad daylight but it’s all darkness inside, just four black walls and dim lights on the right corner, which Tae leads them towards. They illuminate a stairway that looks more like a descending fire exit staircase. Underdog happens to be in the basement.
As soon as JK climbs down the last step and now he has visibility of the place, just like yesterday, Tae holds his arms up in the air, “Meet Underdog, the icon of Seoul”.
Underdog’s neat sound and lighting is what JK perceives first. Auditions haven’t started yet but the music do be making him vibe already. “That’s The 5, 6, 7, 8’s playing", JK says, eyes wandering around completely amazed. Underdog is huge. There’s no way he could have thought much of it when seeing it from the outside. The venue exudes quality, high ceilings exquisitely designed with three massive chandeliers. There’s also neon lights and plenty of undulating spotlights on the walls ready to be used, maybe depending on the mood of each show. JK identifies that the perfect complement it’s the quadraphonic Funktion-One system Underdog has. Impressive.
JK’s eyesight fixes on the stage, he stares at it for quite some time in silence; then he looks at the spotlights on the floor and the ones hanging from the ceiling; he looks around the whole venue one more time and he finally gets it. He understands why Taehyung, who has never been into common stuff and has never been inclined to popular places just for the sake of it, kept on insisting that JK gave it a chance to audition. The place doesn’t seem to have any more than what it really needs: good sound and lighting for live performances. Underdog must rely on its talent, on its performers. And that frightens him. Fuck.
The point now is, will Underdog give him a chance instead?
“This is only the main stage.”
At Tae’s words, JK turns around in shock, “What do you mean by only”?
Tae laughs for a few seconds before asking JK to follow him. “You’ll find out soon, come on".
Taehyung explains that Underdog is a multi-genre live music venue with rooms and stages of all kinds and sizes. Same goes to its audience: music genre preferences, age and appearance are irrelevant to enjoy any of the different artists that can perform at the same time. A renowned rock band with a big audience could be having a concert at the main stage at midnight while a rapper, a singer-songwriter or a violinist could be debuting at another stage.
However, Underdog is not only a nightclub. Every day since early in the afternoon, small format shows, expos and events with all types of aspiring artists have a chance here. Soloists, photographers, painters, writers, flourishing bands, any human being of legal age is welcome and has also a platform.
Rooms at Underdog are interconnected by very peculiar halls, some of them are narrow and have low roofs, mirrors and dim lights, some others are spacious without ceiling and shelter human sculptures, plants, and benches.
On their way to their destination, he glances at a few people reading, having a drink or taking pictures before disappearing into another corridor.
Tae grabs his hand smiling and leads him to the last passage that connects to an old stone staircase. “This is my favorite place, away from the smoke, alcohol, sweat, and most people", he says excitedly as he hides the plum blossom plant behind his back and urges JK to climb faster.
Without seeing where they’re going, JK already perceives the air running freely upstairs; curious he climbs the last steps two at a time and suddenly he finds himself at the rooftop, and what a fucking unbelievable one. Wooden floor, tables and chairs, old street lamps everywhere, a bar in the corner, and a garden. A freaking rooftop garden. “Tae, Underdog is insane. Who owns this place"? A very amused Taehyung chins toward something behind JK, hinting at him to look back.
“What a pleasure to finally meet you, JK.”
Namjoon. It’s the name of calmness personified with the height of a young cherry tree, firm handshake like deep roots, and warm smile like the sun’s casting glow. The more JK steps in the world of his lost best friend, the more enigmatic it becomes.
“Namjoon and Yoongi, his business partner, own Underdog. You’ll see Yoongi soon, he’s in charge of auditions.” Tae explains, arms still hidden behind his back holding the petite plant.
“Oh no, no, no, are you about to start telling the story about two broke college students with big dreams, working as part time waiters? Please spare me,” says Namjoon, closing his eyes, sensing even more embarrassment. “Let’s change subjects please. I heard you’re auditioning today JK, that Gibson case you’re holding tells me you must have quite an impressive instrument, is that right”? Namjoon asks, smiling kindly. He holds JK’s gaze for a few seconds before pulling out his phone from his jeans back pocket and starts typing, motioning JK and Tae to follow him to the bar.
“It’s my Les.” The young musician surprises himself with his own words, they echo within him. Les, those three letters ring harder, they threaten with bringing back memories that he wants to keep locked, at least until they stop thundering his ears and pressuring his chest.
“You have a Les Paul!? I’d really like to see it later.” It’s all JK hears Namjoon say, he’s getting overwhelmed, he doesn’t want to fuck up right now but it’s like his lungs refuse to move oxygen into his bloodstream.
At the bar, Namjoon hands a bottle of water to each of them and JK starts drinking it without being thirsty, just to distract his mind and maybe to hold on really tight to the plastic cylinder without raising any suspicion. As soon as he empties the bottle, he realizes his teeth are grinding violently while at the same time he squeezes out all of the bottle's air.
Is that not the perfect image of his life at the moment? An empty, crushed plastic bottle.
Namjoon brings out a spray bottle and places it on the bar counter while looking at Tae, wearing a bright smile.
“What you got for me Tae? Come on, show me.”
Tae looks a bit surprised and disappointed but grins nonetheless, “How did you know? Why do you always know”!? Namjoon laughs holding out his hands expectantly; Tae sighs and finally gives in, presenting the little treasure he was hiding, “Please promise to love this beauty, Halmi says that she’s a fighter just like you are. Fuck I’m tearing up. Here, take it, it's yours now”.
JK watches the scene in front of him and starts wondering if interactions among Tae and his friends are equally intense and full of meaning all the time. It’s been barely one day in Seoul and he can tell they’re selfless and unpretentious around each other; they don’t seem to be slightly uncomfortable with JK’s gloomy behavior.
He himself acknowledges it, leaving Busan behind unexpectedly seems like a betrayal to everything he used to believe in, even about himself. Arriving in a new city, meeting new people, and trying to prove his worth at an audition it’s enough slander for one single day.
“Joon, I didn’t see Jimin rehearsing, is he still here?”
‘No more for fuck sake. I just want to get over with the audition and be left alone. At least for today, please.’
“You just missed him. He left early ‘cause the girls were having problems with a special customer at Kiwi’s.”
‘Thank fuck. I can’t deal with meeting any more people.’
“You mean an asshole customer.” Tae responds, more focused on how his tall friend sprays fresh water with delicate care on every little leaf of the baby plant.
JK takes this moment to steady his breathing; he notices though that Underdog’s co-owner it’s observing him.
“Hey JK,” Namjoon addresses him with his friendly tone, eyes drift back to his gardening work for a moment before they fix at him again, “I asked Yoongi if he could see you first. Auditions will start later but he’s ready for you if you are”.
JK perceives that Namjoon not only appears to be truly empathetic, it seems that he is understanding what’s happening to JK right now, either that or he’s beginning to be delusional.
“So JK, are you?” Tae asks him again with a tender voice, rubbing briefly and gently his back.
“I think I am, yes.”
As JK follows Tae to the main stage where auditions will take place, his guitar case gets heavier and heavier, he dreads he’s going to fail. He failed his first audition when he was a teenager; he failed to listen to the most important person in his life; he failed to play last Saturday; he failed in his relationship with Arin, and he’s failing at opening up to his best friend again. He needs him to know at least what’s happened the last few days.
“Tae wait. I don't think I can play my Les right now.” He wishes he didn’t need to say more but that wouldn’t be fair to his once confidant, who just reentered his life and who’s been the one that has tried to reach out to him always, while JK has only been neglecting their friendship.
They stare into each other’s eyes for a few seconds in silence until JK breaks the moment, “I stopped playing months ago. I didn’t touch my Les until the day you texted me. Later that night I found out—in a very graphic way—that Arin had been with someone else, maybe for months I don’t know”.
There. Not enough to show Tae the deep sea of his mind and heart but enough for himself to deal with. “Please let me borrow a guitar from one of your friends”. He finds himself drilling the floor with his eyes. He wishes he could at least show some emotion that makes Tae understand him. But there’s nothing. There’s nothing inside of him.
He hears Tae approach him; he grabs him by the shoulders, “JK, look at me”. And he does, his dearest friend is looking right through him. “I can get you any guitar you want; I can go on that stage and play by your side while you sing; I can also ask Yoongi to change your audition for tomorrow but more importantly, if you decide to give it a try with your Les, no matter the outcome, I will be here for you if you let me.”
Tae gives him a hug that seems he needed it more than JK and continues, “Forget about where you’re playing at, just focus on yourself and your fingers sliding smoothly across the chords, and then think one last time about her when you set those vocals and strings on fire. Arin can go fuck herself after that”.
The violent current of his thoughts has overflowed any emotion in its path, driven by endless questions. It’s exhausting, it’s endless. His brain stopped communicating with his heart a while ago.
In this state of agitation is how JK finds himself standing up from the chair he was provided to play, as he usually does at Cafe Iguana. The large open space at Underdog was making him think of the thousands of attendees that surely fit here at the venue’s main stage. There’s no need to get ahead of himself if he doesn’t even know if he’ll make it through the audition. He decides to go downstage with his Les pacing around a little. He finds this action less unsettling, it gives him a sense of control.
It’s been a long time since he saw anyone paying this much attention to him; at nineteen it had been the only occasion, when he had participated at the national music competition for his university. Oh how he wishes he hadn’t been an idiot at the time.
“Tiger, do you remember how you spaced out after performing your first song ever?”
“What are you going to sing today, JK?” Yoongi’s deep voice prevents him from spacing out again, he’s walking to his place down the stage.
A few minutes ago when JK came up on stage with Taehyung, he froze at the realization of the venue’s capacity. It was quite the sight. Yoongi decided to come to them to greet JK, and then went back to his chair down in front of the stage, where he’s currently looking at JK, expectant.
Yoongi strikes him as a serious guy, he looks like he’s lost deep in thought when listening to other people. He reaffirmed what Tae said earlier, that everyone is welcomed to gain experience performing for free at any other stage but the main one. Anyone wanting to join the team of top performers has to audition. Getting a chance at that could be only a couple of months wait depending on experience and the act, but there's no guarantee to pass the audition. Taehyung mentioned that chances to succeed depends on both the pull of aspirants and the Director’s view. Meaning, Yoongi’s power of perception is the main reason for Underdog's existence. Tae’s confident of JK’s talent and skills just like everyone else in his life has always been. But him, apparently. Because being here on this stage seems more like a series of unfortunate events than a confident step towards something.
“I’m ⎼it’s Paper Hearts by Tori Kelly.” JK stutters avoiding looking to the front, busying himself with his guitar pick.
“That’s cool, have you played it before?”
“Once a month, maybe. I’ve been covering it along with other songs for two years.” JK dares to look at Yoongi this time, Underdog’s co-owner gives the impression of being calm and poised.
“So, you’ve been playing at Café Iguana getting paid for your gigs, that’s awesome. We all know how good Café Iguana is, did you know that?”
Ironically, that’s completely surprising to JK, a musician that knows more about scenic views in his hometown than its nightlife. So, no, JK wouldn’t know that.
“I’ll let Huan know, I’m pretty sure he’s oblivious to that.” JK responds, a little less anxious. He adjusts his guitar strap over his shoulder and starts humming low to release his jaw and relax his shoulders. “Huan is Iguana’s owner and probably my oldest friend”. JK now waits for Yoongi’s signal to start his audition.
There’s a brief silence followed by Yoongi’s cue, “When you’re ready”. He leans back in his chair and waits for the young guitarist.
‘This is it.’
Performing on a new stage right now can be compared to being aboard a rocking boat. It’s getting difficult to get his mind off his discomfort, JK knows this song by heart so hopefully it weighs more than his dizziness.
JK doesn’t remember the last time he felt anything. He looks down at his fingers striking the strings, he focuses on changing the tones and on the sound of his voice. That’s all he can do.
Goodbye love, you flew right by, love
When he finishes the song he becomes aware of the fast rising of his chest and his erratic breathing. Eyes now settled on Yoongi’s.
Yoongi is pensive, eyes traveling from the Les Paul to JK’s eyes for a few seconds. He finally indicates, “I’m sure you’ve prepared a group of songs just in case, am I right?” Yoongi acknowledges when the performer nods and continues, “I’m gonna ask you to forget all of them now. I want you to improvise. Tell me a story, JK”.
Improvisation. The easiest task for any good musician at any given time. It’s so unfortunate that every fiber within him is wrecked. JK’s first instinct is to laugh, he should thank Yoongi and leave all behind seriously. But when he catches the sight of Taehyung at the back of the venue, even though he’s quite far his gestures denote that he’s thrilled, expectant of JK’s next move.
Fuck.
JK thinks he sees someone else a bit farther opposite to Tae looking at him on the stage, but pays no attention to them.
He decides to turn around and walk back to the chair, trying to gain time. He sits down, places his hands flat on his guitar strings, and closes his eyes. He breathes deeply once, fingers finally pressing on their right place.
Before JK can open his eyes Yoongi is clapping vigorously. “Wow… that was nice. I gotta say that your skills are something else; there’s something unique about you that I haven’t seen before”. He then sighs heavily, leaning forward on his chair and places his elbows on his knees.
“But it’s a no.”
JK tenses up at Yoongi’s words, he was dreading this result but kept his hopes up. Is it another failure? Is he ever going to do anything right in his life? Is he bound to live down the deep sea of his mistakes and faults?
“However, it’s not a permanent no.” Yoongi assures. “Listen JK, just stick around, watch others’ gigs, get acquainted with what we do here, get the hang of it”. Yoongi sounds honest, this is his business after all, if someone knows anything surely it’s him. “You can come to Underdog whenever you want. Let’s see where this goes”.
The guitarist finally thanks Yoongi for the chance and bids goodbye. He’d really like to get out of this place as soon as possible but there’s one conversation left.
At the bottom of the stairway on his way out Tae is waiting for him. It’s JK who failed but his best friend is the one who looks miserable.
“I’m sad. Not because of the result, it’s just one audition after all, you can try next time.” His best friend’s glassy eyes could break JK, if he wasn’t already broken. “I’m sad because it seems like you’re leaving.”
JK presses his lips hard. Thinking thoroughly about his next words. “I’m not. But there’s something important I need to say”. He grabs his best friend’s hand, “I’m not going back to Busan, I’m staying. I’m not in the right mindset now though, I need some time to adjust”.
“Yeah, of course.” Tae responds, squeezing his hand. “I understand, just–just don’t shut me out”.
JK doesn’t want to get ahead of himself and give an empty answer, so he only squeezes his hand back and ruffles his friend’s hair before heading out.
Before leaving Underdog he finds a trash can, guitar pick in hand with his ex-girlfriend's name on it. The young musician looks at it one more time and throws it away.
“Fuck you Arin.”
So if you're out there, I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin', for my future someone
'Cause when the time is right
You'll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song
🎙🎙
Laying on an unfamiliar bed in the middle of the night trying to put off the influx of thoughts, it's beginning to seem impossible. They’re fucking relentless and JK is so numb.
There’s no bright side to anything happening to him. He now firmly believes it’s all a consequence to his negligent behavior and he has to accept it. He deserves all this shit, that is all there is to it.
JK hasn’t been in touch with anyone in three days. He has barely eaten and he doesn’t remember the last time he showered.
Today he decided to eat something from the nearby convenience store. Again. He’ll probably grab some instant ramen and water. Again. Once at the store that’s exactly what he does, he gets two of each item. On his way to the cashier he sees a sign indicating that grapes are on sale, he didn’t even know they sold fruits at such a small establishment. He sighs dropping dramatically his shoulders, giving in to his first craving. These days everything represents a constant battle with himself.
At the back of the store he should have found some boxes with the sweet fruit according to the cashier, but he only finds an old lady struggling to make some of those boxes fit in a plastic bag.
“Here, please let me help you.” JK offers holding one of the plastic bags for her.
“Oh, thank you dear, I couldn’t help myself. They’re absolutely delicious.”
JK doesn’t see any grapes left, he wonders if he should ask her. 'Ah fuck it'. He turns to leave but the lady grabs one of his wrists and places one box full of grapes in his hand, “Here, I wasn’t lying when I said I couldn’t control myself so I took them all”.
“Oh no, please I can’t. It’s okay, I was just leaving–”
“You’re going to take them, it’s what you were here for weren’t you?”
JK finds himself holding his breath for a few seconds, looking at her wrinkled features and soft eyes straight on him. He won’t say no out of respect.
“Okay, thank you.” He offers help with the items she’s holding in her arms but she refuses, assuring that her grandson is waiting for her outside the store.
At the cashier, this peculiar lady who is standing in line in front of him turns and smiles at him, “You look like you’ve recently moved to Seoul”.
“I have, very recently.” He tries to return the smile but then realizes, “I’m sorry, I look you said? Who do I look like?”
“More like what.” She’s staring at him and that makes him self-conscious somehow.
“I’m not sure I understand. What do I look like?” He asks, clearly confused.
“Like hell, dear; but you look strong too, you’ll be fine.” She pats his shoulder and turns back to pay her groceries. A dumbfounded JK stands awkwardly behind. Then he smiles a little at her bluntness.
“I’ve always lived in Seoul,” she continues. “You’d be surprised at the amount of outsiders I’ve met searching for that something in this city. Plenty of them have come for the wrong reasons, only a few have stayed for the right ones.”
After putting away her wallet on her purse, she grabs her things and leaves without another word.
‘What the hell just happened?’
🎙🎙
JK has been meaning to text Huan and Tae. Yes, he has.
No, that’s a lie, why is he lying to himself?
The conversation with the grapes' lady keeps replaying over and over in his head. It doesn’t mean anything, it shouldn’t. Yet, here he is laying down in bed with the ceiling as witness of his restlessness.
‘This is not a fucking movie, get a grip.’
On the other hand, he’s finding it hard not to consider her words. He’s already in Seoul for fuck sake, what does he have to lose? Time? Another audition?
Me
Hey
Tae
Thank fuck
Me
What?
Tae
Whatever you’re about to say
Whatever you’re planning
I support you
Me
Oh ok
‘Cause I just returned the key to the place I was renting
I left
Tae
No no no no
Don’t you fucking dare going back to Busan
ISTG I’ll tackle you at the train station if I have to!
Where are you!?
Me
Outside
Tae
WHERE OUTSIDE
Me
Your door
Chill
Open up
“You’re squeezing me too fucking tight,” a barely audible JK can be heard all wrapped up within long arms; the young musician can sense his friend’s joy through every crack of his bones.
“Shut up, I'm not doing it for you.” Tae finally stands up from the couch where he cornered JK a few minutes ago and grabs the handle of the guitar case. “Ok, let me show you your room”.
“Tae wait, is this really okay with Seokjin? I just can’t seem to stop acting impulsively lately, I don’t want to be a bother but of course I can pay for the room if he’s okay with me living here.”
The painter knows him too well, that’s why JK keeps avoiding his sight. Instead, he focuses on the numerous dry paint stains on Tae’s arms and on the numerous patchwork sewed on his blue loose jeans. They remind the guitarist of a time in his life as a child when he would look forward to seeing his dad after one of his innumerable work trips, his sole concern was how to be more creative to impress him with a new drawing or painting.
He'd show him his art and would stay put, expectant of his father's reaction. But before long his dad would proudly display it on the walls of his workshop and JK would believe that too, that he was proud of himself.
Until he’d fuck up years later.
‘Fuck, this is not the time.’
“Hey, hey babe listen to me,” Tae interrupts him from drifting off the conversation as he usually does. “I don’t want you to agonize over anything that’s on your mind right now so I’m just gonna say something I’ve been meaning to since you arrived in Seoul", he puts back the case on the floor before continuing. “I’ve never been one to fix things and I’m not about to begin trying to fix my best friend. At most, I aim to spend some time together; to have a cup of coffee with you in the morning; to go for a walk or watch a movie on the couch or just... paint something together again. That’s all.”
It’s the way his friend’s attention is all on him; the unconditional pouring of his heart and the warmth radiating from him; the way his words are trying to reach somewhere within JK that is presently in a dormant state, that are preventing him from reciprocating his gaze because his eyes sting so much, they menace with exposing his vulnerable state. He can only manage to grab his guitar case from where Tae left it on the ground and deviate the conversation, “Lead the way then.”
The room is spacious, neat, and it smells fucking expensive like everything else in this house. Although it’s not the smell of the leather furniture, wood flooring or silk bed sheets that predominates in the room—actually, anywhere else he has been to around the place. The richest aroma is that of the different plants and trees in the property that truly stands out. It’s probably the touch and care of Seokjin’s grandmother.
“The room’s rent free.” Tae says nonchalantly sitting on a recliner situated on the corner next to the window, he proceeds to explain it’s been vacant since this Jimin guy moved out.
“More precisely, it’s not for lease. Jin trusts me and that’s why it’s available for you but if you weren’t to accept the conditions it’ll remain for visits forever”.
“Conditions? What kind of conditions?” JK frowns as he turns around to get acquainted with the space.
“There’s two specific rules. Pay attention because even though they could sound pretty easy it’s important that you respect them.” He waits for the guitarist to sit down on the bed before continuing. “Halmi is the most precious being in our lives, she’s old but she’s very active and engages in a lot—a lot—of activities during the week. Hobi and I take turns to drop her and pick her up; he has Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and I take care of her the rest of the week, except Sundays when we all usually just chill on our own or with her, ‘cause she’s the coolest. The idea is that you could help two days so Hobi can have more time for training and rehearsals and I can focus on painting.” Tae pauses for a few seconds to ask JK, “How does it sound so far”?
“Good. Just wondering what the other condition might be.”
“Ah, the other one is the real job. You saw all those trees and bushes at the entrance, right?” Tae signals to the window smirking. “Well, there’s more around the property and we all do the gardening.”
“No fucking way,” JK blurts out in clear surprise. “How? I mean, these are no normal gardens, these could easily pass as Geumgang gardens.”
Taehyung laughs at the drama as he stands up to walk out the room, not before punching his friend on the arm as he passes by. “You’re strong, you’ll be alright.”
“That’s what the grapes’ lady said this morning,” JK responds snorting. “That 's funny.”
“Who?” Tae stops walking to ask him.
“Never mind.” JK gestures with a hand in a dismissive way. “Are we meeting her now"?
“Jin took her on a little trip, you’ll meet her when they come back next week. Now settle down and get ready, Jimin performs tonight at Underdog.” Tae is barely heard talking from the corridor now.
“Who is this Jimin?” JK thinks out loud looking out the window, not expecting the painter to hear him.
JK looks behind when he hears Tae coming back and poking his head from the door, “Babe trust me, you’ll know who Park Jimin is as soon as he sets foot on stage”.
🎙🎙
Here we go again. Being at Underdog it’s both enthralling and daunting. The thought of coming back was kind of a bitter blow but seeing the venue now at its full capacity with its amazing lighting effects, and listening to its pleasant acoustics with bodies swaying to DJ Gray’s Dream Chaser, it’s more thrilling than not. Plus, Tae assured that live performances are nothing JK has ever seen before.
As the night progresses, they watch two more DJs, a pop duet, and a punk-rock band.
Namjoon joins them on the table with drinks when the fourth performance begins but excuses himself right after when he’s called from the terrace. After the fifth show, Hoseok arrives with a bottle of whisky, hugging everyone —including a couple of waiters and many other people passing by. This is the first time that JK is at ease, it might be the alcohol but it also might be these peculiar friends and their vibe. I mean, how many times has JK been around a successful producer who preferred dedicating to gardening? Even more, gardening in a club? He has apparently been seen watering Halmi’s plants more often than with Yoongi closing deals for new gigs as main shows.
Or around a famous dancer like Hoseok, whose dance teaching classes sell out as soon as they’re scheduled in Seoul?
Taehyung might have chosen painting over singing but he’s equally popular in this place, if all the stares and smiles of people passing by mean anything.
“Hey Tae, why did you stop singing? Do you not like it anymore?” JK asks, almost screaming, a bit annoyed at having to do that given to the loud music. He really wants to know why someone so stubborn like his friend would give up on his childhood dream.
“Not at all, I love singing, I love my voice. But the peace I get from painting in silence it’s something I value the most.” The painter looks at JK and winks, “for now at least".
“Jimin is the one who misses him more.” Hoseok interrupts. “Have you told JK how Jimin and I met you”? He asks, tying into a bow the silk black scarf Tae’s wearing on his neck.
JK now curious asks both, “Please tell me, I genuinely want to know more about you guys, given that my best friend decided to omit everything and everyone". Tae squints at that about to fight back but Hoseok stops him placing a hand on the painter’s mouth.
“It was two years ago.” Hoseok responds, more eager to tell the story. “Jimin and I were here, outside, waiting in line for auditions to start. The queue was so long that it extended to several blocks around Underdog. But since Jimin is a time control freak, we were first in line.” Hoseok makes a pause to serve more whisky into three glasses and resumes. “This gorgeous baby here", pointing at Tae next to him, “who is the epitome of chill, joined the very end of the line—which was exactly across the street in front of the entrance—just a few minutes before auditions were supposed to start. Jimin and I couldn’t stop staring at him, I think it was love at first sight”. He says putting a few strands of sapphire hair behind Tae’s ear.
“Anyways, Tae notices us and looks shamelessly at Jimin from head to toe before deciding to leave the line and cross the street to come to us, smiling stupidly at Jimin.” Hoseok pauses to give a glass of whisky to each of them and continues. “Jimin couldn’t stop giggling and Tae was mirroring him. I swear they’re two of a kind, a giggling mess since they first met". He takes a sip of his drink looking excited to tell the next part, “Tae baby stops right in front of Jimin and says, “Hi, I love your shoes, they will—”
“They will look better on me,” JK cuts in.
“Oh, did he tell you the story?” Hoseok stops abruptly, hitting the table with the glass and spilling a few drops of whisky, clearly disappointed.
To which JK—sending his childhood best friend a dirty look—replies, “It just sounded familiar. Sorry Hoseok, please continue, what did this Jimin do”?
“This Jimin?” Namjoon’s voice is barely heard with the sound of drums in the background. He just returned and as he sits down, Tae welcomes him back with a glass of whisky too.
Hoseok hasn’t stopped looking at Tae and JK. He squints and points at both, “I’d like to ask what’s going on with you two ‘cause I’m confused, but first things first”. He sighs and carries on, “So yes, Tae says that Jimin’s shoes will look better on him and Jimin baby—with stars and rainbows all over his face—does what he has learnt to do from there on when it comes to Tae: he gives in. He removes his shoes and gives them to him, just like that.”
Tae and Namjoon explode in laughter, nearly spilling their drinks on the table.
Hoseok proudly resumes, “Jimin pulls Tae back in the line with us as we are called inside the venue at that exact moment”. He gives his whisky another sip before finishing his story, “Jimin auditioned barefoot. We all passed. The rest is history".
JK watches all of them bend over in laughter—silently making a toast in hopes of a fresh start for him as well.
“Hey JK, what did Jimin say after your audition the other day? I’m curious.” Hoseok asks.
“Jimin left before auditions started, Hobi.” Namjoon responds before JK.
Hoseok, eyes furrowed, turns his head left and right, “No but—”
“Jimin and JK haven’t met,” Namjoon insists. “I’m pretty sure both of them didn’t know about each other’s existence ‘til a few days ago, right Tae?” Instead of letting Tae give an explanation, Namjoon turns to Hoseok scowling, “Or did you? Hobi please don’t tell me you knew about JK already? After all, you live together, you traitors.” He sends a dirty look at both of his friends.
“Of course not! This little shit kept this rough diamond hidden from everyone, apparently.” Hoseok defends himself glancing at JK. “No wait, I bet five bucks that Jin knew".
“Oh come on, I could never dare to spoil anything related to you guys.” Tae now barges in, “It’s like getting spoilers of a movie that you’re about to see, why the hell would I do that when JK can meet you guys in person and make his own opinion of The Kim Namjoon? The Jung Hoseok? The Park Jim—”
The sound of a piano at the venue is heard bright and clear. JK didn’t notice they had been talking normally the last few minutes because of the short break of music. Now that it has resumed, he sees fog filling the stage smoothly, creating expectation. People start rushing to the front all hyped up. That’s something JK has never understood, he prefers staying behind the sound engineers where he experiences better audio quality, instead of constantly bumping into sweaty people at the front.
The piano key notes coming from the Funktion-One soundsystem heighten beautiful glissandos. Then the haze dissipates just in time as the music comes to a full stop. All eyes are drawn to the center of the stage, illuminating with a spotlight on a dark background the figure of one single person seated on a chair embracing themselves, one arm wrapped around their bent over torso and one hand with splayed fingers covering their face. Pastel purple straight hair shining bright in their head, just the perfect balance between sweet and punk. A black bomber jacket over a simple white t-shirt and skin tight black pants accentuate mother fucking dancer legs; muscular, strong, tensed, long legs. The pointed toe of their heeled leather black boots just brushes the floor.
All of a sudden their vocals resonate across Underdog with the 4.0 surround sound, but mostly they resonate throughout JK’s body. The only time in his life that some fucking insane range had pulsated within him had been at the age of seven, when his dad had taken him to his first Michael Jackson concert.
The lavender haired dancer slides down elegantly from the chair and goes back on their feet in a snap, he starts twirling seductively the chair with one hand as if it was their dance partner. Then they sing as they spin around it with grace.
Tae calling his name almost distracts him. Almost. If it weren’t for JK—now crashing among other bodies—being mind blown, eyes widened and fixated on the exquisite voice on stage and their strong but delicate fluent motioning. Every time JK blinks, their silhouette becomes clearer and clearer until he sees them with clarity, each and every single of their features. There’s a natural glow behind all their makeup. He suddenly realizes he’s so close to the stage, “How the hell?” He looks around briefly and dares to ask a girl next to him, “Hey, who are they”?
The girl’s brows snap together indicating surprise, “You’re joking right”? She looks at him briefly with a smug face, “Wouldn’t it be more fun to find out by yourself who he is”?
At the same time the singer turns the chair and jumps on it only to drop his weight forward by placing one foot on the seat and the other on the top rail. The action so smooth he’s sure no sound could’ve been heard even without music. At that, the piano ballad transitions into an electropop song, percussions and guitar in crescendo and neon lights start flashing on and off exciting the crowd to the point that the energy from it all causes something within JK.
In the middle of these euphoric seconds, this marvelous performer replaces his black jacket with a purple satin one and puts on black sunglasses. Three beats announce the singer’s entrance and his voice vibrates afterwards, the crowd explodes along with R&B and hip hop elements and neon lights everywhere.
JK is awestruck. And continues being like that for the rest of the 30-minute show. There’s so much stirring inside him; it's mostly his heart that has been searching for an escape to the effervescence of emotions.
The last notes the performer sings are like warm honey going down JK’s throat. Then the lights go off in a throb. A few seconds later, the singer and dancer is seen again in the middle of the stage, and ovation, whistling, applauses follow. He bows greatly a few times walking backwards to the back of the stage, but he pauses unexpectedly. He tilts his head down and lowers his sunglasses, it seems that something has caught his attention in the crowd.
Next second, the purple haired singer is jumping off the stage in front of everyone instead of going backstage. He greets a few people as he moves in the direction of where JK is standing. Why does it seem that the singer is looking right at him?
“Hi.” Indeed, the singer is in front of him, talking to him.
‘What?’
The performer’s mouth curves into a light smile, perhaps at the lack of response, perhaps at JK’s idiotic state. “Did you enjoy my stage”?
“That’s an understatement.” JK finally remembers how to speak.
“Oh? Is that so.” Lavender boy approaches a little bit more with a sly smile. There’s people gathering around, some are trying to get the singer’s attention but it seems that his eyes are on JK, he couldn’t tell though ‘cause his black sunglasses are preventing him from finding out. But JK doesn’t want to anyways, this is fucking surreal.
“Please, do tell.” The corner of lavender boy’s mouth quirks up a bit again, and JK is finding it hard to gather some saliva to swallow.
“I don’t want to scare you away.” A sudden wave of confidence surprises himself.
The singer licks his lips and bites them, when he releases his thick lower lip it bounces back and JK is sure he’d look like a complete moron staring at their smoothness and perfection if it weren’t for the dim lights at Underdog.
“You think that after just having performed in front of three thousand people,” he points back to the stage with his thumb, “after countless hours of practice busting my ass, I’m going to act like a prude?”
Fucking hot, it’s all that is in JK’s mind. Then another boost of confidence, “Your voice made me rock harder than anything ever has. I was all the way at the back with friends when you started singing but I ended up front row, and I don’t even remember standing up from my seat.” His own voice gives him electrifying pinches in distinct spots of his skin and now he vibrates. He fucking vibrates after so long in front of a fucking stranger.
His eyes roam shamelessly over the singer’s face and body, “Your presence right now is making me feel fucking elated”.
His bluntness probably sounds pretentious but so right at the same time, JK guesses.
‘No wait, what the fuck did I just fucking say.’
He breathes erratically now, he's agitated but he sees how the singer freezes. Confidence resumes; JK’s expectant of his reaction, unblinking.
The pastel purple haired smiles. And the brightness of it could be enough to illuminate Underdog and more, like JK’s dark corners of his aching heart.
“I’m thirsty. Come to the bar with me?” The singer finally responds, adjusting his sunglasses before turning around. JK follows him, although he can’t stop asking himself ‘seriously what the fuck is going on?’
At the bar, the singer asks for bottles of water and beers. “Thank you for coming tonight”. He smiles at JK. When he receives the bottles of water he opens one of them and drinks chunks right away.
“I’m-I’m confused.” JK utters hesitantly.
“Get more beers, please. I’ll see you in a bit, okay?” The singer says with his sunglasses still on. He squeezes JK’s shoulder briefly before turning away, black skinny jeans exquisitely stretched is all that JK sees before the singer vanishes in the sea of bodies.
🎙 🎙
When JK finally finds his way back to the table with beers that he ordered without thinking just because the purple haired asked him, he reflects on their conversation and on how shamelessly stupid he was. Fucking hell. Although he probably won’t see him again anyway—at least not tonight.
“Hey buddy, you’re back. How was it from the front row?” Tae grins, and he grins hard. Same as Namjoon and Hoseok, and the singer...
‘The singer!' Fuck’
He finally gets it. He didn’t realize that Tae had been resting his torso on someone else’s chest behind him. It’s the purple haired singer, who now places his chin over his childhood best friend’s shoulder, wraps his right arm around his waist, and rests his left hand on the table holding a beer.
“You’re Jimin.” JK sighs.
“And you’re JK.” Park Jimin answers.
🎙 🎙
Park Jimin.
‘Park Jimin, Park Jimin.’
If velvet clouds were to meet at a late sunset in Dadaepo beach, they’d certainly be the color of Park Jimin’s lavender pixie cut. The distinctive smoothness of the sand couldn’t even compare to the soft features of his side profile, yet the lines from his chin down to his neck are ironically sharper than an erec—
“Jealousy in the air,” Hoseok sings whispering next to him. They are currently lounging back at the house, after Jimin’s performance all friends decided to throw themselves on the couches with their drinks and some snacks.
“I’m sorry what?” JK apparently lost it for a few there, his eyes traveling from Hoseok to Namjoon and Yoongi.
When they came back he had the urge to avoid Yoongi at all costs, somewhat ashamed, as if he had let him down. That’s when his mind started replaying Jimin’s flawless performance, deciding that Tae was absolutely right. He should have known who Park Jimin was right from the start.
“Who’s jealous?” Yoongi breaks the silence, and JK’s attention fixates on Tae and Jimin, who are entangled in a sofa in a corner across from them in the living room. They’ve been entertained with something on Tae’s phone for the past hour.
Confused, JK narrows his eyes and points at himself.
“Hobi’s not talking about you, JK.” Namjoon says as he leans back on the couch and closes his eyes.
“And I’m sure Tae doesn't even know the word jealousy exists, so.” Yoongi says before savoring his beer with a loud sigh.
“Jimin doesn’t strike me as a person who would feel threatened by others, or by someone like me.” JK says, watching Jimin caressing Tae’s silk scarf.
Although jealous of what? He just arrived from fucking underworld having been cheated on by mother fucking queen of deceive. Being able to see Tae on a regular basis after years it’s sheer luxury.
Also, the fact that his friends are letting him hang out with them it’s more than what he deserves.
“JK baby, he’s not jealous of you.” Hoseok’s smugness suggests more than what JK can assimilate. He shouldn’t think of anything for his own sanity, already hanging by a thread.
But he has to look. He always has to look. He could swear there’s a pair of eyes settled on his, if it weren’t for those goddamn sunglasses.
‘Nah fuck that, it can’t be. Right?’
“Hard to tell for you with Jimin still wearing those sunglasses but not for me.” Hoseok says as if he was reading JK’s mind. “Hey Jimin baby, please take those shades off,” Hoseok shouts and catches the cozy pair’s attention.
“No.” Jimin responds, caressing Tae’s cheek. “They’re a prop for our next show, I’ll be wearing them day and night ‘til then”. He empties his fifth or maybe sixth beer, stands up and walks impassively to the kitchen to get more alcohol. Instead of walking past JK he stops in front of him to remove some rebel hair strands from the guitarist’s eyes. It’s the familiarity of this action and the conversations with the rest of them that has had JK in some kind of a daze. Nobody seems to be bothered by his presence, it’s just another Tuesday for them. He’s grateful for that because he doesn’t think he could bear talking about his life in Busan right now.
“Guys, I’m sleepy.” Namjoon sits up, stretches his arms and yawns. “I’m staying downstairs at Halmi’s, when are they coming back? I miss her.”
“On Monday! So I’m staying in Jin’s room tonight.” Jimin is coming back from the kitchen with a few drinks munching some kimbap. He was just squeezing with Tae in the single sofa when his phone rings, his mouth hangs open and he rushes to grab the painter’s arm, “Tae, he’s calling”. Tae’s expression of surprise lasts only a couple of seconds because the phone stops ringing. Both friends look at each other for a moment, the inner corners of his best friend’s eyebrows raise. Then Jimin stares at his phone, chews his lips incessantly, still grabbing onto his arm. “False alarm, I guess.” That's all Jimin says for the rest of the night. He keeps to himself while he drinks beer after beer, glass after glass of whiskey, checking on his phone constantly.
“I’ve heard you’re staying in Seoul, JK.” Says Yoongi who has been chilling quietly. JK actually forgot he was trying to avoid him.
Yoongi is friendly and cool. He listens actively to everyone, he laughs often and when his gums show they make him look endearing and funny. He’s similar to JK in a lot of ways so hopefully he understands that JK’s many moments of silence mean anything but wanting to be rude with him or anyone else.
“Yes, I’m staying.”
“I’m glad you are.” And before JK has the chance to respond to anything else, Yoongi prods, “How did your family take it”?
Fuck, everything was going so nice and smooth. Why does he feel so miserable about this subject after so long? He notices he was biting his lips and clenching his fists as he usually does when he makes the mistake of looking at Tae, he finds out his friend is equally worried, just as before with Jimin’s phone call.
“It’s late, let’s leave this topic for another time.” Tae responds instead, and thankfully the attention refocuses again on Jimin, whose phone rings again.
“I—I’m gonna take this call in the room.” Jimin looks shocked but impatient. He disappears in the corridor fast.
JK takes this opportunity to go unnoticed to the bathroom. Once in there he holds the sink tightly with both hands until the tip of each finger turns white, trying to even out his breathing. ‘Don’t go there, don’t you fucking dare going there now.’ He scolds himself. He turns on the faucet all the way and splashes water in his hair, face, and neck over and over. After a few minutes, he’s less agitated but he realizes he’s clothes are soaking wet. The guitarist turns off the faucet, grabs a towel to try and dry his face and hair at least and goes to his new room.
“I’ll talk to you later babe, ok?” JK hears a voice saying in the bedroom but still opens the door and finds Jimin in there cross legged on the bed.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m just gonna get some clothes and change in the bathroom.” JK explains pointing at his damped shirt.
“No please, I should be the one apologizing, this is your room.” Jimin fidgets with his phone in his hand but doesn’t stand up. “I just hung up". He stares blankly at his phone, lost in thought but at least he seems more relaxed, even sober. “I’m sorry, It’s just that—it’s purely out of habit. I didn’t want to invade.”
JK doesn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable because he himself is not, so he walks past him and goes straight to the closet, “That’s okay. Tae mentioned this used to be your room”. He says in an attempt to lighten the mood. He grabs another black shirt from a drawer and some joggers too. He’s inside the walking closet, however they can see each other perfectly and he hesitates changing his clothes in front of lavender boy.
‘Ah, fuck it.’
He throws his wet clothes on the floor, puts on the clean ones and when he goes to turn off the closet’s light he sees Jimin still cross legged, arms stretched on each side supporting his torso with hands splayed on the bed, sunglasses still on, head tilted to one side. There’s no expression whatsoever that can get Jimin away but the fact that he's still here in JK’s room has to mean something.
‘What does it mean, Jimin?’
“Can I ask you a question?” Jimin's enigmatic voice resonates pleasantly in JK's ears. The dancer waits for the guitarist to nod, “What’s your name, JK”? The tone of his voice is serious, cautious, as if sensing there’s a real meaning behind. And there is. But how can he tell a perfect stranger that it was his mother who named him, the very woman that left him broken at sixteen years old when she discovered that his only son’s sexuality didn’t meet her values and expectations? She left him permanently and JK swore he’d never say her name nor his ever again.
“It’s just JK.” He breaks eye contact, tugs at his earlobe, finds it hard what to do or say next.
“So, you like running?” Jimin changes subjects quickly. The question is more than relieving, JK supposes his worn out joggers saved him from carrying on with another unpleasant subject.
“I do. You?”
“Same.” It’s that coy smile again that made JK sweat at Underdog. And on top of that Jimin moistens his lips with his tongue.
JK slides his hands in his sweats’ pockets and leans his back against the wall. Silence resumes. Both seem to give a fuck about social boundaries because they can’t look anywhere but each other. It doesn’t matter that the dancer doesn’t want to take those stupid black sunglasses off, his eyes are on JK you can bet that. Moreover, he’s sure that Jimin's attention has been on him since he entered the room soaking wet. Too soon to explain, yet it’s a feeling of certainty. And that should be enough for tonight.
“Should we go back with the others?” It’s JK who finally surrenders.
Jimin smiles again. He gets on his feet and gestures to JK to take his hand. He does. He holds it firmly until they find their friends downstairs outside Halmi's house, singing, dancing and having a great night.
For the first time darkness is just the night, nothing else.
Day one of meeting Park Jimin and it’s already fucking wild.
Take my hand
Let's see where we wake up tomorrow