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It’s just past 9:30pm on Christmas Eve, and Koushuu is sitting in the half-dark of Sawamura’s room with his head on Sawamura’s shoulder, watching a movie and trying not to fall asleep.
It’s ridiculous to be tired at a time like this, he scolds himself. It’s the first time he’s seen Sawamura in months, and it hasn’t even been twelve hours since Sawamura met him at the train station. He’s been looking forward to this day for so long. He shouldn’t let himself miss any of it.
But the muscle stretching down from Sawamura’s neck is nicely cushioning his ear, and Sawamura’s arm is warm around his waist, and… maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing to take a quick nap while the movie plays. It’s still early, and they spent the day touring what Sawamura assured him were Nagoya’s most romantic destinations: a Christmas market, a skating rink, a cozy café. They’re only getting to be alone together now, and Koushuu assumes there are still plans for the evening ahead.
He shifts on the bed and opens his eyes fully at that thought. He doesn’t have to assume, really. They’ve talked about it enough. The last time they had some privacy on the phone, Sawamura shared details of his plans as Koushuu grew more and more breathless, imagining Sawamura’s hands on him instead of his own.
That part of their long-distance relationship, which seemed impossibly awkward the first time they tried it, is something he’s gotten used to. Now it’s being together again for real that feels like something strange and new. He knows Sawamura feels the same way; it’s the reason they only stopped by Sawamura’s room to drop off his overnight bag, this morning, and why they’re watching this romantic comedy now.
“Is it okay if we just hang out for a little while?” Sawamura asked, when they first got back to his room this evening. He was standing in the doorway in his unzipped hoodie, still wearing the wool gloves Koushuu brought him as a Christmas gift. “I’ve really, really missed you,” he added quickly, and stepped in close enough for Koushuu to feel his warm breath. “It’s just—a lot, you know?”
“Yeah,” Koushuu said, and let out a breath as he nodded. He didn’t know how to explain it, but it was a lot. He was glad Sawamura felt the same way. “That sounds good.”
They ended up sitting side by side on Sawamura’s bed with a laptop between them to watch the movie because there weren’t any better options—Sawamura’s room is simple, a sparse baseball dorm with a minimum of furniture. Apart from the fact that he doesn’t have roommates, it’s not really that different from Koushuu’s room at Seido.
Right, he thinks, his chest tightening. Apart from that. A small point of distinction that makes a world of difference when Koushuu is on the phone in his room, timing conversations around his roommates’ absence, or talking quietly, his head under a pillow so he won’t be heard. If he had a room like this, as plain as it is… He shivers and leans a little further into Sawamura’s side. Well, he will soon. He’s already moved into his 3rd year dorm, and he’ll be taking college entrance exams next month. He won’t be with Sawamura, probably not until he’s done with school at least, but it’ll be a little easier.
“Hey,” comes Sawamura’s voice, from above his head. “Are you sure you don’t wanna watch a different movie? I don’t mind, I’ve seen this a bunch of times.”
Koushuu blinks his eyes open and only then realizes they must have fallen closed. He inhales a deep breath of Sawamura’s deodorant, some teenage-boy scent that Sawamura’s used since high school, and shakes his head. “This is fine,” he says. “I was just resting my eyes.”
Sawamura laughs, a low rumble under his ear. “Well, I can change it to the dub, at least.”
“…Oh,” Koushuu says, and blinks at the screen. Right, it’s—an English movie; until he closed his eyes he was reading the subtitles. It occurs to him now that he has no idea what the movie is about. “Yeah,” he says, and nods. “Sure.”
Sawamura doesn’t move to change it, though, and the meaningless voices flow on. “Or,” Sawamura says, softly, “we could pause it and do something else.”
A sudden shiver radiates from the back of Koushuu’s neck down to his feet. “Oh,” he says. “Okay.”
“Yeah?”
There’s a chance Sawamura is talking about playing a video game or something; maybe Koushuu is reading too much into the tone of his voice. He lifts his head so he can see Sawamura’s face, and his breath stops in his throat. No, he’s not reading too much into anything. Sawamura’s eyes are focused on him, dark. The tip of his tongue appears for an instant to wet his lips, maybe unconsciously, and Koushuu’s head goes fuzzy.
“Yeah,” he says, and leans in just as Sawamura does, colliding with him in a clumsy kiss.
“Oh,” Sawamura breathes, “yeah,” and then kisses him again, more deeply, one hand coming up to his cheek as the other slides from his waist to his back.
Koushuu moans before he can stop himself, and Sawamura makes a soft noise and presses his fingertips into the back of Koushuu’s head as their mouths give way to each other.
It’s a little while before Koushuu manages to draw a breath, and when he does the room seems to spin around him. He blinks and tightens his hands around Sawamura’s shoulders.
“Okay?” Sawamura asks, touching his thumb to Koushuu’s cheek.
Koushuu nods quickly and looks away, embarrassed by his dizzy spell. “Fine.” Then his eyes cut back to Sawamura. “Are you?”
Sawamura nods. “Uh-huh.” Then he smiles, his eyes flicking down to Koushuu’s mouth. “Um,” he says. “I kinda want to kiss you more.”
“Oh,” Koushuu says, his heart leaping. “Good.” The movie is still playing, he realizes belatedly; he reaches for the laptop and pushes it shut, and Sawamura grabs it and sprawls halfway off his bed to stow it away. When he comes back up, Koushuu tugs him forward by his sleeves, and they end up tangled together, laying the wrong way on Sawamura’s bed, months of pent-up desire escaping as they kiss hungrily.
“Koushuu,” Sawamura says, his voice faltering, as Koushuu runs his hands up under Sawamura’s t-shirt and down his stomach.
“I brought condoms,” Koushuu says, unable to find a way to say it less bluntly.
“Oh,” Sawamura says, and blinks. Then he smiles, and some of the tension building in Koushuu’s chest diffuses. “I got some, too.” His smile turns sheepish. “I mean, I still have the rest, from—before,” he says. “But I figured, you know, just in case?”
Before was before Sawamura graduated, before he moved out here. The only time they’ve seen each other since then, over the summer at Meiji Jingu, they barely got a few minutes alone. It was their last week in the dorms together when they went to the convenience store and bought a 10-pack of condoms, of which Koushuu is pretty sure they used only three. Without warning, a laugh ripples up from his stomach and out his throat.
“We have way too many.”
“Yeah,” Sawamura says, and grins. “Probably.”
Koushuu presses his lips together, his hands fidgeting on the waistband of Sawamura’s pants. “Do you still have the lube, too?” he finally asks. His bag is across the room, and he doesn’t feel like moving.
Sawamura nods and half-disappears under his bed again, and Koushuu peels off some layers of clothing while he retrieves it.
A few minutes later, they’re kissing again, but this time Koushuu is lying with one knee pulled to his chest, trying very hard not to cry out at the overwhelming sensation of Sawamura slicking him up with a lubed finger as they kiss. “Oh,” he moans, when Sawamura slides another finger in, and Sawamura lifts his head.
“I wanna try—” he says, and Koushuu can only nod once before Sawamura is dipping his head down, biting at Koushuu’s collarbone and licking his abs once before taking his cock into the soft heat of his mouth.
Koushuu gasps and goes rigid, knocked breathless with pleasure, unable even to make a sound. They’ve talked about this, he’s imagined it countless times, but his imagination isn’t this good—he’s shaking, already slipping off the edge of control. He draws in a deep breath as Sawamura pulls up, thinking for a second that he might be able to last, and then Sawamura curls his fingers and takes him back in, and he comes hard, without warning, a broken sound leaving his throat as his body spasms relentlessly.
“Oh, my god,” he’s distantly aware of Sawamura saying. “Oh—Koushuu, fuck—”
He whimpers, and then Sawamura is hovering over him, his face caught in a mix of awe and alarm.
“I,” Koushuu manages, as his breath comes back to him. “I—oh.” He closes his eyes and breathes in again. “Sorry. Shit.”
Sawamura shakes his head violently. “God, no, that was…” He breaks off, half-grinning. “Awesome, and my fault, and—are you okay?”
Koushuu nods weakly. “Mhm.”
“Okay,” Sawamura says, the grin on his face winning out. “Good, because—” He leans down to kiss the inside of Koushuu’s bent knee. “I really, really, really don’t want to forget that.”
Koushuu nods, then puts a hand on his forehead, trying to get his bearings. “Wait,” he says, as Sawamura sits up and sets the lube aside. “Aren’t we going to—do more?”
“Maybe in a little while, huh?” Sawamura says, and lies down next to him.
Koushuu hesitates, then nods and tugs him close by his t-shirt, and Sawamura wraps an arm around his back.
A few minutes later, when Koushuu’s pulse has finally slowed, Sawamura lifts his head. “Oh, hey,” he says. “That reminds me, I still need to give you your Christmas present.”
Koushuu pulls back to look at him. “That reminds you?”
“Well—yeah,” Sawamura says, and gives him a small grin. “Hold on, I’ll show you.”
Koushuu makes a soft noise of protest as Sawamura extricates himself, but it’s too late; Sawamura is hopping off the bed and bending to open the bottom drawer of his desk. Koushuu sits up and pulls his knees to his chest, looping his arms around them for warmth.
“Okay,” Sawamura says, coming back to the bed with a small wrapped box in his hand. “This is for you.”
Koushuu reaches out and takes it, his legs extending as he turns it over in his hands.
“I didn’t want to give it to you when we were out in public,” Sawamura explains, “because, well, it’s kind of…”
Koushuu frowns sharply. “Senpai, did you get me a sex toy?”
“What?” Sawamura yelps. “No!” His face starts to turn red, and Koushuu can feel his own heating to match. “Where would I—I mean, what would that even…” His mouth seems to run out of words, and he opens and closes it once more before falling silent, his eyes wide.
“Never mind,” Koushuu says quickly, and looks back at the box. It’s—a little small for that, anyhow; he doesn’t know what he was thinking. He tears the wrapping open before Sawamura can say anything else, and then he stares down at it. It’s a small set of wireless earbuds, bright blue, connected by a wire to loop around his neck.
“You can use them for calls,” Sawamura explains. “I know you didn’t have any headphones with a microphone, so I thought this might… make things easier.”
“Oh,” Koushuu says again, and feels himself start to smile. “Yeah, it will.” He looks up and feels his chest swell at the sight of Sawamura’s still-flushed face. “Thank you.”
“Uh-huh,” Sawamura says, and nods. “I mean, you can use them for music and stuff, too! It’s not—I mean, they’re not just for… you know.”
“Talking,” Koushuu says, quietly, and runs his hand over the box.
Sawamura nods again. “Yeah.”
That may be true, but Koushuu is sure he’ll get plenty of use out of them that way—letting Sawamura’s voice wash over him in stereo, both of his hands free to use as he wants.
“Anyhow,” Sawamura says, “I just wanted to be able to explain.”
Koushuu doesn’t think the explanation sounded nearly as scandalous as Sawamura might have thought, but it’s true that he’s feeling a little affected by the idea. It’s probably for the best that he didn’t have to carry these around all day.
“Thanks,” he says again. “They’re really nice.” I can’t wait to use them, he almost says, except—he doesn’t have to, now. Sawamura is still here; he doesn’t have to pretend. The thought is enough to dispel the last of the heaviness from his limbs. “Okay,” he says, and puts a hand on Sawamura’s knee. “I’m good now. Where are the condoms?”
It takes a few minutes of Sawamura fussing over him before Sawamura’s convinced that he’s fully recovered, and another few minutes of fumbling before they get the logistics figured out. Maybe it’s because he’s already relaxed from earlier, or maybe they’re just better-prepared, but when they do figure it out, it’s easier than the last time, less awkward. There’s a single moment of shocking tension as Sawamura pushes into him, holding his breath, but by the time it passes, Koushuu’s body is already radiating with pleasure. He makes a small noise of encouragement, and Sawamura moans and rocks into him, and it feels like the most natural thing in the world; like it’s what he’s needed to ease his longing ever since Sawamura left.
“Koushuu,” Sawamura sighs, as he starts to move, “Koushuu—ohh.”
Koushuu nods and buries his face in Sawamura’s neck, clinging to him with both arms and legs and letting him set the pace.
When they played together, he thinks, they were a good team; he knew how to manage Sawamura and protect his emotions, and they balanced each other out well. But the truth is that his favorite times were when Sawamura’s heart couldn’t be contained, when Koushuu gave up on strategy and read Sawamura instead, following him to a place of joy he never imagined he’d reach. He knows he hasn’t lost that, even if they never play together again, even if it’s years until they can live together; Sawamura is still here with him, showing him to that place.
That’s the last thing he thinks before he stops thinking, experiencing nothing but the brightness of Sawamura filling all of his senses, filling him, deep and sweet and unbearable—
He comes in waves the second time, holding onto Sawamura for his life as sensation consumes him. Somewhere in the midst of it, he hears Sawamura gasp a curse, and then Sawamura is clutching him, too, groaning as his movements go erratic. When he finally comes to a stop, Koushuu lays his hands over his eyes and laughs, a release of something indescribable in his chest.
“We should do that again,” he says, moving one hand to peek up at Sawamura. “Before I have to leave.”
“Uh-huh,” Sawamura agrees, breathlessly. Then he laughs too, lowers his weight onto Koushuu, and slides free of him as he rolls them over.
Koushuu moans and shifts to get more comfortable, and they end up spooning, one of Sawamura’s legs between his thighs.
“I’m gonna miss you so much, Koushuu,” Sawamura whispers, into the crook of his neck. “I miss you all the time.”
Koushuu swallows and nods. “Yeah,” he says. “Me too.”
“But,” Sawamura says, and tightens his hold, “I don’t mind, you know? Even if it’s like this for a long time, I don’t mind.”
This was the other thing Koushuu loved about playing with Sawamura; how, when it mattered, it always felt like they were in sync. “I don’t, either,” he says back, and means it.
“Anyhow,” Sawamura says, starting to play with his hair, “I’ll definitely come see you at your graduation. And then—well, the season will be starting, but if you have time you can come visit during your break.”
Koushuu nods. “Summer break, too.”
“Uh-huh,” Sawamura says. “And once you move out of the dorms I’m gonna call you every night.”
“Okay.”
“And we can do this whenever we want,” Sawamura says, and squeezes him firmly. “I mean, by phone at least.”
“Yeah.” Koushuu closes his eyes and tries to memorize the feeling of Sawamura holding him, so he can imagine it better when he’s back in his own bed. It’s the knobby points of Sawamura’s collarbone and elbow pressing into him that he’s never gotten right, he decides. Next time he'll make sure to include them.
“…Hey, Koushuu,” Sawamura says, after a short stretch of silence. “If I did buy you a—toy like that, do you think you’d like it?”
Koushuu blinks his eyes open. “Um,” he says. “Like what?”
“I dunno.” Sawamura presses his mouth to the collar of Koushuu’s t-shirt. “Like, something to help make you feel good.”
A tingling wave of heat rises under Koushuu’s skin at the thought of what that might mean. He’s never considered it before, but he doesn’t hate the idea. Then he frowns as a practical consideration occurs to him. “I definitely wouldn’t keep something like that in my dorm room.”
“Oh,” Sawamura says, and laughs softly. “Yeah, I guess not.” Koushuu is debating whether or not to confess any interest beyond that when Sawamura says, “Maybe a graduation present, then.”
After a second, Koushuu nods and pulls Sawamura’s arm tighter around him. “Maybe.”
They have one more night together, after this, but he’s still reluctant to let himself miss any of this one. Even after he closes his eyes, he tries to stay awake as Sawamura crawls away and comes back with a blanket and a pillow to tuck them in.
Despite his best efforts, he’s almost asleep when Sawamura takes his hand and echoes the same words he said the first night they ever spent together, when Koushuu knew this was it for him. “Hey,” he whispers, “I’m still never gonna let go of you, okay?”
And even from the depths of his half-slumber, Koushuu is able to squeeze his hand back and murmur back: “Good.”