Archive of Our Own

It takes Dany a moment to remember where she is when she wakes up, the unfamiliar room shrouded in darkness causing a momentary panic. But then it all comes back, and her head falls back onto the pillows again. 

Right. Jon’s guestroom. Christmas. 

It’s still so strange to think that. If you’d asked her to guess where she would be spending the night before Christmas six months ago, “my ex boyfriend slash secret father of my child’s house” probably wouldn’t have even made the list. 

A cursory glance at the clock lets Dany know Ella is probably about to wake up and drag them all out of bed any moment. She really hopes she’ll go tackle Jon first before trying to rouse her— she can still picture the look on his face when Ella hadn’t wanted to spend Christmas morning with just him. Dany knows it’s her own fault, but her heart still breaks, thinking of the hurt so visible in his eyes. 

Every day there’s something else to haunt her, remind her just how colossally she fucked everything up. 

You’re trying to fix it, she tells herself, eyes squeezing shut. That’s all you can do right now. 

That’s what she’s hoping she did with the custody papers last night.  It’s something she probably should have done months ago— as soon as Jon had shown up on her doorstep that first day. Or six years ago, when she should have told him in the first place. You tried to, her mind insists, but it’s no use. She may have tried, but she should have tried harder. She should have ignored Jon’s declaration that he never wanted to hear from her again. She should have called Sansa sooner, should have figured out he was spiralling long before she finally heard the truth. Should have handled leaving better. Should have come back much sooner. Should have, should have, should have. 

“This one right here,” she hears in the hallway, Jon’s hushed voice sending a jolt through her. Quickly, she closes her eyes again, pretending to be asleep before Ella can throw open the door unceremoniously and pounce on her. 

The door opens, light from the hallway flooding in. “Mumma!” she hears Ella say, slowly opening her eyes as her daughter jumps on the bed. Dany catches the briefest glance of Jon silhouetted against the doorway before he’s gone. 

“It’s Christmas!” Ella whisper-shrieks, shaking her shoulders. “Wake up, wake up!” 

“Mm, is it?” Dany says. She grins at her daughter’s expression as she fully sits up. “Oh, that’s right. Of course it is.” Ella beams as Dany grabs her, pulling her little girl into her chest. “Merry Christmas, sweetheart.” 

“Do you think Santa came?” Ella asks, that wide-eyed wonder back as she wiggles out of Dany’s arms. 

“Well, there’s only one way to find out, hm?” she answers. “Let’s get Gran up and go check.” 

Ella is out the door before Dany can even fully get out of bed. She rubs sleep out of her eyes as she follows Ella into her mum’s room, laughing at the way her daughter shakes Rhaella up. 

“Alright, alright, I’m up,” Rhaella laughs. “Should we go see what Santa brought us?” 

“Is that even a question?” Dany says with a yawn, pulling the blanket she’d taken with her from the guest room tighter around her shoulders. Ella giggles, clambering off of Rhaella’s bed and back to Dany’s side. 

“Can we go downstairs now?” she asks, tugging on Dany’s blanket. 

“Hey, careful,” Dany says, taking her hand instead. “And yes, I think it’s about time for presents. Where’s your dad?” 

“Right here,” she hears Jon say, turning to see him emerging from his mum’s room, Lyanna behind him. Her throat goes dry for a moment, taking him in in the pre-dawn glow. He’s wearing a dark henley and sweatpants slung low on his hips, his curls rumpled and eyes still sleepy. Gods above, the shirt isn’t skin tight by any means, but she can see how it clings to his shoulder muscles, his biceps, making her heart pound. And those sweatpants do nothing to disguise his perfect arse.

She remembers waking up next to him when he looked like that, running her fingers along his jaw and through his hair, burrowing into his chest and relaxing in his arms. Seven hells, does she miss that. It’s like a physical weight on her chest all the time, and she can’t help but want those days back now. 

Stop it, she snaps at herself. You’re not allowed to want that anymore. 

“Time for presents, Ella?” Jon asks, Ella practically vibrating with excitement. “Lead the way.” 

Ella is beside herself when they all enter the living room and see the presents piled underneath the tree. Dany practically has to physically restrain her from tearing through them all while Jon and Lyanna brew coffee and tea for everyone. “They’re not going anywhere, sweetheart,” Dany promises Ella as Lyanna reenters the room and hands her a mug of coffee. “Okay? Just another minute.” 

“This is the longest minute ever,” Ella complains, and it takes an admirable amount of effort not to laugh at her daughter’s impatience. 

Jon reenters the living room then, a steaming mug of coffee in his hands and Ghost on his heels. “Alright,” he says, a smile pulling at his lips. “Is it time to open presents now?”

“Finally!” Ella says, lunging for the tree. 

“Hey, slow down, love,” Dany says. “How about I hand them out, alright? Then none of them get lost.” 

While the bulk of the presents are for Ella, there’s a fair amount of gifts for everyone else as well, so Dany sees to making sure that everyone always has a present for them in hand. Ella moves through hers about two times the speed of everyone else, but makes up for it by having more than anyone under the tree. “She’s my first grandchild,” Lyanna says with an apologetic shrug when Dany unearths another gift box for Ella from her. “I may have been a tad excessive.” 

“I think Ella probably disagrees with that,” Jon says, smiling at his mum as he ruffles Ghost’s ears. His dog had been given some fancy bone by Lyanna, and his attention had been undivided since. 

“Well, here’s one for you,” Dany says to Lyanna, handing over her own present. She’d gone out and gotten her something a little last minute, once she’d realized they’d all be spending Christmas morning together, but had still managed to find something nice.

“Oh, Dany, this is beautiful,” Lyanna says, pulling the soft, thick wool sweater from the box. “Thank you so much.” 

“I figured it would keep you warm once you head back up north,” Dany says. “I’m glad you like it.” 

“Mumma, look!” Ella exclaims, pulling a fancy party dress for her new doll out of a box. Dany smiles, overcome with fondness at the sparkling joy in her daughter’s grey eyes. 

“It’s gorgeous, Ella,” Dany tells her. “What do you say to Gran?” 

“Thank you,” Ella says, standing and clambering over the mountains of wrapping paper to give Rhaella a hug. She smiles back, a hand smoothing over Ella’s messy curls. 

“Of course, love.” 

Ella gets another present, then Jon, then Lyanna, before Dany finally has a moment to dig out another one for herself. There’s a small box wrapped in snowflake paper almost in the back, a silver bow crookedly tied on top. She looks at the tag, heart stopping when she reads the name. 

From Jon, the tag says. She hadn’t expected him to get her anything, her heart suddenly pounding at the thought of him picking out a present for her. Yes, she’d given him the custody papers, but like she’d said— that wasn’t really a gift moreso than something long overdue. He’s talking to his mother, so he doesn’t even notice her untying the bow and peeling off the paper until she’s sitting there with a jewelry box in her hands. 

Dany thinks her heart is racing a mile a minute, but she can feel Jon’s eyes on her now as she flips the lid open. Her breath catches at the sight of what’s inside, nestled in the navy velvet.

It’s a necklace, thin and gold with a dragon pendant hanging off it, its wings spread wide in flight. It looks just like the center one in the trio she has tattooed right at the base of her ribs, modeled after her dragons on her show. 

“Oh my gods, Jon,” she says. Her voice sounds strangled, hoarse with emotion. “This is beautiful.” She runs a thumb over the smooth gold, still marveling at its delicate beauty. 

She looks up at him, and her breath catches when she meets his eyes, heart still like a jackhammer in her chest. He looks nervous, almost, like he’d been worried about her reaction. But his eyes are so soft, expression so open, and fucking hells it makes her heart hurt, longing for what they’d had before. He’s been so friendly with her these past weeks, and Dany loves that they’re almost friends now, can laugh and joke without screaming at each other, but this— this feels like more. 

He shrugs. “It’s nothing,” he tells her. “It just made me think of you.” 

It’s not nothing, her heart insists. Could this mean— could there be a chance they could fix things? 

But all she can hear are Jon’s words from that night. You broke me. You broke us. Most of the experience of giving birth to Ella is a drug-laced haze by now, but that conversation she’d had hours after their daughter was born is burned into her brain forever. 

She had broken them. And then she’d made it worse, by never calling again, never trying to tell him about Ella till six years too late. When she’d called Sansa months later, found out Jon had fallen off the deep end into depression and addiction— gods, if he had known about their daughter, would that have pulled him back into the light? Given him something to live for, even if it wasn’t her? Would things never have gotten so bad for him if she’s just been braver? 

That’s why you don’t deserve to fix things now, her mind snaps. Because you had a chance to save him, to make things right, and you didn’t. 

Dany knows it’s true. That’s why hoping for anything between her and Jon ever again is futile, even if it’s what her heart desperately wants. She’s never stopped loving him, not for a single day since she’d left. She doubts that will ever change, as long as she lives. 

“I told Daddy how much you love dragons,” Ella says, and Dany laughs, grateful for the distraction. “And how you think they’re not so scary at all. Just like the ones in my books!” 

Dany grins, smoothing Ella’s messy curls back. “Exactly like the ones in your book,” she says. “They’re not scary, really. Very powerful, but just misunderstood.” 

Ella continues on about her storybooks, but Dany can’t look away from the necklace still in her hands. She should probably be passing out more presents, or actually listening to her daughter, but she still can’t quite get over the fact that Jon picked out such a beautiful, deeply personal present for her. He hasn’t even seen her show, she’s fairly sure, though everyone in the world knows what it’s about, for the most part. Still, it’s doing funny things to her heart, even if she knows she shouldn’t read into it so much. 

She remembers when she’d first gotten the role, she’d been so nervous to tell Jon. The band was months out from going on another world tour, pulled in a thousand directions by Disney and stretched so thin they were almost at their breaking points. And then the news that she would be in Essos probably half the year at least for the foreseeable future— she knew Jon wouldn’t really say anything, but she’d be able to tell he was less than happy about it. Their time together was already so short as it was.

She’d finally plucked up the courage and told him, and later that afternoon he’d shown up at her apartment with a little plush dragon and the softest look in his eyes as he’d told her how proud he was of her. It had been like a weight lifted off her chest, and she’d allowed herself to truly be excited about it. 

“It’ll be hard, of course,” Jon had said. “But we’ll make it work. Of course we will. You’re going to be bloody brilliant, Dany.” 

She still has that little dragon he’d given her, tucked away somewhere in her things. 

“I think that’s it for presents, Ella,” Jon says, Dany snapping out of her reverie. Jon has a little smirk on his face as he looks at their daughter, who is clearly trying not to act disappointed. “Oh, wait, actually… I think there is one more.” 

Ella’s face lights up, Dany fighting back a laugh as Jon stands, leading Ella over to the haphazardly wrapped piano. Wrapped is a generous word— it’s covered with a sheet, a big bow placed on top, though Dany’s not really sure how else one would wrap a fucking piano. She had told Jon he was probably spoiling her a little too much when he’d told her he wanted to get Ella a piano too, but honestly, she’s just grateful he hadn’t gotten her a kitten. As much as she does love cats, she thinks Ella still probably needs a year or two before she’s ready for the responsibility of a pet like that. 

“Want me to help?” Jon says, and Ella nods vigorously. Both of them take handfuls of the sheet, pulling it off to reveal the shiny wood. 

Ella gasps as the sheet falls away, Jon wrapping it up in his arms and dropping it to the side. “This is for me?” she asks with wide eyes. Jon nods at her, and the look on his face, the fondness in his eyes— it makes Dany’s heart stutter again. 

“Aye,” Jon tells her. No sooner has he said the word than Ella’s pulling out the bench, climbing up on it. 

“I think it’ll be easier for you to practice on a piano your size,” Jon tells her. Their daughter flips up the keylid, fingers stroking over the keys in a way that is so like Jon that Dany’s breath catches for a moment. 

Jon takes a seat next to her, though he’s facing the opposite way, his back to the piano, legs stretched out in front of him on the smaller bench. “You remember what we practiced last time?” Jon asks her, twisting his torso around so he can see her playing. Dany looks down, busying herself with cleaning up the mess of wrapping paper Ella had created so she doesn’t get distracted by the way Jon’s shirt clings to his torso. 

“Jon, I’m going to start getting breakfast ready,” Lyanna says, Jon nodding as she and Rhaella retreat to the kitchen. Ella begins to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star as Jon gently helps, pointing out keys and fixing her hands when she gets a little lost. Dany pauses from cleaning up, just watching the two of them together. It’s a little freaky how good Ella is, considering Jon’s just been giving her intermittent lessons for the past few months. Though she remembers Lyanna saying something about Jon picking up piano scarily fast when he was little years ago, before she’d left. 

Dany finishes picking up the rest of the paper just as Ella finishes her song, looking up at Jon for his approval before twisting to see Dany as well. “You’re a natural, Ella,” she tells her, and Ella’s smile is so wide it’s almost blinding. Jon grins at her too, the pride in his eyes so clear as he ruffles their daughter’s hair. It makes Dany’s heart squeeze again, Ella giggling as she leans into him. Everything that’s happened since she’s come back— gods above, it’s all worth it for the look on their faces, the special bond that they have. 

“Daddy, can you teach me your song?” Ella asks, turning back to Jon. His brow furrows, face drawn up in confusion.

“Which one is that?” he asks her. Dany has to bite back a laugh at the look on Ella’s face that says he should clearly know that. 

“The one you sing me as a lullaby,” she says, arms crossed. Dany freezes, looking up at them with intrigue. She didn’t realize Jon had a special lullaby he sang for Ella. Curiosity fills her, though she tries to keep her expression nonchalant.

“Er, that one’s more for the guitar, sweetheart,” he tells her. Dany glances at him, even more curious now. The look on Jon’s face shows he desperately wants to redirect the conversation, as his eyes dart up to find her ever so briefly. Suddenly Dany feels like an intruder on this moment, ruining something special just between him and Ella. 

“How about I teach you another one of my songs?” Jon asks, and that seems to be enough for Ella. He turns back around to face the piano properly and begins to play something Dany’s never heard before— it must be new, she figures. It sounds too hard for Ella to her, but Jon shows their daughter some of the bits of melody, playing the trickier parts himself. 

“That was amazing, love,” Jon says when they’ve finished, Ella beaming up at him. Jon leans over to kiss the top of her head, smoothing down her still sleep-rumpled curls, and Dany can’t help but smile softly at the two of them, the way Ella giggles as she leans into Jon’s side. 

Gods, he really is the best dad to her. When they’d been together she and Jon had never really discussed kids, since they’d been so young, but she always knew he had that underlying pain of never knowing his own father, who’d left him before he’d even been born. She knew he wanted to be nothing like him. It shouldn’t surprise her that he could never be anything like that— beneath that broody exterior, his heart is  too big, too good, to ever be like his father in any capacity. 

“Breakfast is ready!” Lyanna calls, and Ella shoots off the piano bench and into the kitchen faster than a rocket. 

“Well, I think she likes it,” Dany says to Jon as he stands from the bench at a much more reasonable pace. He smiles a bit, flipping the keylid back down. 

“Thank you for letting me get it for her,” Jon says. “For letting me share that bit of my life with her.” 

She shakes her head like it’s nothing— and Jon doesn’t need her permission to get things for Ella; she’d said as much when he first asked. She still has her reservations about the band getting back together, but so far she’s seen Jon still put Ella first, and that’s what matters most to her. That he really is trying. 

“She’s really good at it,” Dany says as they walk towards the kitchen, and Jon’s lips tug up in a little half smile, his eyes so full of pride that her heart feels like it might burst again. 

“She’s a natural,” Jon says. “Before we know it she’ll be playing Beethoven spot on.” 

Dany laughs as they enter the kitchen, the smell from the table almost enough to make her moan. She takes a seat in one of the empty chairs, mouth watering just at the sight of everything. Gods, how she’s missed Lyanna’s cooking. 

Breakfast is delicious, even if Ella consumes enough sugar that Dany knows she’ll crash at some point while they’re at Robb and Margaery’s. It takes a decent amount of energy to pull her daughter away from the table and the extra sticky buns. 

“They’re not going anywhere,” Dany assures Ella, shepherding her down the hall towards the guest bath so she can help her get cleaned up. “When you spend the night at Dad’s in a few days, I bet you can have some for breakfast. But only if you brush your teeth, you know.” 

That’s all it takes for Ella to seize her toothbrush and squeeze toothpaste onto the bristles before shoving it in her mouth. Dany tries not to laugh as she fills up the other sink to wash her own face. 

Ella’s so hyped up on sugar that getting her dressed is a feat, but Dany manages, buttoning up the back of her dress even despite Ella’s constant wiggling. “Mumma, can you braid my hair like yours?” she asks after she’s dressed, and Dany has to smile. 

“Of course,” she tells her. “But you’ll have to actually sit still, you know.” 

Dany does a simplified version of her own intertwining braids on Ella— her hair is a bit thinner, and her curls are tighter, more like Jon’s, which makes it harder to braid. Ella tries valiantly to hold still until they’re done, but by the time Dany ties her Christmas bow into her hair, she’s practically bouncing in her seat again. “Alright,” Dany says, releasing her daughter. “There you go, sweet.” Ella leans forward so she can see in the mirror, her little smile brighter than the sun. 

“It looks so pretty,” she says dreamily. “Like a princess. Thank you, Mumma!” 

Dany smiles, catching Ella just as she jumps into her arms. “You’re welcome,” she tells her, dropping a kiss on her braided crown. “Merry Christmas, lovebug.” 

Ella giggles at the special nickname Dany uses for her, and Dany squeezes her daughter tighter. She’s been careful not to say it around Jon, just because she’s not sure exactly how he’ll react to it. It’s one thing for the band to be making new music, but she’s not so sure what they’re planning to do about all their old music. All the old songs Jon had written about her. 

“Do you think there will be more presents at Uncle Robb’s and Auntie Margaery’s?” Ella says, trying to squirm out of Dany’s arms. Dany laughs, tugging her back in for one last hug, making Ella shriek with glee as Dany kisses her cheek. 

“You really have a one track mind today, don’t you?” she says. “I think if you were good, there might be. Why don’t you go say bye to Gran while I get dressed, and then we can go and see, alright?” 

“Okay!” Ella says, already racing down the hall. 

Dany manages her own hair and makeup in a remarkably short amount of time, her mother appearing in the doorway just as she’s pulling on her shoes. “Are you leaving?” she asks, Rhaella responding with a nod. 

“Traffic doesn’t look too horrible,” her mother says. “I should get to the ferry with time to spare.” 

“That’s good,” Dany says, moving forward to hug her mum goodbye. “Tell everyone I say hi, alright?” 

Rhaella nods, worrying her lip. “You sure you’ll be alright here, sweetheart?” she asks. “You can still come with me up to Rhaegar’s, if you want. I know he’d like to see you.”  

Dany tries not to make a face at the thought of spending the day on Dragonstone with the lot of them. “Maybe he would, but I’m sure Viserys wouldn’t,” she says bitterly. “It’s fine, Mum. We’re fine here,” Dany continues before her mother can reply. “Besides. I know how much it means to Jon to have Ella there with the rest of his family.” She frowns. “I don’t think he usually sees his cousins on Christmas.” 

“Alright,” Rhaella says. Her eyes dart to the dresser, where the jewelry box with Jon’s present is still sitting. She’d almost put it on, but… something had pulled her back. It had seemed too forward, almost. Too much like wishful thinking. 

“That was nice of him, to get you that,” Rhaella says, nodding towards the jewelry box. Dany sighs, because she really does not want to get into it with her mother right now about Jon. She’s already nervous enough to spend a day in Robb’s house. 

“It was,” Dany says. “Did you get to see it? It’s beautiful.” 

Rhaella nods. “I did. It is. I just…” 

Dany rolls her eyes. “Mum, can we not do this on Christmas, please?” she asks. “I don’t want to have this fight again.” 

Rhaella’s eyes soften. “I don’t want to fight,” she says, stepping closer. “Sweet, you know I will be there for you, whatever you do. I just worry about you with him.” 

“I know,” Dany says tersely. “And I’ve told you, it doesn’t matter. Nothing’s ever happening between us again.” 

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” she says. “I’ve seen the way he still looks at you. And gifts like that…” Rhaella shrugs. 

“What are you trying to say, Mum?” Dany says. “Just out with it.” 

“I don’t think Jon really understands how much he hurt you back then,” Rhaella says, lips pursing. “And I know you still love him. I just don’t want you to think everything’s changed, and then find nothing has.” 

“I know,” Dany says, shoulders sagging a bit. She appreciates her mother looking out for her, but these fears are unwarranted. “You don’t have to worry, alright? I know we can’t do that again.” 

No matter how Jon looks at her, or what fancy presents he gives her, the truth remains— she left without warning, and then she kept Ella from him. Even if he’d forced her to make an impossible decision and broken his heart, she’d broken his worse. There’s no going back and fixing that, even if it’s all she wants. Those are simply the consequences of her own choices. 

“Alright,” Rhaella says, moving closer, taking Dany in her arms. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get all—”

“I know,” Dany tells her. She hugs her mum back tightly. “It’s alright. Have a safe drive, yeah? I’ll see you next week.” 

Rhaella says goodbye to everyone else as the rest of them prepare to leave for the Starks’, Jon trying to downselect new toys for Ella to bring while Dany searches for her coat. “Maybe let’s just bring one outfit for your new doll,” he says, trying to direct her towards the door. “That way nothing gets lost at your cousins’ house, okay?” 

“Ella, sweetheart, coat,” Dany says, finally finding it and handing it over to Jon. “Let Dad help you get it on, alright?” 

“Alright, I’ve got all the desserts. Presents are in the trunk,” Lyanna says, appearing with an enormous platter of cookies in her arms. “Are we ready to go?” 

“Almost,” Jon says as he finishes Ella’s buttons. “Ghost, to me.” His dog lopes over, nosing at Ella’s hand. 

“Okay. Desserts, presents, dog, Ella— you have your doll?” Ella nods at Jon. “Alright. I think we’re good.” 

“Time for more presents?” Ella asks, bouncing on the balls of her feet. Dany rolls her eyes, but she can’t help but laugh. 

“Yes, maybe. Let’s go and see, alright?” 

***

Robb and Margaery’s house is a cacophony of sound and people like Dany hasn’t experienced during the holidays in… well, in years. 

People are crowded into the living room in a way that is impressive, given its large size, the children tearing through presents and the dogs running through the mayhem. It reminds her almost of Christmases back at her brother’s, but this feels different. She’d always found herself on the outskirts of that, dodging Viserys’s snide comments about her nonexistent acting career and the judgy looks of her aunts and uncles who wanted to know what she was planning on doing for a real job, after she was done with Hollywood. This room is warmer, friendlier, filled with light— she watches Margaery hand Ella another present with an affectionate smile, and Jon and Theon laugh together on the sofa on the other side of the room. This feels like family, even if she’s not exactly a part of it. 

Margaery is running gift distribution like it’s what she was put on this planet to do, somehow still managing to take photos of everyone as she doles out gifts and clears up wrapping paper. Dany’s taken to packing up and organizing Ella’s presents as she opens them— Jon’s family really spoiled her this year, which does make her heart squeeze, even if she’s not sure where Ella is going to actually put all these new toys. 

“Let me see, love,” Dany says to Ella, taking the new outfit for her doll after she’s done running across the room to show Jon. Dany adds it to the neat stack next to them on the floor, which is growing taller by the minute. 

Dany feels something poking at her leg, almost jumping until she turns back around and sees Ghost in front of her on his belly, head practically in her lap and tail wagging back and forth across the floor. She has to smile— generally Ghost favors Ella to her, but she can’t refuse him when he looks at her with those puppy dog eyes. “Hey, sweet boy,” Dany murmurs, scratching behind his silky ears. His fur is so soft and fluffy, his eyes sliding shut in content as she pets him. He moves closer to her until he’s practically lying on her legs, and he’s probably covering her black jeans in white fur, but Dany can’t really bring herself to care. 

“You’re very good, aren’t you,” she whispers, stroking Ghost’s flank. His tail beats against the ground again, as if to say, yes, I certainly am. 

“I think that’s mostly it for actual gifts,” Margaery says, Dany turning to see her standing at the head of the room, television remote in her hand. “I just have one last present.”  

Dany watches as she pulls up YouTube on the  TV, her brow furrowing in confusion.  “I had to scour the depths of the internet to find this,” Margaery says. “But in honor of the Almost Brothers coming back together this year—” everyone cheers and whoops, Dany watching as Arya claps Jon on the back— “I thought a blast from the past would be fun.” 

“Margaery, what did you do—” Robb says, but it’s too late. His wife clicks play on something, and all of a sudden, he, Jon, and Theon are on the screen. 

Dany immediately recognizes Rockefeller Center, the huge Christmas tree standing proud behind the stage the three of them are on. They’re so young, all of them cleanshaven with their mops of curls and bright smiles as they dance back and forth on the stage. Dany recognizes Summertime Anthem, though she hasn’t heard it in years. 

“How did you find this?!” Theon says to Margaery, his grin so wide it’s blinding. “This was ten years ago, practically!” 

It was ten years ago, Dany remembers. She’d been in White Harbor already filming something, and Davos had pulled some strings to get the boys an entire weekend there so she could see Jon. Her heart thuds at the thought that she’s in that crowd somewhere, screaming along with the rest of the fans. 

“Oh, look at you three!” Lyanna says, hands coming to her face. “You’re so young! Gods, when was this?” 

“Right after A Little Bit Longer came out,” Robb says. He’s got a smile matching Jon and Theon’s on his face, filled with fond remembrance. “A whole lifetime ago.” 

Truly, it was— an entirely different time, it feels like. “Mumma,” Ella says, having put down her doll, scooting closer to Dany. “What is this?” 

Dany smiles a bit, tucking a curl behind Ella’s ear. “This is the band that your dad is in, back a very long time ago,” Dany tells her. “See? That’s Daddy, right there.” 

Ella’s jaw drops as she looks where Dany is pointing, before she whips around to stare at Jon instead. He looks like he’s fighting back a laugh, grinning at their daughter’s shock. 

It is fun to watch Robb and Theon and Jon watch themselves from so long ago— the three of them are laughing together like they’re lost in their own world, like they used to back when the band was still together. Just seeing the three of them huddled and talking to each other with shit eating grins on their face— that’s almost as much of a blast from the past as the video is. But Dany sees the way Jon’s eyes shine, the warmth of his smile as he jokes with his brothers, and even despite everything, it warms her heart that he still has that in his life. That her leaving didn’t completely ruin everything for him. 

The song ends to the raucous cheers of the crowd, and Dany watches as the three of them take their bows, grinning and waving back at the fans. And then Jon goes and grabs his guitar, the three of them starting Girl of my Dreams. Dany fights to keep her composure, schooling her face into casual indifference, but gods above— Jon had written this song about her. It’s almost impossible not to get lost in memories of the past when all she can see is the look on his face as he sings, knowing how much he’d loved her back then.

The camera pans, showing the audience, and Dany’s heart stops at the flash of blonde hair in the corner of the screen, her own smiling face, ten years younger, appearing briefly. 

It’s like a knife to the gut, truly, seeing how happy she was back then. Her eyes shine, a smile stretching across her face, the only one in the sea of girls not looking at Robb as he plays to the crowd. The camera cuts back to the boys, and she looks at Jon’s face, knows just from his expression that he was staring right back at her. 

Gods, how she misses that look in his eyes. That shine they’d get when he looked at her, like he’d never seen anything more incredible in the world. The way his little crooked grin would make her heart flutter, the feel of his hands on her, pulling her into his solid warmth…

A smile pulls at her lips, unbidden, even though she can feel her throat start to close up, eyes misting with tears. She would give fucking anything for him to look at her like that again. Would do almost anything to erase all the pain and hurt between them, go back to a time when all that had mattered was how much they loved each other. It’s dangerous to imagine what their life would be like now if she hadn’t left. The two of them could be sitting next to each other on the sofa, Ella curled up with them, the video playing filling them both with fond nostalgia instead of making Dany feel like her heart’s been cut out, bleeding her dry. 

But she doesn’t deserve that happy ending with him, not after what she’d done. How she’d left him, kept Ella a secret. It doesn’t matter how much she wants it— Jon deserves someone better than that. She can’t be that person for him anymore, even if she wishes she could. 

She can feel eyes on her, so she turns her head, almost startling when she sees it’s Jon looking at her. And even for the second that their eyes meet, she can see that longing, that grief in his eyes as well. 

But it can’t be. Even if they’re on better terms, he can’t want her like that. It must be… it must be wishful thinking, her heart playing tricks on her again. 

She’d broken his heart, kept his own daughter from him, stayed on the other side of the world when he was falling to pieces back here, and now she has to deal with the consequences. That she accepted long ago. 

The video ends and everyone moves on, getting up to go eat dinner in the living room, but Dany feels like she’s still stuck in the past, trapped in Jon’s eyes and the love they used to hold. 

***

After dinner everyone returns to the living room, stuffed full and sleepy, for another round of drinks. Dany can tell from the way Ella’s eyes are beginning to droop she’s about five minutes off from truly hitting her sugar crash and passing out on the sofa, where she’s snuggled between Jon and Lyanna. Ben is already asleep in Margaery’s arms, over next to her. 

Dinner had been wonderful, delicious and filling and hearty— it had been so long since Dany had had good northern food. But the conversation as well, everyone talking with her and including her, despite everything… it makes her heart feel full as well. This is what holidays are supposed to feel like, she thinks. It’s been so long since she’s had one that wasn’t just her and her mother and Ella that she’d almost forgotten. 

Which, thinking of— she probably should wish her actual family a merry Christmas. 

“I’ll be right back,” Dany tells Sansa and Margaery, standing from the sofa. “I probably should actually go call my brother.” 

“Good luck,” Sansa says, brow furrowing in sympathy. 

There’s a smaller sitting room down the hall that looks like it mostly just houses Rose and Ben’s toys, so Dany ducks into the dark room, perching on the arm of the sofa as she dials Rhaegar’s number. It rings so long she thinks she might just have to leave a message, but then he finally picks up, his voice echoing on the other side of the line in greeting.

“Hi, Rhaegar,” Dany responds, smiling a little. “Happy Christmas.” 

“To you as well, Dany,” he says. “I hope you and Ella have been having a good day.” 

“Mm, we have,” she assures him. “Mum made it up alright, didn’t she? Did she tell you how many presents Lyanna and Jon got her?” 

“She did. She got here just in time for dinner, but she told us all about it. Something about a grand piano?” Rhaegar chuckles. “Must be nice to have that much disposable income, hm?” 

“He wanted to spoil her,” Dany says in explanation. “Make up for past years, I think. And it’s only a baby grand,” she says, teasing. 

“Ah, well in that case,” Rhaegar says with a chuckle. 

“How is everything?” Dany asks. “Is everyone else doing alright?” 

“Yes, they are,” he says. “It’s been a good day. Though we wish you were here, little sister.” 

Dany rolls her eyes— he does this every year. “Mm, maybe you and Mum, but not Viserys,” she says. “I’m sure he’s managed to make snide comments even without me there.” 

“Dany, you’re an Emmy winning actress now,” Rhaegar says, and she can just picture the lecturing look he’s got on his face now. “I think maybe next year you should come up here and put him back in his place.” 

Dany laughs. “That does sound appealing. Still, not exactly how I want to spend Christmas. Especially with Ella.” 

“How is my favorite niece?” Rhaegar says. “I’ve got to come down soon and see her. It’s been much too long.” 

“You only have one niece. But she’s good,” Dany says, laughing. “She’s really come to love all of Jon’s family, which I’m glad. He has so much of it. I was scared she’d be overwhelmed. But she and Margaery and Robb’s kids have been having a wonderful time together today.” 

“I’m sure Jon’s enjoying having her there,” he says. “How’s everything with you two? You win him back over yet?” 

Dany crosses her arm across her body, spine prickling. “You know that’s not why I’m here, Rhaegar,” she says, trying to keep the exasperation out of her tone. As if what she did is something that he could just forgive and forget… she knows Rhaegar means nothing by it, most likely, but it’s still the sort of ignorant comment that shows how little her brother really knows about her life right now. 

“I know,” he says, backtracking. “Still. I’m sure eventually he’ll come around, Dany.” It’s easier to agree than get into it, so she hums noncommittally, which seems to appease Rhaegar. 

“Listen, I need to get back,” Dany says. “Ella’s crashing, so I’m going to have to pack everything up soon. But it was good to talk to you. Merry Christmas,” she wishes him again. “Tell everyone there Merry Christmas from us, too.” 

“Of course,” Rhaegar says. “Merry Christmas to you too, Dany. Take care, alright?” 

“Alright,” she says, smiling a bit. “I’ll talk to you soon.” 

She just sits there for a moment in the dark after the call is ended, listening to the happy murmur of people talking in the other room. It’s selfish, probably, but she hopes all of her Christmases are like this. She doesn’t want to go back to her brother’s house, to her relatives that barely know her, have never met Ella. And maybe that’s partially her fault, but… all she can think about is how Jon’s cousins had wanted to meet Ella the moment they knew she existed, no matter how they felt about her. Viserys has never even called to ask about his niece. None of her aunts and uncles send Ella birthday cards, even. After spending a day with a family that truly feels like a family, it’s hard to imagine driving up to Dragonstone and having Christmas with a roomful of people that hardly care about her. 

Well, you might as well cherish this while you have it, she thinks. There’s no use sitting alone in the dark instead of enjoying everyone’s company in the sitting room. 

Dany stands to leave, tucking her phone into her back pocket as she steps back out into the hallway. But she’s not looking where she’s going, and all of a sudden someone’s in front of her, Dany skidding to a stop in the doorway. 

She looks up, and there’s Jon in front of her, clearly just as surprised.

“Jon,” she says, blinking at him. “Sorry, I just stepped out for a moment to call Rhaegar and wish him a happy Christmas.” 

Jon shakes his head. “No need to apologize,” he tells her. “I’m the one who almost walked into you.” He lapses into silence for a moment, lips pursed, and gods, Dany tries to focus, not get distracted by how handsome he looks. She hadn’t seen him in any of the tabloids or anything in years— she’s still not quite over his longer hair and how it’s tied back, how much thicker his beard is now, how much broader his shoulders are. His Christmas sweater clings to him just right, and she wants to run her hands over his muscles, rake her fingers through his beard— 

“Ah… how is Rhaegar?” Jon asks, and Dany has to pull herself from her daydream, fake composure again. 

“He’s good,” she tells him. “My mum got there just in time for their dinner. They’re having a good time, all of them.” 

“That’s good,” he says, looping his thumbs in his pockets. The twinkling lights strung down the hall bathe him in a warm, golden glow, making everything look softer. She can’t see a trace of that usual trepidation he has in his eyes when he’s around her. It’s enough to make her heart flutter again. 

She can still hear the friendly chatter of people down the hall, and it strikes her that she hasn’t truly told Jon how grateful she is that he’d let them come along today. He’s staring at her like he’s at a loss for words, so Dany opens her mouth again, compelled to fill the silence.

“Thank you for this,” she says, and even though her voice is quiet, she hopes Jon can tell how sincere she’s being. How much this truly means to her. 

“For what?” he asks, brow furrowing adorably in confusion. 

“For… everything,” she says, shrugging. How does she verbalize that warm, golden feeling she’s had inside all day, from the moment they stepped into this house? “For letting me and Ella come to this. Letting us be a part of this.” 

She almost says family afterwards, but the word gets caught on her tongue. Ella, sure, is a part of this family. But herself… well, it’s enough that she gets to be here, even if she doesn’t truly belong. 

“Of course,” Jon says with a shake of his head. “I… you and Ella are family, Dany.” Her heart races at that, hope blossoming in her chest before she can tamp it down. “Even if we’re a really weird, fucked up one.” 

Dany laughs, because it is fair, she supposes. It makes Jon smile too, and gods above, she almost can’t stand it. She’s only seen him really smile like that at her a few times since she’s come back, all in the past few weeks. Her teeth catch her bottom lip as she stares at him, the light in his eyes, the fondness in the way his lips tilt just to the side. It makes her think of that stupid video Margaery had played earlier. His expression looks so much like it did back then. 

“That’s one way to put it,” she admits. Jon chuckles, and the sound is sweeter than the scent of vanilla still hanging in the air. She misses the sound of his laugh so much it almost hurts. 

“It’s been… so long for us,” Dany admits, bowing her head briefly. “Ella’s never had a holiday where we had family to go see. I’m really glad she does now.” 

“I’m really glad you wanted to come,” he says. “I wouldn’t have blamed you if you didn’t.” 

Dany smiles a bit. She had been a bit nervous, coming into this, but now that she’s here… she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else today. “Sansa promised me she’d bully Arya and Robb into being nice to me,” she confesses, making Jon laugh again. 

“They haven't given you any trouble, right?” he asks.

“No. None,” she assures him, shaking her head. Not like Viserys would have given her, she’s sure of it. “This whole day has been… wonderful. This is how holidays are supposed to feel, you know?” 

“Mm,” he agrees. “That’s what I keep thinking.” 

She worries her lip, not sure what to say. She really just wants him to know how much this means to her, how much she appreciates it. After everything she’d put him through, Dany wouldn’t blame Jon if he’d only wanted to have Ella here with him and his family today. “Holidays with just my mum and Ella and Missandei have always been nice, but they’re just… they’re lonely,” Dany tells him. She shrugs, meeting his eyes nervously. “I know that doesn’t make any sense, but…” 

“No, I know what you mean.” He takes a step closer to her, and Dany’s heart races at the scent of his aftershave, the heady feeling of having him in her space. “We always come here for a bit each year. My mum and I. But generally it just feels like…” he shrugs. “Like I’m on the outside, looking in on all of them.” 

Dany nods, knowing that feeling intimately. It’s how she’s always felt at holiday gatherings, like she’s in a room full of strangers, even though she knows them all. 

“It’s really nice seeing the three of you back together,” Dany says, smiling a bit. Even if she has her reservations about the band and how it’ll impact Jon’s time with Ella, she still feels bad for that outburst she’d had when she first learned they were getting back together. The band has always been so important to Jon, an integral part of who he is. And from what Sansa has told her, his years without music in his life he was in the dark, lost to even himself. She’s glad he’s gotten that part of him back, at least. Even if it’ll complicate things. She knows how much music and his brothers mean to him. 

“It’s how it should be,” she tells him, and Jon grins. 

“Like old times, aye?” he jokes, making her laugh. Dany blinks at him, because he seems to have stepped closer again, the warm gray of his eyes barely a foot from hers. Old times… gods, she wishes. His eyes are locked on hers, and they’re pulling her in, that soft little lilt to his smile making her forget everything— where they are, what they’ve been through, all the pain and mistakes and the ways they hurt each other. There’s just Jon, bathed in warmth from the Christmas lights, eyes clear and open as he looks at her. 

They’re definitely closer now, though Dany’s not sure how it happened, because Jon raises a hand, fingers stroking over her cheek as he cups her face. Her breath hitches, heart ricocheting off her ribs. She hasn’t felt his touch in seven long years, and yet the feeling of his fingers against her skin is something she’ll never be able to erase from her memory, the warmth of his palm on her cheek grounding and comforting and seven hells, she loves him so fucking much. Her eyes drift closed as she leans into his palm, hardly daring to believe this is real, that this is happening. 

Jon’s thumb strokes over her cheekbone, a featherlight touch that sets her on fire, and her eyes open, finding his. The expression on his face— gods, it’s something she remembers from another lifetime. He used to look at her like that, back before. She’s been so sure the past few months she’d never see him look at her like that again. But maybe it wasn’t so foolish to hope after all. 

“Jon,” she says, words barely a whisper, hardly audible. He hums in response and her heart is caught in her throat, the words on her lips— she wants to ask him what this means, if he thinks there’s any chance they could ever be them again, but then something catches her eye in the doorway, gaze flitting up to see the sprig of mistletoe hanging there. 

Dany looks back down and realizes Jon’s gaze had followed hers, and suddenly his gaze is heated, determined. Her heart races as his fingers sink into her curls, one of her hands coming up to the neckline of his sweater. His heart is pounding underneath her palm, almost as fast as hers is. 

This can’t be real, she thinks, frozen there as Jon’s head bows, nose almost brushing hers. There’s no way this is real. It’s like he’s forgotten everything, all of a sudden— everything that happened before she left, the agony she’d pushed him into after she was gone. Gods above, she wants so desperately for it to be real, but how can Jon want her even now, after everything? How can he think this is a good idea after all the pain they’d caused each other? 

She doesn’t move, making him come to her, still half convinced this is a fever dream. She won’t make a move on him— not after the way she left. Not when he still hasn’t forgiven her. That’s not fair to him, to give into her desire and her feelings she’s been trying to tamp down unsuccessfully ever since she came back. 

She waits for Jon to come to his senses, to remember all she’s done, to back away from her. But he doesn’t, still drawing closer as her heart races in her chest, before he closes the rest of the gap between them, and his lips brush hers gently. 

Dany feels as though she’s been struck by lightning, the soft feel of his lips against hers jolting something in her that’s laid dormant for so long back to life. Without thinking, she sighs, rising on her tiptoes to get closer to him, feel the solid warmth of him against her like she’s desperately missed all these years. 

Her movement seems to awaken something in him as well, because all of a sudden Jon isn’t so gentle anymore, and he’s kissing her, his hands grabbing at her waist possessively as he tilts her head. Dany’s heart stutters to a stop, lost in the feel of his lips on hers, his tongue in her mouth. Fucking hells, she’s been at war with herself for the past seven years, half the time trying desperately to remember what Jon’s kisses felt like, the other half trying to push away memories she knew she’d never get to recreate. But now she’s in his arms, and her hands are raking through his hair, and she feels whole, not like there are jagged pieces of her heart still out of place. 

Jon hums, the sound making her toes curl, warmth pooling in her belly. She never wants to move, never wants this moment to end. The heat of his hands through her top is intoxicating, his fingers digging into her skin in a way that makes her dizzy. Gods, she’s missed this, missed him. The scrape of his beard against her jaw, the feel of his plush lips around hers, that subtle scent of pine and fresh snow that clings to him. The way his dark curls feel twisted through her fingers. His nose nudges at hers as his tongue slides against hers, and all Dany wants is to stay here forever, pretend nothing ever happened, that they are as they once were. 

But you’re not, that little voice in her brain sounds. How can this be real, after all you’ve done? How can he want you, when he told you he never wanted to see you again? 

Dany stiffens, reality crashing over her like a bucket of ice water, breaking the kiss. What the fuck is she doing right now? How is she letting herself get caught in fantasies of the past, dreaming that maybe Jon really does want her as much as she wants him? He doesn’t, she knows it. He told her so, all those years ago on the phone. And he’s made it abundantly clear ever since she’s come back how he will never be able to forgive her for keeping Ella from him. 

Dany understands, of course. She wouldn’t forgive herself, if she was in his shoes. But it just makes pretending things could change even more dangerous. She knows there’s no hope for them, that he’ll never come around, never get past all her awful mistakes. He won’t, and then she’ll just be back where she was at the beginning. Alone, and heartbroken, and missing him more than anything. 

Jon’s hands on her waist are too warm suddenly, his palms burning her. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, pulling herself from his arms. Her head is a fog, her heart still pounding too fast. Run, run, run, her mind begs. Before you get hurt again. 

“Dany—” Jon says, and it shatters her heart back into its familiar pieces, seeing the confusion, the regret in his eyes. But she can’t do this. She can’t let herself hope. Because if she does, she’ll fall apart. And she can’t do that— she needs to stay together for their daughter. For Ella. 

She can feel the tears begin to form in her eyes as she turns tail and flees down the hall, fighting desperately to regain her composure before she’s back in the living room. Dany doesn’t turn around, because she knows if she sees Jon standing there, she’ll truly fall apart. 

“There you are,” Sansa says, waving Dany back over to the sofa with her and Margaery. “I thought maybe you got lost.” Dany forces a laugh, trying to keep her composure and hoping she doesn’t look too out of it. 

“No, though your house is impressively large,” Dany says, nodding to Margaery. She grins, still stroking Ben’s hair as he sleeps in her lap. 

“How’s Rhaegar?” Sansa asks. “Your mum made it up there alright, I take it?” 

Dany nods, opening her mouth to speak, but the words die on her lips as she sees Jon walk back into the living room, hands shoved in his pocket, brow furrowed. Her heart begins to race again as he takes his seat next to Lyanna, his mother leaning over to ask him something Dany can’t make out. 

“Yes,” Dany finally says, realizing Sansa and Margaery are still waiting for an answer. “He’s good. They’re having a good holiday as well.” 

Sansa and Margaery begin to talk about something else, but Dany can hardly comprehend the words, eyes locked on Jon instead. His jaw is set, eyes clouded and angry, that stormy, broody look she’d gotten so used to seeing on his face in the past few months returned. 

He must have realized it was a mistake, she thinks. He must have remembered how mad he is with her, what she’d done to him. Because it doesn’t make any sense, how he could want her after all the pain she’s caused him. 

Although, her heart whispers. He caused you plenty of pain as well, and you still want him. 

It’s not the same, she knows. What she’d done is so much more terrible. Unforgivable, truly. 

“Daddy,” she hears Ella say across the room, thoughts quieting for a moment. She watches their little girl climb into his lap, curling a hand into the neck of his sweater as her head hits his sternum, eyes already sliding closed. Immediately, Jon’s expression softens, one of his hands coming up to rest on her back. “I’m sleepy,” Ella murmurs, just loud enough for Dany to hear. 

“I think it might be time to go,” Lyanna says, standing up. Her eyes meet Dany’s across the room. “Ella seems ready for bed.” 

“Of course,” Dany says with a nod, standing as well. “It’s been a long day.” 

They bid their goodbyes, Jon hugging all his family with a sleeping Ella still balanced on his hip. He puts her into her carseat in Dany’s car wordlessly, Ghost following Lyanna over to his own vehicle. She can feel the tension rolling off of him, the regret, and it makes her stomach sink even further. 

“Thank you,” Dany says when Ella’s all strapped in, still sound asleep. Jon shakes his head like it’s nothing, but he still refuses to meet her eyes. 

“Well, happy Christmas,” she says, worrying her lip. And then he looks up at her, that stormy indifference so present in his eyes that she can feel her heart shatter even more. 

I never fucking want to see you again, her brain taunts. Maybe now he remembers the heartbreak that inspired those words in the first place. 

“Happy Christmas,” he says, before he turns and leaves her there, frozen in the driveway. She hears the car door slam, then Jon start the ignition and pull out onto the street, leaving her in the chilly darkness, the only sound the pounding of her slowly-bleeding heart. 

***

Ella sleeps the entire way home, hardly waking when Dany changes her into pajamas and tucks her into her bed. With her daughter asleep and her mother gone, the house is eerily quiet, leaving Dany alone with her thoughts. Her mind is still reeling, unsure what to make of it all— what she had been thinking, what Jon had been thinking, what any of it means. 

She would try to go to bed, but she knows there will be no sleep to be found for her tonight. So instead, she grabs her cell phone, hoping it’s not too late that she’s bothering her best friend. 

Missandei picks up on the second ring, Dany sighing in relief at the sound of her voice. “Dany,” her friend says, voice filled with worry. “Is everything alright?” 

“Er, sort of,” Dany says. She doesn’t even know where to begin to explain everything, really. “Not really, actually. It’s… well, it’s complicated.” 

“Alright,” Missandei says, and Dany can hear the hint of laughter in her voice, can picture her friend’s golden eyes delightfully confused at how cryptic she’s being. “Do you want to tell me what you’re talking about, or should I just continue to live in confusion here?”

“Well, I…” Dany says, worrying her lip. “Tonight I may have… kissed Jon.” 

“You what?!” Missandei screeches, Dany pulling her legs up under her on the sofa, trying not to laugh. “You kissed Jon?! How in the seven did that happen?” 

“There was mistletoe,” Dany says, almost with a groan. “And, I don’t know… everything was so festive, and he’s been so friendly with me I think I forgot everything that’s happened, and…” 

“How did he react to that?” Missandei asks. “When you kissed him?” 

“Well,” Dany says, worrying her lip. “Technically, he kissed me first.” 

“Woah. Wait,” Missandei says. “Hold on. He kissed you? Dany!” 

“I know,” she says, wincing. “And now I’m so bloody confused, Dei. I don’t know what to make of any of this.” 

“Well, I think it’s pretty obvious,” Missandei says. “Hold on, I need more details. To properly assess the situation, of course. What kind of kiss was this? Quick? Chaste?” 

“Definitely neither of those things,” Dany says. She can hear Missandei’s gasp on the other line, but all she can think of is the taste of Jon’s lips, the feel of his fingers digging into her waist, tongue sliding against hers. 

“Alright,” Missandei says. “Okay. Sorry. I’ve processed. I’m done freaking out. I’ll leave that to you,” she says, almost laughing. “Lay it on me. What’s going through your mind right now?” 

“I don’t even know,” Dany confesses. “It’s an entire fucking mess. I mean, I know we’ve been much more friendly lately— he’s been so nice to me, the past few weeks. And I thought maybe it was just the Christmas spirit, or we were finally getting into a groove of doing this with coparenting Ella, not letting the past get in the way of that…” Dany trails off. “But I haven’t… I hadn’t let myself hope he could still have feelings for me. Or want anything with me ever again. Not after everything I’ve done.” 

“Okay,” Missandei says. “Well, clearly, it’s a possibility, then.” 

“I don’t know,” Dany says, wincing again. “I sort of… came to my senses, after a moment. And then I ran away.” 

“Dany,” Missandei says, voice gentler. “You didn’t.” 

“He looked so mad, afterwards,” Dany says, pushing forward. “When we packed Ella up to leave, and said goodbye to everyone. He would hardly look at me.” She pauses, shaking her head. “He must have realized it was a mistake. Remembered everything from before. I just… I don’t understand how he even kissed me in the first place. He must have gotten carried away, right?” 

Missandei doesn’t answer, remaining quiet for a moment. “I don’t know, Dany,” she admits. “Personally, from the way I’ve seen him be around you lately— I don’t think it’s preposterous to think he still has feelings for you too.” 

“He told me he never wanted to see me again,” Dany reminds her. “That I’d ruined everything. Broke him. Which I did. So how can he want me again?” 

“I don’t know,” Missandei repeats. “I’m not Jon. You,” she says pointedly, “need to talk to him already.” 

Dany sighs, her head dropping. Yes, she knows she does. He’d asked her before, but gods… it’s so much easier to keep going like this, to pretend the past is behind them and they can move on and co-parent Ella civilly, nothing more. So much less painful. 

“I know,” Dany admits. “I just… I’m scared, Dei. I’m scared to relive it all. Go through it all with him.” She exhales. “And even if we did talk, and did work through it all… I’m scared it’ll just be history repeating itself,” Dany admits. “With the band getting back together? How do I know it won’t be exactly as it was before? I… I want to be with Jon, of course I do. But I’m terrified he’ll break my heart again.” 

“I know it’s scary,” Missandei says. “And I don’t blame you, after everything that happened. But let’s take it one step at a time, yeah? Just talking and getting on the same page first will help you both. How else are you going to know what he feels? How else is he going to know how you feel? You’ve done the whole suffer-in-silence thing before. Look how that turned out.” 

Dany is quiet for a moment, because she knows Dei is right. It led to her leaving, and then keeping their daughter from Jon, and then finally plucking up the courage to tell him and having her worst fears come true. 

“I’m not saying jump headfirst into a relationship right now,’ Missandei tells her. “I’m just saying talking and figuring things out will be good for both of you. And if you talk, and you figure things out, and you keep talking, you could make things work,” she says. “It’s all about communication, Dany. I think you can admit you didn’t have enough of that back before.” 

“We didn’t. But it’s still not that easy,” Dany says. “Everything is more complicated with Ella. She needs stability. She doesn’t need us working through all this mess, screaming at each other and fighting about it all. We should probably just forget it all, move on.” Though she doesn’t know how she’s going to forget that kiss, but for the sake of her daughter, she’ll do her best.

“Yes, Ella needs stability,” Missandei says. “Though I’m not so sure I’d call whatever you two have right now particularly stable. You want to be with him, don’t you? Don’t worry about the complications. Yes or no question.” 

Dany almost laughs at Missandei’s words. “Of course I do,” she says. In some far off fantasy, of course. But her mind is too rational for that. It’s nowhere near that simple. Not anymore. 

“Well, then, how are you ever going to know if you’re wrong, if you won’t ask him about it?” 

“It doesn’t matter if I’m wrong,” Dany says. “He’s never going to forgive me for keeping Ella from him. And he shouldn’t, because I don’t deserve to be forgiven for that.” 

“Dany, love,” Missandei says, exhaling in that way she does when she’s trying not to lecture, but still thinks Dany is being too stubborn. “I think you need to leave that up to Jon. Because I know you still love him, and I know you still want him, and if you go around in denial saying you don’t deserve forgiveness for the rest of your lives, he’s going to quit trying at some point, and you’re going to have to watch him move on and fall in love with some other woman and have everything you want with him while you two shuffle Ella back and forth between houses.” 

Her heart stutters, not having even thought of that possibility. Gods above, she wants Jon to be happy, of course. That’s why she won’t say another word about the band unless she sees history repeating itself, and Ella is going to get hurt. But the thought of him having a family with someone else, living his life while she’s frozen in the past, still in love with him— that would destroy her, slowly but surely. 

“What a fucking mess,” Dany says, burying her head in her hands. “This is such a disaster, Dei.” 

Missandei chuckles a bit, though it’s sympathetic. “Coming back here was never going to be easy,” her friend tells her. “But I think it might be less complicated if you talk through it with Jon. Don’t do that thing you do, where you bury everything down and try to move on because you think it’ll be easier for everyone else if you just suffer.” 

“Hey,” Dany says, brow furrowing. But Missandei doesn’t even let her defend herself. 

“You know I’m right,” Missandei says with a laugh. “Because you always worry about other people before yourself. So don’t assume you know what’s best for Jon, alright?” Dany huffs. She doesn’t have to assume what’s best for him— he told her, point blank, all those years ago that he didn’t want her in his life. But now, with their daughter— what’s best for him is that they’re friends at most. No complications. Especially with Ella, and with his addiction— she can’t risk them getting back together and falling apart. She’d never forgive herself if she sent him spiralling again. And Ella would be devastated if Jon relapsed and couldn’t be in her life anymore. 

“We are going to talk about this much more when I’m back in a few days,” Missandei says. “Because I need to know all the details, whole emotional-mess aside.” Dany laughs at that, her heart warming. Missandei never beats around the bush with her, and tells her what she needs to hear, but she always knows how to make Dany feel better too, even in the middle of colossal shitshows like this one. 

“Alright,” she says, grinning a bit. “Thank you for listening. And merry Christmas.” 

“You as well,” Missandei wishes her. “Try to get some sleep, alright?” 

Dany knows that’s highly unlikely, but she promises Missandei she’ll try anyway. She climbs into her bed not too long after, but all she can think of still is the feeling of being pressed against Jon’s body, his arms around her the way she sometimes still thinks she feels in her sleep. 

Generally when she wakes up with the phantom sensation of him holding her, she tries to press those memories down, conditioning herself to move on. But tonight— tonight she lets herself dream that he’s holding her, remembering the feeling of his lips against hers, the softness of his curls beneath her fingers, the scent of his body filling her nose. 

It is Christmas, after all, and she’ll take what she can get of what she’d truly wanted, even if it’s only half real.