Archive of Our Own

There, that was number 856 .

Soobin let out a sigh of relief as he set down the paper and checked the clock on his phone. Long past two in the morning, the kind of time where the silence was liberating and calm rather than crushing, where time was just another made-up concept and no one would try to reach him.

Well, no one except one person, maybe.

As if it was planned the call screen popped up, one bright green and one equally bright red button getting into his view, tempting him to press either of them.

He had his ringtone muted, he always had, hated the sound of the notification bell. So there was no indicator he had a call coming in except for the words on his brightly lit screen. The caller ID showed a fox emoji, paired with a black heart. Of course, who else would know Soobin would be wide awake at this ungodly hour.

He grinned as he gently touched the green button with his finger, followed by the speaker symbol that appeared. “Hey ” Yeonjun’s voice was clear as day, though Soobin could hear a hint of exhaustion. His best friend loved staying up late, just as much as he did. His body, however, did not.

“Still up?”

The older boy laughed gently. “ If I had the choice I would be deep in dreamland right now.”

“Are you working on something?” Soobin didn’t have to ask, of course. He knew that Yeonjun was always working on things, essays for university, portfolios for job applications, poems for his albums. He was like that, not necessarily a workaholic but rather someone who couldn’t say no to an offer or request, who finished his assignments weeks before the deadline, who somehow still excelled at anything he put his mind to.

Soobin had never been like that. He’d quit university after his first year, took a gap year, mainly spent either at the café he worked at or in his room as he contemplated where his spot in the world was. He had picked university up again but chose a different major. And perhaps journalism would not make him happy in the long run. Who cares, you can change your mind over and over if you want . Yeonjun had said then. Of course, Soobin took that by heart. Because his best friend had never spoken any less than the truth.

“ I was but I finished almost an hour ago. Who would have thought lab reports would be the worst part of my college career? Anyways, I can’t sleep. Do you want to hang out? ”

Soobin chuckled. “Are you crazy? At this time? I have an exam tomorrow.”

“ I assume you’ve been studying hard all evening then if you’re still awake.”

The younger looked at the box in front of him, filled up nearly to the brim with paper creations, little rabbits staring right back at him and taunting him.

“Uh—”

He heard Yeonjun sigh on the other end of the line. “ Is it the bunnies again?”

“Rabbits.” Soobin corrected.

“ Same thing. Dude, you’re not going to wake up with a boyfriend after you finish the 1000th one .”

“You don’t know that!”

Yeonjun hummed. “ Yeah, I don’t know. Do you think your soulmate is counting along? How many have you got?”

“856.”

“ What, already? You’re nearly there? Now that’s dedication! Me and Beomgyu made a bet you’d give up at around 600 .”

Soobin frowned, crossing his arms although he knew the other couldn’t see. “You guys are so mean. Just because you denounced yourself from any romance doesn’t mean I have to!”

“ I didn’t! I just said I don’t have much hope at the moment so I’m not making it a goal of mine.” Yeonjun sounded defensive now and the other boy bit his bottom lip in an attempt to suppress a smile. They had talked about this topic countless times and the more time passed the less enthusiastic Yeonjun seemed about the idea of dating although both Soobin and his roommate-turned-friend Beomgyu had offered to find him a good match.

“Sure, if you say so. Are you going to pick me up tomorrow? I get out at one. We could grab chicken… or burgers, anything you want.”

The older boy sighed yet again. “ You’re annoying. What if I already have lunch plans?”

“I know you don’t.”

“ Fine, let’s say I don’t. Why should I go with you? Aren’t you going to be folding rabbits out of the paper towels again?”

“What’s the problem with that?”

“ You always get so focused,” Yeonjun said, leaving a short break to breathe. “ And then you don’t talk to me, because you’re so concentrated.”

Soobin grinned, glancing at his paper rabbit horde. “Sorry, Jjunie. I’ll do better.”

“ Send me your exam room per text.”

“Do you know I love you, Jjun?”

“ Yeah, yeah, whatever. Love you too. Now sleep! If you fail this I’ll never talk to you again. ” He didn’t give Soobin the chance to say bye before he hung up and the younger’s phone beeped a few times as the call ended before the screen turned black again.

He got up from his desk chair, taking another deep breath as he stretched his arms out. A look over at the book he had set out to study today made him sigh out loud. “Soobin, you have to work on this!” he told himself before heading through the tiny hallway of his dorm into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

Minutes later he lay in bed, duvet covering him in a hug and pillow cool from the lack of usage today. It would have been a lie if Soobin said he didn’t regret his study habits, were they even study habits if he never really studied? But the comfort of his bed lulled him in quickly, luring him into a deep sleep and convincing him to leave the concerns for the morning.

•••

The pen felt heavier in his cramped fingers by the second and Soobin could feel the pain already that he’d have in his joints for the next hour because of the grip he had on it as if that would bring the right words to his mind.

Dear god, goddess, higher powers, angels, unnamed blob, whatever there might be, please let me pass this one!

He sent the thought out into the quiet thick air of the auditorium where his exam was held. A look around allowed him to see everyone else also staring at their papers, some more desperate looking than others.

A third time reading through his writing didn’t bring any revolutionary changes so finally, he decided to give in. Five minutes until he would have to hand it in any way, so why bother?

Soobin’s fingers loosened and the pen clicked as it fell onto the table. He tried to sort his papers as quietly as possible and when he finally had them all in the order he put them back down and considered holding his breath until the examiner’s voice would disrupt the silence. Instead, he inhaled and exhaled, putting all his effort into not making it too loud, too disturbing.

Do you feel like that a lot? Yeonjun had asked at the beginning of their friendship, feet swinging from the bench in the campus gardens, Like you’re taking up too much space and bothering others simply by existing?

Soobin had never heard it worded like that before, not even his thoughts could have constructed a sentence like that. But it was true, right on the head of the nail, as if Yeonjun had been able to view right through him and the walls he had built as if he knew his tiniest secrets, even those he kept from himself.

Their friendship had developed to always be like that. While Soobin did not understand much, whether it was about the world around him, other people, Yeonjun in particular, and even himself, the other knew everything. He knew how the gears in Soobin’s mind turned, knew how the moon pulled the tides and how the planets followed their orbits around the sun in perfectly planned routines, always the same. He knew where the stars disappeared to when the sun rose and he knew why Soobin was upset even when the latter couldn’t put his finger on it.

If Yeonjun was a book then Soobin had yet to figure out how to decipher the writing in it, what each symbol stood for, and which sounds constructed a word, while the older boy had memorized him entirely already, knew where every chapter started and ended, could analyze the entire novel with ease.

If Soobin was a flower Yeonjun was the water, carrying his nutrients and giving him the strength to grow, washing out the things he didn’t need until he was pure and clean down to the core and grew a stem so strong he’d last through the coldest winter.

He felt his hands shake when he finally handed in his writings, letting the flow of his classmates carry him out of the room as if he were a stone washed ashore by the ocean's mightiest waves.

“Binnie!”

His head snapped to find someone standing right next to the door, looking at him with his warm eyes and even warmer smile, his whole presence burning hot and setting Soobin aflame. Yeonjun wore a brown coat and a striped scarf, hands in his pockets although the January wind could never reach this corner of the building. 

Soobin smiled although the knowledge he did not do well was tugging at his strings. “Hey.”

“How was it?” Yeonjun asked but he probably knew already, he always did. The question was simply a courtesy, unlocking the door Soobin’s worries had been kept behind and allowing them to flow out.

“Terrible.”

The older boy nodded, pressing his lips together. “Well, I kinda knew. Maybe we should get you a tutor.”

“Please, who would tutor a journalism student ?” 

Yeonjun shrugged, hand sliding out his coat as he stretched it out towards the other. “Let’s go eat. It’s on me.”

Soobin allowed him to lock their fingers as they made their way outside, finally fearing the soreness of his hand now that the blue ballpen was deep in his bag. He carefully squeezed Yeonjun’s palm and earned the same gesture back. “I’m still proud of you, you know?” They had reached the street now that led towards the area where most restaurants were. “Even if you fail the exam, I’m proud you made it here, to your second year.”

“You don’t have to say that. You can say I should take it more seriously, you’d be right.”

Yeonjun huffed. “Well, I’m not here to be the voice of reason. I’m your best friend. Any decision you make I’ll support, even if it’s objectively bad— take folding paper rabbits instead of studying as an example.”

Soobin laughed, playfully hitting the other. “You won’t let me live that down, will you?”

“I won’t. You’re still not seeing how ridiculous it is that you expect these little projects to help you find your soulmate. Dude, who needs soulmates anyways? How weird, you’d be stuck with them forever.”

“Like with you?”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes. “I doubt it. You’ll probably try to get rid of me as soon as you start your career and have to travel everywhere all the time.”

“I’d never try to get rid of you,” Soobin said and although it was a light-hearted conversation he silently made a promise with those words, shifting closer to his friend. “What would I do without you telling me what I’m feeling?”

“You’d run around blind and get yourself and others hurt with your silly oblivious self.”

“See! I need you.” 

The older boy sighed. “I need you too, Soobinie.”

•••

Beomgyu’s laugh was loud, like a melody— scratch that, like an elementary school orchestra, it rang in Soobin’s ears as the younger of them took a bite out of his sandwich.

They had met at some point sometime during high school, always classmates, always familiar faces but never more, never a word exchanged that exceeded a hello, especially considering that Soobin had been a year above the other and their paths were bound not to cross in places other than the hallway or the cafeteria. Sure, they had heard of each other through friends-of-friends but there had been no familiarity in Beomgyu’s screams when he got excited like it was there now.

Still, Soobin had been thankful when he returned to university after his gap year to see a familiar face, someone he could approach, someone with a common factor, a common history. 

Beomgyu had started university as soon as he had finished high school, already in his second year when Soobin first stepped into a journalism lecture hall. He was a literature major, fortunate for Soobin who could ask him for tips and slid onto the seat next to him in classes they had together.

The friendship hadn’t appeared out of the blue, it had developed, grown quickly without either of them noticing it, at some point, it had been out of the question that they’d walk together whenever their paths crossed, that they’d hang out in the afternoons too, café-hopping as Beomgyu worked his way through every coffee variation there was.

Soobin didn’t like coffee, never had, and no matter how much milk, sugar and syrup Yeonjun would pour in it he still couldn’t seem to enjoy it. But that was the way things worked for their little coincidental friend group. Though Yeonjun had met both of the others separately they made the most sense as a group, inseparable no matter what.

While other constellations may have someone who would be considered the glue of the group, the one who held it all together, they didn't have one, didn’t need one. Soobin without Beomgyu or Yeonjun was unthinkable and vice versa, they completed one another.

Maybe his bond with Beomgyu couldn’t compare to the silent understanding with Yeonjun, to the way the older boy’s hand seemed to have a magnetic pull towards Soobin’s own, the way Yeonjun knew what his best friend was feeling at all times.

But it didn't have to be like that.

Friendship with Beomgyu meant liberation, talking freely, even the heaviest topic light as a feather between their laughs and smiles, an ocean of ideas and joyful memories always engulfing them. If Soobin was a flower and Yeonjun was the water nurturing his stem Beomgyu was the sun tickling his blossoms and bringing everything together in the end.

Though there was something particular about his relationship with Yeonjun, something he could never have with anyone else, Beomgyu was just as important, carrying the sun around with him.

While Yeonjun spoke in poems, happily took the weight of Soobin’s worries and troubles onto his shoulders, holding him tight while tears flowed Beomgyu was the one who always knew how to lighten the mood. They never really had deep conversations, it wasn’t what their friendship was designed to be. Beomgyu was the escape, the lighthouse bringing hope back after a seemingly helpless odyssey.

The January sun was merciless, way too warm for a winter day and yet not warm enough to stop Soobin’s cheeks from tinting red. But Beomgyu was laughing, warm as ever. “You’re still making those bunnies?”

“They’re rabbits .”

Beomgyu shrugged, taking a sip from his water bottle. “Fine. Rabbits, then. Very impressive.”

“It’s a true thing. Once you finish all 1000 you find your soulmate!”

“Can you cite your source for that?”

Soobin rolled his eyes. “It’s just true! And it’s worth a shot either way, isn’t it?”

His friend shrugged. “I don’t know, man. Just downloading tinder might be the easier solution.”

“No thank you.”

“That’s your choice! What does Yeonjun think of it though?”

The older of them furrowed his brows. “He thinks it’s silly. But why does it matter?”

Beomgyu almost choked on his water. “Oh, dude… Oh, Soobin.”

“What?”

“Uh— nothing, forget it. He thinks it’s silly. Yeah, of course, he does.”

“Are you making fun of me?” Soobin asked, puffing his cheeks. Beomgyu grinned.

“A bit. It’s kind of cute though, you and your bunnies— pardon, rabbits! How many more do you have to make?”

Soobin took a moment to think. He had finished number 901 last night, he was able to fold them at a quite impressive speed now after so much practice. “99. Less than 100! Pretty impressive, huh?”

His friend giggled in a typical manner. “Sure. Super cool. When are you planning on finishing?”

Ah, there it was. That question. Soobin could practically feel the heat rising into his face. “I want to make the last one on valentine’s day,” he muttered which earned a gasp and then another loud laugh from the other.

“Dude, seriously ? Aw, there’s no cure for you I’m afraid.”

“You’re annoying! I just thought it’d be a good time.”

“Yeah, sure. Great time! Don’t worry. I’m sure your soulmate is going to show up with 1000 red roses on valentine’s then.”

Soobin scoffed. “Now you’re exaggerating.”

Beomgyu hummed. “I’m not the one folding paper rabbits to find love when there are easier options.”

“What options? Don’t say tinder again. I would rather die.”

The younger shrugged. “Maybe you should take a look around, man. There’s more than what reaches the eye, sometimes. Especially considering your poor observation skills.”

Soobin playfully punched the other’s arm. “You’re a meanie.” He said although both of them knew he didn’t mean it.”

“I’m just saying the truth!”

•••

Soobin felt empty after his last exam of the semester, the calm after the excitement as if someone had sucked any energy and motivation out of him along with his emotions. There was nothing, really, no sadness, no tiredness, no relief. Just nothing.

He had put on one of his old playlists, words he had once learned to keep in his heart blaring through his speaker and familiar melodies sinking into his pores although he was too dazed to actually listen.

It had to be afternoon by now, though he didn’t know how long he had been lying there. His mind was empty, all he could recall of how he’d passed the time he’s spent in his bed since the morning was that the question of what Yeonjun was doing had appeared multiple times and he had spent some moments making up scenarios of his best friend sitting in one of the classrooms of the chemistry faculty, nose scrunched in focus as he scribbled notes and sketches of atom structures onto his paper.

Soobin didn’t know anything of chemistry, the little he had been taught in high school had slipped right away from his memory the second he’d graduated. But he admired the other for being so into it, for understanding the way the world worked in such a specific and scientific way like Soobin had never been able to.

He reached for his phone on the nightstand, finally, to get the confirmation that it was seven minutes past two in the afternoon. He glanced over his notifications, one of his classmates had commented on his most recent Instagram posts. A flame emoji, nothing else. Thanks, I guess , he thought to himself and continued. Two messages from Beomgyu.

the convenience store ran out of my favourite chips. tragedy.
got some soju let’s have a movie night on the weekend-

Soobin smiled, sending back a thumbs-up emoji. He didn’t drink often, neither did Beomgyu. But together it was always fun. Like out of reflex he checked one other chat as well. No new messages from Yeonjun.

Somehow that bothered him.

He contemplated sending a text for a while, typing up variations of hey and how was your exam? But he didn’t send any of them. Instead, he managed to crawl out of bed and straighten out his sheets before he put a sweater jacket over his t-shirt. His dorm had cooled down noticeably and it was worse now that the warm cover of his duvet was gone.

What now? Maybe lunch would be good.

But Soobin didn’t get far before he could head into the kitchen there was a clicking noise at his front door as it sprung open. There was only one person who had a spare key and, unsurprisingly, Yeonjun burst into the little apartment, throwing his checkered backpack down and slamming the door shut.

Before the other boy could greet him Yeonjun was there, in front of Soobin, pulling him into an embrace. His body began shaking gently and through soft hiccups, the younger of them realised he was crying .

“Jjun? Hey, what happened? Exam not good?”

“I think I’ll fail,” Yeonjun whispered and Soobin wouldn’t have heard it if he wasn’t right there in his arms. He squeezed him a little tighter, fingers resting in Yeonjun’s black hair.

“That’s okay.”

“I know it’s just— I’m tired, Binnie. And I needed a hug.”

Soobin couldn’t help a smile sneaking onto his lips. “You came all the way here for a hug? Couldn't Beomgyu give you one?”

“I wanted one from you,” Yeonjun muttered, breath slowing down as he swallowed hard. “Do you mind if I stay?”

“Not at all. Never, Jjunie.” Somehow, a tangle of limbs, they stumbled into Soobin’s bed-plus-living room and fell right onto the freshly made bed, Yeonjun’s face still pressed against Soobin’s chest.

Somewhere deep in his guts, Soobin felt something sting as Yeonjun’s breath calmed down and he loosened slightly, looking right into his eyes instead. The older boy’s cheeks were rosy and tears were beginning to dry on his face, leaving stains. Soobin gently wiped them off with the tip of his thumb, earning a smile from Yeonjun.

“Thanks,” he whispered as if anyone was there to hear them.

Soobin hummed. “I don’t like when you cry. Look at you, all messy.”

Yeonjun pouted, eyes wandering around Soobin’s face. “Are you saying I’m an ugly crier?”

“No— what? Of course not! I wasn’t implying that… sorry if it came across badly.” Soobin felt nervous all of a sudden but his best friend simply laughed softly, the sound waking up every cell in the other’s body.

“I was just teasing you, no worries.”

Soobin felt a little regretful when Yeonjun loosened his arms rather than lingering just a little longer, sitting up instead to look around. His gaze was quickly glued to one particular object standing on the wooden desk in the corner.

“What’s that box for?”

The younger one felt embarrassed suddenly. Of course, Yeonjun knew about this, yet having him see it made Soobin weirdly ashamed. “Rabbits,” he muttered. “I keep them in there.”

“Ah.” Yeonjun exhales and the giddy tone of his voice drops, replaced by a more neutral one. “I see. You’re still on that.”

“I’ve got almost all of them now! Only 40 left. I’m saving up the last one for valentine's day, though.”

Heat rose to his cheeks after admitting it, somehow it felt more embarrassing telling Yeonjun than it had with Beomgyu. Soobin’s breath sped up a little as the other sighed softly, his hands pressed onto the blanket. “Why are you so… so set on finishing this? Do you want to find your— your soulmate that badly?”

Soobin tried to shift a little closer, resting his head on Yeonjun’s shoulder which made the older boy flinch a little. Normally he doesn’t flinch . “Yeah, I do. At least I think so. I mean, it might not work at all but… there's some hope, right? It’s not impossible that someone would love me, right?”

The silence that followed lasted a few eternally long seconds, weighing the air down. A cold shiver wandered down Yeonjun’s spine and Soobin felt him shake. “Of course, Soobinie.” his best friend finally said, voice heavy the way it only ever was in those moments where Soobin struggled to decipher his emotions, where he knew something had to be out of order but couldn’t figure out what it was and where to put it to restore harmony.

His breath hitched as he attempted to place his hand around Yeonjun’s. The other pulled his own away. “What is it, Jjun?”

Silence again, a deep inhale. “Nothing, Binnie. It’s nothing. Just tired. I should probably go, Beomgyu wanted me to look for those chips.”

“I thought you were going to stay.”

Yeonjun breathed again. “I know— you just look tired, I am too. I’ll let you get some rest.” He got up and Soobin couldn’t get himself to follow so he sat and stared as the front door closed behind his friend, leaving him back alone with his music.

•••

February thirteen was a Friday, of course, and Soobin had been spending a day full of misery, from the overcrowded bus where he had managed to fall against multiple strangers, the word ‘sorry’ leaving his mouth roughly twenty times, to the pushing and shoving in the university hallways with students asking others on Valentine’s day dates last minute and trying to get to the stores after classes before the first began closing.

It was late afternoon now, the sun already lowering in the sky. There had been a cold and unpleasant wind all day, causing Soobin to regret not bringing gloves or a scarf that morning. His fingers were tightly wrapped around the paper cup his too expensive green tea was in and although the convenience store Beomgyu, Yeonjun and him had come to wasn’t cold inside he still felt the frost from outside deep in his joints.

Yeonjun sat in the middle, he and Beomgyu each with a cup of noodles in front of them. The eldest of the trio was stirring diligently and Soobin watched him, watched his bottom lip push forward slightly and his brows pull together only a tiny bit, wondering what might be on the older boy’s mind.

Finally, Yeonjun lifted his cup with one hand, chopsticks in the other as he got out a huge load of steaming hot ramen from the container. He blew on it gently to cool it down before carefully extending his arms towards Soobin and holding it in front of his mouth.

“Eat some. You’re still shaking, this will warm you up,” he said, looking directly into his friend’s eyes. The latter smiled at the caring gesture, allowing the other boy to feed him the noodles. Yeonjun had gotten the younger’s favourite brand although he claimed it was too bland for his liking. Soobin hummed as he felt the heat of the food spread through his body, slowly from his throat down to his fingertips which he now loosened from his teacup slightly.

“Thanks, Jjunie,” he muttered, offering his best friend a smile and earning one in return.

Beomgyu cleared his throat. “What about me?” he asked with a playful tone in his voice.

“You have your own, dumbass,” Yeonjun responded, sticking his tongue out.

“Are you sure there’s no other rea— Ow!” 

Beomgyu had shut up abruptly and Soobin saw Yeonjun give him a look he couldn't decipher. “Are you okay, Gyu?” he asked. His friend nodded.

“Yeah, yeah. Just… hit my knee on the table.”

Beomgyu was a terrible liar, so awful that even Soobin could tell he wasn’t telling the truth but before he could investigate further someone came up to them.

It was a girl he distantly recognised, maybe from campus, he couldn’t remember. She, however, paid no attention to him or Beomgyu, tapping Yeonjun’s shoulder. “Hey, Yeonjun!” she started. He turned to look at her, brows raised.

“Oh, hi. What’s up?”

She offered a smile. “I was just wondering if you had any plans for tomorrow? There’s this live music event happening at a café downtown.”

Soobin tried hard to think about where she may know Yeonjun from, why she was able to ask him to hang out so casually and how close she could be with his friend, but to no avail. Yeonjun was popular after all, he seemed to know half the university. “Ah, uh— I already have plans for tomorrow. Maybe another time.” the older boy replied, nodding awkwardly. 

Her smile dropped a little. “Oh, I see. Well, it was good seeing you, I’ve got to go now.” She left quickly and Soobin still couldn’t recall her name.

Beomgyu slurped his noodles in an obnoxiously loud way before tilting his head. “Dude, you have plans for valentine’s day?”

Yeonjun cleared his throat and Soobin somehow thought he looked embarrassed. “Yeah.”

“What plans?” the youngest continued asking, wiggling his brows. 

“I’m just… helping a friend! He wants to confess to his crush.”

Soobin now felt surprised, almost offended that he had no clue who it could be about. “Your friend? That’s nice of you.”

The oldest shrugged, licking his lips. “I guess.” The conversation died out from there until Beomgyu finally managed to find a new topic and Valentine's day was forgotten. 

Except that there was the 1000th rabbit.

Soobin had finished number 999 that morning, heart racing again the second he got home and spotted it where he had left it on top of his desk amongst his books and pens.

Deep down a voice was telling him it was ridiculous, expecting a bunch of paper figures to fulfil his wishes like that. But then again, there had to be at least a small chance it was true, right?

He began unpacking his tote bag. Normally he didn’t like using them but Yeonjun did nearly every day and it somehow made him look a million times cooler. Soobin wanted to be like that as well, effortlessly cool and fashionable. So on days like this one, where he had woken up with unfixable hair and a puffy face, he tried to improve such small details instead of working on the bigger problems.

After taking out his laptop he sighed and decided to dump the remaining contents onto his bed instead. Everything fell out, books, his pencil case, his planner, the water bottle he carried around and the plastic wrappers of cereal bars he had consumed throughout the day.

Then there was the unfamiliar sticky note.

It was so small that if not for its neon pink colour he wouldn’t have noticed it at all. But it lay there, on his pillow.

He reached for it and read the short text on it, written with a thin black marker.

Tomorrow, 2 pm, the lover’s wall!

— Ur Valentine

For a moment he hesitated, maybe this note was meant for someone else, maybe his eyes had never been meant to read those words. But then his eyes fell back at his desk, at rabbit number 999.

The first thing he did was take a photo and send it to Yeonjun.

Soobin :
[Image attached]
Do you think this is real?
It was in my bag

Yeonjun:
Looks real to me
No other way to find out than going there, right?

Soobin
Would you come along?
I’m scared of going by myself :(
What if it’s a trick

Yeonjun
Uh
I don’t think I can

Soobin
Oh, right I forgot you had plans
I’ll keep you updated then!
Do you think this could be from my soulmate-

Yeonjun
Why not?

Soobin
Okay, I’ll just go and see what happens
And in emergency, you’re always just one call away right?

Yeonjun
...yea
Of course

•••

Soobin had folded rabbit number 1000 at midnight and now it was there in his bag, neatly within an envelope between the pages of a book that he’d never read before but had recognised as one of the only hardback ones in his possession. He didn’t know why he’d wanted to carry it with him, maybe as a lucky charm?

Most of his university’s campus was empty on Saturdays like this one, especially Valentine’s day, but because the sun was shining brightly and the air had warmed up significantly since the prior day many students were out and about in the park areas that were in between buildings, walking around in pairs, holding hands and chatting as if it was summer rather than mid-February.

The lover’s wall had been named that way by students because it was an old stone wall standing near the river and countless initials had been carved into it over decades, some surrounded by hearts, some crossed out again after the romance had failed.

Soobin had always loved coming here, not because of the wall itself but rather because it was the less popular part of the area and students rarely came here anymore which allowed a nice sense of privacy which otherwise was hard to find in a city so busy. And even today he couldn’t spot anyone nearby except for two or three more couples that seemed too immersed in each other to notice him walking past.

The closer he got to the wall the faster his heart started beating as the realisation hit him that this would possibly be a life-changing afternoon for him. His feet felt light as they carried him and he smiled, sunlight flooding his face.

The wall came into sight and with it an all too familiar figure. Soobin smiled, waving from afar at his best friend who had already spotted him too. “Hey, Jjun! You made it! What happened to your plans? Is your friend not confessing? Or did it happen already?” he asked as soon as the other was within earshot.

The smile on Yeonjun’s face dropped and turned into what seemed like confusion. “What?”

“Your friend! You said you wouldn’t be able to come here because of them. I’m glad you made it, nevertheless. I’m a nervous wreck! Have you seen anyone yet? I’ve only seen couples so far.” He didn’t know why the words were spilling out at such a fast rate but he felt himself relax now, knowing that Yeonjun would be there to witness anything that would or wouldn’t happen now.

His best friend’s mouth gaped open for a bit, then he closed it again, looking down at the ground and shaking his head lightly. He cleared his throat. “No. I haven’t seen anyone else either.”

Soobin felt his heart drop a little and couldn’t help but frown. “Ah… do you think I should wait a bit? Maybe they’re just late… or is it just a prank after all?”

Yeonjun shrugged. “I don’t know, you’ll have to decide. Uhm… I— actually, do you mind if I leave first? I don’t feel very well.”

“Oh! Oh, yeah. I’ll walk you home!”

The older one frowned. “No, don’t. Weren’t you going to—”

“It’s fine. If they didn’t show up in time they're not worth waiting for. If you feel sick I wouldn’t feel good about letting you go alone. I can… I can stay a bit! I’ll make you some tea and we can watch a movie or something.”

“It’s fine, no need I— Beomgyu will be home soon, anyway.”

Soobin linked their arms. “Doesn’t matter. Let me walk you home at least! Please?”

Yeonjun sighed. “Yeah, sure. Fine.”

The walk was quiet and although Soobin felt quite bummed about the disappointment he had experienced, his best friend seemed to be in an even more miserable state than he was.

He damned himself for not being able to read his feelings better, for not being able to figure out what might have happened or how to make the other feel better and it broke his heart to see how heavily Yeonjun swallowed and how his eyes were glued to the ground, not looking up even once until they arrived at his doorstep.

“Do you want to talk?” Soobin tried. He never had been good at talking with Yeonjun, never had found the right words to comfort his friend. Still, he wanted to help.

“It’s nothing, I just have a headache. You should go.”

“Are you sure? I could—”

“Just go home, Soobin!” Yeonjun’s voice grew loud the way it rarely ever did and the younger boy flinched a little. He recognised an immediate expression of regret on the other’s face. “Sorry I just— I’m going to take a nap. You don’t have to worry, Binnie. Get home safely.”

“Okay I’ll go, then… let me know if you need anything,” Soobin responded. The older didn’t say a word, just nodded shortly and stood there silently as the taller of them turned around and left, something tugging at his heart as he wondered what had happened to make the smile on his best friend’s face fade so quickly.

•••

Monday was rainy, the sky much too grey for being outside longer than necessary to be enjoyable. Soobin sprinted from building to building as he was in desperate search of 1) a snack and 2) his friends.

Classes had been boring as always and he regretted not sleeping in and watching the recording of his first lecture of the morning later on at home. The carefree and sweet atmosphere of valentine’s day had faded almost entirely, except of course for the fresh, honeymoon phase couples that walked through the corridors holding hands and giggling as if anyone would care even the slightest as if they were the main attraction on campus right now.

Soobin still felt slightly disappointed about his failed adventure, though he also felt a little relieved. He didn’t know how he would have reacted to a possible confession, to someone admitting they wanted him as more than just a friend. Especially since he didn’t know many people and could name even less who would make sense to be his admirer.

He pulled his scarf a little tighter, the wind blowing across his hair and messing it up even more than the rain already had. His hands were buried in his pockets, savouring every bit of warmth he could get. Beomgyu had texted him earlier, saying something about grabbing lunch with his freshman friend, Taehyun.

Yeonjun had not sent him a text since Saturday.

So he looked for him, lingered near the chemistry faculty’s building and scanned the students walking past him for a familiar face. He recognised one of his best friend’s classmates, stopping him in his tracks. “Hey, have you seen Yeonjun?”

The boy nodded. “Yeah, he stayed behind to ask the professor a question. But he should be out any moment.”

Soobin walked a little closer to the building's entrance door, feeling excited at the thought of spending a little time with the one person that was able to make him forget his worries no matter how prevalent they were in his head, the person that helped him get rid of any monday blues or feelings of loneliness.

He didn’t have to wait long.

Yeonjun was wearing a large green sweater, hood pulled over his hair. His jeans were washed out and his long padded jacket didn't flutter the way his other coats did, hanging motionlessly instead.

He looked miserable.

His head hung low as he opened the door and he didn’t notice the other boy standing there until Soobin placed a hand on his shoulder, making him stop in his tracks. “Oh.” Yeonjun’s voice came out softly as if he’d been caught off guard.

“Hey!” Soobin responded, offering a smile. He didn’t get one in return. “Where are you heading?”

“Home.”

“Can I walk you? I missed you, we didn’t talk all day yesterday!”

The older boy hesitated, light wrinkles spreading across his forehead. He cleared his throat. “You’re going to come even if I say no, aren’t you?” he muttered and although it seemed like a joke his tone sounded dead-serious.

So they walked. Soobin linked their arms but Yeonjun’s just hung down loosely, as if someone had sucked all energy and joy out of him as if his battery was close to running out and he had to save his last bit of strength to fulfil basic tasks.

Finally, it began to sting the younger boy’s heart, he had seen many of the other’s lows but never had it affected the way he accepted his affection, never had Yeonjun seemed so indifferent towards him.

So he stopped, they had nearly reached Yeonjun’s street, it was just around the corner. But Soobin stood still, hand wrapped around the older one’s arm. “What’s going on, Jjunie?”

“Nothing,” Yeonjun spoke but his voice was weak, exhausted.

“Don’t lie! There is something , isn’t there? Does it have something to do with me? Did I do something wrong? You can tell me, you know?”

His friend frowned, closing his eyes and grabbing his hair tightly as if it would help him gather himself. “It doesn’t matter, Soobin.”

The younger boy felt exasperated, his voice involuntarily growing louder. “Well, how am I supposed to help you if you won’t tell me? I can’t fucking read your mind, Yeonjun! How am I meant to know what’s happening and what to do if you don’t tell me?”

Yeonjun’s eyes opened abruptly and Soobin now noticed how glassy they were, how a stray tear was already making its way down his cheek. “Maybe start by learning to catch a fucking hint!” he yelled. “I’ve been trying so goddamn hard to make you realise but you still don’t know!”

“Know what?”

The next sentence changed everything, the world stopped.

“That I’m in love with you, you fucking moron! That I’ve spent so much time trying to send you signs and putting effort into it and you didn’t even consider it for a moment! You are so obsessed with this idea of your dream prince that you were willing to waste months folding stupid rabbits from paper and didn’t look at me even once. Why does your stupid soulmate have to be some stranger who will just magically appear? Fuck, why can’t it be me? ”

“Yeonjun what—”

“It was me who gave you that idiotic note because I thought you might finally realise, might finally give me a chance if I waited until your fucking project was finished. And you got there and broke my stupid heart. Shattered it because you never cared. You never knew, never even thought about it. You hurt me so much, Soobin. And I hate it because I love you so much it makes me feel like I’m going to burst from it whenever I’m with you. But you couldn’t accept my heart because I’ll never be your dream guy, will I? It’s not worth it for me to keep running after you. I can’t keep chasing you, Soobin. I won’t let you lead me on anymore. Now please, for the love of God, let me go home. I don’t want to see you right now.”

Soobin’s breath stopped as he watched the other turn around and continue walking, disappearing behind the corner and leaving him standing there, alone and suddenly freezing cold. He gasped for air as he realised none was filling his lungs, trying to make sense of what he had just heard.

But the last sentence wouldn’t stop repeating in his mind, taunting and mocking him. I don’t want to see you .

He would have cried but his body seemed to have stopped responding, he stood frozen in place, unable to move or think properly as it started raining again, pouring onto his hair, the water sinking deep into his pores together with the realisation that he had just lost his best friend.

•••

Soobin spent two weeks pacing around aimlessly, unfocused. He attended his classes but couldn't concentrate on what his teachers were saying, he struggled to finish assignments, lost his appetite and barely noticed a difference between each day anymore.

He hadn’t slept much, tossing and turning in bed constantly no matter how hard he tried to calm himself. His head was in a constant state of heavy pain and his thoughts raced too quickly for him to understand what was going on in his mind.

Although the weather had gotten better, with March approaching it was milder outside and the sun showed its face more frequently, Soobin had never felt colder. He wanted to sink into his hoodies every time, become nothing but a nameless face, erase what had happened.

He wanted to rewind, wanted to get a hold of himself, control of his body again. But he didn’t know where to start fixing things when everything he knew had been broken, shards scattered by the wind, unable to restore.

He had never felt more isolated. Beomgyu still was there, picking him up for lunch and hanging out at his dorm some afternoons. But it wasn’t the same, especially knowing that he probably was comforting Yeonjun the same way, torn between the separated pair.

Soobin’s fingers got cold easily, even when the rest of his body still felt warm, his fingertips often were ice cold. One thing Yeonjun always carried with him was gloves, another being hot packs. He wouldn’t even ask, he would just grab the other’s hands randomly and notice when they were too cold and he would silently reach into his pockets.

Now the younger boy’s fingers were slowly numbing as he tried to find warmth by wrapping them around his phone.

The device vibrated, making him stop from irritation. Now that Yeonjun was out of reach he had left his vibration on, in hopes the other might contact him suddenly. It wasn’t him, of course.

Beomgyu
I see you walking with your miserable pout
You’re going to hurt your back if you keep slouching like that
Turn around, let’s go grab a coffee! We can talk a bit!!! You can let off some steam

He looked behind him to find his friend a few metres away, waving and jumping excitedly. Soobin felt a smile tugging at his lips and it was relieving to know he still knew how to feel joy. The shorter boy approached him and went in for a hug, ruffling his hair and grinning widely. “See, much better when you’re smiling!”

Beomgyu linked their arms and Soobin let him, allowed him to lead them into the nearest café, allowed him to order for both and pay for both. He didn’t have the energy to stop him. And admittedly, he could use some pampering.

Their cappuccinos had delicate milk foam art on them and Soobin felt even sadder as he remembered that Yeonjun loved small details like this. He got his phone out and took a picture, even considering sending it to the other for a second. But he didn’t, of course.

“Bin, you look so horrible these days. Kai even asked me about you!”

“Who’s Kai?” Soobin asked, stirring in his mug until the art had been ruined, replaced by a monotone brown colour.

Beomgyu gasped. “Wow, you are a handful! I told you about him so often! And he’s a freshman in your major!”

“Sorry, Gyu, but do you think I know everyone in my major?”

“Well, I’d at least expect you to remember the one I’m going on dates with!”

Soobin looked up at his friend who was frowning playfully, sticking his tongue out now.

“Ah, right. You mentioned that guy,” he said and Beomgyu now grinned, visibly satisfied.

“Yeah. Anyways, he noticed you looking super down. I know I’m not as good at it as— well, anyways, we can have a heart-to-heart if you need it. You can pour your worries out a little.”

The older one managed a smile at the attempt of creating a comfortable atmosphere. He took a sip from his coffee and breathed deeply. “I don’t know what to think, honestly. I still haven’t figured out what happened, all I know is that it sucks. He isn’t talking to me at all.”

His friend nodded. “I get it. I mean, I still don't know what exactly happened and why you’re both so miserable about this but… you know, I think there’s no winner here.”

“Gyu, do you think he, like, actually has feelings for me? Wouldn’t I have noticed if he did? It was so sudden.”

Beomgyu chuckled a little, then cleared his throat and tried to make a serious expression. “Soobin, I’m not saying this to be mean but he could not have been more obvious about it. Like, you’re damn lucky! He’s one of the most popular guys of our university after all but he always only had eyes for you.”

Soobin frowned, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “What? What are you talking about?”

“Do you think all those people constantly asking him for tutoring lessons wanted his help? Hell, he’s not even one of the good chemistry students. And all those constantly asking him to hang out? Trying to touch his arms or back or face at any given chance? Man, people constantly flirt with him and he rejects them every single time . Because of you.”

It was embarrassing that this entire time Soobin had not once noticed these supposed attempts at flirting with his best friend. But somehow it made sense, he understood why everyone would want to be with Yeonjun, he was so special after all with his beautiful features, his tall body, his soft voice and his kindness.

Then again, it irked him, it didn’t make sense why Yeonjun would want to be with him when he could have anyone else. “So you’re sure? Does he actually like me like that? I don’t get it.”

Beomgyu shrugged, swallowing a huge swig of coffee. “Dude, he’s literally obsessed with you. All those little things he does for you, buying you food, walking you home when you feel scared in the dark, helping you with your homework even though he doesn’t have a clue about journalism, always bringing extras of everything because he knows how forgetful you are… he also tries to get close to you at any given chance, do you not notice? He’s always touching you and when we’re out he will always pick the spot closest to you even when there’s plenty of space. He even supported you with your little bunny— sorry, rabbit thing even though it hurt him so much. Honestly, it was visible from the start that he’s all about you.”

Soobin’s heart felt heavier as he heard those words and the more he thought about it, thought about every moment he’d shared with Yeonjun, the more obvious it became to him as well. “I feel horrible,” he said. “I must have hurt him so much, god.”

Beomgyu sighed. “Man, I’m no good at this emotional stuff but… think about it. Are you, like, entirely sure you feel absolutely nothing in return? To me, it always seemed like you reciprocated his feelings, even if you were stupidly oblivious to it.”

Honestly, he didn’t know. There was no definite way of telling. “I don’t even know what love is,” he muttered, miserably. Beomgyu laughed softly, patting his shoulder.

“There, there. Let’s not get too dramatic, okay? You don’t need an answer right now, just take your time and think about it. No rush. Now drink your coffee before it gets cold.”

•••

Soobin didn’t like studying in the library, somehow sitting in between dozens of other students who looked focused and as if they knew what they were doing made him feel too aware of his feeling of confusion and overwhelmedness. He didn’t know how to study, how to do things efficiently. And he felt watched, constantly, as if everyone was silently judging him.

Still, he managed to finish an essay he had been working on, fingers beginning to hurt from typing too quickly for too long. He took a sip from his water bottle, trying to make as little noise as possible as he slipped his utensils into his bag and made his way towards the door that led to the staircase of the building, down to the foyer.

Today was a backpack day and as the weight of his laptop and books tugged at his shoulders he rushed downwards, wanting to leave the building as soon as possible. On the last flight of stairs, he stopped, spotting someone sitting at the bottom where the path flared out. The shape of their body was too familiar, too easily recognizable and Soobin felt his knees weaken as he realised that Yeonjun was right there, some notebook lying on his lap as he scribbled words into it.

The younger was glad they weren’t able to make eye contact now, it might have killed him. He thought about it for a moment, thought about approaching him, taking his hand and pulling him outside to finally talk , to stop running away, to stop avoiding the truth that, one way or another, Soobin needed Yeonjun. Couldn’t go on without him.

But before he had gathered enough courage to take a step forward he watched another person show up, some guy he distantly recognised as Yeonjun’s classmate. And they were close enough for him to hear every word. “Yeonjunie! Didn’t expect to see you here. What are you working on?”

“Oh, hey. It’s just the statistics homework. It’s so hard…”

The stranger smiled. “I already have it. Do you want to copy my answers? You seem like you’ve been having a rough time. Ah, see, your hair is all over the place. Do you mind?”

The other didn’t answer so the guy placed a hand in his hair and fixed it carefully and gently, straightening it out until it looked neat the way Yeonjun always did for Soobin.

The stranger’s hand settled on Yeonjun’s shoulder now and he spoke softly. “You know, if you need someone to talk to— or just to distract you and cheer you up, you can always message me! It's a shame to see your pretty face all sad.”

Soobin only noticed now that his hands had formed into fists, fingernails digging into the skin of his palm. He loosened it a little as he noticed the pain, though the aching in his chest was worse. He saw it in the stranger’s eyes, saw that he wanted Yeonjun, wanted his attention all on him.

He hated it.

Taking a deep breath Soobin pulled his hood deep into his face and grabbed his phone, pretending to be distracted as he continued his way down the stairs, making sure to ‘accidentally’ bump into the guy’s side with his shoulder before he quickly rushed out of the building.

He felt tears of anger rising into his eyes as he thought about it, about the possibility of someone else getting to have Yeonjun and be loved by him like he had until now.

So he texted Beomgyu.

Soobin
You were right.
People flirt with him a lot.

Beomgyu
What made you come to this conclusion

Soobin
I just saw some guy doing it
He was all over him and touching him and his hair
Asshole!

Beomgyu
Woah Soobin! Slow your horses
Didn’t think you’d be the jealous type

Soobin
What do I do, Gyu?
I can’t stand seeing him like that when I should be next to him

Beomgyu
What do you feel then?

Soobin
I think I love him
Oh god
I’m in love with Yeonjun
I have been this whole time haven’t I

Beomgyu
Oh, I am so screenshotting this
Listen up you have until tomorrow evening to tell him or else I’m showing him this chat

Soobin
BEOMGYU
What the hell

Beomgyu
He’s making me watch romcoms you don’t get it I can’t take it anymore
Also, you two suck ass when you’re this sulky very boring
So hurry up

Soobin’s heart sped up as he realised what had just happened, what he had just admitted, to both Beomgyu and himself.

He had to tell Yeonjun. There was no other option.

•••

The collar of his shirt was too itchy and Soobin’s hands were drenched with sweat which he frantically tried to wipe on his jeans. Hair stuck to his forehead and his knees were shaking more with every step he took up the stairs of the apartment complex but there was no use in stopping now.

It’s now or never .

Being without Yeonjun, the lack of messages had become more insufferable the clearer his feelings had become to him. Soobin never knew much about others’ feelings, much less his own. But he knew now that he was hopelessly in love with his best friend and that it might ruin him if he had to spend another day keeping it to himself.

He knocked as loudly as he could, out of breath from sprinting up to the fourth floor. He tried to calm himself but his stupid heart would not stop racing, beats stumbling over each other as if it was the first time. The door opened and Soobin forgot every word he’d ever learned. He was an empty book, empty but open all the way, revealing his white pages to the boy standing across from him.

Yeonjun’s beautiful eyes widened and he let out a surprised breath as if he had been holding it for a long time. “Soobin,” he whispered 

The younger boy’s fingers loosened from where he was gripping his coat’s fabric, shaky as ever. “Jjun I— please don’t shut me out again. Let me talk first.” He managed to say although his voice came out quietly and trembling as much as his body. Where his mind had been emptied just seconds ago a million thoughts, a billion words now flew around and he desperately tried to catch them and put them in order.

His best friend was here, in front of him, eyes glassy and lips agape ever so slightly, nodding slowly. Soobin inhaled deeply. He had to say it now, he would burst if he didn’t. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the neatly folded paper, now crumbled lightly in one corner from when he had hurriedly put it into his jacket. Yeonjun looked down at it and then back up into his face.

“I threw them all away. This is the only one left. It’s the first one I made, see?” he pointed at the tiny one written on the paper rabbit’s ear. “I should have stopped after this one.”

“Soob—” Yeonjun started but Soobin lifted a hand.

“Let me talk, please. I really need to say this.”

The older boy pressed his lips together shortly, then whispered a soft “Okay.”

“You were right, you know? You always are. I spent all this time searching for my soulmate but was too blind to realise that he was right in front of my nose this entire time. But I know it now, Jjunie. I know now that I love you and I have been in love with you for as long as I’ve known you. I don’t know myself that well, hell, I don’t know anything that well but I know that I can’t live like this, without you. I need you, Yeonjun. I’m so sorry, please don't shut me out anymore.”

He felt his entire body relax the second he had spoken the last sentence, a weight falling off his shoulders as a smile snuck onto his lips. Yeonjun didn’t say anything, let the silence settle before pulling him into his arms like he had done many times before.

Soobin knew the outlines of his best friend’s body, in fact, it may be the only thing he had ever truly memorised. Still, when his hands settled in the folds of Yeonjun’s sweater it felt like he was holding him for the first time, new and unfamiliar but so exciting. The way Yeonjun’s hands wouldn’t settle until he had slid them under Soobin’s coat, pulling him as close as he could.

It was only then he noticed the older boy’s body shaking softly. Soobin’s breath hitched. “Why are you crying?” he asked carefully.

Yeonjun sobbed, his fingers digging into the taller one’s back. “I missed you, Binnie. And I’m so sorry, too.” The younger managed to loosen slightly so he would be able to cup Yeonjun’s face, wiping the tears off it with his thumbs the way he knew it calmed the other down every time.

And, as expected, Yeonjun’s breath slowed down quickly as he closed his eyes and smiled softly. The tears stopped running but his skin was still heated and his cheeks were reddened. Only now Soobin noticed how exhausted he looked, how puffy his eyes were, way too much for it to only come from the crying just now. His hair was hidden under a beanie which he usually did when he was too upset to style it.

The younger one breathed in and gently lifted his hands from the other’s face, however, Yeonjun quickly grabbed them and placed them back on his jaw. His eyes fluttered open and Soobin wanted to drink the sight of him up entirely, wanting to never look away again.

“Don’t stop,” Yeonjun whispered. “Keep holding me. I want to be sure it’s real.” Soobin didn’t dare to utter a word in reply, too afraid the moment might break if he made a sound.

Instead, he gently caressed his beloved boy’s cheeks, Yeonjun’s soft skin feeling like everything he’d ever craved for as if he had been carved just to fit in the hold of Soobin’s fingers. It was so tender and yet the most intense sensation of his life.

Their eyes met again and Yeonjun’s eyes turned to crescents as a smile grew all over his face, beautiful as ever. Soobin wanted to take it all in, look at him more and more and study every feature dedicatedly.

But his eyes got stuck.

Lips, Yeonjun and his stupidly perfect looking lips. 

They were redder than usual, dry and chewed up but Soobin had never wished for anything more than he wished to kiss them right now, to find out how it would be to close his eyes and feel Yeonjun’s love. “What?” the other boy breathed out, licking his bottom lip. Soobin thought he might go insane.

“Do you think I can…?” he didn’t dare to say the word.

The older one hummed. “Yes… please.”

And although Soobin had pictured it in his head a million times just on this day alone, although his lips were just as chapped as the other’s, he had never felt as euphoric as he did when the distance between them closed. Yeonjun was gentle as always and while one of his hands slid under the taller boy’s pullover now to settle on his bare waist, they defied gravity. Soobin was in love , truly and entirely.

They parted way too quickly and a whine escaped his hoarse throat as Yeonjun’s head moved away from his own. “Wow.” he managed to say, earning another heavenly smile. His heart skipped another beat.

Yeonjun’s hold on his skin tightened and Soobin felt the spot where they touched burning up. “You’re going to drive me crazy.” He added.

“Good. I’m already crazy about you.” The air between them was electric and Soobin wanted nothing more than to freeze time and kiss Yeonjun over and over and everywhere.

Of course, reality caught up to them too quickly.

“Who’s at the door?” Beomgyu’s familiar voice was coming muffled out of his room and Soobin remembered the front door still wide open behind him.

Yeonjun didn’t stop looking into his eyes for even a second as he replied. “It’s Soobin.”

A few moments of silence were followed by a “Did you kiss?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, good. Was about time. I have to study so go to your room, though.” Beomgyu yelled. The other two broke into giggles.

Finally, Yeonjun loosened his hold. “God, you’re still standing outside. Come on, Binnie.” He pulled the taller one inside, closing the door before gently sliding the coat off Soobin’s shoulders. The latter let it happen, let Yeonjun touch him gently and lace their fingers, jacket discarded on the floor as he pulled him into the bedroom that Soobin knew all too well.

As soon as Yeonjun had shut the wooden room door he gently pushed the other against it, kissing him once more, sweetly and longingly, as if he had waited his whole life for it. Soobin kissed him back, his hands automatically finding the other’s thighs and pushing him up so he was carrying him. Yeonjun’s legs wrapped around his waist with ease while his arms crossed behind the taller boy’s neck. Somehow they stumbled towards the bed and Soobin sat down, the other now in his lap, separating from him with a grin.

“You’re good at this.” He muttered.

“I’ve practised in my head for days on end.”

Yeonjun laughed and Soobin thought he might grow addicted to the sound, his hands settling on his friend’s back and holding on tightly. “Binnie?”

“Hm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

Soobin knew he didn’t have answers to most questions. Still, he smiled. “Of course, anything.”

Yeonjun hummed. “How did you realise? That you love me too, I mean.”

This was the one question, the only one Soobin truly ever knew an answer to. He lifted one hand to pull the beanie off Yeonjun’s head and brush through his hair gently. Like he didn’t want anyone but himself to be able to do anymore.

“I admit it took me longer than it should have but… I realised that what we have is more than just friendship, you know? Like, take Beomgyu as an example. I adore him and trust him fully but… he doesn’t make me feel the same way. Doesn’t hold me the same way, doesn't listen to me the same way, doesn’t say my name the same way. And being without you for two weeks was— God, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. I thought I was going to die, honestly. And I couldn’t think of anything else except how hurt and mad you looked, it tore me apart.”

Yeonjun nodded gently, urging him to go on.

“Then Beomgyu told me about how— how people flirt with you all the time. And I never realised it but I was suddenly thinking about it. It made me furious, I couldn’t stand the thought of you looking at someone else the way you look at me. Of someone who isn’t me getting to know you like I do, getting to touch you like I do and feel about you the same way I do. I hated it. That’s when I knew.”

The older boy smiled, kissing him once more. “I could never love anyone as I love you,” he promised, fingertips trailing Soobin’s jaw. 

“You shouldn’t say that.”

“Why? I know it’s right.” 

A few seconds of silence followed yet again but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable, rather beautiful, sealing a million promises. “What now?” Soobin asked. Yeonjun laughed.

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t plan this far. What happens now?”

“Whatever you want, love. Just stay.”

“Well… I want to kiss you more.”

The older one giggled softly, nodding. “Okay then.”

•••

Early March was forgiving, offering an early spring with mild breezes, the first flowers blooming and trees showing off their new dresses. Birds sang and the sun shed its warmth all over. Soobin had changed his coat for a denim jacket, despite the scolding he got for it from Yeonjun. You’re going to catch a cold! It’s not even that warm yet .

But how could he not feel warm when the fire burning inside his chest filled every cell of his body with heat? How could he not feel warm when his soulmate hadn’t let go of his hand for longer than a university lecture? When it felt like things had been this way forever?

How could he ever feel cold with Yeonjun by his side who carried the moon and the stars in his eyes, the sun in his smile and the light of an ocean of fires in his presence?

While Beomgyu was off somewhere with his soon-to-be-boyfriend, Soobin and Yeonjun had sat down by the nearest convenience store after a long walk by the lover’s wall, two cans of ice tea in front of them along with a few fish-shaped buns that the older boy had insisted on buying.

They’d eaten them all the time at the beginning of their friendship and while the habit had slipped away the memories still were as present as ever and just looking at them made Soobin feel at home. Yeonjun took one, ripping open the wrapper and holding it up to the younger one’s face. “Eat some, love.” He said gently. “You didn’t eat much for lunch.”

Soobin allowed him to feed the bun to him and took a careful bite. The other laughed sweetly. He lifted his thumb up to the younger boy’s mouth, wiping something off the corner of it. “Twenty-one years old and you still can’t eat without making a mess?”

“Hey! It's not my fault they filled these up so much!” Soobin tried to defend himself. Yeonjun giggled.

“I’m just teasing you. It’s cute. You’re cute.”

It was now that the younger one noticed a silhouette that came closer all of a sudden. Another face he didn’t recognise, one he couldn’t categorise. He just took a sip from his beverage and watched the girl come close, not offering as much as a look. “Yeonjun! I was looking for you, you weren’t there at the lab class yesterday!”

“Ah, yeah. I had a doctor’s appointment.”

“I see! I hope you’re there again next week. It was so boring without you there.” She said, smiling at him and brushing her hair behind her ear. Soobin tensed up a little as he noticed her now obvious intentions. “Oh, by the way,” she continued, “the music majors are hosting a concert at the big auditorium next weekend and covering lots of popular songs. You like those, right? Me too, I’m totally into live music recently.”

Yeonjun nodded. “Yeah, I know! I was going to go with my boyfriend. He’s the one who kept dragging me to those concerts last year and made me start loving them.”

Her brows rose and her jaw dropped a little. “Your… boyfriend?” she asked, voice suddenly quiet. Ultimately, she glanced over at Soobin who waved at her. “What— I thought you two were just friends—” she began mumbling. Yeonjun grinned, grabbing Soobin’s hand on top of the table, making the younger boy blush inevitably.

“I know, right? It shocked me too. He’s totally out of my league, isn’t he? I still don’t know how I got lucky enough to pull him. I must have saved a nation in my past life! Isn’t he gorgeous? My boy.”

Soobin stared at the fish bun in his hand, unable to stop his heart from racing like crazy at the words. He felt his boyfriend squeeze his fingers lightly and he thought his heart might jump out of his chest.

“Oh. I see. Uh, congratulations.” The girl said, her face just as red as Soobin’s.

Yeonjun nodded. “Thank you! Anyways, if you're going too you should say hi if you see us.”

“Ah, yes, yes. Of course. Uhm— I have to get going.” She stuttered before walking off quickly.

“Yeonjun!” Soobin whispered, pulling his hand away to cover his face with his hands, trying to calm himself down. The other giggled, ruffling his hair.

“What? Embarrassed by your boyfriend ? I know you feel weird about people flirting with me. Isn’t it better if I make it clear to them that I already belong to the most beautiful boy in the world?”

Ah, Yeonjun and his stupidly charming self. Soobin loosened his hands just to immediately have his face grabbed by the other and being pulled into a sweet kiss. “I love you, Binnie! My Soobin.” the older whispered, their eyes meeting the way they did all the time. It still gave Soobin goosebumps.

“I love you too. I just didn’t expect you to say something like that so casually.”

“It’s true, though. I feel so lucky that I get to call you mine now. And I want everyone to know.”

Soobin smiled, leaning onto Yeonjun’s shoulder and taking his hand again. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

“Nonsense. I would have waited forever if I had to.”

“Are we going to the concert, though?”

Yeonjun chuckled. “Only if you give me another kiss. A long one.”

And of course, Soobin did.