Work Text:
“Hang in there, Dominick.”
She held his gaze for a moment before turning to leave. Rejected, her face flushed and eyes burned. The lump in her throat grew as she attempted to leave. She wanted to run, but managed to keep her composure until she reached her car. Once alone, she fell apart. Her face fell into her hands, raw emotion pouring out of her the only way she knew how, alone.
Back upstairs, Carisi tried to focus on the case, but his mind raced. Had he made a mistake? What was she really asking? There was something different about her tonight. She looked so beautiful, but she was so hard to read. He considered going after her, but just froze. He’d been through this before, just when he had decided to move on, there she was again. He felt sick, but was unwilling to put himself out there again. Instead, he refocused and got back to work.
Amanda arrived home and relieved the sitter. She turned off her phone and poured a drink, hoping to ease the pain in her chest. She curled into a ball and sobbed into the couch. How had things gone so wrong? All of these years, she was sure they were something more, but now it was clear, she was too late. As the girls slept peacefully down the hall, she wondered how she would possibly make it through the weekend, feeling the way she did. They needed something, a distraction. They needed to leave.
Their bags were packed before the sun came up. She moved quietly and placed everything by the door. When she finally heard them stir, she was ready to go. They grabbed a quick breakfast and headed for the door. When they reached the highway, Amanda finally turned on her phone. It was early, but she had to call her mother. When there was no answer, she left a quick message and said, “Hey Mom, it’s me. The girls and I are headed your way. I hope that’s ok, be there soon.” She ignored her other messages, turned the phone off and tossed it in her bag.
Carisi barely slept. There was no way to calm his thoughts without talking to her. He walked out to the kitchen and dialed her number. His stomach tightened as the call went directly to voicemail. She never turned her phone off... Now he knew for sure, she was hurt.
A short time later, Amanda and the girls arrived at her mother’s house. Beth Anne came out immediately. Pop-in visits were a very rare occurrence, so she knew something had to be wrong. Amanda faked a smile, but her mother saw the pain in her eyes. She looked awful, but didn’t have the energy to hide it. The girls, oblivious to any trouble, burst into the house. They were so excited to visit. As they went off to explore, Beth Anne tried talking to her daughter. “Well, this is unexpected. It’s so nice to see you girls.” Amanda replied, “Thanks, you too.” They both took a seat at the table and her mother paused briefly before asking, “So, are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Amanda glanced up, avoiding her stare and took a deep breath. “I was just thinking that I could use some time to myself. Work has been stressful and there’s a lot going on. I hate to ask, but do you think you could watch the girls for a few days?” Her mother was concerned, but knowing how private Amanda was, she couldn’t deny her. She replied, “of course I will, but I wish you would talk to me.” Amanda just shook her head, fighting the tears and responded, “I can’t.”
Soon after, Amanda was kissing the girls goodbye, saying she had to go away for work. She didn’t like lying, but she also didn’t want them to worry. The girls accepted her story and went back to their adventure. She hoped a few days alone would be enough to clear her head and figure out what was next. With that, she got back in her car and headed north, not knowing where she would end up.
Much like the previous night, Carisi spent the day worrying about Amanda. He kept calling, but her phone was still off. He didn’t leave a message, knowing that she likely didn’t want to hear his voice. He decided to send a quick text and give her some space, as much as he hated doing it. He typed and deleted many messages before he wrote, “Hey, I’ve been trying to call you, but your phone is off. I’d really love to talk to you about everything. Could you call me when you get this? I’m worried about you.” He sent the message and impatiently awaited her reply.
After a few hours, Amanda arrived in the Adirondacks. The tiny town was situated on a lake and there was nobody around. It seemed perfect. A quick rental search brought up a secluded cabin directly on the water. She booked three nights and headed that way, only stopping at a small convenience store for a few necessities. She arrived in the early afternoon and was immediately taken by the view. How could a place like this exist so close to the city? It was like another world. As the exhaustion of the last two days finally took over, she headed to the single bedroom to sleep.
Carisi kept checking his phone. It had been hours since he sent the text with no reply. She was avoiding him and he hated it. They went from partners to best friends to this, whatever this was. After all these years, she finally let her guard down and he pushed her away. The trust they had built disappeared in a matter of minutes. His head was spinning; he didn’t know what to do. He thought about going to her apartment, before talking himself down. He needed to give her space, but he wanted desperately to fix this. He tried calling a few more times, but still no answer. This is it, he thought, I’ve lost her for good.
When Amanda woke up, she sent a quick message to her Mom saying she was ok and to check on the girls. As she was putting her phone down, she saw the missed calls and the unread message. She tapped on it and finally read his text. Now he cares about me… now he’s worried, she thought as she found herself getting upset again. She had spent so much time working on herself and through her issues. Trying so hard to believe that she was deserving of a life she never could have imagined, just to realize she had been wrong. As the day wore on, she realized she would have to let Liv know what’s going on. Avoiding detail, she left a voicemail that said, “Liv, I’m sorry, but I will be out for a few days. I know there’s a lot going on right now, but I need some time to myself. I’ll let you know if anything changes. Again, I’m sorry.”
On Sunday morning, Carisi woke from a deep sleep. The last week had finally caught up with him. He immediately grabbed his phone, desperate to find Amanda’s response, but there was nothing there. His anxiety, stress and worry were now morphing into panic. He quickly got dressed and decided to visit her apartment. He arrived quickly and was soon knocking, then banging on her door. He thought the worst as he pulled her key out of his pocket. Opening the door only a few inches, he called into the apartment to announce his presence. “Amanda, girls…it’s Sonny. Are you here?” When he was met with silence, he continued into the apartment. Looking around nothing seemed out of place, but Frannie’s crate and their toothbrushes were gone. He sat at the table for a while before writing a note saying, ‘Amanda, I let myself in because I haven’t heard back from you. I wanted to make sure you were ok. I’m sorry about Friday night, please talk to me. I know you’re upset, but please just call me when you can.’
Liv and Noah were enjoying a relaxing Sunday before they stopped by the precinct to grab some files. She noticed the message light lit up on her desk phone, so she decided to check it before leaving. As she listened to the message from Amanda, her brow furrowed. It was very unusual for Amanda to take time off, much less three days. As they left her office, she racked her brain trying to remember if anything could have happened the week before to upset her. It bothered her all day, so late in the evening she decided to send her a quick text to check in.
Amanda looked down as her phone lit up with the message from Liv, which said, ‘Amanda, I received your voicemail and I just wanted to say, take all the time you need. I hope you know that you can talk to me about anything. I am always here for you. Please stay safe and keep me posted. Love you, Liv.’ Amanda was touched by her caring response. Now that work was covered, she had one less thing to worry about. She headed off to bed, hoping to sleep for more than a few hours.
When Monday morning came and there was still no response from Amanda, Carisi decided to stop by the precinct before work. When he stepped off the elevator, Amanda was nowhere to be seen. He scanned the room and headed for the Captain’s office. “Knock, knock,” he said while standing in her doorway. “Carisi, what brings you by so early?” He entered her office and sat in the chair facing her desk. Hesitantly, he asked, “So, where is Rollins today? She hasn’t returned my calls all weekend.” Olivia looked at him puzzled, wondering if something had happened between them. “Well, actually she took a few days off. She said she needed time to herself.” They both knew how out of character that was for her, so they just looked at each other for a moment. Carisi started, “Liv, I really messed up.” He put his face in his hands and ran his fingers through his hair. Olivia got up to close her door and turned back to ask, “Carisi, what happened?”
He started pacing around Liv’s office as he told her about Amanda’s visit on Friday night. How he had declined her invitation, not realizing at the time what she had been asking. He had been so caught up in the case and frustrated from the week that he didn’t take the time to hear what she was saying. If he was being honest, part of him had been angry with her for a while. Whenever it seemed like they might progress to something more, she pushed him away. But right now, he knew that no matter what had happened in the past, the fact was that he had hurt her, so much that she left and wasn’t returning his calls. He needed Liv to tell him what to do.
Olivia knew how special their connection was. She had always hoped they would find their way to each other. She felt terrible knowing her friends were in such pain. They sat quietly for a moment before Carisi asked, “Have you spoken with her?” Liv just shook her head and said, “No.” As he got up to leave, he asked, “Would you mind checking in with her? I know she won’t answer if I call.” Olivia agreed, so he waited outside while she tried. They locked eyes through her window and she mouthed the word, ‘voicemail’. She turned her back to him while she left a message. “Hey Amanda, it’s Monday morning. I just wanted to check in with you to see how you’re doing today. Can you give me a quick call when you have a chance? Talk to you soon.” She hung up and walked out of her office. Carisi thanked her for trying as they headed for the elevators. As the doors started to open, Liv’s phone rang. It was Amanda.
Liv walked briskly back to her office, with Carisi close behind. He stood in the doorway and listened as Liv asked Amanda about the girls and if she needed anything. Liv was quiet while Amanda assured her she was fine, the girls were with her mother and she would return in a few days. Liv was relieved to hear her voice and before hanging up, said quickly, “Carisi is here and he’s pretty worried about you. Do you have a minute to…” but Amanda cut her off. With her voice cracking, Amanda apologized and said that she couldn’t talk to him. Before Liv could say anything else, Amanda was gone. Carisi looked at Liv and asked, “She wouldn’t talk to me?” Liv somberly responded, “No.”
Carisi collapsed onto her couch and stared into the distance, “She’s never going to forgive me.” Liv, trying to encourage him, replied, “Of course she will. She just needs time.” Carisi wanted to believe her, but he knew Amanda too well. “No,” he said, “She trusted me and finally opened up and I pushed her away. We both know how guarded she is… I’ve lost her for good.” He slowly rose to his feet and made his way to her door. He thanked her for her help and turned to leave. “Carisi,” Liv called and he turned back to face her. “You have a choice to make; you can wait for her to come back. Or, you could…“ She paused as Carisi’s eyes met hers. He finally realized what he had to do. “You’re right Liv, I’ll find her.”
Carisi rushed home to change and make some calls. First, to Hadid, saying he had a family emergency and second, to Beth Anne. When she picked up, he could hear the girls playing in the background as he said, “Hi Beth Anne, this is Sonny.” She replied, “Hello Sonny, it’s nice to hear from you. Is everything ok?” He continued, “Of course, it’s just…Liv told me you were watching the girls while Amanda is away.” “Yes, they are right here. She dropped them off early on Saturday morning. Said she needed some time alone. Did something happen? She really didn’t say much.” His nerves were building again, “I just haven’t been able to reach her for a few days, how did she look when you saw her?” She became more serious, “Honestly Sonny, she looked awful. She hadn’t slept and I could tell she had been crying. I haven’t seen her like that in a very long time.” Carisi paused. “Beth, do you know where I can find her?” Hesitantly she said, “I have an idea, but she didn’t want anyone to know.” “I understand,” he said, “but it’s really important that I speak with her. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think our last conversation may have really hurt her. I just need to clear this up and I promise I’ll leave her alone.” She replied, “Sonny you know I would love to help you, but I don’t know exactly where she is. She only said that she rented a cabin on a lake upstate. I think it was called, Loon Lake.” Sonny smiled, “No, that’s a start, thank you so much for this, I really appreciate it. If you do hear from her, could you not mention that we spoke?” Beth Anne agreed, “Of course Sonny, good luck.”
The morning was beautiful, so Amanda decided to take a walk along the lake. This time of year was especially quiet, with summer visitors still weeks away. She found a bench on the edge of the forest and decided to take a rest. Liv’s call had been upsetting, but the peaceful sounds of the water helped to ease her mind.
Carisi was finishing packing an overnight bag before leaving his apartment. He wasn’t sure how long it would take to find her, but he wasn’t coming back until he did. He ran out to his truck and loaded the destination into his app. Five hours and forty-five minutes, but now he was on his way.
Back at the cabin, Amanda was enjoying the sun on the deck. She couldn’t help thinking about everything that happened and wondered how she had gotten it so wrong. Just like that, the tears were back. She had foolishly allowed herself to imagine a perfect life with Dominick and the girls. Without that hope for the future, she felt empty. For someone who had many relationships in her life, she couldn’t understand why this hurt so badly. She tried to calm herself by taking deep breaths, but she was so tired. She headed to the bedroom knowing that sleep was the only way to ease the pain in her chest.
Carisi reached the small town in record time. He had never been that far north before and was taken by the beauty of the small seasonal village. He stopped at a local store seeking information on lakefront rentals. He was directed to a small board by the entrance with a number of postings and a local realtor listed. Back in his car, he called the number and requested info on all active listings, which they happily forwarded. Carisi mapped out the locations and started his search, hoping to spot her car. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, but it was his best shot at finding her.
A short time later and only by chance, he spotted her Jeep at a small cabin set back from the road. He parked at the end of the driveway, trying to collect his thoughts before facing her. He took a deep breath and started down the gravel path. Inside, Amanda was woken by the sound of a vehicle approaching. That’s weird, she thought. Who would be coming down here? She peeked through the curtains just in time to see Carisi getting out of his truck. She was shocked, but she was also a mess. Carisi took his time walking up the steps to the door. His heart was beating out of his chest and he hoped he wouldn’t startle her. After two quick knocks and a short pause, Amanda came to the door. Looking down to avoid his eyes, she quietly asked, “Carisi, what are you doing here?”
“You haven’t returned my messages.” He said, “Can I come in?” Amanda stepped aside and slowly walked toward the living room. Carisi shut the door and followed behind. She sat down in the arm chair and brought her knees up under her chin, facing away from him. He took the seat at the end of the couch, closest to her. For a while, they sat in silence. She looked so sad. It broke his heart to know he had hurt her. He leaned forward in his seat as he started to speak. “I’m sorry about the other night. I had an awful day and I guess I didn’t realize what you were asking me.” She put her head down, she was so embarrassed. “Amanda, hey,” he said as he moved to the coffee table directly in front of her. “When you came in that night, looking so beautiful, it took all of my strength to say no to you. In the last few months, I had finally accepted that it was never going to happen for us. I tried to put some distance between us because I knew that I would never be able to move on with my life with the way things were. I have wanted this for so long, but anytime it got close, we stopped. It just hurt too much to be around you.” He stopped as she suddenly looked up, but then continued, “This distance between us, not seeing you or the girls, has killed me. I have missed you so much. You are my best friend and the only one I want to talk to at the end of each day.” He sighed and dropped his head in his hands, nervously running his hands over his face. Amanda looked at him and finally responded, “I’ve missed you too.”
Carisi picked up his head and she finally met his eyes. He slowly reached out and placed his hands on her knees. “Amanda, you and I would be so good together. We have always supported each other during the good and bad times, but… there is one thing we are really terrible at.” Amanda asked softly, “And what’s that?” He answered, “We are really bad at being honest about our feelings with each other.” Amanda nodded, she had to agree. “So, let’s change that. I’ll go first… Amanda, I have never told you that I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you. That nobody else remotely compares to you. Even if it never happened for us and I married someone else, I would always wonder about you. I also never admitted how much it hurt me to see you with other men, knowing that I would treat you better than they ever could. Also, how angry it made me to see you hurt. I’m sorry that I never had the courage to tell you. I hope it’s not too late.”
Amanda was not surprised by what he said, only by the fact that he actually said it, out loud, after all these years. Now it was her turn to respond and she knew he deserved the same honesty from her. She changed her position so she could hold his hands. After a quick pause, she said, “It’s always been really hard for me to be open about my feelings. When I showed up at your office on Friday, I wasn’t looking for something casual, or for one night. I was finally ready to tell you how I felt and hoped it would be the start of something really amazing. When I left, I was devastated. I thought I had missed my chance and you had moved on.”
Carisi started to respond, but she cut him off. “Just let me say it, ok?” He nodded and she continued. “Nothing has ever hurt like that. I’ve been in relationships and through breakups before, but nothing has ever scared me like that. The thought that it would never happen for us, was just too much to take. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your messages and calls, that was wrong, but I didn’t know what to say. I should’ve just talked to you, rather than running away.” Carisi smiled and responded, “No, I get it, but that’s something we’ll have to work on, if this,” motioning between them, “is going to work.” Amanda leaned closer and said, “I want it to, so badly, but this is all new to me.” Carisi replied, “It’s new to me too, but who better to learn with?”
Relief washed over Amanda. She smiled and took her first deep breath in three days. Carisi stood and slowly pulled her up in front of him. He smiled and asked, “So, Rollins, are we doing this?” She looked into his eyes and happily responded, “Yes.” As they both leaned in, Carisi stopped suddenly and said, “Just so you know, if you let me kiss you, that’s it, you’re stuck with me for good.” Amanda felt her face flush and thoughtfully responded with, “Ok Counselor, deal.”
The next morning, Amanda woke in Carisi’s embrace. He had been awake for a bit, but didn’t want to disturb her. She ran her fingers softly up and down his arms, causing him to hold tighter. She relaxed into him with a contented sigh and asked, “Do you want to know something crazy?” He replied, “Of course.” She looked back at him and said, “I’m lying in a stranger’s bed, in a town I’ve never been to, but I feel safer right now than I ever have before.” Carisi’s chest swelled with joy as he said, “Good, that’s my job now and you know I take my work very seriously.”