Chapter Text
As a child, Suga was…larger than most of the other girls in her class. She had to wear a bra at age nine, a couple of years before her classmates did. She always had rolls in her stomach and back, her arms flabby. Her thighs always stuck together when she wore shorts.
Sugawara Koushi hated her body.
For her entire life, Suga had looked at other girls, envious of their skinny body types. The older she got, the more envious she became. She watched as her classmates gathered attention from the cute boys while they never looked at her twice.
Her classmates wore cute and fashionable clothing but the same clothing on Suga looked terrible, or so she thought. The girls started making fun of her, calling her cruel names based on her weight. The boys would pinch at her arms, calling her gross.
The older it got, the more Suga got used to it. That didn’t mean it stopped hurting.
For years, Suga had tried to love her body. She tried to look at herself in the mirror, to tell herself she was beautiful just the way she was. But she never believed herself. She tried to ignore the mean comments on her weight from teachers and classmates alike but it always got to her.
By the time she reached high school, Suga felt unloveable. Almost of her classmates and friends had been in relationships by the time they reached high school, Suga had never been asked out before. Each year rolled around with Suga never being approached by a boy, any boy, she got more and more disheartened.
When she got to high school, she started to skip meals. At first it was just breakfast, then it was lunch. She ate dinner every night with her family, however, which she thought was more than enough calories for her.
Early on in her first year, she joined the Karasuno Volleyball Team. Suga had started playing back in middle school because her mom wanted her to lose weight by playing a sport. Slowly, Suga fell in love with the sport, fell in love with setting.
Suga knew she was gay by her third year of middle school. There was a beautiful girl on her team, silky black hair and captivating green eyes. Suga always wondered why her breath stopped when her friend would look at her after practice when they headed over to the locker room. When she got to high school, Suga confidently knew she was a lesbian. She never felt the way about men that her friend made her feel. As she got older, she would find more women appealing, fully discovering her sexuality.
It turns out that there were a lot of gay girls on the Karsuno volleyball team. Their first year, Suga thought she was the only queer woman. Daichi seemed painfully straight and Asahi was too anxious to have romantic feelings. Their second year, Daichi started to date Yui, a first year on the girl’s basketball team. They were a cute couple, Suga loved seeing them smile around each other. After their Interhigh Tournament, Asahi starting dating Noya, a spitfire first year libero.
Once again, Suga was the only single friend. Daichi was thick, but in a muscled kind of way. Yui was shaped beautifully, thick thighs and a skinny waist. Noya was tiny, short and skinny but still toned. Asahi was insanely tall and well muscled. And Suga was…Suga.
Even in the summer, Suga wore tights with her school uniform. She hated having her eyes on display for anyone to see. Someone always made fun of how large her thighs were. She always wore the sweater over her uniform, hiding her body. It helped lessen the comments on her stomach and arms. Each summer, she’d watch all of the other girls change their uniform, jealous that she couldn’t.
Despite Suga joining volleyball and eating usually only one and a half meals a day, she didn’t lose a lot of weight. In the back of her mind, she knew it was because of her genetics. Her mom looked just like her and her grandmother as well. But Suga thought that if she tried hard enough, she could make herself look like all of the other beautiful girls in her class, like Shimizu.
Shimizu was beautiful.
Suga harbored a crush on Shimizu for almost two years. It went away after Shimizu started dating Tanaka, a well muscled first year winged spiker on their team. Suga prayed that one day, someone would ask her out like Shimizu had been asked out by Tanaka or Yui by Daichi. Was that too much to ask for?
Suga pushed away all thoughts of dating by her third year. She knew that no one at Karasuno would ask her out so she pushed it out of her mind, instead focusing on the starting setter spot. After three years of hard work and dedication, the starting spot was finally his. He had been looking forward to tossing to Daichi and Asahi on the court every game, becoming the control tower for the Karasuno.
That didn’t last long.
A few weeks into their third year, first year legend Kageyama Tobio handed in her club form along with unknown Hinata Shoyo.
The second Daichi grabbed the paper from Kageyama, Suga knew that she wouldn’t be the starting setter for much longer.
But Suga was a fighter, so she did everything in her power to remain the starting setter. She stayed late at night practicing her sets and once she got home she’d watch videos on line helping her learn to improve her technique.
It didn’t matter. Kageyama took over her starting spot when they were scheduled to play Aoba Joshai for a practice match.
They could only play under the condition that Kageyama was the starting setter, according to their captain Oikawa Tooru.
Of course Suga has heard of Oikawa, the best setter in the prefecture, not to mention an actual goddess.
Oikawa Tooru was everything Sugawara wasn’t: beautiful and good at volleyball.
Upon walking into the gym, Sugawara thought she had entered a realm full of goddesses. The Women’s Volleyball Team at Seijoh was full of athletic looking powerful women. And Oikawa wasn’t even there yet!
Their stand-in captain, Iwaizumi, was an attractive butch woman. With a slit in her eyebrow, Iwaizumi was the beautiful type of intimidating.
From the sidelines, Suga watched the game. It hurt, to see his team out there with him on the sidelines. Though he was more than happy to help out Sensei, it still stung to watch Kageyama be the one standing on the court. Suga knew it was the right choice, that Kageyama was astronomically better than Suga would ever be.
But just like the teasing comments about her weight, the hurt never disappeared no matter how long it went on.
Watching Hinata and Kageyama’s freak quick took that pain away the slightest bit. It felt even better to mentor Kageyama about his social skills on the court. Suga could say with confidence that she was better with communication than Kageyama was. Her and the only non-starting first year Yamaguchi chatted throughout the game.
She liked Yamaguchi, saw herself in her even. Yamaguchi was upset that she wasn’t on the court, just like Suga. The two got along quite well. Yamaguchi had a similar body type to Suga but was way taller and wore it better than Suga did.
The game was a chaotic mess, Hinata freaking out in her first practice match as a high schooler. Suga couldn’t blame her, Hinata didn’t really have any legitimate volleyball experience. Daichi was still settling in as captain and the team felt empty without Asahi and Noya.
At the very end of the third set, the door opened. Oikawa Tooru herself walked through the doors. Through Suga had seen her in passing and on magazine covers, Suga wanted to pass out at the sight of Oikawa.
As a lesbian, Suga regular asked herself: Do I want to be her or be with her?
And without a doubt, the answer was both.
Oikawa was the definition of beauty. Her thick chestnut hair pulled back into a high pony tail, still going down to her mid back even when tied up. She was tall, her legs and arms toned. She had a sharp jaw and high cheekbones. Her eyes matched her hair perfectly. Suga wasn’t sure she had played eyes on a more beautiful person.
Oikawa Tooru took the ball from Iwaizumi, twirling it in her perfectly manicured, thin hands. They weren’t like Suga’s pudgy ones.
The absolute power in Oikawa’s serves were breath taking. The speed and intensity were shocking, but the sheer control she had on them was even more amazing. She aimed it perfectly at Tsukkishima, knowing that the first year wasn’t great at receiving.
Suga was captivated by Oikawa Tooru, her presence kept Suga’s eyes locked on her. Oikawa walked like she owned the court, which she did. Oikawa was a powerful kind of beautiful. It was amazing to watch her control the court.
Of course, Suga was envious of her. Not only for her looks but as a fellow setter.
Oikawa brought out the best in each of her spikers, allowing them to perform at their full capacity. Her setter dumps could be powerful or sneaky, proving that she was the boss of the court.
And she was just so intelligent. You could see the gears turning in her brain after every play, analyzing the new information she was processing, using it to make her team better.
Suga wanted to be her, wanted to be that good of a setter. Wanted to be that skinny and that beautiful. However, Suga wanted to be with her. Wanted to be with a person who was that amazing and beautiful. Oikawa looked like such a fun and intense person and Suga wanted to get to know her, at the very least be friends with her. Suga admired Oikawa deeply and wished they could be friends.
From what she observed of Oikawa, she thought they would make a good pair.
But Oikawa would never be friends with Suga because Oikawa was so far out of her league that Suga would need a telescope to see her. Plus, Oikawa and the rest of the third years seemed extremely tight knit with each other.
Suga wasn’t sure why she was fantasizing about something she could never have. But Oikawa wasn’t the same old Karasuno girls that never gave Suga a second glance. Oikawa was a star shining in the sky. Oikawa Tooru was brilliant and beautiful. Oikawa Tooru was unbelievable in all of the best ways.
At the end of their practice match, she got to shake hands with Oikawa. The smile that Oikawa gave her was charming. Despite her nerves, Suga returned the smile with one of her own. The smile that she used as a defense against the cruel world.
She leaned that if she just smiled at the teens bullying her, they would frown and go away, usually calling her a freak. But it got them to go away.
However, Suga didn’t notice Oikawa stare at her after Suga moved on to the next handshake, rewarding Oikawa with a slap on the back of the head from Iwaizumi. Suga didn’t see Oikawa’s calculating brown eyes analyze Suga from the sidelines.
Instead, Suga was too wrapped up in her own thoughts to notice any of that. Even if she had, what would she have done about it? Suga had the confidence of a baby deer when it came to dating. There wasn’t anything she could do along the lines of flirting and romance.
So that night she went home, staring at her body in the mirror, wishing that she was skinnier.
Maybe if she was skinnier, she’d have a girlfriend by now. But she wasn’t skinnier and she wasn’t ever going to be skinnier.
Suga had learned to accept that she wouldn’t be treasured the way she had truly wanted, the way her friends were. She still harbored wishes of being skinny and beautiful, her heart filling with dread every time she looked in the mirror.
Because of this, she ate even less than she had been.
A few weeks before the Interhigh Tournament, Suga passed out at practice.
She had been woozy, something that happened during most intense practices. Usually, she would drink enough water to sustain her until she got home and went straight to sleep.
But her body finally had enough.
When she woke up, the first person she saw was Daichi.
“Suga…” Daichi shot up from where she had been slumped over in the bed.
“Dai?” Suga croaked, her voice dry.
“Hey, Suga.” She leaned forward, taking Suga’s hand in hers.
“Dai, what happened?” Her head was foggy, she couldn’t focus.
“You passed out, Sug. The doctors said you were malnourished. Suga, have you not been in eating?” Though it was said softly, Suga couldn’t help but look away. “Hey, it’s okay. No judgement here Suga.”
Suga felt tears well in her eyes. She noticed her parents weren’t here.
“They’re at work still. They’ll be here when they get off work.” Daichi answered her internal question. Being friends for almost three years allowed them to read each other like the back of their hands.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Daichi asked softly. At this point, no she didn’t. But she knew she should.
“Oh, Sugawara, you’re awake.” A doctor walked into the room. Suga nodded at the man. “How are you feeling?”
“Um, okay.” She whispered, looking away. She was embarrassed to be here.
“Good,” he said softly. “You were extremely malnourished. Based on our calculations, you were eating under one thousand calories a day. Is that true?”
“Yeah.” Suga looked down at her pale hands, one arm stuck with an IV.
“Would you like to proceed with this conversation with Sawamura out of the room?” The doctor asked gently.
“She can stay.” Suga couldn’t do this without her.
“Why weren’t you eating?”
“I…” Suga coughed, trying to clear her throat. “It started my first year of high school. I felt so fat, so ugly and I thought that by eating I would lose weight. I never really kicked the habit of skipping breakfast. I usually would eat something for lunch. By my third year I usually ate dinner but that was about it. I just don’t really feel hungry. And I really hadn’t been gaining any weight so I didn’t do anything to start eating again.”
Tears slid down her cheeks. She had never admitted this out loud to anyone.
“I see.” She heard the doctor writing something on her chart. “Okay, Sugawara. My official diagnosis is anorexia as well as body dysmorphia. We are going to be sending you to a nutritionist as well as a therapist, is that alright?”
Well Suga couldn’t say no, could she? Instead of a verbal response, she just nodded.
“We will talk about this more when you’re parents get here.” With that, the doctor left.
“Suga, this has been going on for two years?” Daichi whispered, her brown eyes wide. Sniffling, Suga nodded.
“Yeah.” She wiped her face with the back of her hand.
“Suga why didn’t you say something?” Of course, Daichi was always so protective of Suga.
“How was I supposed to tell you that I feel disgusting looking at myself in the mirror? That I feel gross compared to literally every other girl on the planet? That I am fat and disgusting?” At this point, Suga was sobbing uncontrollably. Next to her, Daichi gently rubbed her arm, the one without the IV.
“Suga, oh Suga.” Daichi sighed. “I wish you didn’t feel that way. I am so sorry you think those horrible things about yourself.”
“Me too.” Defeated, Suga sighed. Daichi was a good friend.
When her parents arrived, they were upset with Suga. Not upset that their only daughter was in a hospital bed, they were upset that they had to pick her up at the hospital before going home. Her parents had always been work first kind of people. Both her parents were lawyers, dedicating their time to their jobs as opposed to Suga. Once Suga had reached high school, they stopped paying for a live in nanny to take care of her. She lived practically by herself, with her parents spending many long nights at the office.
So they didn’t really talk to her as loving parents would have. They were disappointed that her illness had gotten his bad, not that she was ill at all. After they got home, they didn’t speak about it again.
The good thing about having successful lawyer parents was that Suga had a car and drove herself to therapy and to her dietician.
Slowly, very slowly, she got her eating back on track. She gained more weight but physically she was feeling significantly better. Suga still hated her body, hated how she looked, but she was working on that.
She would keep working on that. It wasn’t going to be an easy fix, she knew that. But she had to try. Slowly, she was learning to stop hating herself.
There were still days where she felt gross in her own body but stye were slowly becoming less and less frequent. Her relationship with food gradually improved, now she was getting sufficient calories.
Suga wasn’t healed, but recovery wasn’t fast or linear. What mattered is that she was trying.
In the middle of her third year, she was accepted to Tohoku University for their art program. In her three years struggling with an eating disorder, Suga had turned to art. She had been channeling all of energy onto art in order to distract her from the violent thoughts inside her head. At Karasuno she started taking more art electives to increase her skill. She fell in love with it, drawing every single day. She drew human body art, trying to draw larger women in order to make Suga feel better about her body shape. It helped a little.
“Do you know who your roommate is going to be?” Daichi asked her one day during like, Yui sitting right next to her.
“No. It’s random assignment.” Suga didn’t mind though, he was just excited to meet new people. He cherished his friends but he was ready for university.
“Are you going to keep playing volleyball? I hear they’re pretty competitive.” At her own words, Asahi blanched. “I didn’t mean…”
“Azumane, it’s fine. I know what you meant.” Suga laughed lightly. “Yeah I want to keep playing volleyball. Besides art it’s my favorite thing to do. I can’t imagine giving it up. Plus, I need to get my starting position back.”
“Good.” Daichi smiled at Suga, happy that her friend had been doing better than a few months ago when she was in the hospital.
“Are you excited?” Yui asked.
“I can’t wait.”
Though she had no idea what was ahead of her, Suga couldn’t wait to get to university.
She didn’t know that university would bring her so much joy and good experiences that she couldn’t possible fathom while still in high school.
Suga was counting down the days until her move in day.