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“You know, ever since that thing y’all discussed on live television, you both haven’t been the same.”
Jeonghan has a habit of spelling out the elephant in the room, and Seungcheol has a love-hate relationship with that aspect of Jeonghan’s personality. This pesky habit tends to force Seungcheol to confront his feelings in the most inappropriate place. Usually, the comments are directed to other members that he’s able to join the nagging, but today, he’s Jeonghan’s victim.
“You know,” Seungcheol stares into the mirrors of the dance studio and fixes his posture, “it’s four in the morning, and I’m sorry I dragged you into practice because of my insomnia, but I didn’t come here to have a therapy session.”
Seungcheol runs the choreography slowly, focusing too much on the details. He tries to not think about the implications of Jeonghan’s words. They’re so close to another online concert, and he would rather spend time giving everything to the world than to think about the past. Specifically, the past Jeonghan is referring to.
“Man, I’m just saying. You and Jihoonie had an argument that should’ve, probably, been discussed in private, but it was kept in the final cut, and the issue wasn’t resolved at all because it was kept in the cut. It’s been what,” Jeonghan counts his fingers, completely forgetting the practice they’re supposed to be practicing, “like 6 years?”
Seungcheol hates to think about that past. The Seventeen Project was and still is a feverish nightmare. Seven episodes of challenges that lowkey served as hazing at the time. They’re practically a frat based on that experience in 2015.
Yet, they succeed and grow everyday because it was their debut. A meaningful one. One that shouldn’t be ruined by that episode.
“It happened. It’s done. I can’t go back and fight with the producers and the CEO. It can’t be changed. Let’s move on.” Seungcheol throws his arms harder than he should. His legs stretch too much in places that shouldn’t. He doesn’t want to think about the crying. The friendship that used to be—
“Coups-ya, do you really want to forget? You really want to move on from the partner you had before we came in?” Jeonghan sits on the floor and faces him. He has his arms on his knees, holding his face with one palm. Seungcheol’s patience wants to burn, but he tries to restrain his emotions. It’s too early to think about anything or everything. He stops mid-move. The reflection of himself is a sweaty and frustrated person. His black hair is messy on his forehead, chest rising and falling, and his eyes hold a deep look. Jihoon ‘s tears flash in his head for a moment. Guilt rises quickly in his chest, and Seungcheol closes his eyes and shakes his head like the memories will fall and disappear.
“I know it’s been a while, but I’ve been thinking—”
“Jeez, please don’t strain yourself.” Seungcheol sits next to Jeonghan and steals his water bottle.
“—I’ve been thinking,” Jeonghan glares, “you should, I don’t know, reconnect? Apologize? Bring it up?”
“Why.” Seungcheol demands. He squeezes the empty bottle into a smaller size and capping it. He throws it towards the trash can. It doesn’t land inside. Last time Seungcheol spoke to Jihoon was at the latest team leader meeting. The members are in full work mode for the performances. There’s no time to address something so complicated in the middle of chaos.
“Because it’s painful to see both of you uncomfortable as fuck when you are a unit with him at a photoshot. Where the task is to show affection and one looks constipated while the other one tries hard not to combust.” Jeongha stretches his legs out and his arms lay limp by his sides. Seungcheol doesn’t want to think about that photoshoot either. The photographer wanted a cutesy concept because of the height difference, which Jihoon hates to indulge at any given moment. Seungcheol could tell Jihoon wanted to run away, but Seungcheol felt happy to have some familiarity with Jihoon’s affection.
“I don’t think he cares anymore. We were kids. Too young and too naive. You know how we were. Sometimes we took the joke too far.” Seungcheol closes his eyes and rests his head against the mirror behind him. Sleep is slowly creeping into his muscles, finally feeling tired and ready to sleep for another schedule. Tomorrow (technically today) is another day of frantic preparations, and Soonyoungs’ insistence for another practice run.
“Think about it,” Jeonghan nudges him with his elbow, “at least think about it and stop pushing back.”
He can feel Jeonghan stand up. Seungcheol doesn’t feel like opening his eyes yet. He finally feels exhaustion get to his head, like too weak to open his eyelids.
“And we still take jokes too far,” Jeonghan says as the door to the studio squeaks, “but this time we discuss it as a group. We talk about it. Like adults.”
The door shuts with a quiet click. Seungcheol finally opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling. The lights are off. Jeonghan probably did that before leaving.
After a few weeks of schedules and preparations, their online concert streamed smoothly. Some technical difficulties here and there, but those are normal complications. It wouldn’t be a proper event without them. Jeonghan didn’t bring up the pending conversation, but it definitely works in haunting Seungcheol every waking moment since he can’t stop thinking how to approach Jihoon.
Unfortunately, he's been avoiding the producer since the concert. Not that Jihoon cared how much they talk on a regular basis. They barely talk privately unless they’re filming or recording.
“Hey.”
A mini heart attack jump-starts Seungcheol’s nerves. He almost spills his beer. It’s Jihoon.
“The kids want to buy more drinks, are you getting this round?”
Seungcheol wears his heart on his sleeve. He knows he’s being obvious by how he’s not making eye contact. For fucks sake, they all live together.
“Uh, yeah, I’m gonna leave in a bit, too, so tell them to hurry up so I can pay.” Seungcheol takes out his wallet and walks away from his seat. The bar they chose is empty. Only the thirteen of them remain filling the space with yells and laughter. The food rests warm in their bellies, and the younger ones want to have fun on a rare night like tonight. It’s not surprising they want to drink and let loose before they all get busy again.
“Coupsie, don’t leave,” Seungkwan moans from his seat.
“Yeah, stay,” Joshua rises to stand next to him at the register. Seungcheol doesn’t have the energy to say yes.
“Sorry, I’m tired. I want to sleep.”
“Insomnia again? Can’t sleep?” Joshua rests his arm on his shoulders.
Seungcheol says ‘yeah’ while handing his card to the owner. His members try to convince him to stay, but Seungcheol wants to lay on his bed with the TV on as he drifts to sleep. Jeonghan raises his eyebrow at him when he’s saying his goodbyes. Jihoon isn’t even facing him, too preoccupied with whatever Soonyoung is screaming about.
‘Shutup’ Seungcheol mouths and Jeonghan rolls his eyes.
“He’s gonna say something,” Jeonghan pants, and Seungcheol is over this situation.
They’re all in the dancing studio today. Rehearsals for a stage performance. The members are laying about, catching their breath before the next round of choreography. Staff and background dancers fill every inch of space. Jihoon is on the far right, sitting next to Dino and laughing at Seungkwan’s antics.
“Who’s gonna say something?” Joshua asks as he stands next to Jeonghan, guiding his limbs to the correct positions. Seungcheol is also following Joshua's instructions.
“Don’t—” Seungcheol grits his teeth as Jeonghan babbles like the gossiper he is.
“He’s avoiding Jihoonie.”
“Why?”
“‘Cause he’s dumb and slow.”
“ Hey! ”
“You see? He can’t even sleep nowadays because he’s mulling over it.”
“Ah, so that’s why…”
“We’re in public and you wanna tell my secrets?” Seungcheol playfully grabs Jeonghan by the collar.
“C’mon, who do you think I consulted before I brought it up,” Jeonghan chuckles and Joshua whispers a ‘sorry.’ Seungcheol lets go and makes sure no one is eavesdropping. Because Jeonghan isn’t the only one born to talk shit, there are other members that love to dig the grave deeper.
“Look, I never said it would be an immediate action after we talked. I’m waiting for the right time—”
“There’s never a correct time,” Joshua says. Seungcheol lets go of Jeonghan, ready to bully Joshua instead.
“And why are you acting like you’re about to confess your feelings? You're just gonna talk. That’s all. Feelings can come later.” Jeonghan laughs as Seungcheol lunges back at him. Joshua intervenes by trying to get in between them.
“Seungcheol has feelings for who?”
All three ‘95 liners immediately quiet down. Seungcheol can feel his heart pump out of his chest. He releases Jeonghan, and Joshua faces the intruder.
“What!” Joshua fakes a grin and throws a glance at Jeonghan, “are you talking about?”
When Seungcheol turns around, Joshua attempts to divert the conversation by hugging Soonyoung, but it’s too late because everyone heard. The closest being Dokyeom and Jun, but he can tell Jihoon heard because he’s now looking over, too.
“Sorry, bro.” Jeonghan whispers as he joins Joshua’s hussle.
There’s never a peaceful day in this team.
Seungcheol walks into the recording studio alone. He plays with his fingers, intertwining and popping them until the door finally opens again. Jihoon and Dokyeom stumble in laughing, and Seungcheol places his hands on his knees. He can only notice Jihoon’s slides and Adidas pants. He’s too anxious to see above the waistline, feeling like getting caught for doing something wrong.
This month Seungcheol started showing symptoms of severe anxiety. He tried to play it off and continue pushing forward for the sake of the team’s latest comeback and promotions, but Jeonghan pulled him aside one day and Seungcheol lost his composure. An anxiety attack in the middle of the day is never a good sign, and especially when your best friend has to comfort and assign the second in command to take over the rest of the day.
“Hyung! You’re early. I brought drinks!” Dokyeom says as he takes out soju and strawberry milk. Seungcheol’s hands shoot straight to the soju bottle and takes two shots in under a minute. Despite his public break, internal company work must still be dealt with. As the general leader, he still needs to put in some hours.
When Jihoon sits next to him, Seungcheol mentally thanks Dokyeom’s thoughtfulness because this week is production week, and there will be a lot of writing and one-on-one discussions with Jihoon. Starting tomorrow, Seungcheol thinks as he pours the next shot, he will bring a buddy every time he comes to Jihoon’s studio.
After a long session of waiting for the other unit members and discussing the next concept, Seungcheol starts to feel like his soul might float out of his body. His anxiety jitters his limbs, feeling like anything sudden could set him off. He wiggles his fingers, trying to gain any feeling on his hands, and he squeezes his right fist until pain flares from his nails digging into his skin. He shivers as the room gets colder and maybe it’s time to go home.
“Coupsie, tell us about this person you have feelings for!” It’s past midnight. Not too late to run away on a bathroom leak because they’ve all been drinking after they finished work. Jihoon might’ve tried to connect with him with a conversation (or on anything), but ever since Seungcheol started his hiatus last week, avoidance has become his favorite sport.
“Junie, my dongsaeng,” Seungcheol hugs him on the couch they’re all gathered at. Seungcheol smiles his charming grin with squinty eyes. The one he knows disarms his fans, “You’re too young to know adulty things.”
“I’m only like, a year younger than you, huyng,” Jun is cute when he whines, but Seungcheol realizes he can’t hide his frantic nerves anymore. He stands while patting Jun’s back.
“Good attempt. You failed.” Seungcheol snickers at Jun’s protests while he stumbles a bit trying to get to the restroom. He unzips his pants and sighs in relief. Maybe he can dip now. Send a text when he arrives at the dorm. Sounds like a plan. No need to spend more time in a room with him. With his lost friend of the past.
“You’re being weird,” Seungcheol hears another zipper two stalls to his right, “I don’t know what I did but the kids are noticing that you’re being weird.”
Jihoon is a straightforward person. No bullshiting when he needs answers. He’s too busy and too high-strung to listen to someone beat around the bush. Seungcheol likes his honesty and his objectiveness to things. He could almost say that it was one of the things he started to like about Jihoon. How he’s not afraid to express himself. An exceptional development since he cried about his insecurities in front of Seungcheol. In front of the camera crew.
“I’m not being weird,” Seungcheol mumbles. He zips his pants and heads to the sinks. Anything to get his mind out of the gutter, “I’m just drunk. We all get weird when we’re drunk.”
Jihoon stands next to him, washing his hands along with him. The running water is the deafening sound between them. Seungcheol knows Jihoon is staring through the mirror. He can feel it on his skin, and it’s not helping his shaking fingers that haven’t stopped since he walked in Jihoon’s studio.
“Hyung—”
Seungcheol can’t do this. He knows what his actions caused. He knows he fucked up. He knows he’s to blame. Every year he questions if he did the correct thing. Was discussing his argument with Jihoon on television right? Of course it was fucked up. Of course he was wrong.
“Look at me.” Jihoon’s tone is low and tight. Seungcheol shakes his head. No. He’s not ready. Not like this. Not when he’s letting his fears take control of his emotions.
“I’m gonna go. I’ll text the group chat when I get home.” And just like that, Seungcheol almost sprints towards the front of the building. Never looking back. Never looking at Jihoon’s face. Whatever expression he had, Seungcheol won’t allow himself to imagine it. His long-time friend. His only time where he felt romantic feelings towards a man. Seungcheol feels shame burn under his clothes. His ears feel hot and his neck tenses into a stiff rod.
Would Jihoon know? How much he cared for him during pre-debut days? Would he know that Seungcheol was treading a thin line between friendship and feelings? Was he obvious with his sentiments?
Was he being obvious now?
Jeonghan and Joshua back down after seeing Seungcheol mope in his room for a while. Not really in front of the members, but they all collectively start minding his space and his alone time. The members feel like they’re walking on eggshells whenever Seungcheol asks for a team meeting. They don’t bring up the nights he leaves early. Just discussing arguments among themselves where they bleed into interviews Seungcheol monitors during his break.
Today, Jeonghan and Joshua drag Seungcheol out of his room and reserve an ice cream shop as an attempt to cheer him up before going back to work.
“I can’t believe you’ve been avoiding this for almost 7 years. I don’t understand what changed. Why are you torturing yourself like this?” Jeonghan’s words slice at Seungcheol a bit. Joshua nods as he delves into his ice cream.
“This is an official intervention. We have to talk about it. You’ve let this issue run too long.” Jeonghan says in between slurps. He basically inhales his strawberry ice cream. Seungcheol stares at his coffee flavored ice cream with sprinkles. Maybe coffee won’t help him today with his anxiety.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, buddy, but I had my first anxiety attack of the year, and, personally , I feel like it’s been setting me back.” Seungcheol stabs his cup with his tiny spoon, “I know we all deal with our issues because we are full-time artists and sometimes you can’t keep up with celebrity life. I just never dealt with something so heavy.”
Seungcheol feels like draining his brain away. Because it constantly thinks of opinions and perception. His sleep schedule doesn’t feel normal. He’s having nightmares most of the time or wakes up with burning eyes because of lack of sleep. His heart jump starts at random times of the day and keeps putting him on edge. It is definitely a new experience. Ever since he felt the stage anxiety, it hasn’t gone away. Seungcheol knows he’s not acting well to hide it. He understands his friends’ concern to talk about this.
“When I see Jihoon,” Seungcheol doesn’t look up and he feels a bit of heat creeping on his ears, “I remember everything I felt for him. I remember everything we did together before. Now, with my anxiety, I mull over the things in the past, and Jihoon is a big part of it.”
The shop is quiet. The owner stays in the back because of company rules, but Jeonghan and Joshua have stopped the slurping noises. Seungcheol can feel the heat reaching his cheeks. Maybe he should’ve stayed put and kept his mouth shut.
“Wah!” Joshua finally breaks the silence, “He’s whipped. Do you see that? He’s blushing!”
“I can’t believe this dude is our fucking leader,” Jeonghan snorts.
“Guys, that’s my heart you’re laughing at.”
“This is what you would call a simp in america.”
After finishing their ice cream and feeling a bit coddled by his friends, they walk towards the company building. Seungcheol thinks they might just work for a few hours and order some take out for dinner. Joshua calls it a day and leaves as soon as he sees the entrance. Jeonghan decides to stay for an hour with him before he’s yawning.
“Try to sleep,” Jeonghan pats his head. Seungcheol hums, but he knows he will probably not rest.
Midnight comes around and Seungcheol thinks coffee would be good right about now and tries not to think how drinking caffeine might actually make him feel worse. He walks to the staff kitchen on his floor and looks for decaffeinated coffee.
“Looking for decaf?” Seungcheol feels his limbs go numb. He doesn’t jump at Jihoon’s voice, but he stands still with his hand on the cupboards.
“Yeah, I can’t find it,” Seungcheol sniffs and forces himself to keep looking. It’s cool. He’s just here for coffee. Nothing to panic about.
“It’s on your left,” Jihoon stands beside him and slides the container over to him, “I actually need to talk to you about the composition in some of your verses. You have time?”
Seungcheol snatches the coffee and makes himself a cup. Of course, Jihoon would be working. Seungcheol should’ve taken the day off and went home with Joshua.
“Yeah, we can do that.”
They walk towards Jihoon’s studio. They sit down and work. They work past two in the morning, and Seungcheol can feel his eyes droop. His hands are holding on to the empty cup like a lifeline.
“Hyung, you should go. I’ll finish the rest. I think we fixed mostly everything on the track,” Jihoon says. Seungcheol nods. Sounds like he’ll finally get to rest tonight, “You look tired. Is everything okay?”
When Jihoon tries to touch his shoulder, Seungcheol moves away.
“Yeah, I’ll head out.” Is he going to act like that wasn’t fucking weird? Yes, Seungcheol will ignore that reaction and forget it.
“Actually, no, what was that.” Jihoon huffs.
The neon lights serve as a distraction. Seungcheol keeps fiddling his cup.
“I’m sorry.” He decides to fix his gaze on the ground.
“About what?” Jihoon sounds frustrated. He swivels his chair facing Seungcheol. Seungcheol can feel the stare.
“I’m sorry about seventeen project.”
The silence makes Seungcheol feel like he fucked up again. Thankfully, the cup is made of soft plastic, so when he squeezes the thing, it folds against his fist and makes no noise. He should’ve kept his mouth shut.
“Is that—” Jihoon lets out a big sigh and his chair squeaks as he slumps against it, “Is that why you’re being weird? That was years ago.”
“I know, I know, but I never apologized and well, it’s been a rough few months for me, and I just started thinking, wow, is this how he felt in front of the cameras?” Seungcheol massages his forehead. His heart beating faster than he can talk.
“Please, look at me, Cheol,” Jihoon reaches his hand to his fist crumbling the cup. The old nickname makes Seungcheol’s eyes water. It’s been a while since he heard this tone. The word that made Seungcheol fall for him every time Jihoon said it. When he looks up to Jihoon’s eyes, he regrets punishing himself from looking.
“If you’re worried about that interview, I forgave you a long time ago.” Jihoon’s voice softens. He rolls in closer, maintaining eye contact as he takes away Seungcheol’s cup.
“Why are you thinking about this? I know you’re struggling. We all know you’re struggling, but why this specifically?”
Seungcheol can see the worry in Jihoon’s eyes. How they keep searching for something in Seungcheol and how they widen when he tries to emphasize his words. Seungcheol’s muscles relax at the warmth of Jihoon’s hand on his own.
“Because you’re important to me.”
Jihoon purses his lips. He stares at Seungcheol long enough to contemplate running away again. Seungcheol starts forming a plan when fingers graze his left cheek. He immediately holds his breath.
“You’re dumb.” Jihoon smiles. Seungcheol is conflicted. “And slow.”
“Did Jeonghan put you up to this?” Seungcheol leans away from his hand. This can’t be real.
“We’re gonna take it slow, okay?” Jihoon swivels back to his monitors and Seungcheol stares agape.
“What are you… saying?” Seungcheol blinks repeatedly and he can feel every physical distress melt into relief.
“I’m saying that you need to get better before we take each other seriously. The kids know you’re not doing well, and I can tell you’re not sleeping.” Jihoon shuts down everything in his studio. Seungcheol stays put even when Jihoon stands in front of him and offers his hand. Seungcheol stares at it like it will give him all the secrets of the world.
Jihoon raises an eyebrow. Seungcheol grabs it and Jihoon pulls him upright. The hug that comes afterwards makes Seungcheol close his eyes. He misses this.
“We can talk about feelings later. For now, work on yourself.”
They both hug until Seungcheol’s thoughts quiet down. The last squeeze before parting is a given. When they’re both walking towards their dorm, Jihoon grabs his hand again and a corner of his lip twitches. Seungcheol hides his own tiny grin and looks at the night sky, feeling hope swell his heart after a long time of remorse.