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It had been during holiday break. She had already built up a wall
between the two of them. An invisible force field that kept him at a safe
distance. Even if he was at the family house all the time it couldn't be
helped. They had all been good friends for the last four years and he
had become very close to the rest of her family.
If only she hadn't gotten so close to him this last summer. A summer
with some of the biggest regrets in her life.
Since they had started drifting apart, time in the house was usually
tense. The rest of the family had no idea why they were acting like this
but they knew the general idea: They weren't friends anymore. But she
had decided that during this break she would at least pretend that they
were friends for the rest of the family's sake. She would pretend that
they never did those things that haunted her brain. She would pretend
that harsh words weren't exchanged through paragraphs of text
messages over the last few months. She would pretend like everything
in her life was fine. And that she wasn't broken to a point that she had
never been broken before. For the sake of the family.
***
He didn't understand why she was acting like this. Like everything is
normal when it isn't. I mean he understood for the most part but it still
made him angry. He wanted to talk it out and he really wasn't sure how
much longer he could deal with this fake civility.
Especially since her distaste for him being there was too obvious. She
wasn't a good liar and even her fake friendliness was off-putting. On top
of that she just didn't smile as much as he remembers. Of course, that's
to be expected when in a big fight, but this seemed different. She
looked tired whenever she thought no one was looking. Tired and utterly
defeated. Like she just didn't even care or want to try anymore. There
had to be more to it than just their fight.
He had decided that day that he wanted an explanation before she
headed back to her college. Break would be ending soon and she
would be gone again for a few months.
There were only a few opportunities for them to talk alone at the house.
At least one other member of the family was usually present at any time
of the day. But every now and then the rest of the family just happens to
be out and he can finally confront her in person about what was going
on.
***
“Why won't you talk to me? We can't just keep acting like everything is
ok.”
She couldn't believe she was hearing this again. Only just a few weeks
ago he had been sending long messages to her, yelling about how he
was angry that she was trying to make things just go back to “normal.”
Then in the same day was sending messages about how he didn't care
if they talked it out. He just wanted them to be friends again and was
willing to act like nothing was wrong.
“You really need to pick a damn side. Either act “normal” or don’t. You
keep bouncing back and forth between the two I can't keep up. I can act
fine if that's what everyone wants. Which I'm trying to. It’s what you told
me you wanted. But now you decide that we need to talk????”
“Well, you clearly aren't ok and I'm tired of not dealing with this.”
Ha! She thought. HE was tired?.. He had no idea. No fucking idea. She
didn't have the time or energy for this…
“It doesn't matter. I’m fine and we can just act like we have been. Don't
worry about it. I don't want to talk anyway.”
“YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND! I CARE ABOUT
YOU AND I WANT US TO TALK!”
She winced at his sudden shouting. But shock turned to annoyance. His
persistence making her irritated. She looked him dead in the eye with
an expressionless face and said. “What is there to talk about?”
***
He stared at her, and his face twisted with hurt and anger. He just could
not fathom why this girl was being so stubborn and refused to talk to
him. She was refusing to give him the time of day and just kept pushing
him away without thinking about his feelings at all. Did she ever even
consider him his friend? Did he really just imagine up all the feelings
that had been sparking between them? Did she not understand how he
felt? Or how she was making him feel? He just could not understand
her. But he was going to make her understand him.
He rushed forward, grabbed her face and smashed their lips together.
This one desperate act in the hopes that he could tell her all he needed
to. That he would be able to get across all his feelings to her in this one
reckless move.
***
She froze at the sudden closeness of the boy. It took her a moment to
realize what was happening and what the sudden warmth on her lips
was.
Flashes of touching and of nights past ran through her mind. Memories
of regret and guilt that she had promised herself she would forget for
the sake of her sanity. All these things she had been running from came
rushing into her, adding to her already emotional state. It was like her
chest had emptied and refilled all in one second. A gut wrenching
feeling as if someone had just ripped the air out of her lungs, suffocating
her, and then immediately forced all that air right back in. Stretching her
heart too hard and too fast, making her chest rip and tear apart all in
one moment.
The pain made her brain start working again she was instantly in
survival mode. Her whole body screamed against the contact, as if
she’d just been burned, and she shoved him away screaming " DON'T
TOUCH ME! DON'T EVER TOUCH ME! “
Nausea she had been feeling on and off for the past few weeks
surfaced again from the stress of the situation. Her face paled and she
suddenly felt the need to empty the contents of her stomach.
Her body shook and she curled in on herself and backed away
clutching her left arm to her chest and protectively held it with her right.
Creating a mental and physical barrier between the two of them.
Tears had formed and she knew by the look on his face that she must
have looked like a terrified wild animal.
***
If he didn't understand her before, then he DEFINITELY didn't
understand her now. Did she seriously hate him that much? He never
did anything so bad that it was acceptable for her to react in such a
severe way. All but 3 months ago they were the very best friends having
the summer of their lives. Or so he thought. Was any of it ever real? Did
he misinterpret the unspoken words between the two of them over all
these years? Why was she acting like this?
His only conclusion is that she was just a selfish person acting out
because she is scared of commitment and afraid that her feelings might
be real. But even if that was the case, that didn't give her the right to act
this way towards him. As if he had assaulted her against her will or
something. She was insane if that's how she was interpreting the
situation.
”You are seriously fucked up.”
***
Her face froze and the tears stopped for a moment as she let the words
hit her. It was as if she had just been slapped in the face. What did he
just say?
A thousand emotions entered her as the harsh words sunk in. Sadness,
Embarrassment, Shame, Isolation… and Anger.
As if she didn't know that about herself already.
The corner of her mouth slowly lifts as a laugh escaped from her mouth.
And then another, and then suddenly she was overcome with hysterical
laughter. Soon the laughs morphed into sobs. And soon after that she
couldn't tell for sure whether she was laughing, crying, or screaming. All
she knew was that yea, she was fucked up. And this entire situation
was a waste of her time.
After a couple of seconds laughing like a total maniac, she let out a sigh.
Then she pulled herself together as best she could, smiled with a
bitterly amused look on her face and moved to walk away without
saying a word in response to the boy’s cruel statement.
***
Shock from her fit of laughter and crying had left him frozen in place,
giving her the opportunity to walk past him. He regained his composure
after she was a step behind him and, despite her warning earlier, he
turned and grabbed her forearm to keep her from leaving…
Her left arm to be exact.
***
She had made the new cuts last night after her usual nightly shower.
They hurt like they always did and the next morning she reopened them
like she always did. She always made it difficult for them to heal quickly.
She had a weird fear of letting them heal that was almost equal to her
fear of people to find out. Like if they weren't there and hurting, it would
prove that she was recovering and getting better, which she knew would
be a lie. The cuts prove to her that her pain is real and tangible. It can
be seen and there is less doubt that it's all in her head.
Of course, she hadn't planned on having this heated encounter with the
boy today. Or at all for that matter. The timeline of her fresh cuts and
this encounter was a pure unfortunate coincidence.
***
Stinging pain shot through her freshly wounded arm and she let out a
pained cry and snatched her arm away. The boy had had a tight hold on
her arm but her sudden cry surprised him and made his grip loosen.
Confusion was on his face, because he was sure he hadn't grabbed her
THAT hard? She was staring at him in absolute horror for a reason he
couldn't figure out. His eyes trailed down to where she was
possessively holding her left arm to her chest with a panicked face.…
Thats when he saw the red start to seep through her sleeve…
***
No…
Why in God's name had she worn a white sweater? Today of all days?
She must have been an idiot to put on a white freaking sweater the
morning after she had had one of her relapses. Of course, she had
cleaned and wrapped it, thinking that would be enough. But she didn't
know that she would be dealing with a persistent boy who refused to
leave her alone.
And now one of the worst things she could imagine was taking place at
the worst time, in the worst place, with the worst person. She could see
it in his eyes as they went to her arm where her new cuts were
beginning to seep into her previously ivory sweater.
She watched in horror as he mentally put the pieces together. Watched
as confusion turned to realization. At that point she averted her eyes
because she was sure the next face he was about to make would scar
her just as badly as any other thing she had done to herself.
She had to get out of there. Now.
***
As soon as he saw the blood he understood. And that's about the time
when his mind started going into overdrive. In a matter of milliseconds
he had gone through a tidal wave of emotions. His mind couldn't even
catch up from the sudden overload of information and feelings that were
emerging in that one moment.
What has she been doing to herself? Why was she doing this to
herself? Was she really hurting that badly? Was this his fault? Had he
caused this? How badly had she hurt herself? For how long? How long
has she been this broken and he hadn’t noticed? What should he do?
How can he make her stop? Could he make her stop? Does she want to
kill herself? Oh god please anything but that. How do I fix this? Why
would she do this to herself? Why?
Wait is she trying to leave?!
***
She quickly turned away with her eyes glued to the ground. She started
walking away as fast as she could trying to leave the house and hoping
that he would be too stunned to say anything. Praying that he would
leave it at that and just realize that he wants nothing to do with this
mess. He should just stay there quiet and let her walk away to be alone.
Don't ask about them. Don't ask why.
…
She got about 5 hurried steps away before he was running back to her
trying to follow. Fear and anger surged from her in a second as she
turned around before he could touch her again.
“DON’T FOLLOW ME!”
She had stopped him in his tracks with his hand outstretched towards
her. He didn't say anything, but his face went from shock to stern as he
put his hand down and looked her in the eyes.
She knew what he was saying with his eyes. He could follow her if he
wanted to. She couldn't stop him. Just like she couldn't stop him from
telling her whole family. He was basically an adopted brother to her
family. So, it would be so easy for him to take what he knew and tear
down everything she was trying to protect.
The fact that he had recovered from the shock fast enough to threaten
her with a look made her fear fade away and was left with just bitter
anger towards the boy.
She turned to face him completely and said in the darkest tone she
could muster “Don’t you dare tell anyone.”
He kept his face the same. Never losing eye contact. He wasn't backing
down.
“It’s none of your business. You have no right.”
Still, he stood there like a rock.
***
He was determined to not let her walk away and do more damage to
herself. He couldn't let her walk away. Not after finding out such a
devastating thing. No matter how angry he had been at her or her at
him, there was no way he was letting her walk away without an
explanation at least.
He stared her down with his resolve and waited for her to give up.
Her face broke a bit and she looked to the ground, still clutching her
arm. When she looked back at him, he saw tears in her eyes. All
bitterness and anger gone as it was replaced with an agony that he had
never seen in her before.
“Please don't tell anyone. Please…It will only get worse if you tell
them…”
Those words made him think… should he actually tell them? He had
simply been threatening her before but it's not like that isn't the first
logical thing to do in this situation? But knowing her parents and her
family…
“I can handle this myself, ok? I’m really fine. I don't plan on doing it
again. I’ve just been dealing with a lot lately, ok? Just please don't tell
anyone. It’ll cause more of a fuss then necessary. Please.”
She was talking very clearly for someone who has tears streaming
down her face. He had never seen her like this. Never seen her cry at
all really. After four years of friendship, he had never seen her this
messed up. Had he caused all this? There had to be more to it. Did he
even know her at all?
“Look, we aren't what we used to be anymore ok. Things change. But if
you were ever my friend or care about me at all then please…just forget
about it.”
Now he was really confused. He didn't know what to do anymore. She
really didn't want anything to do with him. And he didn't recognize this
person in front of him.
Heartbroken, unsure and useless he finally let her walk away. Knowing
damn well that he would regret letting her do so for the rest of his life.
He knew that there was nothing he could do to stop her and nothing he
could do to help her. She didn't want his help. She didn't want anything
from him. And he knew that there wasn't a damn thing he could do
about it.