Chapter Text
you are a call to motion
there, all of you, a verb in perfect view
like Jonah on the ocean
when you move, I’m moved
“Can I ask you something?” Bradley starts, pushing herself up to sitting against the headboard from her spot on her side of the bed as Laura pads back into the room with glasses of water for them both, flicking the light off for the night as she goes.
“Of course,” Laura says, leaning over the bed to hand Bradley her glass. Her hand lingers in the air between them for a moment, then she brushes an errant, frizzy strand of Bradley’s hair away from her eyes. Bradley’s free hand slides up to meet hers, pressing Laura’s hand to her cheek and holding it there. It means that Laura has to lean awkwardly back over to put her own glass on the nightstand while still keeping her hand at Bradley’s face. Laura breathes a quiet little huff of laughter through her nose at this, because Bradley is always kind of like this—a little more tactile, a little less willing to talk—after she comes.
So Laura’s a little surprised that Bradley has something she wants to ask her, now, like this. She gets her glass safely on the nightstand and crawls back into bed, letting Bradley gently pull and direct her by the arm, then by the waist, until she’s slinging one of her legs over Bradley’s and straddling her lap. Bradley makes a small oof sound as Laura settles her own weight across Bradley’s legs, but Laura knows she likes it, that she feels secure this way with Laura on top of her.
“What did you want to ask me?” Laura prompts once she’s settled.
Bradley takes a moment to even open her mouth, and another moment still to start her words.
“I—What is it like for you when you wear the strap-on?” Bradley says, and Laura wonders if Bradley’s cheeks have pinkened, but it’s too dark in the room to really be able to tell. “I mean, like, intellectually. Or psychologically, or whatever. If you know what I mean.”
And Laura smiles. “I do know what you mean.” But she needs a minute to think about her answer.
“Honestly,” Laura says after a moment, and she’s never consciously thought about what she gets, inside herself, out of having Bradley like that. The thought almost makes her laugh, and that colours her tone with a certain brightness. “It’s all a bit of a head rush,” she starts.
“I think it feels like my brain is working on overdrive to give me information when I use it on you, if that makes sense? I can’t feel it inside you, but I can see how good it makes you feel from watching you, from hearing you, and that makes me feel good, too, because I know what I’m doing to you even if I can’t feel it myself.” Laura pauses, considers it further. “And I mean, the feeling good isn’t exactly physical, really—but it’s like a buzzing in my head or something. It’s powerful.” Laura shrugs. “I don’t know, the ‘all orgasms start in the brain’ scientists probably have something to say about that. But that’s what it is for me.” She chuckles a little. “Why?” Laura volleys back to Bradley.
“I…it turns me on when I watch you fuck me like that, like tonight,” Bradley starts. “I think I know what you mean, about watching it. I mean, I can feel it when you’re inside me, obviously, but watching you move…And you always look so fucking sexy when you wear the strap-on, baby.” And Bradley leans up, at this, sliding her fingers into Laura’s hair and pulling Laura’s mouth down to hers for a kiss, running her tongue along the seam of Laura’s mouth.
“Are you trying to get me to go again?” Laura asks, laughing against Bradley’s mouth when Bradley backs off a little. “I thought you were done for tonight.”
Bradley rests her forehead against Laura’s, and they’re not doing anything, not really. Laura’s not grinding against the woman underneath her and Bradley just has one hand in her hair and one wrapped around her back, now. But like this, Laura’s field of vision has shrunk to just Bradley here in the dark with her, and there’s something about that and the way that Bradley is holding her close on her lap that’s heady, intoxicating to Laura.
And that makes what Bradley says next all the more overwhelming.
“No, it’s okay, I am.” Bradley smiles—and her smile looks like it goes on forever at this close distance—and pauses. “It’s just…would you ever want to—would you ever let me take a turn wearing the strap-on?”
And Laura’s first instinct is to say no, to dismiss the idea immediately.
Because she can’t help it, she feels a little frisson of apprehension at Bradley’s suggestion. Not because of Bradley, Laura knows. With her and Bradley, their understanding in the bedroom had come well before they’d ever really learned how to talk to one another, and sometimes, when they’re having sex, that’s when Laura feels like they’re communicating best.
So Bradley has learned to read Laura with her hands, has learned when Laura wants her to slowly, slowly slip one finger inside, her other hand drawing soothing little circles on the spot between her belly button and her pubic bone where Laura has always been a little ticklish in a pleasurable way, and then rubbing circles that are smaller still across Laura’s clit when she’s eased her finger all the way in.
Still, there have been times where it’s been good with Bradley, like that, where Laura has felt so open and full with Bradley inside her, and all of a sudden it has tipped into being too much. She’s not sure exactly why, but that has happened even when Laura wants Bradley’s fingers.
So when Bradley says that she wants to fuck her with the strap-on—because that’s what she’s saying, really, she’s just phrased it as a question—Laura thinks it will be like that, that it will be too much, all pressure and pain.
Her legs must have tensed, involuntarily, at Bradley’s question, because then Bradley’s rubbing up and down her thighs, trying to get Laura to relax back into her. “Laura,” she says, and her voice is slow and soft. “You can say no.”
And Bradley’s face is still close and bright, even in the dimness of their bedroom.
God, she loves this woman, this woman who couldn’t conceal a wild, sharp note of eagerness on her face when she’d asked Laura for this, but who is pushing it down now, for her sake, for her benefit.
Not for the first time, Laura is struck by the thought that Bradley would probably do anything for her.
She’s here, after all, in Montana, and has been for months, longer than either of them had ever thought they’d be here. She’s still getting up inhumanly early each morning on weekdays to do The Morning Show so that she can be here with Laura, and she’s not complaining about it nearly as much as Laura would be in her shoes.
Bradley’s doing it because she loves her.
And Laura knows that she can say no to what Bradley’s asking her, that Bradley would never hold it against her. But with their heads still together and Bradley tracing patterns into her skin, Laura finds that there’s part of her that doesn’t want to shut her down, despite her apprehension. Because Bradley is always so patient, so understanding when Laura has her legs spread for her, Bradley has always taken such good care of her when it has become too much, that Laura knows it would be like that, too, with Bradley in the harness, Bradley slowly pressing into her.
She shivers at the thought, and she knows Bradley feels it through her fingers.
“Come lie down with me, let’s talk about this,” Laura says, finally. “I’m not saying no just yet,” she tosses back to Bradley over her shoulder, as she climbs off of Bradley’s lap and reaches down to the foot of the bed to pull up the duvet.
She feels such a sense of comfort as pulls the cover over them and lies back, and Bradley settles behind her, slinging an arm across her stomach and tucking her face up by Laura’s shoulder.
She’s safe here, with Bradley.
And that means she can say “Listen, I’ve never done that with anyone, being on that end. I’ve never…”
“Been dicked down?” Bradley supplies at her ear, a little too eagerly, and it’s so ridiculous that Laura can truly only splutter for a moment before she finds her laughter in earnest, and she can feel Bradley’s shoulders shaking behind her, too.
“You’re so stupid,” Laura says with fond exasperation, once she’s caught her breath again, turning her head so she can try to catch Bradley’s eyes over her shoulder. Bradley props herself up on one elbow, looking down at Laura.
“But I’m stupid and right, aren’t I?” Bradley goads her, just a little, and even through the dark, Laura can see her waggle her eyebrows.
“I don’t know if dicked down would have been the phrase I would have picked,” she says, rolling her eyes and digging into the consonants so that she’s sure Bradley can hear her implied air quotes. “But sure, ostensibly you’re right,” she continues, turning over onto her back so that she’s not craning her neck over her shoulder at her girlfriend.
Looking up at Bradley like this, now, Laura is hit with a wave of gratitude for this woman in her bed, who can make her cackle even when she’s admitting something vulnerable, this woman who knows how to defuse tension and exactly when laughter will make things easier. “Come here,” she says, reaching one hand up to Bradley’s neck and urging her down towards her. It’s somewhat of a reversal of where they were a few moments ago, Bradley on top of Laura, now, as Laura kisses her slowly, deeply.
“What was that for?” Bradley asks, as they pull apart.
“I love you, that’s all,” Laura says, small and simple. And Bradley’s face softens, and Laura can tell that she’s about to say it back, in that easy way that she’s found to say it, these past few months. (And Laura knows that though it’s easy for her to say it now, it was a hard-fought battle for Bradley to get here with her. She doesn’t take it for granted. Any of it.)
But Laura beats her to the punch, because she’s not done just yet.
“And I trust you,” she goes on. “So if you want to try, I would let you, okay?” And as Laura gives Bradley permission like this, she takes stock of the fact that she’s still nervous, of course, thinking about taking Bradley like that, but there’s no part of her that’s scared.
“Are you sure?” Bradley asks, and though Laura always expects to be taken at her word, she’s grateful that Bradley wants to make sure she’s comfortable.
“Right now, yes,” Laura confirms. “But when we do this—and I don’t know when I would want to, I need some time to think, okay?” And Bradley squeezes Laura’s shoulder, wordlessly expressing her assent and letting Laura continue her train of thought.
“When we do this, we just might have to stop, if it doesn’t feel good,” she continues.
“Of course, of course, baby. We can always stop.”
And there’s one more thing that Laura wants to address before she thinks they can put a pin in this for the night.
“Okay. And if we’re gonna do this, I think we should find some time to sit down and order some new things together. I think we should get you your own harness—even if we only ever do this once, I just feel like that will work better for your body than trying to make mine work for you—and I think I should pick out a new dildo. It’s just—it’s been a long time since I’ve had anything like that inside me, even just by myself, and I think I’d be more comfortable with something smaller than the one you like,” she says, angling her head towards the nightstand where their sex toys are stored.
Bradley has her head resting on Laura’s chest, now, from where Laura had pulled her down on top of her earlier, so it’s easiest for her to grab one of Laura’s hands and bring her knuckles to her mouth, pressing a soft kiss there. “Anything you want. That all makes sense to me. You just let me know when you want to go online shopping.”
And they’re both quiet for a moment, just letting this trust hang between them, until Bradley rolls off of Laura and scoots back up the bed to her place on her pillow next to Laura.
“Thank you,” Laura murmurs back to Bradley as she turns onto her side and Bradley sidles up behind her again.
“You’re doing something for me, Laura, not the other way around,” Bradley says into her shoulder.
But it doesn’t feel that way, not to Laura.
Not when Bradley cares for her like this.