Chapter Text
Robert woke up sad.
He looked at the empty side of the bed, then turned back to his nightstand. He took the photo of his husband off it and pressed it to his chest.
He could barely remember what he’d smelled like at this point and somehow, this specific thing tore him apart just a little more. His husbands voice became more vague in his memory too, even though he had heard it so many times. Had heard it in his dreams just now. And yet, it was fading…
Robert closed his eyes, thinking back to the dream, trying to keep some of the feeling alive. When Elliott had held him, his long hair brushing against Roberts cheek. Elliott's voice when he told him that he loved him. Would always love him.
Robert chocked, tears springing from his eyes.
Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
He pressed the photo to his chest once more, then looked at it. Elliott in the sun, smiling at him. Some ten years ago. He’d always loved this photo of him. Where Elliott looked like he was smiling just for him, eyes so full of love and joy at their shared life.
They’d been so happy.
Robert carefully put the picture back on his nightstand and got up, getting dressed quickly. He knew it was bad for him when he had those dreams. He knew he shouldn’t try to linger on these thoughts, that he needed to stop actively imagining his husband around him to ever be able to get well again mentally.
But it was hard.
It had been Five years since Elliott's death. He needed to get over it eventually.
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Ayleen Llyr was thirteen years old and mornings were not for her.
She had to get up much too early for her tastes during the week to look properly for school. She had finished brushing her hair and was now checking her reflection in the mirror: Her blouse had no creases, her teeth were spotless, her hair long and shiny. She knew she hadn’t quite achieved the vibrancy of color that her papahs hair had had, but she liked to think she was on the right track.
Ayleen went back upstairs and to the kitchen. “Morning Ephraim, morning Papaw,” she greeted her brother and the photograph of her deceased parent. It had a fixed spot on the kitchen table where he’d used to sit.
“Morning, Ayleen...” Ephraim half-hung in his bowl of muesli, the breakfast of the damned as ordered by their Lord Master Dad who didn’t want to hear that she felt more energized when she had a piece of bread slathered in choclate spread with strawberry jam in the morning. She knew too much sugar wasn’t good for her but mornings were already terrible, didn’t she deserve something that actually got her going if she had to get up every damn morning?
Dad came into the kitchen, carrying her younger brother Finnegan. “Morning you two.” He sat the toddler down on a chair, then quickly pressed a kiss to Ayleens forehead and another to her brother’s. Ayleen noticed how he half embraced Ephraim for just a moment before he moved on and started preparing food for their other sibling. Their annoying little magical brother. Sure, the kid was cute but sometimes her dad acted like no-one existed but this little brat…
Ayleen munched on her muesli, resigned to get through it. Once she was fourteen she would be allowed to make her own breakfast choices. Not long now. Not long…
She glanced at her dads hand and quickly stared into her muesli again as anger flashed through her.
He wasn’t wearing his wedding ring.
He really. Wasn’t. Wearing his wedding ring.
She chewed slowly, unsure how to deal with this. She had noticed it the day before already. At first she’d been shocked. It couldn’t have been true. He couldn’t just turn his back on Papah like this, could he? Maybe it had been some kind of mistake, maybe he had misplaced it, but… this was the second day in a row. This had to be on purpose. He had taken it off. He was going to marry Sterling, wasn’t he?
Don’t overreact, don’t overreact...
She examined her dad further. He looked tired. She could barely remember a time when he hadn’t looked tired. Surely it had been back when Papah had still been alive. Dad had looked different then, somehow. Had talked differently, moved and acted differently. Maybe he just needed to remember how much Papah had loved him. Maybe that would give him energy. True love was forever, no matter how far one was apart, right?
“Ayleen, I was wondering… Do you think you could babysit your baby brother tonight? I would bring him to bed, I’d just need you to keep an ear open in case he wakes up. I wouldn’t be out long.”
Ayleen swallowed. Taken the ring off. Wanting to go out. She tensed. “...for the right price.”
Robert nodded. “1500 gold per hour. I think I would be out for two hours.”
“As soon as a new hour starts, you’re on the hook for an entire hour.”
“Deal.”
Ayleen nodded solemnly. She bit down the command that he shouldn’t make out with anyone, swallowed the urge to ask about what he would be doing, who he was seeing… She knew anyway. But this was one of the few ways she could earn some extra cash.
She waited until they were a couple dozen meters away before she started talking to her brother. “Did you see it?! He isn’t wearing the wedding band anymore!”
Her black-haired brother looked at her confused. “Uhm. Uh. No. I didn’t notice.”
“It’s terrible, Effy! I saw him and Sterling the other day and they were holding hands! I just can’t believe it! How can he do this to Papah?!”
“Uhm. I… I don’t know.”
Ayleen harrumphed, shaking her head. “Something is going on, Effy, I know it! Adults only hold hands when they’re in love! Ugh! I don’t want dad to do this! He can’t marry someone else! Especially not Sterling!”
“Why not Sterling?”
“He can’t marry someone else! Think about how Papah would feel. I just… I don’t want it. I don’t understand why he would do that. Papah loved him so much. I know it.”
“Hm.”
“What does that mean?”
Ephraim shrugged. “I just… don’t know. I don’t know what to think about this.” He sighed quietly and looked into the sky for a moment, blue eyes far away. “But Dad is always sad. Maybe he would be less sad if he wasn’t so alone all the time.”
“What?! He isn’t alone! He’s got us!” She shook her had, sighing. “Maybe you’re still too young to get it.”
----------------------------------------------------
Robert went to the coop with his son. “Alright, Finn, you can pick up the feathers and pet everyone for a bit and I’ll take care of the eggs.”
“Yes, Dada.”
They walked through the coop, collecting. Then the kid petted the various animals while Robert cleaned the coop and made sure they were fed before they moved on to the barn. Robert hooked the cows and goats up to the milking machine while Finn opened the gate for the pigs and sheep to go outside. Then they both petted the animals while they were being milked before Robert disconnected and cleaned the system once more. Finnegan fed one of the goats a bit of fresh herbs while Robert checked the milk container and made sure the cooling was on.
“What are we doing today, dada?”
Robert stretched, then picked his son up, walking outside again. “We’re going to check the watering system… then we’ll go into town and buy some fish at the beach and some detergent and a few other things from Pierre. And then we’ll make lunch. What would you like today?”
“Grilled cheese! Grilled cheese, grilled cheese!”
Robert chuckled quietly. “Hmhm, Grilled cheese it is...”
He was almost done checking the crops when he realized his son had gone suspiciously quiet. Usually he quietly talked to himself while he was doing something but right now, silence reigned. Robert quickly turned around to look for him. If only he had another person to keep an eye out…
Robert ran out of the vines and found the boy sitting on a tree stump, levitating several grapes to form a moving circle. Robert sighed. “Finn, I told you...please don’t do that when I can’t look after you. Something could go wrong.”
“Why would anything go wrong, Dada?” His voice was far away and he still spun the grapes.
“Please put the grapes down, Finnegan.” He crouched down next to him, speaking gently. “I know you’re a bit bored but we can go into town soon and you can see the fishes for a bit. Won’t you like that?”
Finn nodded distantly. “Can I swim a little bit with the fishes, Dada?”
“Not quite yet, its still a little cold for that. But you can watch them when we’re at the Fishshop.”
“Okay...” He tilted his head to the side, then suddenly let the grapes drop. His head dropped forward as his eyes had gone shut in sudden exhaustion, but Robert had already caught him and drew him up into his arms. He sighed quietly. If only he had a second set of hands to take care of everything throughout the day while also being able to hold his son…
He went through the day without too many thoughts.
Thankfully.
He cleaned the kitchen in the afternoon after lunch, occupying his son with a book. Then he took him to the playground for another hour before going back home to prepare dinner for Ayleen and Ephraim for when they got home, while Finn made a ball change color several times over before falling asleep again. Robert picked him up and walked him up to his room. Surely he would wake up again soon enough. He tended to tire himself out quickly after doing magic on his own. Robert laid him down gently, drew the covers over him and watched him sleep for a moment.
The soft little face, the bright red hair.
He was adorable.
He looked so much like Elliott.
Robert sighed quietly. Though his mind had largely remained blissfully empty of melancholic thoughts today, he had still felt the absence of his wedding ring on his finger like an insidious brand the entire time. Before, he had always felt the comforting weight of the metal on his finger. A constant reminder of the bond he’d had with his husband. That there had been a time when someone had truly, utterly loved him. He had taken it off two days before and it felt like it ripped him apart yet again. Why! He’d been in mourning for five years. Five long, terrible, achingly lonely years. Yes, he loved Elliott, would always love Elliott, but maybe he would be happier if he let someone else into his life. But to get change he had to actively try to change, actively try to find happiness again. Elliott wouldn’t want him to remain in mourning all his life, he was certain. Elliott would want him to be happy, as long as he wasn’t forgotten. And Robert was almost forty, after all…
He sighed and went back into the kitchen. He’d talked to Sterling earlier at Pierre’s for a minute. The younger man had shamelessly flirted with him, like he always did, and Robert had indeed asked him to meet again tonight. He wasn’t really sure If he was capable to have a serious relationship again. Would it even be fair to another person? No matter if it was Sterling or anyone else… in his heart, they would always be second to Elliott. Was it fair to compare people to an impossible standard held by a dead man? But maybe they didn’t have to be perfect. Maybe it would be enough just to be...
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Ephraim walked across the beach, finally feeling a bit more calm again. School had been annoying and his sister was nagging him half the way home about them supposedly having a duty to prevent dad from getting married again. It seemed so pointless. Ephraim wasn’t happy about the prospect of their father dating, but he didn’t feel like it was his place to judge. He didn’t really understand the whole dating thing yet. It seemed pointless. If people liked each-other and wanted to spend time together, that all seemed nice and well. As long as everyone was honest with each-other and didn’t do any backstabbing or whatever else some people supposedly did…
He stopped at the edge of the ocean, closed his eyes and breathed.
It was calming here. Quiet. The weather wasn’t quite hot enough for people to be swarming the beach yet and he could just stroll through the sand. Ephraim walked by his papas old cabin to get across the bridge to the tide pools. He loved watching the little crabs crawl around in there.
It was so peaceful here.
Pah...Did you also need the silence, like I do?
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Robert put Finnegan to bed at 7pm, after singing to him and reading to him for half an hour. He waited for a few more minutes to see if he would be okay, then went back to the bedroom to change. He took a quick shower.
He was nervous.
He’d been out with Sterling before, and while he hadn’t exactly reciprocated his flirting, he had still responded to it positively. It had been awkward but it was also...nice. He’d gotten to know him rather well over the last few years and while his addiction problems had been a cause of concern to him, Sterling did seem like a very genuine, good person at heart and as long as he didn’t relapse he felt like a pleasant person to be with.
If he didn’t relapse.
Robert dried himself off and got dressed.
It felt odd.
He hadn’t actively gotten dressed up for anyone else since before Elliott had died. He didn’t think anything was really going to happen tonight. Not in the least because he was terrified to be touched. When Sterling had grasped his hands the other day and told him he had romantic feelings for him and wanted to date him, it had startled him to the core. He hadn’t really...told Sterling about Elliott. Sterling knew he had kids and that they would always come first but he hadn’t told him..
..hadn’t told him…
Robert looked into the mirror. He had gray streaks in his black hair. He’d put on a blue dress shirt and black slacks. If Elliott were here, he would compliment him on how the color of the shirt brought out his eyes. He would hold him and soak in his scent, would tell him how good he still looked despite the years in his eyes and his heart…
Robert hugged himself, a tired sob wrestling its way from his lips.
He still ached for Elliott with every fiber of his being.
If I don’t try to make space in my heart then I will be miserable forever. You wouldn’t want that, would you?
Elliott...
He swallowed his tears, took a deep breath and tried to clear his head.
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Ayleen stood in her room and ironed her blouse for the next day. Dad had never really been good at it and as soon as she had learned how to do it she’d taken over steaming her own clothes herself.
There was a knock on the door.
“Yes?”
Dad opened and Ayleen felt herself frown. She tried not to look outright angry but… he had clearly made an effort to dress up for his date. And he wouldn’t even be open about what he was doing!
He cleared his throat. “I’m going to go to town for a bit now. Finnegan is asleep and he tired himself out a lot today but just check on him every so often, okay?”
“Yes, dad.”
He nodded, seeming somewhat uncertainly. He looked at his watch. “It’s now 7:13pm. If I’m not back by 9:13pm you can charge me for three hours, as agreed. If something happens and you need me urgently, call the saloon, I will be there.”
“Okay, dad.” Her insides were hot and angry but she didn’t know what to say.
He looked at her a moment longer, then smiled awkwardly. “Okay. Great. Then I’ll see you later. Love you.”
Her throat was dry. “Love you too, dad.” He closed the door and left. Ayleen stared at the door. It was true that she loved her dad, but she hated saying it right now, she hated how little he seemed to care how she was doing, how little time he had for her. He barely ever even hugged her anymore. And on an evening like this when he might have considered asking how she was doing, what was really going on in her life, he put this on her plate too?! To look after her annoying magical baby brother who got to spend time with him all day anyway and now had to be looked after by her as well?! So that he could go out and make out with some new person instead of staying faithful to papah? It just wasn’t fair…
Ayleen sighed. She took her pillow off her bed and hugged it to her chest.
Was it too much to ask to just be looked after a bit more?
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Robert hadn’t gone two steps off the property when Sterling surfaced from the shadows. “Hello there, sugarcakes.”
Robert rolled his eyes. “I really wish you wouldn’t call me that.”
Sterling grinned and stepped closer. He was wearing a dress shirt under his denim jacket. “Okay, hot stuff.” He openly let his eyes wander down over Roberts body, making a wanting sound. “Hm. But you really do look especially handsome tonight.”
“Uh...Thanks.” He tried to smile but it felt awkward. All of this felt awkward. It was nice to be complimented, yes, but there was this voice in the back of his head that said that this was wrong. That Elliott was the only one who should ever look at him like that, talk to him like that…
But Elliott is dead! Has been for five goddamn years!
He swallowed hard, tears threatening to burble out of him again.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Sterling stood close. Too close. He was clearly concerned but it was so close, a part of him yelling at him that this was too much-
Sterling put a hand on his shoulder and Robert damn near jerked away from him. It’s just. A hand. On your shoulder. it’s fine. it’s fine!
He was shaking slightly. “I… I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m...” He took another deep breath. “I’m. I’m sorry.”
Sterling looked sad and resigned. “Robert… if you don’t want to go out with me. Then you don’t have to. Maybe I was too straightforward about that...”
“No. No, I...” Robert shook his head. “I really like you.” He tried to smile but he was tense. “I’m just… it’s been so long since...” He sighed. “Let’s… let’s start walking. I’d like to get away from the house.”
Sterling nodded and they went on their way.
Robert fiddled with his hands as they walked down the road. They remained silent until they got to the saloon. “I… I really need a drink. Do you want anything?”
Sterling smiled slightly, shrugging. “Whatever you’re having.”
Robert nodded. He got two shots as well as two glasses of bourbon.
...Elliott had liked bourbon. Shit…
But now he had the drinks anyway. They went to a booth and Robert downed his shot immediately. He didn’t particularly liked strong alcohol but sometimes it just...helped.
Sterling took his shot too, then folded his hands and just looked at him patiently. He really had gotten so much better in the last two months. It was nice to see.
Robert took another breath. The alcohol helped to center him. “I… look. I… I haven’t dated anyone in a long time and I… I’m scared. And I also don’t want to...” He kneaded his hands. He didn’t want to tank all of this immediately but he owed honesty. Besides… it was fundamentally against his nature to be dishonest. “I...” He looked at the other earnestly. “I really like you. Honestly. But… Though it’s been five years. S-since my husband died. I still… I still think about him. All the time. And I don’t know if I… if I’m really capable of having a new relationship.”
Sterling looked at him for a long time before replying. “...do you want to be able to?”
Robert choked slightly, then nodded. “Yes. I mean, I think so. I just… I’ve been so lonely. And I don’t think I will ever… get over this unless I try to let somebody else into my life. I just don’t want you to… I don’t want to be dishonest. I just don’t know… I just don’t know what I really want right now. And I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Hm...” He looked at the golden liquid dancing in his glass, blue eyes thoughtful. “How about...” He looked at him over his glass, smiling at him from under his short, auburn hair. “How about we just… take it slow and see where it goes?” He laid his hand in front of him on the table, inviting Robert to grasp it.
Robert felt he should be more hesitant but he laid his fingers on Sterling's quicker than he thought he could. It felt strange but also nice. He smiled awkwardly, still feeling uneasy but also like this was a good thing. Could be a good thing. “Taking it slow sounds good...”