Archive of Our Own

There's nothing in the world, absolutely nothing that can fuck Taehyung up this bad except for the members and a certain boy. The boy who is one of the members, his best friend and partner in crime — the doe eyed Jeon Jungkook. And when these two things get together at once, then it's lethal for Taehyung. The members mean so much to him, they're his whole life. He'd literally do anything for them and wants to live with them till he breathes his last. 

They had started off together. All seven of them were from different hometowns, coming to Seoul with no promise of reaching their dreams. They had lived a life of struggle and patience no one could imagine. They had persevered through rough trainee days, a small cramped dorm, no money and experience and no promise to make it big. They hadn’t been supported by their own parents, but that's what made them who they are today, BTS, the biggest boy band in the world, from monster rookies to global stars. 

It was destiny which brought them together; a red string of fate connecting the seven of them, but it was their hard work and perseverance, commitment and passion that made them international celebrities. They had lived the darkest and the most difficult days of their lives together, grown up together and chose to stay and work their asses off. They always worked their differences out, made Bangtan their priority and that was the reason for their success. 

The last decade flashes in front of Taehyung's eyes as he sits in the passenger seat beside Jimin . The wind plays with his fluffy black hair as he smiles at the joke Hoseok just cracked and Jimin looks at him with soft eyes filled with concern. He smiles back at him as his mind wanders to the rest of the members. Seokjin and Yoongi are in a different car, as are Namjoon and Jungkook, and Taehyung can't stop feeling anxious.

He fiddles with his fingers, thinks about how all of them seem so distanced. He tries shoving the thought away but he knows he can't hide from the truth anymore. It might be his overthinking but that's what he has figured out. There have been countless indications, but he turned a blind eye to it. The seven of them had been busy but they always took time for the family dinner Seokjin cooked every Friday. After, they used to have a movie marathon and would spend the whole day lazing around, playing games. He can't help but realize they didn't do any of these things anymore, and Taehyung can’t help but think it might be because he had locked himself inside the room except for practice and rehearsals. The group didn't have any drinking sessions; hadn’t had any  fancy dinners and picnics for a very long time now. He can’t help but feel guilty. The last few months had been hell for him, which in turn had made the things tense and awkward between all of them.

He shouldn't have been here, it's all his fault this is happening. He isn't supposed to be here. 

He forces himself to stop biting his lips and smile for the sake of cameras so he takes out his phone to avoid looking at Jimin. Hoseok plugs his airpods in and bobs his head, enjoying whatever song he is playing. Taehyung scrolls through twitter, liking and retweeting; reading fans’ comforting words.

 "Are you okay?" Says Jimin, suddenly. 

He looks at Jimin, who is wearing a pink hanbok. It was cute, but honestly, everything Jimin wore looked cute on him. “I'm okay." 

"Are you sure? You can talk to me, Tae."

There's a long pause as he stares out the window, smiling with a hint of sadness, just a little curve of his lips pulled upwards. He thinks about all the time he has spent with them, the laughter, the tears, the whole struggle and training before getting it this big, where the whole world recognizes you. He thinks about love and loss, success and failure and all the things he has sacrificed to be where he is. 

"Jimin-ah." His voice is a low whisper when he speaks. 

Jimin listens to him attentively. "Yeah?" 

"Jimin-ah, have I made poor choices?" 

Jimin crinkles his eyebrows as though taken aback and looks at him keenly. He quickly composes himself and holds his hand, rubbing circles over it. "We all do, don't worry."

"But I hurt him so much. I hurt all of you, every day. Am I even supposed to be here?" His voice cracks a bit, eyes growing wet with unshed tears as his lower lip trembles. 

"Yah, what makes you think like that? You were always supposed to be here. Don't ever doubt yourself." Jimin’s pitch goes a bit higher as he squeezes Taehyung's hand. Jimin is his soulmate, his bestest friend. Taehyung knows Jimin wants to help him but Taehyung doesn’t want help. He always pushes everyone away.

"But no one would hurt a person they love, right?" Taehyung has a dejected look on his face as he looks at Jimin. 

"We always hurt the person we love. We can't hurt the person we don't love, Tae. We can't hurt the person who doesn't love us because they simply have no expectations from us.” 

Taehyung thinks Jimin is right — But that's the problem.

"Don't beat yourself up over it. It's okay to make bad decisions or poor choices. It helps you grow and evolve in life. Mistakes help you learn, and you’re allowed to feel what you feel. Don’t let anyone change that. I know, for a fact, that what happened was not your fault. You weren’t in a good place, if you hadn’t done what you did, it might have ended really bad. He understood that too and he gave you your space, did he not?” 

Jimin’s words squeezes his heart and it pains him to think about those days. The days that made him hurt the closest people in his life, those who love him with all their heart. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t stop thinking about how it was all his fault. 

“You are friends before everything else, Tae. He understands what you’re going through and he’ll always be there for you, all of us will be. It’s not your fault, baby.” 

Taehyung gives Jimin a small smile, assuring him he’s fine. Jimin smiles back encouragingly. He looks out the window.

“But it is my fault.” He speaks in a hushed whisper. They drive past the trees and sidewalks, and Taehyung's smile falters. They are off to a destination for the shooting of their new show, In the Soop , which has a theme of healing and comfort. 

The group was heartbroken upon the cancellation of their MOTS world tour because of Covid's rapid spread. They had been preparing for the concerts all around the world, happy to see, and perform for ARMY, but the universe had other plans. Taehyung specifically had been dealing with a lot of issues and the tour cancellation added to his worries. They had all broken down, but then Namjoon sat them together and had a talk. He was trying to be positive — strong for all of them as their leader — but Taehyung swears he heard his voice crack and saw tears in his eyes. The news was a huge blow. 

The company instead planned a new show revolving around the themes of healing, where members also had a chance for a vacation and in a peaceful environment. All of them had refused at first, still not over the fact that they couldn't perform in front of their fans. They had grown distant from one another, doing nothing and spending time in their own rooms. Finally, Namjoon had talked to them, telling them that they needed this, the healing, the comfort and the vacation. Namjoon had always been the wise one after all.

So, here they are, off to a beautiful place. Taehyung is honestly a bit worried, because all he can think about are those big, bambi eyes flooding with tears.

🌳

If there's anything that upsets Taehyung to a huge degree, it is staying away from Jungkook, without a doubt. 

Jungkook has to go to the studio with Yoongi and Namjoon to record and the rest of the group go to dance practice. Taehyung keeps whining the whole time during the ride because he believes the world is snatching Jungkook away from him. "Dramatic," is what Seokjin says when Taehyung fake cries while kissing Jungkook. Jimin and Hoseok smile and teaseh im while Yoongi rolls his eyes, saying grumpily, "Can you fucking hurry up? I'm sleepy so I need to get this done soon."

Taehyung gives him a pointed look, ready to pounce on his hyung when Jimin says, "When are you not, hyung?" All of them giggle because there's going to be a Yoongi - Jimin bickering session now. 

Taehyung knows Yoongi is kidding. Yoongi absolutely adores the two youngest members. He loves them but would never admit to it and Taehyung is grateful. He's grateful for all of them for having his back whenever he falls, for supporting him through every walk of his life and for encouraging him and Jungkook to pursue a relationship even when two guys in love were discriminated against in South Korea. Being gay and out could cost them their whole careers if anyone were to find out. Despite that, the other members told them to follow their hearts and be with someone who made them happy. Taehyung was worried because his career and life were linked to six other boys. He had to think about them too, but his hyungs told him not to worry, and follow his heart.. He loves all of his hyungs so much for accepting them.

Jungkook presses a hard kiss to Taehyung's mouth, breaking him from his reverie., He then throws a dazzling smile in his direction. Taehyung's heart swells with adoration for the boy. 

Later that night, he scrolls through Twitter on his secret account when Jungkook enters the room, walking over to lay in his lap. Taehyung puts his phone aside, giving his full attention to Jungkook. 

"How was your day, baby? Was Yoongi hyung too hard on you?" He asks, tone laced with concern. 

Jungkook chuckles and closes his eyes. "You and I both know he loves me too much to do that." 

"Well, that's true. He wouldn't ever be hard on you."

Jungkook smiles and directs Taehyung's hand to his hair. "Make me sleep, it was a long day." 

Taehyung pecks his forehead before starting to play with Jungkook's hair. Jungkook loves it when Taehyung does that. It calms him down and he feels comforted and safe. It was his habit long before they started dating. Taehyung is his safe place.

Taehyung picks up the phone from the side table and starts scrolling through the app again with one hand while brushing Jungkook’s hair with the other. He finds some beautiful edits and is surprised by how good all of them are. He likes some and retweets others. He’s still scrolling absently, when one particular tweet gets his attention. 

He knows he shouldn't open it, knows it'll mess him up, he knows he didn't make this account for this kind of stuff, knows that he'll regret it. However, he eventually does. His heart beats loudly in his chest as he gulps and clicks on the tweet.

Curiosity kills the cat, someone rightly said.

The tweet is basically a thread - "times when taehyung was too clingy and jungkook didn’t like it one bit"  There's a picture of him with Jungkook, with a red cross mark over his body. He opens the thread and reads over until the end. The user has pointed out how Jungkook doesn't like when Taehyung gets too close to him, that Taehyung makes him uncomfortable. They go on to say Taehyung should stay away from the maknae because apparently Jungkook and Jimin are dating, and oh by the way, the user has pictures to prove their point. The person doesn’t know them, they don’t know what conversations they were having in those pictures, they have no idea who Jungkook, Jimin and Taehyung really are. Yet they hate Taehyung because they’re a jikook stan. 

Taehyung wants to laugh at the thread, but he can't. His eyes fall on Jungkook’s face who is sleeping peacefully in his lap, and his heart cracks. Does he really make Jungkook uncomfortable? Is Jungkook really annoyed by his clinginess? He swallows the lump forming in his throat and looks up at the ceiling, blinking his eyes rapidly. He wouldn’t care if Jungkook and Jimin dated. That would mean Jungkook likes Jimin and honestly, he would have been happy for them. However, that isn’t the case, Jungkook doesn't like Jimin as more than a friend. He likes Taehyung as more than a friend, heck, he even loves him. Taehyung loves Jungkook in return; the boy means so much to him. 

So, he tries to forget the tweet — it’s far from the truth. Jungkook doesn’t find his clinginess annoying. Jungkook doesn’t feel uncomfortable around him. And that doesn’t even matter. What matters is that Jungkook is here with him, sleeping in his lap; he feels like the luckiest man in this world.  

Taehyung places his phone on the side table and relaxes into bed, adjusting Jungkook and making sure he doesn’t disturb his sleep. Jungkook groans in his sleep and wraps himself around Taehyung, as Taehyung lies down beside him. Taehyung smiles fondly at his boyfriend and hugs him closer, kissing his hair and going to sleep.

Jungkook is in his arms, sleeping — the words of a stranger on the internet shouldn’t affect him.

🌳

They reach the house they’re going to spend a week in for filming. There are two houses and a floating house, surrounded by lots of greenery and a lake on one side. The staff let them choose their rooms as they roam around the location, surprised by how beautiful and refreshing it is.

Being the eldest of the group, Seokjin and Yoongi are worried about dinner and after choosing their rooms, they go straight to the kitchen. Jungkook chooses to stay at the boat house and Taehyung knows he did that on purpose. 

Jungkook looks down, upset and Taehyung knows he’s the reason and it pains him. 

The distance between them breaks Taehyung’s heart and he really wants them to stop being that way. But he decides to stay away from the younger one for the whole trip to avoid making him more upset. It isn’t much of a struggle now that he’s been doing it for months. Being in one room and still not talking. It was hard at first; Jungkook had been his whole life and he still is, but Taehyung had to make choices for his own sanity. 

The members were taken aback when they heard about Taehyung and Jungkook’s break up. Taehyung and Jungkook were literally attached at the hip since before their debut. Therefore, it was quite a shock,but they all had been supportive. They supported him when he decided to break up with Jungkook, they supported him when he got into a depression and when he wasn’t himself. They supported him when he struggled with things because of the pandemic and couldn’t ask for more. 

They had all supported Taehyung in different ways. Seokjin had cooked him delicious meals, trying new recipes every day and bringing him his favorite food. Yoongi did what he was good at:music. He wrote songs for him, produced for him and helped him write lyrics to heal. Hoseok was there to make him laugh, to not let him mull in his sadness. Hoseok dragged him to dance practices and played games with him. Namjoon’s words always made him cry, gave him hope and helped him to overcome his struggles. Namjoon was always comforting, like he had an answer to every problem in this world. 

When it came to Jimin, words fell short because Jimin was literally there with him through thick and thin. Jimin listened to his rants, his troubles and his thoughts, and all the while never complained. Jimin cried with him too and hugged him to sleep. 

And Jungkook, it was like he never left. For Taehyung, Jungkook was always beside him — maybe not physically because Taehyung had pushed him away, but from afar.  Jungkook had the ice cream from that shop in Seoul they frequented delivered. Jungkook always helped Seokjin cook the meals for Taehyung. Once, he sent in a recording, to him and Yoongi, of a new song he was working on. Taehyung cried for hours because Jungkook sounded so desperate and sad on the track. And he also knew the pretty flowers and little comforting notes on his side table every morning were from Jungkook. He missed his best friend but pushed him away because he had no courage. He wanted him back but again, he had no courage and wasn’t in  a very good place.

They all had given him space. They had yet to cross the boundaries Taehyung had set for himself. He was isolated and stayed in his own company most of the time. Nevertheless, Jungkook was still there, silently. He used to play Taehyung’s favorite songs on his guitar while sitting outside his room, so Taehyung never felt lonely. Taehyung had sobbed for hours because of how understanding Jungkook was. He wondered if he even deserved Jungkook, the boy had literally been a sunshine for Taehyung.

“Taehyung-ah, do you want to play a game?” Hoseok asks him, while Taehyung is lost in reverie. The others have retreated to their rooms to freshen up. 

“No, hyung. I want to rest for a while.” Taehyung smiles despite the anxiety pumping through his nerves. 

“As you wish, Taehyungie.” Hoseok ruffles his hair and gives him a blinding smile as Taehyung walks up the stairs to his room. 

🌳

Most days, Taehyung loves his job. Being an idol is stressful, but he loves dancing, he loves singing, he loves his bandmates. There are also days that are difficult — downright impossible, even, but he overcomes them with his positive and cheerful outlook. Idols have to go through rigorous things: late-night schedules, choreography, interviews and hate. Getting hate is something that really disturbs and demotivates him. 

Taehyung thinks he is  past the phase of someone ruining his day with their words on his phone screen. He is wrong. 

He is scrolling through Twitter again when a notification pops up. An account is asking the whole fandom to block and report an account that is talking bad about Taehyung. Taehyung avoids looking at it but his eyes betray him as he looks at his name written in capital letters. His eyes skim over the adjectives: ugly, talentless, annoying, pathetic besides his name. Finally they land on one sentence and get rooted. KIM TAEHYUNG LEAVE BTS. 

And Taehyung’s whole world crashes down around him. He stares at the screen, dumbfounded.hy would someone say that? He is good at being an idol; he’s a good singer and now a great dancer too. Even Hoseok praised him for his dance, which is quite a big deal. Then, why do people think he doesn’t deserve to be in Bangtan? 

Is it his face? He doesn’t have the visuals like Seokjin. Is it his deep voice? Jungkook’s voice is far better than his. Is it poor dance skills? Hoseok is literally the God of dancing. Or is it his cheerful and loud nature? Yoongi is quiet and sober on camera. It might be the weight; he’s quite heavy compared to Jimin.. Finally, there is Namjoon, a leader. Taehyung can never be a leader. 

He has nothing extraordinary or good about him compared to the other members. He gets exhausted, he takes a lot of time to learn choreography and he’s apparently ugly and pathetic, so naturally anyone would want him to leave. He wasn’t even supposed to be in the group, he had only ever come to support his friend but ended up auditioning for BigHit.

Namjoon had warned them multiple times about the dark side of social media. If they stumbled across a negative post they should close the site as soon as possible. And if it bothered them, Namjoon asked them to come to him or any other member to talk. Taehyung didn’t want pity; he was the one to hide his problems deep inside.

He clicks on another post and ignores all the words Namjoon ever said,ignores all the pain previous words inflicted on his heart.  He goes to a bathroom stall and locks himself inside. The members are in the practice room, going over the choreography and perfecting it. 

His eyes fall on the next tweet. A video is attached where his voice slightly cracks during one of the stage performances last year. He remembers how he had cried for along time afterwards, and the way the other members comforted him. The tweet says, “can’t even sing properly. taehyung please do not embarrass them further with your ugly talentless self & leave the group asap.” 

The words feel like a punch to his gut, like a knife plunged deep inside his heart, someone stabbing it repeatedly. His eyes stings and fat tears roll down his cheeks before he even realizes he’s crying. He clutches his chest as if doing so would stop it from hurting. Biting his lower lip, Taehyung forces himself to stifle the sobs leaving his mouth. He feels like a useless person. He wants to scream. He wants to cry. He wants to rip apart the whole world into shreds. 

That doesn’t stop him from reading more tweets. He knows he shouldn’t, he knows it’s not healthy. He knows it’ll scar him for life, but he still can’t stop himself. Taehyung is biting his lips so hard, they’re going to bleed. Looking up at the ceiling, he tries to keep his tears at bay, silently sobbing at the cruel tweets. All the preconceived thoughts of him not being bothered by the rude comments shatter as his heart cries.. 

The world tour cancellation already had him broken-hearted. Taehyung was still dealing with the fact that they weren’t able to perform in front of their fans, and they didn’t know for how long. They were musicians who fed off of the crowd's cheers and applause— their fans' praise. It gave them strength, and now they were deprived of it.  

He looks down at his phone screen, and saw another tweet. A tweet which was probably about him. Not caring about his sanity anymore, he kept looking. He couldn’t stop himself now. Taehyung needs to know. Needs to know his shortcomings, needs to know his mistakes, needs to know what the public thinks about him and he absolutely needs to know if he really deserves this place in Bangtan. All these tweets have him doubting himself and his insecurities he thought he’d recovered from have resurfaced.. 

Taehyung’s vision is blurry when he reads the next one with a heavy, sinking heart, “BTS has 6 beautiful angels Joon, Jin, Hobi, Yoongi, Jimin, and Jungkook who deserve the world and then there’s the roach named Taehyung #Taehyungleavebts.” 

Taehyung’s heart literally stops for a second. There’s a deafening silence and then: He falls down on his knees, clutching his heart to stop the pain and hurt tearing him apart. A miserable sob escapes his lips as tears roll down his eyes. His heart sinks, and he feels a sharp pain shoot through his chest. Letting his head fall back, he tries stifling his sobs that wrack his body, shaking violently from the force of crying.Suddenly, his phone dings. 

He remembers all the times he was a complete mess. Times when he couldn’t the steps right after being taught several times. Times when he couldn’t sing properly or was out of tune. He remembers the times his grandmother died and he was a complete disaster, not able to focus on anything. The antis were right. He couldn’t do anything right. He didn’t deserve to be here. 

Gathering all his courage, he picks up his phone and unlocks it, his body still shaking and his vision blurred. Soft pants leave his mouth. He feels the metallic taste of blood on his lips from biting on them so hard. 

With trembling hands, he reads the text. The words overwhelm him and make him crumble as more whines leave his lips.

❤️My love❤️

I love you, hyung <3

🌳

They had spent the last two day doing leisure activities: playing games, singing, and painting. The purpose of the show, healing and sooping, as they said is being fulfilled. The members are enjoying their time in the forest, away from their busy and hectic schedules the idol life came with. 

They are bonding again, spending quality time with each other. Taehyung is so grateful for the time. He is guilty of being the one driving the band apart so he was happy this show is bringing them back together. Though Jungkook still behaved a little estranged, Taehyung was happy he was not completely avoiding him. Like yesterday when Jungkook was frying sausages, andTaehyung was cutting melon, and feeding Jungkook little slices of it. Jungkook smiled. He was looking so cute, his black, silky hair falling into his eyes and Taehyung had the urge to hug him. 

So he did. It wasn’t entirely a hug, but he put his head on the younger’s shoulder and hugged his waist from the side. Jungkook was startled for a second before patting his hair and smiling at him. Jungkook was too good for him. 

Or this one time when they were scraping and washing the cauldron after lunch. Jungkook had tickled and picked him up and Taehyung was happy they were getting back to normal. They also boxed together; Taehyung started using Jungkook’s abs as a punching bag and the younger man played along. They laughed and played together after so long and it made his heart soar with happiness. 

The cameras were a little less focused on them. Namjoon had requested the staff not to film much of their time alone together. They were already avoiding each other and the moments when they were together in the same room were rare. When they were together they didn't talk to each other and Namjoon was worried that if a clip aired, it would raise speculations. Namjoon didn't want that. He wanted to avoid such things as much as he could. 

Taehyung misses Jungkook. A lot. He misses his boyfriend, his best friend. When he was hesitant to confess to the younger, it was because he was worried about ruining their friendship. It did, though, but it was getting better. Both of them were trying. Jungkook is literally his best friend, the best friend anyone could ask for. Taehyung remembers the big, doe-eyed boy who had come to Seoul at just the age of thirteen. Jungkook didn’t talk to anyone, he was too shy to do that, he even used to shower when everyone slept. Taehyung found Jungkook so fucking endearing. He immediately befriended him and with his bubbly and outgoing nature, he helped the younger come out of his shell. 

Taehyung’s thoughts come to a halt when Jimin laughs loudly, throwing himself to the ground at some joke of Hoseok. Seokjin and Yoongi went to the lake because Seokjin is obsessed with fishing. He doesn’t care if he doesn’t catch a single fish. Namjoon is reading a book under the shade as a light drizzle falls. Jungkook is painting something and Taehyung wants to tuck Jungkook’s hair behind his ears that are falling over his eyes. 

Taehyung, Hoseok and Jimin are going on about a song Taehyung is playing on the piano and he has no idea how they all end up creating a song for In The Soop. Namjoon and Jungkook sit in the living room, singing along with them as Seokjin joins them. Yoongi rushes to the camper van to bring his equipment to record the song. He came prepared. 

Life with the members is easy and peaceful. Being with them brings happiness to his heart. They’re literally his entire world. They have been there since the start and growing up with them fills his heart with adoration and love. Every single one of them is precious to him. They have helped him overcome the darkest phase in his life. He might not have healed completely but they are responsible for the man he’s become in these months. Standing with him in every walk of life, supporting him endlessly, not questioning his decisions. Taehyung is so thankful to them.

He looks at their smiling faces, laughing and singing,and his heart fills with fondness for them. He feels relaxed and calm. He knows they’ll be fine. Everything will be fine as long as they’re together. He decides in that moment of time, in the middle of laughter and smiles, in the blink of an eye…. He’ll never let them go. 

Today is a good day. He feels calm, like the storm raging inside him the last few months is finally ending. He feels as though he could make things right with Jungkook without risking everything. He could do this. 

Until he couldn’t. 

The moment isn’t explosive. In fact, it is almost anti-climatic — just eye contact with Jungkook as he looks at him from across the room. The look is so deep, dejected and mournful; a deep sadness in Jungkook’s eyes,  his lips curling up into a small sad smile. His sweaty, wet hair falls over his forehead as he stares at Taehyung, smiling and Taehyung’s voice dies down, halting his singing. He holds his breath the entire time, heart fluttering uncomfortably as he tries to look away, but he’s bewitched. Tears glint in Jungkook’s unhappy eyes,holding him captive as his chest clenches. He hurls off the couch to run to his room before his tears betray him, yanking his eyes away without a word. . 

Jungkook is left alone with his tears, again. 

🌳

Taehyung avoids talking to anyone for the whole day. His eyes are swollen due to crying so much but he makes excuses and goes back to the dorms. When Jungkook comes back, Taehyung pretends to sleep to avoid answering his boyfriend’s questions. 

The next day is a busy day since they have online interviews and rehearsal planned. He reaches the practice room before everyone else and starts dancing. The choreography is difficult and he needs some guidance from Hoseok. However, he’s hell bent on proving everyone wrong. He deserves to be here, right? 

He connects his phone to the speaker and puts on the latest track. Taehyung lets his body loose. He swirls around the room, looking at himself in the mirror.After some time, his body remembers the beat, following the steps the choreographer had been teaching them for the past month. He kneels down, letting his hands follow the rhythm and gets back up. However, he misses a beat and is a little late for the next step. 

He restarts the song and begins dancing again. He’s a little faster than the beat now and tugs at his hair in frustration. The next few minutes are spent exhausting himself. He dances with vigor and makes silly mistakes. He feels his cheeks dampening as he swirls again. 

Time passes painfully slow, a blur, as he falls down on the wooden floor at the wrong angle, he twists his right ankle. There is commotion and various voices as he feels himself being lifted by Jungkook.

Jungkook’s concerned voice is deafening. “Hyung, are you okay? Are you hurt? Please, tell me you’re fine?” 

Taehyung feels like floating in air, the voices telling him he’s not good enough to be in the band and he bursts into tears. Jungkook holds him in his arms, hugging him closely, his face masked with concern. 

When Taehyung’s sobs die down after some time, he sees himself surrounded by his hyungs, in the arms of his boyfriend. He tries sitting up and Jungkook helps him sit on the floor, still hugging him from the side. 

Jungkook’s frantic voice is filled with panic as he speaks, “Hyung, what happened?”

“Taehyung-ah, you okay?” Namjoon asks him. 

Taehyung looks at the faces of the members with questioning eyes, and tries to think of an excuse to get past their interrogation. 

“Why were you practicing so early in the morning? What’s going on?” Yoongi’s voice is laced with concern.

“It’s okay, hyungs. I’m fine. Don’t worry.” Taehyung disregards their concern and smiles at them to make his excuse believable. 

“Kim Taehyung,” a stern voice of Jimin is heard and he looks up to see an even more stern expression of his. Taehyung gulps. 

“You better explain this otherwise I’m going to starve you to death,” Seokjin speaks up for the first time and his expression tells Taehyung he would not hesitate to do so. 

"Taehyungie, tell hyungs? We’re here for you.” Hoseok ruffles his hair and pecks his forehead, encouraging him to speak up. 

Jungkook intertwines their fingers and kisses the back of Taehyung’s hand and he considers for a second to tell them the truth. Although, he stops himself because he doesn’t want to burden them with his problems. 

“It’s nothing serious, I promise.” Taehyung’s eyes roam around, looking at everyone, and trying to lie with a straight face. “I was worried about this choreo and making mistakes, so I came earlier and ended up exhausting and hurting myself.” 

“You sure that’s all?” The interrogating eyes of Yoongi bores into him and he nods with a smile. 

“You don’t have anything else to say?” Seokjin is the one to ask next. 

“No hyungs, that’s all. I swear to god, y’all are so annoying.”

“Fine. We’re having a break today since you hurt yourself. I talked to manager hyung and he said that we didn’t have much planned for today so we can take a day or two off. And he asked all of us to take care of you.” Namjoon speaks in a serious tone and Taehyung is annoyed. He wants to be alone. 

“I’m not a child. I can take care of myself.” Taehyng rolls his eyes at them.

“Shut up.” The six of them collectively say and Taehyung is forced to shut up. 

🌳

Jungkook places him on the bed, putting a blanket over him and forcing him to sleep. He pecks his lips and sits beside him.

“I can take care of myself, Jungkookie. I’m not hurt,” says Taehyung.

“Hyung?” Jungkook holds his hand and plays with his fingers. Taehyung’s eyes water. “Mhm.”

“Will you be truthful to me?” Jungkook asks, kissing his knuckles, voice so soft Taehyung wants to melt.

 “When did I ever lie to you, Gukkie?” Taehyung is scared. He doesn’t want Jungkook to ask about the morning incident. He fears he wouldn’t be able to lie to him. Earlier, it was all of them, but now it is Jungkook, alone. He thinks he cannot get away with that. 

“Just an hour ago, in the practice room.” Jungkook speaks after a while before placing Taehyung’s hand over his right cheek. “What’s bothering you? You can tell me, I’m always here, you know that, right?” 

Taehyung cups both his cheeks, and smiles. He loves the boy so much, he’s his whole world but he wonders now, if he deserves him. “I love you, please remember that,” he says in a  hushed whisper and then lands a soft peck on Jungkook’s lips. A tear rolls down his eye as Jungkook deepens the kiss, nibbling at his bottom lip. Taehyung wants to savor the feeling, it feels like home. Jungkook feels like home. He is his home. 

“And I love you, so please remember that, too.” Jungkook says, close to his lips and then moves to kiss Taehyung’s tears away, kissing his closed eyes. “If it gets overwhelming, if you cannot handle it alone, and if you feel like falling, just come to me. I’ll be there to catch you, always.” 

They join their foreheads, closing their eyes and taking in the beauty of the moment, letting it all absorb in their hearts. 

“Always.” Taehyung replies.

  🌳

Jungkook a nd Jimin are playing a video game, their loud voices and laughter echoes in the living room. Taehyung is sitting at the kitchen table, looking at them fondly as he plays a game on his phone.

After his breakdown in the washroom and the day after in the practice room, he hasn’t been the same. Things have started to crawl up to him, sticking to him for long as he’s overthinking everything. 

He feels like shit. Everyday is miserable as he tries to get through the day with self deprecating thoughts.He realizes he has become unproductive. He’s not able to write lyrics, they’re not coming to him as easily as before. His mixtape is stuck and every song he has added feels  mediocre. He wants to write something people can relate to, something that makes them happy and leaves them feeling peaceful, but nothing he does is satisfactory. The lack of music in his life makes him feel vulnerable. 

His relationship with Jungkook is at stake too. He’s left second guessing everything the younger man does and it honestly makes him feel like such a horrible boyfriend. He knows he shouldn’t, because he knows Jungkook will always love him no matter what, he will love him at his worst and best, he will love him with everything he has but as he sees him laughing in pure ecstasy at something Jimin said, he’s left wondering if Jungkook is as, if not more, happy when he’s with him. 

So, he tries lessening his glances during interviews. He holds out a stiff-arm when Jungkook comes racing towards him after practice. He stops cuddling him at night. He starts avoiding going on dates with him. He starts sitting next to Jimin in van-rides back to the dorms. He starts decreasing his interactions with Jungkook. 

He starts talking less to all of them. He stops laughing. And he starts locking himself up inside his room. 

But he’s miserable. 

He misses his boyfriend, his friends. He misses the soft giggles and doe-eyed looks, and the way Jungkook smelled of vanilla. He misses warm hands wrapped around him as he sleeps. He misses their late night, convenience store trips, which Namjoon warned them of several times. He misses their karaoke sessions and dates, full of laughter and smiles. He misses how his heart fluttered everytime Jungkook touched him or even looked at him. 

Everything is falling apart. 

They’re falling apart.

All Taehyung wants is one more hug. He wants to hold Jungkook and be held by him in turn, he wants to caress the hair on the back of his neck, to comb it with his finger, to hear his giggles as they lay in bed. He wants to go back to when he could simply be with his boyfriend. 

But he’d ruined it all.

He is running away from Jungkook — his Jungkook. A coward  — that’s what he is. A stupid, talentless boy who doesn’t deserve this place. 

🌳

Taehyung ends up wrapping himself in the blankets in his room. Jungkook’s eyes haunt him. The sadness and hollowness, the despair and disappointment they held are enough to remind Taehyung he’s the reason for it all. The reason for their break up, of them drifting so far away from each other. Jungkook had tried hard enough but Taehyung had pushed him away. 

Taehyung can’t breathe.

He bites his lips hard enough, blood draws out of them and lets his tears roll down. Violent cries wracks his body and he feels suffocated. Taehyung is crying, gut-wrenching sobs that twists his stomach until he feels sick. Grabbing at the front of his shirt, he twists the fabric around his hand, closing his eyes with a whimper. 

He doesn’t know when Jimin enters the room, hysterical at his state, trying to console him. Jimin gathers him in his arms, rocking him back and forth and rubbing his back and head. “Shush, shush. It’s okay, I’m here.” 

“N-nothing is okay, Min,” he stutters while crying and pushes Jimin away. “I — I’m going to l-lose him, for real this time, and — and he’ll never come back n-now.” He cries vigorously, sobs so loud they scare Jimin. “Bu-but I think I already lost h-him.” His muscles tighten and his heart sinks, until he’s bending over, clutching at his stomach, fairly certain he’s going to throw up. 

“Taehyungie, he loves you.” Jimin holds him in his arms again, rubbing his back.

“I hurt him.” His voice is low, and rough as more sobs wreck his body. 

“You two have avoided this topic long enough. I know it’s hard. I know you’re scared, but Taehyung, I know how much you love Kook. I also know how much he loves you. So just talk to him and sort this out.” 

A fresh set of tears gather in his eyes and roll down his cheeks, his body trembling in Jimin’s hold. He hears the familiar roaring in his ear, high-pitched and shrill. The room is closing in on him, pressing against his body until he’s scratching at his arms, nails digging into his skin, leaving long, red welts. 

“Taehyungie, stop. It’s okay. Calm down, please,” pleads Jimin looking at the vulnerable state of Taeyung, Jimin starts tearing up himself. He calms the boy in his arms he loves so much, his best friend, his soulmate as his heart cries at the pain he’s going through. “I’m here for you. I’m so sorry, please calm down baby.” Jimin can’t stop his tears from falling.

After a while of Jimin rocking him in his arms, trying to calm him, Taehyung’s tears dry down but his body is still quivering from the aftershocks and hiccups when Jimin soothes him. “You’re okay, hmm.” 

“Jiminie, thank you for always being there for me. I love you.” Taehyung hiccups in between and wipes Jimin’s tears. “I’m sorry for always bothering you.”

“Shut up. I told you, you can always come to me and be a bother. I love you and Kook so much, I’m worried about you.” Jimin hugs him close and Taehyung wraps his legs around his waist, cuddling him. 

“Wh-what if he turns me down? I’ve hurt him so much in these months.

“He’s always going to be your Jungkook.” 

Taehyung wants to scream, because yes, yes, he’s always going to be his Jungkook. 

🌳

Taehyung has successfully pushed everyone away: especially Jungkook. He doesn’t talk to anyone, stays in his room all the time in the dorm, doesn’t go out and only comes out if there's practice or interviews are lined up. There aren’t any performances, at least, because of the pandemic. At practice sessions,interviews or any other group activity such as the shoot of Run BTS or brand photoshoots, he avoids everyone by wearing his airpods that Jungkook gifted to him. He pretends to be listening to music so no one talks to him. They are all giving him space and time. Jungkook starts hanging out more with his friends, coming home late and Taehyung can’t even complain.

With their schedules picking up, it is a rare occasion when they are alone together and the lack of Jungkook in his life is beginning to unnerve him. He feels weary, exhausted from early mornings and late nights, from difficult choreos and vocal lessons, from forcing a smile on camera, from answering the same questions in every interview. Taehyung is exhausted and stressed out. And with the exhaustion comes a crushing, yet not unfamiliar, homesickness.  

When he first joined BigHit, he’d missed his home. He’d missed his mom, his dad, his grandmother, his siblings and friends. But the longer he spent the years away from his home, the less painful the homesickness became. That hollowness for his childhood home never left, but home wasn’t that town anymore, it wasn’t even a place or the farm he grew up in, it became a person — a single person. 

And being away from that one person, not talking and holding him, has begun to dig a hole in his heart, the hollowness grows with each day and the sadness spreads all around. 

They are still in the same band though, still forced into the same conference rooms, the same studios, the same dance practices, the same meeting rooms, the same dormitory. They sit across each other on the dinner table silently, both of them ignoring the awkward silence. Seokjin had literally dragged him out of his room. Taehyung can imagine the conversations happening behind their backs, the hushed whispers between recording sessions, the murmurs in the kitchen, the conversations happening in the quiet of their bedrooms at night. He didn’t want to burden them with his problems so he pretended he was okay. All of them know how good he is at pretending.

It is no surprise for him when they finally grow tired of it.

“Jungkook,” Namjoon said, gathering and shoving his things inside his bag. “I need you to stay behind and work on this song with Taehyung.”

“I’m tired,” Jungkook said, voice thick with distress as he brushes his hair back. “Can’t you or Yoongi hyung stay? You’d help him better anyway.”

“Me and Namjoonie are heading over for a meeting with the manager.” Yoongi said, getting ready to go out of the studio.

“But —”  Jungkook begins, eyes glancing toward Taehyung nervously, before darting to Jimin, as if he might come to his rescue. Jimin ignores him, walking out of the recording studio without a second glance, Seokjin and Hoseok following shortly behind. 

“Thanks, Jungkookie,” Namjoon says, offering a faint smile before looking directly at Taehyung. “Tae, just relax, you’ll be done with it in no time.” 

Except he is done with it, it’s been long he’s done with it. Yoongi had helped him with the lyrics before their practice and he was sure he could write them.. 

This is a set-up. 

Namjoon and Yoongi leave together, swinging their backpacks over their shoulders, leaving Taehyung and Jungkook alone for the first time in weeks. Neither of them look at each other, the silence is deafening. 

“Show me,” Jungkook says coldly, walking over to the couch.

“Huh?” Taehyung stares at him, blankly, still sitting on the chair.

“Show me the lyrics, hyung,” Jungkook says again, pulling Taehyung out of his reverie. Taehyung feels himself startled by the sharp voice. 

“Yeah, the lyrics, right.” He mumbles and Jungkook looks confused, one eyebrow raised. 

He walks toward Jungkook and stands in front of him, extending his hand which holds a notebook. The younger looks him in the eyes and Taehyung looks away. He scolds his heart to stop fluttering at just eye contact. Jungkook doesn’t take his eyes away from him, taking the notebook from his hand. 

“You can sit down, hyung.” And Taehyung nods, moving back to the chair he was sitting at, as far away as he can from his boyfriend. 

Boyfriend? Is he even allowed to call him that anymore? Are they even in a relationship anymore? And all these thoughts hurt.. 

Jungkook forces his eyes to look away from Taehyung and opens the bookmarked page. He looks over at the scribbled words in messy writing. There are many strikethroughs over the sentences along with crosses to cut out the words.Jungkook can relate. His lyrics’ notebook is way messier than Taehyung’s. 

Taehyung gazes at Jungkook analyzing the words for way too long. He observes how his expressions changes from pained to pity, to ease, to desperation. Taehyung revels in the fact that he can read Jungkook like an open book, so when he squints his eyes and looks up at him with a faltering smile, Taehyung knows he knows. 

“I want to listen to it,” Jungkook says with a finality in his words and Taehyung can’t help but hear.

“I recorded a bit of it, so, I —”

“Whatever it is, even if it’s one line that you recorded, I want to listen to it.” Jungkook stares at his face. Desperation riddles his voice. Taehyung can't look away. The love, the pain, and longing his eyes hold makes Taehyung want to go hug him right there and then. He looks away eventually, and presses some buttons for the song to play. Yoongi had made him record some of it the day before. He wanted to include it into his mixtape but Yoongi liked it so much, he wanted it to be in the album. Even Namjoon was impressed.

Where's my angel?
I'm sick and tired of everything
Someone come and save myself
Cause I can't take it anymore
Everywhere I go, everywhere I see
Can you look at me and say I'm looking free

Taehyung’s deep and calm voice echoes in the studio as both of them listen to the song. Jungkook ducks his head down, and gets lost in the voice. He notices the lingering sadness, longing and pain the lyrics hold. His heart sinks. 

Every time I cry every time I smile
Can you look at me 'cause I'm blue and grey?
Every time I cry every time I smile
Can you look at me 'cause I'm blue and grey?

He realizes the pain and anguish the lyrics hold, tearing his heart apart and making him want to just hold the elder and take all his sadness away. The fact that it’s Taehyung who wrote it and it’s him singing with so much desperation in his voice hits harder because the boy is literally always smiling and happy, jumping around. It’s so hard for Jungkook to accept and process it and he doesn’t know how to feel about it. The thought of Taehyung being sick and tired, desperately begging for happiness and just find a sense of direction is heart wrenching and it shatters Jungkook’s heart to know that the boy who always smiles the biggest, who is always ready to help others and be there for them, who is all rainbows and sunshine is broken. 

I just wanna be happier
Baby don't let me go
I feel tired in the winter sky
Wish I could be stronger

Tears roll down his eyes as the room goes quiet; complete silence. His heart breaks because the voice holds a burning ache, a yearning for happiness — for something valuable. Something to hold onto, something to live for. A sob breaks out of Jungkook’s mouth. When he looks up, he sees Taehyung is crying too. 

Taehyung’s heart sinks and he bites his lips brutally. He doesn’t want to tell Jungkook how pathetic he is. He doesn’t want to make him cry. 

“Hyung,” he hears Jungkook’s voice, wet with tears. 

Taehyung gets up from his place, wiping his tears. “Jungkook —” He begins, because it is the only word he knows how to say in that moment, the only thing his mind can think of. 

“Yes? I’ll listen to you, please — tell me.” Jungkook is distraught as he moves closer to Taehyung. “Don’t feed me with lies, I know you are struggling — so, just tell me — please, hyung, please.” 

“Stop. Don’t, Jungkook-ah.” He takes a step backwards, crying, sobbing, making Jungkook freeze inplace. 

“Taehyungie-hyung,” Jungkook cries. The use of his nickname coupled with Jungkook's doe-eyes makes Taehyung weak.

“No, please just leave.” He hides his face in his hands, sobbing,his body trembles. 

Jungkook is at his side in a moment, gathering him in his arms. “How can I leave you like this? When I told you to stay by your side, I meant it hyung. So, I’m not leaving, not right now or ever.” Jungkook wraps his arms around the elder, kissing his hair. “You don’t have to pretend you’re fine and you don’t have to worry about making other people uncomfortable with your truth. 

Taehyung is bawling his eyes out.is heart feels like it's on fire. Burning. Flaming. He feels like he’s burning out. He’s not okay, his stress is at an all-time high and he’s tired of pretending. He wants to be alone, wants to feel okay again and right now he doesn’t have the energy to deal with anyone. 

He doesn’t want to meet anyone, not even his boyfriend and he feels so bad because he knows he’s being selfish. He feels bad because Jungkook doesn’t deserve this mess of a person who can’t even get a hold of his emotions. 

So in that moment, Taehyung decides something. 

“Jungkook-ah.” he pushes the younger away as his voice cracks. “Let’s break up.”

And Jungkook is left rooted to the spot, his eyes widened and his mouth falls open. It took Taehyung a huge amount of courage to say those words. When he sees tears falling from Jungkook’s eyes, he crumbles, loud sobs escaping his lips. He is hurting Jungkook to save Jungkook from a later heartbreak.

“What?” A humorless chuckle escapes Jungkook’s lips, as he looks at Taehyung as if not believing what the other just said. “What did you just say?” Jungkook whispers, swallowing the lump forming in his throat. 

“I think we have grown distant, we’re not working out. It’s better to part ways before one of us ends up hurting the other to the point of no return.” Taehyung chokes at his words regretting ever getting into this relationship. He doesn’t regret the time spent with the younger — doesn’t regret loving him. He regrets thinking this could go right. He knew this outcome was inevitable. He knew the point would come where their friendship would be ruined along with the relationship. And he hates being the reason for that.

“Don’t do this to us. I love you. You said you’ll always remember that.” Jungkook sounds broken as his tears fall down his face. 

“I do and I love you too, but I can’t go on like this. This is too much for me, please understand.” 

“Taehyung-ah, please — we can fix this.” Jungkook’s pitch rises, anger replacing the hurt. 

“We can’t. I need to fix myself first.” Taehyung looks at the younger who is crying miserably. His heart breaks for the both of them.. 

“Please explain why we need to break up for that. I don’t get anything, hyung. You can’t do this to me. You just can’t.” Taehyung feels like someone ripped his heart from his chest and stomped on it when he looks at the younger crying. Hedesperately wants to reach out to him and hold him. Jungkook seeks comfort in Taehyung whenever things get hard. Taehyung knows and he can’t help but deny him that. 

“Things have been hard for me, Gukkie, and I’m trying to cope up. I think this is the only way I can have my space.” Taehyung trains his eyes at the younger. He is shedding tears, his shoulders convulsing and those beautiful eyes that ever held love and stars are filled with tears. Taehyung hates that he's the reason. “I’m breaking up with you.” Taehyung feels suffocated. He’s not able to breathe. 

Jungkook’s shoulders are heaving as he stares at Taehyung, eyes red and swollen, cheeks stained with tears. He takes a step in Taehyung’s direction, eyes glistening with tears, “You know you’re selfish, hyung,” he says, and lets out a choked sob. He turns to run sprinting towards the studio door. He yanks the door open, slamming it against the wall, before running into the hallway, disappearing out of Taehyung’s view. 

So this is what it feels like, Taehyung thinks. 

This is what it feels like losing someone you love. He’s lost Jungkook. He’s ruined everything. 

Taehyung feels hollow, the numbness seeping into his bones. When he begins crying again, the tears sting, burning as they roll down his dry cheeks. He’s grateful for Yoongi’s sound proof studio when he begins sobbing in earnest, body convulsing until everything hurts. He is reminded of Jungkook’s tear filled eyes, hurt and broken. He hurt the love of his life, the most precious thing ever happened to him. 

Taehyung slips down to the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees, burrowing his face into his thighs. He stops trying to hold back his sobs then, letting his body shake and his stomach convulse. All he wants is for the pain to stop. 

Namjoon enters the studio to see Taehyung lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, cheeks stained with tear marks. He runs and sits beside him, gathering Taehyung in his arms, holding him and waiting for him to break. 

“Oh Taehyungie,” he says over and over, rubbing his back comfortingly as Taehyung lets out the smallest of sobs, a muffled whine that he buries in his heart, tears slipping out, one by one. 

Taehyung’s silent sobs slowly get louder the more he cries, and soon Namjoon’s shirt is soaked with tears and snot but Taehyung’s not done, yet Namjoon mutters into his hair, words of comfort and understanding, undeterred. 

“Why does it hurt so bad?” Taehyung whispers when his heavy breathing slows down. His eyes are swollen and his face is patchy and red, voice hoarse from all the crying he’s done. 

“I don’t know, Tae, it just does. I’m sorry.” Namjoon says with a smile, still rubbing his back. “When you feel yourself burning out, you’re allowed to admit it. You can be honest about your mental state, there’s no reason to be embarrassed about it. You can talk about what you’ve been going through. Everyone goes through periods of stress — but you don’t have to fight through the discomfort. You don’t have to keep going until you collapse. You’re allowed to heal yourself. You’re allowed to give yourself a well needed rest, Tae.” 

Taehyung starts crying again, but this time he just lets out soft whines. Tears slip down his face silently, Namjoon’s words are comforting, supportive. 

Namjoon knows Taehyung is going through things, struggling with his own self but he doesn’t ask anything. He lets Taehyung hug him for how long he wants. 

“I know it’s been hard for you. I knew since the time you started shutting yourself. It’s okay, Taehyungie. Whatever happened between you and Jungkook is not your fault. You’re allowed to prioritize yourself. You’re allowed to say no and turn down friends. We all understand and don’t worry about Jungkook, he’ll come around.”  Taehyung’s body trembles as he sniffles, hugging Namjoon so tightly.

“But I hurt him, hyung. I was being selfish.” 

“Shh.. you shouldn’t feel bad about putting yourself first.” Namjoon presses a kiss to his head, rubbing his back in consolation. “You chose yourself and it’s not selfish to make sure you’re standing on solid ground. It’s not selfish to make your mental health your priority. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you into doing more than you’re comfortable doing. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about taking care of your health.

“Hyung, I love you,” Taehyung says. 

Namjoon smiles and ruffles his hair. “ You deserve to treat yourself like a priority. You deserve to rest when you need to rest. So, let’s go back home and work on it, okay?” 

Taehyung nods, picking himself up, wiping his tears and hugs Namjoon. He takes out his phone at the multiple dings as Namjoon waits outside for him to wrap up his things. 

Seokjinnie hyung

come home soon, hyung’s cooked your fav dish
love you baby

soulmate for life <3

i want to hug u and kiss u and spoil u for the rest of your life, soulmate. 
no homo tho
and 
I LOVEEEE YOUUUU

hobieee hyungie 

taehyungieeeeeeee
guess what? i ordered something you’ve been asking for since new year
yesss ps5, excited???
love u 

yoongi hyungie

taehyung-ah
hyung loves you a lot

joonie hyung

remember all of us will always love and support you <33

Taehyung’s heart swells with love and fondness for these boys who have become his family. The messages bring tears to his eyes, but this time the emotion is different. He’s grateful for having them in his life, and so happy with the overwhelming support and love by all of them except one. He wouldn’t say he didn’t expect it, but it’s kind of disappointing and painful to see no message from Jungkook. He shouldn’t even hope for it since he hurt Jungkook but he can’t help it. 

A few days pass. He doesn’t see Jungkook even for a second. Taehyung has locked himself inside his room and everything is suffocating him. 

He crouches down on the floor, tears falling from his eyes with a sharp blade in his hand. He looks at it, feeling so dead and hollow. Taehyung puts it on his wrist and is about to put pressure to cut himself when his phone rings. 

❤️My love❤️

i’m sorry hyung, i should have thought about you. i was too blinded by my own hurt that i ignored how you’ve been struggling for the past months. 
i came back home and thought about why you’d do that, and i understand you. don’t be 
bothered about me, just focus on yourself, okay? 
it’s okay to feel down sometimes, it’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to feel like giving up, and it’s okay to have negative emotions, but what’s not okay is allowing others to make us feel like we’re falling short because we’re not positive or strong all the time. 
let’s meet and talk when you feel like it’s okay to do so. whenever you want. I love you, hyung. please remember that.

The blade falls from his hand making a clicking sound at the contact with the tiled floor. His heart clenches painfully and Taehyung can’t help but let his tears fall. He kisses Jungkook’s photo which is set as his wallpaper and places his phone over his heart, heaving a sigh of relief. 

“I love you too, Gukkie.”

🌳

Fear sometimes plays an integral role in our lives. It ends up ruining people, hindering dreams and suppressing courage. Being afraid is part of being alive and instead of letting it be the driving force of our decisions, it should be tackled and accepted. By being daring and courageous, because courage is the resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. And daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you’re feeling. To have the hard conversations. That is what courage is. It’s not just living through the nightmare, it’s doing something different afterward. It’s being brave enough to talk to other people. It’s being brave enough to start a conversation that matters. 

And Taehyung thinks he’s brave enough to do that. He wants to be courageous enough to save his relationships and face the consequences his actions had. He knows he’s vulnerable but it is Jungkook he’s going to talk to. Jeon Jungkook, his best friend Jungkook goes to great lengths for the ones he loves, he is passionate in everything he does and holds Taehyung’s world in his eyes.

He knows Jungkook will understand him. He always understands him even when Taehyung doesn’t communicate. Jungkook always knows when something is wrong with Taehyung; when he’s not okay.  Jimin told Taehyung how sometimes, the people you think don’t want to talk to you are the ones waiting for you to talk to them. So, he decides he should be ready for this now. He’s already wasted so much time.

He’s sitting on the wooden, cloth chair near the camp. Taehyung brought the drinks and also lit the fire. It’s pretty late at night and the hyungs have probably gone to sleep except for Jimin and Seokjin who are roaming around the garden playing baseball. Taehyung’s smile is fond as he looks at them. He is wearing a yellow shirt, one of Jungkook’s, paired with black shorts. He brushes his hair back and wears the white baseball cap backwards. He likes it that way.

Taehyung sits in his chair awkwardly after making the jamon. The fire casts a glow on his face as he looks at the filming crew scattered around with their cameras. He is disappointed because he wanted to talk to Jungkook privately but the director told him to talk after filming to avoid their relationship being speculated about. Taehyung knows he’s right but that doesn’t help him feel less sad because he wants to be alone with Jungkook. His heart is beating and sinking at the thought of baring his heart.

Taehyung had asked Jimin to call the younger one because he was too awkward to do that.   

Jimin finds Jungkook in the living room of the main house, wrapping his hands to get ready for the workout.

“Jungkook?” Jimin calls the younger’s name.  

Jungkook is sitting on the floor, busy wrapping his hands. “Yeah?”

“Jungkook, aren’t you staying at the floating house?” He asks the younger who just nods. 

“I heard water is leaking there. You should go check it before your stuff gets ruined.” Jimin thinks it’s the best excuse he’s ever come up. Jungkook looks so fucking confused when he asks:

“Because of the rain?”

“Yep, I think so. You should go check.” 

“Uggh — what do I do now?” Jungkookis genuinely frustrated. The whole day has been an emotional rollercoaster for him because of Taehyung. The way the Taehyunghad run away yesterday broke his heart. He couldn’t even sleep the whole night, tossing around the bed, entangled in the sheets. Now,the leakage is making him lose his mind. He just wants to rest for a while. 

“Stop wrapping your hands and go there before your luggage gets wet. Simple.” Jimin tells the younger and leaves. 

Jungkook grunts in frustration  and walks out with Jimin as he clenches his fists. 

“It’s leaking. What am I supposed to do?”

Taehyung looks at them from his peripheral view, sitting straight on the chair, his body stiff.

“You should bring your belongings out,” Jimin replies as he walks with him, dragging him towards Taehyung. “It didn’t even rain that much.” Jungkook says.

Jungkook is baffled when Jimin brings him to the chair opposite Taehyung. 

Taehyung gets up and to avoid the awkwardness, he greets Jungkook. “Hi, Jungkook-ssi. Nice to meet you.” It’s still awkward though. Jimin starts laughing and Jungkook realizes this was an excuse for them to talk. Jungkook looks around, at them being filmed and his eyes narrow in confusion because why the fuck are there cameras? He sees Taehyung and Jimin shake hands and joke about the jamon. He sees Taehyung smiling — truly smiling — and he feels so happy because that’s who Taehyung is. He knows the real smile.

“Of course, why would there be a leak?” Jungkook asks rhetorically. He laughs and tries to be calm, which is kind of impossible. It’s Taehyung he’s going to talk to, after so long and Taehyung makes his heart flutter in several ways. He wants to cry too because he is scared. He has no idea what Taehyung is going to say to him and it scares the shit out of him. The last time he tried to talk to the elder member, it ended up with Taehyung breaking up their relationship. Those days were dark and painful. He remembers how his heart was broken, and how much it hurt. He doesn’t blame Taehyung though. Taehyung was trying his best at that time, struggling with depression and Jungkook tried his best to be supportive and understanding of his best friend. 

As Jimin leaves, Taehyung looks at him and smiles. 

He extends his hand and Jungkook holds it, “Nice to meet you,” Jungkook says. 

Taehyung cringes at the awkwardness and tries to overcome his nervousness by cracking a joke, looking at Jungkook’s wrapped hands. “What? Are you going to punch me?”

“No, no. I was going to work out.” Jungkook says with a bright smile as Taehyung sits down on the chair asking him to unwrap it. “Wow. This is nice. Look at that jamon.” 

“I tried making some.” Taehyung looks at the younger sitting across from him whose eyes are trained on the food.

Taehyung is a good actor. He likes acting. He was praised by critics and many people around him for his brilliant acting skills. But at this moment, he hates acting, hates doing it. He knows both he and Jungkook are faking the exchange of polite greetings. There are several cameras around them, forcing them to act like everything is normal between them. As though this meeting i just two bros having a heart to heart talk while eating and drinking. 

Jimin is still hovering around the awkward duo, trying to lighten the atmosphere and Taehyung knows he’s there to support them and stay by their side so they don’t feel the pressure of filming. Jimin has always been a good friend to both of them, keeping up with their problems, helping them whenever they needed it, being a goofball, and hyung to them even when he was only a month and a few years older than Taehyung and Jungkook. Jimin is without a doubt smarter than the both of them.

Jimin laughs at Taehyung addressing Jungkook formally and stands beside them. “I didn’t have any excuse to call him so I said the water was leaking and he needed to go check on it.”

“Jungkook-ssi,” Taehyung teases again after Jimin finishes his sentence and they burst into laughter. 

Jungkook just smiles, “I was shocked.” Jimin pats his head and smiles, giving comfort to the younger.

“Jimin-ssi, you can go now.” Taehyung says. He’s talking formally because it is funny for them and because he wants to banish the tension in the air. Jimin hits him with the ball and Taehyung throws it away, “Now, go. Thank you for today.”

As soon as he goes, Seokjin comes towards them. He looks surprised and a little taken aback to see the two maknaes together. Seokjin seems to disregard it though and says jokingly, “Is it date night?” Jungkook smiles softly, sadly and Taehyung swears he sees a flash of hurt pass acrosshis face. He turns his head towards the eldest and Seokjin seems to realize the weight of his words.

“Ahh, Jungkook-ssi.” The amount of times he has said that word makes him cringe. He prays for Seokjin to go away because he doesn’t want more awkwardness between him and Jungkook. 

“Is it Jungkook-ssi and Taehyung-ssi now?” 

“Yeah.” He gives a brief reply and Seokjin goes towards Jimin to play baseball. 

As soon as he leaves, Taehyung takes out the chopsticks, giving one pair to Jungkook. “I actually cut the jamon by hand, so it’ll be easier for you to eat.” Taehyung is trying to warm up to him because it’s been so long since they last talked properly. Jungkook hums at that and starts eating. They both eat in silence for a while.

“What’s the occasion?” Jungkook asks as he starts unwrapping his hands. 

Taehyung looks at him and stops eating. Taehyung gulps nervously at the question. He doesn’t know how to approach the topic and be as vague as possible. His fingers twitch and he fiddles with them, feeling the adrenaline rush through his body. 

“It’s nothing special,” He finally speaks after a while, fumbling with his shirt. “You called me before.” He stops as his nervousness ten folds because of the cameras around them. His heartbeat quickens. Jungkook did call him one day, a few months before when he was literally drunk out of his mind. They had cried on the call for an hour as they talked about their feelings. 

When he finally looks back up at Jungkook, he sees him blink his eyes in an affirmative manner and offer him comfort silently. Jungkook knows how to calm his nerves. So, Taehyung builds the courage to start talking again. 

“You called to grab a drink with me.” Jungkook nods. Taehyung's eyes are glued to his face. "We haven't had a drink in a while, that's why I called you."

"When we were trainees, we always got scolded together," Jungkook speaks. Taehyung feels relieved since Jungkook is bringing up a topic they could talk about freely. 

"We were inseparable. And you were so shy back then, I had to literally force you to talk but you became my closest friend."We were sort of crime partners. When we were trainees, and even after that, we had such a special bond."

They both laugh softly at the fond memories, looking deeply into each other's eyes.

"Yes, you're right. In fact, a huge part of me changed because of you when I was a trainee, hyung." Jungkook's voice trails off, making Taehyung's heart flutter uncomfortably. 

"We were really just…."

"We had many similarities, a lot of things in common and I could talk to you about anything." 

Taehyung is amazed at how Jungkook always knows what he is thinking. The younger talking about their trainee days makes him long for what he always had: Jungkook. 

His eyes shine with tears. Blinking them away, he gives a soft smile to an already smiling Jungkook, "When we were heading to the practice studio, I told you to just speak casually with me."Jungkook nods and smiles at the memory. "Do you remember how I said I'd rather be friends with you?" 

Jungkook hums, scratching the back of his neck. "I told you I speak formally to everyone older than me. That prevents relationships from being ruined." 

"I think rather than fighting, we'd have hung out more. It wouldn't have made a difference to me." Taehyung chuckles. He knows how important it was for Jungkook. The boy didn't want to be disrespectful to anyone and jeopardize his career. He was just a child back then who was taken under the wings of his six hyungs and they made sure to bring him up well. 

"It was a choice I made back then." Jungkook is interrupted by the ball thrown at him which Jimin and Seokjin are playing with. 

Taehyung knows it isn’t a coincidence because he sees Seokjin gesturing the director to stop filming. He does after a while and Taehyung feels all his energy drain out. 

The filming crew along with all their equipments leaves the place. Taehyung sees Jungkook get up from the chair to leave, but before he can Taehyung springs up and grabs his wrist.. The younger looks at Taehyung, shocked. 

"Where are you going?" Taehyung asks, still holding onto his hand. Jungkook genuinely looks surprised. Taehyung has no idea where his sudden courage just came from. 

"I was going to workout since filming is done," says Jungkook. 

"I didn't call you here for the shooting," Taehyung says, eyes downcast. 

Jungkook looks at him with questioning eyes, waiting for him to complete his sentence.

"I'm ready to talk, Jungkook-ah." 

🌳

When they're seated again, Seokjin pats them on the back. Jimin presses a kiss to both of their foreheads and leaves. Seokjin stays behind and looks at both of them keenly.

"Taehyung-ah, Jungkook-ah — Sort it out, okay? Hyung's here for the both of you." He smiles softly and leaves them both alone. 

Taehyung's heartbeat quickens as he's left alone with Jungkook. Bile rises in his throat, his stomach hollowing and nervousness filling his insides. 

"Hyung, you don't have to feel pressured. Take your time, I'm always here."

Jungkook always knows the right words to say to Taehyung, at every single moment, to make him feel better. Right now, those words make him feel guilty. Guilty, because Jungkook has been so understanding and he doesn't deserve the kind of treatment Taehyung has been giving him. 

"I'm sorry." His eyes fill with tears, and he has no idea what else to say other than to apologize. 

"Hyung, no. It's not your fault." Jungkook panics. "I want to listen to you. You said you were ready, so tell me — talk to me, Taehyungie hyung."

It's the nickname that does it for him, that makes Taehyung weak. 

There's silence for a few minutes, both of them looking at each other with so much love and pain in their eyes. 

"It started when our tour was canceled. I — we couldn't see ARMYs, couldn't perform in front of them and I guess it took a huge toll on me." 

"I know. It affected all of us badly and we still have no idea when we'll be able to perform in front of our fans." 

Taehyung hums, nodding his head. "But that's not all, hyung?" Of course, Jungkook knows. Taehyung can't even run away now, and honestly, he doesn't want to. He wants to tell him everything, share his struggle with him. 

"You're right. That's not the only thing." Jungkook nods in understanding, smiling at him. 

"I came across something on the internet. It was an account who pointed out how I made you uncomfortable by being clingy and all and how you and Jimin were definitely dating so I should stay away. I didn’t let it get to my head though because I knew those were some baseless theories. It was the start of all this, all of my insecurities, the depression and the panic attacks. A few days later, I came across another tweet which said that I was ugly and talentless and I should leave. And it made me feel worthless. I felt invalidated and all those words made me feel like you guys were perfect together and maybe I was an unwanted addition. After that I wasn't able to do anything properly. I started making so many mistakes during practice. I zoned out in the middle of meetings and recordings. I fainted during the practice, remember? I couldn't write songs and I didn't feel like myself. And I started questioning if I deserved being a part of this band. I went into depression and all I wanted was to shut myself off and never talk to anyone again. It was the darkest phase of my life, Jungkook and I hurt the people I love the most." 

Jungkook takes a sharp intake of breath as Taehyung's breath shudders. He's beside the elder in a second, holding his hand. 

"Hyung." Jungkook's voice trembles. Taehyung looks at him and smiles with tears in his eyes. 

"I'm sorry, Kook-ah." 

"Stop, no. That's not your fault, I'm sorry hyung, so, so sorry. I should have known."

"It's not your fault either. I never told you." He says as Jungkook intertwines their hands. "I was having such a hard time, Jungkook. There were times where I just wanted to leave everything and go far away. My depression brought the worst out of me and made me feel so worthless. I was not enough and people said that my personality was weird too. So I tried to change that. I became serious and stopped having fun. The fun parts of work also started to feel like a chore and I started feeling so down. I couldn’t figure anything out and I was just really tired and wanted to shut down." His throat clogs up, tears rolling down his eyes. 

Jungkook squeezes his hand and kisses it. "Hyung, you're amazing. Whoever said that you're weird is a liar. They don't know you, I do. And I know you're the most caring, loving and adventurous person I have ever met. You make everyone laugh, you make them feel happy and you're always so welcoming. You have a big heart and so much warmth inside, and you have a lot of love to give but this world isn't kind enough and doesn't deserve your love, Taehyungie hyung. People around you love you for who you are." Taehyung's body trembles as he cries, shoulders convulsing. 

Jungkook continues, “Other people’s perceptions of you are not always very objective, especially if they’re strangers. It’s easy to get caught up in the ways people see us but you know your life better than them. You’ve been with yourself for the longest time and you know how your experiences have felt, where your heart feels the most alive and how much pain you’ve endured. I know it sucks to have your experiences and traits misunderstood, but the way people see us ultimately has more to do with themselves than us. It’s okay if you want to feel validated and loved, okay? Hyung, just please remember to validate yourself too.”

"I feel privileged to know you and be loved by you, hyung."

Uncontrollable sobs wreck his body as Taehyung breaks down into tears. Jungkook holds him against his chest, letting him cry his heart out. 

"You still want to continue talking?" Jungkook asks after a while and Taehyung adjusts himself on the chair, sitting straight. His hand is still held by Jungkook. 

"I talked with Namjoon-hyung and he told me to seek help. I was having panic attacks, there were times where I felt I couldn’t breathe and there were also times when I felt so hollow so I started seeing a therapist."

"Wow, that's great, hyung. I'm so glad you decided to help yourself. You're my brave, hyung." Taehyung looks at Jungkook, who is smiling with his bunny teeth peeking out. 

"Thanks Kook-ah," Taehyung smiles softly. "She's great — I mean, my therapist. I haven't healed completely but we're working on it. My panic attacks have reduced." 

"That's so amazing. I'm so happy for you." Jungkook says excitedly. "No, wait — now that I think about it, you had a panic attack yesterday, right? When you were singing, I smiled at you. You suddenly ran away, crying and Jimin ran after you." Taehyung looks down, fumbling with his fingers. "Woah, I'm such an idiot."

"It's okay, Gukkie." Taehyung gives him a smile, reassuring him. "I talked to her last night too. And she gave me the courage and pushed me to talk to you."

"Thank you for telling me."

"I want to say sorry for ruining our relationship too.” Taehyung speaks, his eyes shining with tears as he looks at Jungkook beside him. Jungkook seems to stiffen at the words avoiding to look at Taehyung.

“Sorry, Gukkie for hurting you. I’m sorry for pushing you away, for breaking up with you all of a sudden. Sorry for not telling you all of this sooner. And sorry for that night in the studio.” Taehyun feels a set of fresh and warm tears, rolling down his cheeks as he completes his sentence. He can see tears falling from Jungkook’s eyes, his head hanging low. 

“I’m not going to lie but you hurt me a lot hyung.” Jungkook’s voice trembles from the intensity of his emotions. “I had literally no idea what to do. You meant so much to me. You were always there and suddenly you were not and I was going crazy. All these years, there was not a single day when I didn’t talk to you and when you stopped talking to me, it hurt so fucking much.”

Taehyung listens to him, his heart breaking for Jungkook who had been in so much pain. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I know it was cowardly of me to break up with you. I was going through a lot of stress and depression and I couldn’t handle it which made me hurt the hyungs and especially you. I made poor decisions and I brought pain to a lot of people. I should have realized how my choices would affect all of us. I didn’t manage to handle the pressure, the depression and it made us suffer. It made our relationship suffer. But I think I needed that space, to heal and be myself again, to find my happiness. And it finally made me realize how much you mean to me.”

Jungkook looks at him with a small smile, his eyes showing sadness. He caresses Taehyung’s back, reassuring him, “It’s okay, hyung. You did well. You needed to get a hold of yourself. Don’t ever apologize for your emotions or for putting yourself first. Maybe you made poor choices or maybe I can’t understand why you did that but as you said if that break and space made you realize how much we all mean to you, then it’s worth it, isn’t it?” 

Taehyung’s lips curl up, a quiet sob leaving his mouth. There’s a comfortable silence for a few minutes, both of them basking in each other’s presence and warmth when Taehyung starts talking again.

“I might have not recovered properly, I still have depression, I still get panic attacks but I’m trying to work on it. I used to think I’d be a burden on you and never told you anything, that I couldn’t heal when in a relationship because it wouldn’t be fair to you which is why I decided to break up but my therapist told me otherwise. She told me how none of us are ever going to be trauma or pain free. She said that healing and growing is for life and that believing you have to be whole to give and receive love will only hurt you in the end which is exactly what happened to us.”

Jungkook hums as Taehyung looks at him expectantly, trying to gauge his reaction. He has been trying to give him hints but Jungkook didn’t seem to catch on. Taehyung wants to say it directly, tell him how much he loves him but he’s scared because of the huge gap between them that occurred after their break up. He doesn’t even know if Jungkook still sees him the same way but there’s some hope and he decides to take the chance.

“Jungkook-ah.” Taehyung says in a hushed whisper and Jungkook’s eyes settle on his face, “What I’m trying to say is that I want to be with you.”

“What?” Jungkook’s reply is so sudden, his voice a tad bit higher as his eyes widen. 

Taehyung’s heart beats so fast in his chest, he can hear it. He feels a hole in his stomach and starts fidgeting with his fingers. Jungkook’s what sounds so shocking, Taehyung reprimands himself for hoping for something and being such a fool.

“Ahh — sorry… I’m so sorry, I should have known. You must have moved on, of course. How could I even expect something after hurting you so much. It’s okay, I  — I’ll move on, too. Forget what I said….”

“Hyung, hold on…Listen to me —” 

“No, it’s alright, Gukkie. Forget it, I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m so dumb, why would I say that? They’re right about me being worthless and selfish, I always spoil things. Let’s just pretend, umm, like this never happened okay? I want to be with you, doesn’t mean you have to want to be with me too. It’s okay, Guk—”

“How can I forget something I was dying to hear?” Jungkook says as he smiles so brightly. 

“Huh?” Taehyung is puzzled, eyes going wide and filled with confusion. 

Jungkook gets up from his chair and stands in front of Taehyung. He holds his face earnestly, making him look up and leans down placing his lips over Taehyung’s for a brief moment. Jungkook curls his arm around Taehyung’s waist, making him stand up. Pulling him closer, Jungkook tightens his hold and presses a small kiss on his forehead as tears fall from Taehyung’s eyes. 

“Since when did self-worth come from the validation of others?” Taehyung flinches at the words, eyes dropping down. “I get it, you’re scared and insecure,” Jungkook says softly, tilting Taehyung’s chin up so they meet eye to eye. “And I’m scared too but I never stopped loving you, hyung. Ever since I’ve known you, I’ve loved you. Even when I saw you at your worst, when you saw me at my worst, when you shut yourself and broke up with me, when I gave you space and tried to understand you. I love you, always have been.” Taehyung clutches the fabric of Jungkook’s shirt, sobs wrecking his body. 

“You will always be that special someone for whom I can go to any lengths, for whom I can endure any hurt. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, hyung. I’ll be happy as long as you’re with me. And you did nothing wrong, stop beating yourself up over it,” the emotions in Jungkook’s shaking voice hit Taehyung with such force, he couldn't stop crying. “I want to be with you too, as long as you’ll have me, hyung.”   

“But why,” Taehyung bursts, shaking Jungkook’s shoulders in desperation, confused. “I’ve hurt you so many times, why would you stay? Why would you still love me? You don’t deserve it, Jungkook, you don’t deserve a messed up person like me. You deserve much more, more than I can ever give you, please,” tears stream down his face as his body convulse. His knees give out and he’s about to fall when Jungkook holds him, steadying him in his arms and tightening his hold. 

“Because I know you love me too, hyung, and that’s enough for me,” is all Jungkook says, crying, before pulling Taehyung into a kiss, wiping all the longing and sadness as their lips meet, softly mouthing into each other, something gentle, a hush of breath. Taehyung’s eyes give a little flutter before moving away, pupils wide and blown out in adoration, fear. There’s a silence between the two, where they stare at each other and don’t say anything at all, relishing in the taste of each other when Taehyung leans forward to kiss him again, thumb brushing Jungkook’s cheek and moving towards his lips, bringing them closer, closer. 

The touch of their lips is gentle, tender before Jungkook bites Taehyung’s lower lip eliciting a quiet moan. Taehyung suckles his lips, savoring the feeling of what it feels like to kiss Jungkook as their tears mix with each other’s. He missed this. He missed the tender touches of Jungkook all over his body while kissing him. He missed Jungkook’s urgency in kissing him, the passion and the roughness. He missed the sounds Jungkook made when Taehyung inserted his tongue in his mouth. He missed Jungkook’s arms around his waist, rubbing all over his back. He missed having Jungkook so close to him, there’s physically no space separating them. 

Breaking the kiss, Taehyung wraps his arms around Jungkook’s waist, immediately burrowing his head against his neck, while Jungkook grabs at his shirt, hands shaking as he clutches the fabric. Taehyung doesn’t think it is physically possible for them to be closer, but he tries, pulling at Jungkook, fingers kneading into his back.

“Jungkook,” Taehyung sobs, shoulder shaking even in Jungkook’s embrace. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“I know, hyung. It’s okay,” Jungkook says, voice soothing.

“And I love you.”

🌳

The next morning is beautiful and aesthetic as Jungkook wakes up from his peaceful slumber. His hand feels heavy and when he looks beside him, the last night dawns upon him. His lips curve into a huge smile looking at Taehyung sleeping on his arm and hugging him tightly.

Taehyung looks beautiful. His pretty lips are decorated with an adorable pout, the apples of his cheeks dusted pink. His long lashes kiss the top of his rosy cheeks, hair ruffled and he looks so soft. Jungkook’s grin widens and just the mere sight of Taehyung sleeping, fills him with so much warmth and love. He feels so happy to have Taehyung back, sleeping in his arms. Jungkook basks in the feeling of waking up to a sleeping Taehyung who looks so gorgeous, Jungkook has a sudden urge to kiss him.

He keeps staring at Taehyung with the biggest smile of adoration. Taehyung looks simply breathtaking and Jungkook is breathless. His heart beats erratically from the love and delight and happiness. 

Taehyung looks pretty and Jungkook feels so serene just watching him sleep as small puffs of breath leave his lips. For Jungkook, Taehyung always looked beautiful, ethereal even. Every time he looked at the elder, he swore he had never seen someone as breathtaking as him. 

Jungkook doesn’t want to wake Taehyung up. He just wants to keep staring at him and he does because he can’t take his eyes off of Taehyung, so he keeps admiring him with an unwavering smile plastered on his face. 

A few minutes later, Taehyung squirms in his sleep, stretching his body as he opens his eyes to a sleepy Jungkook staring at him. His stomach does somersaults as he stares in the loving eyes of Jungkook which holds so many strong emotions. The love and admiration in Jungkook’s eyes makes Taehyung blush as he looks away. 

“Good morning, love,” Jungkook’s groggy voice is deep, making color rise on Taehyung’s cheeks. 

“Morning Gukkie.” He avoids looking at him but Jungkook tilts his head and makes him look up at him. 

“How long have you been awake?” Taehyung tries to get up and untangle himself from Jungkook’s hold but the younger pulls him closer by his waist, pushing his legs in between Taehyung’s. His heart starts beating erratically at the close proximity as he smiles with a soft blush dusting his cheeks. 

“Been 20 minutes, I guess.” Jungkook replies, pressing soft kisses on Taehyung’s cheeks.

“Why did you not wake me up?” 

“You looked so beautiful while sleeping, so peaceful — like it was the first peaceful night after so long. I didn’t want to disturb you.” He presses a soft kiss to his lips, a short one. 

Taehyung thinks he’s right. He hasn't slept peacefully for so long. There were times when he went on without sleeping for days. Last night was calm, pleasant and he felt so relaxed in Jungkook’s hold. But the thought of Jungkook watching him sleep makes him wiggle and he hides himself in the crook of Jungkook’s neck.

Everything feels so new and fresh. He feels so shy. Jungkook always had it in him to make him blush all the time but now it feels different. He feels different. Taehyung knows the depth of Jungkook’s emotions, the love he has for him and it scares him a lot but it assures him at the same time. That there’s someone out there who cares for him, who loves him more than he could love himself — unconditionally. Someone who wouldn’t run away no matter how hard things get, someone who’s always ready to give all of himself to Taehyung. And he feels so lucky to be loved by Jeon Jungkook. 

Jungkook closes his eyes as he basks in Taehyung’s warmth. He takes a deep breath against Taehyung’s shoulder, breathing in his scent. He smells so warm, so beautiful and so soft. Jungkook’s every sense seems to awaken and he realizes how much he missed Taehyung. Missed his hugs, his smiles, his kisses, his touch, his voice…. his everything. 

Jungkook wants more and more of Taehyung so he takes another inhale. He wants to be surrounded by Taehyung, with his scent. All of him. He thought his longing for Taehyung would disappear when he saw the eder. But his need and longing seems to only grow. Now that Taehyung is so close to him, he never wants to let go.

“I missed you so much.” Taehyung looks up at him, staring into his eyes filled with tears. Taehyung’s eyes pool with tears too as he pulls the younger closer, hugging him tightly. 

“I missed you too, baby.” Taehyung peppers his face with kisses. His eyes, his cheeks, his forehead. 

“Hyung? Promise me one thing,” Jungkook says as he presses his lips over Taehyung’s eyes. “Promise me not to hide yourself when you’re in pain. It’s unfair that we laughed together but you cried alone.” 

Taehyung smiles softly, caressing Jungkook’s cheeks, “I promise. I won’t hide anything from you ever again.” Jungkook smiles and Taehyung starts rubbing his lips from his thumb, pulling him in for a kiss. Jungkook stops him. 

“Wait, we haven’t brushed yet.”

“Does it matter?” Taehyung asks, desperate to kiss Jungkook.

“Of course, it does. I won’t kiss you before both of us brush.” Jungkook smirks, teasing Taehyung.

“I don’t fucking care. I just want to kiss you.” Taehyung says before placing his lips on Jungkook’s, catching his breath. Taehyung feels Jungkook smiling in the kiss so he bites his lips making him yelp. He smirks, pushing his tongue in Jungkook’s mouth, exploring and tasting the sweet, wet cavern. Taehyung sucks his tongue as he feels Jungkook burying his fingers in his waist which are surely going to leave marks. Jungkook’s moans get loud when Taehyung tugs at his bottom lip and frees it. 

Jungkook’s eyes are fluttering as he looks at Taehyung heaving. His lips are glistening with spit, shiny and rosy and Jungkook has no control over himself. Taehyung looks so fucking gorgeous. 

Jungkook rolls over him, hovering above him and smirks. Taehyung licks his lips with his tongue, provoking Jungkook and the younger one goes crazy. He places his hands beside Taehyung’s head and lowers his face in the crook of his neck. Jungkook presses wet kisses on the side of his neck, nipping lightly. Taehyung squirms under him, butterflies erupting in his stomach as he feels hot. Taehyung’s hands travel to Jungkook’s hair, tugging at them as the younger kisses his collarbones, licking them. 

Jungkook stops to look at Taehyung, his eyes dazed and fluttering and purplish blotches littering his neck. He smirks and captures Taehyung’s lips in a bruising kiss, leaving him breathless. Taehyung starts grinding his hips, moaning into Jungkook’s mouth, pleasure surging through their bodies. Jungkook bites and tugs at his lips, licks them and sucks his tongue making Taehyung feel so good. They keep kissing, touching each other’s bodies, lost and in a haze when a shrill, piercing voice brings them to reality. 

“What the actual fuck?” Taehyung sees Jimin standing at the door after Jungkook rolls over and sits beside him. He looks at the younger one whose hair is sticking out in every direction as a result of Taehyung pulling on them and his lips are swollen because of kissing. He knows his condition is not any different as he tries hiding his neck, embarrassed. 

Jimin plops on the bed, grinning so wide. “You guys are together again?” The youngest two nod in a timid manner, blushing profusely. Jimin screams and squeals at the reply and starts jumping on the bed. 

“Gosh, I’m so fucking happy for you. You have no idea.. The members deserve to know too, let me call all of them.” Taehyung and Jungkook look at each other and smile.

In no time, the rest of them are in Jungkook’s room which is quite small for all seven of them but they adjust. They’re all equally excited and happy and are rambling non stop. Jimin woke them all up by spamming the group chat telling them that the maknaes are together again and everything is normal now. 

Seokjin pulls them both in a hug, kissing their foreheads as he keeps on saying, “my babies.” Yoongi just ruffles their hair, giving them an encouraging smile and patting their heads. Jimin hugs them both one by one as they wipe his tears. Hoseok pounces on them, crushing them under him and hugs them so tightly as Namjoon joins him following the rest of them as they share a group hug.  

They settle in the room after congratulating the couple. Taehyung feels so fucking happy and complete to have all of them. He sits beside Jungkook and the younger pulls him closer on his lap by his waist. Taehyung wraps his arms around Jungkook’s neck, burrowing his face there as Jungkook presses a kiss on his temples. There’s an awkward silence as Taehyung and Jungkook look at the others staring at them. 

“Don’t tell me we’ll have to go through this everyday in the dorms,” Seokjin says, making a disgusted face. 

“Knowing these two, we are probably going to go through this disgusting public display of affection, hyung.” Namjoon replies and all of them make gagging noises. Taehyung laughs at their antics and looks at Jungkook who is already looking at him. Their smiles widen, looking at each other and Taehyung feels giddy.

“Stop, you two. We are all single here.” Yoongi says grumpily, doing weird hand movements.

Jimin rolls his eyes and punches his arm. “You wouldn’t be if you said yes and didn’t run away when I asked you out…” 

Silence. Pin-drop silence. Yoongi is still, everyone else frozen on their spot.

“Holy freaking shit,” Jungkook is the first to break the silence and then chaos ensues. 

“Freaking hell, is that true?” Namjoon is taken aback and his mouth hangs open. “No way. I can’t fucking believe this. How did you hide it from me, Yoongs?” Seokjin says, not believing his ears. 

“I fucking told y’all. I knew there was something going on between them for so long. How foolish were we to not see it?” Hoseok screams. 

Taehyung is the only one who is sitting quietly, smiling. “I knew about it. Jimin told me but I don’t understand why Yoongi hyung didn’t give him an answer.”

“Maybe he was scared, seeing you two. I’m sorry but it affected all of us.” Namjoon speaks next. 

“Y’all, we are still here.” Jimin says as he sees the boys talking about them like they’re not present. 

“Since you’re both here, can you fucking tell me why did I not know about this? And Yoongi, why did you run away?” Seokjin ask intimidatingly. 

“I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone and I ran away because, yes, I was scared. I’m sorry, Jiminie, you didn’t deserve that.” Yoongi says, eyes dropped low. 

“It’s okay, hyung. I understand.”

“You can both talk it out later today, okay?” Namjoon says as the two nod their heads.

“You know what, even before Jimin told me, I knew there was something going on between you two. All the time you guys bickered and fought and teased each other, I could see the sexual tension, did y’all not notice it?” Taehyung says smirking as Jimin blushes.

“Yahh, Taehyung-ah! Do you have any brain to mouth filter?” Yoongi yells at him and Jimin throws a pillow at him.

“Okay, let’s leave now. We have to film too,” Namjoon says, walking out of the room. “Tae, Gukk, be careful and come out soon.” He smiles and leaves the room followed by the rest of them.

Taehyung gets up from Jungkook’s lap but the younger pulls him closer, making Taehyung stand in between his legs, wrapping his arms around his waist and hugging him. “I don’t want to stay away from you. Let’s spend the whole day here. I want to cuddle.” 

“Gukkie, we have work. We can’t.” Taehyung says, ruffling his hair, and giving a small peck on his lips, smiling.

“But I want to cuddle with you all day, kiss you and touch you.” Jungkook whines, pouting. Taehyung kisses his pout, grinning because Jungkook looks so cute.

“I promise you’ll get lots of kisses and cuddles once we’re over with this.” Taehyung says, making him stand up. Jungkook hides his face in his neck, inhaling his scent. “Now, go freshen up, baby.” 

“Stay like this for a while, please ,” Jungkook says, hugging him. Taehyung smiles and hugs him back, wrapping his arms around Jungkook’s waist, gently.

“Hyung, I love you.” Taehyung’s insides are filled with warmth and love at Jungkook’s words, happiness bursting in him. He feels his heart tremble and palpitate, as his lips curve up into a huge rectangle smile. He feels complete, content.

“I love you too, Jungkookie.”