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“It’s kind of like a Space Growlr,” Yaz says. “Like... a dating app. But for --”
“Aliens. Yeah, I get that,” Dan frowns. He looks at the app on his mobile phone. “How does it work with like, time travel and stuff?”
“Oh, there’s a setting for time travelers,” Yaz explains, taking his mobile to mess with the settings. “You can sync up with people in your era, or set it to Time Warp mode and it’ll suggest a romantic decade to meet up in.” She waggles her eyebrows suggestively.
Dan eyes Yaz skeptically. “You seem to know an awful lot about this Space Growlr,” he says. Yaz blushes. “Does the Doctor know about this?”
“I hope not,” Yaz winces. “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her arch enemy posting thirst traps on there. She’d have a conniption.”
Dan cannot wrap his head around the idea of having an arch enemy, much less one that posts thirst traps. And he’d thought dating was weird in Liverpool.
“Yaz? Have you seen my water wings? Only I was thinking we could go for a nice holiday -- oh, hello Dan!” The Doctor steps into the room and grins at the both of them. “What are we all standing around in Yaz’s bedroom for?”
Dan looks self-consciously down at his mobile and fumbles to close the app.
“Oh, uh, Yaz was showing me this TikTok --”
“Are we going swimming?” Yaz says loudly, speaking over Dan. “I don’t have my swimsuit with me on the TARDIS.”
“We’ll find you one in the wardrobe,” the Doctor says, motioning Yaz to follow her. Yaz shoots Dan a panicked look before she follows the Doctor out the door.
*
Name: Dan Lewis
Okay. It’s time to put his money where his mouth is. (So to speak, it’s not like it’s costing him anything but his dignity.) Dan has met Daleks and Angels and whatever the hell those blue crystal guys were. He can fill out a dating profile.
Time Zone: flexible
Location: flexible
He wonders what he’ll do if someone actually wants to meet up with him for a date (or even a hookup). What’s he going to do? Ask the Doctor to drop him off for a booty call? He can already hear her lecturing him about treating her like a taxi service.
Species: Human
Funny, how it hadn’t occurred to Dan until now that there would be so many options on the list. Movellians, Venusians, Zygons, Trions, and more. He finds himself wondering, how many of these species are -- what’s the word? Humanoid. How will he actually know who’s, erm, sexually compatible? What if he accidentally chats up a squid? Does he want to chat up a squid?
Dan would have said a few months ago that he’d seen everything there was to see during his twenties in a gay club, but now he’s not so sure. He’s open-minded, sure, but how open minded? Forget gender, he’d never thought that aliens might end up in his dating pool. He feels like forty is a little too old for him to re-evaluate his sexuality (again).
But maybe it’s not. Dan spends a few minutes scrolling through the list of different alien species in awe of all the different names -- that is, until he comes across ‘Sontaran’ and really, really wishes he hadn’t. He’s not sure his good will stretches that far.
Occupation: Plasterer
Age: 43 Earth Years
Height: 5’11
Gender Identity: Man
Pronouns: He/Him/His
Dan pauses before the next bit. It asks how he’d categorize himself, as well as what type of person or relationship he’s looking for. Maybe once, he’d have written ‘silver otter’ or ‘bear cub,’ but did they even have gay bears in space? Maybe their gay bears were actual bears. He should have asked Yaz for help with this.
Ugh. He hates writing these.
I Am A: ?
Looking for: adventure
About: Liverpool FC fan. Bit of a history buff, horrible cook, love traveling.
The worst part over, Dan uploads a selfie where he doesn’t look halfway bad: pouting in the mirror, a little bit of scruff grown out on his chin. Mature. Rough. Sexy. He hits the ‘next’ button.
The app wants him to fill out a questionnaire to pair him with his True Match, just like one of those bullshit Buzzfeed quizzes. He rushes through it.
What quality do you most value in a partner? What is your biggest fear? Pick one of these four moonrises! What are your romantic dealbreakers? Select the spaceport carpet pattern that you vibe with the most!
Dan fills it out with a sigh and hits Submit!, trying to get it over with. The app takes a few seconds to load, showing him an ad for some store called Kerblam! before it takes him to his results.
Loading...
...
...
...
Your True Match is...
Karvanista!
Dan almost throws the mobile across the room when he sees the familiar furry face on the screen.
*
Karvanista: no
Dan: I didn’t even say anything!
Karvanista: you don’t have to. i’m heading you off now.
Dan: The app matched us with that quiz thing, I didn’t do it on purpose! You’re the one who messaged me!
Karvanista: how did you even find this app? you’re a HUMAN!
Karvanista: you aren’t even a proper time traveler!
Dan: I am now! 😤
Dan: There’s a species option for humans, there are humans ON THIS APP!
Karvanista: then why are you talking to me when you could bother one of them?
Dan: YOU messaged ME!
*
“Alright,” the Doctor says in an authoritative whisper. “You and Yaz go right, I’ll go left, grab the gardening hose and use it as a tripwire, then leg it back to the TARDIS. Everything clear?”
Once again, Dan has found himself crouching behind a very prickly bush and hiding from aliens -- androids, this time. He looks over at Yaz, who nods and smiles encouragingly. Dan thinks she enjoys being in life-threatening danger a little too much, but when he looks over at the Doctor, she’s grinning just as widely.
“On my count,” the Doctor whispers. Dan prepares to run.
Bur-brum! Bur-brum!
Dan’s mobile goes off in his pocket. He fumbles for it, trying to silence the ringer, but it’s too late.
The androids turn towards the bush, their eyes glowing red.
“Three!” the Doctor yells without preamble. She dashes out from behind the bush. Yaz takes the other side and grabs for the garden hose, trying to enact the Doctor’s plan. The Doctor pulls on the other end and knocks the androids into the hose. It almost works, tripping up one android and knocking over another. The third one manages to move out of the way in time.
Dan scrambles to keep up with the Doctor and Yaz, tripping a little over the hose and falling behind. When he glances over his shoulder, Dan sees the android closing in, reaching out to grab at his jacket.
“Duck!” the Doctor yells. Dan falls to the ground. The Doctor buzzes her sonic screwdriver at the hose and turns the nozzle on the android. Water rushes out and sprays the android in the head. With its sensors blocked, it freezes, giving Dan the chance to run.
A moment later he’s safe behind the TARDIS doors -- if not half soaking from the hose.
“You could’ve aimed a little better,” Dan says, his bangs dripping in his eyes.
“You could’ve set your ringer on silent,” Yaz says with a knowing look. She smirks. She had recognized the app’s notification sound.
From the console, the Doctor tsks at them both.
“I’m sorry,” Dan starts, holding his hands up apologetically, but the Doctor interrupts him.
“Are you on Lunarr?” the Doctor asks excitedly. “Do you have a date?! Can I help you get ready? I love blind dates, they’re so romantic --”
“You know what Lunarr is?” Yaz asks, aghast. Dan is too embarrassed to know what to say.
“Well?” the Doctor asks.
“I’ll let you know, I guess,” Dan laughs, shaking his head and spraying water over the two of them. He leaves the console room to find a change of clothes and dry off. And maybe take a shirtless selfie, while he’s there. He hasn’t had any luck with anyone he’s spoken to yet, but who knows.
*
Dan: The Doctor wants to know if Bel has had her baby yet?
Karvanista: how should i know? i don’t know how babies work
Dan: Well, when two people love each other very much... 😜
Karvanista: disgusting. i’ve been sent a lot of bad pick-up lines on this app, but yours is definitely the worst.
Dan: NOT A PICK-UP LINE!
Dan: I could DEFINITELY do better than that if I was trying. 😤
Karvanista: i doubt that.
Dan: I’m traveling through time to all the most important dates...do you want to be mine?
Karvanista: pathetic.
Dan: I’ve been looking at your pics and I think you’re paw-fect for me.
Karvanista: that’s just offensive.
Dan: Are you from space? Because your ass is out of this world.
Karvanista: terrible!
Dan: FINE! I want to see you do better.
Karvanista: okay...
Karvanista: i would fight an entire flock of venusian emus just to go on one date with you.
Dan: ...
Dan: ... What the fuck?
*
Dan isn’t sure what to expect from his first date from the app. Dating on Earth was one thing: coffee, drinks, dinner, dessert in my apartment, trying to catch a cab home at three in the morning, realizing you’ve left your keys somewhere on their bedroom floor. Rinse and repeat.
Space travel has a totally different culture. And it’s not like Dan has a house to take them back to. (Well, he does, but it’s about 3 inches tall and fits in his pocket, so unless he dates someone very small, it’s not going to work.)
Dan looks self-consciously over his shoulder as he enters the bar. He hadn’t told the Doctor and Yaz that he’d set up a date when they landed, but he knew Yaz suspected it when he insisted on slipping away from dinner. The Doctor insisted she wanted to try a sixteen-course sushi restaurant experience she’d heard about several lifetimes ago, so Dan lied and said he was allergic to shellfish.
His date had recommended a club. It’s a little too loud for Dan’s tastes, but at least it’s not far from the TARDIS. He recognizes the man he’s supposed to meet at the bar and walks over.
The man looks rather like his profile picture (human, thinning brown hair, very attractive), which is promising. Knowing Dan’s luck, he might get catfished by an actual catfish-person.
“Hello, uh, John, is it?” Dan says, approaching the man at the bar.
“Who’s asking?” the man says, before he turns and takes a good look at Dan. “Oh, hey, you,” he says with a smile. He gives Dan a very obvious once-over. “Pull up a chair, hm?”
Dan perches on a barstool while John calls the bartender over and orders him a drink.
“You on leave tonight?” Dan asks. John frowns in confusion. “You know, the uniform,” Dan continues, feeling a little silly. John looks down and chuckles after a moment. He’s wearing a red military jacket, unbuttoned and open to reveal a plain dirty t-shirt.
“Oh, no,” John laughs. “Picked it up a long time ago. Red’s my color, wouldn’t you say?”
“Oh, definitely,” Dan says, feeling a bit awkward. He’s never got along well with prissy, confident types, but at least his date is fit. He has a feeling this isn’t exactly going to turn into anything serious, somehow.
Dan had decided to take it slow with the whole outer space dating thing. It had been weeks since he’d joined the app, and the only person he’d talked to for more than a pic4pic was Karvanista. (And he didn’t even count.)
He’d scrolled through dozens of profiles, pausing on a couple here and there. There were all sorts, humanoid or not, blue skin or covered in scales, bug eyes, fangs, and even cyborg implants. And yet, it seemed the shirtless mirror selfie was the same all across the universe.
John was an easy pick: nearby, quick to respond, and human. Dan was still getting used to meeting aliens. He’d leave fancying them to Yaz for a bit. Yeah, that was all.
“All of history to explore and time travellers always end up talking about the fashion trends,” John says, downing his cocktail. He eyes Dan’s button-down shirt and leather jacket. Dan had thought he looked smart, but now he feels painfully average. “You look a little green, babe, are you new to time travel?”
“Oh, I’ve been around enough,” Dan shrugs awkwardly. He isn’t sure if John is genuinely that drunk, or just rude. “Where are you from?”
“Ehhh, lots of places,” John shrugs. “Most of them bars. What about you? Judging from the fake accent, is it somewhere embarrassing? Peladon, maybe?”
“Fake?! It’s more real than yours, mate,” Dan says angrily. “Ever heard of Liverpool?”
John laughs. “Calm down, cutie, can you take a joke?”
Dan really wishes he still had his wok.
*
Karvanista: i wish you a joyous feast day as you honor your great martyr valentine’s sacrifice for love and fertility
Dan: what
Dan: OH YOU MEAN VALENTINE’S DAY
Dan: That’s not how it works. 😂
Karvanista: is that not the correct human holiday?
Dan: Yeah, but we mostly just give out cards and chocolate. Couples go out on dates and stuff.
Karvanista: chocolate?
Dan: Oops, I forgot, dogs can’t eat chocolate... just so you know, it’s delicious.😘😉
Karvanista: i try to understand your planet’s strange holidays and you still disrespect me!
Dan: Considering you kidnapped me on Halloween, I’m terrified to think how you think you’ll celebrate Easter.
Karvanista: on lupar, we would celebrate our fertility festival on the last full moon of winter by dancing naked in the snow. and howl together in unity as a homage to those we swore to protect on earth.
Dan: Really?
Karvanista: no, you idiot, we’d get drunk and watch a game of reqar-ball
Dan: ...
Dan: Ok, we’ve got to try to sneak you into a football match, you’d love it.
*
The door to the airlock shuts with a clang! Dan looks from the Doctor to Yaz, waiting for one of them to reveal a plan, but they both look defeated.
“They took my sonic,” the Doctor says. She pulls her hands out of her pockets and comes up empty-handed. “We’re trapped here!”
“And they could open the doors any minute,” Yaz says, looking at the heavy doors to the airlock. Dan can guess what she’s imagining: the bulkhead doors opening and sucking the three of them out into space.
“We’ve gotten out of worse scrapes,” the Doctor says confidently to Yaz, trying to cheer her up.
“Yeah? Got any ideas?” Yaz asks, raising an eyebrow.
“Well, not yet,” the Doctor frowns.
Dan’s mobile phone buzzes in his pocket and he automatically moves to answer it. His eyes light up.
“They didn’t take my mobile,” he says with a smirk, holding it up. The Doctor grins.
“Perfect, we can call for help!” she says, making grabby hands at his mobile. Dan knows well enough not to give it to her, unless he wants it reprogrammed (again).
“Wait,” Yaz says, eyebrows knit together. “Who do you have in your mobile that we can actually call to rescue us?”
*
Dan: SOS
Karvanista: [AJE928384AJ392DJ9402.jpg]
Dan: It means Save Our Souls, not send SHIRTLESS PICS!!
Dan: we’re about to be EXECUTED!!!!
Karvanista: oh
Karvanista: well why didn’t you just say so outright?!?!
Karvanista: i could be free of all my problems if i’d just ignored your message and let nature take its course...
Karvanista would like to schedule a Time Warp meetup!
*
Dan could almost cry when Karvanista’s axe bursts through the door lock. The Doctor and Yaz jump back as sparks fly from the door. Karvanista sticks his head inside the airlock to glower at all of them.
“Never thought I’d be so happy to see you,” Dan says with a grin. “I could kiss you!”
“In your dreams,” Karvanista growls. “Quick, get out of here before the guards come.”
They leave the airlock and race down the corridor, stopping at an intersection to peer around the corner.
“Where are you parked? I thought you would dock at our airlock,” the Doctor says to Karvanista, a little critically.
“It would be a pretty short rescue, considering there’s a gun turret there,” Karvanista says flatly. He points left down the corridor. “My craft is this way. Where’s your ship?” he asks.
“The TARDIS is -- get down!” the Doctor grabs Yaz and pushes her to the floor, right as a laser bolt flies over their heads.
Dan dives to the side, throwing all of his weight into Karvanista to shove him out of the way of the next bolt. It hits the ceiling and ignites the light fixture overhead, sending it crashing to the floor in a mess of sparks and fire -- right where Karvanista had been standing a moment ago.
Dan isn’t going to risk looking around the corner, but he can bet there’s an entire group of guards firing on them. When he turns to check that Karvanista is unharmed, he’s staring at Dan. Dan can hear his heart pounding in his ears.
“What?” Dan asks, ignoring the laser bolts flying above his head.
“You saved my life,” Karvanista says in disbelief.
“Well, I’m not entirely incompetent, try to give me some credit,” Dan snorts. He turns to see the Doctor and Yaz crouched for cover on the other side of the corridor. The burning wreckage and laser fire blocks their way, separating them.
“Go with Karvanista!” the Doctor yells over the shooting. Dan can barely see her through the acrid blue smoke slowly filling the corridor. “He’ll keep you safe! We’ll get the TARDIS and find you, I promise!”
Yaz is coughing, choking on the smoke. The Doctor takes her hand and they run, leaving Dan with Karvanista.
“Typical,” Karvanista huffs. “Damn woman. Let’s go.”
Dan scrambles to follow him. Karvanista seems to be fueled by some new fury or berserker rage. He meets each guard with a roar and knocks them unconscious with his brute strength. He doesn’t use his axe or kill anyone, but he has a few choice words in a language that the TARDIS doesn’t translate for Dan.
Finally, they make it to Karvanista’s ship unscathed and dash inside. Karvanista closes the bulkhead behind them.
They’ve barely had time to make it to the controls before an explosion rocks the space station, reverberations rolling into the Lupari craft.
“What the hell was that?” Dan asks. “D’you think the Doctor and Yaz got out okay?”
“Probably the electrical fire,” Karvanista mutters. “That’s what happens when you fire compressed laser bolt pistols in an enclosed space. Idiots.”
Karvanista takes to the controls and pilots them away from the station. No one fires at them or gives chase (probably preoccupied by the fire), so it doesn’t take long for the ship to leave the system.
“Where are we?” Dan asks, looking out at the stars through the viewscreen. He doesn’t see any planets or suns, just stars. It feels like stopping off on a country road between cities.
“Coordinates 93820KO-38931W,” Karvanista says gruffly.
“Thanks, Google Maps,” Dan snorts. “I mean, what’s this place called? Does it have a name?”
Karvanista hits a few buttons on his computer. Text pops up in an alien language.
“I think it’s called the Samber Cascade,” Karvanista says. “Been here once. Long time ago.”
“Yeah?” Dan asks, but Karvanista doesn’t elaborate.
Instead, he walks over to the wall and smacks a button on it. The ceiling of the craft unfolds, opening into a skylight. Dan looks up at the stars scattered across the darkness of space. After a moment, his eyes adjust. It’s not a pure, deep black, but scattered with patches of grey and blue and red -- space dust? asteroids? matter? energy? Dan doesn’t know.
Dan glances at Karvanista and realizes with a start that he’s just standing there, staring at Dan.
“What’s this for?” Dan asks, gesturing up at the skylight.
“What do you think?” Karvanista scoffs. “Don’t humans like to look at the stars?”
Dan shrugs, trying not to blush. Well, now that he thinks about it, he’d kind of assumed it was a universal desire.
“Don’t dogs howl at the moon?”
Karvanista rolls his eyes. “Lupar doesn’t even have a moon,” he says.
“So that thing about dancing naked, that was a lie?” Dan asks. Karvanista’s ears twitch. Dan just laughs. “Okay, is one of those stars out there yours?”
“No, you can’t see it from here,” Karvanista says, looking up at the skylight. “But do you see that one?” Karvanista points upwards, but he could be pointing at any of them.
“No.”
“The white one! Next to that blue-ish big one, right there.”
“They all look white to me!”
“Oh, for the love of -- here!” Karvanista pulls Dan in front of him and points upwards. Dan follows his paw to a small, distant star. “That’s Earth’s sun.”
“Really? How do you know?”
“I know where Earth is anywhere I go,” Karvanista says softly, a little sadly. “It’s the responsibility, the pride of the Lupari.”
Dan is suddenly aware of Karvanista’s paws on his shoulders. If he leaned his head back, he could rest it on his chest. He feels the tips of his ears go pink.
“How did you ever end up saddled with me?” Dan asks quietly. “Of all the humans on Earth, why me?”
Karvanista sighs. Dan feels the weight of Karvanista’s paws disappear. He misses them instantly. Karvanista walks away to fiddle with the ship’s controls, a gesture Dan finds all too familiar.
“That’s a good question,” Karvanista says. “I always thought they assigned us our equivalent on Earth, you know. I thought my designated human would be a warrior or a leader --”
“And you got me,” Dan finishes. “Yeah, I feel you, mate. You’re not what I pictured either. We have our own idea of guardian angels on Earth, but they’re generally less... furry.”
Karvanista rolls his eyes. “If only my people had known how truly annoying humans could be. Maybe they’d have shut it about ‘ancient duty’ for once. Just look at you!”
“Oh, I know,” Dan says sarcastically. “‘Insignificant, irrelevant, and utterly meaningless,’ was it?”
Karvanista covers his eyes with one paw, rubbing the bridge of his nose in embarrassment.
“Did I really say all that?” he asks with a groan. He collapses back into the pilot’s seat. “I’m doing this all wrong, aren’t I?”
“Um,” Dan says awkwardly.
“Look, I don’t know how you humans go about this,” Karvanista says matter-of-factly. “I tried to look it up on your Twitter net, but your customs are too complicated. If you were a Lupar, I’d defeat a Swamp Pulynx and present you with its foreclaw, but I have a feeling you wouldn’t appreciate that.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Dan says, his eyes glazing over a little bit.
“After all that time you spent messaging me on Lunarr? I think you know exactly what I’m talking about,” Karvanista says.
“I --”
Dan freezes mid-comeback. He feels like he’s reliving the past few weeks in slow motion: the messages, the conversations, pick-up lines, jokes, explaining Valentine’s Day, the shirtless photo -- oh. Oh. Oh with capital letters, Oh fuck, because Dan definitely has feelings for Karvanista. Big feelings. Big, last year I thought I was just queer and now apparently I’m into aliens too? feelings.
“How big is a Swamp Pulynx?” Dan asks, feeling a little weak about the knees.
Karvanista shrugs. “Half the size of a Desert Camebear.”
“That doesn’t tell me anything,” Dan says.
Dan wishes someone was here to tell him what’s going on. The alien dog man who kidnapped him and took him into outer space, the one who’s his kind-of assigned galactic soulmate and guardian, the one who sent Dan a photo of himself shirtless - he has romantic feelings for Dan.
And Dan, thinking of Karvanista’s sly comebacks and sharp sense of humor, his stoic determination, his rippling muscles hiding under all of that armor -- Dan thinks he has romantic feelings right back.
Dan scrambles for something familiar to cling to.
“How about we just go for a drink? That’s what I’d do normally. Find a nice pub, watch a match, y’know. A date.”
Karvanista visibly relaxes. “Thank Rayfax,” he says, “that sounds much easier.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not unlike the Swamp Pulynx, come to think of it. Except we’ll get you a jersey instead of a trophy foreclaw,” Dan smiles.
Karvanista reaches out and takes Dan’s hand in his paw.
“Might be a bit strange, dating an alien,” Karvanista says skeptically, “but I s’pose it’s worth a try.”
*
Dan: Yaz? Are you two okay?
Dan: Please tell me you guys didn’t have a stress-induced confession of love and then forgot about me on this ship.
Dan: I think I might’ve had though
Dan: the stress-induced confession
Dan: God I hope your mobile got destroyed in some freak accident
*
Vworp vworp vworp vworp vworp!
A strange wind blows through Karvanista’s ship as the TARDIS materializes, sending the deck of cards they’d been using flying around. Dan throws his hand down in disappointment -- he’d been trying to figure out how to teach Karvanista to play ‘Go Fish’ with his strange deck of Lupari cards.
Karvanista swears. “Bloody typical! I was winning!”
Dan sideyes him, but doesn’t argue. They peel themselves out of their chairs reluctantly. The TARDIS door creaks open and the Doctor steps out, Yaz right behind her.
“About time,” Dan says to the Doctor, “it’s been hours. What was the hold up? Did you make it out okay?”
“Yeah, but someone left his time shielding up, and it took me some finagling to materialize,” the Doctor scowls, raising her eyebrows at Karvanista.
Dan didn’t realize a dog could blush, but Karvanista finds a way. Dan bites back a smile.
“I saved your life,” Dan reminds Karvanista. “You owe me that drink.”
“As loathe as I am to admit it, I probably do,” Karvanista says, clapping Dan on the shoulder in a half-hug. “Now, get off my ship before I change my mind!”
Before the TARDIS doors close, Dan turns back to see Karvanista smiling softly at him.
The TARDIS’ engines whir as they take off, leaving Karvanista’s ship behind. Dan drags his feet and hesitates by the doors to the console room, thinking of the stars Karvanista had shown him, his promises.
“So, you dating the alien dog man now, or what?” Yaz teases in an undertone, so the Doctor won’t hear. “Alien abduction, how’s that for a meet cute?”
Dan snorts. “I don’t know, Sheffield,” he says, “You tell me.”
*