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Technically, Audrey was still confined downtrain of the Nightcar. The banishment hadn't stopped her, of course; she had already managed to get uptrain twice in the last few days, and she would absolutely do it again, if she had any need. She had never cared much about breaking rules.
So, the flicker of unease that Audrey felt in her gut as she followed Detective Till through the orange-glowing corridors of Second came as a surprise. Audrey found herself watching passersby, half expecting to be met with aggression or judgement at any moment. It took an embarrassingly long time for her to realise that the feeling was anxiety. It was as if sobriety - both from alcohol and Wilford - was forcing her to relearn how to navigate the world.
Audrey watched Bess palm the chip reader, open the door and step inside her apartment. Bess proceeded to station herself in front of the door, Brakeman-style. Something about the action - perhaps its familiarity, or perhaps its betrayal of how awkward Bess was to welcome a guest into her new home - put Audrey at ease. Not quite fully, but enough. If Bess could fall back on her pre-revolution habits, then so could Audrey.
Audrey trained her eyes on Bess as she entered the room, offering her a tight smile as she passed her in the doorway. Audrey and Bess had talked every day on the pirate train. But even on the occasions when their conversations had grown deep, they had only been a way to pass the time. It wasn't until a couple of days ago, when Bess had burst into the maintenance closet to cry, leaving her usual hard exterior outside, that Audrey had found herself intrigued by the detective. Later that night, when Audrey had tried to find out more about what was going on with her, Bess had, predictably, run away from the question.
So, to satisfy some of her curiosity, Audrey didn't hold back as she looked around the room. Surrounded by Bess's decor and belongings, Audrey felt like she knew her better within seconds.
Determined to keep up the charade of acting as their pre-revolution selves for as long as possible, Audrey decided to speak up. She didn't want to say anything too complimentary, though. It wouldn't sound genuine if Audrey began to gush about the simple room. She didn't want to say anything that could be construed as ungrateful, either.
"Homey," she commented, with the tiniest hint of sarcasm in her voice.
Audrey turned to Bess to gauge her reaction. She already had her phone in her hand, no doubt ready to call the engine. Bess paused, and looked back at Audrey with predictable suspicion, before replying with a tentative, "Thanks."
As Bess began to dial, Audrey turned and looked out of the window. She then continued to look around the room while Bess talked on the phone. When Audrey opened the closet door, Bess glanced over at her. It wasn't quite a protest, or even a warning. But Audrey quickly closed it again, anyway. She didn't want to overstep - not when they could be stuck together in this room for hours.
Audrey had just begun to sit on the edge of the bed when Bess hung up and turned towards her. She instinctively shot back up, surprising herself with her apparent lack of comfort. She was never usually this jumpy. Perhaps Bess's nervous energy was rubbing off on her.
"I, uh, I guess we're, uh, riding this out together," said Bess.
Once again, Audrey managed to find comfort in Bess's awkwardness. As uncomfortable as Audrey felt, Bess was clearly in a worse position.
"Great," Audrey replied, making sure to sound upbeat. She smiled at Bess as warmly as she could, hoping to alleviate some of her growing discomfort. Audrey didn't wait for an invitation to sit down on the bed; she moved much more confidently this time, and perched elegantly on the edge. She allowed her gaze to wander around the room again for a moment. When she looked at Bess again, she realised that the other woman hadn't moved. It was up to Audrey to move the conversation on.
"Got any board games?" she suggested. Audrey was prepared to play on the off chance that Bess had any games stashed away. But she expected the answer to be no. She hadn't seen Bess play a single one of the library's games in the whole six months they'd spent on the pirate train.
"I hate board games."
It was a stronger rebuttal than Audrey had expected. She took a breath, processing the response and deciding what to say next. But before she could speak, Bess continued.
"Um, but I, uh, got a, uh grapefruit..."
Audrey couldn't help smiling as Bess awkwardly began to list off the fruit she had in her apartment. She picked up an orange and casually threw it to Audrey. The flying fruit surprised Audrey almost as much as the fact that she managed to catch it. She was still smiling to herself when she heard the unmistakable clinking of glass on glass.
Audrey turned back to Bess to see her bringing a bottle and two glasses down from a shelf.
She reacted fast, not wanting to give herself too much time to consider it, just in case.
"Oh, uh," Audrey said, rising from the bed, "I'm on the wagon."
It felt good to say it, and she had to fight to keep herself from bursting into an embarrassing smile. She paused for a second and leaned against the closet, composing herself. Then, she held up the fruit and offered, "But I can make you something?"
Bess's eyes searched Audrey's expression for what felt like an age, before she agreed. Audrey suspected that Bess had been attempting to use a casual tone. It hadn't worked.
Audrey placed the fruit down on the desk, then began to remove her coat. When Bess made no immediate move to take the coat or direct her to a place to hang it, Audrey took the initiative and dropped it onto the bed.
"Do you have a knife?"
Audrey couldn't hold back a laugh at the momentary flicker of fear in Bess's eyes.
"For the grapefruit!" she clarified, with theatrical exasperation despite the fact that Bess was already reaching for a drawer.
"Sorry," Bess mumbled, embarrassed.
Audrey smirked as she took the knife, then quickly set about slicing and peeling. Meanwhile, Bess removed her jacket and began pacing. The anxious energy was grating on Audrey already. After a while, she spoke up.
"It's gonna be okay, Bess."
Bess stopped pacing and sat down, her knee bouncing fast and high.
"Can you make it a triple?" Bess asked. Although she was joking about her own restlessness, the request was serious.
Audrey looked back at Bess for a moment. They held each other's gaze, in a silent challenge. It was still lunchtime, and just two minutes ago, Bess had told the engine to call her if needed. A triple seemed a little excessive. But Audrey wasn't exactly in a position to judge. She gave a small nod before returning her attention to making the drink. She finished it in silence, then poured a glass of water for herself before carrying the drinks over to Bess. The detective stood up to accept her drink, and Audrey couldn't help smiling at her awkwardness again.
"Thanks," said Bess, taking the glass carefully and immediately taking a sip. "It's good," she complimented, as she settled back into the chair.
Audrey just smiled in reply. She stepped over to the bed, and made herself comfortable. They discussed the smoke outside for a while, then resumed their earlier conversation about Melanie. Bess slowly relaxed as she drank, and the nervous energy in the room began to dissipate.
"Is it hot in here?" Bess asked, when three-quarters of her drink was gone.
"It's certainly warmer than Third," Audrey agreed.
Bess pulled at the collar of her shirt, before placing her glass down and undoing her top button. She proceeded to continue moving the collar, almost as if fanning herself with the shirt. Audrey didn't like seeing her look so uncomfortable.
"Just take it off, Bess," she told her, impatiently.
The detective hesitated for just a moment, before giving in to the suggestion and bringing her hands to the second button. Audrey briefly contemplated making a teasing remark, before deciding that it would be a step too far, given that she was a guest in Bess's home. A moment later, Audrey caught herself watching Bess's fingers manoeuvre the buttons. She had to make a deliberate effort to look away. She settled her eyes on the bookshelf, reading through all the titles that were large enough to see from across the room.
When she finished with the buttons, Bess fidgeted in the chair for a moment before picking up her drink again and settling down.
"Better?" Audrey asked.
Bess gave a non-committal "Mm" in reply, then took another sip of her drink and settled into silently staring at the glass.
Audrey managed to entertain herself for another minute or so by looking around the room again. But when the silence got too much for her to bear, she had to break it. She was just about to thank Bess for allowing her to shelter at her apartment, when she got a better idea. She altered her phrasing slightly, in the hope that it could perhaps work as a way to bring them back to the conversation that Bess had walked away from the other night.
"Thank you for letting me in, Bess," Audrey ventured.
"In?" Bess replied.
Audrey was pleased that the detective had immediately picked up on her deliberate choice of phrasing.
"Mmm," Audrey quietly confirmed, breaking into a confident grin.
"Oh, you're not 'in'," Bess retorted, clumsily pointing to her head. The only reason she didn't spill her drink was that it was almost all gone.
Audrey raised her eyebrows, challenging Bess's proclamation. Bess ignored Audrey, shaking her almost-empty glass and asking, "Make me another?"
Audrey didn't want to do that. It would feel too much like enabling. She tried to keep her tone casual and friendly as she held Bess's gaze and began her careful reply.
"Look, I'm not one to talk. But you've been leaning pretty heavily on alcohol."
"You're right," Bess agreed, turning away from Audrey as she continued, "You're not one to talk." As if to prove her point, she drained her glass.
They had been in the opposite positions just a few days ago; Bess telling the person working the noodle bar to cut Audrey off, then making an attempt to get through to her. Audrey could admit to herself that it had somewhat worked - and that was why she wanted to do the same for Bess.
"Everybody gets by in their own way," she said, instinctively knowing that Bess would respond better to generalisations than to any further direct confrontation. She watched Bess's reactions carefully as she continued, "It's perfectly acceptable to build a fortress around yourself."
"Yeah. Sure, sure," Bess replied, clearly throwing a mirror up to Audrey.
She laughed. Bess was right; they'd both done it.
"Did you remember to build a gate, though?" Audrey asked.
Bess scoffed. "Enough with the metaphor, Audrey."
"Fine," Audrey conceded, holding her hands up in surrender. If Bess didn't want to deal in metaphors, she would speak plainly. "I'll ask again, then. You care so much for the people in your life. So why won't you let anyone care for you?"
Bess looked away and shook her head. She went to drink again, before realising that her glass was empty.
"You can't run away from it this time," Audrey told her, softly.
Even though Bess was facing away, Audrey could see that her mind was racing through answers to the question.
"We could do this properly?" Audrey suggested.
"I don't need whatever Nightcar shit you're trying to pull-"
"Yes, you do," Audrey countered.
Bess squirmed in her seat, apparently contemplating the offer. Audrey knew that Bess was ready. But she wasn't sure whether her stubbornness would get in the way of her agreeing.
Bess shook her head again and rose from her seat. Audrey sighed to herself. She watched Bess cross to the desk, pick up the bottle of liquor, remove the cap, tip it towards her glass - and then pause.
Bess returned the bottle to the desk, clattering it against the glass. Hope flickered within Audrey. She watched Bess brace her hands on the desk, then she quickly shuffled off the bed and stepped over to join her. Audrey gently placed a reassuring hand on Bess's shoulder, drawing a quick, surprised glance from the other woman before she turned away again.
"It's okay," Audrey soothed.
Bess scrubbed a hand over her face. Her breath hitched slightly. Then, she nodded. Small, at first, then bigger.
Audrey didn't need to be told twice. She quickly grabbed the chair, and moved it to the middle of the room. Bess eyed it nervously, and when she didn't make any attempt to move towards it, Audrey gently beckoned her over. Bess slowly, tentatively moved closer. As soon as she was within arms reach, Audrey took hold of Bess's arms and guided her into the chair.
Bess's movements were stiff, and she sat rigid. Audrey moved her hands to Bess's shoulders, attempting to massage some of the nervous tension from Bess's body. The experience wouldn't work if Bess resisted it. She needed to relax enough to allow it to happen.
"Just breathe," Audrey encouraged.
A moment later, Bess wriggled out of Audrey's grasp. She leaned forward, bracing her elbows on her knees. Audrey brought her empty hands to her hips, waiting.
"I don't wanna do this," Bess said, her voice almost breaking at the end of the sentence.
"I know," Audrey sympathised. There was a delicate balance between wanting to be healed, but not wanting to go through the difficult process of starting to heal. Audrey was relatively confident that Bess was ready to start. But Bess had to decide it for herself. Audrey waited patiently behind the chair while Bess cradled her head in her hands and fidgeted with nerves.
Eventually, Bess straightened up in the chair. Audrey caught her as she moved, replacing her reassuring hands on both shoulders.
"Okay," Bess announced, decisively.
She fiddled with the edges of her shirt again, apparently still feeling too warm in the small room.
"Okay," Audrey echoed, reassuringly.
Bess dropped her hands and exhaled, uncomfortably.
"It's okay," Audrey insisted again.
Bess glanced up at her, only for a moment.
"It's okay," Audrey repeated.
It was difficult to do this outside the Nightcar, without the screens and sounds. On top of that, Audrey was out of practice. But she couldn't let Bess realise that she was anything less than a hundred percent confident about what she was doing. So, when Bess asked, "What happens next?" Audrey deliberately calmed her voice as she replied, "Okay, close your eyes. Just breathe."
Bess followed the instructions immediately - though her breathing was still plagued by nerves. Audrey hadn't expected any less.
"You're safe now," Audrey reminded her, "You're safe." She slowly placed a hand on Bess's chest, over her heart, to help ground her. Bess flinched at the touch, but didn't move away. A few heartbeats later, she relaxed against Audrey's gentle hold. As Audrey continued, Bess fell into an unusually agitated type of the usual calm that washed over Nightcar clients, flinching at every touch. She was ready, though.
"Come back, to the core of who you are," Audrey instructed.
Bess twisted and shoved Audrey's hands away. Audrey leaned back. She hadn't expected such a strong reaction. But, when she reflected for a moment, it wasn't exactly surprising, either - not for Bess. She returned her hands to Bess's shoulders as she began to speak.
"I'm rotten."
Audrey fought her instinct to tell Bess that she wasn't. For now, Bess needed to concentrate on going deeper into herself. There would be time to argue with her negative opinions later - as long as the engine didn't call. Audrey desperately hoped that the phone wouldn't ring. Being interrupted at this moment would be awful for Bess.
After a few seconds of waiting patiently, it became clear that Bess was resisting, despite being so close to the edge. Audrey leaned in, and demanded, "Go there."
Bess fell fast. She started by listing off more things that she hated about herself, all the while alternately twisting away from Audrey's comforting hold then leaning back into it again. At some point, her undone shirt slipped down her shoulder. Without thinking, Audrey lifted it back up for her. It was only as she let go of the soft fabric that she remembered Bess had done the same for her, a few days ago, when her coat had slipped down at the noodle bar. After a pause to collect herself, Audrey encouraged Bess to go deeper again. It wasn't long before Audrey took control, joining Bess wherever she'd gone and reminding her of who she had become.
"You left what you knew, to fight for what is right. You've changed."
As far as Audrey was concerned, they were undeniable, objective facts. Bess, however, didn't seem convinced.
"You've changed," Audrey insisted, speaking softly into Bess's ear, her hand over her heart again.
"The things we've done, Audrey…"
That was true, too. Audrey couldn't try to deny that they had both done awful things - as had most of the survivors on the trains. Bess needed to stop letting it eat away at her. She, like so many of the survivors, was a good person who had done bad things. Audrey desperately wanted to help her see it. She wrapped her arms around Bess as she spoke slowly, letting her words travel to wherever Bess was.
"What we've done cannot be changed. Your past may be rotten, but your core is not."
The tension finally began to drain away from Bess's body. Audrey offered more comforting contact, holding Bess's arms, chest and face as she continued slowly talking.
"I see you, Bess."
Audrey moved around to the front of the chair and kneeled. She gently took hold of Bess's hands as she finished up the session, encouraging Bess to let the sun in and warm her up, before finally bringing her back into the present.
As soon as Bess returned, she collapsed into Audrey's embrace. Audrey kneeled up, catching Bess and holding her tight.
They held each other for a long time - long enough that Audrey's knees began to hurt. She didn't want to move, though. Not until Bess was ready to let go.
"Thank you," Bess mumbled against Audrey's shoulder, before leaning back to wipe her eyes.
"You're welcome," Audrey replied quietly. She shifted on the floor, making herself more comfortable. Then, she placed her hands on Bess's knees and looked up into her eyes.
"You did well, Bess," she praised, sincerely.
A bashful smile spread over the detective's face as she cast her gaze shyly to the floor.
"I didn't realise how exhausting that was gonna be," Bess said, deflecting the attention.
"It tends to be less so, when you aren't tensing every muscle in your body," Audrey softly teased.
Bess chuckled, then added, "I guess the midday liquor didn't help, either."
She stood up from the chair, stretched, then held her hand out to help Audrey up off the floor.
Audrey could feel a glow burning on her cheeks as she accepted the gesture. Confident that her makeup was covering her blush, Audrey managed to smile up at Bess as she pulled her up in a strong, smooth movement. Audrey tried to ignore the obvious quickening of her heart rate as she found herself standing just inches from the other woman. She didn't need this now.
Bess was the first one to step away from their sudden close physical proximity. She sat on her bed, flopping down heavily and leaning up against the headboard. Audrey hovered, debating whether she should join Bess or take the chair. She was just about to ask, when Bess cocked her head towards the empty space next to her, in a silent invitation.
Audrey walked around the bed, then delicately positioned herself on it. She was just getting comfortable, when Bess leaned forward, looking towards the window.
"Is it clearing?" she asked, before shuffling closer to the window.
Audrey turned, looking at the fog outside. Bess was right; it didn't seem quite as dense as it had earlier.
"I think so," she agreed.
They both watched quietly, slowly edging closer to the window as it became increasingly easy to see outside. It was oddly calming, staring out into the dwindling fog. Within a few minutes, the sky became visible. Bess let out a relieved sigh.
"Nearly there," she said, before flopping back on the bed.
Audrey continued staring out of the window for a moment longer, then turned to face Bess. The detective had shifted up the bed so that she was laying on her back, her head nestled into her pillow. She turned her head towards Audrey, and smiled. Audrey hesitated for a moment, then shuffled back on the bed. Audrey's heart was racing again. She grabbed her coat for comfort, and snuggled into it as she lay down next to Bess. She wasn't sure whether or not it helped.
"Nearly there," Audrey echoed.
She knew she wasn't only talking about the train and the fog. She couldn't decide whether or not she wanted Bess to realise as much.
Bess rolled onto her side, so that she was face-to-face with Audrey. The room felt so different, now, without the heavy orange glow. They both took some time settling into a comfortable position, then lay in a companionable silence for a while, searching each other's eyes.
Eventually, Audrey felt a tiny hint of unease creeping back in. She broke the silence.
"How do you feel?" she asked, softly.
Bess smiled brightly as she replied, "Better. Thank you."
Audrey didn't know how to move the conversation on, and had to work hard to hide her relief when the intercom chimes burst into the apartment. She watched Bess turn her head, presumably looking up at a speaker somewhere above them. But as Bennett announced the all-clear, Audrey didn't tear her eyes away from Bess's face for a single second.
When the announcement was over, Bess settled back down again.
"I just want to sleep," she told Audrey.
Audrey wasn't surprised to hear it; Bess had already said she was exhausted. The soft tone in which she spoke the words was surprising, though. Usually, a declaration of wanting to sleep would be a cue to leave. But there was no suggestion in Bess's voice that she wanted Audrey to go. Was she even, perhaps, inviting her to stay?
Audrey didn't move from her position on Bess's bed as she quietly agreed, "Me, too."
She hadn't expected to sound so vulnerable. Audrey was relatively confident that Bess's body language, tone and words were suggesting she could stay. And even if she had got it all wrong, Audrey could handle rejection. She couldn't figure out why her voice had sounded so small, all of a sudden.
But, then, she didn't have to.
Audrey felt Bess's little finger - which had been just inches away from Audrey's for the last minute or so - nudge up against her own. Audrey's hand reflexively moved to compliment the action, and a second later it was in Bess's.
Audrey almost laughed at herself. Just minutes ago, she had been holding Bess's hands as she opened her eyes. It hadn't stirred anything in her. Yet now, on the bed, lying next to each other, Audrey suddenly had butterflies in her stomach like a lovesick teenager. As exciting as it was, Audrey couldn't stop judging herself as she melted into Bess's touch. She gripped Bess's hand tight, enjoying the feeling of Bess's warm breath against her knuckles.
When Bess let go of her hand, Audrey instantly, deeply missed the contact. She quickly pushed the feeling away as best she could. Bess turned over, reached under the bed, and pulled out a blanket. Audrey didn't bother trying to hold back her smile as she sat up to help Bess unfold the blanket and arrange it over their feet and legs. They worked together effortlessly, neither of them needing to talk to communicate. Then, they settled back down, still facing each other.
They had to lie close together to fit under the blanket - close, but still not quite touching. Audrey wasn't sure how it happened, but their fingers slowly laced back together. Their clasped hands came to rest between their faces once again. Audrey would've held Bess, if she had wanted to be held. She knew that Bess was unlikely to ask, and she wanted to offer. But Audrey unexpectedly found herself unable to break the perfect silence. Maybe next time, she told herself.
She immediately felt foolish about the fact that she was already envisioning a next time. It was a fact, though. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt anything like this. Long before the freeze, for sure. It was as if there was a low buzz radiating throughout every inch of her body. The timing was incredibly inconvenient. She hoped that the feeling would fade away just as quickly as it had crept up on her.
As Bess's eyes dropped shut and her face relaxed into an impossibly peaceful expression, Audrey's mind continued to race. She knew that there was no way she would be able to sleep. But, lying here, with her hand in Bess's, she didn't care. She could happily stay there forever.