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The Sokovian stood staring out the window of the current resident that the unlikely trio was staying in. Well, unlikely is wrong, more— improbable that the Baron was now to be part of a group like this, one that ends up working with super powered people. Despite Bucky being the exception to his rule, sometimes when Sam spoke of the others it still left an unsettling feeling in his gut and a dusty taste served as a constant reminder. It was more unexpected that he was out of the raft now. The work of Captain America and Bucky Barnes’ persistence while working with the Wakandan’s and King T’Challa. They felt the Baron could continue his usefulness, there were rules, of course to his release, wrong moves would have him back in the box… and Zemo had to admit he has found a renewed sense of vigor being out of it, despite the memories that have been haunting him…
—The door opened, breaking the man of his thoughts as the clear timbre of Sam's voice broke him out of his thoughts, though he did not feel a need to turn around as of yet, as the other had called out to Bucky, who was in another room in the apartment.
“Bucky! Hey, I found something out.”
“Found something?” He heard James respond from further away but the footfalls told Zemo that he was quickly approaching the room, “What the hell is that?” and this was when curiosity started to rise a little in the Sokovian, and he found himself turning. The former winter soldier was standing frozen staring at… was that some sort of… teddy bear that Sam was holding? Oddly dressed, it almost reminded him of some sort of caricature that looked familiar.
“I saw it at this shop and I had to pick it up, Buck. Look, it’s you!” The Captain said grinning a mischievous grin that spoke of this being a teasing jest hung in the air but he feels it’s a little lost as he noticed James’ eyes widen before that scowl of annoyance was back on the man’s handsome face, and while he preferred the smile there was still something about this look he finds fond. Maybe because it had been directed at him so often.
“You can’t be serious.” James groaned out in frustration.
“I believe he is very serious James.” The Baron comments as he moves to cross the space to the plush couch that was his goal. Hearing the clear huff despite it being soft. He was sure that James more than wanted to say something sassy at him in return but Sam beat them to speaking up.
“Look at it. It’s adorable. Though the uniform is hilarious, did they really think you dressed like this?”
“It was the ‘comics’ that they put out for Captain America.” Came the almost snide comment as the former winter soldier snatched out of Sam’s hand before the other could wiggle it around anymore and do a rather endearing wave of one of the arms.
“Do you think they’ll do that with us?” Sam teased Just to see Bucky roll his eyes in response.
“Oh I hope not.” Zemo decided to comment with a small shake of his head. “I don’t want to find out what they would do with me. No thank you.”
“Oh I’m sure they’ll make you ‘oh so horrible’.” That comment from the Captain got a faint scowl of his own.
“You have doubts, I can tell. We all know I would not be well liked.”
“Keep doing good with us and I’m sure it will be just fine.” James comments with a look that crosses the older man’s face that the Baron can’t quite place. Then he holds up the bear. “We’re getting rid of this.” He says firmly.
“Oh come on Buck. We should keep it. It’s fun. Don’t be butt hurt over it.”
Zemo can tell the comment from Sam brought a small debate in James before the older man shook his head. “We’re getting rid of it.” He said more firmly. Keeping it out of the darker skinned man’s reach.
“We can always give it to charity Sam, that way you do not feel it goes to waste.” Zemo comments before the bear is suddenly tossed at the couch next to him by James.
“Good idea. And don’t argue Sam.” Bucky said with a pointed look and Sam sighs and raises his hand in defeat.
“Fine. If it bothers you that much we’ll give it to goodwill or something.” There was a sudden ring from Samuel's phone that paused the conversation as he answered. “Hey Sara what’s up? Yeah I’m sure I can get him to help with some heavy lifting. Yeah. We’ll see about heading over when we can. Yeah. Okay bye.”
Such a short call had him curious but it wasn’t like they were that far from the man’s sister at the moment.
“What’s up?” Bucky asked lightly.
“She needs help moving a couch.”
“A couch?” The Baron blinks.
“Hey we’re not doing anything we might as well head over now. Waiting for information isn’t going to change if we’re here or over there.” James said, moving to grab his jacket.
“I would prefer not to go.” He said, causing the other two to look at him and the sokovian finds himself holding out his hands lightly. “I promise to behave. Besides, I still have that tracker. It’s not like I can get too far without any of your knowledge.” It was just… he wasn’t sure his mood could handle the two boys running around that house with Sam’s lovely sister. And after a long moment of a silent conversation between the two in a shared look and a small shrug from Bucky, Sam spoke up.
“Alright, we’re trusting you to stay put.”
“I wouldn’t dream of leaving.” Came the dry response from the Baron.
There was a small bit of shuffling, Sam still had to put the food items he had gone out to grab away, and then he was alone, and maybe it wasn’t exactly a good idea but left with his thoughts. The thing is, with the solitude that he had while in prison he found that it sometimes was strange to be with someone nearly constantly save for the privacy he was obviously allowed already. This was the first real step to them trusting him fully to this extent and to that he was grateful. It was just a wonder how long it might last. Given he was not in any way planning on changing himself to match what they saw in him. Or maybe that was a lie he was telling himself sense then point out of caring for someone again after years. That small bit of warm feeling was now what drove him to help despite the current predicament not being Super soldiers, or at least at the moment there wasn’t a reason to believe it was that.
A faint sigh left the Baron as he tried to shake the internal musing. He should make some tea. Run a bath to enjoy the little peaceful evening he was granted.
When he went to get up the… Bucky bear slid to the ground making him pause and lift it up. There was an urge, to throw it away like James had wished or at least put it in Sam’s room, but as he was staring at it a soft fond memory of Carl slid into his mind unwanted—
‘Can I have it Papa?’ Round gentle puppy eyes looked up at him, hopeful, which was always a little hard for him to resist when he had time to actually be home around the busy work schedule he kept, however…
‘Are you really sure you want it? I thought you had something like this already.’
‘No. I don’t. I have some bears but this is Iron Man! He’s the best.’
He remembered the fond breath that left him as he finally gave in, Iron man was his favorite. ‘Okay, we’ll get it then. But don’t leave it forgotten like some of your other toys’
‘I won’t! I promise Papa!’
Carl wouldn’t let go of the stuffed Iron bear if it was even tired to be snatched from him. He carried it around for days. It went everywhere with him, and it was one of those things that Zemo was glad he gave in to get his son as it was so well loved.
—he came back to himself with his hands squeezing the Bucky bear a little too tightly and with the middle squished in such a way that he almost felt bad for the tightened hold he had the stuffed toy in. He forced himself to take a breath, just glad that tears hadn’t found their way to him, in that moment, letting his grip loosen as he stared at it in thought. James was his favorite. Much like Iron man was his son’s. And what’s the real harm in keeping something for a little while in hope of happier memories and not…
Not the lifeless glazed eyes that haunt his dreams.
“I guess despite the argument you caused, you’ll get to find yourself staying a little longer.” The Sokovian found himself murmuring quietly as he headed to the room that he had picked out for their time here. Setting it on the dresser for now, where it would stay for a few days untouched and basically ignored.
That is until he woke up in a sweat, with a mouth to dry, and screams echoing in his ears with the whispers of his family asking why he wasn’t with them. Why didn't he save them? There was… luck on his side ironically. This wasn’t a night with soulful cries and frightened shouts that had the possibility of waking his two roommates. Though he was pretty sure James would have heard his whimpers. Unless the man finally found enough peace to sleep. Part of him really hoped that might be the case.
The Baron sat up. Running a hand over his face, knowing he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep right away, if at all. Trying to decide if it would be worth it to ether go find the brandy he knew was currently sat in the living room or some tea to try and sooth his nerves he found his eyes falling on the stuffed bear still sat on the dresser… how many times had he found Carl sleeping with his own Iron bear? How it soothed any nightmares his son had quickly just getting to hold it while drifting off?
It was ridiculous that he was even considering it as some sort of option as a possibility to help sooth the ghost that continues to scrape at the back of his thoughts and tumbling easily to interrupt any form of peace he wishes to have.
Tea. He would have tea. The man decided as he got up and silently padded threw the house with experience. Because if James and Sam did find themselves sleeping just fine, he didn’t want to risk waking them unnecessarily. It was lucky the electric kettle only made a soft click sound from the switch showing it turned off.
Returning to his room just as silently he was left to nurse the tea focusing on its warmth as he sat on the bed against the wooden bed frame. And once again… the bear was in view. He ignored it. Trying to occupy his thoughts with useful contemplation on the mission at hand. Possible outcomes with the information currently available, but the haze of the lack of sleep that he finds himself having so regularly it was taking its slow steady toll. Even for his ability to be steps ahead with his strategies, there was a small worry that this haze he was in might lead to mistakes that he could hardly afford with the fact he had two other lives he was looking after even if his care for his own life was very little.
So… the bear seemed worth a shot. What was the harm in trying? when his tea was already starting to cool too much for his liking and it failed in the attempt to fully calm him down.
With a breath leaving him heavily, he moved to set the tea on the side table to get up and grab the bear, gaze lingering over the black eye mask and the red and blue outfit that still was rather comical. And maybe that aspect made it… okay.
Back in bed shortly after, he experimentally held it to his chest. Knees up and staring distantly at the wall… it was. Nice. Not what he was prepared for it to feel like. It was like getting to hold on to something dear without the said people being here to do so. And after laying down, it felt like a blink and it was morning.
It worked. This time at least. There was no guarantee that it would work more, but he counted it in his arsenal to try and combat the inner demons.
Two more days went by without the bear mentioned, but of course it had to be. It wasn’t like it went forgotten that it was to be donated away. And by now the Baron found he could not part with it.
“Hey Zemo.”
Sam addressing him at breakfast was rather common, he has found himself falling into preparing most of the meals that aren’t ordered out. This morning was no different as he set the nicely garnished omelet, bacon, and toast down. Though he personally would mainly just be having the bacon and coffee he made.
“What is it Sam?” The man questioned lightly watching Bucky stab at his eggs.
“I was planning on getting that bear to the donation box today while I go out. Where did you put it anyway?”
The Sokovian almost froze, thoughts racing as he tried to quickly come up with a solution to not have it taken away from him.
“You know that elderly woman, Grace, I believe her name is, commented to me that her granddaughter’s birthday was that day and she forgot to get her anything. I offered the bear and she took it. So it went to a good home already,” he lied with ease, knowing there was no tell to see, no reason for the two to doubt him. And it wasn’t fully a lie. The stuffed animal HAD found a good home. That home just happened to be with him instead of this imaginary little girl he just made up.
“Good. Hopefully she enjoys it.” James grunted. And that was that solved for now. He would be able to keep the small comfort for the time being. And the issue of needing to have the bear gone for the other two was handled.
But of course. Things had to go wrong. Nice things seem to slip like sand through his fingers, especially since the event of Ultron had transpired. There was a small requirement in his rules for his conditional parole, and one of those was the search of his things on occasions. Particularly after then having been out dealing with a lead that turned into part of more. It wasn’t like he was allowed to keep weapons. Though both of his companions knew that he had been behaving. They both had stuck to the rules…
And it was exactly how he ended up weeks later with the door to his room slamming open as James stalked to the living room, “What the hell is this Zemo?”
“What is what James?” He asked looking up and his eyes fell on the other man holding the Bucky bear a little too tightly for Zemo’s liking when he spotted it from the chair he had been sitting at for the dining room table. His stomach sank. He had been caught, in his little harmless lie because a toy had reminded him of Carl, felt similar to the warmth that he got holding his wife even if it wasn’t the exactly feeling, it was enough that it helped quell the nightmares to some extent, of course it didn’t take them away, but it was enough that he was attached. He wasn’t even sure what he should say and he wasn’t sure if he was lucky or not when Sam walked out of his own room to try and figure out what was happening.
“Buck what’s going on— is that another Bucky bear?” The Captain asked with very obvious confusion in his tone.
“It’s the same one. Zemo here lied about giving it away. Now we have to ask what else is he lying about.”
Oh the Baron had to admit he sort of hated it when the two addressed each other about him like he wasn’t right in the room with them. “I haven’t lied about anything else.” It came out dryly, because it was the truth. And with a couple glances from Sam back and forth between the still semi criminal and his partner he spoke with a worried tone.
“How could we trust that right now?”
“I don’t expect you too.” Because why would he? It was obvious that it was easy to fall back to how they treated him before. Despite the ‘process’ he has made. And it honestly made a soft pang in his chest that was easy enough to ignore because it was hard to differentiate from the feeling he gets about his family at random moments throughout the day.
“Well then why lie?” Sam probed gently for information sensing there was something more going on, Zemo could tell he was using his counselor approach on him from a mile off.
“I bet it was to poke fun at me more when it clearly made me uncomfortable.” James said and while he knew at one point it would have been true. He might have used it as a tool to test bounties, he hasn’t been since coming out of the raft. Not to the same extent as before. He felt he knew where he had stood with the other two men. This however felt off from that position. “I’m throwing this away.” Bucky said suddenly starting to walk towards the door because he meant to go to the dumpster,
“James wait.” Zemo try to interject quickly to hopefully in his urgency get across for the other man to wait, but James was angry enough at the idea of this being something with cruel intent, as well as hurt for the fact he had started to care about Zemo, that he took it out on the bear, and the ripping sound felt like it echoed through the room as the Baron went frightening still, and his breath didn’t come to his lungs.
“Bucky what the hell?!” Sam said, turning around not facing Zemo anymore, “At the very least you could have let him explain why he kept it!”
“Like he would have, he’d probably lie about it anyway, we’re going to have to keep a better eye on him from now on.” That anger was still spewing out of James because he felt betrayed…
“Okay that’s a little rash for him keeping a toy!”
“A toy he knew I hated!”
“And you assume it’s to hurt you?”
“It’s not like he hasn’t done it before.”
“Yeah before, but since he’s been out of the raft it hasn’t been like that has it?”
James knew that was right, despite the anger still simmering inside of him, any response he was going to come up with was interrupted by the quietly despondent but clear voice of the Baron.
“…It reminded me of Carl.”
The room stilled, it wasn’t like the name of his son wasn’t unknown to the other two, it just wasn’t common that he mentioned his family, he prefers jabs about the event rather to speak of their memory.
“I knew you would be upset if you found it. That’s why I kept it a secret.” He murmured as he tried to blink the haze that was threatening to over take his vision. He refused to let them see him that weak. Not after this. That trust he thought was there was ripped away. An unsteady breath left the Sokovian. “You do what you feel you must do with the bear James, for your own comfort.”
The Baron found himself standing before he knew he was doing it. His body, on autopilot, because he needed to retreat, “if you’ll excuse me.” It was whispered quickly as he moved to escape the room.
“Zemo wait—“ Sam tried, hand raised, but the man was already down the hallway and closing the door before he could get more words out, the hand dropped and his gaze moved to James who he noticed had a hollow look over his features staring at the bear in his hands. One arm was yanked off, which was… rather ironic considering. “You couldn’t have known.” He said in a gentle tone making the older man gaze flicker up to meet him.
“I didn’t even think… I really just thought…”
“And you acted out without trying to get any facts. It happens.” Sam paused and looked back towards the door he assumed had been locked by now despite it being a rule not to, and in all honesty it wasn’t like he could blame him for that small boundary from how they just crossed the other. “We’ll… likely have to watch him more closely but not for the reason you thought we would be. But we might need to give him some space first.”
James shook his head. “I have to make this up to him.” He said quietly, raising the bear up as proof, “I really screwed this up.”
“Yeah, you did screw up. But we can fix this Buck. It might take some work.”
“I’ll fix the bear…”
“That’s a start.” Sam said, “I’ll go make sure we have his favorite tea and sweets here. He might need them for comfort.”
Meanwhile, Zemo hadn’t actually locked the door like Sam had thought, however what he had done was sit with his back pressed against it, in hopes the pressure would make either one of them pause and maybe even not enter. His thoughts were spiraling and not in a good way. The image of broken toys that he had seen while trying to get through the rubble came to mind. That Iron bear was barely recognizable laying in torn fabric lacking fluff just as lifeless as his family he found not long after. The first moment his hope had started to shift to dread.
His mouth tasted like ash… the dust of the surrounding area, hands aching from trying to help others digging in hopes of finding people they loved. A bitter laugh almost left him. This is what he deserves isn’t it? He wasn’t allowed peace. He’s too much of a coward to take an easy way out that might hurt, even trying to get James to do it for him. His head lightly bopped against the door, the tears he had been holding in started to slip down his cheeks, trying to distract himself with the hideous popcorn ceiling to keep his thoughts from wandering too much with the want to join his family. Not that it was working. His thoughts only seemed to stay there as his chest tightened too much to feel like breathing was accessible and his body was taken over by soft quivers racking threw him at a steady pace until he could find his breath again.
He was actually unsure how long he stayed in that state. Other than it was long enough that Sam came to knock on his door stating that they had gotten dinner. He just knew at that point he couldn’t find his voice to actually answer. And he definitely didn’t come out for it. No. He was sure he passed out against the door and was woken to the nightmare with his crying out for them, for his family as he jerked awake head hitting the door. The most annoyed part about this nightmare was that it wasn't just his family involved but Sam and James as well. The danger of his growing attachment showing all too clearly in the sense of loss he now had.
There was a quiet knock at the door as he tried to get his breathing in control. He knows why it’s there. He knew he screamed. That it was likely Sam who was checking on him. He had heavy doubts James would even think about it. Not with what happened. But he didn’t answer and there was another knock louder than the last.
“Zemo, open the door.” That was… James? But he let it be met with more silence. “Zemo?”
A shaky breath leaves him. “I’m fine James. Leave me be.”
“No Can do. I’m not sure if it woke up Sam but you definitely said his and my name.”
Had he screamed their names as well? He didn’t think he had, he knew that they were in the dream. He knows he calls out his family's names. There were times the guards in the prison had commented on it. Sam and James being with them… of course their names have joined the dead.
“It is of no importance.”
“No importance seriously? That’s what you're going with? Just let me in. Let me apologize, cause what happened earlier was some sort of trigger.”
Silence met the demand for a moment before he shifted and got up before James could continue to pester. Maybe seeing he was alive and well enough would get the man to leave without much more issues, but when the Baron opened the door he was met with the Bucky bear practically shoved in his face. The arm now stitched back on it wasn’t the cleanest, but the very clear attempt was made to try and make it like it was before. And the sudden thought that it was all too similar to James currently, made a strange pang in his heart he could not trace, “James?” He breathed out in confusion, hesitating to actually take the bear from the other man.
“If I had realised it reminded you of your son I wouldn’t have acted so… well…” Bucky trailed off for a brief moment. “Stupid,”
“Given our history it is not surprising that it was the thought that first came to your mind.” Though it hurt, he was hardly surprised by it in the slightest, but the disappointment that came to the other’s blue eyes almost hurt more.
“Yeah but you’ve changed, well, not really but you’ve been different. Annoyingly sassy, with your quips, still helping us like before following your code. But you’ve been more open and relaxed with us that I should have seen that sooner.”
“James…”
“And I am sorry, really sorry that I messed up and tore your bear.”
His bear. Not the name calling he was expecting.
“Don’t get me wrong I still hate it but… it’s important to you.”
“Apology accepted James.”
“Yeah, good. I’ll uh… leave you be now.”
“Carl had an iron man bear.” He found himself blurting out just as James turned but it made him turn back eyes wide with shock at Zemo actually talking about it like this. “He carried it around everywhere. Iron man was his favorite. He loved it more than any of his other toys. He even took it to eat with him when we let him.”
“And it reminded you of the good memories.”
“Yes. I get such rare privileges to actually picture them from… before in something other than trained visage.”
“And me taking it away probably took all that good back?”
“He had it with him… when… I found it in shreds. Before I found their bodies.” He heard James suck in a breath. “The tare reminded me of that.” His fingers brushed over the line of stitching.
“I’m sorry…”
Zemo quickly shook his head, “I have already forgiven you. I just wanted you to know. Since I lied to you specifically for selfish reasons.”
“Not selfish. But hey. If talking helps at all I’m here if you want. Sam would probably be better, but that was the first time you really shared something with us that wasn’t… backhanded comments.” They met each other’s gaze and Zemo found himself searching the other’s face, his head cocking just ever so slightly to the side.
“I am uncertain if I will ever feel like sharing more. But… Thank you, James. If anyone can relate to losing everything, it’s you.”
There was a small stretch of silence, it wasn’t awkward, it was just a small settling of understanding between them that hadn’t been there before. But it was Bucky who broke the silence.
“Want me to make you tea? I’ve heard you get up before when you have nightmares.”
Of course the other heard him, super soldier hearing. “That. Would be nice I think.”
“Come on then.”
And simple as that Zemo followed James to the kitchen, for once he wasn’t alone after a nightmare, and felt some sort of settled that he wouldn’t be able to fully describe if he wished to, no, instead he decided not to think too much on it. And simply enjoy some tea and quiet talk of other things as James clearly wanted to keep him distracted. And he accepted this for what it was. Maybe he would let it happen again. But his bear was left alone from now on. Even made sure of, by Sam and James, that it ended up coming with, if they had to move and they had notice about doing so. And if he kept thinking about James while looking at the bear, comparing the ‘scar’ to the man’s arm, and the fondness he knew he had for the other man, that was for him to know for now, and perhaps he would tell James one day.