Chapter Text
It had been a little over a week since anyone had seen her outside of her room. She didn’t have any ingredients left in her own personal kitchen so she hadn’t cooked either. She mostly sat up there switching between reading, staring out the window, and crying from the information she had gotten a week ago.
She woke up feeling different today. Not good, not even really better but she felt like she could cook. Cooking sometimes made her feel better. It got her mind going. Getting lost in a recipe was sometimes what her brain needed. It helped to soothe the ache. At this point it wouldn’t soothe the cut on her cheek but it would help to dull the ache in her chest by distracting her for a little while. She didn’t really want to come out of her room. She wanted to stay up there just so she could be left alone for a little while. She still needed some space. She’d seen no one but her daughters all week. They’d been sweet enough to check on her and bring her food whenever they ate. She’d seen Dolores once or twice, both of them sharing a gentle glance. She’d whispered an apology to her about what she must’ve heard. Dolores had given her a tight hug before running off. A whispered promise that she still loved and cared for her before she left. She didn’t want to be seen or perceived but she had to be even if just for a little while. She decided to go downstairs, grab some ingredients and then go right back up to her kitchen. Maybe she’d turn the radio on just to fill the room with a little more than the sizzling of food and the measurements she’d whisper to herself. She needed that. A little food therapy wouldn’t fix things but it would help her through the rest of the day.
Slowly but surely she worked up the nerve to go to the kitchen. She didn’t have anything in mind to cook. She just knew whatever she grabbed would probably work together. If everything she usually bought was in the house then she could make it work. Worst case scenario she would come up with something completely new.
She listened first. It was still fairly early in the morning, just hours after breakfast so most of the family should either be out of the house or migrating away from the kitchen. She didn’t hear much as she walked in. She passed through the entrance and held back the little sigh as she saw Pepa standing at the counter waiting for her coffee to finish brewing.
She took in a breath, hoping they could just ignore each other. Julieta wasn’t going to say anything and she hoped her sister would take the hint and do the same.
But of course, Pepa spoke to her. Why wouldn’t she? It seemed to be out of concern considering the last time she saw her there was blood dripping from her cheek. Now it was healing the natural way, not the magical way and was still the faintest shade of purple around the edges.
“You haven’t healed that yet?”
Way to state the obvious Pepa. “You haven’t stopped raining yet?” She breathed out.
“So you’re not done being a bitch yet, either then.” Pepa rolled her eyes, glancing at the coffee maker and hoping it would brew faster.
Julieta was wishing the same thing. She made her way to the fridge to scan it for ingredients. “Are you done fucking my husband?”
“Considering it’s been over thirty years… Yeah, I am. You really have that little faith in either of us?”
“Maybe not him but a…” She trailed off. Using that word had only resulted in the scar forming against her cheek.
“Go ahead. Say it. I promise I can hit ten times harder than Mamá if you wanna find out.”
“So do it then. What’s stopping you?” She shrugged, stepping further into the fridge. She didn’t have anything left to lose. She didn’t want to find out, but she was sure that if Pepa was going to do anything she already would’ve. She hated acting this way with her sister. Pepa was known for having an attitude like this and there were times where she just really pulled it out of her too. She didn’t want to fight. She wanted a resolution and one that didn’t have to hurt so bad.
“I wouldn’t intentionally hurt you.” Pepa said.
“Oh but if it’s an accident it’s okay.” She scoffed. “I didn’t know you could have sex with someone’s husband on accident. What, did he trip and it just happened to fall into your mouth as you were on your knees praying?”
Pepa slammed her hand against the counter and thunder rolled, causing Julieta to flinch as she neared her. Pepa cornered her, trapping her between the shelves of the fridge and its open door. She stepped closer. Julieta flinched again just from the simple move.
“Just say it. You’re thinking it. Say it. Call me a whore again.”
Julieta didn’t want to fight with her like this again. It just wasn’t worth it. She was hurting and so was Pepa. It was clear that they were both lashing out. She didn’t expect Pepa to do more than argue with her. She wasn’t in the mood to get hurt even further, especially with the fire burning behind Pepa’s eyes. History had shown her that this moment right here was going to be her last one before Pepa shouted something painful at her. She figured she only needed the ingredients in her hands. She could figure out the rest. Maybe she’d try the pantry too before heading upstairs. She brushed past her sister, heading for the pantry door.
“That’s it? You’re done arguing with me?” Pepa said, thunder rumbling louder above them. Her cloud flashed with lightning that was threatening to reach out and grab Julieta right there.
“What is it with you? You’ve done enough. Grow up, Pepa. Not everyone has to yell to fix things.”
“I’m not yelling.”
Julieta kept her back to her as she reached the pantry. “No, you’re just trying to pick a fight so you can have an excuse to say something angry, and hateful, and hurtful like you’ve always done.”
“I say the truth. If people can’t handle that, that’s on them.”
“The whole ‘telling the truth’ as an excuse to be a bitch stopped being clever when you were a teenager. Like I said, grow up and start acting like an adult.”
“You mean like hiding in my room all week because Mami is mad at me?”
That one hurt. That one stung. It had taken everything in her to just get out of bed all week. Getting out of her room was a completely different thing. Pepa of all people should have understood how crippling emotions could be, especially those that come with trauma.
“You saw what she did.”
“Because of what you said. Actions have consequences.” She shrugged. She was so smug about it too. She genuinely believed she was in the right here.
“Yes they do, Pepa. So just stay out of my way. Preferably for the rest of my life.” She just wanted to be left alone. She didn’t want to be alone but she wanted to be left alone. She wanted to be free of her sister’s taunts. She wanted anything but this.
Pepa was hurt by that. It felt the same as being told that they would’ve been better off without her. She furrowed her brows, the raindrops that started to drip from her cloud stopped and she instead made it thunder. “You’re so dramatic. Do you know how many times you’ve said that? You’d fall apart without me just like you’re falling apart without Agustin.” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She’d stayed for Julieta. She’d stayed for her and for Bruno. She’d stuck up for her so many times. She gave up her first love for her. She’d sacrificed and now she was getting this? Maybe she should’ve left. Maybe Julieta would’ve been better off without her.
“Yes, whatever would I do without having to spend extra time drying my clothes because you had a bad day? Or maybe we should ask Felix what that’s like, to be rained on constantly and have to pretend it doesn’t bother him just so you don’t get upset?” Julieta knew that was low. Even without the clash of lightning and roll of thunder she knew it. She knew it was low but she’d said it anyway because she was hurting and her sister was only poking the wound.
If Julieta wanted to strike that low she’d take it even further. Since apparently husbands were the topic, why should Agustin be left out of the discussion? “At least my husband is still here in the house. Yours left, you aren't even a wife worth fighting for. Then again if you killed my baby, I don't think I'd fight to stay with you either.”
That one was so much lower than Julieta thought her sister would go. That one had been one of her biggest fears when she made her choice. Agustin had assured her for years that he was never upset with her choice. Yes, they’d both grieved about it but he’d promised that having an abortion wasn’t going to be a deal breaker for him. Not after the vision and especially because he loved her. He loved her and he wouldn’t leave her. He promised. Then again, he wasn’t there now. He’d lied to her. Who’s to say he hadn’t lied about that too. She took in a deep breath, willing herself not to cry. Pepa didn’t deserve the satisfaction of her tears. She cleared her throat to get rid of the sob that was threatening to escape. She just needed to hold it in until she made it to her room.
“Hm... I suppose you're right. I'd rather be alone than with a man that never loved me. You're lucky you don't have to feel that way.”
With that, she left. Leaving her ingredients on the counter and rushing upstairs. She could hardly see through the tears that welled in her eyes. She didn’t need to cook today. Fuck it, she’d try again next week.
“I did not raise you like this.” Pepa turned and saw Alma in the doorway. “I didn’t raise you to be cruel.”
“ I’m being cruel? Did you not hear what she said about Felix?”
“Yes I did and yes you are,” Alma said sharply as she walked into the kitchen, ignoring the thundering cloud above her. “You don’t get to tell your sister she’s not worth fighting for just because she said your husband doesn’t like to sleep in a wet bed, you don’t get to say the awful things you said to her that night just because you think you’re entitled to lash out at anyone you want.”
“She called me a whore! Did you forget that? She called me a whore because I fell in love when I was nineteen and she hates that for once I got to have something she wanted!”
“And she was wrong to do that but you lied to her about it for thirty years , Pepa. Her husband, the father of her children, and you lied.”
“He fathered one of my children too.” Rain began to fall hard and cold. “I know everyone loves to forget that, but it happened.”
“Oh trust me, no one is forgetting that because you won’t let them. You won’t let her.”
Pepa took a step towards her. “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means that I cannot imagine the pain you went through when you lost your children, and I would not wish what you went through on my worst enemy, but other people's pain is just as valid.”
“Not hers! She’s a baby murderer, and you’re telling me it’s comparable to that—”
Pepa quickly shut her mouth when Alma raised a hand with a furious fire in her eyes. The same she saw the other night. “If you ever, ” Alma spoke, her words shaking just as much as her hands, and Pepa glared at her, thunder and lightning rolling. “And I mean if you ever call your sister that word again, so help me God Pepa, you will not like what happens next.”
“Try it,” Pepa urged her, both their eyes boring into the other. “Try it, Alma. I won’t just sit back in stunned silence like Julieta. Raise a hand to me, and you won’t like what happens next.”
Pepa expected hate. She hoped for rage or fear. Instead Alma’s eyes just softened and she shook her head. “I understand you’re hurting. I know why you’re acting like this, but your pain is not the only pain that’s valid. Your gift is not the only one causing you problems, you’re not the only one worthy of feeling any emotions.”
“How can I feel like I’m the only one worthy of any emotions when you never let me feel any of them?” Pepa growled, lightning striking around her.
“I always let you do everything, Pepa.” She laughed humorlessly and threw her hands up. “Maybe this really is all my fault, maybe I shouldn’t have spoiled—“
“ Spoiled?!”
“Yes, spoiled. Maybe if I hadn’t spoiled you then you wouldn’t act like this.” She was filled to the brim with hurt and regret. She was finally starting to understand exactly what Dolores and Isabela said about Vera. Alma was absolutely in the wrong but she hadn’t done this all on her own. Vera heavily contributed to the way Pepa acted towards her and Julieta.
“You never spoiled me!” Pepa yelled. “You were so busy fawning over perfect Julieta you didn’t have time for me, ever!”
“I always made time for you, Pepa! I knew how much you struggled with your gift, I knew how much you struggled being here! I was there every single time. I hurt when you hurt. I cried when you sobbed. I held you when you were scared. Your sister didn’t come to me for much and even when she did I didn’t give her everything that she needed. I don’t regret being there for you, Pepa, but my biggest regret is casting your sister aside. I don’t know why you think you can speak to her that way. I don’t know why she never told me about it but I know this. It ends now. It ends today and if you think that girl deserves anything but love and comfort then you’re dead wrong. I did not raise you this way, Pepa. I can’t even recognize you right now. This is not who I raised you to be.”
“You didn’t even raise me! You weren’t there! You were too worried about Julieta! You didn’t give a fuck about me! Tia Vera was right!”
“Excuse me? If you think for one second that I didn’t care about you equally—“
“You didn’t! Tia Vera told me you didn’t! You’re just like your mother. She told me what you were like and she was right!”
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe Vera was right too. I was a terrible mother to you, Pepa. I didn’t care for you. I didn’t love you unconditionally. I didn’t fight for you. I didn’t put you over your sister every single time because I knew you needed extra help. I didn’t hold you to keep you warm when you were scared and snowing. I didn’t push your sister away so that I could focus on you. I didn’t stay up with you by the fire so your colds wouldn’t make you freeze to death. I wasn’t there for you. I didn’t wrongfully slap your sister and drive her away because she said an unspeakable thing to you.”
Pepa was seething, breathing hard as she listened to every single word. She couldn’t believe this. Her mother was mocking her, trying to guilt her for all the times she’d failed her. “You always chose Julieta over me.”
“No, Pepa. I didn’t. You went through a lot when you were growing up and I know that’s why you don’t remember it but Julieta was always cast aside. She was always given just enough to get her by while I gave my all to you. I would never ever pick one of you over the other but I fell short in making you all feel equally as loved and cared for. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but your sister is hanging on by a thread. She has no one right now. Everyone has either left or hurt her. You don’t get to use that against her and make her believe she deserves to be hurt. You don’t get to act like Vera did towards her. Not anymore.” Alma stepped aside so she could follow after Julieta.
“Of course you’re going after her again. Of course you think she needs you and that I don’t.”
Alma reached up and cupped Pepa’s face, ignoring the sharp glower and the flash of lightning. “Oh, Mjia. I know you need me, and so does she. Right now, you have everything you need and she has absolutely nothing just like she always has.” She left the room, going upstairs to knock on Julieta’s door.