Work Text:
February, 2019.
It was Hyunjin's first day. University looked terrifying and it already felt like he had aged 10 years walking to his classroom and looking at his seniors' faces. He knew he would look like that or worse in a few months, maybe.
He sat at the back, taking in the full view of the whole classroom, observing his surroundings, his new classmates’ faces. He knew he shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but he couldn’t help it. He had made up his mind about who he wanted to work with in group projects and who he should avoid. There were a few empty seats but he didn’t care, he could opt them out.
He let his thoughts wander until he saw perfectly styled brown hair, shining with the sunlight. The owner of that beautiful hair glanced in Hyunjin’s direction. Hyunjin gasped, his cheeks suddenly feeling hot, his ears probably red by now. He averted his gaze, subconsciously reprimanding himself for doing so.
The boy walked as he looked in Hyunjin’s direction repeatedly. Hyunjin felt his body getting hot, why did he feel embarrassed when he did nothing? He just looked at him for five seconds. The boy walked until he stopped one row before Hyunjin’s, taking the empty seat in front of him.
The boy was looking at the empty seat, not at Hyunjin.
His teacher greets them loudly, starting the lesson right away.
After class Hyunjin called out to the boy in front of him, “Hey.”
He turned around, deep brown eyes staring into Hyunjin’s. “Can I help you?”
“Do you want to exchange numbers or something? It sounds like there’ll be a lot of homework in this class and it might be nice to work on it together.”
“Sure,” The boy rattled off his number and Hyunjin struggled to input all of the digits in time. “My name's Seungmin by the way.”
“Hyunjin.”
And with that Seungmin was walking away without another word, disappearing into the crowd of people in the hallway.
Hyunjin didn’t see Seungmin again until two days later when they had class again and Seungmin sat in the same seat in front of Hyunjin. They didn’t say anything to each other, Seungmin seemed to be unbothered by everyone around him, and Hyunjin was too nervous to approach Seungmin again. As far as he was concerned, the ball was now in Seungmin’s court.
The opportunity arose a couple weeks later when their professor announced a partner project due the following week.
After class was over, Seungmin turned around in his seat to look at Hyunjin. “Do you want to be partners for the project?”
“Sure,” Hyunjin replied, trying to stay calm even though his heart was beating a mile a minute.
“Sounds good, are you free tomorrow at 4 to meet in the library?”
“Yeah, that sounds good.”
“Cool.” Seungmin slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked out of the classroom, while Hyunjin just sat there stunned. He couldn’t believe that he was going to be partners with his crush! He was going to have to actually read the textbook for once so that he could impress Seungmin with his knowledge.
Seungmin didn’t seem like the type to tolerate a useless partner and Hyunjin was determined to be anything but that. He had to make a good impression so that they could continue to be partners and maybe even hang out outside of class.
Hyunjin entered the library at 4 pm sharp and sent a quick snap to Seungmin asking if he was at the library yet.
Seungmin replied with a short ‘second floor’.
Hyunjin climbed the stairs and quickly spotted Seungmin sitting at a table, laptop already out.
“Ready to crush this project?” Hyunjin asked as he sat down, slinging his bag onto the floor.
“Sure,” Seungmin replied. “So, I was thinking we could talk about how the author uses figurative language such as metaphors to get her message across in this poem.”
“And that the ABBA ABBA CDC DCD rhyme scheme is reminiscent of a sonnet, but his author reverts this style with the juxtaposition of the syllables, since they don’t follow the normal pattern that a sonnet would?”
“You know, Hyunjin, I think this partnership will work out well.”
Hyunjin thought his face was going to split in half with how hard he was smiling from Seungmin’s compliment.
After two hours their powerpoint was almost completely done and Hyunjin was confident that they were going to get a good grade.
“You know,” Seungmin said as he was getting up to leave, “My roommates and I are throwing a party on Friday, you’re welcome to come if you want.”
“Sure, sounds fun!”
“Cool, I’ll text you the address,” Seungmin held up his phone. “See you later.”
“See you later.” Hyunjin echoed. He hoped he played that cool, because Hyunjin felt as if he was going to explode. Seungmin wanted to hang out with him? He invited Hyunjin to a party? This was better than Hyunjin had hoped. Now, he just had to figure out what he was going to wear to the party on Friday.
“Jisung guess what happened?” Hyunjin said, bursting back into his dorm room.
“What?” his roommate, Jisung, asked, not even looking up from his computer screen. Hyunjin wasn’t too bothered, he was used to Jisung’ antics by now and his roommate put video games above all else. Hyunjin should count himself lucky that Jisung was talking to him while so deep into a game.
“So do you remember that guy I was telling you about? Seungmin?”
“Yeah, the one you have a crush on?”
“Yes, but anyways, I met with him today to work on our project, yeah? And he invited me to a party this weekend!”
“Really?” Jisung glanced up at Hyunjin. “That’s amazing!”
“Yeah! So now it’s time for you to find someone to go out with.”
“Nah, I’m good. I have video games to play.”
“But Jisung, we could go on double dates.”
“So, that sounds great for you, but I have some dumbasses on my team to yell at.”
Jisung switched his mic on to yell at his team and Hyunjin knew their conversation was over. It was okay though, he was going to get Jisung to actually interact with real people one day.
Friday came both faster and slower than Hyunjin wanted. He was now standing in front of his closet, deciding on what to wear, wondering how the past couple of days felt like they dragged on, but also flew by.
Jisung was sitting on Hyunjin’s bed, surveying the outfits Hyunjin was picking out.
“You can’t dress up too much because no one dresses up for college parties.”
“Because you’ve been to so many parties and know this?”
“Nah, one of my friends told me that.”
“A real friend, or an online friend?”
Jisung flopped backwards, “If you don’t want my help I can go back to League.”
“You’re such a virgin.”
Jisung sat back up, “Anyways, have fun picking out your outfit by yourself.”
“No,” Hyunjin turned around, “I’m sorry Jisung, please stay, I need help.”
“Fine.” Jisung sat back down. “I think you should wear jeans and then you can go a little bit more adventurous with the top.”
“Jeans? But he has to know I’m gay.”
“Hyunjin, literally everyone who has ever seen you knows that you’re gay, I don’t think that’s what you should be worrying about.”
Hyunjin eventually ended up taking Jisung’s advice and settled for a pair of dark ripped jeans and a slightly cropped top that showed off a flash of his stomach when he lifted up his arms.
Everyone within a 2 kilometer radius could tell there was a party. Hyunjin felt nervous, he wanted to impress Seungmin, he wanted to become closer with him at the party, and a soon drunk Hyunjin wouldn't make that happen in one day. But hey, who knows?
Hyunjin didn't need to look for Seungmin because he was right in front of him as he entered the house. A full black outfit. Leather black pants with boots and a black vest, his arms showing even with a jacket. He sure was a sucker for chokers, but the one Seungmin wore is truly driving him crazy.
"Hey! You made it." Seungmin came closer to him, giving Hyunjin a smile that made his stomach jump.
"Yeah, it wasn't that hard to find the place."
"Come on, let's get you a drink, you're too sober to be at a party." Seungmin takes his arms, grinning.
In less than two hours, Hyunjin could feel the alcohol in his system. He wasn't drunk, but he felt a bit dizzy, still aware of everyone in the house and the presence of Seungmin by his side.
Since Hyunjin got to the party, Seungmin never left his side. He was glad, he didn't know almost anyone —except Seungmin and his friends— yet he did his best to socialize.
But the alcohol in him was talking now and he needed to dance, so he did that. He drank what was left in his cup, feeling his throat burning from the vodka. He's sure he'll have the worst hangover from mixing vodka and tequila, but he's a good drinker. Or he thought so.
His feet automatically went to the center, dancing his soul away. He lost Seungmin while he went for another drink, but he didn't care right now. He just let himself dance to the songs playing, the movement of hips and the glimpse of skin from his crop top left nothing to imagination.
Seungmin's imagination.
The moment he came back from the kitchen he saw Hyunjin going to the center of the living room. Too late to stop him, but something inside him twisted the moment he saw him dancing.
It's been a month since they met, yet he couldn't figure out why Hyunjin couldn't leave his head. He never felt like that before, at first was just a pretty face in his class, but since the project they worked on together he was captivated by his efforts and his personality.
And the scene before his eyes is mesmerizing. Hyunjin being himself with the music, the way he moves and his facial expressions. He needed to do something with this feeling, right now.
He made his way until he was face-to-face with Hyunjin. Both cracking a smile. Hyunjin started to dance again, this time dancing for Seungmin. Their faces were so close that a mere shove from the people passing by could bring their lips together.
Before Seungmin could think anything else, Hyunjin's lips were brushing against his, he could smell the alcohol radiating from his body.
"I'm sober enough to know what I'm doing," Hyunjin's eyes were on his lips as he spoke, "and I know that I want this." Hyunjin gulped and their eyes met. "Do you?"
"How wouldn’t I?" Seungmin says before closing the distance between them.
After that night, they made their own history
One year later
Hyunjin stood in front of the mirror, checking to make sure that his hair was styled perfectly for the millionth time. It was his year anniversary with Seungmin and for some reason that meant that Hyunjin was as nervous as he was when they first met.
Hyunjin twisted in the mirror to make sure that his top was tucked in the way he wanted it. It was. It hadn’t changed from the last time Hyunjin had checked.
Seungmin was going to pick him up in five minutes and then they would head to a fancy restaurant to have dinner. Their reservations had been made a month in advance and Hyunjin had run through their plans for the night at least a hundred times. Dinner, then head back to Seungmin’s place for dessert. It was simple, easy. There was no need to be this anxious.
In the past year, Seungmin had seen Hyunjin at both his highs and his lows. He had seen Hyunjin’s numerous breakdowns over class, seen him sob into his pillow for over an hour when he failed a math test, seen him stress out over finals, refuse to sleep or eat until his studying was done. But he had also seen Hyunjin celebrating when he passed all of his classes, seen Hyunjin in his element when he was painting or drawing.
And Hyunjin had seen all of Seungmin’s breakdowns, been shut off when things got too overwhelming, seen him self-soothe with weed and alcohol when things got rough. But despite the ups and downs, they were still together, still as in love as ever.
So why was Hyunjin so nervous about this date? His hands were shaking as he picked up his phone, a message from Seungmin lighting up the screen. ‘I’m here’.
Hyunjin looked at his reflection in the mirror and took a big, calming breath. Everything was going to be okay. And with that Hyunjin put on his shoes and headed downstairs to where Seungmin was waiting in the car.
“Hey babe, you look gorgeous,” Seungmin said as Hyunjin opened the passenger door and slid in. And with those words, all of the tension melted out of Hyunjin’s body.
“Thanks honey, so do you.” Hyunjin wasn’t lying, Seungmin was wearing a button down with a tie and the black slacks that Hyunjin knew made his ass look amazing.
The drive to the restaurant, Seungmin had one hand on the steering wheel and his other holding Hyunjin’s like the lovesick couple they were.
At the restaurant they sat across from each other, and Hyunjin was too busy staring into Seungmin’s eyes to focus on the delicious food. Why had he ever been nervous? The night was going spetectualry.
After dinner, they drove back to Seungmin’s place, still holding hands. Once they were inside Seungmin’s apartment, Seunmgin instructed Hyunjin to sit on the couch and disappeared into the kitchen only to reappear a couple of minutes later with a bottle of champagne and two glasses.
“To a year with a person who means more to me than anyone else,” Seungmin toasted as he filled up Hyunjin’s glass.
“To a year with the person I love,” Hyunjin echoed, toasting with Seungmin before taking a sip of the bubbly liquid.
Seungmin smiled at Hyunjin’s words and leaned his head against Hyunjin’s shoulder. Hyunijn wrapped his arm around Seungmin and they sat like that, sipping their champagne and reveling in the moment.
Hyunjin felt as if his body was so full of love and happiness that he was going to burst. He fondly gazed down at Seungmin, marveling at the fact that he could feel this way, could feel so much love and fondness for someone else.
An hour later, the bottle of champagne was finished and Hyunjin and Seungmin were cuddling on the couch, a tangle of limbs, watching a movie. “I love you,” Hyunjin muttered in Seungmin’s hair.
“I love you too,” Seungmin responded.
Hyunjin’s heart leaped. It was the first time Seungmin had said ‘I love you’. It didn’t matter that they were both a little drunk on champagne and Seungmin had been hitting his pen all night, Seungmin had still said those three words for the first time.
Hyunjin relaxed back into the couch, it had been a perfect anniversary.
3 ½ years later
Summer was blossoming and Hyunjin had planned a trip to the beach for him and Seungmin. In his words it was a ‘quick, romantic getaway’. But as the date got closer, Seungmin found himself wanting to go less and less.
He had been spending every day with Hyunjin recently, after work they would always head over to one of their apartments and spend all night together before waking up in the morning again to go to work. They didn’t officially live together yet, but it sure seemed like it with how often they were sleeping over at each other’s places.
Seungmin just needed some space, was that such a bad thing? He had brought up the topic to Hyunjin the other night and Hyunjin had looked a little hurt, but agreed that he would stop coming over as often as to give Seungmin the space he needed.
Hyunjin still texted Seungmin every day, though. Texts saying good morning, talking about his day, what drama occurred at work. Seungmin would respond, but usually only with one or two word answers. Hyunjin didn’t say anything, though and his texts never lost their lengthiness or frequency.
Seungmin felt a little bad, but then again, he simply just needed his space and Hyunjin knew that and respected it. It didn’t matter if Chan or Changbin told him he was being a bit of an asshole to Hyunjin. This wasn’t Chan or Changbin’s relationship and Seungmin knew Hyunjin better than either of them.
A week later, Seungmin was back over at Hyunjin’s apartment, running his hands through Hyunjin’s hair as he slept. It was the morning that they were supposed to leave on their trip to the beach and Seungmin had decided to spend the night at Hyunjin’s place, surprising his boyfriend by showing up. Hyunjin had been ecstatic to see Seungmin, saying that he hoped that Seungmin was feeling better after having a little bit of space.
The thing was, Seungmin loved Hyunjin. He really did. He had never felt this way towards someone before, had never been in a relationship this long. Hell, they had been dating 3 ½ years, they were now done with college and had entered the workforce.
But part of Seungmin knew that Hyunjin loved Seungmin more than Seungmin loved Hyunjin. In the 3 ½ years they had been together, Hyunjin had been nothing short of perfect. He planned most of their dates, texted Seungmin every day, made sure Seungmin had enough food in his apartment and was taking care of himself.
In comparison, Seungmin was an awful boyfriend, hardly ever texting first, being distant, not supporting Hyunjin as much as he could.
If it only up to Hyunjin, they would have been engaged by now. But Hyunjin knew that Seungmin wasn’t ready, so he never popped the question. Hyunjin had always said that it didn’t matter if they got married as long as Seungmin was happy.
Seungmin really didn’t deserve Hyunjin. Which made what he was about to do so much worse. His coworkers had invited him to a work party, they were going to get drunk and high and hit up a bunch of bars downtown, but the night they were planning it was the same night Hyunjin had planned their trip to the beach.
Seungmin loved Hyunjin, but he knew a romantic getaway with him wouldn’t be nearly as fun as a night out with his coworkers. Hyunjin was fun, but he wasn’t a get faded and bar hop kind of fun.
Hyunjin started to stir. “Hey sleeping beauty,” Seungmin cooed. “How did you sleep?”
Hyunjin smiled and sleepily buried his head in Seungmin’s chest. “Good.”
“That’s good, but I’m afraid I have some bad news about the trip we were supposed to take today.”
“Hmm?” Hyunjin was suddenly sitting up and looking at Seungmin. “What happened?”
“One of my coworkers got into a car crash and is in the hospital and I need to cover his shift today, so I can’t go anymore.”
“Oh no! Is he going to be okay?”
“Yeah, he’s expected to make a full recovery, but since Soojin is on maternity leave, I’m the only one who can cover his shift today.”
“That really sucks.”
“Yeah, it does. I was really looking forward to going to the beach with you.” Seungmin ran a comforting hand through Hyunjin’s hair. “But I think you should still go since you have the reservations and everything. It can be a nice getaway for one.”
“I guess,” Hyunjin grumbled. “I was really looking forward to going with you though.”
“It’s okay, there’s always next time.”
Hyunjin sighed and Seungmin felt guilty, but not guilty enough to call off the party with his coworkers and go to the beach with Hyunjin. It was fine, Seungmin just wanted to have fun with people other than his boyfriend. There was nothing wrong with that, right?
4 ½ years later
Seungmin’s day had gone from bad to worse, he woke up late and didn’t have breakfast and then had to run and take the bus almost an hour after he had woken up. He had thought he had some gas left, but when he tried to start the car,he couldn’t. Seungmin saw the gauge at its lowest and went running to the bus stop.
He hadn’t been at his best for a few months now. Work had gotten him more stressed than ever, working overtime because of the new so-called manager. His boss has given all of his work to Seungmin, according to him the new manager wasn’t trained to do that kind of work yet.
Seungmin sighed, he had just arrived home. It’s been a month now since Hyunjin and him decided to live together. They looked for a bigger house since they both had their own stuff and neither of their old apartments were big enough. Hyunjin owned most of the things in their home, but everything was organized.
Moving in together made Hyunjin so happy that Seungmin thought he would be as happy as him. Don’t take him wrong, he was happy, but he didn’t feel the same happiness as Hyunjin. They were sorting things out, some habits needed to change, but overall everything was fine. The only habit that Seungmin hadn’t changed was drinking and smoking some joints after work. Hyunjin wasn’t ok with that, but every time he tried to talk about it Seungmin would get mad at him and they would end up fighting. Sometimes it ended with Hyunjin crying in the bedroom and Seungmin leaving for two days.
Seungmin sat on the floor and started making his joint. He always did that, smoking while Hyunjin wasn’t in the house, he had promised he would stop smoking, though. When he finished he lit it up and took a sip from his beer. The fridge was always filled with beer since Seungmin couldn’t sleep well after some drinking.
5 minutes later when he heard keys at the door, he was halfway through making his joint and all his things were on the table. He quickly tried to hide everything but it was too late, Hyunjin was already inside. A bag hanging on his left hand and his smile swapped away the moment he saw Seungmin.
“I thought we talked about this.” Hyunjin murmured.
“I know, darling. But today was really stressful and I wanted something to relax before going to bed.” Seungmin stood up, reaching for Hyunjin, trying to reassure him.
“But you promised.” his voice cracked at the end, watery eyes looking straight at him.
“I promise you, this is really the last time.” Seungmin pressed Hyunjin close to him. “Promise.”
Seungmin kissed the top of his head. He could feel Hyunjin’s tears on his neck and ran a hand through his blond hair, telling him that everything would be fine.
Really, Seungmin should’ve felt bad for lying to Hyunjin, but he didn’t. At least not enough to break his habits.
A week later, Hyunjin found Seungmin doing it again. This time Hyunjin felt really hurt, he reminded Seungmin of his promise, but Seungmin got mad. They fought and Seungmin lost control for a moment, alcohol running in his veins, and he threw his beer bottle, startling Hyunjin, who could only gasp and back up a few steps.
Hyunjin’s face changed, all his body screamed fear and shock. Seungmin tried to approach him but Hyunjin ran and locked himself in the bathroom, trembling, looking for something to help him feel safe.
Seungmin hit the wall hard enough to hurt his knuckles. He didn’t want to scare Hyunjin, but alcohol took over his body, his emotions, and in the end he couldn’t stop himself. His mind still foggy, took his phone and left to go and get wasted at the bar near Changbin's house.
But before he lost consciousness, he sent Hyunjin a text;
M really sorry
----------------------
Hyunjin sat in the bathroom, back against the door, the cool tile pressing against his legs.
He was shaking. Entire body trembling. It was hard to breathe. The air felt thinner than usual. No matter how Hyunjin gasped, he couldn’t seem to fill his lungs.
Seungmin had thrown a bottle at him. It had shattered on the floor, inches from Hyunjin’s legs. The glass had shattered on impact, cutting into Hyunjin’s legs. There were only a few cuts and they weren’t that deep, blood running sluggishly down Hyunjin’s legs. But Hyunjin was still in shock. Seungmin had thrown a bottle at him.
Seungmin had gotten mad before, had yelled at Hyunjin, screamed at him, threatened to leave, but he had never been physically violent.
The look of pure rage on Seungmin’s face as he threw the bottle flashed through Hyunjin’s mind. Right afterwards, Seungmin had looked terrified, scared of himself and what he had just done, but that rage had been real. For just a second Seungmin had turned into a monster.
It terrified Hyunjin. If Seungmin had done it once, who was to say he wouldn’t do it again?
Him and Seungmin didn’t have the best relationship these days, but that was okay, all couples went through rough patches. They still loved each other and were willing to work through their problems and that was all that mattered.
But lately, Seungmin had been different. Worse than usual. He was drinking more, smoking more–even though he knew that Hyunjin hated it. Hyunjin hated the smell of weed, hated the way it made Seungmin act, so they agreed that Seungmin wouldn’t smoke in the house when they first moved in together.
Seungmin was never good at keeping promises.
When Hyunjin had come home to see Seungmin smoking a joint, he had felt his heart crack. He had reminded Seungmin of his promise for the upteenth time, but Seungmin had gotten mad and they had started arguing. That’s when Seungmin took the bottle in his hand and chucked it at Hyunjin’s feet screaming about how he just needed to relax and that Hyunjin was making it impossible for him.
Hyunjin had stopped hearing anything Seungmin had to say after that. The bottle shattered at his feet, there was the sharp sting of glass cutting into his leg, and Hyunjin’s brain had just stopped.
Before he knew it, Hyunjin was in the bathroom, huddled against the locked door, shaking. He just had a bad day. It’s not like Seungmin to do something like that. Hyunjin tried to reason with himself. Seungmin will be feeling better soon, Hyunjin just had to give him some time.
When Hyunjin finally left the bathroom, it was late. Seungmin was nowhere to be found and Hyunjin couldn’t even bring himself to be upset. Hyunjin just changed into his pajamas and collapsed onto the bed that he normally shared with Seungmin.
The next morning, when Hyunjin checked his phone, he saw the text from Seungmin. He didn’t reply.
Later that day, when Hyunjin came home from work, there was a vase of flowers on the counter and Seungmin sitting at the table with food he had ordered for dinner. “I’m really sorry Hyunjin, let me make it up to you.”
Hyunjin didn’t catch Seungmin smoking for the next month and he even cut back on his drinking. It was almost enough to make Hyunjin forget that night had ever happened.
5 years later
Seungmin was distant. Hyunjin thought it was because of the change of season, Seungmin was always in a bad mood in spring, but something was off. Seungmin was friendly with his friends and Hyunjin’s friends too, but he was cold towards Hyunjin.
Their relationship was good —or Hyunjin thought so. They still took walks or ate dinner at Hyunjin’s favorite restaurant, but conversation didn’t seem to flow. Seungmin didn’t look interested in whatever Hyunjin was talking about and sometimes he cut him off.
Nevertheless, Hyunjin loves Seungmin. Hyunjin still looked forward to spending every day with Seungmin, waiting for him until he came home from work.
"Babe, we should go there, it seems peaceful and people say the weather is nice." Hyunjin showed him a picture on his phone "This cabin looks cozy. We have this weekend free, we should go there, don't you think?"
"Oh, yeah, I'd love to, but I don't think I could go, Hyunjin. I wanted to rest this weekend, but you should go with your friends, don't worry about me." Seungmin didn't look him in the eyes, he answered without hesitation.
Hyunjin hums, his heart aches every time Seungmin says no to whatever suggestion he gives. But he knew Seungmin's work is heavier than his, so he just simply nodded.
———
The sound of the door being closed let Hyunjin know Seungmin was home. He smiled, today Seungmin would be home early and Hyunjin thought about watching some movies while cuddling up.
He squinted at the clock before heading to the living room. His mind already chose Seungmin's favorite movies. His eyes searched for his lover, but he found more than one in his kitchen.
"Oh, Hyunjin." Changbin said, glancing at Seungmin's back.
"Hey, Changbin. What’s up?"
"Uh, we're here to pick up some beers, we were going to have a drink at my place, wanna go?"
Hyunjin's heart sank, his body felt heavy.
"Hyunjin, hey, everything alright?" Chan asked, looking truly concerned.
"No, yeah, everything's good. Have fun." He didn't want to interrupt their plans, he knew Seungmin would rather be with his friends than look at a screen when he spends the whole day looking at a computer screen.
The two headed to the door, leaving Seungmin and Hyunjin behind.
"Please, keep your promise." Hyunjin begged.
Seungmin turned around, a bag full of beers in his hand. "I'll try," he walked to the kitchen door, where Hyunjin was standing. "don't wait for me." He kissed the top of his head and left.
———
"Hey, your sixth anniversary with Hyunjin is soon, right?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Just asking. It's been six years, when are you getting married?" Changbin asked.
"I don't know, haven't thought about it." Seungmin shrugged.
"What?!" Chan appeared from the kitchen.
"How have you not thought about it? Hyunjin has been there with you this whole time. You two were pinning each other for months when you already knew you liked each other" Changbin's eyes scanned his face.
"Don't get me started with that." Chan pointed at him with a spatula.
"Have you two talked about marriage?" Changbin genuinely asked.
"Yes, when we were about 22 or 23?"
"Yeah and now you're almost 27." Marked Chan.
"Hey, I know we're your friends, but if you're not serious about it, I think you should talk with Hyunjin." Changbin grabbed his knee, his voice calmer. "It's been six years and Hyunjin seems pretty serious about your relationship, I don't want either of you to be hurt."
Seungmin sighed and drank from his beer.
One week before their sixth anniversary
It’s Thursday, Seungmin's favorite day. Hyunjin comes home late at night on Thursday.
He took a beer from his hidden spot and prepared everything to make his joint. He craved the sensation it gave him.
The room soon was full of its distinct smell. Seungmin sighed, he had been hiding every time he smoked or drank a beer, either at Chan's studio or Changbin's house, always left his things with them, this way Hyunjin wouldn't find it.
Hyunjin came home several hours later and kissed Seungmin hello. When Hyunjin pulled away, his nose was wrinkled. “Have you been smoking? And drinking?”
“No, of course not.” Seungmin replied, cursing himself for forgetting to change before Hyunjin came home.
“Don’t lie to me, I can smell it on you. What happened to your promise?” The hurt on Hyunjin’s face was almost enough for Seungmin to swear off alcohol and drugs for good.
“It’s just too hard to stop. Work is really stressful and drinking and smoking is the only thing that helps me to relax. A little bit isn’t anything to worry about.”
“A little bit? Seungmin, you’re slurring your words. This isn’t just a little bit. And you’ve been hanging out with Chan and Changbin a lot lately, don’t think I don’t know what happens at their house. This isn’t okay, Seungmin. Recently you’ve been really distant and every time I try to talk to you, you get really defensive and start to yell. You need to stop. For real this time.”
“Well maybe if you weren’t so fucking insuferable then I’d be able to relax without being judged. All I want to do is wind down after work and you get all high and mighty about me smoking and drinking as if everyone doesn’t do the same. Get off your fucking high horse and be real for once.You aren’t perfect either. So stop acting like you’re so much better than me because you’re not. You’re just as much of a pathetic loser as I am.”
Seungmin grabbed a bottle from under the couch and threw it at Hyunjin. It hit him in the arm and fell to the floor before shattering, spewing beer and glass everywhere. “Maybe if you drank that you’d calm down enough to get off my ass.”
Hyunjin’s eyes were wide and his chest was heaving as he looked from the mess on the floor to Seungmin. “I-I think I’m going to go to Jisung’s.” And with that Hyunjin was out the door, leaving Seungmin alone with his thoughts and a broke beer bottle on the floor.
Seungmin regretted his words and actions the minute the door closed, but he couldn’t go back in time to take it all back. Maybe this would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Maybe this would finally make Hyunjin break up with him.
Seungmin would deserve it. He was a shitty boyfriend.
Seungmin knew why Hyunjin hated his drinking and smoking so much. In college Hyunjin had partied a lot. Partied a lot with Seungmin. But all of that partying had soon led to a lot of day drinking and smoking which then led to Hyunjin attending class less and less.
It took Hyunjin almost being kicked out of college and being forced to go to therapy for Hyunjin to change his ways. Hyunjin had been sober for several years after that and Seungmin had cut down on his own drinking and smoking habits for his boyfriend’s sake. But recently, Seungmin had started again and Hyunjin hated it, he was scared of relapsing himself, could see echoes of his past in Seungmin.
It didn’t matter though, the damage was already done. Seungmin might as well drink himself into oblivion tonight. It’s not like Hyunjin was going to come back until the morning.
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Hyunjin was sitting on Jisung’s toilet, Jisung bandaging his cuts from the bottle while Hyunjin held an ice pack to his arm. Jisung’s husband, Minho was standing in the doorway, looking at Hyunjin disapprovingly.
“Seungmin did this to you?” Minho asked.
“Yeah,” Hyunjin answered. “But he was drunk and high, he didn’t mean it.”
“Hyunjin,” Jisung scolded. “This isn’t even the first time Seungmin has pulled this shit. He has no regard for your feelings and is a shitty ass boyfriend.”
“Yeah, but I love him. And he isn’t always this way. He’s just stressed with work and stuff and he said that I’m stressing him out even more. I guess I should stop getting on his case about smoking and drinking and stuff.”
“No you should not.” Minho’s arms were now crossed as he leaned against the doorway.
“I’m with Minho on this one. Seungmin wasn’t the one that had to pull you together in college, he was off partying every night. He didn’t have to pull your ass out of bed and drag you to therapy. He didn’t have to sit with you on the bathroom floor as you cried every night as you got sober. Seungmin showed up like twice a week to bring you food and spent like two hours with you. He wasn’t there with you through the thick of it. I was. He doesn’t know how important staying sober is to you. You worked so hard for so long and it’s not fair for him to throw that in your face like this.”
“Not to mention the fact that he insults you and throws bottles across the room at you. This is the second time this has happened. This isn’t okay Hyunjin. He can’t abuse you like this and just get away with it,” Minho added.
Hyunjin buried his face in his non-injured arm. “Can we not talk about this right now? I’m not feeling great.”
“Of course,” Jisung responded. “A lot just happened and we can just chill and watch a movie tonight if you want. But we will be talking about this later.”
“Okay, a movie sounds good.”
After all of Hyunjin’s cuts were bandaged, he found himself curled up next to Jisung on the couch, watching a kid’s movie as Minho made them dinner in the kitchen.
Jisung had met Minho their last year of college and they had gotten married a couple of years later. Hyunjin was Jisung’s best man at their wedding. Jisung and Minho were perfect for each other, he wished that his and Seungmin’s relationship was more like Jisung’s and Minho’s.
Hyunjin fell asleep that night in Jisung and Minho’s guest room. His dreams were full of shattered glass and tears.
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Seungmin woke up the next morning with a blinding headache. He walked into the living room, saw the broken bottle on the floor, and suddenly the events of last night came flooding back.
He had thrown a bottle at Hyunjin. He had thrown a bottle at Hyunjin for the second time.
Seungmin had issues. He knew that. But yelling at Hyunjin and throwing a beer bottle at him was unacceptable. Hyunjin shouldn't be living this shit. Seungmin knew what he had to do when Hyunjin came home.
---
Seungmin was sitting on the couch completely sober when Hyunjin came home.
"Hyunjin, you're the light of my life, I don't want to see your light die out," Seungmin said, making eye contact with the older.
"Seungmin, you won't. I'll be by your side until you're better, we can do this, we got it"
Seungmin felt like he had been punched in the chest. Even after everything that had happened, Hyunjin was willing to give Seungmin a second chance. But he knew that he couldn’t let him and Hyunjin stay together. It wasn’t fair to Hyunjin.
"No–" Seungmin’s breath caught in his throat, "no Jin, you need to shine, to be free of this shit, this is eating us up, I don't want to do this to you." he exhales. "You need to find someone who can give you what you need, what you deserve, to help you shine brighter, and I'm not doing it. I love you, that's why I'm giving up on you."
“You’re-you’re breaking up with me?” Hyunjin laughed bitterly. “You know this morning Jisung told me that I should break up with you, that you didn’t deserve another chance, but I was determined that I could save our relationship, that I could fix everything, that love was all we needed. But here you are, breaking up with me.”
“It’s-it’s for the best.” Seungmin’s heart felt like it was breaking as he spoke. “Let’s face it, I’m a shitty boyfriend. I make up excuses not to hang out with you. I get drunk and high even though I know it hurts you, even though I know it threatens the sobriety you worked so hard for. I threw a bottle at you. Twice. You have bandages on your arms and legs because of me. I’m not good for you Hyunjin. And you know that.”
Tears were streaming down Hyunjin’s face and there was nothing Seungmin wanted more than to wipe them off of Hyunjin’s cheeks, to tell him not to cry. But Seungmin had lost that privilege.
“All I ever wanted was for this to work out,” Hyunjin sobbed. “I love you Seungmin.”
“I know, I love you too, but this is for the best.”
“I guess this is goodbye then.”
“I guess it is.”
And then Seungmin sat there and watched as Hyunjin turned around and walked away. The door slammed shut behind him and Seungmin knew that was it. Their relationship was over. Almost six years down the drain all because Seungmin couldn’t get his shit together.
“I really fucked up, didn’t I?” Seungmin said to the empty house. The house that used to be his and Hyunjin’s. They would never live together again. It was over.
Seungmin laid on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. His chest was a gaping hole. He never knew that he could feel so empty, that Hyunjin had taken up such a large space in his heart. But Seungmin was just going to have to get used to feeling empty.