Chapter Text
Ch. 1 The Purpose of My Nonexistence
I can hear two women whispering about me in the hallway.
“You can have him, you know.” I hear one say to the other as I just ignore them and continue reading my book on the windowsill until I’m actually requested.
“What do you mean?”
“For an hour or so, the night, however long you want so long as Sorcia approves it. For anything you want.”
“An... anything?”
“Shhh...”
“But.... isn’t he her nephew?”
“Maybe, but he...”
“I’m a tool.” I look at them from my perch on the windowsill. “I’m nothing to her but an object with which she rewards her girls, or comforts them, or even just allows them.” The new girl just blushes and looks ashamed of herself. That won’t last. It never does. “Not just for sex, either. Anything you want me to do or do to me short of killing me. Hello, Lila.” I nod to the one I know. “You’ve changed your hair.”
“Yes, do you like it?” She shakes out her newly bleached locks and smiles at me.
“Not really. You know I don’t care for blondes.” I force myself to return the smile. As one of the members of the guild who doesn’t really care for men, Lila doesn’t insist I feign attraction to her or even compliment her appearance. At least not when she knows how I actually feel on a subject.
“Give Jessica a kiss, then, would you?” She nods to the girl who just blushes. “You’re about the same age I should think.”
“You mean he’s only...” Jessica widens her eyes, looking up at me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. He looks so much older. I try not to smile at this little pretense. She’s barely seventeen and she’s already trying to be taken for younger than she is. I’m seventeen and I most certainly don’t look younger or older than my actual age. Even her deception is adorably innocent and I find myself actually not minding the order to kiss her. They never like it so simple and pure after the other girls get their claws into them. Even if they do, they never enjoy a simple kiss as much as they do right now. She looks at me, still blushing as I brush her bounteous brown waves behind her ear and lean in.
“I do like brunette’s though,” I lie. I can tell that this girl is used to being desired and will most certainly expect it of me so I’ll have to fake it. I can almost hear her heart beating. I wish she didn’t desire me. I kiss her, as ordered, gently, simply as she’s obviously attempting a virginal appearance whether she is one or not. “If you’ll excuse me. I’m going to continue my studies.” I bow to them both but give Jessica my most liked smile. Hopefully she’ll ask for me while she’s still sweet and innocent. While she’s still capable of actually liking me, of being somewhat kind to me. Before she becomes a woman.
I walk away so she can watch me leave. For some reason most of the girls like that. I just open my book and continue reading as I walk. Before I can stop myself I laugh at a rather clever joke. In such a serious work, it takes me by surprise. Maybe it wasn’t intended to be funny. But either way, I still laughed. I can feel the blood drain from my face as I know I was most likely heard by a sycophantic ear. There’s no helping it. I know where I have to go now.
I banish the book back to my room and teleport myself down to the dungeon.
“Well, hello, Ron.” Toby smiles at me with her gentle Centiran accent. She’s sterilizing her tools. I suppose she doesn’t want her subjects to die before they’re supposed to. Her torture chambers are the cleanest most sterile rooms I have ever seen. I’m only glad that they don’t wish the rest of the guild halls to be kept so pristine. “It’s always a pleasure to see you outside of work.” She reaches up to let down her bouncy blonde curls. She likes to keep her hair out of the way and covered as much as possible, unless she’s been ordered to give a man an aversion to blondes. She doesn’t like having to wash blood out of it, among other things.
“Don’t.” I look down at the floor before she can let down her hair. “I laughed.”
“Well, I haven’t gotten the order yet.” She walks over to me and puts a hand to my cheek. “C’mere.” I just let her hold me for a moment, though it’s more for her sake than mine. It’s been the longest time since I even wanted anyone to touch me. At least she’s still the only woman who can do it without making my skin crawl, which is very ironic seeing as she’s probably inflicted more pain on me than any other woman in the entire guild, even if you combine them all.
“So who are you delivering retribution to today? Besides me that is.” I ask as she lets go of me.
“The usual. You know I can’t discuss my subjects.” She pats my head a little more than I really like but I know it’s because she likes my curls. They’re so tight and bouncy she can’t resist. It used to make me laugh when I was younger, before my aunt decided that I was too old for my laughter to be excusably cute, that is. I’m lucky that most of the women found my smile charming enough for her to allow me to smile punishment free. Not that any of them are real anymore. “Ron, I love how immaculately clean you always are.” She starts to pat my head with both of her hands now. “So soft and springy. Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy.” I have to clap my hand over my mouth and turn the coming laugh into a cough.
“Please, stop.” I whisper.
“You know, I don’t have to vary my punishments based on how much you laugh or how many times you laugh in one day.”
“Well, no, but...” I frown not sure where she’s going with this until she starts to tickle me. Oh, no. And by now she definitely knows all my most vulnerable spots. Sure enough I’m soon laughing so hard that it hurts. I can’t even keep upright.
“Toby!” Fear strikes through my heart at the angry tones of my Aunt.
“Yes, darling?” Toby straightens up and smiles at her. I look up just in time to see Aunt Sorcia angrily slap Toby across the face.
“Don’t ‘darling’ me. You know I can’t stand to hear that thing laugh.” Aunt Sorcia point a dark black polished fingernail down at me. “He is not to...” She’s distracted by a tear that falls from Toby’s eye to the floor. “Escheron. Get out of here.” Oh, god she used my full name. I quickly take myself back to my room where I look down at the floor trying to compose myself before she comes for me.
“Are you alright?” I look over to my bed and see the sweet and innocent one from earlier. She’s already in the girlish white apprentice dress with the blue sash. It doesn’t suit her nearly as well as the pink ribbon in her hair or the pink slip she wore earlier.
There’s not really anything I’m allowed to do at this point, so I just stand where I am.
“I’m not really sweet and innocent you know.” Jessica smiles at me. I feel very disappointed at the revelation, but it‘s hardly unexpected. “I was told you have to do anything we tell you to do whether we get special permission or not. And that as a bonus, you’ll get punished for it and not me if your aunt decides afterwards she didn’t want it done.”
“That’s a lie. We both get punished. However I’d get punished either way.” I close my eyes as she lays down and looks up at the ceiling. “And nothing that happens between us is a guaranteed secret even if you make me promise not to tell. Making me promise not to tell will just guarantee that I’ll be punished when I comply with the order to tell. If I don’t tell, I’ll be tortured until I do so I most likely will tell. If you want to keep up the illusion of sweet innocence you have to maintain it with me as well. And right now, I can still believe it enough for it not to be a lie.”
“How well does that do for anyone in the guild? Sweetness and innocence?”
“I can’t imagine very well, as none of them use it within the guild walls.” I open my eyes to see the apprentice gown melt away into a slinky pink silk robe over pink lace lingerie.
“Anything I tell you to do, huh?”
“Yes.”
“Will you go hide this for me?” She tosses a small rock up in the air. The stone of decent. I just smile and pluck it out of her hand.
“You’re not seducing a wizard for your initiation?”
“No, thank you.” She makes a disgusted face. “I am a virgin through and through, and I will stay that way until it’s in my best interests to be otherwise. Meaning either an old rich husband with a bad heart, marriage to a prince, or if I’m propositioned by Oberon himself.”
“I wouldn’t recommend that. Oberon’s not a great lover. He’s very selfish with most women, and his wife is the guild’s patron. She’ll protect you if you refuse him but he won’t protect you from her if you don’t. So becoming Oberon’s lover is usually a fatal move for a sorceress. Also, it’s usually easier to seduce rich old men when you have experience. It will also help to take full advantage of that bad heart if you do as well. Please change your mind about staying a virgin as a source of power. Sorcia won’t allow anyone to have any kind of power she can’t wield. If it’s because of fear or weakness and you can be derided for it unchallenged, she’ll probably tolerate it, though. If not she’ll have you ruined.”
“Ruined? I don’t think so. You just want to sleep with me.” She laughs and stretches out. “That’s alright. Everyone wants to sleep with me. Hmmm. I’m hungry. Go make me some crepes with strawberries, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce.”
I just nod and go place the rock in my aunt’s room in a knot in the floorboard underneath the red shoes she never wears. No one will look here.
“But, Shi-shi, how could I ever be mean to anybody who looks at me with your big blue eyes?” I peek out through the closet door to see Toby and my aunt laying together on her large round bed, both fully clothed for now, thank god. I quickly take myself to the kitchen.
“Are you on a job or just hungry?” I ‘m blocked by a frying pan as I go towards the pantry.
“I’m working. Strawberries, chocolate, whipped cream, and crepes.”
“Ooo!” Half the kitchen girls perk up., “Make enough for us.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I accept the apron that’s handed to me. “Thank you.” I give her a smile. She blushes and goes back to her place. It’s a good thing I’m making something they all want. No one will trip me or interfere with my cooking today. Plus since Aunt Sorcia is with Toby I’ll actually have time to finish it all.
I always wondered why Toby was ever kind to me. I always assumed it was guilt. No matter how often she has to punish me, she always cries and says she’s sorry afterwards. Even though it hasn’t made me feel better afterwards since I was seven. I know it’s supposed to mean something when she takes such complete joy in all the other men she tortures. But why does it matter if she doesn’t like doing it if she does it anyways? It’s not as if she has a choice I suppose. But as my aunt’s lover, she might.
I barely manage to keep the batter in the bowl as someone trips me. So much for an incident free cooking session.
“Oops.” I hear an insincere expression of dismay as some scalding hot oil drops onto my back. I just clench my teeth and swallow the pain. This is not unexpected. All I have to do is make the crepes. That’s all. I get to my feet and walk over to the spare stove.
Hopefully, I’ll get to go into the desert to practice this afternoon.
“Here you are.” Lila opens the door to my room as I finish feeding Jessica her crepes. “You didn’t waste any time, did you, sweetie?”
“Why would I?” Jessica sits up and gives her a sweet smile. “I need a little pampering every now and then.”
“Well, once you meet with Sorcia formally you’ll barely have time for this. Trust me, this thing right here is in high demand and worth the wait.” Lila drops her arms around my neck, leaning against my back. “Speaking of which, I have a free evening tonight. Are you already reserved?”
“No. What time?”
“Eight oclock. And if anyone else asks, you’re booked the whole night.” She gives my cheek a little bite. She must have had a fight with Janet. Lila doesn’t like to sleep alone and since sleeping with another woman would only make matters worse, she has to resort to cuddling up to me.
“Yes, ma-am.” I nod and wipe the chocolate from Jessica’s lips with a damp cloth.
“Oh, this is fun. Each man should be reduced to a mindless shell of a human being.” Jessica pats my head. “It’s so springy. I wish my waves did that when I cut my hair short. But they’re too big.”
“He is a rather nice specimen of a man, isn’t he. “ Lila pats my chest. “I may not find the same use for him as you will but I’m glad he’s nice to look at, at least. I would really recommend having him be your first. He’s gotten raved over in that department. Up until last year, he was just reserved for girls who had been raped, but thanks to Toby’s skilled hands and creative scarrings, that sort has been drastically reduced outside Contulst. Now almost every remaining enemy of women is in the nobility.”
“I find it hard to believe that there are no men outside the nobility raping women. Probably just less who get caught.” Jessica shakes her pink robes back into the traditional apprentice attire. “So who will I be studying under?”
“Him, most likely.” Lila runs her fingers through my hair to try and undo what must be a recent snarl. “He’s the only other transfigurist we have.”
“What? You mean... you’re a spell caster?” She looks surprised. “I didn’t think they allowed men into the guild.”
“I’m not in the guild. I’m the property of the guild. More like a living text book than a teacher.” I clarify before Lila can say it.
“He’s not just a transfigurist either. You name the school, he’s practically a grand master. He’s been learning since he could speak. He was such a cute little thing, too. We started wishing he’s stopped aging past five around the time his voice started changing but low and behold the beauty that emerged from the awkward cocoon.”
“You... how... you mean he was here since he was a baby? How could a baby deserve to be slowly objectified and... Please tell me he committed some horrible crime, or at least despicable typical male behavior for this to...” Jessica actually looks dismayed. I think Lila shakes her head behind me. “What, you mean nothing? At all? Was... was he just... raised for this?”
“Yes!” I stand up moving away from Lila as it just becomes too painful to stay still any longer. “I am nothing. I am no one. I’m a man. Isn’t that enough to justify it? Don’t pretend to disapprove. It won’t win you any friends. Not in this guild.” They just stare at me for a moment. “I... I’m sorry.” I go quickly to my knees and bow my head to the ground to apologize for my outburst. My shirt is a bit loose and as it’s not nearly long enough, it starts to slump down towards my shoulders.
“Oh my god!” Lila pulls my shirt farther away from my back. “What... Jessica go find Toby. She’s the closest thing we have to a healer. She should be in the dungeon.”
“To... Toby Arwin?” She sounds afraid, which is the reasonable reaction to the name of the guild’s master torturer.
“Just go!” Lila snaps at her and moves over to my washbasin. Soon I can feel a cool wet cloth press against my scalded and, most likely, blistering back. “I’m so sorry. You know I’m not into that sadistic stuff, right? That must have been killing you. Why didn’t you say something?”
I just clench my teeth. It wasn’t the pain. It was the sympathy. The concern, the fact that they’re pretending to care that gets to me. I can’t take it. I can manage not to think about any of this just so long as it’s nothing but pain and indifference. I can accept that I’m inherently evil, that each and every thing I go through is necessary to keep that darkness under control. But not if any of them start to question it. I can believe that Toby... I can pretend she just finds me less evil than the men she enjoys torturing. That it’s not really me. It’s just because of who she is.
I wish I could step outside the darkness like she can. I wish I was allowed to find delight in small things. That’s the only thing that makes women better than men. They have the capacity to love if only long enough to let their children survive. Even if they hate you beyond reason, there’s always something that triggers goodness in them. If a woman is nothing but hate, it’s because a man beat the goodness out of them. That’s why I belong to them. It isn’t unfair that I’m property. It’s unfair that every other man alive is not.
But then why does part of me protest no matter what? Why can’t I get it to shut up? Why won’t the anger go completely away? I don’t have a right to be angry. I’m lucky they’re letting me live at all.
“Remember,” Toby whispers to me. “Remove your mind. And don’t forget to cry out in pain even if you don’t feel anything.”
“I know.” I whisper back. “Why...”
“Why what?”
“Why do you pretend to care about me?” I don’t bother to look towards her as she finishes applying the balm rather awkwardly for some reason There must be as much balm on my bed spread and belt as there is on my burns. I wonder if she’s sick. She’s so unsteady. Maybe she’s just dehydrated. I should offer to get her some water.
“I don’t.” She lies down next to me looking a bit blurry eyed. She smells different, I can’t seem to place it. It’s familiar somehow but not with Toby. She reaches up with one arm and places her hand on one of mine. Just looking at it for a minute, though she almost looked as if she was going to say something else. “I do care about you.”
“Can you torture someone you care about almost daily?”I take my hand away because I know she’ll let me without consequence, or offense.
“I have to be the one to do it, Ron. I can’t let any of those other amateurs torture you. They’re careless, they’re sloppy. They’re sadists. The things that have to be done to you could kill you in less skilled hands. I couldn’t risk it. And you know that my refusing to do it wouldn’t have kept it from happening anyways, right? So how can I torture someone I care about? When it would be worse if I didn’t.” She stops speaking and looks thoughtful for a moment as if she forgot something. “Nope, that’s right. I remembered it all.” She gives a rather odd smile. “I thought I forgot something, but I wouldn’t, I suppose. I have to remind myself that every single day, but I thought it would be harder telling you. It doesn’t matter I suppose.” Toby gives a rather desolate sigh and brings her eyes up to meet mine. The intensity in them rather startles me. “They’re going to let you out of here one day. Without supervision. And when they do, don’t ever come back. This is not all there is. This can’t be all you are.”
“What do you mean?” I’m not sure whether or not to pull away from her as I want to at this odd statement. She doesn’t seem herself tonight.
“You don’t deserve this. You never did. You never could. There are good things for you. Not every woman is a sorceress and not every man is a rapist murderer or wife beater. Right now you’re in hell, but... but there’s a heaven too, I know it. You have to find it. Even if you have to make it. I... here.” She reaches over me to grab her black bag from behind me, stumbling into my injured back not less than twice in the process. “Read this. There are people like this out there too. Most people are in between them and us.” Fairy tales. It’s a book of fairy tales. “It’s what gets me through the day.”
“Books aren’t real.”
“We can only know what we’ve experienced, you know.” Toby turns over onto her back and stretches. “If this was all there was in the world, those stories would be about how the cruelest and cleverest win with the dirtiest tricks and stuff like that. If the good people win, there are good people out there, so good in fact that even if they don’t win all the time, everyone wants them to and are glad when they do. There’s always more than just what we know. You know? One more new experience just waiting for us. Not that I’d know anything about that. It’s the same thing all the time for me. The same torture, the same guilt, the same shame, the same desires, the same lover. No hope of anything ever changing. The only change in my life has been through you. But besides you, all I know is Sorcia. If that’s changing, it’s not changing for the better, I know that much.” She sighs.
“Toby?” I sit up and she starts to giggle to herself for some reason. “Are you alright?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Toby arches her back as if she’s ready to yawn but puts her hands over her breasts instead. “She always bites. Why does she bite? She knows I don’t like it. But she probably doesn’t care, so it doesn’t matter if she knew or not, right? You don’t do things like that, do you? When it’s all about you, it’s not all about you. I mean, shoot, what do I mean? I mean... I.... Would you hold me? Please?” Toby turns over onto her side again and reaches out her arms to me.
“Um.” I try to suppress a reply, though I know she’ll want one. It’s best if I don’t get too in the habit of doing anything but acting on a request.
“C’mon. She never cuddles.” Toby moves very quickly and grabs my waist. “And you’re so nice and soft. I remember this little tummy. PBBBTTTHHH!” She blows a raspberry on my stomach. “Who’s my big boy?” Toby straightens up to rub noses with me. And she doesn’t look like she has any intention of kissing me. I can’t help but smile at her and gladly accept her hug.
“Thank you for not... using me.” I let myself put my arms around her. “Ever.”
“No. You’re just a baby.” She giggles again, running her hand over the shorter hairs below my crown. “So prickly. But it’ll grow out. Hmmmm. You’re not really a baby, are you?” Toby looks into my eyes. “I want a baby. With ice blue eyes and long black curls. And pretty pink lips. And he should be sweet and gentle and smart and kind and I’d take him so far away he wouldn’t even know there’s a sorceress guild.”
“You... you’d want a boy?”
“Yes. I do. I wouldn’t tell him he was bad either. I’d tell him he was good and teach him to be good. And I’d make him so happy. Then he’d get married and make more good and happy boys and more and more until there wasn’t a mean man left alive, just good sweet boys with ice blue eyes.” She looks so tired. I hope she falls asleep before this goes where I think it’s going. “You look just like her.”
“No, I...” When she kisses me, I feel like I want to die.
“Ohhh, my head.” Toby moans as I sit in the corner by the door, waiting for the announcement of my punishments. “Where...” She peels the covers off of her face. “Um, I... Oh, god.” She looks positively terrified. “Oh, no. Oh, no! I didn’t... we didn’t.... No. No, I would never...” Toby runs her fingers through her hair.
“Of course you would.” I look away from her. “You’re a woman, aren’t you?” Suddenly the door slams open striking me rather harshly.
“You faithless bitch!” My aunt closes the door, not even looking at me, though I know she knew full well I was there. “How dare you do this to me? The one thing I’ve forbidden you. And you...” I can feel the most powerful surging of energy I’ve felt in years. I quickly get to my feet and shield Toby with my own body as it’s released towards her.
“It’s not her fault!” I ignore the intense pain dissipating throughout my body. “How can everything else that ever happens be my fault, when I don’t have a choice, but now that I take advantage of a drunken woman, it’s her fault?” Oh, please, oh, please, let her believe me.
“You what?” Aunt Sorcia pulls me away from Toby and slams me against the wall.
“She was just here to heal a burn for me. She was so drunk, I couldn’t resist. I mean I am a man, aren’t I?” I try to look my aunt in the eye, but I can’t. She doesn’t say anything, she just strikes me across the face with so many magical enhancements to the blow that my jaw cracks.
“Apparently I’ve been too kind to you.” She turns from me and goes over to Toby. “I should never have doubted you. I knew he loved you. And you’re so helpless.”
“But..” Toby starts to protest. “No. It’s not like that. I don’t... I...” She quickly pushes away from Sorcia and throws herself towards the waste basket just in time to avoid vomiting on my bed.
“You will pay for this.” My aunt glares at me as she holds back Toby’s hair. “And you will never see this woman again.”
I just close my eyes not feeling for a moment that might be a bad thing. I don’t want to see her again.
The light above me is slowly dimming again. Why did I protect her? What was I thinking? She’s just like all the others. The only reason she didn’t use me before now was because it wasn’t allowed. Not because she cared what I wanted. Not because she didn’t see me the way they did. That was just so foolish of me to even think there was any kindness there.
I can hear the water dripping from the grate into the stagnant pool underneath my ledge. I hope she just leaves me to die in here. It’s so much more peaceful and relaxing. I don’t have to look at anyone or anything. No pain, no noise, no one touching me. There’s nothing but darkness.
I hate them all.
I open my eyes to the darkness, my throat aching from the scream that still lingers in my head. I can’t get away from it. All that happens is that my worst memories rise up and attack me. I’ve tried not to sleep but then I just start to think and it all comes back to how worthless I am, how bad and how... how I’m nothing. I can’t take it anymore.
It’s not so bad being their slave. Why... No! I can’t do this. I can’t think, I have to stop thinking.
“Had enough?” I hear the cold voice of my aunt as there’s a strange scraping sound above me. The grate is being removed.
“Yes.” I try to say but I’m so parched.
“Cleanse yourself and meet me in my chambers.”
“Y-yes, ma-am,” I try to get to my feet, but I’m so weak. My legs won’t hold me. Maybe I really will die. I hope so.
“Don’t worry, ShiShi. I’ll be gone before he wakes.” I hear the familiar coaxing tones as my head is bandaged. “Go prepare the cottage. I’ll be there shortly. Promise.” I can hear them kiss. After a moment I feel the weight of her head rest against my chest. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to... I never would have...”
“I hate you.” I hear myself say as my skin starts to crawl at her touch.
“Ron?” She puts a hand to my cheek but I turn my head away.
“Don’t touch me. If I’m injured just let me suffer. If I’m dying please let me die.”
“Please forgive me.” Toby lets go of me and moves away so she’s no longer touching me.
“What do you mean forgive you? I’m not a person. I’m an object. I’m meant to be used that way by women like you. I’m the one who needs to be forgiven. I don’t... I...” I clutch at my head as the thoughts won’t seem to form and I can’t... I just can’t think. It’s too painful, I won’t. “I hate you, Toby. I just hate you, that’s all.”
I let go of all other thoughts. They weren’t telling me anything anyways. I just have to obey. I can hate them so long as I just obey.
“If I could kill you, I would.” My aunt says quietly as I look out the coach window at the passing scenery. “She could have lived if it weren’t for you. My pure, perfect, Toby, untouched by any man. You’re not the worst man alive, though. You’re very close to it, but you’re not the worst.” She’s silent as if she’s expecting me to say something, though I know she isn’t. “We’re going to visit your mother today. After all, I think it’s time you knew why you really exist.” The carriage just rolls on and on. The forest is like nothing I’ve ever seen. It seems to be very dark and thick and the farther north we get the warmer it is. She’s in Axtoni now.
I used to go to my mother’s room at the guild and sit on her lap. I’d pretend that the reason she didn’t move was because if she moved she’d hurt me like everybody else and she didn’t want to do that. I’d seen a mother smile at her baby once and pretended that my mother was smiling at me. When my aunt found me, pretending to be happy, she had my mother taken away, up to a place in Axtoni. Away from me. She still doesn’t talk, though. Or move, or even smile.
I wonder why I ever smiled. A pain starts to well up within me that I can’t handle and I push it away. All that matters is that I obey. If I do, I might not get hurt. And occasionally I might get chocolate.
I just barely turn the emerging laugh into a horrible choking cough that doesn’t stop as easily as I hoped. As I give my throat a final clear, Aunt Sorcia just stares at me.
“Excuse me.” I can feel myself blushing. God, where did that come from?
“Sometimes I’m not sure you know what you are.” My aunt says cooly.
“I’m your nephew.” Another strange thing popping up from my mind, and definitely not the answer she was looking for.
“Are you somehow less afraid of me today?”
“No.” I respond after thinking about it for a moment. I’m terrified, but it’s doesn’t seem to mean anything. That’s probably why I’m not shutting up yet. “I’m just reasonably sure I won’t be getting any more chocolate today.” This time I just manage to laugh without making any noise this time. But she’s not fooled.
“Janet! Stop the carriage.”
Oh, wow. I feel really good. I wondered what that weird feeling was. Ow! She hit me. She looks so mad. If I look deep into her eyes I... I can see myself.
“Wow, I really do look like you.” I grab her face to get a better look. “We both have blue eyes and black hair. That’s curly and really, really white skin.” the carriage jerks to a halt and I fall off onto the floor.
“JANET!” My aunt pushes me out the door. “Did you give him any of your brownies?” I slowly get to my feet and dust off my clothes. I never noticed how cool dust clouds look.
“No. Well, yes, but not one from the blue tin. Those are for the staff right?”
“No.” Sorcia sighs. “The ones for the staff were in the red tin. The ones in the blue tin were just brownies for my sister. So either way, why would you have taken a brownie at all much less given one to that... What are you doing?” She turns to look at me.
“Making dust clouds.” I continue stomping my foot on the dry ground. I think I hear Janet giggle.
“Janet. Did you get stoned before starting on this journey?”
“Maybe. Just a little. But you know I always get so afraid when we have to go into Axtoni. I didn’t want to embarrass you again. Besides you know I drive better when I’m a little stoned.” Janet looks so embarrassed so I just have to give her a little hug.
“Don’t be afraid. You’re a woman. Women are in charge of everything. Why would you have to be afraid? I wish I was a woman.” I give her a kiss on the cheek. There’s something right behind her. “Hey look is that a butterfly?” I break away and walk over to a tree where this large black and orange butterfly is just opening and closing it’s wings. It’s so beautiful. I’m hungry. “Shi-shi! Can I have a sandwich?” I call back for permission before I just summon one up. Uh, oh.
“Janet?” I frown as she cleans off the blood from my face. “What was in that brownie?”
“Oh, don’t you worry about that.” She gives a guilty frown. “How does your head feel?”
“I don’t know, but I think it’s working again.”
“Good, and just so you know, I wish you were a woman, too. I think you’d have been a lot happier. But then again, we wouldn’t have anyone to make us dessert or do our work for us or pleasure us so selflessly so I guess it’s better for all involved that you’re nothing.” She pats my head and stands up. “That’s better. Blood and dirt don’t really make you that nice to look at. Oh, and stop leaving your stupid books in my room.” Something thumps against my head and falls down into my lap. The book of fairy tales Toby gave me. But I never brought it into her room. I threw it into the trash pile. “You should open it.”
I turn it right side up and open the cover. There’s writing on it.
‘All men can be princes.’
Yes, but what’s a prince? I turn the pages and start to read. It’s going to be a while before my aunt returns. She’s taken to disappearing for hours off and on since Toby died. I’ve heard them say at the guild that she’s still mourning. Some people say she’s making a ‘Toby’ golem. But neither one could be true because she’s the one who killed her in the first place.
Oh, thank god, it’s starting to rain. I close my eyes and turn my head to the sky so I can stop thinking. But first, I send the book back into my room, hiding it in my pillow for good measure.
“What are you doing? Get in here before you get drenched!” Janet opens the carriage door and waves me in. Suddenly she shrieks as a crossbow arrow pierces her shoulder. I look around and see a crossbow quarrel headed towards me. I stop it mid air and shield the carriage.
“I don’t think you should continue to attack us.” I walk towards the people hiding in the brush. “Now get out of here before..” I barely catch this one.
“DON’T TALK TO THEM! KILL THEM!” Janet screams at me from the carriage.
“Sorry about this.” I freeze them into place and set the brush on fire. Of course it’d be more effective if it weren’t raining so I clear the skies and watch them burn. Soon they don’t even look human. Just melting blackened red lumps of flesh with metal and white bones. I can feel a good many feelings start to rise up but I push them down and bury them in the pit.
I need to get Janet to a magician. I open the carriage door and see her lying on the floor in a slowly widening pool of blood. She pulled the quarrel out? She should know better than that. I quickly take her into my arms and search the surrounding countryside for the nearest magician which is down in Contulst. Wonderful.
I take a breath and teleport us to the magician’s house.
“Ma’am,” I reach over awkwardly shifting Janet in my arms. “Excuse me. Janet was shot by a crossbow.” The woman jumps, and turns around, her hand on her chest.
“Oh my god. Alan!” She shouts back to the wooden house behind us. “This way, young man. Alan! We have an emergency!” A man with light blonde hair comes to the door.
“Crap!” He runs over to me and takes Janet from my arms. “Sheri boil some water.”
“Oh, and please come in.” The woman smiles at me and runs in after the man. Well, that’s certainly surreal. I slowly walk towards the house when I notice my shirt is all bloody. I need to wash that out before it stains. I took around and see the pile of clothes she was washing and hanging up to dry. Alright. This is a familiar situation. I know exactly what to do here.
“Excuse me, sir?” The woman taps my shoulder as I finish drying the clothes off. “Your girlfriend’s alright.”
“My what?” I start to take the clothes down and fold them.
“Oh, no, you don’t have to do that.” She touches my arm and takes the clothes from me. “Thank you for doing this, though. That’s so sweet.”
“So Janet’s alright? Thank you.” I smile at her. She just looks a little concerned. “Something wrong?”
“I was just about to ask you that. You look… you look like you’re in shock… I… it’ll be alright. ” She brushes back her soft brown hair and puts her hands on her stomach. “Oh, he’s moving.”
“Who’s moving?”
“The baby.” She smiles at me with such radiant joy. “She’s kicking me. The hyper little thing. Do you want to feel?”
“What, your stomach?” I look down at her large stomach. I’ve never seen a pregnant woman before. I know this happens to them, but it’s... it looks a little strange.
“It’s alright.” She nods as I debate whether or not to do it, and takes my hand, placing it gently on her stomach. I.. I can feel it moving. “He’s so adorable, isn’t he?”
“He? I thought you said it was a she?”
“Well, I don’t know. I hope it’s a boy, though. If it is we’ll name him Alan after my husband. If it’s a girl we’ll call her Tiffany. It’s our first after trying for so long. We’re so excited.” She laughs and looks back towards the house. “Please come inside. I’ll get you some tea. Or if you like you can just go sit next to your girlfriend while you wait for her to wake. You must be worried sick.”
“Not especially. And she’s not my girlfriend.” It’s absolutely mesmerizing feeling the child move inside of her. She’s creating a living being inside her own body. This must be why women rule the world. “Is it wonderful? Being pregnant?”
“It’s the most wonderful thing in the world.” She sighs dreamily.
Toby just wanted this. To be this happy. To smile that way, to feel that good. I wish... No. I take a breath and banish it into the pit.
“I’ll wait out here.” I sit down on a rock beside the clothes line. They look... she looks happy. Her husband. She doesn’t look as if she’s enslaved. It doesn’t look as if he is either. She looks as if she likes it.
“Sheri, thank you for your help.” That man, Alan walks out to her and kisses her cheek. “And you don’t have to worry young man. Your girlfriend will be fine. It was just a flesh wound.” He puts his arms around her and starts rubbing her stomach. “Has she been moving?”
“You just missed it.”
“You both look so happy.” I have to say it so I don’t think about it too much.
“Generally yes.” The man stands up. “Not that I object to helping a woman in distress but how did you find me? I didn’t even tell my father where Sheri and I were staying.”
“I just needed the nearest magician and you were...”
“Where’s Janet!” I start as Aunt Sorcia appears angrily beside me.
“She’s inside resting. She’ll be fine.” I step back reflexively.
“Go back to the carriage. Now!”
I nod and step back through space to the carriage. I can see the charred remnant of the two bandits and am no longer able to shove anything aside. I just throw up on the side of the road.
“You enjoyed that, didn’t you?” My aunt touches my shoulder digging her nails into me. “Killing those men.”
“Janet told me to.” I just kneel there in the ashes, looking at their charred bones. “Who made you kill Toby?” In response to this she sends painful searing shocks burning through my body.
“You did, you disgusting bastard.” She hisses, kicking me in the stomach. “I loved her more than you ever could and you took her away from me. How could I let her live after that? I hate you, you worthless bastard. I should kill you. Victori be damned!”
“Please do, then.” I close my eyes and wait for her to strike. “If I’m worthless, if I caused her death, why should I live? I didn’t... I didn’t see her that way. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want her. Not like that. She just started talking about wanting a baby with blue eyes and long black curls and you know I’m not allowed to say no. I tried. But I couldn’t. So what the hell are you waiting for?”
I just sit there for the longest time waiting for her to end it all, but nothing happens.
“It was an accident.” I finally hear her speak, her voice wavering and strained like I’ve never heard. I open my eyes in disbelief. She sounds so weak and frail at this moment I can’t believe it’s really her voice. She’s sitting in front of me, and she’s crying. I didn’t know she could cry. “I didn’t kill her because of you. I didn’t... I didn’t mean to really hurt her at all. Not like that I... I hit her and she fell against the fireplace. I didn’t... I would never have done that to her on purpose for any reason. I loved her. She...” She covers her eyes. “She was the only thing that made my life worth living.”
“You’re the head of the sorceress guild.”
“I am the current head of the sorceress guild. Do you know how I became the current head of the sorceress guild? The same way the previous head of the guild did by beating each and every other member magically and sometimes physically, and then killing the current head of the sorceress guild. Each and every sorceress in my guild is dreaming of doing the same exact thing. Except Toby.” Her voice cracks again. “If she had any magical talent at all, I could never have trusted her, but...”
“But wasn’t she an alchemist? Alchemy is a magical talent.” I hand her a kerchief. She looks at me for a moment then starts to laugh.
“Oh, that’s a good one.” She wipes her eyes. “Alchemy magical. Oh, goodness.”
“Thank you.” I smile, very glad she got the joke, though for a moment it occurs to me that I would rather not hear her laughter any more than she wants to hear mine.
“How’s your telepathy.” She regains her usual tone and posture.
“Locked behind the wall, as always.” I wipe my own eyes as some ash is blown into them.
“You were right to kill them, you know.” Aunt Sorcia picks up a skull and starts to toss it up in the air. “Besides the fact that they hurt a member of my guild and thus forfeited their lives, they were murderers. Highwaymen possibly. No matter what we’ve done to you, you heal. You don’t heal from death. Well,” She rubs the skull against her cheek. “Unless you’re a necromancer that is. Ick. But even then it’s not the soul that gets raised, it’s just the body and not much of a body at that. Isn’t that right, whitey?” She looks to the skulls eye sockets, then tosses it over her shoulder. “When we see your mother, I want you to take down the wall and go into your mother’s mind. Ask her about your father.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I wait for her to get up then get to my feet myself.
“I know you must think that what we do to you is unfair, or even that I hate you. Well, it is, and I do, but had your father not done what he’d done, I’d have just sent you far, far away never to look at you again as long as we both lived. You’re paying for his crimes until you can make him pay for his.”
“And after he pays?”
“I don’t know. But things will change.” My aunt places her hand on my cheek. “ I promise you that much.”
“Is it true then, that I don’t deserve this?” I raise my eyes to hers. I only dare to say it because the one who suggested it to me is already dead.
“It’s true that had I not done what I did in raising you, that you would without question.” The glare she gives me shows no sign of the tearful vulnerability she just showed. “Men... are... Evil. Don’t you ever forget that. You cannot be redeemed, only controlled. I control you. That’s as close to goodness as you could ever get.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I walk into the dim room as Aunt Sorcia speaks to the staff. All the windows are closed and the light from the cracks in the curtains pierces like a dull sword. They have her seated by a fireplace. It isn’t even lit. I place some wood in the grate and send in some flames. She always looked softer by the light of a roaring fire, less like my aunt.
She gives a heavier breath, almost a sigh. I look up at her. She seems so small. Flat, off black hair, dulled blue eyes, dry pale skin, like a wilted version of my Aunt. Take down the wall. I don’t want to do it. There’s too much noise. I don’t know if I could concentrate on my mother. But it’s not as if I have a choice.
I release my abilities from behind the protective magical wall and am instantly barraged by so many thoughts and feelings it’s like I’m drowning. I desperately grab out at the nearest mind. It’s just a faint flickering of thought with pain so great it almost dwarfs my own. But as I search through her memories of my father I don’t see anything incredibly shocking or unfamiliar to me. Only the pain of my conception.
Even though it’s been a long time since I’ve even desired a woman, being forced to please them never caused me that kind of pain. It was always the torture afterwards that hurt me. I know the humiliation and the shame all too well, but not the simultaneous fear of sterility and pregnancy or that you’ll never be desired by another again sometimes overtaken by the fear that you will be.
Even worse are the shadows of life beforehand lurking in the background. I sense happiness bleeding acid over her wounds. She wasn’t born for this kind of treatment. She had hope for a life with love and joy and kindness. The loss of this is what’s reduced her to this broken shell. She was a woman and women are meant to be loved. Men are the one’s meant to suffer and take the blows. They’re meant to protect. Not to be happy, not to take pleasure. We’re meant to be the dirt in which their flowers bloom.
I can’t bear the pain and emptiness anymore so I lock it away inside her, so deep and secure I hope no one can ever open it again. But the emptiness remains. It feels almost comforting, safe, but I know I won’t be allowed to stay here with her and will be worse if I”m forced to be fetched from it, so I take myself away.
“Do you understand now?” Aunt Sorcia asks me as I get used to my own mind again.
“Yes.” I go to wipe the tears from my eyes as they just seem to spill out, but I don’t have my kerchief. Aunt Sorcia hands it back to me when my nose starts to run a little and waits for me to compose myself. “Thank you.” I turn and bow before her in supplication.
“What?” She sounds completely taken by surprise by this.
“For never being kind to me. For never making me believe I deserved anything better than what I’m dealt. I know what men truly are now, and what we’re supposed to be.”
“Oh for goodness sake. If you were joined with my sister’s mind you can’t possibly know. Don’t speak to me again until you’ve filtered out whatever nonsense of hers stuck to you. Men and women are enemies, that’s all there is to it. And Men started it.” Aunt Sorcia slams the door shut and pulls me up to my feet. “Go back to the guild and attend to Janet. You’re hers for the rest of the day.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”