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Stepping onto the stage Altaïr is more nervous than he thinks he's ever been before.
Despite the screaming crowd in front of him, still so loud after the last song they played, the last one on their official set list, all the lights are off.
The big screen behind the stage, the one that had been displaying numbers counting down the time, along with personal photos and clips from behind the scenes of this tour, is currently dark, too... although he knows it will light up again in just a moment.
He's nervous, but not because of the massive audience, their biggest one yet, sold out in just minutes... no, he's nervous, because this performance, the last one this leg of the tour, happens to take place during mental health week. Something the band has made sure to acknowledge every year. Because the song they are about to play, they've never played before, and it is more personal to him than any of their other songs.
Because he knows, nothing will be the same after tonight.
The screen behind the stage lights up with a picture, and at the same time the first note of the piano starts playing.
The photo is that of a person in a hospital bed, wearing a gown, and lines of tubes and IV's can be seen weaving in and out of frame. The man in the picture is young, although the photo has been cropped in such a way to keep his face from showing.
The light of a single spotlight fades into existence, shining down on Kadar, the bands bassist, who is standing in front of the microphone. It's not his usual spot, but Altaïr thinks he'll do great.
"How come, everytime I try to outrun myself I can't move? Feeling like I'll never make it to the other side..."
Kadar's voice is thick with emotion, and it's obvious he is unused to singing like this, but Altaïr thinks it fits, somehow. He knows Kadar played a part in this story, too.
"Choking, can't breathe in, so I just close my eyes. Broken, try to rebuild but I'm so dead inside..."
He is gesturing along to the lyrics, using his whole body to portray the meaning, even though the crowd's eyes are mostly focused of the slideshow going on behind him.
Altaïr can't help thinking Kadar must feel naked, without his bass.
"Hollow, nothing but a shell, I ain't what I used to be. Swallow, everything I've felt, everything that's true to me..."
And swallow Altaïr does. His nervousness is growing with the knowledge that his part is creeping ever closer. He's never had to play the waiting game on stage before, not like this... always being the one up front and center. He may not be the one who does all the interviews and other social interactions, as unconventional as that may seem, but he knows how to wield the mic like it's a weapon.
The only one he's got.
"Shadows come into my room, I can feel them follow me. Had no way to get to you, you was too far from me..."
The slideshow keeps going, displaying intimate photos of a painful past. Bittersweet memories crowding together with the faces of the audience, and Altaïr has to turn his attention back to the song.
The picture on the screen is of two hands laced together, one of them is wearing thick bandages, covering the length of the forearm that is visible. No faces are yet to be seen in the photos.
Kadar's voice picks up in power as he repeats the lyrics of the song. Altaïr almost expects it to break several times, it's so heavy with emotion, and he starts jiggling his leg where he's standing in the dark, full of nervous energy.
It's almost his part...
The screen behind the stage fades to black as Kadar sings his last part, and the spotlight, the only light on stage now, turns to Altaïr. This is the part he has been waiting for. The part where everything will change.
"And I'm falling... and I'm falling..."
If Altaïr had thought Kadar must feel naked without his bass before, it is nothing compared to how exposed Altaïr himself feels, in that exact moment, without his hoodie. He's only wearing a t-shirt on his upper body, arms on full display, and he knows every bump and line of every scar, every wound now long healed, is highlighted by the spotlight shining down on him.
This is him, at his most vulnerable.
"And I'm falling... I'm falling..."
Altaïr wishes he had his hoodie back on. He never leaves the comfort of his home without one to cover himself up, scared of the questions and confrontations his scars might bring up.
But the screen behind him lights up with a new picture, as Kadar steps up to the mic again. This time more lights come on and the whole band joins in. The display starts shuffling through all the photos from before, now in time with the beat of the song, as Kadar and Altaïr take turns singing.
"And I'm falling, I'm falling..."
There is one difference in the photos on display now from before. As they are moving through at a faster pace, they've also been zoomed out, now revealing the face of Altaïr in every one of them.
Altaïr in the hospital, tubes in his nose, bags under his eyes, IV in his arm. Altaïr in recovery, arms heavily bandaged, hand holding on to another like it's his only lifeline. Altaïr in his long sleeved, oversized hoodies, covering up the pain he physically inflicted upon himself.
"And I'm falling, I'm falling!"
In the last picture displayed he is sitting down, arm stretched out in front of him, like he's holding on to something off screen. The scars are all healed and he is smiling. On his forearm, just below the crease of his elbow, is a small tattoo. It says Time & Love in slight cursive. The spotlights fade out and the screen turns dark before displaying a message with the ending notes of the song.
All wounds heal with time and love, but sometimes we need a little help along the way.
Once the message, too, has faded away, a list of hotline numbers appear, and a solid and warm body stumbles into Altaïr's own. Hands touch his face and Malik presses a quick kiss to his lips, before arms close around his neck in a hug, and all of the nervous energy from earlier leaves Altaïr's body as he lets himself be embraced.
"You did so well, I am so, so proud of you, Altaïr" is whispered to him, and Altaïr tries to focus on Malik alone, as he wraps his arms around Malik's waist to return the embrace.. He's trying to block out the crowd around them, the beating of his own heart, his racing thoughts, when another body joins them. This one he recognizes as Kadar, and soon the whole band is huddling together at the center of the stage.
There was a time when Altaïr was hurting, but that time has now passed. And although nothing will be the same after tonight, he will still have his friends, his family, he will still have Malik, right there. So maybe that's okay, even if it is unknown and terrifying.
Maybe he is growing, as a person? Changing, right then and there... You can't move forward without change, after all.