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Keladry of Mindelan stood on the walls of New Hope, looking out at the snowy landscape. It was good to be in Tortall. It had only been seven months since the fall of Haven and her journey into Scanra to rescue the refugees in her charge. She could still only sometimes believe that her friends and soldiers had joined her on such a fool’s mission, and rarely believe that they hadn’t all been executed on their return. Not a day went by when she didn’t thank Mithros for her life, and that she had been allowed to rebuild and create the town of New Hope with the people from Haven.
It was quiet today. Three other sentries stood on the wall, one for each direction, but otherwise nearly everyone was inside, and the enemy far away. It was cold, too – Kel shivered and stamped her feet to stay warm. She was a firm believer in not asking anyone to do something that she was not willing to do herself, but on days as cold as this, she sometimes wished she wasn’t. Unless… maybe not today. She had a lot to think about, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to be around people while doing so. Judging by the sun’s position, she had about an hour left in her three hour watch, meaning she had already spent two hours not thinking about what she had set out to do. She grit her teeth and exhaled. “Get it over with,” she said out loud. “Putting it off isn’t helping anything.”
It had all started a week before, when one of the orphaned children in her charge announced that she – he, Kel mentally corrected herself, he, he, he – was not, in fact, a girl, but was instead a boy. Kel knew about people like this child, who had been born into the wrong gender. It was said that Kyprioth, the trickster god, tapped them in the womb and changed them, to create company for himself. Kel had known such a person as a child, when her parents were ambassadors to the Yamani Isles – one of the court mages had been raised as a boy, but was undoubtedly a woman.
This child was only eight years old. If he had proclaimed some other identity – that he wished to be a poet, say, or that he wanted to explore the entirety of the Eastern Lands once the war was over – she thought she might have nodded indulgently and gone on with her day, not thinking the child was serious. But he spoke of gender, and she had to believe him. He obviously knew who he was, and he certainly knew himself better than Kel could ever know him. But his realization and announcement had made Kel wonder if she knew herself nearly as well, and she had to conclude that she did not.
It was important that she was a woman, she reminded herself. There were only two Lady Knights in the country of Tortall, and she was the only one who had trained to become one openly. True, there were two other girls who had started their training and were doing well, but she was an important political figure whether she wanted to be or not, and she recognized that. To say she was anything other than a woman could be disastrous to the future of female fighters. Kel huffed. It wasn’t fair, but then again, after years of being the only girl, she wasn’t all that used to having things be fair.
The problem was that she just didn’t know. She had always been proud of being a girl, even when she was beat up for it and called names, even when nasty tricks were played on her – all of those things just made her more proud, and more determined to succeed. But something now just wasn’t sitting right with her.
The problem was that she wanted to be a woman. It would make things easier, most certainly, and she wouldn’t have to give up who she had always been – but who had she been?
The problem was that she didn’t know who she had been before, or who she was now.
The problem was that she didn’t know who she wanted to be now.
She thought back to her childhood. She had always worn boys’ clothing, until wearing dresses had become a political statement when she was a page. She had never really liked dresses – once in a while she enjoyed feeling pretty, but for the most part breeches were just more practical. But that doesn’t mean anything, she told herself. That just means I didn’t want skirts getting in my way when I was running around. But I was always running, doing things meant for boys – no. There are plenty of women who enjoy running and fighting and things that aren’t sitting still and embroidering. Buri, Alanna, the Queen!
Her thoughts drifted to the palace, and her years as a page. Weren’t there times when she had looked at the boys, and wished she were one of them? She had known that she was one of them, in many ways, but she had wanted to be more like them. She had brushed it off as self-pity, wishing that things weren’t so much harder for her, but was that true, or was it something more?
She had been angry when her breasts started to grow in. She hadn’t wanted to hear the boys’ comments about her body. That was a perfectly reasonable thing to wish, but had part of it been because she didn’t want to think about her body?
She had been proud of being a girl. What was changing?
She had cried into her maid Lalasa’s shoulder when she began her monthlies. She had told her that she didn’t like her body doing things without telling her – and that was true. She didn’t like that she had a female body. She wanted a fighter’s body. She had that – she had spent years training for that – but these trappings seemed unnecessary.
As a squire in the King’s Own she had been far too busy most of the time to worry about being a girl. And when she dated Cleon, during those same years, he had made her like being a girl. But there were other times when she would look at the men and wish she could be one of them. There were times, before her Ordeal of Knighthood and after, when the weight of being The Girl, a Lady Squire and then a Lady Knight, had been too much. The idea that she was different pressed down on her chest because all she wanted was to be like the other knights – be a man.
Kel kicked at the air in frustration, then put her foot firmly down. Don’t be childish, she – or was it he? – thought. You’ve gotten through everything else so far, you can get through this as well. There’s no need to throw a temper tantrum.
Sometimes it was nice to feel pretty, or to spend time with other females. Kel couldn’t deny that. But right now, all Kel wanted was to be one of the boys. Was there a reason one couldn’t be both? Kel had never heard of anyone who was, but…
A life as a man and a woman. That couldn’t be too bad. It might even be fun. But still, no one could know. Whether Kel wanted to be called he or she, the only acceptable thing in public would be to be called she. Because Keladry of Mindelan was still one of the only Lady Knights in over two centuries, so it didn’t matter who Kel was. Maybe someone could know, a few close friends… but not yet. It was too new, too uncertain. Kel didn’t understand it, and certainly could not explain it. Explanations could come later. Even if things never became truly certain, at least they wouldn’t be so new.
A teenage girl walked up the stairs to the wall, bundled in multiple layers and set to relieve Kel on sentry duty. Kel took one last look at the snowy fields, and a deep breath. Then he turned, and went to greet the girl.