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Paduk only had enough strength to throw his armour in a corner. While the bang was loud, he barely flinched. Without his armour, there was nothing that distanced him from the harsh reality: the horrors he had just seen. The blood was still sticking to his hands … it must have seeped right through his gloves.
Shaking his head, Paduk knew that he couldn’t let those memories surface right now. That was what an unsettling sleep was for. Nonetheless, he felt sick to the bone … almost willing to search for a lonely area where he could throw up again. There was no point to this either, his stomach was already empty.
He didn’t even have that to give anymore. He had nothing.
“Research facility, my ass,” Paduk huffed, and with shaking hands he grabbed for a damp towel and sat down on his mattrass.
Torture. That was the closest word he could think of. Yet, it did the curtly no justice. Starting to clear the blood off his hands, Paduk could only shake his head. Hell, he knew torture, he was good at it. But torture had a point, a reason – getting information, sometimes humiliation, rarely revenge …
Revenge was quick, just as the headshots for the medical staff had been.
His order, his finger on the trigger, but Paduk wouldn’t lose any sleep on them. No, what would haunt his dreams was clear: the mutated faces, the hopeful ones only a few rooms further away, hoping to cure their sickness. The further they had swept the facility the clearer it became that anything but was happening.
Hell, Paduk was not a man of science but even he could tell that they were not curing anything.
What they had done was worse than this war. And Paduk knew all too well how cruel this war already was. Maybe there had been some kind of rules years ago, but when Paduk had joined up those must have been broken a long time ago.
Paduk had lost his family, friends, even lovers to it, and yet, all of those deaths had been kinder than whatever had happened in the “medical facility”.
Paduk threw the damp cloth aside and let his head fall between his knees.
“Hey, Major!”
Paduk grunted as he heard Hadrien’s voice and knew that he had stepped right into his room without knocking. With a few awkward exceptions, there had never been a need for this kind of privacy between them. Of all the friends and family Paduk had lost, Hadrien was one of the few left, no secrets between them.
“… I have …”
Paduk forced himself to look at Hadrien. Despite all things, Paduk was still responsible for this platoon. They were his people, they offered so much strength and endurance to him, Paduk owned the same to them.
However, Hadrien did not continue, instead he took a deep breath and his brows creased. A clear indicator how shit Paduk must look.
Yet, duty could not wait. “What do you have for me?” Paduk barely recognised his voice likes this: lacking the usual strength, determination, hell even the cheeky wit. Instead, it reminded him of a younger self – scared to love after already having lost so much.
“It can wait.”
Paduk nodded slowly and let his focus wander along the room until it settled on an unspecified spot on the floor. It no longer were the nightmares from today that drifted back to him, other memories had joined. Old ones which had left deeper scars. What was it that Paduk seemed to be unable to hold on to any kind of happiness? Was there none left in the world? Or was it just him who had it denied?
Suddenly, an arm wrapped around his shoulders and Paduk flinched. When he saw that Hadrien had sat down next to him, holding him like this, he slowly relaxed. Now he even dared to close his eyes and to enjoy the small comfort.
Of all the people Paduk knew, Hadrien was the closest to a brother. A man Paduk trusted, and barely hid anything from. The reverse was true as well, a bond that had formed over years of being deployed together. Absolute mutual trust. So when Hadrien pulled Paduk closer, Paduk let him.
“Some right shit, those Vasgari doctors did.” Hadrien shook his head as he mumbled those words. Meanwhile, Paduk only nodded as he cautiously pressed the side of his face against Hadrien’s chest. “… the title isn’t even worthy for them.” Then he spit on the floor in anger. “Executing them so quickly was too good for them.”
Maybe Hadrien was right. A headshot was a quick way out; there were other gunshot wounds as deadly but it would take hours. Those might have been a more fitting punishment but Paduk, just like his soldiers, had an irking that made them want to leave as soon as possible.
However, there were still the half-mutated people left. They looked like little horrors that should be left in children’s books. Nobody had an idea what to do with them, some could talk, some not … Would it be a mercy to kill them? Would their families take them back like at all? Paduk had no idea.
“Hey, Garron, it’s okay,” Hadrien told him, giving his shoulder a squeeze. “Our docs are trying to give those people –“ Paduk couldn’t help but note that even Hadrien had trouble to still refer to them as people “- as much comfort as we can. It’s not your job anymore.”
Hadrien was right about this. The rest was above his pay grade, so Paduk tried to shove those thoughts away. Yet, he was left with the question of how many nights it would take before this nightmare would slot into place with the rest which were bearable.
“Come on, Garron …” Hadrien’s voice was a whisper and he pressed his lips into Paduk’s hair. “… you’re exhausted, brother.”
Despite his best intention, Paduk felt a tear slip past his eyelinds. Hadrien had this stupid effect that he would let down his guard near him. At the same time, it was comforting that there was someone left he did not have to hide anything from.
Paduk wanted to agree but he failed to say a single word. Instead, he detached slightly so that he’d be able to look Hadrien in the eyes. As always when they were alone, there were no secrets, so Paduk could easily identify the worry in his eyes, the frown on his face, but also the kindness between them.
Why were such moments so rare? Paduk wondered if it was his own fault. If he had started to push people away and keep a distance ever since his heart had been ripped out; leaving him to wonder if he would ever been able to love again. Even to this day.
Maybe … just maybe … so Paduk rested his hand against Hadrien’s cheek – only now noticing the wetness on them and wiped them away. Then a small smile formed on Hadrien’s lips, and Paduk was transfixed by it. The closeness was astonishing, he could even feel Hadrien’s breath against his face, see the muscles move as he swallowed. So Paduk simply closed the distance, softly covering Hadrien’s lips with his own.
There was a gentleness that Paduk had not felt in years, a feeling that had alluded him since then. One Paduk had forgotten about. Yet, this was nowhere close to the comfort that Paduk had felt and sought years ago. Sure, for the night it might be enough but what then?
Paduk had never considered them as anything other than what they had always been: brothers, friends, comrades. Never lovers. It was a strange thought, an odd one, one that did not fit. Even for just a night …
No. Paduk pulled away, they weren’t lovers. “Hadrien, I …” Paduk stopped hearing the tearfulness in his voice. Shit.
Then he shook his head. “I … I must apologise … I …” didn’t know why I did it.
“Garron,” Hadrien stopped his stuttering with this. His tone was soft, almost as if his name had lost all hard edges. “Don’t worry about it.”
Paduk knew that Hadrien had every right to leave this uncomfortable situation. Yet, he took the time and took Paduk’s face between his hands, running his thumbs along the skin.
“Shit’s tough, we both know this,” Hadrien explained as he offered Paduk a smile. “That’s why we stick together, remember?”
Those words had to sink in before Paduk nodded. In response, Hadrien pulled him into a tight hug. The breath of relief was so strong that it broke the wall that had held back all his tears. It was anger, sadness after this day, but also comfort and relief that he hadn’t lost his friend, his brother.
So he reached up and wrapped his arms around Hadrien, resting his head against his as Paduk let his emotions flow.