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1.
At his first day back at school, Wilhelm decided that if he didn’t think about what had happened, it just didn’t exist. He refused to think about what his reality was, or more precisely, what was missing from it now. Yes, the ceremony had been beautiful and yes, they had treated him very nicely, but he just wanted to pick up where his life left off.
He refused to say the words out loud. He refused to listen to the rumors that were going around, sounding a bit louder when he walked past and he repressed all the feelings that welt up. He made sure to steer away from the people who threw him meaningful glances, like Felice and August. As a result, he almost became antisocial, but that was fine by him. Social skills were never really his forte anyway.
But at the same time, now the cameras had left, it became harder and harder to repress the truth. To keep up the front to everyone around him. He zoned out in classes, barely responded to Simons texts and only fell asleep with his arms wrapped around himself and his music volume turned up loud so he couldn’t actually hear himself thinking anymore.
He carried on like this for about a week. He was sure he could have done it a bit longer, but Simon didn’t let him. He hated what he did to him, hated distancing himself from the only person he felt actually seen by, but he just couldn’t do it. Didn’t know how to make Simon understand. So he had kept himself busy every time he was near him. Making homework, calling or he just left, claiming he was tired and made a beeline to his room.
Simon had played it smart. On Friday, when Wille had lost track of him, he stood waiting by his room, shoulders tense, sleeves a bit over his hands, clearly not sure of himself. Wille halted immediately when he saw him, doubting whether to run for it or just go ahead and talk himself out of it.
‘I know you don’t want to, but we gotta talk.’
Wille looked everywhere but at the other boy while slowly and reluctantly opening his door and letting them in. Since he had gotten his new room, he had decided to only use one side of it. The other side was empty and he hated it. Hated it anyways, but he hadn’t said anything. He hadn’t wanted a new room. His old one was just fine.
He dumped his bag in the corner and the book he had been holding on his desk and sat down on his bed, while Simon took the desk chair, keeping his distance.
‘Will you please tell me what is happening inside your head?’ He asked, almost pleadingly while looking at Wille with those beautiful brown eyes of his.
Wille found himself at loss how to respond, his throat closed off and he felt a prickling sensations starting at the back of his skull that slowly but surely spread throughout his whole body. He wanted to run. Away from his room, his school, his life.
Instead, he sat still, like he always did when he felt that particular sensation. He was almost used to it by now. Welcoming it like an old friend that was always with him. Only this time, he had to say something. No words formed, he only managed to murmur a low unintelligible muttering before closing his mouth again, averting his eyes.
So he chose a safer option. He shook his head, wrapping his arms firmly around his wait. Protecting himself.
Simon sighed softly and Wille knew he wronged him. He didn’t deserve this silent treatment. But he just did not want to talk about it. There was nothing to talk about.
‘Wille...’
The way Simon said his name made him feel uncomfortable and comforted at the same time and he looked up again.
‘You have to open up, you have to let yourself grieve and process what happened. Especially now the cameras have left.’
Wilhelm clenched his jaw and tried not to let his facial expression betray anything else. He desperately wished he could just slip away from this conversation. And he had never wished that before while talking to Simon. But he knew Simon wouldn’t let him go now, not when he finally got him alone. Breathing got harder and he just resumed to stare at the other boy.
‘We only want to help you, you know, I just want to help you.’
He felt himself getting dizzy and his hands, that were hidden from Simon because they were still wrapped around his waist, balled up. He could hear his heart hammering in his ears and he felt as if he was suffocating.
‘I— just want to let you know that you’re not alone. You can talk to me, Wille.’
He bit his lip, which was bloody anyways and tried to distract himself from the kindness he didn’t want. He didn’t deserve.
‘Will you just say anything?’
Their eyes met and Simon held his gaze, still having that pleading look in his eyes. His brain had mulled over some thoughts and he was finally ready to formulate the words.
‘There’s nothing to say.’
——
2.
He hated his parents, he hated talking to them and he hated what they did to them. It was as if everything had landed in the past few days and he couldn’t feel anything else but anger. Not just regular anger, but rage. Uncontrollable rage. And it was clearly visible in his surroundings.
The trash can, that used to stand neatly under his desk, was kicked aside, laying pathetically on its side. His towels were laying on the floor from where he had slammed them down yesterday night and a bottle of shampoo was thrown away and had ended at the other end of the room. Books were shattered through the space.
When he came from homework hour, he hurled his bag through the room as well, not even caring the slightest about what was inside. Nothing mattered anyways. He felt like screaming.
Knowing fully well he couldn’t, he crashed on his bed, breathing coming out irregularly. He choked out a sob and hid his face in his pillow. The material was rough against his face and the friction it gave was enough for him to break down into it. He curled himself around it, using it to muffle his sobs and screams and waited till it ebbed away. For now.
Because the anger didn’t cease. It build up and up and only was slightly less when he was at school. Or he was just better at hiding it there. It was as if all his bottled-up anger was finally spilling over. Because everything was just so unfair.
Erik died and it was so fucking unfair.
He was able to say it right now. He didn’t deny it anymore. He just didn’t know who exactly he was more angry with. Erik or himself.
Erik had promised to always protect him, to never leave him and to take care of him. Then where the fuck was he right now? How was he allowed to leave everything behind and let him deal with this whole crown shit? But above all, he was angry with himself. Because he knew that he would never be as good as Erik had been. As good of a leader, as good in social situations, or even close to live up to his parents’ standards.
He didn’t know what he did to deserve it.
He never said any of this out loud. Knowing how twisted it sounded and he wasn’t even sure if he could bring under words how conflicted he felt and if people would understand his anger towards his dead brother as well. He just had to deal with it.
And so he had tried everything to get it out of his system. Taking a hot shower, taking a cold shower, (accidentally) smashing a cup through his room, sleeping it off, making tons of homework to distract his mind, but none of it had worked so far.
So when he walked out of class on Thursday, he felt it build up again. They had talked about shit he didn’t care about and had asked him as ‘the crown prince’ about his opinion, which he didn’t really want to give, but was forced into. He tried to give a good explanation and stuff, but it took him everything to not lash out at his classmates.
They had felt it, though. His anger. But no one ever asked anything about it. Wille couldn’t really blame them as he probably would’ve avoided himself too. He quickly got into his room and changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt. He was going to discover if he could maybe run his anger away.
He hadn’t run since Erik had passed and he instantly felt that. His legs felt stiff and he had to get used to all the fresh air he was getting. He didn’t go outside that often anymore, although he knew he should.
The wind blew against his face, cold and harsh and it made everything feel more clear. More distinct. And so he kept running, not really aware of where he was running to, overwhelmed with everything that came up the more steps he took.
He ran until he couldn’t breathe anymore.
Until he actually couldn’t breathe.
His heavy breathing turned into gasps for air and his eyes became unfocused, turning the world into and undistinguished blur of colours. As much as he tried, his lungs just wouldn’t fill with oxygen anymore and he felt like choking. Maybe he actually was.
His hands found the nearest tree and he leaned against it like it was the only thing that held him upright, which it probably was right now. He vaguely knew he was almost off the school grounds, but he was too desperate to gulp in air to clearly know where he was.
‘Wille?’
He vaguely heard someone saying his name but he was too out of it to actually answer the person.
‘Shit, Wille!’
Hands were suddenly on him, gripping his shoulders to get him away from the tree, arms holding him upright. Dark curls and a worried face came into focus and Wille recognized Simon. Of course it was Simon. It was always him.
‘Come on, you have to breathe.’
He tried to answer but only managed to splutter a weak ‘can’t’. God, he hated this. His body wasn’t functioning and he felt himself fall over, the back of his hand scratching the tree until he only felt a sting.
He blinked his vision clear again, fighting against the tears that had suddenly appeared in his eyes. Tears of all his bottled up frustration and anger. They were threatening to finally spill over, but for some reason wouldn’t already fall down his cheeks.
‘Come on,’ Simons voice cut through the air again, ’try to match my breathing.’
He felt Simon grab his hand, the one that didn’t sting and hold it against his chest.
‘Please, you can do this.’
He wanted to lash out. Wanted to scream to Simon that in fact, he couldn’t do this. And he certainly didn’t want to. And that his life was so fucking unfair but nobody seemed to understand. But instead, the following words left his lips, barely hearable.
‘He’s gone…’
He felt Simon stop moving for a second, completely still under the hand that was still on his chest.
‘Wille...’
‘He’s really gone and he’s not coming back. I— I need him to come back.’
Now that he had finally said it out loud, he felt the anger flare up and die down within two breaths. He was too tired to fight. His muscles relaxed and he somewhat collapsed into the other boy, no longer concealed sobs wrecking through his body.
‘I need h-him to come b-back because I don’t kn-ow what to do.’
He didn’t know how they got back to his room. He didn’t know if he walked there or if Simon dragged him there of that he had gotten someone else to get them there. But they got there and it was quiet.
The silence was almost unbearable, something that didn’t happen that often between them. They were sitting on the edge of the bed Wille was using, across from the bed he didn’t. Willes elbows were on his knees, head in his hands and Simon was drawing circles on his back, slowing and stopping every now and then.
His sobs had died down a while ago but his hand still stung. It was grazed by the tree and he knew he should clean it now he was thinking properly again, but he didn’t want to get up. Also, he was sort of waiting for Simon to speak up. Which didn’t take that long.
‘What were you doing, Wille?’
‘Running,’ he mumbled, not looking up.
‘I didn’t know you had practice on Thursdays.’
‘I don’t.’
‘Then— what were you really doing?’
Simon knew him too well that he didn’t like running that much to do it voluntarily on his free afternoon and he hated him for that right now. It meant he couldn’t lie about it. He felt the anger flare up again and this time, he actually let it win.
‘I don’t know,’ he said harshly, hating to see Simon flinch just the tiniest bit. ‘I don’t fucking know what I’m doing.’
‘I’m just so angry at myself because I know I can’t do this and I’ll never be good enough for this and I hate Erik because he just fucking left me with this. And… and…’
He was pacing the room now while talking louder and louder and sucked in a breath before finishing off his last sentence.
‘And you always make it sound so easy, but it’s not. It’s not, okay?!’
One look at Simon told him that he was taking in everything he had said. A frown had appeared between his eyebrows and his eyes were locked onto Wille, watching him a little taken aback.
Wille remembered how much Simon hated people raising his voice against him, but he would apologize later. The screaming wasn’t meant at him, he was just the only person who he knew would at least try to understand his part.
He took another breath before opening his mouth again, this time making sure not to talk that loud.
‘Because no one wants to hear how I feel. They want to see me grieving and being grateful because now it’s my chance to be a good crown prince, to honor Erik. But all I really feel is this anger. I’m just so angry.’
Hit fist hit the wall next to him while tears welled up in his eyes and Simon disappeared into a blur once again.
‘And I tried to sleep it off, fight it off and literally anything you can think of. But I didn’t work. So today I tried running.’
A sob escaped him instead of the next sentence and he hated himself so so much in that very moment. He just wanted out. He didn’t want this anymore. His sobs got more and more violent and with every breath a new one escaped. He spun around, making contact with the wall again and was about to go in for a third blow when Simons hand grabbed his arm, holding it tightly.
Strong arms wrapped around him and he fought to free himself of them. Not wanting to be held but at the same time feeling that that was the only thing that held him together. His muscles strained against Simons but the tiredness was seeping in and he knew he wouldn’t win this one.
‘It’s just not fair,’ he managed to bring out, slowly letting the struggling go but voice still louder than normal and sounding a bit hoarse at the same time. ‘It’s just not fucking fair.’
And then he let himself break down in Simons arms, knowing he couldn’t hold it up any longer now someone was finally listening to him. Acknowledging without interruption what he was feeling. The sobs wrecked his body, making his back hurt and his lungs tighten, letting him struggle for air. He completely drowned in them, but Simon made sure he didn’t get lost. The arms around him grounding him enough for him to go down but know that he would also come back up.
He didn’t know how long they stood there. At least until his legs couldn’t hold him anymore because that was the moment he unwrapped himself only to sit down on the edge of the bed again, like nothing had changed since they had entered the room.
He was so utterly tired, so drained that he didn’t even manage to stay upright. He let himself fall on his side, curling himself up in a ball and stared into the room with eyes that didn’t see anything.
‘Do you want me to go?’
He looked up to lock his eyes with Simons questioning ones and shook his head.
‘Okay,’ Simon said softly, making his way over to the bed as well and sitting down on it, back against the wall.
Wille moved towards him as soon as he sat down, resting his head in Simons lap and he immediately felt the fingers of the other boy stroking his hair. He let out one last shaky breath before letting everything be.
——
3.
Willes week had been incredibly busy. As his anger had moved away, he just tried to be a good crown prince. Because if he did the absolute best he could, things would be okay, right?
Erik would be proud of him. His parents would appreciate him and the people who watched him regularly would think he was a good successor.
So he went to meetings, making sure he was bit early instead of right on time. He paid a little more attention to dressing up so he was always looking a bit better than he normally did. He smiled and acted kind and empathetic and just wanted to let everyone see that he was doing good. That this was his tribute to his dead brother.
Even in school, he had changed. He suddenly found his grades more important, even though they had been fine before. He dived into his homework more excessively and made sure to answer a few questions every now and then so the teachers noticed him more.
He tried to make up for everything Erik had had and he lacked. Trying to show everyone that he was more than capable, while at the same time trying to revive a piece of Erik in himself.
But it was exhausting. Because it wasn’t who he was.
‘Do you think people like me?’ He asked Simon, when they finally had some time together again, which was harder since most of Willes time was dedicated to crown business these days. They were laying on the ground in Willes bedroom, trying to prepare for their upcoming math test tomorrow which also kicked off their test week.
Brown eyes studied him before Simon answered with a question in return.
‘As the crown prince? Or as a person?’
‘Both, I think?’ Wille said, frowning since he hadn’t really given that a thought himself.
Simon shrugged. ‘I think they do, but I’m not really reading the news or magazines.’
He locked their eyes before he continued.
‘But I believe they pity you as well, being young and still in school and then such a tragedy happens…’
Willes frown deepened a little when he heard that. Maybe the front he was putting up wasn’t good enough then. His thoughts immediately went to Erik again. What if he also was thinking that, yes he was trying but no, it wasn’t good enough? Was if everyone was actually thinking that?
‘Wille? I can almost hear you thinking all the way up here.’
‘It’s nothing.’
He picked up his pencil again, focussing himself on his math book again without actually seeing any of the assignments in them. From the corner of his eye, he saw Simon look at him for a bit longer before he as well returned his attention to his book.
Between the noises of pencils scribbling on paper and the turning of paper, Wille sighed, ticking the back of his pencil against his book over and over, trying to wrap his brain around a particular difficult math exercise when a hand suddenly snatched the pencil out of his own.
‘You’re making me nervous with your ticking,’ Simon joked, softly tapping Willes cheek with the back of the pencil, smiling softly at him.
‘Sorry, I zoned out,’ Wille said. He gazed over his textbook, frowning worriedly before holding his hand out to Simon for his pencil.
‘Don’t worry, you’re gonna do just fine. You’ve passed everything till now.’ Simon said, poking Willes hand before rolling the pencil onto it.
‘Just fine isn’t good enough anymore,’ he said, averting his eyes from the ones opposite him.
‘No one expects you to do perfect, okay? You don’t have to put so much extra pressure on this.’ Simon said, but his convincing wasn’t enough to push the worries out of Willes head.
After a few days and nights of nonstop studying, he managed to get almost straight A’s on all this tests. On top of that, he did several meetings every week and fancy dinners on the weekend. When he finally lay in bed that Sunday night, he called Simon. Just because he wanted to hear his voice.
The phone only rung two times before he picked up.
‘Hej Wille.’
‘Hi.’
They chatted for a bit, mostly talking about Simons weekend because Wille couldn’t bring himself to talk about his. Tiredness seeped through him while listening to Simons stories, making him feel calm after another long week.
‘You still there?’ Simon asked after he hadn’t said something for quite some time.
‘Yeah, sorry, I was just listening to you.’
‘What are you thinking about?’
Even when Simon couldn’t see his face, he was always able to read him. Wille still didn’t know he if he loved or hated it.
‘I’m just constantly wondering if I’m doing enough…’ He really disliked how doubtful he sounded but it was what he was feeling.
Silence fell and just as he was about to say something else, Simon spoke up.
‘Can I be honest?’
Wille swallowed before nodding, forgetting that the other boy couldn’t see that.
Simon took the silence as a yes and continued.
‘You’re working so hard, Wille, and I’m actually really worried about you.’
He heard some shuffling and could almost see Simon sit up a little straighter, as he always did when he wanted to make a point about something important.
‘Because I think this is just your way of coping, which I get, because we all need a certain way of coping trough difficult things, but it isn’t healthy.’
Wille hated how right he was. Because he knew he was doing it. He was actually aware of it for once. As long as he kept on working, pleasing, going, he didn’t have to feel or think about what was really going on in his life. The fact that one of the most important persons was gone.
‘And I feel like you’re trying to do everything so well, for your parents, for Erik, but also for everyone in this goddamn country, that you forget to let yourself feel and let yourself be who you are.’
As he was taking it all in, he knew he should say something. React to it before Simon thought he was taking it badly.
‘Sorry, I—‘
‘Don’t be sorry, Simme.’
‘Oh.’
Wille sighed before opening his mouth again.
‘I know. I know what I’m doing but I feel like if I stop doing stuff, I break down. That it’s over, you know?’
He probably didn’t. But that didn’t matter right now.
‘And I can’t let that happen. I just can’t disappoint Erik.’
He listened closely to hear if Simon was gonna say anything, but he wasn’t. They just let the silence stretch between them, as if they were both needing time to process that statement and the honesty of it.
‘Just promise me you’ll reach out when you feel like you’re breaking down?’
Simons voice sounded tight, as if he wasn’t sure about what he was saying or if he just didn’t want to admit that the change was very big that he actually would break down sooner than later.
‘I promise.’
——
4.
Willes constant wondering about being good enough had stopped. Without noticing, he just stopped caring about it. He actually stopped caring about everything. The constant wondering of what if what it what if had made space for this is how it is and you can’t do anything about it and he had yet to decide which one he found worse.
Because he knew there was nothing he could change about the situation. He knew that and he was sure everyone around him knew it too. But it felt like the realization only settled in now. And it made him feel empty and useless.
It made him tune out in public more often than not and he tried to ignore the worried glances people threw him whenever that happened. He just couldn’t care to stay present. He wasn’t even sure it all mattered anyways.
So he spend most of his free hours inside his room, staring at the ceiling, pondering about what his life would’ve been if it had been different. His mind often blank but overrun by the weight of everything. At the same time, he was all too aware of the fact that he didn’t make a single effort to go out and be sociable, like a proper crown prince should do.
His Sunday morning had been quite good actually. He had been woken up to a beam of sunlight, reflecting on the wall next to his bed and he had looked at it for some time. He had actually thought it would be a good day, quietly making plans for a walk on the grounds. But soon after his shower, the motivation for the day disappeared as if washed away with the water. So he ended up back in his bed, on top of the covers, where he was still laying around three hours later but feeling rather miserable this time.
He didn’t go out for lunch and decided to ask Malin if she could get him some dinner, claiming that he wasn’t feeling so good and convincing her that he needed a break from all the socializing he had done in the past days. He saw the worry in her eyes when he took a plate from her, but told her everything was fine but that he might need another day off.
Night fell and he wasn’t even tired enough to fall asleep, even though he felt exhausted. Feeling lonely was draining and while staring at the ceiling he realized that everyone always had someone else than him. His mom had his dad, his friends had other friends, Simon had his family. Who did he have?
The feeling stuck in his throat and even though the tears were behind his eyes, they didn’t fall. Numb was the only right word he could describe himself as. When finally sleep came to him, he was left curled up on his bed, arms around himself, being as small as possible as if not allowing himself to take up even more space than this.
The following morning, he woke up to a text from Simon asking if he was feeling okay, but he didn’t have it in him to respond to it. Instead, he turned off his very optimistically set alarm and turned his face back to the wall. He had promised Simon to reach out if it was too much, but more often than not, he found it too hard to actually do so. He didn’t want to bother him.
Roughly halfway through the morning, Wilhelm decided that he could at least make his bed and sit on top of the covers instead of laying underneath them the rest of the day which turned out to be a very good decision in seemingly pretending to be okay later that day. He was just scrolling through instagram for the umpteenth time in a weak attempt to distract himself, when he heard a quiet knock on his door.
‘Wille?’ Simons voice sounded slightly subdued by the door that separated them. ‘Can I come in?’
He sat up a little straighter against the wall, pulling his knees up to his chest, before answering.
‘Yeah, sure.’
The door opened and Simons head sporting a soft smile popped around the corner.
‘Hej.’
‘Hi.’
Wilhelm forced himself to smile back even though he felt it didn’t reach his eyes. But why bother? Simon would prick through it within seconds anyways.
He turned around, talking to someone Wilhelm couldn’t see before reappearing with two plates in his hands.
‘I brought us dinner.’ Simon said with a hint of triumph in his voice.
Wilhelms eyes widened in surprise as he watched the other boy enter his room, closing the door with his hip since his hands were full. Joy mixed with guilt as he remembered that he hadn’t even responded to Simons text, but apparently that hadn’t stopped him from coming.
He noticed how Simon looked around for a spot to put the plates, so Wilhelm quickly cleared his nightstand and sat back down in his corner.
‘Is it okay if I join you on the bed?’ Simon asked, obviously aware of Wilhelm gloomy mood and therefore checking if he needed space or not. He had seen Wilhelm like this before and after that they had talked about it when he was ready, looking for mutual understanding as well as ways to cope with situations like these, which had turned out to be very useful.
Wilhelm nodded his head in response, pulling up his knees again as if there wasn’t more than enough space already. Simon made himself comfortable, crossing his legs, seemingly unbothered by the whole situation.
‘Did I miss anything today?’ Wilhelm forced himself to ask. His anxiety always peaked when being unresponsive to people he cared about.
‘Not really, just the usual bullshit about who kissed who at this weekends party and a bit of homework in math class.'
He hummed and listened to Simons summary of his average schoolday. While talking, Simon moved to pick up the plates and gave one of them to Wilhelm.
Although he hadn’t really eaten anything that day, he wasn’t necessarily hungry. He tended to loose his appetite when he felt overwhelmed or lonely but his rational side knew he had to eat at least one meal.
But even in Simons presence, the hollow feeling in his chest he couldn’t quite explain didn’t go away. The silence in the room was louder than their normal, more comfortable silence and Wilhelm was pricking apathetically in his food.
‘I don’t want to push you, but you gotta eat something.’ Simon suddenly broke the silence and only now Wilhelm noticed that the other boy had been observing him for a while.
‘I’m not really hungry.’ He said in a low voice, avoiding Simons eyes.
‘You know you will feel worse if you don’t eat.’
He nodded in response. He knew. His throat and chest still felt really tight, but he somehow managed to get a bite or three down. When he had eventually finished half of his meal, he pushed the plate away from him, pulling his knees up again. Simon picked it up and set it aside, reaching for the glass of water on the nightstand and handed it to him. When he also took a few sips of that, he looked up to meet Simons eyes again.
‘Do you want to talk about something?’ Simon asked, not sounding entirely sure of the question. He had finished his dinner by now and stacked his plate underneath Willes.
Wille just shrugged, not really wanting to but knowing he should.
‘It’s all just— was a bit much, I suppose,’ he started, looking down at the glass in his hand, drawing circles on it with his thumb. ‘You know, the formalities of last week and then school and then Sunday came and I just felt so lonely?’
He noticed how his voice got more and more quiet the longer he talked, as if he wasn’t sure about speaking his thoughts out loud.
‘Everyone seems to have someone, family or friends or someone else, and then there’s me. Because the only person who I actually had, is gone.’
It sounded pathetic and he knew that. He also knew that it wasn’t really true, that his mind was making things up. But that didn’t fix the hole he felt in his chest. The empty feeling that didn’t seem to go away.
‘You have me as well, you know.’
Wille flicked his eyes up again, meeting the brown ones underneath a small frown.
‘But you have your mom, and Sara. And Ayub and Rosh.’
‘And I also have you, and you have me.’ Simons voice sounded stern but soft, like he was really trying to convince him but not wanting to force it into his head. Giving him space as well. He didn’t really know what to respond other than a soft, mumbled okay.
To give himself something to do, he drank the rest of his water and watched how Simon took the glass out of his hand after that. He scooted over to sit next to him against the wall before he spoke up again.
‘You are really, really not alone, Wille, no matter how it feels sometimes.’
Again, he didn’t really answer. Instead, he leaned into Simons side, wanting him to hold him as close as possible. He felt the arms sneak around his waist and he let himself sink in the embrace.
‘And I told you that you can always reach out, remember? And I’ll always come check on you.’
‘I know.’
‘Then why didn’t you?’ Simon asked carefully.
Wille shrugged. ‘I don’t want to bother you.’
‘You’re never bothering me. You’re worrying me more by disappearing.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be, I get it okay, just— let me be there for you? You don’t have to do it all by yourself.’
Wille nodded, fumbling his fingers since he didn’t have anything else to do with his hands. Until Simon laced his with his own. He had lost count on how many times Simons fingers had interrupted his nervous fiddling, but he was again thankful for it.
He let Simon pull him in, enveloping him wholly, probably not even aware that he was the only one who made the darkness get a little less dark every now and then.
——
5.
The days sometimes still blurred together and Wille still spaced out every now and then, but he did try to get out there more often. He hung out with his friends, sometimes getting slightly annoyed by how careful they still treated him but appreciated them so much for just letting him be and accept them in whatever state amongst their midst.
Harde days came and went, especially when Eriks birthday came up and things were expected from him while all he wanted to do was hide and let himself drown. It were those days that reality caught up with him like a splash of cold water, hitting him square in the face, making him aware of his reality again.
On those days, Simon was there. To keep him company, made sure he went on with his day to day life, have dinner with him and all the other small things that were normal to do when he actually felt okay.
He wondered sometimes, if it would ever come natural to him, being a public figure. Being the crown prince. He didn’t think so. He still got anxious right before events, couldn’t sleep properly before big ones and his parents still found the crown more important than his mental health, but he believed he was getting there. Or at least he was coping.
He also didn’t stay inside all the time. He went out, Malin always in his wake. He’d go alone, or with Simon, walking infinite circles around the lake, trying to clear his head and get himself ready for another week, day, hour.
When spring was finally arriving, after a dark and grey winter, Simon walked with him on a silent Friday afternoon before springbreak. They didn’t talk much, their hands casually swinging back and fro between them. Stolen moments like these made it worth it.
‘Can I say something?’ He asked, looking sideways at Simon, who hummed in responds. His thumb rubbed Willes hand, as if feeling the tension and wanting to make it leave or at least offer some comfort and Wille swore that there was no one else who was so in touch with him besides Simon.
‘Thank you for staying,’ he said, smiling a tiny but genuine smile. His throat felt tight, but he was used to speaking around that lump by now.
‘I won’t go anywhere.’ Simon said softly. He didn’t say much sometimes, but what he said was always genuine.
‘I know.’
And with that, Wille pulled Simon in in one swift movement, pecking him in the lips right in the middle of the forest, not even having checked if Malin was looking the other way. She probably knew by now anyways.
Simon chuckled in surprise before his face lighted up.
‘I love you so much.’
‘I love you too, Simme.’