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Never before had a piece of paper felt so heavy. He had discarded the envelope quickly, had let it float to the ground in favor of the letter within but he couldn’t bring himself to actually read the words. Oddly enough, he felt bad for the envelope, for leaving it lying there ignored when it had contained something so important that he wasn’t even brave enough to look at properly.
What a sight he must have made. Standing there in the dusty apartment that had once been his home - no matter how much he’d hated it -, holding a paper with hands that were clammy with sweat. He felt a bit faint but he refused to let his knees buckle under the weight of the unknown.
“Derek?” Stiles’ voice was gentle but Derek still startled, having forgotten he was there, “You alright?”
Never. Derek wanted to scoff but he hadn’t been able to catch his breath since he recognised the neat scrawl of the handwriting on the paper. He didn’t even need to read her words for him to be rendered stupid in his grief.
He and Stiles had come to New York so the younger man could see his college options in the state and Derek had mentioned that he still owned his and Laura’s apartment in the city, and that they could stay there for the visit. It hadn’t crossed his mind that the apartment had stood untouched for years by then, and as he and Stiles did their best to clean the space up, Derek had picked up the huge collection of mail on the floor.
And that’s where he had found the letter addressed to him.
Laura had sent him a letter before she died and Derek never knew. He had been sure that their phone call had been their last ever interaction but here there was something more, waiting for him. It terrified him even as it made something disgustingly warm bloom in his chest.
They had fought during that last call. Derek had been angry about her going back to Beacon Hills, and Laura had been angry at him for being angry. It wasn’t a bad fight, mostly just snippy comments being thrown back and forth, and that was at least somewhat of a comfort. Derek doesn’t think he would have been able to live with the guilt of having said something truly horrible to his sister before she died on top of everything else.
But why had she sent him a letter?
Had she known she was going to die?
If she had, Derek would never forgive her. It didn’t matter that one was supposed to honor the dead. He would never forgive her if she had known she was going to leave him. He had barely been able to forgive her for dying in the first place, and if she had known…
He shook his head and tried to focus on the letter. It might give him the answers but he was scared and his vision was blurry, his mouth dry. Vaguely, he was aware that Stiles had come closer and when he grabbed hold of Derek by his shoulders and pushed him back and down, Derek let him without an ounce of resistance. The couch was just as lumpy and uncomfortable as he remembered, and he was struck by the memory of him and Laura curled up on it together on the nights when they were both woken up by nightmares.
“I didn’t know she had sent me a letter.” Derek told Stiles, his voice was rough and he nearly choked on the words.
“What does it say?” Stiles asked, sitting down next to him.
“I don’t know.” Derek felt pathetic. “I can’t read it.”
Stiles didn’t say anything for a long while. Instead he sat there, a silent support that Derek didn’t know what to do with. This wasn’t why they had come here. This trip was for Stiles and his future and now Derek’s past was once again ruining things. Derek was ruining things. Like he always did.
“Do you want me to read it for you?” Stiles asked, not a single hint of judgment or annoyance in his voice.
Derek nodded but when Stiles reached for the letter, he couldn’t get his fingers to let go of it. Stiles squeezed his wrist gently and then inched closer to him on the couch and leaned over a bit so he could see the text.
“Hey Derek-” Stiles started to read and the tears that had gathered in Derek’s eyes fell without his permission. He didn’t bother to wipe them away. Couldn’t have even if he wanted to, he couldn’t let go of the letter. “You told me I wasn’t allowed to call you unless there was an emergency so I’m sending this instead. I’ll probably be on my way back by the time you get this, so remember me respecting your boundaries for once when I get back and quit being a grumpy bitch.”
Even though it was Stiles that was reading, Derek could hear Laura in the words. She had been petty enough to send a letter just because Derek had snapped at her not to call him before he hung up. It made him make a noise that was half a sob, half a laugh. Stiles paused and Derek could feel his eyes on him but he didn’t look up. Instead, Derek finally found the courage to look at the letter properly and he couldn’t really read through his tears but he allowed himself to take in the little he could see. The messy scrawl of her handwriting, the little heart she had drawn in the left corner of the page.
“Don’t forget to water Gregory.” Stiles started to read again and Derek sucked in a shaky breath, “If he’s dead when I get back I’m gonna kill you and make you do the dishes for the next two months.” Stiles chuckled a little before continuing, voice a bit more careful then, “I’m sorry for going home without telling you but I felt something and I had to check. I didn’t think you were ready to go back yet. There is something going on here though, and I’ll come and get you and we can look into it together. Love, Laura.”
They sat in silence for what felt like an eternity. Stiles was still holding Derek’s wrist and it felt like it was the only thing keeping him tethered to the world. It was such a short letter but it held so much of Laura in it. Her pettiness, her humor and teasing. Her care and dedication to what she thought was important; their old home, and Derek.
“I didn’t water Gregory.” Derek said as he leaned over to place the letter safely on the side table with a trembling hand
And then, he burst into proper tears. He’d had years to come to terms with Laura’s death but grief was funny like this, coming back to trip you up or sucker punch you in the gut and leave you gasping for air and stumbling on it. The relief that Laura hadn’t left expecting to die was immense, but it also meant she hadn’t even suspected that her life would be in danger. She had plans. She had things she had wanted to do and would never get to do. She had wanted to return to Derek.
She hadn’t meant to leave him all alone.
Stiles wrapped an arm around his shaking shoulders and rubbed his arm comfortingly and Derek hoped that Laura could see this. Could see that her little brother wasn’t alone even if she wasn’t with him any longer.