Chapter Text
The current location was Union Station in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
“This …is Toronto, the capital of a province in the overly-polite nation of Canada!” Your favorite host, Don, began while standing on the roof of Union Station. “Beneath my manly-sized schlong, 128 teams are arriving at this train station ready to embark on a race around the world…and maybe even outside of it a little! Hi, my name is Don, and this…is…THE REALLY SHITTY RACE!!!” An intro sequence followed.
“Welcome to The Really Shitty Race!” Don began. “Right now, 128 teams from around the globe are readying themselves to embark on a master race…”
Chatter could be heard in Don’s earpiece.
“…I can’t use that term? Fine. Let’s meet the teams that are racing in this superior race!”
The first duo were a man in his late 30s/early 40s with his 12-year-old son. The man had short brown hair and glasses while his son had short blonde hair.
“Hank Hill and his son Bobby from King of the Hill, the Father and Son.”
Interview room: Father and Son
“This is my son Bobby.” Hank introduced. “I raised him to be a competitive man!”
“In my spare time, I like to…” Bobby began, before being cut off by Hank.
“…Play football and help around the house!” Hank finished.
“That’s not what I was going to say…” Bobby said.
“Trust me, son!” Hank began. “If you’da spent all your time doin’ athletic activities and whatnot, you’d be even better prepared for what’s ahead!”
</end interview>
The second duo were sitting in the train smoking and passing a blunt. One had long blond hair and baggy clothes, while the other wore a backwards cap, had a thick beardstache, and wore a black hoodie with jorts (jean shorts).
“Jay and Silent Bob from the Askewniverse, the Stoners!”
Interview room: Stoners
“Man, Silent Bob and I are so tight!” Jay began. “You don’t wanna fuck with us! You sure as hell don’t want to get in between us and our weed! Wait…what are we doing again?”
Silent Bob did a running gesture to remind Jay that they were in a race.
“A race? Oh yeah. Yeah we can win this race for sure! Woo-hoo!” Jay raised his fist in the air upon saying ‘woo-hoo’. “Me and Silent Bob, we owe our lives to racing! You see the first-” Cutoff.
</end interview>
The third duo were holding hands while sitting together on the train. One of them was a girl, about 17, with short brown hair and a casual schoolgirl outfit, and the other was a boy, about 17, with short red hair and a casual schoolboy outfit.
“Makoto Konno and Chiaki Mamiya from The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, the Time Leapers.”
Interview room: Time Leapers
“Chiaki and I have known each other for a very long time!” Makoto said. “If he has any problem with this reality show stuff, he can just ask me.”
“Uh…Makoto? I don’t think you have it any better than I do.” Chiaki said.
“Of course I do!” Makoto responded. “Sure we can’t leap back in time anymore, but we don’t need to!”
“Suuuure…” Chiaki said with uncertainty.
</end interview>
The fourth duo were a weird-faced, big-eyed, scary looking version of Barack Obama and a big-eyed bird-woman thing with long black hair.
“Obunga and Momo from the internet, the Big-Eyed Creeps.”
Interview room: Big-Eyed Creeps
Obunga and Momo each gave a deadpan stare into the camera eye.
</end interview>
The fifth duo were a Jamaican boy and a goth girl, both with past experience in reality TV.
“Gwen and DJ from Total Drama, the Reality TV Alumni.”
Interview room: Reality TV Alumni
“I’m not that close with DJ, let me be honest with you, but I had to pick somebody, and DJ is one of the few people from Total Drama that I can trust.” Gwen admitted.
“I’m a great teammate once you get to know me!” DJ assured. “I’m positive we will win!”
“Uh…yeah! That’s the spirit!” Gwen said nervously.
</end interview>
The sixth duo were a pair of soldiers. One was lying face down in the middle of the train aisle while the other was teabagging on top of him.
“Assault and Recon from Battlefield, the Objective Players.”
Interview room: Objective Players
“As the Objective Players, we swear to focus on the game and nothing BUT the game!” Assault insisted.
“Hey Assault. I just lost the game! OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH…” Recon shouted, before getting smacked in the face by Assault.
“OW!” Recon cried out.
</end interview>
The seventh duo were a high school boy and girl, clad in North High outfits. The girl had short brown hair with ribbons in it, and the boy had short brown hair, but no ribbons.
“Haruhi Suzumiya and Kyon from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, the Brigade Leaders.”
Interview room: Brigade Leaders
“Well, as we all know, Haruhi isn’t into ordinary humans.” Kyon noted.
“Hey, betcha I could sabotage all the other teams with my powers!” Haruhi shouted.
“…What powers?” Kyon asked.
“Oh you know.” Haruhi began. “We could win with the world revolving around…”
</end interview>
The eighth duo were two angel boys. One of them was dressed in a white toga and had brown hair while the other boy was in a black toga and had black hair. The dark one was smoking a blunt while on the train.
“Pit and Dark Pit from Kid Icarus, the Angel Brothers.”
Interview room: Angel Brothers
“I didn’t say or ask to be on this stupid show!” Dark Pit complained with his arms crossed.
“Dark Pit is super edgy.” Pit admitted. “Y’all knew that.”
“Yeah whatever.” Dark Pit scoffed. “Let’s just lose and get this over with.”
</end interview>
The ninth duo were two girls. One was some elf with blonde hair and the other was a princess with dark skin and green hair.
“Amalia Sheran Sharm and Evangelyne from Wakfu, the Adventuring Girls!”
Interview room: Adventuring Girls
“I think we might have adventured too far.” Amalia said. “I don’t recognize this environment at all.”
“It’s always good to explore and get out of your comfort zone!” Evangelyne said, attempting to encourage Amalia.
“I guess…” Amalia said, unsure of it all.
</end interview>
The tenth duo were two black-and-white monochrome men, both clad in 1920s attire. One had a small black hat and a mustache, while the other had no facial hair (barring the ‘brows) or any sort of hat.
“Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton, the Old Movie Stars.”
Interview room: Old Movie Stars
Buster Keaton could be seen talking, but only ragtime music could be heard. Shortly after, a card came up.
“My man Charlie and I are back in action and ready to win bookoo bucks! Plan to use it for good intentions such as my medical bills!”
Charlie Chaplin began panicking and searching for something in his pockets after Buster finished speaking. Buster asked Charlie a question, and then another card showed up.
“What’s the matter there, Charlie?”
Charlie popped out his medical bill and handed it to Buster for him to read. Buster looked at the medical bill, and his eyes went open wide. He asked Charlie another question, followed by another dialogue card.
“Goodness gracious that amount is insane! $5 million?!? What did you do?!?”
Charlie was blushing. Buster asked another question, another dialogue card popped up.
“I’m assuming that means you’d rather not say?”
Charlie nodded his head in shame.
</end interview>
The eleventh duo were an anthro bear with his 12-year-old human boy apprentice. The bear was snoring on the train. The boy was reading a book.
“Kumatetsu and Kyuta from The Boy and the Beast, the Master and Apprentice.”
Interview room: Master and Apprentice
“Now remember what I said about crybabies!” Kumatetsu reminded Kyuta.
“Not to worry. I am no longer a crybaby.” Kyuta assured. “I am man enough to do this race!”
“That’s my Kyuta!” Kumatetsu cheered. “Now, remember your fighting skills! Don may have taken away any and all weapons, but was unable to take away that sword in your soul!”
“That advice doesn’t help, Kumatetsu.” Kyuta said.
“YOU LITTLE BRAT WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?” Kumatetsu shouted.
</end interview>
The twelfth duo were two middle-aged men with political experience. One had a gray wig and colonial clothes while the other had black hair, including a beard, and was the American Civil War union president.
“George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, American Presidents.”
Interview room: American Presidents
“Four score and seven years ago, I dreamed of being in something like this.” Abraham Lincoln said.
“Cute. I’ve been dreaming about it since 1776!” George Washington boasted. “Step up your dreaming game, man!”
“Don’t make me kick you all the way down to the Mason-Dixon Line!” Lincoln threatened.
“Ooh, how scary!” George Washington said sarcastically.
</end interview>
The thirteenth duo were a pair of medieval soldiers. One was an infantry unit and the other was an archery unit.
“Champion and Crossbowman from Age of Empires 2, the King’s Soldiers.”
Interview room: King’s Soldiers
“Mandatum?” Champion asked.
“Yae?” Crossbowman asked.
“Battal!” Champion exclaimed.
“Yus!” Crossbowman exclaimed.
</end interview>
The fourteenth duo were two slutty angel sisters. One, who was sluttier than the other, had long, blonde hair and a red dress. The other was some cross between lolita and goth, with purple hair and a lolita/goth dress.
“Sisters Panty and Stocking Anarchy from Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt, the Anarchy Sisters.”
Interview room: Anarchy Sisters
“I came here to kick ass and suck some dick, and I’m all out of dicks!” Panty said.
“No, Panty. We’re here to beat a bunch of teams in a race for money.” Stocking insisted.
“Surely there’s some yummy meat along the way!” Panty said. “I imagine quite a sausage fest going on in this race!”
“Whatever. At least I have my sweets.” Stocking said, right before getting out and eating a slice of cake.
</end interview>
The fifteenth duo were two primates, an ape and a chimpanzee. The chimp had a red cap and a red shirt while the ape had a red necktie with the letters ‘DK’ on it.
“Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong from Donkey Kong, the Primates!”
Interview room: Primates
“Diddy and DK are gonna slam the others!” Donkey Kong said. “We will use our muscles and our tricks to slow the others down and speed us up!”
“That’s what’s up!” Diddy Kong said, clapping in joy.
“DK met Diddy back in 1998 when Diddy was gathering bananas and Diddy fell to the ground! DK helped Diddy up, and now, friends!” Donkey Kong recalled.
</end interview>
The sixteenth duo consisted of some mainstream metal frontman guy, complete with sunglasses, a backwards cap, and tattoos and whatnot, and his trusty clown trainer who would reward him with fast food.
“M. Shadows from Avenged Sevenfold and Ronald McDonald from McDonald’s, the Trainee and Trainer!”
Interview room: Trainee and Trainer
“Ronny and I have been working out this deal for a while now! I work out and get my fitness up, and he rewards me with the ever-delicious McDonald’s food!” M. Shadows explained. “…Ice cream, please?”
“Sorry.” Ronald McDonald began. “Ice cream machine broke.”
M. Shadows threw his hands up in rage and screamed.
“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…”
</end interview>
The seventeenth duo consisted of two kids, one boy and one girl. The boy had on a red shirt and a red cap, as well as red shoes and dark jeans. The girl had a white cap, a blue top, and a short skirt.
“Red and Leaf from Pokémon, the Pokémon Trainers!”
Interview room: Pokémon Trainers
“It kinda stinks we can’t bring our beloved Pokémon with us.” Red confessed.
“I think it’s fair.” Leaf added. “We’d only be cheating if we did.”
“That’s a good point, Leaf.” Red admitted.
</end interview>
The eighteenth duo were two lame-o dudes who worked in retail. One of them had black hair and was dressed in a green sweater, while the other guy was wearing a red jacket and a backwards cap while reading a porn magazine.
“Dante Hicks and Randall Graves from the Askewniverse, the Retail Clerks!”
Interview room: Retail Clerks
“I bet I’ll bust my ass pulling all the weight while Dante over here will just lug around.” Randall Graves said.
“Funny, I think quite the opposite will happen.” Dante Hicks said.
“Really? I’ve run a few marathons. I think my legs are good.” Randall said back.
“Doubt.” Dante responded.
“Dude, just because you haven’t seen it or otherwise been proven doesn’t mean it didn’t happen! Get a grip, man!” Randall said back.
Dante sighed. “I’m not even supposed to be here today.” He said.
</end interview>
The nineteenth duo were two black comedian dudes. One was bald and the other had short, poofy hair and glasses.
“Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele, aka Key & Peele, the Comedy Duo!”
Interview room: Comedy Duo
“So Key and I have built our image and reputation well by this point!” Peele said. “He sticks to comedy, and I’ve branched into horror!”
“Hey Peele!” Key began. “What’s your next film?”
“I know I shouldn’t be telling anyone yet, but I’m going to be doing a Disney remake!” Peele admitted.
“Woah! Really?” Key exclaimed. “What are you remaking?”
“I remade Song of the South!” Peele answered. “It’s dropping next February!”
</end interview>
The twentieth duo were another pair of sisters. One looked edgy and was eating a lemon and listening to music while the other simply sipped on her tea.
“Ryuko Matoi and Satsuki Kiryuin from Kill la Kill, the Honnouji Sisters!”
Interview room: Honnouji Sisters
“For obvious reasons, I will not activate Senketsu to help me in this race.” Ryuko confessed. “That’s cheating and blood loss.”
“For those same reasons, I’m not activating Junketsu either.” Satsuki confessed.
“We’ve got a big prize ahead of us and we will do anything to get it!” Ryuko said with excitement.
“…Except activate our uniforms.” Satsuki finished.
“Come to think of it…if we’re not going to be using our outfits, then why did we bring them instead of normal clothes?” Ryuko asked.
“Dunno.” Satsuki began. “Probably so people would recognize us.”
</end interview>
The twenty-first duo were a pair of superheroes who regularly fought crime. One had a blue outfit, while the other had a white outfit that made him look like a moth or a bunny or whatever he was supposed to be.
“The Tick and Arthur Everest from The Tick, the Superheroes!”
Interview room: Superheroes
“Former accountant mothy boi over here is in this race with me, and we best be putting everyone else to the test!” The Tick said.
“Please stop talking like that.” Arthur said.
“Spoon!” The Tick said.
“I guess that’s more like it.” Arthur said.
</end interview>
The twenty-second duo were from Class 1-A of some hero academy place. The one with dark purple hair stared out the window at the scenery, listening to her music and chugging Monster while the one with dark green hair was looking at her phone. They were in their casual outfits.
“Kyoka Jiro and Tsuyu ‘Froppy’ Asui from My Hero Academia, the Heroic Schoolgirls!”
Interview room: Heroic Schoolgirls
“We’re known for powers such as my frog-like abilities.” Froppy said.
“And I have the listening quirk.” Jiro added. “However, I do recall Don mentioning something about how we should only use our quirks for good and not cheat with them. Say, could you pass me those chips?”
“Sure thing!” Froppy said, before extending her tongue to reach something out of the camera’s view. The tongue came back with a bag of chips. Froppy handed the chips to Jiro.
“Thank you!” Jiro thanked. Froppy finished putting her tongue back in her mouth.
“You’re welcome.” Froppy said.
</end interview>
The twenty-third duo were two buff gunner men. One was wearing green armor while the other was wearing a giant Chex piece for armor.
“Doom Marine from Doom and Chex Warrior from Chex Quest, The WAD Gunmen!”
Interview room: WAD Gunmen
“I’m more hardcore than you, pal! You’re just with me because you like my style!” Doom Marine said.
“But we have similar tactics!” Chex Warrior mentioned. “And unlike you I crunch cereal like a CHAMPION!”
“Shut up!” Doom Marine snapped. “You’ll talk when you’ve defeated a big beast!”
“I have!” Chex Warrior admitted. “It’s the queen flemoid!”
</end interview>
The twenty-fourth duo were two police cadet women. One was black, slim, and had short brown hair, while the other was white, big, and had her brown hair in a ponytail.
“Sanders and MacArthur from Total Drama, the Police Cadets!”
Interview room: Police Cadets
“So this is like that other race we did, but with lots more people and challenges and stuff.” MacArthur said. “If you can’t do it, where are your balls?”
“I’m female, you know.” Sanders said, rolling her eyes.
“Figure of speech, Sanders!” MacArthur said. “Looks like my balls dwarf your balls!” Sanders facepalmed.
</end interview>
The twenty-fifth duo were two Sims; one woman and one man. They were a couple but had commitment issues.
“Pauline Wan and Hank Goddard from The Sims, the Sim Couple!”
Interview room: Sim Couple
Pauline and Hank spoke to each other, but it was all in Simlish. Word clouds appeared over their heads with pictures related to the race.
</end interview>
The twenty-sixth duo were a crazy scientist grandfather who dragged along his grandson for the race, as well as all his other adventures.
“Rick Sanchez and Morty Smith from Rick and Morty, the Grandfather and Grandson!”
Interview room: Grandfather and Grandson
“It’s already bad enough that Rick has to take me on yet another adventure, but a fucking race for money?!?” Morty asked. “What for, Rick?”
“Trust me, Morty.” Rick began. “Once we get all that money, there will be brighter days in your future, and I’ll have what I need during the final days of my life!”
“How do you know my days aren’t bright without this?!?” Morty asked.
“Morty, I’ve traveled to a possibility universe thinger where you’re a sad, sad adult.” Rick explained. “So if we win this race, we can stop that from happening!”
“Money can’t fix everything, Rick!” Morty protested. “It sure as hell can’t buy happiness!”
“So you’re saying financial stability won’t make you crack a smile?” Rick asked. “Stop being so pessimistic all the time and get a grip, Morty!” Rick took another chug from his flask.
</end interview>
The twenty-seventh duo were two professor brothers from the worst college in America. Both were balding. One had brown hair and a beard while the other had blond hair and glasses.
“Frank and Steve Smith from China, IL, the Professor Brothers!”
Interview room: Professor Brothers
“They say we come from the ‘worst college in America’, but hah! What do they know?” Frank Smith asked, annoyed.
“Uh, Frank? Who’s ‘they’?” Steve asked.
“Too many goddamn people, that’s who!” Frank answered.
</end interview>
The twenty-eighth duo were two old yellow men who worked in an elementary school. One had gray hair while the other was balding, but also had gray hair.
“Seymour Skinner and Gary Chalmers from The Simpsons, the Principal and Superintendent!”
Interview room: Principal and Superintendent
“Skinner truly is an oddfellow.” Chalmers began. “I can’t trust him 100%, but he’s still a pretty good principal.”
“I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable race!” Skinner said to Chalmers.
“Not really.” Chalmers confessed.
“Perhaps I could persuade you with some…Steamed Hams?” Skinner said, holding up a hamburger to Chalmers’ face. Chalmers slapped the hamburger out of Skinner’s hand. Skinner frowned.
</end interview>
The twenty-ninth duo were two housemates from New York City. One was a human, dressed in a business outfit, and the other was a zombie.
“Mark Lilly and Randall Skeffington from Ugly Americans, the Monstrous Men!”
Interview room: Monstrous Men
“Randall and I are stoked to be on this show!” Mark cheered. “Hey Callie, I love you!”
“I am dying to win first place with you!” Randall joked. Mark gave Randall a ‘…Really?’ face.
</end interview>
The thirtieth duo were a middle-aged billionaire and his loving devil husband. They were holding hands on the train.
“Bill Gates and Satan, the Perfect Couple!”
Interview room: Perfect Couple
“So, if you’re already a multi-billionaire, then why are you in this race?” Satan asked Bill Gates.
“So I can have even MORE money!” Bill Gates answered. “More money for Microsoft, more money for charities, and as we all know, money is the root of all evil!”
“Great point!” Satan added. The two laughed evilly before sharing a kiss.
</end interview>
The thirty-first duo were a primitive man wearing a loincloth and an ape. It was their shitty Canadian flash reboot incarnations.
“George of the Jungle (2007) and Ape (2007) from George of the Jungle (2007 series), the Jungle Men!”
Interview room: Jungle Men
“George is more than excited to take part in such a race!” George cheered. “Running and stamina are two of George’s strong points!”
“Meanwhile, I just do all the strength-related stuff and hope I don’t fall behind.” Ape added.
“What did Ape say?” George asked.
Ape sighed. “I said I just do all the…” The interview cut off.
</end interview>
The thirty-second duo were two Japanese highschool girls. One was sitting at the window seat taking selfies while the other was doing situps on the floor of the train aisle.
“Tomo Takino and Kagura from Azumanga Daioh, the Knuckleheads!”
Interview room: Knuckleheads
“Sup TV?” Tomo greeted. “I’m Tomo Takino and this is my big-boobed classmate Kagura!”
Kagura blushed while looking pissed.
“Did you have to introduce me like that?!?” Kagura asked.
“What?” Tomo began. “It is a fact after all. No need to deny the truth!”
“I’m Kagura and this is my small-brained classmate Tomo Takino!” Kagura said back.
“WHY YOU…” Tomo shouted.
</end interview>
Teams revealed so far:
1. Father and Son - Hank Hill and Bobby Hill (King of the Hill)
2. Stoners - Jay and Silent Bob (Askewniverse)
3. Time Leapers - Makoto Konno and Chiaki Mamiya (The Girl Who Leapt Through Time)
4. Big-Eyed Creeps - Obunga and Momo (Creepypasta)
5. Reality TV Alumni - Gwen and DJ (Total Drama Island/Action/World Tour)
6. Objective Players - Assault and Recon (Battlefield)
7. Brigade Leaders - Haruhi Suzumiya and Kyon (The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya)
8. Angel Brothers - Pit and Dark Pit (Kid Icarus)
9. Adventuring Girls - Amalia Sheran Sharm and Evangelyne (Wakfu)
10. Old Movie Stars - Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton (actors)
11. Master and Apprentice - Kumatetsu and Kyuta (The Boy and the Beast)
12. American Presidents - George Washington and Abraham Lincoln (United States presidents)
13. King's Soldiers - Crossbowman and Champion (Age of Empires 2)
14. Anarchy Sisters - Panty Anarchy and Stocking Anarchy (Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt)
15. Primates - Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong (Donkey Kong)
16. Trainee and Trainer - M. Shadows and Ronald McDonald (Avenged Sevenfold/McDonald's)
17. Pokémon Trainers - Red and Leaf (Pokémon)
18. Retail Clerks - Dante Hicks and Randal Graves (Askewniverse)
19. Comedy Duo - Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele (Key & Peele)
20. Honnouji Sisters - Ryuko Matoi and Satsuki Kiryuin (Kill la Kill)
21. Superheroes - The Tick and Arthur Everest (The Tick)
22. Heroic Schoolgirls - Kyoka Jiro and Tsuyu 'Froppy' Asui (My Hero Academia)
23. WAD Gunmen - Doom Marine and Chex Warrior (Doom/Chex Quest)
24. Police Cadets - Sanders and MacArthur (Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race)
25. Sim Couple - Hank Goddard and Pauline Wan (The Sims 3)
26. Grandfather and Grandson - Rick Sanchez and Morty Smith (Rick and Morty)
27. Professor Brothers - Frank Smith and Steve Smith (China, IL)
28. Principal and Superintendent - Seymour Skinner and Gary Chalmers (The Simpsons)
29. Monstrous Men - Mark Lilly and Randall Skeffington (Ugly Americans)
30. Perfect Couple - Bill Gates and Satan (real life/Bible)
31. Jungle Men - George of the Jungle (2007) and Ape (2007) (George of the Jungle (2007 series))
32. Knuckleheads - Tomo Takino and Kagura (Azumanga Daioh)