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It had only been a matter of time before Vi came apart.
But this, this wasn’t a simple crumble into dust. This was a painful tearing at the seams; rips forming where there weren’t even seams at all. She felt like a doll being torn apart, a careless child or animal getting ahold of her and mangling her to shreds. Each passing second had her fighting the urge to scream, to wail, to explode or combust. Demolition was imminent, but Vi wasn’t scared. She was fed up. She wanted it all to end. Everything was so loud; everything had been so loud for years and if death was the only salvation for silence, she accepted it willingly.
It had only been a matter of time.
Against the backdrop of her eyelids her vision swam with blue. So much blue.
Midnight blue.
Powder blue.
Terrified blue.
Purple-tinted blue.
Then suddenly everything was red. Too much red.
Blood red.
Red and blue mixing; no, the red overpowering the blue. Absorbing it like some kind of sick show.
It was too much red.
A scream tore unbidden from her throat, her knuckles collided with the floor, before her hands were in her hair and yanking desperately. She curled into a ball and howled in distress, yet despite the agonizing volume, she heard her name.
“Violet!”
Then, finally, she surrendered to the one color she desired.
Black.
Vi waits only three days after the attack on the Council before she tries sneaking out of the Kiramman house in the middle of the night. Caitlyn seemed to be in a much needed, heavy sleep as Vi carefully slides from the covers.
As soon as the window is open a crack, however, there it is.
“Vi?”
Said girl flinches, caught red-handed and already beginning to feel incredibly guilty—for what, she has an ongoing list to choose from.
“I need to find her, Cupcake. I need to fix this.”
Caitlyn had slowly been making her way over to Vi and carefully reaches out for her hand. Vi instantly latches on, needing to stay grounded as her mind crashes and roars, trying so hard to displace her from what little hold she still has on herself.
“Vi, as much as it pains me to say this, I don’t think you can,” Caitlyn tells her rigid back. “Your sister is not the same girl you once knew, but that is not your fault. What happened to the Council is not your fault.”
“I left her all those years ago. If I hadn’t, Silco would have never gotten his claws in her.”
“You were abducted, Vi.”
“I still walked away first,” Vi mumbles stubbornly, bitterly. She has had seven years to come to terms with her guilt, yet even with her acceptance, it liked to come back and taunt her every chance it got.
“You were just a child,” Caitlyn insists.
“I was old enough to handle it better.”
Caitlyn huffs behind her before Vi allows the topsider to spin her around. Dejectedly, Vi refuses to look at the girl trying so desperately to save her from herself. It’s only when Caitlyn cups Vi’s cheeks gently, reverently does steel grey lock onto ocean blue.
“None of this is on you, Vi,” Caitlyn rebukes just as stubbornly. “You want to play the blame game? Then I’m just as much to blame for the Council. I could have ignored your desperate pleas and shot Jinx.”
“But you didn’t because of me.”
It’s no use. Her sins have her in their clutches once more and Vi is just so tired of fighting.
“Vi-”
“You should listen to my sister, Cupcake. I think she’s onto something.”
A chill runs down Vi’s spine at the new voice which only brings on more shame. Regardless, Vi is instantly leaping away from the open window and placing herself between Caitlyn and Jinx.
Who would still be Powder if it weren’t for Vi.
She battles with herself on how to handle this. Does she keep her guard up and treat Jinx as the dangerous entity she created? Or is she docile and sees if she can reach Powder one last time?
“Powder?” Vi ends up nearly whispering, whether a conscious decision or years of conditioning, she’s not sure. “What are you doing here?”
Jinx rolls her eyes. “Sheesh, sis, did Fishbones really not do it for ya? Get it through that thick head of yours. Powder fell down a well.”
Vi takes a single step forward. “No. Y-You’re still in there, Powder. I can help you. I want to. I miss you.”
Perched on the windowsill like a cat ready to pounce, Jinx’s unsettling purple eyes glint, a nearly inhuman growl rumbling from her throat.
“Miss me?” She scoffs. “You left me. Shoulda thought of that beforehand, probably.”
Vi takes another step, swallowing the knot building in her throat, fighting back the burning in her eyes, the bile in her stomach.
“And I was wrong for that and I’m so sorry,” she starts. “I know things have changed; so much so that they’ll never go back to the way they were no matter how much and often I wish it. But, please give me a chance, Powder. If- If you truly want to go by Jinx, I-I can learn to call you that instead. I’ll do anything.”
Jinx’s eyes flash dangerously again, a lecherous grin building on her face. Vi swallows.
“Then get rid of Cupcake,” she all but orders. “I’ll forgive everything then.”
Vi can almost feel Caitlyn tense behind her and she only plants her feet firmer in place, gathers her wits.
“Anything but that,” she mumbles, not even able to look her sister in the eyes.
“Not this again,” Jinx groans, moving to lay down on the sill so casually it turns Vi’s stomach.
“We’re friends, Jinx,” Vi tells her, the dreaded alias clawing its way out of her mouth. “I care for her just like I do you. I won’t hurt her.”
“Just like?” Jinx barks a laugh which holds no humor, finally jumping from the window and into Caitlyn’s bedroom. “You refused to shoot her when your dear sister asked. You chose her twice over me on the bridge.”
Vi’s sigh is shaky and she knows she’s getting nowhere. She can’t simply cast off Jinx’s ire, but she refuses to put Caitlyn at risk again.
“Jinx,” she hears Caitlyn pipe up from behind her. “I promise I-”
“You shut your mouth, bitch,” Jinx spits with another glow of her eyes. “Or do I need to get your muzzle again?”
“Jinx, please,” Vi pleads, not trying to fight the desperation which laces her voice. “She has nothing to do with this!”
“She has everything to do with this! She took you from me!”
Every hair on Vi stands on end at the declaration.
No.
Jinx grins manically again, looking from Vi to Caitlyn with an expression surely picked up from Silco, and Vi loses even more hope for her sister.
No…
“And now I’m gonna take her from you.”
No!
Just like at the dinner party, Jinx disappears in a flash only to reappear behind Caitlyn in a single second. Vi barely has time to even turn around and only catches the dangerous gleam from the corner of her eye, her scream not even breaking free before Jinx gleefully and with no hesitation draws a knife quickly across Caitlyn’s throat.
“No!” Vi shrieks, frozen in fear as Caitlyn sinks to the ground, hand instantly at her throat. When her hand comes away stained in blood, she looks to Vi with unbridled panic.
“Jiiiiiinx!”
The cry is feral as it tears free and Vi springs into action, only to halt just as quickly. This is just another test, she realizes with a wave of dread. One final test. Does Vi pursue her sister or save Caitlyn?
The last nail is hammered into the coffin as Vi finds she’s not even surprised when she rushes to Caitlyn’s side. Her hands take over trying to staunch the bleeding and there’s already so much of it that Vi wants to vomit. She hears Jinx harumph behind her.
“Yeah, I figured,” she mumbles, upset yet resigned. “Unless you wanna join Cupcake, you’d be wise to cut me out of your life completely, here and now. We are no longer sisters, Vi.”
Then Jinx is gone, leaving only destruction in her wake yet again.
“Caitlyn, Caitlyn. Hey,” Vi’s muttering to Caitlyn’s fluttering eyelids. She tries to move one hand to gently tap Caitlyn’s cheek to keep her conscious, but that only allows blood to spurt and splatter across Vi’s cheeks. Both hands go back to the wound and she raises her voice instead. “Caitlyn, you gotta stay awake, okay?”
She just barely registers the sound of pounding footfalls coming down the hall and had completely forgotten about Caitlyn’s parents being home. All she is aware of is all the blood. So much of it.
Caitlyn’s blood.
“Help! In here!” Vi cries just as Caitlyn’s bedroom door is slammed open by her father.
“By Janna…”
Caitlyn’s mother hobbles in seconds later with the help of a cane only to immediately drop it as she shrieks, collapsing in a heap similar to her daughter.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Vi repeats like a mantra, her voice breaking more and more with each utterance.
“Violet, we need to get her to a hospital now,” her father speaks softly yet stern as only a father can.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”
Tobias’ hands on her cheeks rouses Vi back to semi-coherence, but the tears she was fighting back immediately break free as she stares into blue eyes the same as the ones that are becoming more and more vacant on the ground.
“You’ve done well to slow the bleeding, but it will only stop with immediate care or until she bleeds out.” Vi shakes from the man’s bluntness. “Cass is alerting the enforcers and a medical team is on the way. Once they arrive, I want you keeping pressure the entire time, alright? Do not let up, do you understand?”
Vi silently nods, forcing the tears to stop and her panic to ebb. She looks down at Caitlyn who’s staring back up at her with half-open, glazed eyes. She opens her mouth but barely makes a noise before it turns into a gurgle and more blood trickling from her mouth. It just brings more tears to Vi’s eyes and she knows she’s fighting a losing battle.
“Sshhh, Cupcake, I’ve got you,” she soothes, hoping to convince Caitlyn and herself. “Don’t try to talk, okay? Just- You focus on staying awake. Your parents are here and we’re gonna get you to a hospital and you’re g-going to be f-fine.” Vi chokes on a sob. “You’re going to be fine.”
If it were anyone else in Caitlyn’s place on the floor, Vi might have been impressed with Piltover’s EMS response time as they come surging in before she knows it. They work around Vi as they secure Caitlyn to a hard stretcher board and repeat Tobias’ instructions to not let go of her. When everyone stands to make haste to the ambulance, Vi’s legs nearly give out and one technician tells her to climb onto the stretcher as well. Vi doesn’t refute and carefully swings one leg over Caitlyn’s waist, keeping her weight on her knees and off of the girl under her, all the while making damn sure her hands don’t move.
She can still see blood oozing between her fingers and can only hope they still have time.
To the medics’ credit, they carry Vi and Caitlyn out of the house and to the waiting ambulance like it’s nothing and then they are peeling from the drive, sirens blaring. The entirety of Piltover splits for them like Moses and the Red Sea. Vi focuses back on Caitlyn, surprised and relieved to find Caitlyn hasn’t taken her eyes off her. She tries her best cocky smile.
“Guess this is a bad time to point out the obvious that this is my first ride in an ambulance?”
Caitlyn manages a quick smile and Vi’s widens by a margin as she sniffs back more tears.
“You’re gonna be okay,” she repeats.
Caitlyn gives the slightest of nods and Vi can see the unyielding trust she has in the trencher wavering in ever-dulling eyes.
Vi shivers and takes a deep breath. She tries to distract herself, watching the medic who rides in the back with them as he hooks up various machines to Caitlyn. Vi recognizes the one keeping track of Caitlyn’s heart rate, but she comes up blank with everything else.
“What are you giving her?” she asks uncertainly, eyeing the clear liquid as it makes its way from an IV bag to the line that has been placed in Caitlyn’s arm.
“Pain medicine and antibiotics,” the young man answers. “Don’t be alarmed if she loses consciousness here soon. The meds are going to make her sleepy. Probably best she sleeps through all this anyway.”
Vi glances back to Caitlyn who indeed is fighting to stay awake. A shaky hand reaches out to grab onto Vi’s thigh, bunching the material of her pants into the lightest of fists.
Caitlyn is scared.
Wishing so desperately she could hold Caitlyn’s hand back, all she can do is utter another reassurance of, “It’s okay.” She looks back to the professional watching on. “What happens when we get there?”
“They’ll take her immediately into surgery to repair whatever damage has been done. The fact that she’s still alive, let alone awake, is very good, but we can’t be too sure.”
“Shouldn’t the blood have, like, c-clotted by now or something?” Vi asks, trying not to process how soaked Caitlyn’s front is or how sticky her own hands feel.
“It’s likely a branch of the aorta was hit, but you were smart to immediately apply pressure. You’ve slowed the blood flow substantially.”
“This is slow?” Vi balks.
The boy nods sagely. “You’d be surprised how fast someone can bleed out.”
“She’s going to make it, right?” Vi asks next, so pitifully she wants to chastise herself. “She’ll live?”
The technician shrugs. “Everyone handles surgery differently and it really depends on what they find once they’re in there. Like I said though, the fact that she remains conscious is a miracle in and of itself.”
Vi manages a small smile and a bit of pride floods her chest. Ever so carefully, she lets her thumb stroke Caitlyn’s chin. Caitlyn’s eyes are now closed, but she responds to the touch enough to keep Vi from outright panicking.
“She’s strong,” Vi mumbles.
As the hospital looms, Vi only wishes her optimism will last.
Right as they pull up to the emergency bay, Caitlyn finally loses her fight with consciousness, her hand going lax and head tilting to the side. Vi tries to recall the technician’s words and not fret, but the lax, peaceful look on Caitlyn’s face after so much frenetic panic is still jarring.
“Cait?” Vi croaks, simply hoping for a miracle.
She rides into the hospital on the stretcher as she had left the Kiramman manor and they bypass any obstacle until they are standing outside the doors to the OR, a team of doctors and nurses waiting. One man approaches Vi.
“I’ll take her from here,” he says kindly, slowly moving his hands to hover over Vi’s to show his intention.
Vi looks down at Caitlyn, at her hands which have been keeping the girl alive for who even knew how long now.
“I-I can’t go in?” Vi asks, almost whines.
Another man comes forward and places a gentle hand on Vi’s back.
“I’m Dr. Steinbach,” he begins. “Unfortunately, only authorized personnel can come into the operating room. Rest assured we will take good care of Miss Kiramman, but we must get her into surgery now.”
Vi gives a jerky nod before carefully getting off the stretcher. Thankfully, her legs don’t give out on her this time. She waits for the assistant to place his gloved hands over hers before removing them as well.
She can’t help feeling like letting go means she’s giving up on Caitlyn. Vi swallows the lump that had been steadily building in her throat since that fucking blade had been drawn as she watches Caitlyn be rushed through the imposing doors that could lead to her salvation or demise. Once she’s out of Vi’s sight, a single tear falls. She drags her hand across her face in an attempt to keep any more tears abated, only to remember too late Caitlyn’s blood covering her hands. Vi brings both of them into her field of view and stares at the red as they begin to shake. Soon, red is all she can see.
That’s how Caitlyn’s parents find her fifteen minutes later as they arrive at the hospital themselves. Carefully, Tobias approaches Vi.
“Violet?” he speaks softly. “Let’s get you cleaned up. I’ll see if the nurses can wash your clothes and let you wear a pair of scrubs in the meantime, okay?”
Vi’s mind is running a mile a minute and the white noise inside her head—her entire body—is so loud, but somehow she manages to follow Tobias in a daze, like her body is on autopilot and she’s just along for the ride. She knows she’s heavily disassociating as she watches herself change from above. She cringes once the baby blue scrubs are donned and she moves to the sink, washing her hands for a solid ten minutes to get every bit of Caitlyn’s blood off her hands before moving to her face.
This couldn’t be real life, right? The Vi that is moving about in a zombie-like fugue below her isn’t the real her. Caitlyn isn’t just down the hall and fighting for her life; that’s- That is crazy. But the adrenaline from Jinx’s appearance is slowly dwindling and Vi finds herself slowly lowering into the empty husk of a body below her. She panics and struggles in her descent. She doesn’t want to go back and have to face whatever is ahead; she doesn’t know if she’s strong enough to handle it.
She doesn’t know if she’s ever been strong enough for anything.
Vi hurls into the toilet before she emerges from the bathroom, finding Mr. Kiramman waiting for her. Numbly, she comes to a stop in front of him, arms wrapping around herself and the crisp, sterile scrubs.
“Now what?” she asks, not able to look him in the eyes too long before that crashing wave of guilt returns.
He replies with a sympathetic smile and places a hand on her back to escort her back to his wife. “Now, we wait.”
Six hours later they are still waiting and Vi is on the edge.
The edge of what, she isn’t sure, but she knows some kind of fall can’t be too far away. Her every nerve feels alight, electricity firing through her veins, the damn white noise turning back into the fucking taunts. Her knee hasn’t stopped bouncing in the six hours she’s been sitting, even when she had miraculously managed an hour’s rest. Now she’s on her feet, pacing a rut into the floor, no doubt. But she can’t stop moving. If she does…
She just can’t.
Her hands are at the back of her neck, her elbows bent sharply around her head as if she is trying to block an incoming blow. She can feel Caitlyn’s parents watching her and her stomach rolls threateningly again.
“I’m so sorry,” she mutters on one pass by them. “This is all my fault.”
“Come, Violet, don’t say that. You weren’t the one with the knife,” Tobias responds soothingly and his voice just causes more panic to rise in Vi because why isn’t he angry with her? Why are neither of them shouting at her, telling her to get the fuck out of their daughter’s life because look at what she’s done to all their lives in just a scant few days?
“But I’m the reason Jinx was there. I’m the one who put a target on Caitlyn’s back.”
The back and forth it seems like she was just having with Caitlyn in her bedroom resumes, only now it’s Caitlyn’s father fighting for Vi instead of the girl herself. She spares him a brief glance after another lap, looking away immediately once again when his figure ends up blurry from tears.
“Ever since Caitlyn met me, I’ve just brought harm to her. It’s what I do. Everyone I get close to dies. It’s why I walked away from her the night after the Council meeting. I just wanted her to be safe, but even that wasn’t enough.” Vi forces her feet to halt, making herself look at both of Caitlyn’s parents for her final apology. “I’m very grateful for the hospitality the past few days, but if I hadn’t stayed… Maybe Caitlyn wouldn’t-”
It’s Cassandra who speaks up this time, surprisingly. Her voice is commanding despite her frail figure trying to maintain composure in the chair she sits in.
“Caitlyn made her own decisions throughout all of this,” she explains. “I know we don’t know each other well, Violet, and we may not ever truly understand each other, but I can still recall who it was who dug me out of the rubble of the Council chambers. Who it was that carried me out of the burning building before going back in for others, putting her own life at risk for people who had done nothing but make the lives of her people seem small and insignificant.” Her voice has softened during her spiel and she gives Vi what would probably be considered a smile for the woman. “It’s obvious our daughter cares for you very much and I am starting to see why. Tobias tells me she was absolutely distraught the night after you two addressed the Council; I don’t doubt she wouldn’t have let you walk away this time.”
Vi tries to ignore the welling tears, hating herself for how much she keeps crying. Aside from that first night in Stillwater, Vi can’t remember the last time she had mourned like this. Somewhere in the middle of Cassandra’s words, Vi has come to a stop in her pacing, side facing the Kiramman matriarch, head bowed, fists clenched at her sides. She watches Tobias’ shoes come into her view and tenses as arms encircle her, though she allows the hug to happen.
“With everything you have done for our daughter recently, I believe the pros far outweigh the cons. Caitlyn told me you are far too harsh on yourself and I have to admit I believe the same. Cassandra and I don’t blame you, Violet. Caitlyn would want you here for this and so do we.”
Vi looks up at his words, truly shocked by the acceptance she was receiving from people she had hated by mere association just last week.
“You…mean that?” She looks to Caitlyn’s mother over her dad’s shoulder.
Cassandra nods and Tobias gives her one last squeeze before releasing her, hands coming to rest on her shoulders as he mirrors his wife’s nod.
The tiniest flicker of a smile flashes across Vi’s face before it gears up for war with all the demons swirling within her. It might be a losing battle, but Vi can’t deny the warmth is nice in this fleeting moment.
“Thank you,” she says wetly, honestly.
With one last smile, Tobias backs away and addresses both the women nearby.
“Now,” he says with a clearing of his throat, “I will go see who I can bother around here to get an update on our daughter.”
Vi hears Cassandra huff a slight laugh at her husband’s departure and Vi feels that small smile fighting to return. Against all odds, it is fighting back against the churning darkness.
Maybe it’s time Vi does too.
***
It’s another two hours before Caitlyn is out of surgery.
The first surgery.
“There was fairly extensive damage to her jugular vein. The cut was so deep it’s miracle enough that she remained conscious for as long as she did,” the surgeon explains to them outside the ICU, where Caitlyn will remain until her next surgery is complete. “Whoever held off the bleeding initially did well, otherwise this conversation may be going quite differently.” All eyes turn to Vi who shrinks in on herself. “The carotid artery was just barely nicked, but this is what caused such heavy blood loss. We repaired the carotid, but her jugular will require a graft to have any hope of complete repair. Her blood pressure started lowering too much for the anesthesiologist’s comfort, so we were unable to complete the full surgery at this time. We have her in a medically induced coma until we can go back in.”
Most of what Vi is hearing goes completely over her head. The one term she is familiar with is a person’s jugular. Vander was the one who had taught her that you always go for the jugular with the intention to harm; it’s why the saying is used as it is—going for the jugular. Her heart goes to her own throat at the confirmation.
Jinx had indeed been going for the kill.
Vi follows the doctor and Caitlyn’s parents into the ICU where Caitlyn rests.
What greets her is almost as painful as watching the lifeblood leaving her.
Caitlyn lays asleep in bed, looking peaceful despite the situation. She is still intubated from the surgery and her chest rises and falls in perfect, unnatural measure. Vi shivers. There are multiple IV lines and drips running into both of her arms, the only thing Vi recognizing being a bag filled with blood. A transfusion, most likely. The thought that Caitlyn had lost so much blood that she now needs a stranger’s to survive is too cryptic for Vi to mull over long.
As Cassandra and Tobias flank Caitlyn’s bed, her mother with a hand on her forehead and her father stroking her cheek, Vi feels like she’s intruding. Despite everything both of them had told her, she can’t bring herself to believe it completely. She’s an outsider here, trespassing on a tender family scene.
Meanwhile, her family…
Vi clenches her eyes tight and grits her teeth as all the derision and remorse overpower that small flicker that has been trying its damndest to keep her afloat. She wants to believe all this self-doubt had only roared back to life upon seeing Jinx in the window hours ago, but Vi knows that is also a lie. These thoughts have been a constant in her life ever since waking up in Stillwater. The ebb and flow may have had its dips and sharp rises, but it had always been there; a niggling in the back of her head. How she was responsible for Vander, Mylo and Claggor’s deaths. How she had abandoned Powder. How she went through seven agonizing years never knowing what became of her sister. How she horrifically came to find out all those years later that Powder had fallen into the hands of Silco. How Powder was now Jinx. How Vi created Jinx. How the Council bombing was Vi’s fault because Jinx was her fault. How Caitlyn’s injury was Vi’s fault because of the same reason.
It was always her fault.
Everything.
All the time.
“Violet?”
Again, it’s Tobias’ voice that pulls her from spiraling further, though she can tell it’s getting harder to be summoned back. Vi looks to see him with a hand extended out to her; an invitation to join them at Caitlyn’s bedside. Hesitantly, she approaches.
“You can talk to her, if you want,” he tells her. “It hasn’t been confirmed, but many doctors believe patients in a coma are attune to the sounds in their environment.”
Vi swallows, staring down at Caitlyn longingly. “Will she remember anything we say?”
“It’s unlikely,” is the honest answer, “but it may help to calm her in this moment. Let her know she’s not alone.”
Nodding, Vi takes a step closer and gently takes Caitlyn’s hand. A glance at her heart monitor shows no change in rhythm, but Vi hadn’t been hopeful to start with.
“Hey…C-Cupcake.”
She can feel Caitlyn’s mother watching her and Vi flushes, not knowing what to say or do under such pressure. She simply remains quiet, her thumb rubbing the back of Caitlyn’s hand tenderly. Her silence seems to force Cassandra’s hand as the woman lightly clears her throat a moment later.
“I believe Tobias and I will take our leave, Violet, dear,” she advises. “Caitlyn will likely not return to surgery until tomorrow morning and Tobias has told her surgeon to call us if that changes.” She waits a beat. “Would you like to come back and rest as well?”
The thought of leaving Caitlyn all alone sends a tremor through Vi.
She keeps her head bowed as she responds, “I’d like to stay here. I…don’t want her to be alone.”
She watches from her peripherals as Cassandra gives a slight smile and a nod. She caresses her daughter’s cheek one last time before turning away. Vi listens to their steps fade before she lets out a breath she had been holding since the doctor had come to find them. A strained sob escapes with it.
“Fuck, Caitlyn,” she croaks, lowering to her knees beside the girl’s bed. “You’ve gotta fight this, okay? You…go back into surgery tomorrow and kick its ass, you hear?” Vi rubs at her eyes which only makes them more red. “Please.”
When, of course, there is no response from Caitlyn but measured breaths and the matching beep of her heart, Vi grimaces. She’s not knowledgeable about the effects of undergoing surgery and then being forced into a coma, but the gradual pale pallor and gaunt look to Caitlyn’s face is almost too much to bear. Vi had seen worse growing up in the Undercity and prison—men and women succumbing to Shimmer until they were just skeletal remains in forgotten alleys, kids being demeaned and abused simply for existing, people being beaten to a bloody pulp and left to rot in the corner of a cell—yet nothing compared to the sight of someone she cared about laying vulnerable and fighting for their life. Vi nearly wonders if Caitlyn was instead covered in lacerations and bruises, puddles of blood surrounding her bed, would she feel any better? Vi can’t even see the actual wound as the doctors have it covered under what looks like hundreds of rolls of gauze. She figures it said something about her fucked up psyche that she would prefer seeing Caitlyn’s blood oozing between her fingers to this orchestrated silence she is now audience to.
She tries to let the heart monitor become a comforting soundtrack as Vi closes her eyes, proving Caitlyn is still with her, but it quickly becomes triggering instead. Soon it’s echoing off the walls of her head and just too much. Forcefully, Vi jumps to her feet with a frustrated growl and turns away from the bed, her hands moving through her hair just to have something to do.
“Fuck, I can’t do this. I can’t…b-be here.” She can feel herself beginning to hyperventilate and only panics more. “Fuck, fuck, shit.”
The tone of the machine is now a disparaging taunt, mocking Vi for every mistake in her life, everything culminating in this very moment with Caitlyn’s life in the balance and Vi…spared.
You did this, it jeers, a sinister laugh following it. You put her here. You did this. You did this. Your fault yourfaultyourfaultyourfault-
A tear streaks down her face. She shakes her head.
“Stop,” she cries, whines.
In the second of silence she receives, Vi gives a forlorn, guilty gaze down at Caitlyn before she turns tail and runs.
Coward.
Vi doesn’t know where she’s going, doesn’t know if she even wants to really leave. She just can’t look at Caitlyn anymore, can’t look at what she has done. She has to move. She has to silence the voices. She has to erase all the thoughts in her head.
Even if that could possibly mean erasing herself.
She’s unsure how long she runs or how far away she ends up, but eventually her lungs are burning, overpowering the ghosts in her head telling her to keep going, keep going until Vi herself burns.
Somewhere in the midst of her haste, one tiny fumble has her crashing to the floor with a shout that sounds more like a wail. Her kneecaps reverberate from their impact, her arms locking in front of her before she completely face-plants. She doesn’t try to get up, doesn’t think it’s worth it; just stays as she is, breathing in searing lungsful of air and watching her nth round of tears splash to the stark white floor under her. The hallway she’s in is only half lit in the late hour, indicating it’s not expected for anyone to be here.
Good, Vi thinks. The fewer people around to see her break down, the better.
The tear begins in her head, her headache splitting as the demons begin to screech at her, playing back the past hours, days, week to try and show her every place she messed up. Then they start playing tricks, showing her things that never happened, but she knows were only just barely avoided. Jinx shooting Caitlyn at first sight at their reunion atop the highest structure in Zaun, Caitlyn succumbing from worse wounds in the blast on the bridge, Jinx shooting Caitlyn in the head when Vi refused to at the dinner party, Silco’s aim being good and shooting Vi in the chest, Jinx’s rocket causing an immediate collapse of the Council building, Vi coming across Cassandra’s burnt corpse.
It all could have been so much worse, she knows that. But how is what she is currently living any better? She’s out of Stillwater after seven years only to find the world has gone on without her. Her sister is gone, Vi finds the thought comes easier to stomach this time, but that only makes her angrier because she’s still her baby sister. Vi wants to hate her. Vi wants to love her. To put her away. To protect her.
And Caitlyn.
The one good thing that has come out of all this and Vi put her in a hospital bed because she couldn’t stop her sister, couldn’t say the right thing.
“I’m sorry,” she’s mumbling into the floor, forehead pressed against the smooth surface. “I’m sorry.”
The slideshow her inner beasts continue to show her only hasten, the flashes blinding. Vi groans and squeezes her eyes shut, her teeth grinding until her jaw hurts.
“Stop,” she sobs, her nails scratching at the floor. She doesn’t even realize they have started to bleed.
Powder, Caitlyn, Caitlyn, Caitlyn, Jinx, Ekko, Vander, Caitlyn, Jinx.
Flash.
Grayson, Benzo, Vander, Vander, Mylo, Claggor, Vander, Powder, Powder, Powder.
Flash.
Then it’s an amalgamation of colors firing and Vi is gasping against the splitting pain.
The monotonous greys of Stillwater, the blue and gold of Caitlyn’s uniform—the first color she had seen in ages that wasn’t the red of her own blood. Then there’s the neon lights of the Undercity, the blue braids upon finally reuniting with Powder. Green from the fight with the Firelights, the following blackness as she and Caitlyn are taken. There’s even more green of the miracle tree at the hideout before all those vibrant colors fade back to just red, blue and black. The red of the explosion on the bridge, the blue of Caitlyn’s hair as she and Vi limp through topside. The ocean blue of Caitlyn’s eyes accompanied by the softest touch Vi has ever known. More red blood during her fight with Sevika before the black beckons yet again. Powder blue and enforcer blue in a standstill at the dinner party. The red sky as Jinx lines up her shot. The blue of the rocket cutting through the sky.
Then it’s just red.
The red of destruction, of flames licking at buildings and consuming all it could. The red of dead bodies Vi tries her best to ignore as she searches for Caitlyn’s mom. Then the blood. All the blood.
Caitlyn’s blood.
Too much red.
Vi’s gripping at her head and over all the noise in her skull, she thinks she might be screaming too. She punches the floor, yanks at her hair and screams. She can feel her throat burning, but she doesn’t stop. She can’t, not until all this pain has been exorcised from her body, until she has felt the same pain she has inflicted on everyone around her.
Black begins to creep in and she welcomes it greedily. Black means end, means silence.
Safety.
The black has just about encompassed her when she can just barely make out the cry of her name.
She pays it no mind though for she knows it’s not Caitlyn. Not Jinx. Instead, she beckons the black faster.
Then she falls and all is right.
***
The first thing she is aware of is the fucking beeping again. But how? Hadn’t she run far enough to escape its presence? It’s only after another grating second that she picks up on a slight difference than before.
Now there are two sets of beeps.
With a groan, she reaches for her head to rub away the grogginess only she can’t move her arm. She can’t move either one.
Vi’s eyes shoot open and she tries to sit up, only to immediately be pulled back down on the bed by whatever is holding her wrists down. She’s just barely begun panicking and thrashing, a whimper escaping her, when a familiar voice and calming blue come into focus.
“Violet, it’s alright,” the voice is saying, the blue is wavering. “You’re okay. Just breathe. Can you do that for me?”
Swallowing her rising hysteria, she closes her eyes and focuses on breathing. After a few good gulps, she tries again and opens her eyes.
Tobias is sitting beside her, a warm smile welcoming her back. Beyond him, Vi can see Caitlyn laying as she left her, Cassandra sitting in watch though she looks to Vi as Tobias speaks. There’s something on Vi’s finger which is keeping track of her heart rate just like Caitlyn.
She’s in the ICU.
“W-What happened?” Vi grunts.
“The doctors believe you had a major panic attack, do you remember?” Tobias hesitates only briefly before his hand is on Vi’s shoulder and rubs comfortingly. “When neither Cassandra nor I could relax at home, we decided to just come back here to be with you and Caitlyn, but when we arrived on this floor all we could hear was screaming. We followed it and found you on the ground, nearly convulsing.”
Vi blinks, nausea rising as she begins to recall bits and pieces. She doesn’t get far, however, before the memories seem to get stuck in production. They can’t form completely and Vi is only left to guess how bad off she was.
“I can’t remember,” she says before her gaze travels from Tobias to her arms, both of which have soft restraints around her wrists connected to the railing of her bed. Her eyes widen and Tobias must see the flash of fear because he quickly jumps in.
“You kept trying to harm yourself,” he explains. “The doctors had to give you a heavy amount of sedative before you calmed, but we weren’t sure what kind of state you would awake in. It’s just for your safety, Violet. I’ll call the doctor in and we can see about removing them, okay?”
Vi just nods as he gets up and walks out of the room. She looks to Cassandra then.
“H-How is she?”
Cassandra gives her a slight smile, her hand threading through Caitlyn’s hair.
“No change,” she answers. “Her surgeon said her blood pressure hasn’t quite reached a level he’s comfortable with yet, so she still hasn’t gone back in to surgery.”
Vi tries to rub her forehead again before remembering she can’t, so she settles with a deep sigh and closes her eyes as she rests back against the pillows.
“How long was I out?”
“Quite some time, dear. It’s very early morning. If Caitlyn continues to recover as she has been, she will likely be back in surgery within a few hours.”
It’s already been a full day? Vi can’t quite believe it, but then again, she wonders how present she had really been since her attempt to sneak out. As she takes the time to rest for the first time in who knows how long, she feels like her mind is clearer. Even seeing Caitlyn beside her, still intubated, still hooked up to all those machines, still pale, isn’t causing Vi the monumental dread and guilt from before.
Instead, for the first time Vi can remember, she even feels the slightest bit optimistic.
What the hell kind of drugs did the doctors give her?
“You gave us quite a scare, you know,” Cassandra speaks again and Vi opens her eyes to give the woman her attention. “Caitlyn used to have night terrors as a young child, but this… It’s good we found you when we did.”
Vi swallows a lump in her throat, looking down at her restraints and noticing the blood under her nails and the bruises on her knuckles. Her dirty wraps lay on a table beside her.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbles. “I just…broke. Everything has just been so much. I could feel all this pressure building and building but I just kept shoving it down because something was always happening. Seeing Caitlyn hurt was just…the last straw, I guess.”
Cassandra had come over to Vi’s bedside as she spoke and while the woman doesn’t make any move to reach out and touch her as her husband had, Vi can see the faint traces of care and sympathy in eyes mirrors of Caitlyn’s.
“No one expects you to be calm and composed at all times,” she begins by saying. “I know Caitlyn would say I had taught her to never show anyone any emotions, but I was simply being hypocritical back then. Tobias can tell you all the times I would come apart in his arms after a rough day or another disagreement with Caitlyn. For the longest time, I thought that was strength, but it is not. Not being afraid to show emotion and lean on others for support is true strength.”
“There really wasn’t any place to talk about your feelings in prison,” Vi finds herself mumbling bitterly, though not towards Cassandra. “Not even in the Undercity, really. Vander tried to be there for me and Po- my sister, but I was such a stubborn kid, I think I had the mentality to keep everything inside even then.”
Cassandra takes the open seat beside Vi’s bed with a gentle sigh.
“After all this with Caitlyn is…at a place where I can gather my own breath, if you would like me to, I could see about setting you up with a therapist, Violet. You don’t have to give me an answer now, you can even discuss things with Caitlyn first, maybe you two can go together, but I want you to know that the opportunity is out there.”
Vi’s eyes widen what she assumes has to be comically if Cassandra’s responding smirk is anything to go by.
“Why… Why would you all do that for me? Even before this…you all were just letting me stay at your place for nothing in return.”
“Despite how we grew up thinking about each other, we are all human at the end of the day. I’m beginning to realize that more and more.” Cassandra shares another smile with Vi, this one sly like she has a secret. “Did you know the Council had actually just unanimously agreed to Zaun’s independence when the rocket hit?”
“No way,” Vi gapes. “But now…”
Cassandra sighs. “Now things may be a bit more difficult to get back to the same result, but that doesn’t mean those who believe it stop trying. A separation from Piltover will not solve all your city’s problems, but it is indeed the necessary start.”
Suddenly overcome by nerves, Vi glances to Caitlyn before looking back to Caitlyn’s mother, aware of the flush to her face.
“Do you think…Piltover could also be my city?”
The most carefree laugh and grin from Cassandra breaks free at that point and Vi finds herself smiling in turn. There is no malice or degradation behind the Councilor’s actions; it’s true. Honest.
“Dear, I think Caitlyn and all of us would be very happy with that.”
Vi finds herself becoming even lighter at the response, her grin only growing as she looks back to Caitlyn.
Wonder what Caitlyn will think about me bonding with her parents?
A small weight does fall to her stomach as Tobias returns with a doctor, but after everything, it’s a weight she knows she can lift easily.
“Hello, Violet,” the doctor greets, and it’s only then Vi briefly wonders if Caitlyn had ever told her parents she went by Vi most of the time or not. Maybe nicknames just weren’t a thing in Piltover. “How are you feeling?”
“Um, a lot better, actually,” she replies. “I know Mr. Kiramman said I was trying to hurt myself, but if I promise I won’t, can I get these off?” She jiggles her restraints for effect.
“Well, it seems the sedative we gave you worked it’s magic.”
Vi actually huffs a slight laugh as she says, “Yeah, that stuff is pretty great, actually. I haven’t…felt like this in a long time.”
The doctor, a short young woman this time, giggles as she makes some notes in Vi’s chart. “Glad to hear it. I believe Mrs. Kiramman has brought up the possibility of therapy once everyone is home, correct? We can see about getting you on a variant of the medication we gave you here long-term. Along with the therapy, it’s likely you could start having more days like this.”
“Do you…know why I had that…episode?” Vi asks.
“I would attribute it to PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder. The breakdown, the outlash, the desire to harm, it all lines up. However, that would be something you and your therapist would work on if you decide to take that route.”
Vi scoffs. “Makes sense with my shitty past.”
The doctor ends up asking Vi a few more questions before a nurse comes in to release her from the restraints. She immediately runs a hand through her hair and rubs at her wrists. When she tells the doctor she is leaning towards the idea of therapy, the doctor gives her a grin and says she will compile all her notes for Vi to take home with her.
With her departure, the room becomes quiet and all attention goes back to Caitlyn.
Vi stays in bed for a couple more hours, as the doctor had advised she continue to rest while her mind is cloudless and free, and apparently ends up drifting into another bout of sleep. She only comes to when she hears a new voice enter the room. Upon seeing it’s Caitlyn’s surgeon, Vi sits up at attention.
“She’s good to go back,” Dr. Steinbach is saying. “We will be monitoring her closely throughout, but I believe we will be able to finish the procedure. I do want to keep her in her coma for another few days to let the graft adhere to her jugular and the rest of her to heal, but her prognosis now is significantly better than upon her arrival.”
Vi hears both of Caitlyn’s parents take a sigh of relief at that bit of news and Vi allows herself to breathe as well. Dr. Steinbach departs, saying a nurse will come to take Caitlyn to surgery in a moment. It’s only then Vi makes to stand from the bed and approach once more.
She brings the back of her fingers up to Caitlyn’s cheek and mirrors the action the girl had done for her just nights ago. Vi smiles.
“You’ve got this, Cupcake,” she tells her.
Even after the nurses have taken Caitlyn from the ICU and Vi follows Cassandra and Tobias back to the waiting area, her confidence doesn’t waver. She has always had faith in Caitlyn, it was letting herself believe in that faith that has been the biggest roadblock.
Now that roadblock has lowered, however, and despite the dark clouds still overhead and behind her, in front of her has never looked clearer.
***
The second surgery goes even better than the first and Caitlyn’s week of recovery begins after being moved from the ICU. On day three, the heavy gauze on her neck is replaced by a simple large bandage and on the fourth day she is extubated, only needing a small plastic cannula in her nose. The IVs remain, though Vi is relieved that Caitlyn hasn’t needed any more blood transfusions after coming out of the last surgery. She can deal with watching medications and nutrients flow into Caitlyn. Throughout the entire time, Caitlyn has a slew of visitors. Jayce and Viktor—who had survived the Council attack along with Mel and one other Councilor Vi wasn’t privy to—several enforcers Caitlyn had apparently worked closely with and likely half of upper-class Piltover. Even Heimerdinger made the journey, news of Caitlyn’s injury somehow reaching the Undercity concerning.
Throughout it all though, Vi remains at her side as much as possible. Tobias and Cassandra try to pull her away, advising Vi exhausting herself at Caitlyn’s vigil will only bring the stress and pressure back, and Vi agrees reluctantly in small intervals. She still jolts awake from night terrors, once thrashing from her place on the couch in Caitlyn’s room with such a loud scream that it draws the nurses’ attention from down the hall. She still suffers from intrusive thoughts, her mind still trying to convince her that Caitlyn isn’t going to make it or just that it’s Vi’s fault she’s here still. Vi had spoken to Cassandra about wanting to go ahead with therapy and the Kiramman monarch had begun looking into only the best therapists Piltover had to offer. Vi tries to start making changes on her own; telling herself aloud and internally that the shadows she was seeing out of the corner of her eyes weren’t Powder back to finish the job, that her sister had her own autonomy and had made her own choices without Vi’s input.
Vi may not have quite started to believe it all just yet, but there were times that she could see herself coming to terms with it in the future.
Now, on day seven, Vi is a bundle of nerves simply because Caitlyn could wake up at any moment. Dr. Steinbach had come by earlier that morning to reverse the coma. He had advised Vi and Caitlyn’s parents that it could still be a while until Caitlyn came to and there was no way for him to give any kind of timeline. It’s been four hours since and Vi has barely moved from her chair.
Her hand surrounds Caitlyn’s as she leans on her arms atop the bed, just waiting. Cassandra and Tobias have stepped out to grab the three of them lunch. Caitlyn’s private room was large and several floors up, and Vi spent any time she wasn’t at Caitlyn’s bedside looking out the window. The world kept going. Vi has watched as the rubble from the Council attack was cleared away and they have even begun reconstruction. Vi stares out at the bridge into Zaun often as well, sometimes imagining what her sister was up to now, but never letting herself linger on the thought.
It’s during one of Vi’s trips to the window that she hears the whisper of a groan behind her. Her heart surges to her throat as she spins around quickly and sprints to Caitlyn, who’s eyes are shut tighter than they have been, her face scrunched up in distress.
“Hey,” Vi whispers as she sits down, grabs Caitlyn’s hand and rests her other on Caitlyn’s cheek. “Caitlyn?”
Vi glances at the machine monitoring her vitals, having memorized which numbers are considered normal to see a slight spike. Vi quirks a quick smile before swallowing any mounting excitement. She hopes the increase is good.
Caitlyn groans again and Vi is practically on top of her watching for anything else. She can see Caitlyn’s eyes moving behind her fluttering lids and Vi squeezes her hand, hoping to ground her, to pull her back.
“Cait,” she calls, “I’m right here. Can you open your eyes for me?”
At the first crack of blue Vi feels tears lining her eyes and she huffs out a wet laugh.
“H-Hey there,” she strokes her cheek.
With each blink, Caitlyn’s eyes open more and more and Vi’s smile grows in turn. Recognition hasn’t quite dawned, but Caitlyn does grip Vi’s hand back for the first time and she knows it’s a victory.
Vi holds her and caresses her as she comes to and eventually, finally, blue eyes lock onto grey, recognition dawning.
“V-V…”
Caitlyn’s voice is barely a scratch and her eyes immediately widen in panic when she can’t even pronounce Vi’s name. Vi sees her swallowing before trying again, but she’s quickly got both her hands on Caitlyn’s face so that all the girl sees is her.
“Hey, hey,” she soothes, “you’re alright.”
Caitlyn’s eyes still waver, asking the silent question of what happened.
“Your throat was really fucked, Cupcake, but the doctors fixed it,” Vi tries her best to explain. “You might not be able to talk for a while and I know it probably feels weird to swallow, but the doctor said that’s normal. Okay?” She wipes the tears from her own eyes before planting a chaste kiss to Caitlyn’s forehead. “I’m here, Cait. Welcome back.”
As Caitlyn’s eyes well with tears of her own and Vi can hear Cassandra and Tobias approaching down the hall, her face feels like it will split in half from her grin. Her heart is beating unburdened and all the weight, guilt and dread she had carried on her shoulders for years upon years begins to lift and recede. Staring into ocean waves of blue reflecting an abundance of unconditional love and devotion, Vi sees her future.
The pressure breaks again, only this time it feels oh so good.