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Tae's heart felt like it was going to explode right out his chest through his entire rib cage with how fast he could feel it beat. Everything felt unbearable, his shirt was large, hanging off of him like a curtain as he hunched into himself. He never grew into his body like most other kids so most clothes never failed to just drape over rather than cover him. Right now though, it felt as if it was clinging onto him in an almost desperate manner – damp and constricting from the disgusting pooled sweat that was beading through his body. His whole body felt like it’s on fire, embers echoing in his stomach growing larger, like someone was pouring gasoline to fuel the flames, making him feel all itchy. His hands were marking bloody crescents over his scratched arms.
Nothing was feeling right, wrong in all the ways but yet contradicting each other. Everything felt way too big and large but yet so suffocating, his body felt like he was in literal hell even on the freezing chill of the rooftop floor he found himself crying on. The night was vast and he was the only one outside on the ghostly rooftop but he had never felt so small. Like there was just an invisible box slowly closing in on him. The vastness of nothing was suffocating him whole. He really should've brought a coat up here than just a thin hoodie to protect himself somewhat from the unforgiving temperature. He should do something before the cold beats him to it.
But he couldn't stop himself from just looking up at the endless stars that filled the sky, just for five more minutes, he said to himself. Even through tear blurred eyes that made the stars look like blurs of white rather than the shining lights they were, Tae still wanted to have just a small moment of enjoyment of looking up before he finally lets down, was that so bad of him to want? Even when he was shaking, tears were prickling at his eyes– threatening to fall and to never stop falling. He was happy right now even if his body portrayed everything but that. Not happy for his life, opportunities, or career– well not truly happy, but being able to look up to the night one last time. It was a temporary happiness, one that would leave as soon as it came and couldn't fulfil his life forever or even for a little if he so chooses to continue but it was happiness nonetheless and so that was enough for him right now.
What could've been if he had just played this game a bit better.
He should be truly happy– satisfied for everything he got no matter what. He played his cards and despite his awful mistakes he made that should've ended the game early, he's now living "The Dream '' but it was just that, a dream to most but yet here he was living it for fucks sake. But he just couldn’t be happy, it was selfish and bratty to still be wanting for more or something else but he just couldn’t help it. It was more like a nightmare at points rather than a dream, a damn panda broke into their concert, that is actually nightmare fuel. He loved animals and red pandas were no exception before but when a red panda probably the size of the eiffel tower almost killed everyone including him and his friends, god please forgive him for not wanting that to happen. God do forgive him for not seeing a reason for why that happen, why now he can’t stand hearing any yelling to any capacity, and can’t even look at red pandas without feeling like ripping his hair out in utter distress, for hearing screams of terrors and his dead friend’s corpses whenever he even tried to get some shut eye. God please please fucking forgive him for not trusting anything anymore after everything that has happened. He couldn’t faithfully put anything in Him anymore, so please try just try forgive him. He doesn’t want to hear reasons on why what happened was needed in his life, because it wasn’t. It never was and will never be needed.
He just needed an end.
Sleeping forever just seemed so nice– too nice even to just not resist anymore. Dying did not seem that nice if he wanted to be honest in these moments. In fact it seemed- it was scary, to him and likely everyone no matter how much they denied it. He was just wanting things to end or perhaps to never start in the first place, that he never existed so none of this would have happened. While death may not be the most ideal or appropriate option he'd say in the most clean mindset, it felt like it was in his hazed head right now. Not existing in the first place obviously and clearly off the table so what else? Pathetic he knows, but he was desperate for the sense of relief, even if it meant there was a large chance of more pain coming after it, the chance of the afterlife actually existing and being punished for his mistakes and sins, he'd gladly take it with a smile.
So maybe he did want to die?
Even though supposedly everything was looking up for him now, he has another world tour coming up, graduation is right around the corner in just a couple weeks, hell he was even going to visit his extended family this year. Oh and how could he forget that his birthday is next week– finally turning into an actual actual adult now, his friends liked to joke. Where he'll actually be treated as an actual adult, be able to participate in actual adult stuff , whatever that meant. 21 is a weird age.
But on the flip side, it meant what would come up with the world tour would come a more harsher management and regimen, graduation meant the most important exam right before it, extended family meant more judgement for not following their plan for him and turning into an adult meant well-
He was already tired out of his mind that no slumber except the eternal one could help, lord only knows how it will be when he officially turns into an adult.
He isn't prepared for another more gruelling round called life, he just wasn't cut out for it anymore. He knows at one point he has to move on but he feels- no he knows that everyone is already moving on but he is still just there,
Alone.
He should be using this as motivation to move on but he just wants to be done. Maybe he was done being a perfect child prodigy, done with stupid consequences and boundaries of performing to the public, the constant harrasment and weirdos that came with everything he does now or maybe just done in general he really couldn't tell. He always remembered himself wanting this life, training vigorously for years to attain the experience under his belt needed for this career. Watching and constantly playing tunes of bands he always imagined himself being in. He never thought it would end up like this though.
Back then it was hopeful, nice– not that right now wasn't nice, it was just exhausting, cruel and definitely no longer simple now. So much was happening in his life and he felt like he was the only one just stuck on one point. It was dizzying to keep up with but stay at one point, wanting desperately to move on but couldn’t and watching everyone just leave without him. It likely weren’t their intention but fuck did it still hurt. He was just the only one paused in one moment, either that or constantly replaying a single moment unable to take his eyes off anything else, he still knew what was going around which made everything worse There was just too much making him feel this way, an empty and overfilled pit in his body that was all slowly building up until it's going to burst at its seams.
And that led him here, on top of a roof, staring at the dozens of people walking the late streets going wherever they needed at this ungodly time, perhaps it was 12, 1 or perhaps even 3 am, he hasn’t checked the time since he went on top of this place which was a while ago he thinks at least.
Also the beautiful stars, one could just not take their eyes off, even if such magnificent light is smeared and blurred through builded up tears, most everyone including him could still tell how gorgeous they were.
Perhaps if reincarnation was a thing, he'd become a star too. Dancing along with millions others like him, lightyears away from people that can judge him. Even if there was someone that did, he couldn't hear them. Plus he'd be the same with every other star like him, what is there to judge of him that was different from any other star? If someone judged a star, they would have to judge every single star in existence, and that would be silly would it not?
Even through everything, sadness, disappointment, anger and whatever else, a small strained laugh bubbled up from his throat at that thought. It was a silly thought to have, he wouldn't be surprised if he was a star up in space that there would be at least one person that would still hate his guts, that would judge him cause you know why? Because he was fucking Tae young, everything he did no more how spectacular or perfect it was and could be, there would be atleast someone to say that it wasn’t good enough, not perfect enough. It was too much like this, less like this, needed to be like those, and was too much like Tae young and we wouldn’t want that now would we? Whether it was his family, his past friends, management, their own fans and general people he came to know from all walks of life. There always just had to have someone, anyone, it didn’t matter, there was just always someone no matter what had to point out his flaws rather than bathe in the good. That was a sad mindset to have, to only look at the bad than the good so logically he shouldn’t be listening to sad people who have nothing else to do but it’d be hypocritical to say he doesn’t have that same sad mindset, caused by those around him. He thinks only the other members of 4town, his friends, and what he considered family never judged him.
But there was a possibility that they were, just didn’t have the face to tell him, which he could at least be happy somewhat that they didn’t tell him upfront, it probably would crush everything remaining in his life.
Ridiculous but understandable he guesses.
An elevator ding made its way to his ear but he didn't notice it still not until a voice was the next thing that this time he actually registered.
“Tae?” A deep voice aimlessly asked, a voice he knew very well, Z.
“Holy shit there you are.” Even if he kept his quite monotonous tone and even sounded a bit mad, he knew through those thick layers that there was concern laced into his words, no matter how faint they were, maybe not to the naked eye but to him, he knew. He had to fight a laugh at that for some reason, it wasn’t funny but still he let out a tiny giggle, practically invisible but alas it was there nonetheless.
He didn’t even realise that he unintentionally ignored that the elevator door to the rooftop had opened and someone, more specifically Z was with him on the previously empty rooftop. He only hummed as an acknowledgement, not trusting his own voice to do anything beyond that. He knew that Z was wandering closer to him, probably curious as to why he was even on here and to be frank he wasn’t completely sure himself on why either now. Tae knew what he wanted to do here but why was so much more complicated. He turned his head down to the floor, looking at the ground and his own feet, feeling utter shame wash over him like a tide. Quickly destroying the little amusement he had, humiliation circled his thoughts every new step Z took, likely to make sure he was okay but still he couldn’t help but feel this sick kind of dread once Z reached him. Even though Z was still quite far, still being on the opposite side of Tae, it was still too close for him right now, subconsciously scooting away from him which was conveniently closer to the ledge separating one from jumping.
Fortunate to some and unfortunate to others, was pretty easy to climb and quite quick too if one even had the slightest of athletic abilities, which he had coincidently of course. He stood up, still looking down but at this time, looking down at the city streets of Toledo, bustling with people walking on the hard concrete. No doubt it would not be able save him if he jumped. It was a brash decision that he mentally slapped himself across the head for, Z was likely- no, for sure the strongest and the most athletic of the bunch, could probably swing him around like a ratchet to play badminton if he so pleased. Z would be able to just run and grab him if he even tried to attempt such a stunt. He didn't want to do this, he knew he truly didn't want to but there was no other solution.
He knew he should’ve just done it when he first came up here but the past was in the past he thought. Still he hesitated, staying still right at the edge. He was still looking down but instead of his feet, it was the streets of the city, it felt way more damning and scary than the other times.
The yelling of street vendors reminded him of the street vendors from home. The ones that always crouched down to his size and quietly stuffed a mango jelly into his pocket. He only ever ate one though, opting to give it to his friend, his best friend in the whole way world. One of the only thing he can say with confidence that that was his best decision
If he looked closer, he could see two kids next to the stands, and if he squinted a bit it almost looked like him and his best friend. His best friend would be quite sad if he had to use had instead of have when referring to him, wouldn't he?
To say that they were best friends. That they did everything together.
He didn't want to make him sad, he didn't want to make anyone sad.
not Robraire, Jesse, Z or T
But he is the one who is sad right now. Why should he care? An almost envious voice whispered to him, it wasn't the typical evil little demon sitting on your left side but was almost a melancholy of desperate sadden voices that were clawing out to him, clinging onto any form they had.
Tae took a tiny step backwards, considering everything but that small difference held no difference to Z. It was still too close.
It didn’t– couldn’t stop the complete utter horror Z felt once he came to the conclusion on what was to happen, an assumption on his part but it truly wasn’t that far from the truth and expected in this situation so he’ll let it slide.
But what he didn’t expect was to be roughly pulled back by the hoodie into Z. His back pushed against his chest, he could hear his laboured breath with how close he was being held. But that wasn't because he got tired from rushing over to him but rather the complete panic that ran through him. It all happened so fast as if someone paused and clicked to the next part of a scene. He didn’t hear anything, not Z running to him when he stood on the ledge, not Z yelling out his name in a panic and not even his own voice in his surprise when he got pulled back. Only after he was being hugged in a death grip was when he recollected his mind on what had happend. He stood completely still as if he was nothing but a statue. Tae couldn’t see what Z looked like but he didn’t dare to look behind him, fearful of what would be in front of him. Would Z yell out in anger when he looked back, or perhaps still not show any emotions like he usually would, trying to play off everything under the facade he put up for himself?
It took him a while to realise that his hair was becoming slightly damp, not from the non existent rain that was pouring but that it was Z’s tears that made it like that. Guilt riddled through his chest for making him feel that way, for making him go through that, having to save him from his stupid mistake that he likely wasn’t going to go through with that night. But still he said nothing, not a word could be said, he was frozen in shock, but that could not be said the same for his mind, still coursing up dreaded thoughts about himself and his friends. It was the same for Z, who could not utter anything for the life of him, only letting himself bury his face into Tae’s hair, not letting go or loosening his hold even slightly as if Tae would disappear in front of his eyes if he even dared to do so. It wasn’t like him to show himself so easily like this, to anyone in any given situation, he made himself the pillar for everyone that needed it to lean on and pillars don’t shake or quiver in fear at anyone or anything now do they?
But he couldn’t keep it in anymore
He was scared.
Z turned Tae around so he could face him, to make sure that it was him. They could both see fear in each other's eyes. There was no need to look at the little details in his face, to see if there was a general twitch anywhere, to see whether his eyebrows furrowed a bit too much or raised a bit too high because it was all so clear to anyone, even those who never saw him. To see the absolute terror in his eyes, it was all so raw and unfiltered. Something almost no one has ever seen and never would never want to see, it was terrible to see and even more terrible to know that you were the cause of that.
Their eyes were both glassy, filled with shock but Z was somewhat glad he saw his eyes, that they weren't lifeless and dull. Instead still with life in them. While Z was hopeful, Tae was horrified with seeing him like this.
Horrified with himself.
He couldn’t look into his eyes anymore, choosing to bury his face into Z’s chest, it was all too much too bear. He let this happen but yet he couldn’t even look at the effect it had in the face. He was a coward and he knew that. They held each other close, at one point Z brought them both to the ground so they could be more comfortable, bringing up a coat he had from god knows where to pull over him to at least shield him a bit more from the cold. He flinched slightly from the thick fabric enveloping him. After a while of quiet sniffles and hiccups from Z being the only sound that he could focus on to just a quiet atmosphere draped over them both. It was so quiet but never felt so loud, finally someone has the balls to say something.
“You’re cold, very cold.” Z's voice whispered into his ear but it might as well have rang through the entirety of the rooftop with how loud it felt to Tae. It was still a bit hoarse but already sounding like normal Z, stable and quiet. It was a simple sentence, nothing funny or judgy, simply just an observation. He didn’t know why but he always had a knack for wanting to laugh at everything even if it wasn't funny at all and this was no exception. He had to strongly convince himself not to laugh at the simple words.
“I know,” he whispered back, strongly muffled but still was heard by Z. He made no indication of moving from his spot even when the cold made his fingers feel a bit numb. It was fine that he couldn’t feel some of his fingers, Z’s warmth felt more than enough to keep him fine.
Even if his legs felt too heavy to carry him upright.
Z sounded alarmed through the layers of his steady voice when he whispered those words. And it was true, once Z touched Tae, he could feel how cold he was from the likely hours he spent out in the ghostly night. He was more than worried for his friend, for his physical and mental state. He was practically freezing to the touch and quiet. He nudged him to move so they could walk back down together to their room before one of them catches a more severe cold or even a mild frostbite. Once he saw Tae was making little effort to stand up he placed his hands on Tae's waist and decided to stand up and hoist him up to bring him into standing with him with no prior warning. His legs were shaky and numb from staying in the same position for such a long time, he quickly grabbed Z's shoulders before he fell flat on his face. He looked up to Z's eyes to see him silently fretting over him, his hands pulled away from his side to just around him, ready to catch him if he fell again.
He felt shame and a disgusting sense of pride mixed in seeing Z like this. Mostly shame though, but it was confusing, shame for having him be so fearful of something happening to him in just an hour or two and a sick pride for being able to make him feel like this. He hated feeling that pride more than feeling the shame, it wasn't fucking normal. None of this was, doing any of this and feeling like this wasn't okay and normal, how could he make such a mistake and how did he manage to drag someone with him? It felt sickening, he would've thrown up if he thought about it for even a second longer. A hand was placed on his shoulder, pulling him out of a possible spiral and vomit.
"I'll help you get to our room, okay? " Z said but it sounded more like a statement rather than a question even with the okay, he knew there was no room to argue at this point so he just silently nodded and let himself be guided at this point. It felt pathetic for needing to be guided because he couldn't even walk normally but he still let himself indulge in this chance, pulling himself closer to Z as they made their way to the elevator door that would bring them down to their room.
He pressed the elevator button, it was strangely sticky once he touched it. It gave him the icks and he shivered internally for having to do it. Curiosity overtook him and he swiped his finger against it again and stretched whatever it was between his two fingers.He doubted it was that bad from just touching the button for what was like 1 second but dear god was he wrong. He just used his finger but it was covered in fucking sticky shit. It was all Translucent and plain gross. Z slipped his hand into one of Tae's jacket pockets, having to reach around his waist to fish out a small hand cloth and took his hand, holding it by the wrist as he wiped whatever grime was on it. Even when it was wiped off he still felt the remnants of it. Like when you get oil on your hands and try to wash it off.
"Curiosity killed the cat." Z muttered as he focused on trying to get everything off. He could still feel the tenseness in the air with what happened but the playfulness they had was brought back.
"But satisfaction brought it back is what they say" He quipped back, indulging himself in this banter.
"Tell me are you satisfied right now?" Z bit back, fondness tracing the lines of his tongue as he threw away the hand cloth somewhere he didn't care enough to notice. "It's too far gone to be used anymore."
He laughed as he said that, and outloud too. Finally no more of that stupid shit where someone had to become Sherlock Homes to find what he was feeling, he was just truly feeling. You couldn't deny also hearing or rather feeling the happiness bubbling up at least Tae couldn't. It was mesmerising and addicting to hear. Like a lyre melody played to a fool, enticing and always bringing them self back and god was he a fool at this point. The laugh was full, no shallowness or nervousness lined in it like it was another night for them and their friends, laughing and playing around within their own comfort. He wished it was like that but that wasn't true. It still was solemn, no matter what Z caught him right handed this night. He wanted to still hear him again, even if it was still solemn because this night was just depressing even though he caused it to be like that, he could not withstand it one bit.
It was entirely selfish and that was what he was being this entire night and he knew that.
He scrambled to find an excuse, as silly or ridiculous it would sound.
"Dance with me." He blurted out, taking their hands and locking them together. He would've striked himself against the head if his hand wasn't already intertwined with Z and wouldn't make him look more like an utter idiot so he settled on mentally doing that but it was too late to back down now.
"What?"
"Dance with me" He repeated, much more steady in his voice instead of bumbling out like a fool which he kinda was but still. His hands were probably sweating up a storm but he wasn't focused on if he was when he was looking at Z for any clues as to what he might say.
"What has gotten into you?" He questioned. Z was confused, trying to find any reason for the ever so sudden mood changes between Tae. He was close to commiting suicide and now he was acting like that never happened. It was dizzying to keep up with,
"You're cold as fuck, can barely walk without buckling over and in general, and I say this with all my respect, love and care for you, Tae, you are not okay at all in both physical and mental state." He deadpanned.
"I'll be okay if you just dance with me," He tugged Z close to him, placing one hand to his shoulder and the other to his waist, already half heartedly pulling him along if it wasn't for Z's firm stance digging into the ground.
"You can't just sway yourself out of this talk." Even as he said that, Z hasn't pulled himself away Allowing himself to be led into a dance.
Tae kept quiet, he did know. He couldn't do anything to avoid what would happen, to even be able to prolong it as far as possible. He wasn't trying to, but he couldn't just say why. He'd be even more of a fool to say why, to even say anything for that matter.
He just kept moving, kept dancing to an imaginary beat he pulled in his head. Beats that were one too messy, too incoherent, scrapped from his mind and note books previously. But the dance matched it, it was messy, not anything he had ever practised, it was an entirely new thing. Throughout it Z followed along, at one point started to lead Tae, he was much more organised in his way. Small laughs were bubbling up his throat whenever they made a misstep, an accidental mistake and stepped on eachother's foot. He could care less, messy or not, this one time he let go. This time Tae didn't care if it was good and practised, able to be executed to an audience with precision and expertise.
There was no audience this time, just him, Z and the stars. Maybe someone else if the elevator dinging opened told him anything but again he couldn't care.