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Wei Wuxian knew what was happening. He wasn’t blind.
Lan Wangji doesn’t love him; not like he used to atleast. They had lost their spark and it was becoming more and more evident as the days passed. Actions spoke louder than words, as Lan Wangji had always said.
But it was funny, because now, that very same person was the one that seemed so repulsed by him.
What happened? Was it Wei Wuxian’s fault?
Opposites attract must have been a lie then. Who wouldn’t believe that after all this time, their personalities and ideals would eventually clash? That must have been a given. And Wei Wuxian. Didn’t. See it.
No, he refuses to see it. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that they’re drifting apart. Why should he? Lan Wangji is all he has left. Lan Wangji is the only one protecting him from all of his past mistakes.
Lan Wangji is the only one.
So, even if he knows, even if he isn’t blind to their crumbling relationship; Wei Wuxian will always act clueless. He needs to save what little he has left. He needs to pick the shards of his broken heart back up and mend it with a wide, false smile.
Please, let Wei Wuxian have his happiness for just a little longer. Just until he can accept that Lan Wangji has fallen out of love. Just until he can accept that he’s lost everything all over again.
Just please. He can’t lose this too.
***
“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian chirped, bouncing his way over to Lan Wangji’s side. The Lan was hunched over his desk, death glare directed to the papers infront of him as if avoiding to shoot it at his lover’s eyes instead.
“Hey Lan Zhan come on, you’ve been with those boring old documents all day. Are they any more handsome than me?” He asked teasingly. There was no bite to it anymore though, it was just a weak and cheap attempt at grabbing Lan Wangji’s attention.
“Wei Ying, I’m busy.” Lan Wangji huffs, voice low. He doesn’t turn around to atleast tell Wei Wuxian directly. It was as if he’d waste energy simply by having to look at Wei Wuxian.
Oh, so that’s how it was now huh? Great.
“Quiet to quieter now are we?” He poorly hid his scoff behind a trembling laugh. “I’m sure the high and mighty Hanguang-jun would much prefer to do me over a handful of stupid paperworks? Hm?”
Lan Wangji unfortunately didn’t take the joke quite well. “That’s against the rules.” He stated, his tone plain and unforgiving as if he was talking to a mere stranger.
“Oh come on! Weren’t you the one who said everyday means everyday? I’m not even asking for anything more than your time anymore.”
The Lan doesn’t reply, his lips pressed into a thin line. Did he finally realize how distant he’s been? He’s probably already known though. Using work as an excuse to avoid his lover made his intentions clear as day.
Wei Wuxian sighed as he sat down next to Lan Wangji. It took a moment for him to gather enough courage to break the silence.
“Lan Zhan…do you still love me?”
The sound of shifting paper is his answer.
***
Living in the Cloud Recess has been growing increasingly more stressful lately. It was easy to talk to everyone at first, his outgoing personality swinging all of his conversations around; but interacting with the other clan members quickly grew akward.
It started off great, when his relationship with Lan Wangji had been officially announced, the Cloud Recess was bustling despite all of its rules. Now, as everything was falling apart, people began to avoid him. They didn’t want to be seen with the person that Hanguang-jun was losing favor of. No one liked a powerless Yiiling Patriarch.
Because that was it. Lan Wangji was the only one keeping him afloat and he’s losing him.
It’s straining to hold on to the coattails of their former love just to keep a small semblance of home and family. He knows he’s not welcome anywhere else so all Wei Wuxian can do is to endure the pitying looks he’s given, to take all of the gossip with a smile, and to hope that there’s still a single ounce of love left between them. Because he still loves Lan Wangji, and Lan Wangji is the only one he has.
Lan Wangji is both his everything and his last treasure.
***
It was raining on the day that Lan Wangji confronted him.
They stood at the entrance of the Cloud Recess together, their first time side-by-side after nearly a week of being apart. Wei Wuxian knew he should have been happy about it but his instincts were telling him that something was off.
He didn’t want to agree with it though, trembling as he stood shoulder to shoulder with Lan Wangji. The Lan’s hand covered his as they both grasped the umbrella together, taking shelter from the rain. Just like the old days when they used to be inseparable. It made Wei Wuxian smile, his heart aching at the bittersweet memory.
“Lan Zhan, why are we out here?” He asked, squinting past the rain and fog to scan their surroundings. It was serene and peaceful, rain pattering like a natural melody. It almost made him feel as if nothing was wrong.
Lan Wangji doesn’t reply; his grasp around Wei Wuxian’s hand loosened. Wei Wuxian looked up at him, questioning.
“Wei Ying, I’m sorry.” Is the response he is given, muttered mournfully into the breeze.
Wei Wuxian stiffened. It felt like there was something more hidden behind the apology. “What for?”
Lan Wangji sighed, eyebrows furrowed. He softly squeezed Wei Wuxian’s hand tighter. You already know what for.
Right, of course he did. Because actions speak louder than words.
Instead of addressing the issue, Wei Wuxian steered the conversation elsewhere. He knew what Lan Wangji wanted to say but unless he was going to say it straight to his face, Wei Wuxian would drag this out for how ever long it could take. He just wasn’t ready to hear it.
“You know, it’s been a while since I’ve seen this area. It looks like all of the plants have grown well.”
“…” The rain continued to pour.
“Lan Zhan, you remember right? We planted something here when we first…” Wei Wuxian trailed off. His smile turned bitter. “When we came home together.”
“Mn.” was mumbled quietly.
“It was just a little bamboo sprout before. I wonder what it looks like now.” He hoped it was atleast doing better than him.
Lan Wangji’s mouth opened like he wanted to say something. His voice got caught in his throat at the mention of the plant but he eventually gave in. “…Do you want to see it?”
Wei Wuxian nodded. “Sure.”
The walk to the garden bed was short and silent, if not akward. For every second that their hands touched, he felt Lan Wangji grow more and more tense. Wei Wuxian simply let go of the umbrella at that point, leaving the rest up to his lover.
When they reached where the bamboo sprout had been planted, he noticed that it wasn’t there. Wei Wuxian knelt down to look closer and Lan Wangji held the umbrella over him.
“Where did it go?” He asked.
“Wilted…” The Lan informed.
Wei Wuxian frowned. “Oh.”
Hah. It was funny wasn’t it? Even the bamboo that they planted together didn’t last.
He let out a disbelieving laugh, burying his face into his hands. “Is that so?”
“…”
Wei Wuxian began to tremble, if it was from the cold or from himself, he doesn’t know. He simply stayed kneeling, his back facing Lan Wangji.
“Hey Lan Zhan…”
“Hm?”
His eyes started to sting, they probably looked red. “I appreciate that you’re trying to let me down easy.”
The wind whistled past them, it sent chills down his spine.
“But it still really hurts, you know?” Wei Wuxian lets out a wet chuckle.
So this was it, huh?
It went silent once again, neither of them knew what to say.
“Can I just ask? One last time?” He lowered his head, resisting the urge to simply fall to the floor and unravel. “I need to confirm something.”
“Ask.”
He wanted to cry so badly. He wanted to jump into the other man’s arms and weep, but that was impossible now. There was only one thing he had left, and he was about to lose it.
“Do you still love me, Lan Zhan?”
“…”
Silence was his answer. The message was clearly ‘No’.
Wei Wuxian’s eyes now brimmed with tears. “I thought so.”
The rain poured over them, droplets of water made both of their clothes damp and dark. The fog circled around them like an endless sky on earth, hugging the two cultivators in dense humid. It was cold, but that wasn’t why he shook and cried.
“It’s time for Wei Ying to leave.” Lan Wangji said solemnly, the umbrella in his grasp tipped from the weight of the rain.
Wei Wuxian’s hands balled up into fists as his tears then began to fall in earnest.
Yes, maybe it was time for him to leave. He doesn’t have a place here anymore. Wei Wuxian had lost his lover; his home and his everything. He had lost the only thing that mattered.
That night, Wei Wuxian had lost Lan Wangji.