Chapter Text
Within five minutes of walking out of the tube station, the grey sky opened up, the drizzle began to fall and it almost felt as though the last two weeks hadn’t happened. Ben closed his eyes and thought back to sitting by the pool in their own private villa – the sun beaming down on him and feeling safe and calm for the first time in a month. It felt a million years ago already as it started to fade and became merely a memory.
It was back to reality with a bump, the sounds and smells of the Square were engulfing him and he opened his eyes and looked up to the ‘Over the Rainbow Bar’. He felt a shudder go through his body as memories flooded back – of the last time he was in there with Jay – taking a crowbar to the sofa. And then to the time before that. He took a deep breath and tried to calm the rising bile in the back of his throat, trying not to think about being up there with Lewis but he was failing.
Just then he felt a hand on his arm, he jumped ever so slightly, but when he blinked and looked down to the hand that was gripping him he recognized who it belonged to straight away and knew it was safe, that he was safe. Jay was standing looking at him – sad that so soon after being home Ben was already confronted with the reality of what had happened to him. The ginger man tried to smile at him but it didn’t quite reach his eyes – Ben appreciated the attempt though and smiled back halfheartedly.
“C’mon bruv, your mum’s gonna wanna see ya” Jay said as he gave a little tug on Ben’s arm, wanting to get him away from the building it all happened in. Ben nodded his agreement and picked up the bag he’d dumped on the ground next to him – ready to start walking through the market and heading to his mum’s house. Just then though Callum walked out the door that leads to Stuart’s flat, his back to Ben as pulled the door shut. Ben froze before he’d even taken a step – unable to move and almost feeling like if he did then Callum would spot him. He didn’t know what would happen if he did – but he knew he didn’t have the strength to talk to him right now.
Almost as if Callum could sense him there, he turned around and saw Ben and Jay standing barely 20 metres from where he stood. Ben was looking at him as if he were a deer caught in headlights and Jay was looking at Ben concerned. He watched as he said something to him but he couldn’t work out what and then Jay put his arm around the other man and lead him away. Callum felt an urge to go after them, something seemed off and while he was angry – there was still something that made him want to comfort Ben and to make sure he was ok. Instead he watched as the two men walked away, a tiny flicker in his heart as he saw Ben’s head bowed and watching the floor as he walked.
He was angry and he had every right to be, the man he loved and who he was planning on spending the rest of his life with had cheated on him, and they’d only been married for a year. But what hurt almost as much was the utter lack of attempts Ben had made to apologize. Yeah he’d tried to talk to him once or twice, but there was no fight there – no ‘I love you and want to fight for us’. Nothing, no oomph and fire. Instead, he fucked off on a lads’ holiday – probably hooking up with god knows how many blokes while Callum sat at home in their flat alone.
Lexi had stayed over a couple of nights – Lola had insisted that just cos Ben had been a wally it didn’t mean that Callum couldn’t still be in the little girl’s life, and he agreed, he loved that kid and didn’t see why he had to say goodbye. A few times Stuart had slept over too – issues with Rainie he didn’t quite know the details of but he wasn’t mad at having the company when most of the time he felt really alone and isolated. And now Ben was back, and apparently still had no interest in trying to fix what he’d fucked up. Callum shook his head and walked off in the opposite direction.
Ben was watching the ground as he walked, wanting to shut out the world and concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. All the benefits of being away from home had evaporated and now the pit in his stomach was growing and threatening to overwhelm him entirely. If it wasn’t for a gentle nudge on his elbow now and then from Jay he’s not sure he’d have been able to find his way home, his brother’s guidance alone stopping him from walking straight into a wall.
When they got to the gate he pushed it open and walked into the yard – the back door was open and Kathy was in the kitchen making a cup of tea. As soon as Ben walked in she reached out and put a hand on his cheek and looked in his eyes, wanting to make sure he felt safe enough for her to go in for a hug. She couldn’t help but notice the emptiness behind them and was sad that the time away hadn’t had the effect on him she’d hope it would. Still, she pulled him in for a hug and he allowed his bag to drop to the floor as he let his mum embrace him and tell him it was ok. He just wished he believed it.
A bit later when he’d had a chance to shower and clean the day of travel off him, Ben walked down the stairs and overheard Jay and his mum chatting. He couldn’t work out what they were saying but he knew it was most likely about him. He coughed loudly to give them the heads up that he was there and took the final couple of steps down before he walked into the kitchen where they were stood leaning up against opposite worktops. They both looked at him as he walked in and Kathy rushed to put the kettle on for another cup of tea. Jay said he’d catch him later but had to get going, slapping Ben on the shoulder as he let himself out the door.
“Everything alright?” Ben asked as he took up in the spot Jay had just been. Kathy turned to look at him, biting her lip and looking as though she wanted to be anywhere else but there talking to him. “Now Luv, don’t get upset or worked up but something happened…” Ben’s eyes widened and he started to do exactly what his mum didn’t want – starting to panic that something bad had happened. His mind raced to Callum, what if something had happened to him while he was gone, what if he’d been hurt and he’d totally just blanked him. Kathy could see she’d set off Ben’s panic button and rushed to try and fill in what happened.
“Peter found out about you being the Walford Attacker and that you beat him up”. Ben visibly relaxed somewhat, relieved that Callum was ok and nothing had happened to him. His own fuck ups he can deal with, but the thought of something happening to Callum was unfathomable. “He wanted to go to the police but I told him no. We argued and he’s moved out – I dunno where he’s staying”. She looked sad and Ben felt even worse about the whole situation, he never intended to hurt his nephew, Peter was a pillock but he didn’t deserve what Ben did to him.
“I’m sorry, I wouldn’t blame ya if you had gone to the cops” he admitted. He thought for a moment and then voiced his thoughts, “I wonder how things woulda been if someone’d dobbed me in earlier... what wouldn’t have happened”. Kathy knew what he meant – if he’d been arrested, hadn’t confided in Lewis and thought he’d found someone who ‘got’ him. None of this would have happened and while Callum would still have been angry, they’d have still been together. “You can’t think like that luv, it’ll drive you mad”. He knew that but still, he couldn’t help with the what ifs.
“Have you seen Callum while I was away?” Kathy nodded her head, “he’s been in the Albert a couple of times but not much”. Ben nodded, not surprised that he’s seemingly been staying away from the places he’d be likely to run into him. He half hoped that Callum had asked after him, wondered how he was. But he knew it was for the best that it was like this, that he was staying away – it was better for Callum in the long run… he was much better off without him and he didn’t want to ruin his life any more than he already had.
“Did you and Jay have a nice time?” Ben nodded, remembering how far removed everything felt when he was in another country and could pretend that what happened was all just a nightmare. “Did you talk about…?” Ben knew where she was going with the questioning and just as he was about to tell her he didn’t want to talk about it there was a knock on the back door and then it swung open as Lola barged her way in. “Back are ya? ‘Av fun on your jollies while you fucked off and left me without so much as a goodbye… your daughters fine by the way”.
Kathy cringed at the way Lola spoke to him, noticing Ben almost shrinking in on himself and she wanted to step in, but Ben sent her a glance to say ‘don’t’. He rubbed the back of his neck as he apologised and said he just needed to get away and was sorry – he should have let her know what was happening. That seemed to calm her somewhat but she was still pissed off. Even before he went on holiday, Ben hadn’t spent any time with Lexi for weeks. He was always busy, or drunk or just couldn’t do it. He’d been acting weird but she just put that down to the split with Callum, although she couldn’t find it in her to have any sympathy since it was self-inflicted with him shagging Lewis.
“There’s a Pride Fair tomorrow ain’t there Kaff, I was gonna take her but you should – pick her up at 2” and without even giving Ben a chance to answer – she barged her way back out of the house and slammed the door shut behind her. Ben and Kathy were left looking at each other and they couldn’t help the small laugh at hurricane Lola and the way she blows through the place.
“Do you wanna take Lexi to Pride?” Kathy asked and Ben chewed on his lip, he hadn’t seen Lexi in so long and he knew he should, but he was scared. He’d been avoiding crowds and busy places and wanting to hide away - Pride is the exact opposite to that. The thought of being in a bright and loud place, seeing people being who he used to be, being reminded that he wasn’t that person anymore, he didn’t think he could do it. Kathy put her hand on Ben’s shoulder, “Say if you can’t”, she offered to him. But he knew he had to – Lewis had taken so much from him and he didn’t want to let him take his daughter too. “No, I’m gonna go, and we’re gonna have a great time”.
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That night Ben didn’t sleep too well, he was worried about going to the event the next day but he was determined. He’d already let his daughter down so much in her life – he was absent for so much of it and he was desperate to make up for it. The fact that he hadn’t seen her in a month was appalling, no matter what was happening he shouldn’t be abandoning his kid again and it was just something else he felt an overwhelming amount of shame over to add to already big pile. He owed it to her to try and do something normal, to give her the attention she deserves.
By the morning he was knackered, the tossing and turning was awful and eventually he ended up watching videos on his phone rather than trying to sleep – a distraction of the thoughts going around his mind. Eventually he’d gone downstairs and gotten a bottle of whiskey - using it to take the edge off and finally get some sleep, a couple of hours at least before he woke up again as the sun came glaring through the window.
He managed to drag himself out of bed and headed to the bathroom for a shower, hoping that the water would wake him up. Luckily it did and by the time he was dressed and downstairs he was feeling more refreshed than he thought he would be. Kathy was sitting at the table as he came down the stairs and she rushed to get up and ask if he wanted some breakfast. He declined and she tried to convince him to have something – but he felt queasy and said he’d just have a coffee instead. While he was away he’d managed to eat a bit, but being back home, he’d utterly lost his appetite again.
Kathy had been worried about Ben and the fact she hadn’t seen him eat since he got home, he refused anything she’d offered the previous night and ever since he’d moved back in – she doesn’t remember seeing him eat anything at all. She hoped it was just a short-term thing but she knew she had to keep an eye on it before it got to be a problem. Ben was pottering around the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil and she went to stand with him. They hadn’t had a chance to talk much since Rocky and Bobby came home not long after Lola left, and she wanted to try and have a chat now, but Ben didn’t seem to be in the mood.
“I’m ok” he tried to reassure her, but it didn’t seem very convincing. She tilted her head at him to show that she was waiting for him to say something else. “Mum, I just need a bit of time” he said, hoping that she would leave him be for now. They’d already had long discussions about everything when he first told her and then he’d spent a fair amount of time talking to Jay too. It helped a bit but talking and reliving it again right now wasn’t something he wanted to do, “just give me some time”, he repeated, and she nodded her understanding. She knew not to push it and backed off, letting Ben have the space he wanted and needed.
“You looking forward to seeing Lexi later?” Kathy couldn’t help but notice the way Ben tensed up at the mention of his daughter’s name. But he smiled and nodded, trying hard to convince not only her but himself too that he was. She just smiled back and touched his elbow before she said she had to get off to work and she’d come and find him later at the Albert. When he was alone he let out the breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding, feeling less tense with an empty house.
He wished he was looking forward to seeing his daughter, but he was worried. He felt dirty and used and the last thing he wanted to do was to rub any of that dirt onto her. She was so pure and beautiful, and he didn’t want to infect her with his issues and filth. It almost felt as though she was better off without him, she needed a proper father – someone who could protect and take care of her. That wasn’t him. He’d proven time and time again how useless he was, how unable he was to protect those he loved. First with Paul, then Callum and finally with himself. If he couldn’t stand up for the men he loved, or even himself, then he didn’t deserve to be anywhere near the innocent little girl. It was only a matter of time before he was going to fuck up her life like he fucks up everyone else’s.
How could he explain all this though? He knew before he said anything exactly what his mum would say, he wasn’t dirty, he wasn’t useless, and he was a good father. None of which he would believe so why get into an argument over it. He believed that and she’d believe what she said, and they wouldn’t ever agree. No, it was better to just keep it to himself, why admit to being even more weak than he already was.
It was still early and he wasn’t due to go and pick Lexi up for a few hours so he decided he’d go and do some work. He’d already let Kheerat know that he was home and ready to get back to work so he got his phone and keys and head off to the Arches, hoping that the distraction of a boat load of cars would be enough to get his mind off the Pride Fair later. It did the trick and having his head inside a dirty engine was more therapeutic than you’d think. The time flew by and soon it was getting closer to the time he was due to pick up his daughter. He popped back home for another shower to wash the grease and oil off himself and took a few deep breaths as he prepared to leave the house.
As he walked across the square to where Lola and Lexi were staying he started to feel nervous, but did his best to hide it. He needed to keep it together for his daughter, he needed to try and be a better dad. As soon as he knocked on the door it was nearly pulled off it’s hinges as the little girl opened it so fast – desperate to see her daddy. She flung herself at him and wrapped herself around his waist, almost becoming a limpet. Ben smiled the most genuine smile he’d had for ages, putting his hand on his daughter’s head and giving her hair a stroke. He looked up at Lola who was stood glaring at him, but when she saw how happy Lexi was she thawed somewhat.
“Have her home in a couple of hours yeah” Lola stated and Ben nodded at her, untangling his daughter from around him as he took her hand and lead her away from the house. Lola shut the door and they walked along the street on their way to the Albert. “Daddy where have you been? I’ve missed you” Lexi said as she looked up at him. Ben felt bad, but there was no way he could go anywhere near her before now, even now it felt strange, to be with her when he was so messed up. “I know sweetheart, I missed you too, I’m sorry”. “Why didn’t you wanna see me?” That hurt, it’s not that he didn’t want to, he just couldn’t – and that’s all he was able to tell her. “You’re here now” she stated simply and he was glad that she seemed to have forgiven him for disappearing on her.
As they got closer to the Albert they could hear the music playing, cheesy pop music carried through the air, all the market stalls were decked out in rainbow flags and the walls were decorated to within an inch of their lives. The crowd of people began to get more dense as they walked along and Ben’s grip on Lexi’s hand got tighter. The street was a hub of activity and there were people in drag, stalls of colourful cupcakes and t-shirts and a hook a unicorn duck stand with the brightest and garish prizes you could imagine. He felt Lexi tugging on his hand to go and have a go and he allowed himself to be lead.
He smiled as he paid some money and Lexi was handed a ‘fishing rod’ to hook her unicorn, feeling better and safer than he thought he was going to. The little girl was excitedly chatting away to the young lad in a string vest running the game, and Ben allowed his gaze to drift around the area. He spotted Callum through the window of the Albert, standing at the bar touching some guy’s shoulder. He felt sick. The urge to go in there and smack this guy, he was flirting with Callum – he could see it and he wanted to get him the hell away from him. But he had no right to be jealous, after what he did he couldn’t blame his husband for seeking out someone else. It didn’t hurt any less though.
Lexi squealed in front of him and he tore his eyes away from Callum as he looked back to his daughter and how excited she was that she seemingly won the biggest, brightest unicorn stuffed toy they had on the stall, and she hugged it tightly to herself as the young lad handed it over to her. He smiled at Ben, a flirty smile that he’d usually be all over but all he could manage was a nod of the head before he put his hand on Lexi’s shoulder and guided her away from the stand.
The area was getting busier and Ben was starting to feel uncomfortable, Lexi wanted to go and get some candy floss from inside the Albert and Ben steeled himself to walk through the door and into an area where he’d be breathing the same oxygen as Callum. He took a step inside and suddenly he felt knock from behind him, someone walking into his back and then he felt a hand on his shoulder, on his neck. He froze.
It was just someone losing their balance and reaching out to steady themselves, but Ben was transported back to that night. Rather than a quick brush on his skin it felt as though someone was gripping his neck again, and he felt the ghost of someone pushing him down, he could feel the material of the sofa hard against his face and he started to panic. He could vaguely head Lexi talking to him, trying to pull his hand to get him to walk over to where the candy floss was but he couldn’t move.
Then he felt someone put their hands on his shoulders, just someone trying to get him to move out of the doorway and stop blocking the route in and out of the bar, but he couldn’t see that. He just felt someone grabbing him and all he could do was try to run away – the flight winning out instead of the fight. He was still holding Lexi’s hand and she pulled herself free as Ben tried to take her back out of the Albert. “Daddy what’s wrong?” She shouted at him as he eventually started to try to leave and take her with him. Callum looked over at Lexi’s voice and witnessed Ben panicking, he excused himself from the guy he was talking to and rushed over to them.
Ben didn’t look like he was there at all - he looked at Callum but it almost felt as though he was looking straight through him. Something wasn’t right, this wasn’t Ben. It was the first time he’d been face to face with him since that day in Walford East when he was with Frankie and he looked like a shadow of himself. His heart started hurting more at the sight of his husband than it already was. He could see how desperate Ben was to get out of there and he touched the other man’s hand slightly to get his attention, he wasn’t prepared to see how much it would make him jump but when he said firmly “Ben” – his husband came back to the room and finally saw him.
He still looked completely panicked though, even with Callum being there, so he offered to take care of Lexi if Ben wanted to go. The younger man took a moment and looked at Callum, and then Lexi before he quietly said “sorry” and rushed away – leaving a very confused husband and daughter behind. Callum watched how Ben stumbled his way through the crowd, trying hard to not touch anyone nor let them touch him and he got really worried about him for the first time since all this mess started.
“What’s wrong with Daddy?” Lexi asked from beside him. “I don’t know, has he been like this for long?” Lexi shrugged her shoulders, “dunno, it’s the first time I’ve seen him since the sleepover” she stated and then Callum got even more worried. Ben not wanting to see his daughter for so long wasn’t right – he adored his little girl and would do anything for her. He decided he needed to go and see him later, no matter what had happened between them he needed to make sure he was ok – which he clearly wasn’t. What he just witnessed was pure fear and a panic attack, there had to be something going on more than just their relationship breaking down. He wanted Lexi to have fun though, so he vowed to let her enjoy the fair before he went after his husband.
Ben managed to make his way through the crowds and stumbled to the Arches, he let himself in and locked the door behind him. He was beginning to hyperventilate, and he leaned up against the door and allowed himself to slide down until he was sitting on the floor and he wrapped his arms around his legs. He put his head on his knees and tried desperately to calm his breathing. All he could think about though was hands on his neck, a hand gripping his hip and the sound of Lewis grunting behind him. He disconnected his receiver and hoped that the silence would be better than sound in his head, but it didn’t help. At least he started to breathe better, the silence at least giving him the space to calm down somewhat.
He stayed there for what felt like forever and then felt able to put the implant back on – the room was still quiet even with his receiver turned on and he pushed himself up and off the floor and went to sit in the chair by the desk instead. He’d barely been sat there for a few minutes when there was a knock on the door. He froze again, unsure of who it might be that was looking for him. He hoped that if he didn’t say anything that they’d go away but soon there was another knock and he reached out to find something to use a weapon – his hand finding an out of place spanner.
Ben walked to the door and raised the spanner above his head – reaching forward to open the door when there was another knock and he heard Callum’s voice gently say his name. He lowered the metal tool and unlocked the door, stepping back so the other man could open it and walk in. He contemplated just pretending he wasn’t there, not sure if he was ready to face his husband but it felt like it needed to be done. He saw Ben freak out at the Albert and he was good enough to take Lexi for him – he needed an explanation.
When Callum stepped inside, he noticed that Ben was still holding the spanner, and his gaze fell to it grasped firmly in his hand. He nodded down to it and Ben looked at it too before he walked back over to the desk and put it down. Ben turned back to where Callum was stood, and he was relieved that the other man didn’t seem to be angry at him. He wasn’t sure he had the energy for an argument right now so was pleased to see an almost friendly look on his husband’s face instead.
“Are you ok?” Callum asked after a few moments of silence. Ben nodded and asked the same, which Callum responded to with a nod as well, “I’m worried about you” the taller man added. Ben swallowed but didn’t say anything, so Callum continued, “you seemed…. Overwhelmed at the Albert” he said, choosing his words carefully. “Like it was all too much, and I wanted to make sure you were ok”. Ben started picking invisible bits of fluff off his top and seemed as though he didn’t want to answer.
“Lex is ok, I dropped her off with Lola”, Ben looked at him with that and said thanks, more willing to engage with him over his daughter instead of himself. “She said she hadn’t seen you since the morning after the sleep over”, Callum couldn’t help but notice the way Ben tensed up at that, “and I thought it was strange… why wouldn’t you want to see your daughter?” Ben looked away again, clearly not wanting to talk about it. Callum took a step towards him and cringed at the way Ben took a step back – an automatic reaction to anyone getting too close and Callum had a thought that made him feel ill. It was a horrible idea he had when he saw how Ben reacted at the Albert – the same way he’d seen people at the police station act after they came in to report something awful.
“Ben, look at me”. Ben forced himself to look at his husband and looking back at him was the man he knew better than anyone, the man he loved more than anyone and he wasn’t looking at him with hate or anger. “I want to ask you something” Callum continued. “That night, when you didn’t come home… did you want to come home?” Ben nodded his head jerkily, “did you want to be with him?” Ben shakily took a breath and shook his head. Callum gulped a deep breath before he continued, “did he… did he force himself on you?”
Ben’s eyes got wide and started to dart around the place, the panic beginning to rise with Callum in front of him, flat out asking him if he was raped. He didn’t want to have this conversation, he didn’t want his husband to know how weak he was, how used and how dirty. He started to chew on his lip and looked down at the ground, hugging his arms around himself and trying to make himself as small as possible. Callum knew the answer without Ben even saying it, but still he needed Ben to say it – for himself as much as for him.
“Ben please… talk to me, did he force you?” Ben closed his eyes and the tears forming in them squeezed out, trailing down his cheeks. He took a moment before he looked up towards his husband with watery eyes and nodded, the quietest “yes” leaving his lips. He was scared Callum would look at him differently – like he was the piece of shit that he felt like. But he didn’t. The way his husband was looking at him was with affection and love, his eyes filled with the same tears as Ben’s were.
“OK… Do you want to talk about it?” Callum said leaving the choice up to Ben and letting him lead the way as to what was going to happen from here, knowing that what the other man needed right now was time and understanding, and he was gong to be there for him in whatever way he needed because no matter what had happened, they loved each other and that hadn’t changed.