Chapter Text
September 1976
I. REMUS
Remus Lupin was not a particularly enjoyable person in the morning. Yesterday's aches and pains had never fully subsided before he was greeted by tomorrow and he seemed to live constantly under the impression that if he could sleep just a little longer, his life would be exponentially better. But he wasn't one to hold out hope.
James Potter rivals the roosters for his affinity for the morning which is why Remus finds himself being shaken violently awake by his best friend screeching something about French people and bursts pipes.
"What the fuck are you on about, you fucking idiot" Remus mumbles into his pillow.
He reluctantly lifts his head though he keeps his eyes shut against the glaring sun beginning to peek through the dorm window.
"Oh c'mon Rem, don't be so mean so early in the morning, it's quite unbecoming"
"Mmmmmph" Remus replies. "What are the French up to now then, James, that you found it so fucking important to wake me up at the fucking crack of dawn?" He says as he accepts his fate and scratches the crust from his eyes and props himself on his elbow to look at a smiling James standing over his bed.
James has this unique gift to be gorgeous at all times of the day. It stuns Remus most of the time, honestly. Although he has enough time in the morning given he's awake before any sane person, James' hair is never fixed. His glasses are always slightly crooked on his nose. His shirt is always untucked and his Gryffindor tie is always loose. Today, the buttons of his white shirt are askew. Remus has never understood how a person can look so unkempt but still so beautiful. Maybe it's because James seems to never notice his own chaos. He operates under a different law of the universe. Remus is stuck under the one where his buttons are always aligned.
"You know that boarding school in Paris? The one that with the fancy uniforms who beat us in the football invitational last year?" James asks, significantly more tame now that he has succeeded in waking Remus up.
"Would you forgive me if I said no?" Remus replies.
He loves James really but he couldn't give one less of a fuck about football regardless if James is the captain. He doesn't know if any friendship could be that strong.
James huffs, "Well anyway, apparently the whole schools plumbing went berserk and just completely flooded the place."
"Hmm, tough luck for them then." Remus says plainly as he begins to get up and gather his least dirty uniform clothes scattered around the room, tiptoeing around Peter's bed. Peter has this superhuman ability to sleep through James Potter and James got tired of trying to wake him up so his mornings are left blissfully, undisturbed.
"No, see that's where you're wrong mate. It's brilliant luck for them because they're coming here!"
James is beaming. His smile threatening to crack his face in two.
"What? What the fuck are they coming here for?"
"Well, they can't just go without an education Remus."
"Yeah, but why here of all places? Aren't they...you know...French?"
James gasps, "Remus! Are you...French-phobic?" He melodramatically steps away as if it's a condition he could catch.
"What? No. I'm just-- I mean, there's no other school they can go to that's not in a literal different country?"
"The paper says they're spreading them out across a bunch of different schools. Hogwarts is just one of them." James explains.
"Why are you so happy about it then?" James is practically vibrating.
"Because Remus! did you not hear me when I said they beat us at football last year? They beat us! Me! And I'm fucking great at football so that means that they. are. better"
James accentuates his words by getting increasingly close to Remus' face so that they are touching noses. Remus can see James' excitement swirling in his big brown eyes behind his glasses.
"You're chuffed at the fact that a bunch of football players that are better than you are coming here? Isn't that a bit backwards?"
Remus is lazily putting on his trousers trying his best to appease James by participating in this conversation but he has to admit, he's getting more lost the longer it continues.
"Duh Remus, c'mon, mate getting to be around better players will make me better, obviously"
"Yeah obviously." Remus says while struggling to put him arm through his inside-out sleeve. He shuffles over to the bathroom hoping James will move on to something else. It's not that he doesn't like French people. Remus just doesn't like new people. He's been going to school with the same group of kids since he was eleven. New people means more stares. More questions.
James' voice comes slightly muffled through the locked bathroom door while Remus is brushing his teeth.
"I just cant believe they're coming here, Rem. I mean, here! Of all places! Can you believe it?"
"Yeah mate its really taking all my imagination. I'm getting woozy just trying." He says dryly while opening the door to James' smiling face.
Honestly, when it comes to being grouchy around James Potter, it's already a lost battle. The best you can hope for is to go down with a fight. Remus thinks he fought valiantly. He cracks a smile and a small laugh at his best friend.
"I'm happy for you James, really. I hope those French football players help you score as many points as possible." He says as he smacks a fat kiss on James' forehead and ruffles his hair making James look just the slightest bit electrocuted.
"They're goals Rem, you know that."
"Oh are they? Must've escaped my attention." Remus says as he noncommittally ties his tie and tugs his bag on his shoulder.
"Well you've gotten me up, aren't you at least gonna get me breakfast too?"
"Of course my darling, dearest, lead the way" James says as he grabs his own bag and follows Remus out the door and towards the Great Hall, ranting about football the whole way there.
**********
Remus and James are nearly finished with breakfast when the rest of the Hogwarts student body shuffles into the Great Hall. Hogwarts isn't exactly as posh as that French school James won't shut up about, but the students are well-off. It's the best school in England, rivaling Eton and Harrow. Almost everyone is some politician's kid, like Remus, who's dad is the MP for their Welsh constituency. The others are offspring of the best doctors and lawyers in the country, like James, whose parents are probably the loveliest, most brilliant pair of surgeons England could ever brag about.
Peter Pettigrew slouches into the seat across from James and Remus at the Gryffindor table, puts his head down, and immediately goes back to sleep. His shaggy blonde hair looks unbrushed and his uniform rivals James in untidiness. James shoots Remus a look as they both watch in amusement as the drool from Peter's mouth drips onto the table.
"Pete, mate, buddy, don't you want breakfast?" James's asks, looking and sounding vaguely concerned.
"mmmmnothungry" Peter mumbles.
"They've got chocolate crepes though." Remus says putting his book down and joining James in his effort to get Peter to join the world of the living.
Peter peeks up from his folded arms and cracks open one eye, "Crepes? Why the fuck have they got crepes all of a sudden?" he grumbles.
"Oh haven't you heard, Pete? We're getting some new French footballers at Hogwarts. James, why don't you tell Pete all about it?" Remus says.
He really wants to finish this chapter before McGonagall's class and if James tells him one more thing about football, Remus is going to knock himself out with the bloody textbook.
"OH Pete, you haven't heard!" James nearly jumps out of his seat to regale Peter with the news.
Peter, seeing Remus' plan glares at him subtly across the table, although he is now putting crepes on his plate and doing his best to look awake as James explains the football match Hogwarts lost last year in explicit detail.
After about 30 seconds, Peter is showing just as much enthusiasm as James. See, that's the thing about James Potter. Yes, he's loud and he's excited and he's never sat still for more than five minutes, but he's so full of love. He has so much of it. Remus is just grateful that he gets some. James is such a change of pace from the drab and dull people that go to Hogwarts. The ones who are only here because they're trying to be their parents. James could be anything. Remus was never one for close friends before him. He didn't blink twice at the scars. He didn't mind Remus' episodes. It's like he just decided to befriend the gangly, mangled, moody kid that no one else had ever dared to speak to voluntarily. Remus is eternally grateful for him, although he still can never be convinced to partake in the cult that is English football.
Remus' reading and James and Peter's animated conversation are interrupted when the headmaster takes to the podium at the front of the Hall. A hush falls over the crowd of students almost immediately.
"As I am sure you have all heard by now, Hogwarts will play host to some new students for the remainder of the term. Beauxbatons Academy is devastated to lose their historic campus to this tragedy. We are all saddened by this epic loss of history and implore you and your parents to open your hearts to those less fortunate--"
"Less fortunate? Like its the bloody fucking rapture that a bunch of posh kids can't go to school in a castle." Remus whispers to James and Peter.
"We're posh kids that got to school in a castle, Rem" James replies.
"Speak for yourself mate, I could go to school in a fucking shoebox, thank you very much." Remus says with a smirk.
He could. At least, he's pretty sure. What's the difference really? He could do without the 1500 thread count sheets and the porcelain breakfast plates. All the people here, with the exception of a select few, are boring as all fuck anyway. Carbon copies of their uppity parents. They have their parents' opinions, their parents' education, their parents' fucking posh accent. Remus isn't delusional. He knows that he's here too. That he has something in common with these other students. But he wasn't born rich like James and Peter. His dad got elected when he was ten years old. He remembers a time before all the handshaking. Before his dad fucked off to his London office and practically never returned. His mum's inheritance and his dad's salary pay for this high class education, one that they never got to have.
He supposes he's grateful. He's met his two favorite people on the planet here, and, although he'd never admit it to his mum, he's grown up here more than that house in Cardiff and that means something.
"--your new classmates will be arriving tomorrow morning. Please give them a warm welcome and lastly, we have one housekeeping note from Mr. Filch," Dumbledore adjusts his glasses and clears his throat, "to whoever is responsible for the, ahem, destruction of the founders statue on the North Lawn, please report to my office expeditiously."
He looks amused. Remus, James, and Peter share glances and tight smiles. Remus wouldn't call it destruction exactly. The statue is a fucking eye soar already, they just made it more...palatable by putting Salazar Slytherin in the Aladdin Sane makeup (Remus's idea) and a sequined dress. It was mild prank honestly, Filch should be glad that's all they had time for due to James' relentless football practice.
The Slytherins were the only ones peeved about it as far as Remus can tell.They are always perpetually whining about something anyway.
The houses of Hogwarts have all to do with the scores of the entrance exam one had to take to attend the school. Remus doesn't really care for the ins and outs of it all, he had taken his red and gold tie and moved on. Although, the Slytherins do all seem like fucking twats to him. Most of their house is comprised of the most petulant offspring the Tories could produce. They're the children of prime minister candidates and ambassadors. For the most part, they are the most exceedingly brilliant bell-ends who never spare a thought for anyone or anything that doesn't set them on the same path as their parents.
"So how do you know they're footballers, James?" Peter says completely snapping Remus' attention back to the breakfast table.
"I don't. I'm manifesting, Peter. There's no way the best teenage footballers in Europe don't come to this school. I won't stand for it." James is nearly stern.
"I wouldn't mind a few art students myself" Remus muses.
"Why's that, Rem?" Peter asks.
"Oh well, you know" Remus feels the blush rise to his cheeks. "A bunch of fancy French blokes talking to me about compositions and landscapes, I just--I can think of worse things, you know?"
"Hmm" James agrees. "Yeah but imagine a bunch of fit French blokes running the pitch at football practices...shirtless." He looks like he is very, very deep in thought.
"Wait...you don't wear shirts at football practice?" Remus asks, quite eagerly.
"Well, some don't. Not all the time, but yeah, you know it gets quite sweaty and all."
"Sweaty..." He thinks about that for a second. Maybe a few seconds. "Peter, did you know this?" Remus turns to a smirking Peter who answers "Yeah mate I did, maybe if you went to your best friends practices, you'd know too."
"And you didn't think to even let me know? Honestly Peter, this is betrayal of the highest order"
Peter holds up his hands in surrender and James is laughing into his tea.
"It's homophobia is what it is Peter, honestly I expected better." Remus says crossing his arms.
He tries to pick his book back up and get back into it but he's not done.
"And another thing!" he says pointing at James and Peter. 'Why on Earth would someone go to the football practices? Isn't it enough to go to the games?"
"Well, I guess so we can talk about what happened at the practice." Peter shrugs.
"Well fine. Since they're so important, I guess I can put in an appearance. Since, you know, there's so much to talk about."
"I don't think you'll regret it, Rem," Peter says smirking, picking up his coffee, 'Frank Longbottom is usually one of the shirtless ones."
Remus squeaks. He doesn't try to pick up his book again.
**********
There isn't really much about the dorm to write home about, Remus thinks. It has three, four-poster beds with some God-awful red and gold curtains and the floor is carpeted by clothes no one can be bothered to put away.
Remus' stacks of books grow up the wall near his bed. His record player is dangerously set upon a few of them. The records themselves are in a milk crate stashed under his bed. He's the only one allowed to touch them after Peter accidentally dropped his Ziggy Stardust and scratched the B-side. The one thing he really loves about his dorm though, is the window in between his and James' beds. It's just big enough for him to fully extend his legs and he spends just about any free time he has reading or smoking or waiting like he is now. Waiting for a certain, most-likely yelling voice, usually followed by a gaggle of giggles.
"JAMES POTTER YOU'RE THE FATHER OF MY BABY!"
Yeah. That'll be the one.
"Well this is a bit awkward Marlene, he's just told me we're exclusive" Remus shouts back down.
"Serves me right for hanging around you irresponsible trust fund babies." Marlene smiles back.
"Are you gonna let us up, Lupin, or do I have to climb up the fucking trellis like bloody Romeo?" Mary yells, she not exactly a paragon of patience.
"Oh Mary, Oh Mary, where for art thou Mary?" Remus says dramatically.
She looks unimpressed.
"Is James back from practice yet?" Lily asks.
She and James have had a bit of a rough few weeks. Lily, Mary, and Marlene go to the public school down the road and last month, their first day of school party got a tad out of hand when James tried to fight one of Lily's friends who said something untoward when he saw her sitting on Mary's lap. Lily was upset because it sort of ruined her party and James was upset that Lily was upset in the first place. "He's a fucking twat Rem. He deserved a lot more than just me yelling at him." James had said when they got back.
"No, not yet Lils." Remus says a bit softer. "I'm coming down though, just wait right there."
He climbs down from the windowsill and makes his way down the hall and the stairway at the end of it. It's meant to be for maintenance use or something but he and the boys broke the lock in second year and no ones ever noticed.
He hurries down the four flights of stairs and opens the door to the girls waiting under the yellowed light outside that is beginning to attract moths.
The girls are all in jumpers and flannel pyjama pants. Since Mary is the only one with a car, she plays chauffeur to Lily and Marlene so they usually show up ready for bed so they can just go straight to sleep after considering they're not subjected to public transportation. Mary has a silk scarf tied around her forehead, her braids tied up in a giant bun on top of her head. She wears an abundance of string bracelets and necklaces that Lily and Marlene have made for her. Remus has noticed that she never takes them off. Her way of showing her subtle devotion. Of the three of them, Mary is the one Remus finds himself the most comfortable around. They're both subtle but impossible to miss, though perhaps for different reasons. She looks like she stepped out of a magazine and he, well...
Lily is the shortest of the three of them, allowing her to perfectly rest her head on Mary's shoulder while intertwining their hands. Her ginger hair is tucked behind her ears. Like Remus, Lily has a penchant for jumpers three times her size so just her fingertips peek out from under her sleeves. She also has the quickest temper, a fire inside and out. Mary likes to call Lils her own "pocket rocket." Lily rolls her eyes every time.
Marlene McKinnon is nearly beyond description. Her eye makeup is always smudged, even now. Remus thinks she just puts on eyeliner to sleep in. Her blonde hair is usually cut by Lily with a pair of scissors in the McKinnon family kitchen at odd hours of the night during one of their frequent sleepovers. She looks intimidating in that rockstar way but she is perhaps the silliest person Remus has ever met. She's not dumb by any means, but the connection between her brain and mouth is loose, to say the least. She reminds Remus of a puppy. A really cool looking puppy.
"Hello ladies, good day?"
"It's about to get a lot better" Mary says as she holds up her bag which Remus knows contains enough drug paraphernalia to get them all arrested.
"That's what I like to see." He says. "Did you hear about that French school that flooded?"
"Yeah, some girls in maths were talking about it today." Lilly replies as they all continue the trek back up the stairs.
"I bet James is buzzing" Marlene starts, "They're known for football, aren't they?"
"Jesus Christ, it's all he could talk about this morning." Remus says back. By the time the stairs finally end, they're all a bit winded. Four flights of stairs on smoker's lungs is no easy feat.
"Fuck we need like, a ladder or something." Mary says putting her hands on her hips and trying her best to take a deep breath.
"A ladder four levels high?" Remus asks.
"Maybe climbing the trellis would actually be easier."
As they walk into the boys' dorm, the girls look unimpressed as they take in the state of the place.
"You people don't have maids at this place and just lose all home training." Lily says as she tiptoes between clothes to reach James' bed.
"Sorry, we uh meant to pick up before you got here, we just...didn't."
"Christ, it's a good thing we're all gay because this shit would be a massive turnoff." Marlene says as she flops on Peter's bed, toeing off her shoes.
Mary sits next to Remus on his bed and opens her bag. It's easier for the girls to get the pot considering they get to actually leave school everyday. Plus Mary's just got her own car. Compared to the girls, the boys live like felons.
Remus takes out the supplies and begins rolling a spliff. Mary and Marlene both try, but no one is as good at it as Remus. Lily and James are helpless and Peter refuses to learn. "But you do it so good Rem, if it's not broke, you know?" is his excuse. James and Peter walk into the room as Remus is dragging his tongue across the paper.
"Oh hey." James smiles as he enters. His eyes find Lily sitting on his bed. He takes off his grass stained practice jersey and throws it over her head with a laugh.
"Evenin' Evans" He says.
"Oh fuck you, Potter, we're back to this?" She throws the jersey on the floor to join the other clothes.
"Yep." James shouts from the bathroom, probably changing and cleaning off the grime from the pitch. "Don't act like you're not grateful!"
"So I hear some French footballers are gonna be joining you for the rest of term?" Mary says in the direction of the bathroom, but it's Peter who answers.
"Yeah, at least James hopes they are. Remus wants art students though"
"And what would you like them to be, Pete?" Marlene asks from his bed. Peter sat on the floor in front of it so as not to disturb her.
"Girls. Preferably ones that are into blokes." He says.
"Yeah, we need some hetero activity in this friend group. We need to be humbled." Mary says, taking the finished spliff from Remus and walking to the window.
Remus kicks the clothes away to make a spot for the rest of them to crowd around the opened window. Not that Frank would say anything anyway, but it's not like they want to be caught. James eventually comes out of the bathroom and joins Marlene and Peter on the floor. Lily moves from James' bed to perch on his empty nightstand. Remus and Mary fill in the windowsill.
They talk about the French footballers or art students while the first spliff goes around. On the second, they whine about the homework and their teachers. The boys about Slughorn's chemistry, the girls about some silly home-economics class they're being made to take.
"Why do I have to know how to bake a cake from scratch? They put that shit in a box for a reason." Mary argues.
The third spliff has them all looking like melted candles. Lily rests her head against Mary's legs. Mary and Remus leaning on the window pane. Marlene completely sprawled on the floor. James' head resting on her stomach and Peter's on her thigh. Everyone is quiet, eyes closed and bobbing their heads slowly to the Pink Floyd album Remus put on. He notices the moon is well and fully up.
"Guys" Marlene, says, "why is it called taking a shit? Like you don't take anything. If anything, you leave it."
No one says anything for a few seconds.
Lily cracks first, the laugh she had been trying to hold in turns into a cackle. Mary follows, throws her head back, and laughs up to the ceiling while putting her arms against Lily's shoulder to brace herself. James and Peter both look at Marlene in astonishment and immediately start rolling around on the floor in a fit of giggles. Remus' shoulders shake up and down as he pinches the bridge of his nose.
"So is no one gonna answer my question or..."
Lily is laughing with such force that she snorts which sends them all into hysterics once more.
Peter is the one who notices the knocks at the door. "Oh shit. Oh fuck. Someone's knocking."
That kicks them all into action.
"Guys? Hello?" Frank asks from behind the door.
"Yeah mate one second." James hollers back while waving a lit candle around to deter the smell. The girls scurry to the bathroom, still trying to suppress their laughs. Remus and Peter jump onto their beds and try to look normal as James cracks open the door.
Frank looks unimpressed. "Yeah hey, sorry to, um...bother you guys but I just got word that one of those new students is gonna be bunking in here so I thought I'd let you know." Frank peers around James into the room. Remus thinks he's doing a pretty good acting job until he looks at the book he picked up to find it upside down.
"Wait, someone new is gonna be living in here now?" James asks.
"Yeah so maybe...clean up a bit guys." Frank says in the same tone as someone's mother. As he begins to turn away, he shouts "Hey Lils, how's Mary treating you?"
"...Hello Frank." Lily says, voice muffled by the bathroom door, sounding caught. "She's doing alright, you know."
"Hey, Frank!" Marlene yells like she just wanted to say hello.
"Hey Marls" Frank shouts back with a laugh. "I think it might be time for you girls to get going, yeah?"
"Yeah, we'll get on that right away." Lily says.
Frank turns to James, "Please don't make me regret telling McGonagall you guys could room with a new student"
"Oh Frank, please. You know us. Of course, you'll regret it." James says as a goodbye and closes the door. The girls slowly file out of the bathroom.
"Whew, that was a close one guys." Marlene remarks.
"Marls...you literally shouted hello to him." Mary says shaking her head.
"What? So now I can't be polite?"
Mary grabs her bag and the girls say their goodbyes and Peter offers to walk them out. Remus can hear Mary and Marlene gently bickering down the hallway. James flops onto his bed face down. Remus can see his heavy eyelids.
"So, we get a new student." Remus says, turning to face James' bed.
"Yeah...what if he sucks, Rem? What if he's insufferable? What if he doesn't fit in with us and we're stuck sleeping next to someone who hates our guts until fucking Christmas?" James says, half into his pillow. His glasses are pushed into his hair, making him look all the more distressed.
"Well, then, I suppose we'd just have to make it to Christmas. It'll be fine though. I'm manifesting it." Remus says with a wink.
James smiles and puts his glasses on his nightstand. "We've got to clean in the morning." He turns and gets under his blankets.
"Fuck." Remus says. Peter shuffles back in and almost immediately collapses into his bed.
Remus falls asleep quickly under the moon shining in from the window they forgot to close.
**********
Given James' sleeping habits, he is in charge of waking Remus and Peter up so that they can tidy the room enough to fit another bed. They make space next to Peter's, across from James. Remus has piled about five loads of laundry in the corner which took more work than he thought so he is already worn out by the time the floor is completely visible.
"What if he's not into Bowie?" James asks while putting on his button-up. Remus noticed he paid special attention to make sure his buttons were aligned today.
"We'll have to kill him then." He deadpans.
"isitbreakfastyet?" Peter moans into his pillow. He helped James move his bed, got dressed, and laid face down as soon as he could.
"Almost mate." James says as he pulls on his shoes.
Remus straightens his tie. He doesn't care what the French footballers or art students might think when they look at him but...he straightens his tie anyway. He pulls his Gryffindor jumper over his head and gathers his books into his bag.
"Do you think he'll be fit?" James asks.
"I hope not. It'd be torture."
"Pete, we're going, are you coming?" James says but there's only a noncommittal grunt in response.
The Great Hall is buzzing with activity. Remus hasn't seen it so packed this early in ages. He and James sit down but he can tell James is too keyed up to stay still. "I'm going to get a tea, do you want one?" James blurts, like he's looking for an excuse to pass time, to move.
"Yeah sure, you know what to get." Remus answers as he pulls his book from his bag. They're doing Shakespeare in McGonagall's class and Remus is trying to get ahead. Not that he has to, but he has a bit of a thing for the classics. He committed Hamlet's soliloquy to memory last summer. James and Peter just read the books they're assigned but Remus has made it his personal business to read every book Minerva McGonagall has ever mentioned. She's taken to giving him recommendations and he abides by them religiously. He's honestly just happy to have a class he excels at. Not that many give him trouble but chemistry and maths don't click for him the way they do for James and Peter.
James sets his tea down in front of him and it seems he met Peter in line as they both plop down at the table. As Dumbledore rises from his seat at the front of the hall, the crowd goes silent in anticipation.
"Good morning everyone. Our guests from Beauxbatons have arrived and I won't keep you in suspense any longer, everyone welcome our newest fifth, and sixth years."
Every head turns abruptly to the doors of the Great Hall that open with a loud clamor. About 30 students of various ages file in rigid rows, their steps perfectly in time. They're all wearing the Beauxbatons signature powder blue. The girls in blouses and skirts, the boys in blazers and ties, all expertly tailored. Remus watches along with the rest of the Hogwarts student body. He thinks he can hear their collective thought: "Holy hell, they're fucking gorgeous." It's unfair, Remus thinks, as they march past the Gryffindor table and towards the front of the hall.
"Fucking hell." Peter says, though it sounds like the thought just escaped his mouth without his knowing it.
"Yeah..." Remus mutters. He's aware of his jaw on the floor and closes his mouth hoping no one saw him so openly entranced. He looks around to make sure and catches the eye of one of the new students. Remus immediately averts his eyes. "Jesus Christ." he says on accident.
That one.
He's just. Well, Remus doesn't exactly know. He hasn't read enough books to give him the vocabulary to describe him. Remus dares another look to find the boy's eyes staring intensely forward, unseeing as the rest of his peers file in line. Like he's not deigning to look at all of the ogling eyes watching their every move. Remus is no different than his classmates. He can't stop staring. He knows there are other ones to look at but he doesn't want to. He doesn't think he wants to look at anything else maybe ever. Remus takes him in from top to bottom. His long, jet-black hair that teases the collar of his stiff white shirt. Good god. Remus knows just from looking at it that it's soft. He knows his fingers wouldn't tangle and tug at any knots. He wants to try though. The boy looks tall, not taller than Remus but people rarely are. Remus knows he'd have to bend his head to kiss--
No, moving on. The boy has sharp cheekbones and an even sharper jawline. Remus wants to lick--
Remus gets stuck on his eyes. The ones that are still staring blankly forward. They look distinctly unkind. Like they're made of stone and were just set in his head to fill the sockets. He looks...cold. Like he's not really there.
"Someone caught your eye, Rem?" Peter wiggles his eyebrows. Remus is snapped back to consciousness. He's not sure how long he sat there catatonic, but Dumbledore is talking again.
"I-what? I mean-no fuck- uh I mean you know" Remus clears his throat and vaguely gestures.
"Ever the wordsmith." Peter sighs, "don't worry, Rem. James is just sat there dazed too. Honestly, the pair of you need to learn some subtlety."
Remus hears the cheers from the Hufflepuff table as their new students are sorted. Some of the Beauxbatons students leave the line.The mention of James' name snaps his attention back to the table.
"I was absolutely not doing that Peter. 'Dazed?' Are you kidding? What do you mean 'dazed?' I was not dazed, I was just," James swallows, looking caught "observing." He straightens his tie to signify seriousness.
"Yeah okay James, you were just 'observing' that bloke third from the right." Peter says quietly.
Remus looks up with interest and nearly loses his breath at the similarity to the boy of Remus' own observing. They're standing a few people apart but that stare is identical. Remus' boy--
Nope.
The one Remus was looking at respectfully is slightly taller and looks a bit older. The cheers from the Ravenclaw jolt him from his concentration.
"Fuck why am I nervous?" James says wiping his clammy hands on his trousers.
"On to Gryffindor..." Dumbledore begins.
"Do you think its random or did they have to take the test?" Peter asks.
"Shhh" Remus and James bite back in unison.
"Our new fifth and sixth year Lions will be Alice Fortescue, Bridgette Thomas, Sirius Black, Marie de la Cœur, and Mathilde Laurent. Please take your seats with our friends in red," Dumbledore instructs.
Remus is sure his heart well and truly skipped a beat as he watched the boy begin moving towards his table. The only boy. That means...he was their new roommate. Remus' face fell at the realization. It would be his luck that he has to share a bathroom with someone who looks like that.
Sirius Black sits farther down the table and keeps that cold stare in place, daring anyone to look. Remus does though. How could he just look away?
He taps James' shoulder who is still intensely focused on the one third from the right, though now James looked a bit subdued. "That's the one who's moving in," Remus whispers and covertly points down the table. James follows his direction.
"Fucking hell," he says.
"Ditto."
Dumbledore continues, although, by process of elimination, everyone knows where the last few are headed. "Moving onto Slytherin house, we have an abundance of fifth years, it seems. Please welcome Evan Rosier, Bartimus Crouch Jr., Dorcas Medowes, Regulus Black, Daphne Greengrass, and Frederick Mulciber." There are slight cheers. The Beauxbatons students show no identifiable emotion. They just take their seats at the table and look toward Dumbledore as he finishes his speech.
James makes a noise of discontent.
"Yeah, that's tough luck mate," Peter says while sipping his tea. James whines and slams his forehead into the table, attracting the attention of onlookers.
"Jesus fucking Christ James, he's in Slytherin, not dead." Peter says.
"Might as well be."
"C'mon mate you didn't even know he existed ten minutes ago."'
"But I do now, don't you get it? Now I do, and he's gone."
"He's literally sat one table away"
"Gone. Gone forever," James says with a certain finality.
Remus understands. Really, he does. He's spent most of the last few minutes darting his eyes down the table and preparing what he's going to say when they're formally introduced to Sirius as his roommates.
He looks back to Sirius. His eyes scan up from the impeccably shined shoes, to the perfectly creased trousers, to the hands that are sat atop the table twiddling a signet ring, to that fucking jawline again, and finally his eyes. Where he expects to find that same cold indignation as before, Remus finds a dare. Sirius Black's eyes are sharp. A stormy grey that makes his powder blue uniform seem like an administrative decision that benefits only him.
Remus is looking and Sirius is looking back.
Remus is used to stares with a face like his but Sirius isn't just staring. He meets Remus' eyes like it's a match he has to win. Remus isn't sure if a staring contest is below them or not but he doesn't care. He isn't about to lose. Sirius' gaze is one Remus can tell is intimidating to most. They would look away in fear or embarrassment or in apology for making the attempt to meet his eyes. But Remus isn't scared of much and he will not stop looking at Sirius Black. He can sit here forever, he thinks. This contest of theirs becomes the sole focus of Remus' attention. The sounds of hundreds of students mingling fade. James and Peter's commentary becomes white noise. Sirius leans forward, looking fierce. Remus can tell he wants to win. Remus arches an eyebrow as if to say "Oh really?" and leans in himself. Both of them are completely intent on winning whatever this is.
What Sirius doesn't know though, is that the clock in Hogwarts is obnoxiously loud. So when the 9:00 hour begins with the clang of the bell, Sirius blinks, jumping back, startled. He straightens to see all of the students beginning to get up and begin their schedule. He looks to Remus who is, of course, still looking. Remus smirks. He's won. He can see Sirius huff and turn away to join the other students.
Remus finally rejoins Peter and James to find them still enthralled in their own conversation which has now turned into a bargaining bid for each other's homework. The three of them grab their bags and begin walking toward Mcgonagall's classroom. As they're leaving, Remus catches James giving one last forlorn look to the Slytherin table. Remus tries, but Sirius Black has disappeared into the crowd. He begins to wonder if he's won at all.
**********
II. JAMES
James rushes into the dorm and notices the extra bed that wasn't there this morning. It reminds him of how he was so intent on making today a good day. He was on his way to Slughorn's when it started. The shaky hands, the tight feeling in his chest. He stopped in the middle of the crowded corridor trying to take deep breaths. Someone nearly pushed him and spat "get out of the way Potter." The boy said his name like it was a curse. James' eyes well up almost instantly.
Thank God the dorm is empty and no one can see his shaky hands trying to dig through Remus' nightstand. He finds the emergency pack of cigarettes pushed all the way to the back of the drawer. He grabs the matches and tries to strike one but it breaks between his fingers.
"Fuck. Please" He tries again. The next match won't catch a flame. He lets out a pathetic whine. He picks up another and takes a deep breath. A small fire lights at the end and James rushes to light the cigarette between his lips.
Inhale.
Exhale.
He walks to the window which he finds already open. He takes up Remus' usual spot. He doesn't know what started it. Everything was fine and then it wasn't. He was just paralyzed. Panic attacks are something James is used to but the familiarity doesn't make them any easier. The aftermath is usually worse than the actual anxiety itself. The self-deprecation that James can't help.
Why is he like this?
Inhale. Exhale.
He knows he can be a bit spoiled. He is the only child of Effie and Fleamont Potter after all, it's not exactly his fault that he has such a low tolerance for not getting what he wants.
And oh, how he wants.
He wants to be different. Better
He wants the world. He wants to be everything or nothing at all.
Why should he be so selfish? His life is practically fucking perfect, who is he to want so much?
He spends so much of his time taking up space. Filling in the gaps. He just doesn't want to get lost in the shuffle. If he just makes himself big enough so he's impossible to ignore, maybe he won't get left behind.
Inhale. Exhale.
James wants to rest.
He wants to sit back and not be the first line of defense. But if he bows out, if he steps back, would they notice? Would they bring him along if he's not the obnoxious fool he's made himself into?
Inhale.
He wanted that boy to look at him.
Exhale.
Why didn't he? Didn't he notice James' eyes on him? All he wanted was one look.
He saw how Remus and Sirius Black looked at one another. Couldn't James be so lucky?
He ashes the cigarette on the windowsill. He breathes in deep. He can feel the tears trail down his cheeks. He hopes no one walks in while the perennially cheerful James Potter is crying. That would be in bad form.
Inhale.
The smoke burns and he holds it. How long can it swirl in his lungs before they give up? How much longer does the rest of him have?
He shudders as the thought crosses his mind. No, please don't go there. Not now.
The door opens with no preamble and James is so startled the smoke comes tumbling out of his mouth in a fit of coughs. Sirius Black is standing in the doorframe holding a trunk at his side and his Beauxbaton's blazer over his shoulder.
He arches an eyebrow, "Am I interrupting?" he drawls. His accent sounds vaguely French.
"Um nah sorry mate I didn't hear you come up." James tries to talk over the lump in his throat while still sputtering a few leftover coughs. He turns and wipes his face quickly.
"Aren't you meant to be in class?" A reprimand. Sirius has moved to place his trunk in front of the bed he rightly assumed was his. His blazer lazily tossed on top of it.
"I skipped."
James hopes he isn't coming off too short but Sirius doesn't seem like much of a conversationalist anyways.
"Clearly."
"Yeah well," James tossed the remnants of the cigarette out of the window and checked the time on the clock on Remus' nightstand, "I'll get out your way then." He can't do this right now. He grabs his bag from his bed and walks past Sirius who is still standing crossed-armed with that judging look painted all over his face. At least he didn't ask about James' puffy face and red-rimmed eyes. As he's walking down the stairs and out of the common room, he has two repeating thoughts: Sirius Black has impeccable timing, and he's also a massive prick.
He heads to the library to wait for his next class to start. It's his last one of the day, he can make it through. He finds an unoccupied table in the back, far away from Madam Pince's desk and puts his head down in his arms. It's nearly silent, the only noise is the scratching of pens and turning of pages. He likes to come here to decompress. It's quiet and no one's ever in here due to Pince's zero talking, eating, breathing-too-loudly policy. He lets his eyes flutter closed and lets himself sink.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
His brain quiets. It's euphoric.
He doesn't know how long it takes but the calm comes. His breaths turn easy.
He feels like he's back in the driving seat of his own brain.
The clock chimes and James lifts his head blinking his unadjusted eyes at the mid-afternoon sun glaring into the library windows. He rises, pushes in his chair, and nods to Madam Pince on the way out.
**********
When James went back to the dorm after Flitwick's, Sirius had gone. The only evidence that he was ever there in the first place was his blazer still laid on his bed and there was a new toothbrush by the sink, distinctly separated from the other three. James doesn't see him again until dinner when he sits alone at the far end of the table.
He catches him and Remus glancing at each other more than once.
James' eyes drift over to the Slytherin table while Peter and Remus debate over their top five Bowie songs. He figures that Regulus Black has to be of close relation to Sirius, maybe cousins or brothers. He hasn't noticed either of them acknowledge the other's existence though so it was safe to assume they're not very close.
He interrupts Remus, "What do you think of the other Black?"
"Sorry, what was that?"
"The other Black. The one from this morning." James nods in the direction of the Slytherin table where Regulus is practically holding court.
"I mean, I dunno mate. He seems to have a lot more friends than his brother."
"They're brothers?"
"Yeah, I heard it from the new girl Alice earlier. She's quite nice, you know."
"Sirius walked in on me smoking earlier."
Peter pipes up, "Oh is that why you weren't in Slughorn's today? I've got the homework for you by the way."
Remus knows that James smoking alone only means one thing. He looks at him with concern but James lightly nods. He's fine now. No need to worry Remus about it.
"Cheers mate, thanks." he says to Peter and then to the both of them, "Yeah he seems like swot to me. Bit of a dick to be honest."
"I'm sure he'll warm up. They've only been here since breakfast." Peter says with optimism.
James looks back to Regulus. He and his friends stick out like sore thumbs in their blue uniforms. They're all laughing amongst themselves. They remind James of his own friends.
The way Evan Rosier is animatedly reenacting some scene with the boy with the wild hair that rivaled James' own, Crouch, he thinks. How the Meadowes girl (Dorcas, right?) and Regulus look on fondly and laugh loudly. Regulus looks funny when he laughs. Like it takes his whole body to produce the sound. James thinks he would like to make him laugh like that. The way that after Regulus and Dorcas have gathered themselves from their laughing fit, James could see them conspire with each other, probably saying things like "they're so stupid" and "I can't believe we hang out with them." That's how Mary, Lilly, and Marlene look at him, Remus, and Peter. He and Regulus are so parallel, James thinks. At least in the way of friends. It makes him smile.
What James does not expect is for Pandora Lovegood to skip over from the Ravenclaw table all the way on the other side of the hall to the Slytherin table, plop down right next to Regulus and drape herself across his lap. He's unsurprised by her sudden appearance. He looks fond, and she looks comfortable like she belongs there.
James' smile drops a bit.
Oh.
He interrupts Peter and Remus again, "That's unexpected." He says using his fork to point in the couple's general direction. He's trying to sound observant instead of bitter.
"Huh?" Remus turns and then follows James' pointing, "Oh that's nothing. Pandora's been with that bloke whose name sounds like a sneeze since like second year or something." Remus says casually and is about to go back to his and Peter's conversation but James isn't done.
"How do you know that?"
"You do know that Gryffindors aren't the only people at this school, right James? It's important to me that you know that."
"But how would they know each other? They obviously just haven't met this morning."
"He's French, James, not from Mars. Their parents probably know each other, just like everyone else's." Remus pauses to look more closely at James, "Are you sure you're okay?" he says a bit quieter.
James clears his throat, "Yeah, I'm fine." He doesn't sound all that convincing to himself. He'll do better tomorrow. He's got to.
"Do you like the little Black, James?" Peter says teasingly, shifting the mood. James feels the blush rise on his cheeks, immediately bashful.
"I'm just, you know, curious." he says. A smirk makes its way onto his lips.
"You should find out if he's into blokes." Peter says while chewing his food like that's an obvious option.
"Well I can't just go on and bloody ask him now can I?"
"Why not?"
"You just can't ask people their sexuality out of nowhere Pete"
"Remus, are you gay?" Peter turns to Remus who was just content to watch their debate.
"As the day is long Pete" He smiles as James huffs, "but I've gotta agree with James on this one. You can't just ask. Especially not Slytherins, I mean even if they're from another school they had to be put there for a reason."
They all turn to look at them. James doesn't think they look like bigots but how's he to know?
Pandora's long blonde hair is grazing the floor from her head's position on Regulus's lap. Her feet propped up on Crouch's legs. She's moving her hands through the air like she's just discovered they're attached to the end of her arms. Regulus is talking to Dorcas, seemingly unaware of Pandora's presence except for his hand gently twirling her hair around his fingers absentmindedly.
"Look," Remus starts, "I wouldn't go around asking people if they're into blokes but maybe Pandora could introduce you two or something."
"Yeah, I mean she's a Ravenclaw too." Peter offers.
"What's that got to do with anything?" James asks.
"Well the likelihood of you being hate-crimed by Pandora Lovegood after asking questions about Regulus Black is significantly less than with his other friends, don't you think?" Peter says.
"Just ask her for an introduction mate, that's all you need." Remus gives James an encouraging smile. James can see him darting his eyes to the far end of the table and his eyebrows scrunch together when he finds Sirius's previously occupied seat, empty.
Remus is right. An introduction. Time to screw his courage to the sticking place. The clock chiming is James' starting gun.
"I'll see you in the common room in a bit, yeah?" he says as he climbs from his seat and makes a beeline to Pandora Lovegood. She's walking back to the Ravenclaw table to collect her things as James approaches.
"Hey Pandora, do you mind if I take up a minute of your time?" He puts on his most polite smile. He hopes all the charm people say he has is working.
"James Potter," she says with a smile "what could you possibly do with just a minute?"
"Well, I-uh. Well--you see, I noticed you're--um--close or not exactly close like that, you know--I know you've got a boyfriend and all." This is going nowhere fast. Pandora looks like she's witnessing a train wreck. James takes a deep breath. At least she's being patient and letting him try to get through this. "It's just, I saw you with Regulus Black and I was just wondering how you know him."
She smiles like she's relieved to be talking about her friend. "Oh, Regulus and I are old friends! We used to be neighbors." She smiles as she begins to walk away and James eagerly follows.
"You lived in France?"
"No," she says with a laugh as they exit the Great Hall, "The Black's are English. Sirius and Regulus just went to Beauxbaton's for school. They're from London, sill," she says it as though it's common knowledge.
"I'm from London!" James says, breaking into a grin.
"Congratulations?"
"No, no, no, no, you mean to tell me Regulus Black has been living under my nose for years and I've never known?" He's nearly short-circuiting.
"James." She says, stopping abruptly and turning to fully face him. "Why are you asking me about Regulus?"
"Oh. Well, I just--I just want to know about the new students and everything, you know?"
She squints at him. He tries again, "Does he play football by any chance?"
Pandora looks less amused. "Yes." She turns back around and walks away. James is more curious now.
"What do you mean? Is he like, really shit or something?" He says, chasing after her. She stops again and James nearly runs her over from his momentum but she doesn't flinch.
"No, as a matter of fact, he's bloody brilliant at football but I don't like that you've used me to scope out your football competition." She looks fierce and James is a bit scared.
Fuck.
"No, no, no that's not what I'm doing. I swear Pandora, I'm just curious about him." She doesn't say anything but also doesn't walk away again. "Look," he begins "Regulus is...well he's interesting. His brother too though I haven't seen much of him. I just, I just want to know Regulus. I want to be his friend. I want to know his favorite color, if he's got a girlfriend, if he's a midfielder or a defender, if he's-"
"Regulus' dating life is none of your business James, and definitely not mine to tell." She interrupts but she sounds kind. Like she knows what he's doing. "But," she continues, "you should know, and this is common knowledge to anyone who knows the Black's so I'm not telling you any secrets," She pauses like she's trying to decide if she wants to tell him or not, "Regulus can't date anyone until his older brother does." She looks a bit sad as she explains.
"Well, why not?" He knows his cover of being simply "curious" was blown as soon as he opened his mouth but Pandora seems to at least understand, and at most, pity him.
"I don't know James, that's just how it's always been." She starts to turn away and this time, James doesn't follow. She turns around before she reaches the stairs up to the Ravenclaw common room. "And it's green."
"What?"
"His favorite color. It's green. Not like Slytherin green though, softer I guess. More like sage." She turns the corner leaving James in the empty corridor alone.
**********
James' day was kind of shit until Pandora Lovegood mentioned sage green. Now he notices it everywhere on the walk back to the common room. It's in the portraits on the walls. On the shoes of a second year Hufflepuff that walked past him on the stairs. He was never a real fan of green but he can see the appeal now. He enters the common room to find Remus sprawled on the chaise next to the fireplace and Peter sitting crossed-legged on the floor beside him.
"How'd it go?" Remus asks as James lays across Remus' excessively long legs.
"I don't actually know to be honest. Have you seen Sirius around?"
"Yeah, he's upstairs. He's pulled his bed curtains shut though." Peter answers.
"Rem, have you talked to him?" James turns his head up to look Remus in the eye.
"He said hi."
"Like a good hi or just a regular hi?"
"I don't fucking know James, I didn't think too much about it." James arches an eyebrow at him. "Okay, yeah I've been thinking about it all evening."
James felt the idea hit him like a freight train. He imagines a little lightbulb floating above his head suddenly lighting up. This is just what he needed. An idea, a plan, something to focus on.
"Remus. My darling, my love, the light of my life" he puts on his cheesiest grin and inches up to place his head fully on Remus' chest.
"Oh what James? I don't like that look"
"Do you wanna date Sirius Black?" James asks innocently. Remus' eyes widen and he sits up with such speed, James is thrown from his position and lands quite ungracefully on the floor.
"Fucking what?"
"Look I saw the way you were staring at him. I know that look. I invented that look." James says from his place on the floor, adjusting his glasses back onto his nose.
"Okay, yeah, so?"
James rises and takes his place next to Peter who has been watching intently with wide eyes. "Have you seen his brother?"
"Yeah...so?"
"Well, Pandora told me that Regulus can't date until Sirius does. It must be a family thing or something, I don't know but we've both got a chance here. Two birds, one stone kind of thing." James explains.
Remus looks at him incredulously "So, you want me to try and date Sirius Black so you can get his brother?"
"No, I don't want to get him. I just...he's fucking stunning, mate. I have to try. And I can't do that without your help."
Remus looks at him softly, "James, I love you but what makes you think I stand a chance with Sirius? You said today that he's a prick. He's said one word to me. And it wasn't even all that nice of a 'hi' anyway, just so you know."
"Oh c'mon Rem, you've got to back yourself. You're a catch! You've got that air of mystery about you."
"...Air of mystery?"
"You can't act like you wouldn't jump at the chance to date Sirius Black." James is getting just a bit impatient.
"It's not that, it's just--what if he's not into blokes huh? What if I flirt with him and he runs away screaming?"
Peter chimes in for the first time, "I just want to pop in and say this is shaping up to be your worst plan yet, Potter."
James sighs, "Let a man dream, Pete"
Peter turns to Remus who is running his fingernails along the hem of his jumper, his nervous habit. "And although I can't see this ending well for anyone, Remus you're out of your mind if you think Sirius isn't interested in you."
"What do you mean?" Remus says, not looking up from his hands.
"Oh, Rem, you would be the only one to see five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact as something other than a clear sign of attraction." Remus looks up in surprise. "Yeah, we all noticed that little staring contest earlier, mate."
Remus clears his throat, "You think he's attracted to me?"
"He'd be blind not to be" Peter smiles, "you're like, the fittest person here. I'm not even sure I can say I'm totally straight because of you, Rem."
"I second that." James pipes up. "Not the straight thing, ew, but Rem, if Sirius doesn't want to jump your bones, I'll eat my fucking trousers." Remus looks bashful as he drops his hands from the hem of his jumper.
"So," James begins, "do we have a deal?" he stands up to meet Remus, holding out his hand. Remus takes it and gives it a firm shake.
"I'm going to flirt with Sirius Black" he says.
"Like right now?" James asks concerned. He meant what he said but he thinks this plan might be more effective at a slower pace.
"Oh God no," Remus says, "maybe tomorrow. He's fucking gorgeous and I have it on good authority that he thinks I'm fit so...I'm gonna do it."
"Good on you, Rem." Peter says.
"Well, if you're doing it, so will I." James says as a matter of fact.
Peter sighs, "This is going to be very entertaining for me to watch."
When he first saw Regulus, there was something there. James knows it. Something worth all the trouble he was going to get himself into by wanting Regulus Black.
And oh, how he wants.