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Lan Zhan woke up because of the stillness. No rustling, no shifting of the blanket or dipping down of the mattress and no accidental legs in his side or arms in his face. No cold feet trying to slip under his calves. But most importantly, there was no one clinging to him like he was a lifeline.
There was a frown adorning his still closed eyes. The room was silent. He couldn’t make out the sound of a brush gliding over paper, of an inkstick being rubbed on stone or simply the breathing of another person. Only the occasional noises from other people in the rather small inn walking around resounded through the building. He opened his eyes and sat up, letting his hand wander over the empty side beside him. The mattress was still warm. Wei Ying must have left only a short time ago.
This wasn’t anything new. The many demons Wei Ying had encountered in his past life, and even after he had come back, would keep him awake often. So it was nothing new for Lan Zhan to wake up because his husband wasn't encircling his body with his limbs like he were a giant pillow. He would often wake up to find the other side of the bed empty because Wei Ying couldn't sleep properly, couldn't bear his own thoughts and dreams and needed distraction. But that meant Lan Zhan would usually see him sitting at the table or simply on the floor working on a talisman or another idea for a new invention. However, this time, Lan Zhan was alone in their room.
He too had had nights where his mind just wouldn't calm down and pictures of the past would haunt him. Those pictures had sought him out after Wei Ying's death. Weeks in which he had barely slept and eventually tried to make the feeling of this gnawing hole in his life and himself disappear by trying to be close to him, by trying to drown himself in alcohol like Wei Ying used to do it and feeling some of the pain he had been enduring, by sharing some of his scars. Pictures had also sought Lan Zhan because of Sizhui, too scared to lose the last thing that had been left of Wei Ying in this world. But sleep would eventually claim him nonetheless, even if it would take weeks. His body and mind had been conditioned for far too long and far too strictly to not find back to their usual routine. Even if the past would intrude in his mind during the day, at least at night he could now find peace most of the time.
An uncomfortable knot was building in Lan Zhan’s chest. It felt like whatever was growing there was preventing air to flow to his lungs, the reason why he was breathing, to begin with, not within eyesight. ‘What if he wouldn’t come back?’, a well-too-familiar voice called out to him.
Lan Zhan swung his legs over the bed frame and reached for his ribbon on the bedside table. Even though he was very well aware that Wei Ying was an adult and could take care of himself, something felt off. He just needed to make sure everything was okay. And if he would only end up finding his husband on a nightly trip to relieve himself, it was better to be safe than sorry. He threw on his outer robe – ignoring the few layers in between – and left to venture through the inn. It was no challenge for Lan Zhan to make his way silently through an old creaking house, seemingly floating over the wooden floorboards. In contrast, the worries inside him grew louder.
Wei Ying had been quieter yesterday before they went to bed. He didn’t even stay awake for another hour like he usually would, working before sleep would eventually reach out for him. But Lan Zhan had simply reasoned this to be the case because they were in Yunmeng again.
He made his way to the dining area of the inn but found it empty. If his husband had felt the need to leave their room, staying inside the inn was probably still too close to whatever he had wanted to get away from. He didn’t have proof that this had been his husband’s intention, but he had a hunch nonetheless. So he headed to the backdoor of the inn leading to the lake.
Wei Ying hadn’t set foot into Yunmeng since they had been chased out of Lotus Pier by Jiang Wanyin. It likely made way for a lot of old and not-so-old memories. Therefore, it hadn’t come as a surprise for Lan Zhan when his husband seemed exhausted and more reserved after they had wandered through Yunmeng while searching for an inn, probably passing many familiar places. He had been unsure whether it was a smart decision to come back after not even a year for Wei Ying to process and calm down. But his husband had been so insistent that he wanted to go see the lotuses bloom during summer, Lan Zhan had thought he needed this. Now, however, he wasn’t as sure anymore.
Opening the backdoor of the inn, Lan Zhan had a clear view of the small pier belonging to the inn. And there, he could make out a clear silhouette of a person with a ponytail, a shy purple-red painting the horizon behind it. He allowed himself to let out a sigh of relief before walking down to his runaway husband.
However, once Lan Zhan set foot on the pier, he could see that something in the picture in front of his eyes was off. Normally, Wei Ying would not hesitate to take off his shoes and plunge his feet into the water. It seemed to give him solace, to give him a feeling of home. The way it used to be. But his feet were tucked in under his thighs, sitting crossed-leg at the very end of the pier, his shoes definitely still on. The way he was ogling the water, it was almost like he was scared. Wei Ying’s posture seemed wary, ready to jump like he didn't belong there and was afraid to be caught and told to leave.
The dull noise of Lan Zhan’s footsteps on the wooden planks caused his husband to flinch, bringing his shoulders up to his neck in milliseconds, his legs shifting as if he was about to stand up. His head spun around and as soon as his mind had processed the information, his posture relaxed again, easing back into the lotus position. Lang Lan Zhan knew that Wei Ying had his guard up more often than not, even in situations where it wasn’t necessary. But his reaction now seemed out of place.
Once he reached the end of the pier, Lan Zhan was greeted with a tired smile by his husband, the bags under his eyes hinting at the amount of time he had already spent on these planks. The lack of a vocal greeting didn’t go unnoticed. Especially since Lan Zhan was hoping to decipher his husband's mental state with the help of his voice. However, a quit Wei Ying was a Wei Ying whose thoughts were wreaking havoc, so Lan Zhan could guess.
He let his body glide onto the wooden planks, assuming the lotus position with a gracefulness that didn’t give away how desperately his body wanted to go back to sleep, his inner clock yelling at him. The two of them sat side by side at the end of the pier, staring into the black water in front of them. Lan Zhan could see the reflection of the stars in the water, the ripples distorting their round shape. The reflection of his husband was still clear enough to make out the look on his face. It gave the impression as if the waves of the dark water were pulling Wei Ying into the pit that was his mind. And as much as Lan Zhan thought it was important to be aware of one’s inner turmoil, his husband seemed to have been diving for too long. Sometimes people had to be reminded that they had to resurface.
His upper arm slid off, more to his left, touching the side of the other’s body. It didn’t matter where his husband was wandering off to, he would always be at his side. Wei Ying turned his head around, first looking at their shoulders and then glancing up at his husband.
“Lan Zhan. Did I wake you up?” He leaned his weight against Lan Zhan’s, his head falling to the side, on Lan Zhan’s shoulder.
“Mhm. Woke up because of Wei Ying.”
“Aiyo. This terrible husband is sorry. I was reaaally quiet. I just thought it’s been so long since I have been swimming in this lake, I just couldn’t wait anymore.”
The atmosphere had immediately changed as if they had plunged into a different ocean. Wei Ying had straightened his back, moved his arms in large motions and had plastered a more energetic smile on his face. Lan Zhan wouldn’t comment on how his husband was using his exaggerated movements to avoid eye contact, to prevent him from seeing the dissonance between his eyes and his smile. In the same way he didn’t comment on the fact that his husband hadn’t even put a toe into the lake despite his claims of wanting to swim. Wei Ying needed this right now. So he let him continue.
“I will personally make sure that you won’t need to lift a single finger during our stay. Do you hear me?! Really, I promise. I will get you all the food you want. There is a huge market in Yunmeng. Their food is soo good. Though you should probably stick to the pastries. The actual food here is spicey, obviously. As people from Yunmeng actually do have some taste. Which you obviously know based on your husband’s culinary expertise.”
Even though Wei Ying did actually let a genuine smile slip at the last part, Lan Zhan knew he was simply rambling to escape the conversation they were inevitably going to have. He seemed to gain a feeling of control and therefore a semblance of safety if he was able to decide the moment of these kinds of conversations. So Lan Zhan didn’t comment on the fact that Wei Ying was talking about spending his husband’s money. Or that they probably wouldn’t be going to the market, as Wei Ying had led them here for an entirely different purpose, even if he didn’t know it yet.
“I don’t mind having woken up”, is all he added. At that, Wei Ying softened his smile and let his arms fall back into his lab, leaning again onto his husband. “Yeah, I know.” Lan Zhan could barely feel the vibrations of his whispering.
Even though the sun was slowly rising, the light didn’t yet reach the pier. Their gaze was again caught by the black pit in front of them. He could feel the rise and fall of Wei Ying’s chest and registered in the corner of his eye the nervous fiddling of his fingers with his robe. Lan Zhan didn’t want to focus his gaze on his husband and make him feel pressured into saying something or even feel too exposed in case he would start to say something. Instead, he leaned forward and dipped his hands into the water, feeling the cold liquid embracing his thin fingers, and cupped his hands. He took them out again and was careful not to spill any water. Without making any comment, he held his hands in front of them over the pier. He kept his gaze focused forward, waiting for the figure beside him to react. When Lan Zhan was already becoming doubtful whether his husband had understood, Wei Ying extended his hands and held them under Lan Zhan’s. Preventing the smile on his face, he slowly let the water drizzle down on Wei Ying’s. He heard an amused huff escape the person beside him.
For a bystander, this scene might have looked somewhat silly. But Lan Zhan thought it was like teaching a child to swim who was afraid of water. You had to show them it wasn’t going to hurt them before they would dive into it.
“You know”, Wei Ying started. Lan Zhan could hear the hints of a smile in his voice. “In the same year Uncle Jiang brought me to Lotus Pier, Jiang Cheng told me that fish would only pee in spring. Therefore, we could not swim in the lake during spring as first, the year’s worth of fish pee had to be filtered out and it was my turn to do it that year.” Wei Ying lifted his head from Lan Zhan’s shoulder and leaned towards the water, laughing. “I was always waiting for Madam Yu to tell me I should go filter the lake. I didn’t go swimming for the whole spring that year.”
“Is that why Wei Ying didn’t go swimming yet?” The moment he had said it his shoulders tensed up as he saw the way his husband’s smile died down and a frown appeared on his face. First, he had thought it was a smooth transition that would allow him to ask directly. But he had pushed too much too fast. He should have been more careful. He would retreat again. However, all of a sudden Wei Ying’s expression softened again. He looked up and focused on the other side of the lake where the colours of dawn were already dying the water in bright orange.
“It’s a lot more fun to swim at day anyway. When it’s all full of boats and you can dive under them and you can see people’s shocked faces when you disappear all of a sudden.” Wei Ying glanced sideways at him, his misfit obvious in his eyes. “Jiang Cheng once even got hit by a paddle when he was too focused on diving faster than me.”
Wei Ying shot Lan Zhan another smile before he schooled his expression and trained his gaze back onto the still dark water in front of the pier. “I’ve been thinking about talking to him.” He breathed in. Lan Zhan could hear the hesitance. “You know, sometimes I feel like I’m disappearing.”
Lan Zhan turned his head around staring straight at his husband. He heard the moment Wei Ying held his breath as if being scared of what he would respond to his confession. “Wei Ying is here. With me. I won’t let you disappear.”
The concern on his face must have been obvious as his husband’s demeanour immediately changed. He turned his upper body around, remaining in his lotus position, and started poking Lan Zhan’s serious expression, trying to make him smile.
“Ahh, I know. Aiyo, don’t look so serious. That’s not what I meant.”
Lan Zhan endured the poking for a few seconds before he took the other’s hands in his own, squeezing them. He levelled his husband with a stare which he hoped would encourage him to keep talking, one that showed him he was listening. Wei Ying relaxed his shoulders and refocused on the water, leaving his right hand intertwined with Lan Zhan’s left one.
“With disappearing, I mean my old me. Wei Wuxian, Head-Disciple from Yunmeng Jiang Clan. Not Wei Wuxian the Yiling Laozu or Wei Wuxian alias Mo Xuanyu. Just Wei Wuxian. But so many things have changed since then. I can barely remember who this person was supposed to be. Most people from my time growing up here are gone. My old home isn’t the same anymore, as well. Lotus Pier is just a copy. A good one, but a copy. I am not even near that copy most of the time. And I don’t even share the same body with my old me anymore. So many things have happened that have washed away who I initially was. I feel like I lost myself.”
Lan Zhan squeezed his hand with both of his, looking him in the eyes once he turned his attention to him. Was he not part of Wei Ying’s ‘old version’ as well? Did he not suffice to make him feel like himself? Did he keep his husband too far away from his hometown? He had never noticed Wei Ying had felt that way. Sure, he was melancholic about the old times. But who wasn’t? For him to feel like he lost his own person, how had Lan Zhan not notice!?
“Aiyo, Lan Zhan. Lan Zahn! Don’t even think about that!” Wei Ying was the one squeezing his hands now, searching longingly for his husband’s attention. Once Lan Zhan could focus on these eyes, looking at him so insistently again, Wei Ying sat even closer. “I am so grateful for all I have now. I can spend my time with you and radish again. Like a happy family. I would have never thought that possible. And yet I have a husband that loves me and whom I love. I would never exchange this for anything!” He focused his eyes on their hands. “Yet, I think something that makes people aware of who they are is their roots. Either how far they have distanced themselves from them, be it in a good or bad way, or how close they have grown to them. And I have lost them. The things that were me in the past. And I thought... Jiang Cheng must be feeling the same.”
“Wei Ying should not feel guilty for the decisions your brother made.”
“No.” Wei Ying looked him straight into the eyes. “But I should take responsibility for the decisions I made.”
“He let Wei Ying down.” Jiang Cheng had given up on helping his own brother when he had needed it most. Wei Ying had only ever tried to help but people didn’t listen. They didn’t try hard enough. He himself hadn’t tried hard enough.
“Aiyo, Lan Zhan. It’s not all black and white. You should know that.” Wei Ying pushed himself slightly backwards on the pier, letting go of Lan Zhan’s hands, breathing in. He looked at him like he had decided something. “After the last time we left Lotus Pier, I’ve been thinking a lot about the things that happened. It was an unfortunate situation that forced many people into making decisions they would not have made otherwise. I, and Jiang Cheng as well, had just tried to protect our own. He tried to protect his family, his sect. He even tried to protect me at the beginning. I can see that now. I didn’t then, as I was too deep in my own mess. We were both too scared to properly listen to each other. We were too scared to look at anything but our own way in order to do what we thought was the right thing. But because of that, we didn’t see, or we purposefully ignored, what else we were about to lose that way. Don’t get me wrong, I know what and whom I was trying to protect was right. But every decision will lead to some kind of loss. Making the right decision is about minimising those losses.”
Wei Ying released the hold he had had on Lan Zhan with his gaze and turned his head, focusing on the orange light on the water again that was creeping towards the pier. Lan Zhan was wrecking his mind to form his response but his husband continued.
“In a way, we are not that different, you know. Jiang Cheng and I, we both made mistakes and failed to protect what we cherished because we were too scared to rely on anybody but ourselves.”
Lan Zhan didn’t know what to say. His husband had his eyes still trained on the water, likely waiting for any kind of reaction. Yet he was, once again, at a loss for words. His mind had come up with ten different thoughts for each sentence Wei Ying had uttered. However, he was not able to put any of them into words. Lan Zhan was only sure of two things:
He felt a nagging hatred for Jiang Wanyin. That man had failed to protect his family, to protect Wei Ying, had left him on his own and didn’t even show any remorse or guilt. He hadn’t made any real attempt to make up for his wrongdoings. He didn’t deserve Wei Ying.
Wei Ying deserved to be happy, deserved to move on and deserved to be free of what had happened.
“The past should stay in the past. Wei Ying should move forward.”
“I plan to do that.” Wei Ying freed his legs from under his body, took off his shoes and sat closer to the edge of the pier. There was a determination in the way he let his feet slide into the water. “And I don’t want Jiang Cheng… I don’t want my brother to belong to the past. I want him to belong to the future. To the present.” His husband’s grey eyes looked up into his. “I want my family to be complete.”
Lan Zhan would have lied if he said these words hadn’t stung. ‘Did that mean their family wasn’t enough to be complete?’ But that was an unfair thought, he knew that. Wei Ying was, in his own way, a Lan now. But he had first and foremost been a Jiang and would always stay one. But would Jiang Wanyin accept that or even want that? The last time they had met, he had seemed rather keen on getting them to leave Lotus Pier as soon as possible. Could Wei Ying even achieve what he was hoping for?
Perhaps the reason Lan Zhan couldn’t see what his husband saw was simply because something inside of him refused to. Because sometimes you hated people because they shared something with you that you resented about yourself. Perhaps, his hatred for Jiang Wanyin was so strong because he was hating someone who had failed to protect Wei Ying like he himself had failed to, because that someone had failed to express himself properly like Lan Zhan had failed to do it and due to that lost what was dear to them. Lan Zhan was making amends. Perhaps Jiang Wanyin could still do so as well, even if just for his Wei Ying.
“Mhm. I want my family to be happy. Want Wei Ying to be happy.”
Wei Ying’s smile spread over his whole face, bringing e wet brightness to his eyes. “Aiyo, Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan. You can’t say these things like that. I am already a wreck. You can’t have your husband starting to cry, eh? And I don’t mean maiden-like, elegant crying, Lan Zhan. No, no.” Wei Ying looked back down in between them, his bright grinning fading. He started to kick his legs around in the water, the new ripples going against the natural flow of the waves. “You know, I’m talking all big here, yet I don’t have a clue how Jiang Cheng might react. And…”
“And?”, Lan Zhan pushed.
“Do I even have the right to approach him?” His husband looked up to him like he was the only person he would trust to answer his question truthfully, an insecurity washing over his face that not many had got to see before.
“Do you think Jiang Wanyin will ever approach you first?”
“No”. A sad huff escaped him.
“Then if Wei Ying wants to resolve this anyway, there is no benefit to ask yourself questions like this.”
Wei Ying’s jaw slightly dropped as if he had never considered looking at it like that before. He burst out in a short laughing fit. “Ha, you’re right, you’re right Lan Zhan. I almost repeated old mistakes. There’s no worth overthinking it. Certain things have to be said. You sure saved me from a scolding from Shijie. She would have been disappointed seeing me backtrack again. I know you would have gotten along just great.” Wei Ying reached for his hands, squeezing them. “Lan Zhan, thank you. What would I do without you, eh? You always know how to fix me.”
“Wei Ying needs no fixing.”
“Hmh. And you always know what to say.”
Lan Zhan didn’t know what to say to that. He barely ever said anything. How Wei Ying found comfort in his answers, or perhaps more so in all the words he didn't say, Lan Zhan didn’t know. But it seemed to be enough.
He felt a ghost of a smile tugging at his lips. Wei Ying apparently saw it and pressed a kiss to his lips, placing his hands on either side of his face. When he pulled back, Wei Ying smiled at him and jumped to his feet. The sunlight had finally reached them, a healthy orange light taking in his body. The way he strode down the pier let Lan Zhan feel at ease. His husband was determined, and he would and could do this, no matter the outcome. He was a man on a mission.
Then Wei Ying turned around and hurried to grab the shoes that he had discarded beside Lan Zhan.
A mission for which he needed his shoes.