Chapter Text
"I'm back! Did ya miss me?" Hu Tao called, swinging her red tipped spear lazily. "Ah, miss Hu Tao, you've returned." The Wangsheng Funeral Parlors assistant welcomed her. "You've just missed Aja- Mister Tartaglia."
"Oh? How unfortunate." She held up a stack of papers. "I was just advertising our mahogany coffin discount. A shame, it's quite the steal, and Tartagles seems like the sort of guy who could use a coffin." Zhongli raised an eyebrow as he took a sip of tea. "Tartagles?"
"Yes, Tartagles, a fitting nickname, no? In any case, what did you two do? Did you make a deal with the fatui on burial rights? If you did, that is perfect, I've been meaning to but haven't had the time. The people of Liyue keep tearing down my flyers - tch, so rude - and don't get me started on the Qiqi protection agency!" Hu Tao's shoulders slumped.
Zhongli inclined his head. "The Wangsheng funeral Parlors Director with her hands full? who would have thought. As for me and Childe, we only chatted over tea."
"Only chatted, hmm? You did nothing else?"
"What are you implying?" Zhongli frowned. "I'm not implying anything," a large, impish grin spread across her face. "I was merely going to comment on how boring that is. But by the way you reacted, I'm beginning to think what you talked about at your little tea party-" Hu tao stopped. A small apparition appeared from one of Hu Tao's rings.
“Boo-Tao, not right now.” She poked the unhappy ghost back into the ring.
She glanced at Zhongli - who had welcomed the interruption from Hu Tao’s pet ghost, was now sitting quietly, looking pointedly away from her.
Trying to become a small presence, the Director assumed. However, she was Hu Tao, she walked amongst the small presences that most would overlook. While she may be childish, she was no fool, and she certainly would notice Zhongli suddenly very interested in the design on his teacup.
Also Zhongli was a terrible actor. At least in Hu Tao’s eyes, while he may be able to fool others, she knew he was a- no, she couldn’t say it.
She clicked her tongue. “Mr. Zhongli, you can’t get away that easily!”
“Now, where were we? Ah, yes,” she paused to place her arms on the table, posing herself to seem threatening.
“When I asked if anything else happened at your little get together, you asked me if I implied something, which I didn’t.”
Hu tao snickered as she continued. “When I asked if anything else happened, your mind went to exactly what you , and you think I know what it is!”
The Pyro vision wielder watched Zhongli’s ears go pink.
“Oh mister Zhongli, if you really did just talk, is it really necessary to hide what you sopke about? Or is it…” She gave him a pointed look. "I know you're hiding something."
“Hu Tao, you're much to nosy for your own good. We merely had a deep intellectual conversation with each other. Must I disclose the details?” Zhongli nursed his now cold cup of tea. “Miss Hu Tao, I have told you the truth. We did not do anything other than sit here, drink, and talk. What we talked about I am keeping private to respect Tartaglia’s privacy.”
“You’re so boring!” Hu Tao whined as she laid on the table, positioning her head so it was below Zhongli’s chin. “I may be nosy, but I need drama! I'll die without it!” She made a choking sound.
Zhongli hummed. “Maybe so, for that, I apologize.”
Hu Tao thrust herself away from him and off the table. “Hehehehehe,” she giggled to herself.
If Zhongli, her underling, would not tell her what the secret is, then a certain ginger would be the bearer of information.
It wasn’t as though she cared all that much about what it was, she trusted Zhongli enough to know it wasn’t anything inappropriate, or that he was trying to take her place as the director of the funeral parlor. But Hu tao was the nagging type, and she wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to tease the old man.
Every time Hu tao had come in contact with her assistant’s friend, she’d been in shock at how tall he was. With an alias like “Childe” it was near impossible to not think he’s very short.
Lo and behold, Tartagles towered over Hu Tao, he was likely even a few inches taller than Zhongli. Hu Tao grabbed her spear, nothing like a weapon to make you feel tall.
Striding out the door of the funeral parlor, Hu Tao started towards Northland bank.
The fiery girl skipped through crowds of people, occasionally sticking out her polearm before pulling it back the moment before an innocent civilian turned into her next client. For what fun was life if you didn't flirt with death?
Hu tao may sell the coffins, dig the grave, and console the grieving. But she truly was just a servant of death, no one could escape it, not even her. Everyone will meet their end, so why shouldn't Hu Tao get them acquainted with it first?
“Eldest Hilichurl got sick / the second one took care, the third one brought medicine / fourth Hilichurl prepared...”
Hu Tao sang under her breath as she climbed the steps to Northland bank.
“State your business!” A gruff Fatui member barked from his post in front of the bank. Hu Tao scoffed. “I’m going to the bank?” She gestured at the door.
Hu tao couldn’t tell, but it seemed the Fatui had flushed beneath his mask - embarrassment, maybe? Or was it anger? He nodded at the door, “enter.”
Hu tao did.
The outside of Northland bank was misleading. The outside made the bank appear small, as soon as you stepped in, your entire surroundings changed.
With a high, vaulted ceiling, dark oak wood, and the shimmer of the Mora that the bank held, it was pretty spectacular. But to Hu Tao, the bank was just another stuffy building.
Aside from the fact that it was run by the Fatui. “Fatui, not even worth the tease.” Hu Tao grumbled - Despite her being there to see a certain Fatui member- her voice joined the many others who were waiting within the bank.
Briefly distracted, she shifted from foot to foot, scratching her sock-covered ankles. Tartaglia, I’m here to look for Tartaglia. She reminded herself.
Walking up to the front of the bankhouse - spear in public view - Hu Tao stood in front of the receptionist, who didn't seem worried about the weapon practically brandished at her. Maybe just annoyed.
“How may I help you?” Ekaterina asked, flipping her braid over her shoulder. “I’m looking for Childe, I have things to discuss with him.” “Mm, Tartaglia is currently busy, but I’m sure we can schedule an appointment with him. You are the owner of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, yes?”
When Hu Tao nodded, she continued. “We can schedule you to meet him in a week. WHat is the nature of the meeting?” Hu Tao frowned as Ekaterina spoke. “I'm just here to talk with him, it isn't a business meeting.”
Ekaterina’s lips pressed together. “We cannot permit you to speak with him unless it has been authorized by Tartaglia himself.”
“Oh Ekaterina, calm down!” Childe materialized next to her, making her jump. Childe laughed at Ekaterina’s shock, while Hu Tao grinned. “Ekaterina, please stop taking your job so seriously, you know I love visitors!” Childe winked as Ekaterina grumbled.
“Hu Tao my comrade! It's been awhile since we last saw each other, and I’m at the parlor often!” Hu tao leaned against her spear. “I wish to speak with you Tartagles.”
If Childe was surprised or offended by the nickname, he didn’t show it. He merely nodded and said: “Oh? Well I was just about to go get lunch, would you like to join me?”
When Hu Tao nodded, he eagerly told Ekaterina he was going on break, and was unsure when he would return, much to the receptionists annoyance.
By the time the pair arrived at Wanmin, the late afternoon sun beat down on Liyue harbor, making the ground shimmer and move with the heat waves.
Most people had gone inside, however, Hu Tao and Childe sat at Wanmin restaurant, cooling themselves down with the ice Xiangling gave them as she prepared their food. Sweating, the blue haired girl ducked back inside the cool indoor area of her restaurant.
Childe rolled his neck, listening to the satisfying crunch and pop of his bones. He smiled. “So, you wanted to speak with me?”
Hu Tao nodded, getting right to the point, she said, “You and Zhongli were talking earlier, and he refused to give me the details on what you two spoke about - very rude - so I’m asking you.”
When Hu Tao finished, Childe laughed. “What we talked about?” He laughed again. “I came out to him, I’m bi!”
Hu Tao looked shocked. She stood up, her chair sliding across the ground loudly. “But you’re like, the straightest, cissest guy to I’ve ever met! And let me tell you, I’ve met a lot of people, both dead and alive.”
Still laughing, Tartaglia told Hu Tao to sit back down. When she did, he continued.
“Well, I’m bi; not straight. There’s nothing wrong with that is there?” Hu Tao shook her head vigorously, but before she could start talking, Childe held up his hand.
“In Snezhnaya, the culture there is, well I suppose you could compare it to ice; cold, hard and unforgiving. Here it’s different, and while I’m not ready to tell the world who I am, I thought my good friend should know, though I asked him to not tell anyone.”
Hu Tao seemed confused. “Why did you tell me then?”
Tartaglia just smiled. "So, did that satiate your need for drama?"
Hu Tao was quiet for a minute. "Y'know, I think Zhongli would have poured all of his osmanthus wine into the dirt than tell me that." She smiled softly. Was it a teasing grin? "You did pick a good person to tell." Childe's eyes flicked around restlessly, unable to settle anywhere, before finally stopping at his feet. The Eleventh Harbinger swallowed. "I think so too…"
A moment later, an orange bear with a chef's hat arrived at their table with the food. Hu Tao grabbed her and Childe's plate and thanked the bear as it waddled back to Wanmin, where the blue haired chef stood like a proud mother watching their child.
The rest of the meal was quiet - a mixture of not having anything to say, and simply enjoying the meal Xiangling cooked for them.
after Childe successfully dropped his chopsticks forty-eight times - she counted - Hu Tao decided to take her leave. Grabbing her spear from the ground and wishing Childe a good day. ("There's no shame in using your hands.") Hu Tao went on her way back to the Funeral Parlor.
･:*:･
"Are you in love with Tartagles?" Hu Tao practically shouts across the docks of Liyue Harbor where Zhongli had been taking a walk. Whether Hu Tao intended to be that loud or if it was just her childish personality, she would never say.
Zhongli didn't turn around, his amber eyes focused on the waves bellow. When she got closer, Hu Tao stuck her hand in front of the consultants face and waved it aggressively. "Hellooooo?"
"You may stop now miss Hu Tao, I heard you perfectly." The Director bounced on her toes. "And?" She looked him dead in the eyes. "Be honest. I know everything."
Zhongli's eyebrows furrowed. "I don't appreciate you yelling such a thing for all of Liyue Harbor to hear. There are such things as discretion, you understand?Nevertheless, I shall indulge you. Meet me at the teahouse, I wish to see miss Yun Jin's performance. Please don't bring any weapons." He said, indicating to her spear.
"Of course," Hu Tao gave a long bow and swept away towards the funeral parlor.
･:*:･
Zhongli was not one to muck about in his thoughts. He was calm, collected and decisive: even at the cost of someone's wallet. But today… he felt as though he was trying to run in quicksand. Because of Ajax. With his easy smile, fun personality and his…um, well his muscles… Zhongli was almost too embarrassed to even think that in his mind. A small blush speckled the archons cheeks.
Of course, at that exact moment did Hu Tao decide to show up.
"Tee-hee, do I see a flush on your face?"
Hu Tao plopped herself right in front of him, obscuring his view of the stage; Zhongli knew was intentional after she said: "I'm not moving 'till we talk."
the Geo user sighed, both hands running through his hair. Quietly he spoke: "I suppose I must…I like Childe, there's no need to mince words." His face was flushed darker now. Hu Tao propped her face up on one arm, one cheek smushed comically. "Thank you for being so honest Zhongli," she slid one mora across the table. "Your reward."
Zhongli ignores the fact that she was obviously teasing him and instead tucks the gold coin in his jacket. Mora is mora, no matter how it is obtained. With a snap, Hu Tao draws his attention back to her. "But for real, do you want me to set you up with him?"
Zhongli looked skeptical. "You can do that? If so, how? And how would I know that it wouldn't become some elaborate way to prank me or otherwise tease me?" Hu Tao chuckled. "Just trust me, I suppose."
"And if I were to trust you, what would you do?" Hu Tao placed a hand on the man's shoulder. "Well, what is something you know abiut Tartagles? Anything, and I mean anything." Zhongli took her hand off his shoulder gently. "Well, he has the most lovely ginger hair."
Hu Tao smacked him lightly with her hat. "And what am I supposed to do with that? Write a love poem about his hair for you to give him?"
"Well I suppose not.… Hm, he does struggle with using chopsticks, and I promised I'd teach him how to use them."
"And have you?" Hu Tao pressed. "No," Zhongli admitted.
"Yesssss!" Hu Tao clapped her hands. "I can work with that!" "How so?" Zhongli questioned.
"With my help, you are going to give some much needed chopstick handling lessons and woo the Harbinger in the process! Isn't it perfect?" Zhongli nodded slowly. "Lets try."
The plan was this:
Zhongli offers Childe the chopstick using lesson that Zhongli had promised. Of course, the Hydro using Snezhnayan agrees, delighted to finally not get weird looks in public.
Then, it begins. With Hu Tao coaching on Zhongli on what to say before each lesson, Zhongli would attempt to… well, flirt wasn't really the right word, - Hu Tao decided she would find a better word later.
The next day, Zhongli found Hu Tao at Bubu pharmacy arguing with the clerk. About what he didn't bother asking. Nodding the the pharmacist, Zhongli grabbed the young director's arm and led her out of the pharmacy.
Coughing, Zhongli spoke. "I have informed Tartaglia that Intend to teach him the art of chopsticks. We have agreed to use Wanmin restaurant as our meeting place, and miss Xiangling has agreed to let us stay - under the condition that we try her new dishes."
Hu Tao didn't feel the need to mention that she had been the one to strike a deal with the fiery chef. "So, when is your first lesson?"
"Oh, ahahaha… I forgot to do that." Hu Tao looked at the older man. "Oh wooow. Fine, I'm just gonna schedule it for you." She poked at him. "Say thank you!"
Two days later, and the meeting was scheduled.
･:*:･
"Ajax, are you bending your chopsticks?"
"Oh…" The Fatui's head shot up. "I suppose I am, but loook!" He showed Zhongli the pair of chopsticks. They were curved at the bottom and twirled togther at the top somehow. "See if I attach something here-" "Ajax, that would make it a spoon, please stop."
Ajax's head wobbled as he nodded. "Of course master Zhongli!" The funeral cconsultant sighed through his nose. "Please, I am Zhongli, you are Ajax; there is no need for such formality."
"Now, to start, you need a new pair of chopsticks…" Xiangling quickly swept by and delivered a new pair. Zhongli saw Hu Tao winking at him from her spot behind the counter.
When food arrived a minute later, Zhongli began. "To hold the chopsticks, follow me. Grip them lightly between your fingers and - ah no up a bit, no your finger don't sit there, alright them let me just-"
Zhongli wrapped his arms around Ajax, his hands cradling the Harbingers own. Carefully, Zhongli guided the other males fingers along the soft wood of the chopstick. Dipping the sticks into the noodles, Zhongli cupped Ajax's hands so he wouldn't drop the noodles back into the bowl. He moved the chopsticks right up in to the hydro vision wielder's mouth, inserting them inside.
Ajax chewed. Zhongli continued helping him use the chopsticks, scooping the food in bite by bite.
"So, do you think you understand the basics?" Zhongli asked as he let go of Ajax's hand and sat back down.
He coughed, a heavy blush was apparent on his face - it almost matched the color of his hair, Zhongli mused.
"I-I do, I feel as though I do understand the basic, thank you comrade!"
Zhongli nodded. "Good, lets us meet up again tomorrow, same time." Childe quickly agreed.
･:*:･
Hu Tao sat criss-cross applesauce on the floor inside Wanmin restaurant. "Well Gouba, what do you think? I agree, they are two pining idiots."
･:*:･
The meetings continued like that. With Zhongli trying to teach Childe how to use chopsticks and woo him at the same time. All while Hu Tao and Gouba discussed the merits of the possible relationship.
One day, Zhongli came to Hu Tao. "I don't know if this working."
"Why? Because he still calls you 'comrade' when all you want is for him to call you c-" Zhongli clapped a hand over her mouth to keep the - likely - inappropriate thing she was about to say muffled. "Y'know, if this isn't going as quickly as you would like, you could try to do a pick-up line!"
"A what?" "A pick-up line," Hu Tao explained.
When the Geo vision user understood, he agreed nervously. The Director seemed well meaning enough, but you could never tell. This could just be some elaborate prank to humiliate him.
･:*:·
Childe and Zhongli sat together, the latter watching the former stab his food with chopsticks. "H-hey Ajax," Zhongli started, "D-do you think you're a-actually a Pyro vision holder?"
Ajax stopped attacking his poor noodles. "I don't even have a Pyro delusion."
Darn it! Zhongli had missed his cue. "Because - um, I… yes you're right. Never mind."
･:*:･
"I'm sorry, I messed it up. The timing was rather hard." Zhongli apologized. "It's alright ." Hu Tao waved him off. "You're just too old. I have a better idea, anyway."
"Tartagles!" Hu Tao yelled towards the ginger male who was currently eating his noodles with his hands. Childe's face split in to a wide grin. "Hu Tao my comrade! How have you been?"
"Yo! I'm not in my coffin yet, so that's okay. Speaking of coffins, can we schedule something? I've heard the Fatui are looking for a coffin supplier? We at the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor would be happy to strike up a deal!"
Childe rubbed his neck. "Well, as a Harbinger, that's not really what I do in business. But I can probably get you a meeting with Ivanka, she's the one who deals with those sort of things."
Hu Tao winced; plan b then. "Well then, here's the truth." Hu Tao lied. "I need Zhongli out of my way tomorrow night and you're going to entertain him. I've booked two tickets for the Pearl Galley and they are for you and him, got that?" Childe nodded.
"I won't be late." He promised. Hu Tao gave him a you better look
･:*:･
Night had fallen upon Liyue Harbor, the sky above glistening with stars.
The Pearl Galley shone like a beacon on the water as Childe made his way to the opulent boat.
Once onboard, the Fatui member immediately started looking for a certain amber eyed man. Childe quickly found him sitting at a table, fiddling with a box in his lap.
"Hello comrade!" Ajax greeted him, sliding in to the seat beside the other male. Zhongli pulled the box out from under the table.
It was simple, not very detailed, but still rather elegant. It was brown, trimmed in gold, and a small card attached to it read Ajax in a fancy script.
Ajax took it eagerly, a childish look in his eyes as he tore through the wrapping.
Ajax pulled his gift out. It seemed to be a winding toy. A little red haired boy in traditional Snezhnayan clothing sat on a block of wood painted to look like a slab of ice. The boy had a small fishing rod in his hands, it looked like he was going ice fishing.
Ajax noticed a small winder near the back of the scene. Carefully, he wound it. The small kid began moving. He pulled his rod back, and threw it with a kerplop sound as it landed in the carved hole.
Ajax peered inside of the ice fishing hole. Dozens of small wooden fishes swam, seemingly of their own accord. One took the bait that the wooden boy had placed down. With a click, thee wooden boy reeled the fish in, his face turning to Ajax with a large grin. The machine froze when it ended and the Hydro user could only gawk in amazement.
"Ah, I was wondering why my bank account had significantly less mora in it." Ajax ran a hand through his hair. "I- thank you, it's pretty spectacular." Zhongli nodded, his face a tad bit red - which didn't go unnoticed by his companion.
"How can I repay you?" Zhongli's brilliant eye's met Ajax's. "No need, I am just happy that it pleased you." Zhongli's ears had began to color themselves pink.
"Actually I think I have the perfect idea!" Ajax leaned across the table, and caught Zhongli's lips on his own. The kiss was soft and sweet, a small slice of Celestia in their corner of the boat, away from prying eyes.
Pulling away, Ajax said, "So, um, I actually kind of like you…"
･:*:·
"Eeeee, and what happened next?" Hu Tao squealed as Zhongli relayed the nights events to her.
The Pyro vision holder was upside down, her feet shackled to the wall simply for the fun of it. Her face was flushed red with excitement and the amount of blood rushing towards her head.
Zhongli took a long sip of tea. "Well we talked, ate and just enjoyed ourselves in general." Hu Tao folded her arms. "M'kay, but did he ask you to be his boyfriend?"
When the he nodded Hu Tao started flailing. "Yesss! I knew it! Get me out of these cuffs so I can celebrate properly!"
There was a loud thunk as Hu Tao's body hit the floor, unharmed.
"I am good! You never would have been able to do that without me, admit it!"
"I doubt I would have been able to do that on my own, for that I thank you miss Hu Tao. You are quite skilled in the art of matchmaking." Zhongli said, a slight smile on his lips. Speaking of his lips, Zhongli touched his lips once more. Imagining Ajax kissing him…
Get it together Morax! He reprimanded himself.
Hu Tao grinned smugly. "I am, aren't I? I should open a business dedicated to matchmaking! I'll call it: Hu Tao's Love Locator!" She looked at Zhongli. "What do you think?"
Zhongli hummed in response, taking another sip of tea. "How about, Wangsheng Wingwoman?"
Hu Tao grinned. "Perfect!"