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“-next weekend.” Garrus was saying. “What do you think?”
“I’d love to get away for-” Ringing coming from my computer in the office cut me off, and I gave him an apologetic smile, before leaving the living room.
“Hi, mom.” I smiled cheerfully, giving a little wave, once I’d answered the call.
My stomach dropped, however, as the sight of her registered. She’d been crying, and she had that look- the one that said, “I'm trying to be strong.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked, dreading whatever she was going to say.
“Your brother...” She trailed off, taking a deep breath. “Your brother died.”
A choked, strangled sound left me, and my legs gave out, sending me crashing to the floor. Garrus ran in a moment later, rushing toward me. I knew he was talking- I could see his mouth moving- but I couldn’t hear his voice. If mom was talking, I couldn’t hear her, either. It was just... an oppressing silence, screaming in my mind, filling me up. An emptiness settling in my chest.
My brother... was... dead? He was...? But how? I’d just talked to him, what... last week? The week before? Oh, my god... How long had it been? Why couldn’t I remember? What was the last thing I’d said to him? Had I told him I love him? Had I told him how much he meant to me?
I’d never get that chance, now. I’d never get to tell him how much I love him or how much he’d impacted my life. I’d never get to see his smile again- through pictures and vids, yeah, but never live. I’d never get to hug him, have him hold me tightly.
There was so much I’d never get to do... So much he’d never get to do.
Oh, god... He wouldn’t be at my wedding. He wouldn’t be there. He’d miss it. He was going to miss one of the happiest days of my life. I wouldn’t get to share that with him. I wouldn’t get to listen to his bad jokes while he tried not to get emotional. I wouldn’t get to watch him try to be sneaky when he wiped his eyes, his happiness for me overflowing.
I stared at nothing, unseeing, unable to form any more thoughts. I just felt so... hollow. Empty. A yawning yearning that couldn’t be met.
The next thing I knew, when I became aware again, I was laying in bed, the blankets pulled up over my head. Curled into a tight ball, hugging my knees to my chest.
Something touched my head from above the covers, and I heard a faraway voice murmuring.
“I wish I could help.”
I strained to hear.
“How long has she been like this?”
The voices were growing clearer- it sounded like Garrus and Miranda. I couldn’t figure out why she would be here, or who they were talking about.
“It’s been a little over twenty-four hours.” He sighed, sounding so sad. “After she got the news... she just... retreated. I can’t think of any other way to describe it.”
News? Had something happened? Whoever they were talking about, I hoped they were okay.
The thing touching resting on my head slid down my side to my waist, settling there, and I realized it was his hand.
Were they... talking about me? What news were they-
Yesterday came rushing back, and that choked sound left me again, sounding like a pained animal. At first, I wasn’t sure where it had come from- but then I realized.
I was gathered up in his arms, pulled to his body and held tightly against him.
“I'm so sorry, Shepard.” He whispered. “I'm so, so sorry.”
“Shepard.” Her accent, as always, tickled my brain. She waited until I looked at her, which took a few minutes. “What can we do?”
I just stared, my eyes beginning to water. There was nothing anyone could do. I highly doubted anyone would bring him back, and I certainly didn’t have the funding Cerberus had had, back when they’d rebuilt me. He was gone. He was gone, and there wasn’t anything anyone could do about it.
“My mom...” My voice sounded rusty, disused. My throat ached.
“She’s... holding it together.” He hedged. “The funeral is being planned for next weekend.”
Next weekend. We were supposed to be going on a vacation next weekend. Did this count? The funeral of my brother, did it count as a vacation, since we were leaving our apartment? What a shitty vacation to go on.
But to see him one last time... It was one that I would go on, no matter what. Another Reaper invasion couldn’t stop me.
I needed to get my shit together- my family needed me. And Garrus needed me to be okay- he didn’t deserve for me to fall apart because of this. Everything we’d been through- everything I’d been through- I couldn’t lose it here.
My brother wouldn’t have wanted it. He would be so mad, if he could see how I’d been the last day or so. He’d kick my ass into gear, demand that I pick myself up and carry on.
“Garrus.” I looked to him. “I need to go home. To my parents. They’ll need all the help and support they can get.”
“I know.” He rubbed my back.
“I’ve already booked you two a ship.” Miranda said, surprising me.
I blinked at her. “You did?”
“I wanted to make sure it was done, for when you decided to go. Last minute travel plans can be a bitch.” A kind smile.
I liked this side of her- she’d become much more relaxed after her father was out of the picture. Spending time with her sister changed her. Softened her. It was nice to see.
“Thank you, Miri.” I murmured, resting my head against my turian’s shoulder.
“I'll get out of your hair, now that you’re okay.” She brought up her omni-tool, typing away, before looking at Garrus. “I’ve ordered food, so you won’t have to cook tonight. Just make sure she’s really okay.”
He nodded. “Thank you.”
“Of course.” She flashed me another smile, before leaving.
“Shepard...” He trailed off, moving a lock of hair out of my face, searching my eyes. “How are you feeling?”
“Like shit.” I barked out a hollow laugh. “But my parents need me. And then, there’s the funeral.” I let out a sigh, rubbing my face with my hands. “I'll be okay.”
He hesitated, squeezing me closer. “One thing at a time. I don’t want you getting overwhelmed, okay?”
“Okay.”
...
My parents and I had gone over the details for the funeral- he’d always said he wanted a cremation, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t bury an empty coffin and have a plot of land for us to visit. Flowers, who would be the pallbearers, who to invite, which church to have it at, who would sit where- family-wise, anyway- which cemetery to bury him in... There was just so much to think about. And I'm sure there was more- things that they’d decided before we’d gotten here.
The days passed by agonizingly slow and yet so fast, seemingly gone in the blink of an eye. And before I knew it, I was sitting in the second pew, staring up at my mom as she gave her speech. Dad had gone on just before her- he’d been right after the pastor.
I would be next.
She moved from the podium, giving me a watery smile, indicating it was my turn. Robotically, I stood and made my way to the podium, staring out at the sea of people- my brother had been loved. The community that my family was part of was filled with kind, loving people. Everyone looked out for each other, and my brother had helped more than half of them, in one way or another.
My eyes fell on Garrus, and I focused on him, using him as a lifeline.
“My brother... was... He was my best friend, growing up. He always made time to hang out with me- watch a movie or go see a concert. Sports games were always fun with him around- he’d get so into it, shouting and waving his arms around wildly.” I smiled a little, remembering. “Anytime I had a problem, he was there. Even if he was just walking me through how to get past it on a call, he was there. He always answered when I rang him. No matter what he was doing.” I swallowed hard, feeling the stinging in my eyes now. “He was the best person I knew. And I can’t imagine how my life is going to be without him, but if guardian angels exist, then I know he’s looking out for someone still. If anyone can become one, it would be him.”
With that, I rushed back to my seat, my hands clenched in my dress. Garrus rested one of his hands on mine, helping me to relax, even if only a little.
The rest of the speeches were lost on me- I couldn’t hear anything other than his breathing, spending the time trying to match it.
His hand squeezing mine brought me out of my daze, and I realized we were the last ones in the church. I gave him a small smile, letting him pull me to my feet and out the door. To where the sky car waited for us, to take us to where we’d bury the empty casket.
Inside, I clung to his hand, which he held against his chest.
The ride was short, the cemetery we’d chosen close by to the church.
The ceremony- the words the pastor spoke- described him aptly. That he was an angel sent to us, and that he had gone back home, to help others in need. I was fine, during his speech. I was fine, when the seven men and women stood up- dressed in their military blues. I was fine as they readied their guns. The moment they fired, I had a visceral reaction- my stomach dropped, and I buried my face in Garrus’s shoulder, sobbing silently. He wrapped his arms around me, rubbing my back slowly, soothingly.
After an eternity, he murmured softly. “They’re going to lower it down.”
I pulled back, wiping my face dry, before turning and leaning back against him. His arms were secure around me, his body holding me up. Together, we watched as they lowered the casket, everyone taking turns throwing flowers on top of it. Hand in hand, we walked to the edge, tossing our own. I stood there, unable to move, until he gently guided me away.
After that, there was the reception. We couldn’t even just stay at the site- we had to thank everyone for coming and listen to them give their condolences. Thankfully, Garrus stood behind me, in the same way he’d done at the burial. Keeping me sane.
...
I felt him settle behind me on the bed, and I rolled over, facing him. Burying my head in his chest.
“How are you doing, love?” He asked softly, rubbing up and down my back slowly.
“I'm... numb.” I answered honestly, my voice quiet. “I don’t know where to go from here.”
“We take it one day at a time.” A light kiss on the top of my head. “One day at a time. That’s all we can do.”
I wrapped my arms around him, feeling myself relax at his words. “We.” I wasn’t alone in this. He was here for me. He was my rock, as he always was- this wasn’t any different.
“Garrus,” I sighed. “I love you.”
“I love you.” A gentle squeeze.
...
I tilted my head at the small box my mom was holding out to me.
“What is it?”
“Open it.” She insisted, refusing to budge.
Wary, I did as I was told. Taking the lid off revealed a locket. A thick locket. The part that held the picture... had a picture of my brother.
I felt the stinging in my eyes. “Thank you.”
“That’s not all.” I looked up to see tears trickling down her face. “The reservoir in the back of it has a pinch of his ashes.”
My eyes fell back to it, and the rest of the galaxy fell away. I would always have him with me. He would always be here, like he’d promised. I hadn’t realized I was crying, too, until a finger wiped away my tears. I slowly looked up at my turian, swallowing hard, before giving a weak smile. After another few seconds, I clasped it around my neck.
The weight of it was comforting.
“Thank you.” I smiled more genuinely, throwing my arms around my mom.
We held each other tightly for a long time.
Eventually, it was time for us to start packing up so we could head back.
“Don’t hesitate to tell us if you need anything, okay?” I said for the millionth time, the lot of us standing in front of our docking bay.
“I know.” Mom laughed.
It was nice to see her with some color in her cheeks. The whole week we’d been here, she’d looked how I felt- like a zombie.
Garrus held my hand the whole trip back to the Citadel. To our home. Even when we’d docked, he kept a hold of it, guiding me through the crowds to a sky car.
When he let us inside, he dropped his bag just inside, taking mine from me and doing the same. Pulling me along to the couch and making me sit with my legs stretched out by my side. Leaving and coming back with a pint of cookies ‘n crème ice cream and a spoon.
I smiled, bemused. “What’s this?”
“I looked into things humans do when they’re upset.” He explained, handing them to me, before sitting on the other side of the couch. “This was the thing that came up the most.”
“Good thing we had this ice cream, then.” I teased half-heartedly.
“If we hadn’t, I would’ve gotten it for you.” Serious.
“Thank you.”
I popped the lid off, digging the spoon in and taking a bite.
“The search also said to watch sad movies?” He sounded confused. “Though, I'm not sure why- none of the forums explained that.”
“It’s to help us cry.” I took another bite. “Sometimes, we don’t like crying. Feeling like we’re out of control of our own emotions. Or like we don’t deserve to. Or because they’re just so sad, they can’t find it in them to cry. Everyone’s different in their reasoning.”
After a few moments of thinking, he stood and came to my side of the couch, lifting me up and setting me on his lap.
“How about we watch a sad movie, then?” Quiet, letting me decide.
“I’d like that.” Nodding. “And Garrus?”
His gaze went from the tv to me, curious. “Yeah?”
“Thank you. For being here for me.” I put the spoon in the ice cream, before reaching up and touching his mandible lightly. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
He turned his head slightly, pressing a kiss against my palm. “I love you. I couldn’t imagine leaving you like this.”
He put the movie on, and we settled in to watch it. When I finally started crying, unsure if I would ever be able to stop, he pulled me closer and quietly held me tight.
I knew it would be a long time, before I was going to be okay. Before I wouldn’t go to call or write my brother and have to remind myself that he was gone. It was going to take time, but lucky for me, I had someone to help. Help carry me. Carry my sorrow and heartache with me.
I wasn’t in this alone.