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Tonight I sit next to my lover, we eat our food in silence. Everytime she brings her hand near me I try to hold it, but I back away in fear of upsetting her. It’s become a routine at this point. Once we’re done eating she stands up from her seat, and leaves me to do the cleaning.
I wash the dishes and as I do I accidentally cut myself. Blood rushes out of my finger, and I quickly wrap a bandage around it. I sigh and wipe away my tears, I am far too old to be crying over things like these.
When I’m finished with the dishes I make my way upstairs to what used to be the room we shared, but recently she has taken a liking to sleeping in the guest room. I see her undress and I can’t help but remember the first time we had made love. We were only just teenagers, we were both quite inexperienced but our love was strong enough to overlook the mistakes we made.
She changes into sweatpants, and an old t-shirt. I gain the courage to hug her from behind, and although my love is not reciprocated she turns around and holds up my face. She kisses my lips, but I know she doesn’t feel anything. I know her eyes are open right now, but I’m far too scared to open my own to confirm.
She pulls away and slowly unbuttons my shirt, kissing my neck, her movements are slow and I can feel her hands shake a little and she takes off my shirt.
I stand in front of her, almost nude. I don’t feel loved, but I’m far too turned on to even notice. The heat that began in my stomach travels further down. She’s aggressive tonight, she pushes me onto the bed. I flinch as my back hits the bed, and my eyes meet with the ceiling. I notice the messy paint job, and it makes me remember the day we purchased this home that was once ours.
Before I dig myself deeper into my memories I can see Sayaka’s face, her body is now on top of mine.
She sits on my thighs and even though we’re both much older now she’s just as beautiful as she was when she was younger.
I reach my hand to caress her face, but she has become better at reading me these past nineteen years. She grabs my hand and kisses it gently, which makes me put it back down to my side.
She gets off my lap and lays next to me. I turn towards her and we both stare into each other's eyes. Just then I realize how tired I am. My eyes start to close, but I feel her hand on my cheek. I blush at the sudden affection.
She reaches and kisses me, this time I keep my eyes open. I’m afraid that if I close my eyes I’ll be far too exhausted and fall asleep.
She keeps her eyes open too, and pulls away after she realizes I’m not closing them. Her hands travel down to my waist and she pulls down my pants to my knees, my panties are pulled down with them.
She kisses my forehead before letting two of her fingers inside of me. I keep my head on her chest. My moans are muffled by her shirt.
Her spare arm wraps around me and pulls me closer, giving me just a little more hope to keep going. I grip her shirt as my moans turn into cries.
I can feel her stop for a second before continuing as I whisper
“don’t stop.”
My soft crying turns into uncontrollable sobbing, but she does as she’s told and continues.
She’s not as caring as she used to be.
I wrap my arms around her and her motions speed up. My orgasm hits me fast and I clench around her fingers. “I love you.” I say as clear as I can, but I must be crying too much for her to understand because she doesn’t respond.
She leaves and I can feel as she dries off her hands into the bedsheets.
I try to reach for her but I can’t. I'm far too weak and tired to do so.
I can see her put on her shoes before leaving the room and shutting the door behind her. She leaves me crying, my pants are still to my knees, so is my underwear.
After crying for so long I realize how hard it’s getting to breathe, I grab onto the pillow on Sayaka's side of the bed, I wrap my whole body around it but I realize that the pillow no longer smells like her. I slowly grind myself into the pillow. I whimper a bit but I’m too tired to continue.
I stand up, and I pull up my pants. I slowly make my way to the kitchen before I take out two childrens plates. I fill them with tonight’s dinner before putting them into the microwave.
I take the plates out of the microwave before placing them on the table. About a minute later I hear the front door open, and the laughter and screams of our children echoes through our once quiet house.
I hug them, and kiss their cheeks before allowing them to eat dinner. Sayaka and I make our way to the bedroom again, but instead of her kissing me and apologizing to me like she always does.
She tells me to sit on the bed. She leans on the wall before she begins to talk.
“I don’t like you crying during sex like that.”
I look away from her.
“I couldn’t help it.”
She sighs.
“Kirari, we need to see a marriage therapist. Or take a break. This is getting out of hand.”
I feel a knot form in my throat and I’m far too upset to speak.
“Staying quiet again?” Sayaka laughs but I can tell that she’s upset.
“Look, we need to seriously sort this shit out, not for us but for our children. I won't let them grow up with unloving parents.” Sayaka stands up straight and she makes her way to the door.
She slams the door behind her and I can hear her walk to the front door.
The door slams and I make my way out of our bedroom to our children.
“Where’d mama go?” My younger baby asks. They’re both only three, far too young to understand.
“Mama is spending time with her friends tonight.” I smile and pat both of their heads.
Once the twins are done with their dinner I get them ready for bed. Once their asleep I make my way to the living room to wait for my wife to come home, but she doesn’t.
I wake up to the smell of breakfast, and the sound of my babies laughing.
I make my way to the kitchen.
I watch my family eat as I wait for the day to repeat itself again.