Work Text:
It’s Monday morning, quite early in the day. It’s actually earlier than Harvey usually comes to the office, just a little before eight a.m., and Harvey desperately whishes he had raised his head a moment ago when Rachel was approaching his desk. She had come to deliver some contracts she had worked on over the weekend and Harvey hadn’t looked up. He hadn’t looked at her but had kept his gaze lowered instead, halfway staring at the screen of his laptop and halfway glancing over at the folder she had just placed on the desk in front of him.
He only very rarely wishes he’d done something differently but when she lets go of that folder now lying on his desk, that folder filled with work he had assigned her to do before—before Saturday night and the Donna incident, he can’t help but wish he had looked up and at her face a second or two ago.
Maybe then he wouldn’t have seen it. The ring. It looks odd, he thinks, weirdly out of place and somehow alien on her delicate finger. It’s a tasteful, even a beautiful ring, but it doesn’t look right. Rachel is beaming when he finally does look up, his jaws set and his eyes not blinking, not one bit, and he nods curtly.
“I need the Wilson brief proofed next,” he says and turns his eyes back to his laptop’s screen. “Preferably before two p.m.”
He doesn’t look back up until long after she has left.
*****
When Mike barges into his office about an hour and a half later and sits down across from him on the other side of the desk, all bouncy and brimming with the big news, he cuts him off before he can even utter his first sentence.
“I guess congratulations are in order.”
He inwardly cringes at how hollow his own words sound in his ears.
“Yeah,” Mike beams and searches for his eyes. “I asked her after—Saturday night. She said yes.”
Harvey just nods and picks up a file which he hands over to Mike, forcing his lips into a small smile when Mike gets up and looks at him expectantly. “Congratulations, Mike. It’s good news.”
“Listen,” Mike says and takes the folder from Harvey’s hands. “Would you go out for drinks with me tonight? There is someth—“
“No,” Harvey cuts him short and averts his eyes, gritting his teeth.
“Harvey.” That damn kid just won’t take no for an answer. Never has and probably never will. “Please. One drink. Just one drink.”
Mike is still standing there in front of his desk, biting his lips and holding on to the file folder with both of his hands. He probably won’t go away until Harvey says something. Shoo comes to mind and, again, No, and also Go away, but for some reason none of those words make it over Harvey’s lips.
“Okay.”
Harvey doesn’t know where that comes from but it seems the only way to get rid of Mike. To be alone.
“One drink. Jameson’s. Ten p.m. Don’t be late.”
“Great,” Mike beams. At least Harvey thinks he does. He can’t see because he’s redirected his gaze to the monitor, but he can hear it in Mike’s voice. “I’ll be there. Ten p.m., Jameson’s. Got that. Thank you, Harvey.”
*****
Harvey has just finished his second drink and ordered his third when Mike arrives at Jameson’s, for once in his life precisely on time. He can see him climb out of a cab in front of the bar’s row of floor-to-ceiling windows and he knows he has left nothing more but a few seconds before Mike is going to be there and ask him.
His thoughts fly back to two nights ago, Saturday night, and to the sight of Donna walking down the silent hallway, away from him. His office vast and empty around him and more and more lights are being turned off in the other offices along the hallway. He remembers not moving for the longest time. And then, that Scarlett O’Hara-like moment of realization. Only it wasn’t Tara for him, it was Mike.
Mike. Mike, who had always been there, even before they had met. Almost always, Harvey recalls remembering that damn Saturday night, he remembers that blasted plantation flashing before his inner eye and tensing at the memory of the two of them being on opposing sides. Of not working together. Of not sharing their lives.
He remembers understanding, suddenly and with such painful clarity, that he can’t lose Mike as well. Not him, never him, never again.
He remembers making up his mind to do something about that, to finally do something, to talk to Mike, to finally let him know, at least a little, at least something, to finally tell him—He remembers not even knowing what exactly it was that he so desperately needed to say to Mike. He remembers being completely without a plan, even without the vaguest idea of how to go about it, but he also remembers knowing that there simply would be no other way. That he didn’t have a choice.
He remembers deciding on talking to Mike on Monday, deciding to ask Mike out for drinks after work on Monday, to give himself and Mike the weekend before—And today is Monday.
And then he remembers the ring. That weird, beautiful, old-fashioned, well-worn, unfitting ring. Monday morning. This morning. Tara in ruins and red dirt clutched tightly in his fist.
Harvey looks down his chest but his shirt is immaculate.
When he raises his head again, Mike is standing there in front of him, smiling, his cheeks flushed and his eyes glittering with excitement.
So beautiful, Harvey thinks, breathtaking really, and he breaks eye contact again almost as soon as their eyes have met. He motions for the waiter and orders another glass of scotch for Mike.
“So,” Mike says when their drinks have arrived, raising his glass to Harvey. “There’s something I wanted to ask you, you know, because—“
Harvey knows what is coming so he doesn’t have to listen. He says Yes, of course he does, and that it is an honor. He listens to Mike go on and on about the proposal and of how glad he is that Harvey has said Yes. Rachel. That Rachel has said Yes. And Harvey, too, of course.
During the following months Harvey does his best and gives his all. And everyone who knows Harvey knows that his best is the best.
They spent hours and hours at René’s, talking cuts and fabric, shirts and ties, cufflinks, cologne, shoes, socks and underwear, and it’s not just one appointment, it’s many. Harvey watches René take Mike’s measurements, the first fitting, the second one and the finishing touches and he accompanies Mike to collect the suit when it is ready. They let Ray drive them home, to Harvey’s condo, where Mike is going to keep the suit until the big day. Harvey cooks for Mike then and they share a bottle of red as well as some glasses of Macallan 36 afterwards. Special occasions warrant special means of celebration, after all.
He plans and hosts the most fabulous stag party for Mike with the finest scotch and the most exquisite strippers he has ever seen or tasted. He lets Mike crash at his place when he’s too drunk to go home afterwards and makes sure that the curtains are drawn shut and that there is a glass of water and two aspirins next to the bed in the guest room when Mike wakes up the following morning. He does it with a smile on his face and a fist full of red dirt in his chest. He tells Mike how happy he is going to make Rachel and that there is nothing he needs to worry about.
Mike stays at Harvey’s the night before the wedding, too, Rachel having insisted on not spending that night together in the same bed, and when Harvey finds him standing in the middle of his living room in the wee hours of the morning, wide awake and staring out of the windows, his t-shirt and boxers looking so soft against his skin, he silently steps behind him and gently places his hand on Mike’s shoulder, giving it a small squeeze.
There’s a look in Mike’s eyes Harvey can’t quite place but it makes Harvey’s throat constrict and his stomach clench.
After an eternity of staring into each other’s eyes Mike nods ever so slowly and takes a deep breath and Harvey allows himself another second or two before he withdraws his hand again, Mike’s warmth lingering on his palm through the rest of the night.
*****
The wedding takes place on a beautiful day in late spring and the bright blue sunlight breaks through the huge glass windows in dancing rays, pooling on the marble floor like puddles of color.
Mike is fidgeting next to him, fumbling with the hem of his cuffs and the cufflinks, turning them round and round and adjusting them over and over again, and all Harvey wants to do is to grab his hand and hold on to it to keep him from doing that. Mike looks so good in his brand new suit and Harvey has difficulties tearing his eyes away from the perfect knot of Mike’s tie and the little bouquet of flowers attached to Mike’s lapel. Lilies of the valley, beautiful and fragile. Harvey almost crushed the tiny blossoms between his clumsy fingers when he fastened the safety pin to Mike’s suit earlier that morning, taking deep, calming breaths as he willed his hands not to tremble.
Harvey has been standing here at Mike’s side, next to the altar, for over ten minutes and he doesn’t understand what’s taking her so long. She should just get in here and they should get it over with.
Harvey wishes he had had a glass of scotch before this or three but he’s as sober as they come. Apart from maybe a little of yesterday night’s drinks still coursing through his system and filling his head with a humming, blissful numbness.
When the doors in their backs swing open and the organ begins to play, Harvey keeps his eyes fixed on Mike’s face.
Mike closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and, after a second has passed, an anxious smile spreads on his face. This is when he turns around and Harvey only hesitates for another second before he does, too.
She is beautiful in her ivory gown and the veil, Harvey has to give her that, even though seeing her like that, walking down the aisle on her father’s arm, causes Harvey’s stomach to drop and his throat to tighten. When he tries to swallow that notion down it takes him three attempts to finally admit defeat. He surreptitiously clears his throat and his eyes dart back and forth between Rachel’s face and Mike’s.
Rachel is beaming behind her veil and her smile broadens with every step she takes towards Mike. It feels as if it’s taking her forever to reach them and when she finally does and Robert Zane places her hand in Mike’s, Harvey has to close his eyes for a moment because he doesn’t seem to be able to look away.
He knows that this will be over soon and he takes a deep breath and turns towards the altar.
After the first couple of hymns and prayers and the sermon, when the minister addresses the parish again and turns to the bride and groom, Harvey’s mouth goes dry.
He has helped Mike write his personal vows and he has heard them more than once when Mike had felt the need to practice them again and again so he already knows what Mike is going to say. He doesn’t listen to Rachel’s words, though. He can’t.
When the minister speaks again, Harvey desperately wants to tune out his words as well but he finds himself utterly unable to. So he listens, his heart beating heavily in his chest and his palms sticky with sweat.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God to join this man, and this woman in holy matrimony. Not to be entered into lightly, holy matrimony should be entered into solemnly and with reverence and honor. Into this holy agreement these two persons come together to be joined. If any person here can show cause why these two people should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
Harvey bites the inside of his cheeks so hard he tastes blood. His nails dig into his palms and for the briefest of moments his knees threaten to give in but when he shifts on his feet ever so slightly, he reclaims control over his body. He can do this.
“Marriage is a sacred union between husband and wife and shall remain unbroken. It is the basis of a stable and loving relationship and is a joining of two hearts, bodies and souls. The husband and wife are there to support one another and provide love and care in times of joy and times of adversity.”
Harvey wants that for Mike. He wants him to have all that, stability, love, a family, support, someone to share his life with. He really, really does.
“We are all here today to witness the joining in wedded bliss of Mike and Rachel. This joyous day celebrates the commitment and love with which Mike and Rachel start their lives together.”
The minister takes a deep breath and so does Harvey. He knows what is coming and he wants it to be over with as quickly as possible. A sharp pain shoots through his body, followed by a dull resonance that Harvey knows will never entirely go away again.
“Do you, Michael James, take Rachel Elisabeth to be your lawfully wedded wife and live together forever in the estate of holy matrimony? Do you love, comfort, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse for as long as you both shall live?”
“I do.”
From that moment on Harvey doesn’t hear anything anymore. When it is time he pulls the small box with the rings from the pocket of his suits, opens it and holds it out to Mike. He watches how Mike puts the ring on Rachel’s finger and how Rachel does the same with Mike.
He leaves the church walking a couple of steps behind the newlyweds and he’s the first to congratulate them after Rachel’s parents. He does that with one of his famous Harvey-Specter-smiles on his lips and it only falters once but it happens when he hugs Mike in front of the church, a couple of grains of rice making their way from Mike’s hair into Harvey’s collar, so nobody notices.
Not even Mike.
*****
Later, sitting next to Mrs Zane at the dinner table after the reception, he delivers the perfect speech. Funny (top ten reasons why Mike Ross is the worst and top ten reasons why he is the best choice anybody can make), thoughtful and sincere (Mike, I know your family would have loved to be here today and I know that they are so very proud of you) and encouraging (I honestly and deeply admire what the two of you have and I j—I wish—I wish you a wonderful life together) and everyone congratulates him on it afterwards and Rachel and Mike thank him with tears in their eyes. Of course his speech is perfect, everything Harvey does is perfect, and he lets the applause wash over him like a warm shower once he is done.
He dances with the bride and with her mother, with her maid of honor and each and every one girl in the bridal party. He eats cake and drinks champagne and flirts with everyone present, sparkling and bright, and he plans on taking one of Rachel’s glittering Columbia acquaintances home for the night and he is about to close the deal over a glass of scotch at the bar late at night when his eyes catch Rachel showing her wedding band to a bunch of her family members and suddenly he thinks he can smell red dirt.
He excuses himself and once the door to the bathroom has fallen shut behind him, he leans forward and lets his head hang between his shoulders. He takes a long, shaking breath and then another one and another until he feels light-headed. He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head quickly, trying to chase the image of burnt, hollow ruins away, but to no avail.
When he hears a sound in his back and his eyes snap open and he raises his head, Mike’s gaze meets his in the mirror and the faint smile that has been playing around Mike’s lips vanishes from his face before the door to the stall has closed behind him.
“Harvey,” he whispers. “What—“
Harvey can literally see how the color drains from Mike’s face in the blink of an eye and Mike takes a step closer, frowning deeply. A second later, Harvey has his face under control again and he refuses to lock eyes with Mike again. Making his words sound light and careless, he turns on the faucet and washes his hands.
“I’m fine, Mike. Everything is all right. Go. Go dance with your wife.” He nods when Mike steps next to him to wash his hands and smiles at him in the mirror.
“Are you sure you’re—“ Mike sounds a little worried and a little confused and Harvey doesn’t want that.
“Yeah,” he confirms, his voice strong and unwavering, and he nods again, patting Mike on the shoulder. “I am. Now go. I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Okay,” Mike replies, still frowning, and after the door has closed behind him, Harvey runs his fingers through his hair and straightens his back.
“A minute. All I need is a fucking minute,” he whispers to himself before he follows Mike back into the hall.
*****
It’s not that they don’t see each other after that, they do. Every day at work, of course, and also for the occasional drink or steak dinner but it’s different. Less intense. Which is good, Harvey thinks, which is very good. A year passes by and another one and their occasional outings grow less and less frequent.
So when, two years later, there’s a persistent knock on his door one fine Friday night a little after eleven p.m., he is surprised to see Mike standing there, looking slightly disheveled and distinctly distressed.
He merely raises his eyebrows, though, and opens the door for Mike to enter before he follows him along the hallway into the living area, watching him run his fingers through his hair repeatedly.
“Do you have something to drink?”
Mike sounds out of breath, in a way, and defeated. Flat and jittery, and Harvey doesn’t like that.
“Sure.” He pours Mike and himself drinks and motions for the sofa and the arm chairs but Mike starts pacing so he stays standing as well.
“It’s not working,” Mike says after he’s taken a long swallow from his glass. “Rachel and I, I mean. It’s not working.”
Harvey watches him bring the glass to his lips again and he can see that Mike’s fingers are trembling.
“I don’t know how—“ Mike continues and interrupts himself when he chokes on a sip of his drink. “She doesn’t want kids,” he chokes out and stops in his tracks, looking at Harvey, his eyes wide and dark. “I do. I want a family, I always wanted a family, that’s why I—“
Mike shakes his head and drains his glass and Harvey takes it from his grip and refills it without saying a word. When the glass is back in Mike’s hand he starts pacing again, shaking his head over and over, and it takes a long time before he speaks again.
Harvey waits.
“She has—“ Mike pauses and bites his lips. “There is—She—“ He interrupts himself again and stops once more, searching for Harvey’s eyes. “She is seeing someone else. It has been going on for a couple of months,” he whispers and Harvey knows. He knows what Mike is talking about and his heart constricts in his chest.
“I’ve known about it almost since it started and I don’t even care anymore, not really… It feels as if I never really did, as if—but—But when I came home tonight we had such a row and—“
“Mike,” Harvey tries to cut in, tries to spare Mike the pain of saying it out loud. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m leaving her,” Mike murmurs and presses his lips into a tight line. “I—I don’t love her, not like that. I am not in love with her and—I can’t give her, I can’t be what she wants, Harvey, I can’t. She deserves better, she deserves—And—And this is not what I want, either. I want to be with someone I—”
“Okay,” Harvey says and finally sips on his own drink as well. “Do you want to sit down for a bit?”
“I shouldn’t.” Mike laughs bitterly. “I shouldn’t be here in the first place. I should want none of this to have happened in the goddamn first place. I should want you to tell me to go home and forgive with her, to tell me how you admire what we have again, like—I should want you to fix this, Harvey. You’re my best man, for fuck’s sake, and I should want you to do something about this. But I don’t. It’s not what I want.”
“Mike—“ Harvey doesn’t get very far. Mike seems to be on a roll and Harvey doesn’t stand a chance.
“This is not what I want, Harvey, it is not—All I wanted was someone I could love, someone who would love me back and—All I wanted was a family, is that really too much to ask for?”
“No, Mike, you’re—“
“And she doesn’t want kids. And for some fucked-up reason she never thought it would have been a good idea to mention it, not until after the wedding—I mean—Who doesn’t want kids? Well, maybe you don’t, for all I know. Well, even you’d at least be fair enough to tell me, wouldn’t you? If you didn’t want kids?”
“Yes. Yes, I would. If I didn’t.”
Harvey’s voice is so very quiet in the vast apartment but it stops Mike in his tracks and Harvey can feel a weird kind of calm settle over him when all air and energy seem to pour from Mike with the next couple of heartbeats.
“You—“ Mike says and swallows thickly. “You were my family. You were my whole family and I— I shouldn’t—But I never could stop thinking—The whole time, all those years I kept wondering—“ He runs his fingers through his hair and hands Harvey his empty glass once more. When Harvey has refilled it again Mike turns away from Harvey and stares out of the window at the city’s skyline. “I know I shouldn’t but I can’t stop wondering—I mean—“
Harvey can see how Mike’s shoulders tense and he longs to put his hand there again like he did almost two years ago the night before the wedding.
“I—The way you looked that night, the way you looked at me—“ Mike pauses again and lifts his shoulders even more. “In the bathroom, in the mirror, the night of my wedding, I—“
“Mike,” Harvey tries again but he doesn’t know what to say. “I’ve done everything I could to make you happy and I—“ He can’t do this anymore, he can’t breathe, he can’t make this right for Mike and when he closes his eyes for a moment all he can see is a large white mansion in ruins on top of a burned hill.
“I know,” Mike replies and turns around again, facing Harvey who, as much as he tries to avoid Mike’s eyes, has to admit defeat. “You were so perfect, Harvey, you were better than perfect. Always. And I—“
Harvey inhales sharply through his nose and drains his glass. He gets himself another refill and this time he manages to dodge Mike’s gaze. Or maybe Mike has just lost his nerves because his voice trembles ever so slightly when he speaks again.
“I know I shouldn’t but I just have to know, Harvey.”
“What?” Mike’s words sound urgent, desperate and pained and Harvey feels as if he’s been punched in the gut. He sets his glass down onto the bar trolley again, untouched, and hides the trembling of his hands in the pockets of his trousers. “What do you have to know?”
“I have—I need to know if back then, I mean, before Rachel and I—“ He clears his throat and turns the glass around in his hands in slow, pensive circles. “Would you—I mean, would you even have given it a thought?”
The openness and trust on Mike’s face, the sadness and defeat almost take what’s left of Harvey’s breath away. He blinks and looks aside, biting his lips, and he takes several deep breaths before he looks at Mike again.
“I was so in love with you,” Mike whispers, blushing and avoiding Harvey’s gaze. “All those years.” He laughs drily and runs the back of his hand over his mouth. “At first I didn’t know. I didn’t—I had never felt that way about a man. I had never felt that way about anyone and it hurt so much and—I didn’t understand. I’d never felt anything like that at all. Not even remotely. So I didn’t know.”
Mike hasn’t moved an inch and he’s almost panting, yet in a very subdued, strangely silent way. His body is tense and his eyes are fixed on Harvey.
Harvey takes another deep breath before he nods. Here goes nothing. “Yeah,” he whispers and an image flashes before his inner eye, an image of a fist slowly opening and red dirt falling to the ground like heavy, blood-soaked snow. “Yeah, I would have.”
“Shit,” Mike murmurs and squeezes his eyes shut. “Shit, Harvey, I—“
“Mike, listen,” Harvey says at the same time and Mike takes a step backwards and then another one and then another until his back touches the countertop of the kitchen isle. Blindly, he reaches behind himself and sets his glass down onto the counter before he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Why didn’t you say something,” he asks and his words are shaking. “Why did you never—“
“I was going to.” Harvey takes a tentative step towards where Mike is standing, his back against the kitchen isle, but he immediately stops when Mike raises his hand.
“What?”
“I was going to talk to you, to tell you,” Harvey explains, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. “That night. I was going to take you out for drinks and find out—“
“What night,” Mike asks, and Harvey frowns.
“That night when you asked me—“ Harvey swallows and takes another step closer, a tiny one but still. “When you asked me to be your best man. I had made up my mind, I had finally made up my mind after Donna had left and—I knew that probably nothing would come from it but I thought you at least deserved to know. And then I saw the ring.”
“The ring,” Mike echoes, tilting his head ever so slightly.
“Yeah.” Harvey’s voice sounds hoarse and he swallows again. “And then I didn’t.”
“Oh.”
If there’s one thing Harvey can’t stand it is Mike biting his lips like that. He wants to touch them, to run his fingertips over them and to smooth out all the tension and hurt. He wishes Mike wouldn’t do that, and his stomach clenches painfully.
“Yeah,” he says again and lets his gaze drop to the floor. “And then I didn’t.”
“I see,” Mike breaks the silence after a while and clears his throat. “I guess I’d better go, then.” He turns to leave, as if in slow motion, and Harvey watches him walk down the hallway and out of his life.
“Mike,” he says, startling out of a dream, a nightmare, and Mike stops dead in his tracks about halfway through the door. “Wait.”
Slowly, oh so slowly Mike turns around and when Harvey doesn’t say anything he starts walking towards the kitchen again.
“What is it?” Mike asks and Harvey has to clear his throat twice before he is able to form more words.
“What if I—“ He takes a step towards Mike and tries to curl his lips into a small smile. “What if I still would?”
“Would what?” Mike looks confused. That’s not what Harvey wanted and he supposes he somehow isn’t making himself clear enough.
“Give it a thought. What if I would?”
Mike just stares at him for some moments, rubbing his hand over his mouth. “Are you serious,” he finally asks, his voice only barely above a whisper.
Nodding, Harvey takes another step towards Mike but then he stops again. “Are you?”
“What about Giulia,” Mike asks slowly and for a second Harvey doesn’t even know what he’s talking about.
“I haven’t seen her in over two months,” Harvey finally replies when his thoughts catch up with Mike’s question. “There is nobody else.”
“Nobody else,” Mike repeats his words and they sound so true falling from Mike’s lips like that, so pure, so right. Harvey’s throat tightens when Mike closes the distance between them and tilts his head.
“No,” Harvey says, not entirely sure if Mike has meant that as a question but just in case it was one. “There is only you.” He raises his hand and finally gives in to the urge to run his fingertips over Mike’s lips. Mike’s lips are soft and pliant under his touch and Mike closes his eyes when Harvey does it again.
“I am still so in love with you,” Mike whispers against Harvey’s fingertips and the tingling vibrations run straight to Harvey’s groin. “So very much,” Mike says and opens his eyes again. “So much it hurts.”
“I know,” Harvey nods and leans forward, touching his lips to Mike’s ever so lightly. “I know how much it hurts, I know...” He cups the back of Mike’s neck and pulls him in for their first real kiss.
They take their time, caressing each others’ lips gently with lips and the tips of their tongue, and only when Mike’s mouth opens and Mike’s arms wrap around his waist, does Harvey allow himself to push his tongue between Mike’s lips and claim his mouth.
When their tongues touch for the first time, Mike lets out a shaky moan and his hands fist into the fabric of Harvey’s shirt in his back. For a moment, Harvey almost forgets how to breathe and he breaks the kiss and leans his forehead against Mike’s, closing his eyes.
“Mike,” he whispers and Mike nods.
“Yeah.”
“We probably shouldn’t—“
Mike cuts him short by pulling him in for another kiss, hungrier this time, Mike exploring Harvey’s mouth with bold curiosity. When they break apart again, they are both out of breath and Mike’s eyes are wide and glittering.
“Mike, you just—“
Once again, Mike silences him with a kiss, a deep, lingering, coaxing kiss, and Harvey can feel how both he and Mike begin to grow hard in their trousers. He breaks their kiss for a third time and tries to push Mike away, to get an arm’s length between them.
“I’m not sure this is such a good idea,” he says and locks eyes with Mike. “You just—“
“No,” Mike cuts in and pulls Harvey back against him. “Don’t do that. Don’t go all gentleman on me now.” He crushes their mouths together again and with every second their kiss lasts, Harvey’s resolve fades. “Not now.”
“Okay,” he breathes into their kiss and nods resignedly. “Okay…” Carefully Harvey cups Mike’s face and kisses his lips softly before he nods again. “Have you ever done this before?”
Mike doesn’t need to ask what Harvey means. He simply shakes his head and bites his lips. “But I want to,” he murmurs, running his hands up Harvey’s spine gently. “I really, really want to.”
“You—,” Harvey clears his throat and places another kiss on Mike’s lips and then another and another. “You have to be very specific about what it is you want. I don’t want to—“
“I want to sleep with you,” Mike says and kisses Harvey quickly yet demandingly. “I want you to fuck me and then I want you to do it again so that I will still be able to feel you tomorrow. And the day after.”
They share another deep, greedy kiss before Mike continues. “I want to move in together as soon as possible and I want to have a family with you. Kids. Two at least.” This time, the kiss lasts a little longer and when Mike pulls back, his cheeks are blushed a deep shade of pink. “Shit. I—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—“
“Okay,” Harvey laughs throatily and pulls Mike flush against his chest. He buries his face in Mike’s hair and smiles. “I didn’t mean you needed to tell me everything you want right this second but—“
“I am sorry,” Mike whispers and Harvey frowns. “I am sorry it took me so long and I am sorry I made you—“
“It’s all right,” Harvey says and kisses the top of Mike’s head. “It—“ He falls silent when he feels Mike nod against his chest.
“Yeah,” Mike whispers and Harvey is barely able to hear him. “I’m sorry.”
“Okay.” Mike’s soft locks tickle his lips as Harvey mouths the word into Mike’s hair. “Mike.”
Mike nods again and tightens his embrace around Harvey. He is warm and pliant in Harvey’s arms and his scent is making Harvey’s head spin. With every breath they take they seem to move closer together. Harvey can feel Mike’s heart beating in his rib cage and his pulse flutter against his fingertips. He takes a long and deep breath and closes his eyes. “I want you,” he whispers and only when Mike nods again he can be sure that he didn’t just say those words inside of his mind.
“I’m yours,” Mike murmurs and the vibrations of his voice against Harvey’s chest go straight to his cock. He cups Mike’s ass and cants his hips a little, pressing their groins together.
“I want you,” he whispers again and bites his lips when Mike nods against his chest once more.
“Please—“
It’s Harvey’s time to nod and when he breaks their embrace and takes a small step backwards, Mike shivers and closes his eyes. Harvey runs his hands down Mike’s arms once before he reaches for the fabric of Mike’s shirt and pulls it from the waistband of his trousers. He unbuttons it from top to bottom and when he pushes it off of Mike’s shoulders and it falls to the floor, Mike looks up.
“We’re in the hallway,” he murmurs and even though said hallway is only dimly lit Harvey can see how Mike blushes. His hair is ruffled from Harvey’s earlier caresses and his eyes are wide and dark with longing.
“I know,” Harvey nods and reaches for the button of Mike’s jeans. He carefully pries it open and runs his hands down Mike’s arm again before he reaches around Mike and pulls him close with one hand on the small of Mike’s now naked back. His other hand finds its way into Mike’s hair the second Mike is in his arms and Harvey dives in for a kiss that leaves both of them breathless and trembling with need. Harvey smiles into the kiss when he feels Mike’s hands fumbling with the buttons of his shirt and breaks away from it in a breathy chuckle when Mike groans in frustration.
“Here,” he says taking that little step backwards once more. “All yours.”
Mike pulls his lower lip between his teeth and finishes unbuttoning Harvey’s shirt. He lets his hands slip underneath the soft cloth and runs them down Harvey’s side and up his stomach and chest. “God,” he whispers and the small huff of air from his mouth, his hot little breath touches Harvey’s bare skin and makes him shiver.
Mike gently pushes Harvey’s shirt off of his shoulders and watches as it pools behind Harvey’s feet. Just like Harvey has done mere minutes ago, Mike reaches for Harvey’s crotch and undoes his button and fly. Then he kicks off his shoes, shoves his jeans and boxers down over his hips and knees and steps out of the legs, taking his socks of as he does.
His eyes roaming Mike’s body hungrily, Harvey mirrors Mike’s movements and when they’re both fully naked they still. Harvey lets his gaze wander over Mike’s chest and down his stomach, lets it follow the thin trail of hair down between his legs. Mike’s dick is full and dark and stands almost completely erect. Harvey watches it grow to complete hardness under his gaze and his fingers ache to close around it, to touch. He can feel his own dick twitch against his lower belly and he digs his nails into his palms to keep his fingers from curling around it.
“You’re so beautiful,” Mike murmurs and Harvey nods.
“Yeah,” he breathes but he means Mike. Of course he means Mike. “Come.”
Harvey turns and starts to walk along the hallway towards the living room, feeling Mike’s eyes glide over his back and over the slopes of his ass. This time, for the life of him he can’t keep his hand away from his cock and when his fingers finally close around it he slows in his steps and gives it a couple of lazy strokes. He fights and in the end resists the urge to turn around again and throw Mike to the floor right then and there.
Taking a deep breath he slides the door to his bedroom open and waits for Mike to step inside. “Lie down,” he rasps, his voice raw and laced with unbridled desire. “On the bed.”
His eyes follow Mike as he climbs onto the bed and lies down on his back on top of the covers. “Spread your legs a little,” he coaxes and lets his gaze fall to Mike’s crotch and his erect dick. “Touch yourself for me.” When he watches how Mike takes himself in hand his own dick twitches against his palm and a drop of pre-come oozes from the slit. Mike is beautiful, lying there on the bed, his knees slightly bent and his legs open, touching himself and biting his lips, and Harvey just can’t wait.
“I’m going to fuck you,” he says, locking eyes with Mike, and Mike simply nods. “I’ve wanted this for so long and I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be inside of you.”
“Yes. Yes, I know. I know—” Mike strokes himself again and arches his back a little, lifting his hips, his eyes reaching out for Harvey, dark and wide and more beautiful than anything Harvey has ever seen. “I can’t wait either. Not any longer, Harvey. Not any more—“
Harvey slowly walks over to the bedside table, his eyes never leaving Mike’s, and retrieves a small tube and a small foil package from the drawer. He lets both items drop onto the mattress and climbs onto the bed where he settles on his knees between Mike’s legs. Swallowing thickly, he reaches for the lube and squeezes a generous amount of the clear gel onto his fingers. “This would be easier,” he says and spreads Mike’s ass cheeks with his other hand, “if you were on your hands and knees, but—“ He gently runs his fingers down Mike’s crack and over his hole.
“It’s—It’s good,” Mike stammers, licking his lips, and opens his legs a little further when Harvey brushes over his entrance again, “like this. More than good. It’s perfect.”
“Yeah,” Harvey nods and repeats his caress, spreading the lube over Mike’s tight entrance. “Yeah, you are.” He gives Mike’s cock one firm stroke that causes Mike to hiss and arch his back into Harvey’s touch and Harvey revels in that, in the way Mike yields to him, in the way Mike responds and he lets himself be carried away by that realization for a moment, just touching, feeling, being, being with Mike, before he coats his fingers with lube again. As carefully as possible he breaches Mike’s body with just his middle finger, slowly, very slowly entering him, mesmerized by the sight of Mike’s body opening up to him, letting him in.
“So good,” Mike moans and his hands fist into the fabric of the covers. “Like this.”
“Yeah,” Harvey murmurs, pulling his finger almost completely out before pushing it inside again. “So good. This is so good, Mike. This is—”
For a long time Harvey plays with Mike like that, just with this one finger, circling around Mike’s entrance, pushing against it playfully, tenderly, breaching him for the first time again and again, and only when Mike is moaning almost continuously under his ministration Harvey pulls out completely and reaches for the lube again.
“More?”
“Yeah,” Mike whispers and nods, clenching his hands around the sheets even tighter. “God, yes, please—Please, I want—you, I want you, I want everything.”
Harvey’s answering nod is barely visible and when he breaches Mike with two fingers and Mike hisses in pain Harvey immediately stops. “Sorry,” he hurries to say and he longs to smooth out that line of pain between Mike’s brow and he has never felt anything that overwhelmingly strong. “I am sorry—“
“It’s okay,” Mike breathes after a short while and relaxes his muscles again. “Don’t stop. It’s okay.” A small smile curls Mike’s lips and his eyes widen a bit when Harvey just caresses the rim of his entrance with the tips of his fingers again. “So good. Please don’t stop.”
Harvey enters him again and when Mike’s muscles clench around him he bites back a moan. “God, you’re tight. I can’t—“ He curls his fingers a bit, stroking Mike on the inside, and Mike clenches again and then he relaxes. Scissoring his fingers a little, Harvey frowns. “God—You feel so fucking good, I—“
“I—“ Mike begins to speak but his words are interrupted by a moan when Harvey stretches him again. “I want to touch you,” he moans as Harvey’s fingers slowly open him up further. “I need—I need to touch you…“
Harvey reaches out with his free hand and Mike grabs hold of it with hot, sweaty fingers. “Yeah,” Harvey nods when Mike moans under his touch again and pushes his fingers inside a little further. “Yeah, like this—“
By the time Harvey has three fingers inside of Mike, Mike is dripping with pre-come and shivering with need and Harvey has to touch himself every now and again, just to keep himself grounded, at least a little, at least in a way, letting go of Mike’s hand and immediately reaching for it again once he thinks he has regained at least a shred of command over his senses and over his body’s reactions again.
“I want you,” Mike finally moans and squeezes Harvey’s hand tightly along with another clenching of his muscles around Harvey’s fingers inside of him. “I want you so much—“
Harvey withdraws his fingers, sits back on his heels and takes a couple of deep, shaky breaths. All he wants to do, all his body longs to do, all his soul longs to do is to claim Mike for his own but he knows, his body knows and his soul knows, that he has to take this slow. For Mike’s sake. For both their sakes.
With trembling fingers he rolls the condom over his straining erection and leans forward. He adjusts Mike’s position a little before he positions himself, holding himself just so that the tip of his cock nudges at Mike’s entrance.
“I’m scared,” Mike whispers, but before Harvey can withdraw, before he can even move, Mike’s fingers wrap around Harvey’s wrist and keep him right there, “I’m so scared by how much I want you. By how much that hurts.” Mike lifts his hips a bit and arches his back and Harvey can feel how he opens up for him, how the tip of his cock slowly breaches Mike’s body, how Mike slowly takes him in.
“Mike,” he moans and stills, tries to still his movements but for once, his body doesn’t obey. He slowly sinks further and deeper into Mike and only when he’s almost fully sheathed he notices Mike’s hands on the small of his back, guiding him.
Mike’s eyes are squeezed shut tightly and after a moment he lifts his feet and wraps his legs around Harvey’s waist, pulling Harvey against himself even further, trembling helplessly around him.
“Harvey. God, Harvey. You—“
Harvey lets himself sink down onto his elbows and catches Mike’s mouth for a slow, lingering kiss. The kiss turns more heated and passionate as the seconds pass and when Harvey’s dick twitches inside of Mike’s tight heat, when Harvey’s hips jerk ever so slightly, Mike releases a breathy moan and buries his face against the side of Harvey’s throat.
“I’m so scared,” he whispers and Harvey nods. “I want you so much.”
Harvey gathers Mike into his arms and pulls him upwards, almost into his lap, clutching him tightly against his chest.
“Mike,” he kisses into Mike’s hair, again and again. “God, Mike …”
They stay like this for a while, completely still but for Harvey’s lips caressing Mike’s throat and shoulders and Mike’s fingers fisting into Harvey’s hair.
“You can move now,” Mike murmurs against Harvey’s skin and tilts his hips a little, causing Harvey to gasp. “I want you to move—“
Carefully, Harvey lowers Mike onto the mattress again and brushes his hair from his forehead. “Okay,” he whispers and nods as he runs his thumb over Mike’s swollen lips. He wants to move, he needs to move. He needs to move, he needs to touch Mike, he needs to touch Mike inside so bad. “Mike…”
He starts to fuck into Mike slowly, pulling out almost entirely and pushing back in with an agonizing pace. Out and in and out again. And in. Mike’s fingers dig into the muscles of his upper arms and he can feel them tremble with the effort to keep up that slow, careful rhythm. He loses track of time and he doesn’t know if he has been moving inside of Mike for minutes or hours when he can feel his movements gradually pick up speed, his body taking over, seeking for what it so desperately longs for. Still, he tries to pace himself and only when Mike’s hands find their way from his arms to his ass, only when Mike urges him on with his fingers and his moans, with his hot breath against Harvey’s skin, only then Harvey closes his eyes and finally lets go.
He lets himself be consumed by his want and desire and he lets himself have. He fucks into Mike again and again, driven almost out of his mind by Mike’s muscles clenching around him every time he has buried himself completely and by the incredible sensation of Mike opening up to him every time he pulls back and pushes into Mike again.
When Mike’s hand finds its way to Harvey’s chest, Mike’s sweaty palm flat against his racing heart, gently pushing him away, Harvey opens his eyes again and freezes. He seeks Mike’s eyes and when Mike frantically shakes his head a couple of times, Harvey frowns. “What—“
“Stop,” Mike whispers and bites his lips. “Stop, stop, stop…You’ve got to stop. I—I’m getting too close.”
“It’s okay,” Harvey murmurs and bows down to kiss Mike’s lips. “It’s okay…” He withdraws a little and pushes back in.
“Oh god,” Mike moans low in his throat when Harvey does it again. “I am so close…”
Harvey’s hips jerk when Mike tightens around him and after three, maybe four more thrusts into Mike’s willing body, Mike inhales sharply and holds his breath.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck—“ he mutters under his breath and when Harvey’s fingers close around his throbbing dick, his eyes fly open and when they meet Harvey’s Mike’s breathing hitches and his fingers dig into Harvey’s muscles like claws. “Fuck, I’m going to come—“
Harvey can feel that he is just moments away from climax himself and when Mike twitches in his hand and the first strand of hot come spurts over Harvey’s fingers, he chases Mike’s orgasm with a few shallow thrusts of his hips and when Mike grows impossibly tight around him, head thrown back and back arched, when spurt after spurt of Mike’s come hits his skin, he lets himself fall as well.
“Mike,” he moans when he feels the first wave of his climax surge through him and he lets himself be swept away by the sensation of coming inside of Mike’s body, of emptying himself inside of Mike.
Their orgasms seem to go on forever and the world narrows in until there are just the two of them, just Harvey’s dick inside of Mike’s tight body and the utter surprise and endless awe in Mike’s eyes. After all these years, after what feels like a lifetime spent waiting, wanting, longing and hurting, for a moment, for an eternity, everything stops. Everything ceases to be. Sheer bliss takes over and the heartshattering satisfaction that follows in its wake is nothing like anything else Harvey has ever felt before. All he can feel, all he can think is Mike.
When the pulsing, all-consuming waves of sensation finally subside, Harvey collapses on top of Mike and allows himself to lie there for some moments, Mike’s hands roaming his back and ass. After a little while of catching his breath he pulls out and takes off the condom, tying a knot in it and letting it fall aside. He rolls to his side and pulls Mike halfway on top of him.
“We need a shower,” he murmurs into Mike’s hair and runs his fingers down Mike’s spine and along his crack, causing him to shiver.
“Hmm-hmm,” Mike hums, resting his hand on Harvey’s chest right over his heart.
“And you are fired.”
“What?” Mike tries to sit up but Harvey holds him close.
“Yeah,” he says with a sated smile on his face. “One of us has to stay at home, after all, and look after the kids.”
For a moment, two or three seconds maybe, Mike holds his breath before he bursts into a silent fit of laughter.
“Asshole,” he finally wheezes and pinches Harvey’s nipple with his fingers. He adds a little twist at the end and Harvey hisses in pain.
“Hey!”
“You deserved that,” Mike grins and places a soft kiss on the nipple before he settles into Harvey’s embrace again, sighing contently.
“Did not."
Harvey watches Mike yawn and his eyes flutter shut. Mike’s calming breaths ghost over his skin and Harvey pulls Mike a little closer yet, drawing a satisfied moan from Mike’s lips.
“Don’t wanna get up,” Mike mumbles and yawns again. “’s too good.”
“Okay,” Harvey smiles into Mike’s hair and tightens his arms around him. “Sleep now, shower later.”
“Exactly,” Mike whispers and lets his fingers trace lazy circles on Harvey’s skin for a moment, on his chest and stomach, and when they get slower and slower, Mike smacks his lips sleepily and hums again.
Harvey lets him fall asleep and doze for a while, he is going to wake him up a little bit later, he decides. His smile broadens at the thought of the soft, warm water of his shower raining down on them, of his hands on Mike’s wet skin and Mike’s trembling lips touching his.
He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.
A fist opens around a handful of red earth.
Faint traces of red earth on Mike’s cheeks, on Mike’s lips and on his own fingertips.
Marks of want and beauty.
The whispering promise of the future.
Mike.
~fin~