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Slamming his palm against a wooden door bracing it open Sapnap towered over the duck hybrid staring daggers into his soul. Sapnap had been mulling around Las Nevada’s all afternoon waiting for the comforting cover of night. The desert air had cooled and now he stood before judgment the way it should have been years ago.
“Let go or you’ll be pulling back a stump,” Quakity sneered his scar contorting on his face as the skin pulled.
“Talk to me,” Sapnap plead.
“It’s been two years Sapnap, aren’t you tired of haunting me yet?” Quakity crossed his arms creasing his white-pressed button-down.
When had Quakity become so well put together, so self-assured? When did Quakity learn how to stand without the air of arrogance? He grew so much without Sapnap, and Sapnap was bitter.
“Just fucking talk to me!” Sapnap shouted the words falling freely burning his throat. He never meant to be so loud, it always came out so wrong.
“It’s always so hard when you’re yelling.” Quakity’s steely gaze never wavered. It never wavered.
Sapnap swallowed thickly his palm sliding down the finish of the wooden door.
“Do you hate me?” Sapnap asked.
Quakity rolled his eyes the milky one not quite making the same rotation, “It’s always about you isn’t it Sap. Always so worried about how you’re affected! Do you have room in that brain to think about anyone else?”
Sapnap stepped forward watching the man before him step back hand reaching towards a rack off to the side. Feeling the warmth in his veins that only ever ran cold as ice anymore, Sapnap felt alive.
“You and Karl were all I ever thought about!” Smoke billowed from between Sapnaps fangs curling through the air, “I know I fucked up, but there was so much more at play than we knew!”
Quakity pulled a cane from the wrack unsheathing it swiftly with the skill of a warrior. Sapnap had been gone so long. When had his soft duck learned to brandish a weapon so cleanly?
“Fucking leave Sap!” Quakity shouted, “You’re banned from Las Nevada’s!”
“Do you even visit his grave?” Sapnap shouted.
The saber brandished with a gold hilt and ornamental playing cards shook in Quakity’s grasp. His grey eye searched Sapnaps face, for what Sapnap couldn’t be sure.
“What are you talking about!”
Quakity swung the blade thin but powerful.
Feeling the blaze in his veins that had laid dormant for so long Sapnap watched his arms ignite down to his hands. His palm was open and ready welcoming the blade to slice across the meat of his palm. His heat was not strong enough to melt but dull the stinging blade. He felt alive.
“Did no one tell you?” Sapnap’s brows pinched together the fire dancing across his skin dying out. His grip on the saber loosening. He could feel the cold blood trickle down his fingers.
Quakity’s chest rose and fell quickly his eye still trained on Sapnap. Full of confusion, maybe fear. Sapnap had never wanted to be the reason the duck hybrid cowered. He never meant for any of this to turn out the way it did. In his mind, he always heard the echo of Karl promising a huge wedding. He remembered the way Quakity said he’d kiss them both first to seal the deal. Sapnap remembered how scared Quakity would get privately that it would all burn down around him again. That Schlatt would come back to collect a prize he never cared for. The thought of Schlatt breaking Quakity’s heart used to make the fire in his lungs ignite. In the end, Sapnap ended up not being any different, leaving the small hybrid alone all over again.
“Sapnap!” Quakity snapped regaining Sapnaps attention.
Quakity was shaking the sword no longer steady. Sapnap took a deep breath.
“Karl’s dead Q,” Sapnap felt the bile settle in his windpipe, “I thought you would have been told by now.” His amber eyes fell to the floor shoulders tense, “It’s been 2 years.”
Heavy breaths fell from Quakity’s lips leaving Sapnap resisting every urge to comfort him.
“Wh-what- wh,” Quaktiy’s lips wobbled as his voice faltered.
Daring to raise his head Sapnap watched the sword clatter to the ground as Quakity clutched his crisp white shirt his other hand gripping his beanie. His hair had gotten so long.
“XD showed up,” Sapnap spat the name he was cursed by a god of suffering, “Said something about Karl no longer being useful.”
XD had said so much more than that calling Karl another failure, an experiment not worth keeping.
“Turns out Karl was keeping something from us,” Sapnap let himself smile hoping to soften the blow. “If we knew it would have explained everything. He was time traveling, it screwed with his memory. He could barely remember me at the end.” Sapnap chuckled broken and cracked. Tears flooded the corners of his eyes.
One day Karl came back from an adventure Sapnap never knew about. His clothes were torn, and a large cut sat deep in his forehead. Sapnap remembered catching the man stumbling out of the house with brown wild hair slicked down by blood. Karl babbled strings of sentences that didn’t make any sense. He called Sapnap by names he’d never heard, but they made Karl’s eyes light up. He allowed Karl to call him anything. Karl’s mind was practically mushed not recognizing a single face, attacking George when he walked into Karl’s study searching for a book. Sapnap did the unthinkable locking Karl in that study desperately trying to get the man he loved to return. Karl got weak his body may have been giving up anyway from strain Sapnap could never understand. The last week though when Sapnap walked in Karl had called him nothing, but his purple eyes searched him so intently Sapnap was sure something was coming back. They started going for walks around Kinoko kingdom. Sapnap saw him on the upswing, everything was supposed to be fine. Until Sapnap brought Karl dinner one night wanting to reintroduce him to George just to see how it would go.
Standing in the middle of the wooden room that had become a safe space for Sapnap to heal from things he never understood was XD. Long thin fingers wrapped gingerly around Karl’s throat. The pressure almost looked nonexistent to Sapnap, but Karl clawed at the embrace of God and swore to his face. Teeth barred with insults on his tongue nails gouging into pristine flesh that though divine tore like paper. Unphased XD lifted Karl enough to make the man sputter and kick his feet now risen from the safety of the ground. Sapnap burst into his flames his skin on fire from his own intensity, but he would willingly burn to be born again for those he loved. XD said he could return memories. Sapnap remembered the way Karl's violet eyes shut his head slowly turning his gaze to land on the fireball that was his fiancé. He uttered the name Sapnap before XD jerked the man’s neck to the side. A pop resonated through the world cutting through Sapnap’s core dowsing his flames like a bucket of ice water that fell from his eyes. Karl’s body fell limp and loud against the hardwood violet eyes dull and unresponsive. Sapnap spent days holed up in the study. Until the alarm signaled from the prison, and Sapnap burned down Kinoko himself.
A funeral pyre.
“I was so ready to bring him here- to try again,” Sapnap balled his hands into fists, “The gods really fucking hated us.”
Quakity was shaking the hybrid uncharacteristically quiet. Sapnap had never spent so much time in silence around him. Inching forward, pausing to make sure Quakity wouldn’t decide to throw a punch – though Sapnap wouldn’t blame him. Slipping his arms around the shorter man Sapnap pulled Quakity tight against his chest. Quakity shook as he sobbed and Sapnap joined in grief that was long overdue.
Unsure how long he had held Quakity in his embrace slowly he pulled himself back assessing the face that had become so familiar. Red eyes and puffy cheeks, Sapnap used a shaky hand to wipe away a tear escaping down Quakity’s splotched cheek.
“Oh fuck,” Sapnap frowned scaring himself with the red smudge made in blood left behind on Quakity’s face. He looked down at the blood carving ravines through his skin. Staining, “Sorry I think I might have ruined your shirt.” He felt his cheeks burn.
Quakity laughed quietly the rumble emerging from his chest before the sound resounded through the room. Sapnap missed the sound that now tickled his ear.
“It’s just a shirt Sap, it doesn’t matter,” Quakity stood holding a hand out for Sapnap, “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
Sapnap grabbed hold hoisting himself up beaming as he was dragged through the living room into a kitchen that looked like it had never been touched.
“Karl would love this kitchen,” The words slipped from Sapnap’s lips.
Quakity’s shoulders stiffened before his bright yellow wings popped from his back feathers rustling. Slowly they settled back into place while Quakity nodded.
“I built it for him.” Quakity opened a cabinet.
Standing in the middle of the kitchen careful not to get blood on anything Spanap watched the avian hybrid switch to open a drawer. Finally, Quakity emerged victorious with a small white first aid kit Sapnap was well acquainted with.
Shaking his head Sapnap put his hand behind his back, “Actually you know what, I’m fine.”
Quakity rolled his eye that worked, “How are you a warrior? You’re such a baby!”
Sapnap shrugged, “I just let things heal on their own!”
“You were lucky I used healing potions on the big stuff,” Quakity rolled his eyes.
Sapnap remembered the first time Quakity popped his shoulder into place. He’d caught fire and wouldn’t speak to him for the rest of the day.
“Can’t I have a healing potion,” Sapnap whined.
“Using them for minor cuts is how you get addicted to them,” Quakity held his hand out.
Knowing there was no room for bargaining Sapnap placed his hand palm up in Quakity’s revealing the gash.
“Sorry,” Quakity muttered before pressing wet gauze against Sapnaps palm.
Hissing Sapnap tried to stop the fire in his lungs from springing forward. It stung like a bitch he hadn’t even seen Quakity prepare the alcohol pad. He probably knew Sapnap would tense up more if he saw it coming, the surprise attack never let the fire build.
“I should be apologizing to you Q,” Sapnap bit his lip, “Little duck you were left out and hurt again. You don’t deserve this.”
Quakity wrapped the bandage around slowly around Sapnaps hand, “I held out hope forever that you’d both come back to me. That we’d be okay. Now we can be.”
Sapnap felt the pit in his heart grow.
Once the bandages were on securely the two moved to the couch where Quakity lit a fire in a grand fireplace before putting on music. Sapnap leaned back against the L-shaped couch that was ten times larger than the one he used to curl up on with his finances. This one would have been perfect. Laying on the section that reclined out towards the middle of the room he watched with bated breath as Quakity slowly sat next to him. His movement was stiff like he was out of practice.
“You don’t have to,” Sapnap started sitting up.
Quakity shook his head long black hair tickling the frame of his face, “I want to.”
Shaking Sapnap felt familiar feathers yellow and soft. He never thought he’d feel them again. The gentle brush of them against his face, he instinctively pressed a kiss against the sea of bright yellow that had pulled him from darkness. In the low light of the fire Sapnap never wanted to move from the golden light of his lover whose gentle even breathing became shallower.
“Quakity, are you,” Sapnap sat up allowing breathing room between the two.
Quakity flipped himself over, in the dim light Sapnap could see the streaks of tears starting to fall again down sensitive skin.
“Talk to me,” Sapnap pleaded.
“I missed you,” Quakity’s voice shook.
The willpower Sapnap had held to be gentle snapped as he wrapped his arms around a frame that wasn’t as thin as he remembered, but still, it shook. He clutched the man close to his chest burying his face in the top of dark hair that had grown so long. So much time had passed.
“Can we visit him?” Quakity croaked.
Sapnap nodded his heart pounding just as loud as he was sure Quakity’s was. He held Quakity closer making the man hear every beat of his heart, hoping he knew it was beating only for him.
“Will you visit mine?” Sapnap whispered.
“I’d bury you here in Las Nevada’s. You’d be immortalized.”
Sapnap wanted to believe him, he did believe Quakity. However, Sapnap knew the truth. He had no grave; his body was lying among the leaves in a part of the forest no one could visit. Forever entombed by the power of God himself to spend eternity in a negative space. Sapnap was a name no one would remember when the light took hold of the world again as if he never existed. The deal he made with XD to kill Dream and protect those around him took hold. After Karl’s death, Sapnap made good on his word with the God suddenly properly motivated. Dream met the end of his blade and Sapnap succumbed to nothing. Their bodies laid side by side a pair cursed from the first time they met. The earth should have reclaimed them the same way it gave them breath, but XD had other plans, at least for Sapnap. Allowing him to wake from oblivion once a year to rekindle a spark with his lover that would never stick. Quakity would always be upset when he first stepped foot in his doorway, they could never move on past gentle whispers and tight holds. Sapnap wished he could find a loophole, anyway, to leave a ghost behind like others had before him. For Quakity to have someone because he’d never done anything wrong. Nothing that meant he deserved to be alone.
“I love you,” Sapnap whispered into the soft beaned on top of his boyfriend’s dark hair. Karl used to complain trying to reassure Quakity he didn’t need the hat. Now Sapnap understood why. He wanted to run his fingers through every inch of soft hair, to feel every strand to feel the weight of his love in every form. He wanted nothing hidden, a beautiful image to take back with him to nothing.
“Would you pray for me?” Sapnap whispered, “To death. For her to bring me home?”
Quakity pressed his face harder against Sapnap’s chest, “Don’t talk like that.”
“Pray for my soul destined for the nether flames for eternity,” Sapnap plead to someone who didn’t understand the stakes.
Quakity sat up and Sapnap immediately locked their gazes following Quakity’s motion.
“Lock your hands together,” Quakity instructed.
Sapnap followed without hesitation.
Warm palms pressed against Sapnaps hands keeping them firmly clasped together.
Bowing his head against the tips of Sapnap’s fingers Quakity spoke in the gentlest voice Sapnap had heard.
“O Lady death, if my lover’s heart is pierced and breath ceases make it just and swift. Bring him home swifter to my arms. If a ghost wanders the horizon do not let him wander long. Care for him in your embrace but remember to return him to mine. Lady death take his fears and worries and put his laughter on the wind just for me. Though Lady death I beg and pray at your feet you never take him. If you must lay your hands upon him lay them upon me in the same moment. Lay my soul beside his so the end is never cold.”
Sapnap slipped his hands away from Quakity wrapping his arms around the hybrid clutching him to his chest as if the sweet man would fly away. As if he was the one that would disappear with the morning light.
“I don’t want to leave,” Sapnap cried hot tears scorched along his cheeks soaking into Quakity’s shirt, “Please.” His voice shook, “Please lady death release me from his cruel grasp.”
“Sapnap,” Quakity struggled in the tight grasp, “What are you talking about? What’s going on? Where have you been?”
Slowly Sapnap retreated away from his lover, it didn’t matter if he told Quakity, the information would be lost by morning. Biting his lip Sapnap couldn’t help himself looking into the dark and pale eyes pleading for something. It hurt morning knowing his lover would want to do something, but there was nothing that could be done.
“I love you, and that’s all you need to know,” Sapnap smiled trying to ease the gentle shaking his saw in his lover’s hands.
“That’s not fair.” Quakity shook his head, “Why do you always get to keep secrets? No more Sap. Please.”
Sighing Sapnap was always weak to his fiancé’s anything to see them smile. He knew the information wouldn’t bring peace to Quakity it would distress him, but Sapnap as always sat giving in to the whims of his love telling Quakity everything. Looking away as the boy’s face of annoyance at being in the dark slowly switched to shock and horror. He kept shaking his head like Sapnap was lying, and Sapnap wished he could end it all as a joke, but he’d lived every moment of his miserable existence in the nothing. Getting to tell another living soul listed a weight from his chest, a heavy burden. For a moment he fooled himself into thinking maybe something would change.
Quakity started pacing around the room and Sapnap watched his wings flap and flutter as he came up with theories and ideas. All of which Sapnap pretended to listen to thoughtfully nodding his head as if it mattered. His skin started to burn, and he saw through the large glass window above Quakity’s head the faintest trickle of the rising sun.
“Quakity,” Sapnap tried to break through the mumblings of madness, “Quakity!” his voice sterner broke the duck hybrid from his trance, “Sit with me.” He gestured his injured hand towards the window.
Quakity looked up at the sky starting to turn a rose color and Sapnap watched the color drain from his face.
“Sapnap no it-“ Quakity stuttered and Sapnap watched his shake return.
Standing from the couch Sapnap wrapped his arms around Quakity helping him to the floor as his legs seemed to give.
“Don’t go,” Quakity plead.
“I would do anything to not have to,” Sapnap responded.
Quakity sobbed, “Please don’t take him, please, please. The gods can take anything from me, take my other eye, my arm, my city! Please Mumza you don’t need him!”
Sapnap stayed silent knowing it would be a year before he would see Quakity again. A year before he could hold him, he’d look so different again, and Sapnap would always be the same. A year of his wailing echoing in his ear. Next time he’d be more tactful. The strong man Sapnap thought he saw at the door that night had been a façade and the same small, scared man clung to him and Sapnap couldn’t help realizing how unfair it was. How Quakity was left behind -always left behind. He deserved the world and the universe continued to spit in his face and force him to become something he never was.
Sapnap closed his eyes exhaustion hitting him as the voice of XD called him back to hell.
-------
Slowly Quakity’s eyes opened, his back was stiff, and he groaned. He’d fallen asleep on the floor curing himself for missing his perfectly good couch. Judging by the position of the sun he’d slept into the late afternoon. Had he been drinking last night? He couldn’t taste the lingering regret that usually clung to his tongue after a nightly binge. Standing up feeling his shoulder pop Quakity inspected the kitchen, no bottles on the counter. The first aid kit was out. He frowned looking himself over. There was blood on his shirt. Moving down the hallway to the bathroom Quakity removed his shirt inspecting every inch of his torso finding no scrape or bruise. The blood wasn’t his, then whose? Why couldn’t he remember anything? It was as if something had happened last night and the answer was right past the fog in his brain. Why couldn’t he remember!
Grumbling to himself Quakity went back to the living room. He swiped his beanie off the couch, somehow it had made it on. Pausing he noticed a stain on his carpet, maybe he’d spilled wine? Crouching down looking closer he realized it wasn’t a spill, it was a burn mark on his carpet. It was a lot of burn marks on his carpet. What did he do last night? Did he try and?
Moving away from the burn Quakity stumbled back the word poking something in his chest. The blackened spots in this rug spelled a name that haunted him -Sapnap. Was he crazy? Had he done it himself? Was someone playing a trick on him? The fog in his brain felt like it was shredding his very being, why couldn’t he remember? Instead, a hot searing pain embedded itself behind his eyes every time he tried to recall the darkness of the previous night.
A knock at the door made the pain subside if only for a moment to acknowledge he had company. Trying to save some shred of professionalism Quakity tucked his shift into the pants he never changed out of trying to smooth out the wrinkles left from the floor and potential fire. He figured it would be slime considering he was the only one of his citizens who didn’t hate him. Any one of them could have burned his carpet.
Quakity threw up the door, “What do you-“ he paused in his tracks.
A woman he’d never seen stood at the door. She towered over him almost rivaling Sam’s height. She had long hair that was darker than the night sky and piercing blue eyes that could have been mistaken for stars. She wore a large black-brimmed hat with a veil and a long black dress in the Las Navadas heat. Her smile was warm and though Quakity wanted to be frightened he was mesmerized and felt calmer than he had in his life. His heart that should have been beating fast felt slow.
“Hello Quakity,” Her voice was like gentle white noise that told Quakity she posed no threat, but he was on edge.
“Who are you?” he asked bluntly.
“That was the most beautiful prayer I’ve heard,” She was beaming, “I’ve come to answer it.”