Chapter Text
Jeno was panting and feeling like he was going to throw up. His chest felt heavy, as when the anguish he had inside him came to the surface. But this time was different. Maybe he'd had too much to drink at the party, alcohol always freed him from any doubts he had about how to act which was why he was a bit wary of drinking. He shook his head trying to reorganize his own thoughts. Then he remembered again what he had just done. He kissed a guy. No, a guy kissed him and he kissed him back. He reciprocated. And that in no way felt wrong. But he'd never even thought about the possibility of being interested in a guy. How did that happen? What would people who saw that think of him? What if someone says that to his mother? What if people start treating him differently? And what must Yeri have thought about that? He felt tears in his eyes and panic was starting to overwhelm him and then he felt a hand on his shoulder.
“Jeno!” Renjun called out to him in a voice that made it clear he was panting too. He probably ran after Jeno after he panicked and ran out of the party. "What happened?"
Jeno turned to him with tears already welling up in his eyes.
"What did I do?" He then hugged Renjun.
"There there." He hugged him back and patted his back.
“What will people think of me now?” He said sobbing. "I'm not… gay ."
•
And until that moment he believed it. Jeno was the perfect son. Law student. Two more years and he would be a graduate and then a lawyer like his mother always imagined he would be. Despite being single at the moment, he has had many girlfriends in the past. But once he graduated he would want to be settled down with someone. The right girl. He would open his own firm with a classmate and have at least three children who would bring happiness and pride to their grandmother. And then he would have an ordinary life taking care of his own family and helping his mother with whatever she needed. It was the perfect plan. The plan he listened coming from his mother since he was a child and he followed every step of that planning like the good son he was.
Jeno was looking forward to that weekend, it was Yeri’s birthday party, a college girl he met a few months ago. Yeri was a popular design student. Everyone seemed naturally attracted to her. But for some reason she had started talking to Jeno. His friends believed she was into him so they encouraged him to go for it. As he felt that she was responding to his flirtation, he decided that he would go all out at that party. She was a nice girl and his mother would certainly like her. The birthday party would take place in a very popular nightclub in the neighborhood. She had invited him and told him to call as many people as he knew and that's exactly what he did.
He was looking at himself for the third time in the mirror before leaving when he was interrupted by Chenle appearing behind him.
"You're too worried about your appearance... I imagine you won't be participating today." He said curiously as he approached Jeno's face to smell him. “Is that perfume?”
“Well, none of that is any of your business.” He said, rolling his eyes. “Why are you even here?”
Chenle shrugged.
“Movie night?” He said showing the popcorn packet he was holding. Of course, Jeno had forgotten about the detail that now that his mother was engaged to a Chinese weirdo she'd met almost two years ago. A widower who works at a restaurant somewhere in Itaewon. Jeno at first had problems with that guy and especially with his son. Zhong Chenle. He was seventeen, four years younger than Jeno. Despite this he seemed to have a lot less because he acted like a child sometimes. But after they stopped teasing each other, Chenle's attitude had changed a bit. The movie night was invented by his mother to make them get along while they were in the same house or something. Jeno didn't like the idea at first, but since he didn't want to disappoint her, he ended up accepting that idea, and maybe Chenle and Mr. Zhong indeed weren't that bad.
“Oh, I forgot it was today.”
“You have an important event to go?”
"A birthday party."
Chenle narrowed his eyes at him.
"Anyone special in this birthday party?"
"It's none of your business?"
“Well, I'm just trying to be friendly. Big Brother." He said, shrugging his shoulders.
"Okay, it's a girl's birthday. She is nice and I think she’s into me." Jeno said with a shrug.
“Oh I see that now. I knew it. Miss Lee wouldn't let you trade movie night if it wasn't for something like that."
"Anyway. Is that okay?” Jeno turned to Chenle who looked him over from head to toe. He was wearing a white tank top under his denim jacket. Pants also jeans a little darker than the coat and a red all star.
"Well I don't think you should have anything better in your wardrobe so… You do." Said Chenle, making an ok sign with his thumb.
"Couldn't you just say it's fine?"
"I Could." Chenle laughed and turned to go into the living room. "Have a nice party."
But everything turned out different from how Jeno would have liked it to happen. First of all he ran into Renjun at the party. They were childhood friends but hadn't spoken or seen each other in at least five years, when Renjun had told him he was gay. Jeno had no problem with that, but when he mentioned it to his mother, she quickly scolded him and forbade him to see or talk to his friend. Despite hesitating at first, he eventually did. A regret he kept deep inside. He didn't expect to see him at that party either. After that, he met up with his college friends who were doing what they always did. They kept looking and commenting on the girls or making jokes about the boys who weren't being 'masculine'. Jeno didn't care, he just wanted to find Yeri. He had a few drinks until the star of the party came into his view. He wished her a happy birthday and the two started dancing together and Jeno saw it as a chance to get closer and closer between the drinks. She didn't seem to be enjoying how close he was, but he insisted. It was then that she pushed him away when he tried to kiss her.
"Jeno, I don't want any of that. Could you back off?" She said seriously and then headed towards the stairs that led to the second floor of the nightclub that there weren't many people. Jeno followed.
“Hey, did I do something wrong? I thought we were on the same page."
She rolled her eyes.
"Sorry to disappoint you and your friends."
"What? No, it has nothing to do with them.”
"I was warned that you might be just like them but I didn't listen." She sighed. "Maybe I was wrong and you're just another asshole like them."
"No Yeri, I'm nothing like them."
“It doesn't matter now, Jeno. I do not want anything with you. At least not like you think. I just want to enjoy my party today. Okay?”
Jeno bit his own lip.
"Okay."
He turned toward the bar. He needed something strong. After a few drinks his friends approached him curious as to why he wasn't with Yeri.
“Oh my god did she reject you?” Yoon said with a smug smile on his face. It was as if he liked the idea.
“For the first time Lee Jeno was rejected.” Said Mark laughing at him, making the others laugh too. It irritated him.
“Fuck you.” He then took another sip of his drink and walked past them without caring with the 'it was a joke' lines and headed for the dance floor. Already a little dizzy from the drink, but he didn't care. Like it or not, what Mark had said was true. He was rejected and that was the first time. That's when it all happened. He was already feeling the full effects of alcohol in his body. He had thought about going after Yeri again and trying one more time, but he couldn't find her. That's when he bumped into a guy. He had a wide smile on his face and was clearly as drunk as he was. A smile that didn't fade even when they'd bumped into each other.
"Oh sorry..." he said in a happy tone. “Hello handsome.” He then took Jeno's hand and pulled him towards the center of the dance floor. "Let's Dance?"
He thought about denying it, but for some reason he just let that guy guide him. Maybe it was the alcohol messing with his head, but he thought this guy was really handsome.
They were dancing to the same beat but terribly close to each other. It was as if the lights of that club for a few moments focused only on that guy in front of him. With shades of red, purple and blue. When their eyes met it was as if time had slowed down with that guy getting all of Jeno's attention. The other people dancing around were nothing more than a blur to him. The guy smiled again and Jeno could have sworn that was the most beautiful smile he'd ever seen in his life. With the music changing, the guy approached him and put his arms around his neck pulling him closer. Even though he was drunk he couldn't help but admire that brown haired guy in front of him. His face. His eyes. The long eyelashes. The way he danced and smiled. A vision of beauty and joy. Then the space between their faces narrowed and he felt those lips on his. A quick, warm kiss. It was unlike any other kiss he had ever had. Until that moment he had never even thought about kissing a guy before. That was inconceivable to his mother. Maybe it's because she was so opposed to the idea that she was always pushing him about having girlfriends. Maybe it was the alcohol in his blood that had left him vulnerable to that sort of thing. But it was a feeling he enjoyed, as if a weight had been lifted from his back. He felt no shame in that tiny moment. When he turned his face away, Jeno grabbed the boy's waist and pulled him closer, kissing him again. He could feel the alcohol on the other's tongue.
When the music that was playing at that moment ended, the boy laughed lightly. Jeno blinked and realized what he had just done. He felt his heart beating faster as panic grew in his chest. He looked around and saw that Renjun was looking towards him with a surprised expression and on the other side Yoon, Mark and his other friends were looking at him with disgusted faces. He kissed a guy in front of everyone. Everyone saw. Maybe even Yeri. He then did the only thing that crossed his mind. Run.
•
They were in a children's playground. Probably very late at night. The boy with the two-colored hair was trying to calm him down while Jeno was crying uncontrollably. What should have helped him was actually only making the situation worse. Because Jeno had been a complete idiot to Renjun in the past but he was there, helping him, as if they'd always kept in touch. As if they never stopped talking. As if Jeno hadn't completely excluded him from his life. Renjun just patted him on the back trying to calm him down and telling him it was going to be okay. They stayed that way for a few minutes until Jeno finally calmed down.
“Hey, are you okay now?” Renjun asked carefully.
“Yeah. I think so. I don’t really know…."
“Sorry for following you. The moment you looked at me before you ran I realized you were genuinely scared. I mean, I kind of felt it so I wanted to check in to see how you were doing.” He lowered his head. "I know you probably didn't even want to talk to me but I still… hum, I still thought I should check on you."
Jeno holded his shoulders.
“The one who has to apologize is me. Renjun. I-” Jeno was still drunk. But he was being sincere. The alcohol had only taken away a filter he kept on himself. Renjun just covered his mouth with his hand and shook his head.
"We don't need to talk about our friendship right now."
Jeno sniffed.
“I panicked. I never thought…would… hum… you saw it.”
“That surprised me.” He spoke cautiously as he sat on the park swing.
“I was surprised too.” He said sitting on the swing next to him. “I… I don't know what that means.”
Renjun shrugged.
“It can mean many things. Jeno. But I suppose you'd better think about it when you're sober."
He just nodded.
"You're right…"
"But if it's not too invasive... What did you feel?"
"I don't really know... I... I'd never thought about it but... hum, I didn't feel like there was anything wrong."
"And it wasn't." Renjun nodded. “Don’t you ever think it was.”
"But I-"
"It's okay to be confused." The smaller made the swing move. "But like I said, you have to be sober to think straight about it."
“I know…” Jeno laughed lightly. It was funny to see Renjun being the counselor he always was. When they were younger, Jeno always believed that his friend had an old spirit because he talked like an old man. “He was so… fucking handsome.” Jeno said it a little too loudly. Without any filter. The words came out of his mouth as if they were something he'd wanted to be free for a long time. He then covered his mouth with his hand. “God, what am I talking about?”
Renju laughed.
"Yes he was."
Jeno took a deep breath and rocked on the swing.
"You managed to calm me down in some mysterious way."
"Maybe it's my power." He laughed lightly. “I thought you were going to push me away. But I was glad you didn't, I hope you don't forget when you wake up tomorrow."
Jeno shook his head negatively.
"I... I always remember, when I drink like that." He leaned his head back on the chain that held the swing and looked at the smaller one beside him, his eyes feeling a little heavy. It felt like his mind was starting to give up. He was always weak to alcohol so it was common for him to get drunk with just a few drinks and then just sleep heavily minutes later. “Renjun-”
“Look Jeno. As much as I think we should talk properly…” He sighed. "As you're clearly drunk right now, it wouldn't be the best time for us to do that." Renjun stood up and took his cell phone out of his pocket.
“No… but… Renjun I want to make things right with you…”
“Nothing would make me happier than that.” He smiled. “But how about I call a cab to take you home and exchange numbers with you so we can arrange another day to talk?”
Jeno swallowed the vomit that came to his mouth and nodded. His eyes were almost closing when the cab arrived. Renjun helped him in and even went with him to make sure he arrived safe and sound. Jeno kept his head on the smaller's leg the entire way. With his eyes closed he remembered the face of that boy he kissed. The smile and the warm laugh. He wondered if he would ever meet him again. And that wish came true sooner than he could have imagined.