Chapter Text
Chapter I
Almost a year after graduation Quinn is still living with Puck, they've known each other for over 5 years now, been on and off during high school, they have Beth (who got adopted) and were going steady the last year and a half. They are getting along fine, they have chemistry and yeah, they are happy, they are making each other laugh. She trusts him all the way, he would never hurt her. You could say Noah Puckerman has grown up, which is a big deal for him. But something is odd, Quinn couldn't just put her finger to it.
Quinn is studying Economics and Environmental Studies at Yale and her schedule has swallowed her. She doesn’t even have time for their drama program, which she really wanted to join.
Puck came with her, so they could be together and start this new era of their life together. Right now, he is working as the facility manager at their apartment building, he is going to night school. Who knew Noah Puckermann would go back to school? So, they got swallowed up in their daily routines, Quinn blamed their daily lives, but that's not all.
On a Friday night Puck takes her to the living room.
„Baby momma, we need to talk!"
„Puck, it's been 4 years now, maybe you should find a new nickname for me." She giggles and smiles at him. That smile was reason Puck fell for her so many years ago. He didn't smile back right away. ‚Okay, that looks serious.' she thought.
„Listen, I know what you're doing, and it has to stop." he says, looking into her hazel eyes, today they are hazel, must be the lightning in their apartment.
“What am I doing?” Quinn thinks about his last sentence.
As if Puck could read her mind „Quinn, you don't love me, I can feel it, I know it."
That's not true, she wants to say, but something stopped her.
„But..." she begins to stutter.
„After all this time with you I've become the Quinn expert and this is not what you want. I love you, but I want you to be true to yourself, finally."
„Puck, what the hell are you talking about?"
„Of course, you don't know,” he throws his arms up “you blanking it out, for too long now, you're totally ignoring your feelings, still. You wanted to get out of Lima so much, that you don't see this…” he waves his arms, showing their perfect little apartment, where she’s living with him. “is not the right thing for you.” He takes a deep breath “Quinn you're in love with someone else, for quite some years now and you have to know who it is." He was begging her to understand what he is telling her.
„What do you mean everyone knows?" She starts to freak out. She doesn’t understand a word he was saying to her.
„Know what? What the...? Are you high? Am I high? What the fuck is happening here?"
Her voice gets higher with every question asked. She sees a smile on Pucks face.
„So you really don't have a clue?"
„NOOO!" Quinn wines.
„Quinn Fabray, world champion in suppressing her feelings! Well, then I have a good reason to go out and party tonight, maybe meet some hot chick. So, you can do what girls do, drink wine, cry, eat ice cream, cry a little more and figure stuff out. Call me, when you're ready, cuz in my head it's pretty hot."
And then there is that dirty smile on his face, Quinn tries to shake it off, but he just wouldn't stop. “Stop!” She shrieks at him.
„I'm gonna get me a beer and go. Do you need anything? We have plenty of wine in the fridge, red and white. Go wild girl! Oh, and maybe these train tickets might help."
“You are an asshole, Puckerman!” she yells as he walks to the fridge to get his beer.
He opens his bottle with a plop, walks through the kitchen and then he is gone and the apartment door closes silently behind him. Train tickets?
Quinn just sits there with her mouth open trying to understand what just had happened. Did he just break up with her? Why didn't it hurt? Why can’t she cry? She might as well get the wine then. As she was pouring the red liquid into her glass, she thought about what Puck had said.
I love someone else? Who do I love, if not Puck? He just broke up with me!? He gets me, like no one else does. It's great living with him, we have fun, it was convenient. But there is something missing, she finally realizes. She sits on the couch and her head got quiet. She sat 20 minutes, staring at the wine in her glass, not thinking.
And then the questions started to pop up. Why was she here? With Puck? She was so happy, when he said he'd come to New Haven with her, so she wouldn't have to be alone. And it kind of got normal for Puck to be around, she didn't really pay much attention to her feelings anymore. And that's the point, she felt nothing but deep friendship and gratitude for Puck, but there was no love (and no sex) anymore. Has there ever been love? How did Puck get that without being mad at her? Why did she blank it out for so long?
Well, because she didn't want to see it and secondly because she wanted to believe her happy life with Puck. She wanted to show everyone she can do it; she can have a healthy relationship with someone, a man. Wasn’t that what was expected of her? Wasn’t she supposed to do that after high school?
Now what? She doesn’t want to dig deeper; she knows what would happen if she would. She gets herself a little more wine, puts on some candles and gets the ice cream from the freezer. When the wine kicks in (she doesn’t need much these days) it hits her, but no, she doesn’t want to go there, no way. This feels like she was hit by a car, again. Maybe she'd get herself so drunk, that she can’t think anymore. So, more wine. She takes a big gulp and empties her glass, just to refill it right away.
But it doesn’t work, these feelings were there, she had so carefully buried them, so she wouldn't have to think about them, but now she couldn't put them back in. Finally.
Damn Puck and his dirty thoughts. He is right she has feelings for someone else, for such a long time now. Hell, she was good at locking her feelings away. She hadn't thought about HER for quite a while, she didn't let herself. She got herself busy with her college life, there was no time to think about anything else. Suddenly tears fill her eyes. How could she be lying to herself for such a long time?
That's what she has learned from an early age on. Her mom always told her only her looks matters, it was all about the looks and being nice. What everyone else was thinking about her. Just keep up the good facade. Feelings didn't matter, so she shut them up. She was hungry, but she just wouldn't eat, not to get fat. Her body was aching from all the training Sue Sylvester put her through, but she wouldn't listen and keep up the hard work, till total exhaustion. She felt fat and lonely, all she did was get drunk on wine coolers, sleeping with Puck and got herself pregnant and she was still lonely and got even fatter.
She had real feelings for THAT girl, which she learned from early was a sin, so she repressed them. There was no way she could talk to anybody about this, let alone her parents, although her best friend was a lesbian, but you didn’t talk about stuff like that. Feelings have to be kept to yourself.
She tried to put the feeling of loneliness away by putting the other high school kids down. She truly was the head bitch in charge and everyone bowed down to her. She enjoyed her power way too much. The girl she was in love with had to suffer the most. There were boyfriend stealing (she obviously didn’t care for that guy), bullying and a lot of slushies involved. She wasn't proud of it, not at all. But back in the days it has helped her to deal with all these repressed feelings.
But when she was alone her walls came down and she found herself crying in her pillow (or in the bathroom at school), at least until her mom found her and told her to get herself together and smile, what should the others think of her. When her parents threw her out, after she (well actually Finn, the idiot) told them she was pregnant, she felt like she had friends for the first time in her life. Friends that cared for her and she did care for, the high school glee club. They took her in with open arms and helped her, despite her attitude and all that slushie trowing. Mercedes’ family let her live with her, she went to doctor’s appointments with her and held her hand, when she was scared as hell. But Quinn kept those walls up, just in case. It was actually an act of self-defense; all she had ever learned. Be hard, so you don't feel anything and so you don’t get hurt.
Suddenly her whole body starts to hurt, like all the pain wants to come out at once. Tears are falling onto her lap and Quinn is sobbing into her hands. She had caused so much pain, she has been so selfish, even with Puck. She let herself cry, it feels like forever, it’s a liberation for her aching soul. She takes another sip of wine after she calms down.
„Now what do I do? I'm still in love with Rachel Berry, damn it. And I obviously have to do something about it." She said to herself. Her voice sounds like it isn’t her own, she hasn’t cried in so long. She could call Puck now, but he's probably already wasted and since he knows she doesn't love him he probably has some girl on his lips. And she doesn't mind, at least he's having some fun.
Quinn takes out her phone and googles one Rachel Berry. There are quite a lot of pictures out there. Quinn couldn't close her mouth. Rachel looks so freaking good, she must have had a makeover, maybe by Kurt. They still seem to be close. Quinn knows they were in New York together. She doesn’t wear these (not so ugly) argyle sweaters anymore, her skirts are shorter, she is using more make-up and a new haircut, all the dancing seems to be really good for her body, not that she needs it. Damn it, she is hot! Rachel is still studying at NYADA in New York, that isn't that far away. They are in the same time zone. She had a part of a lot of performances at their theater program, and several shows off-Broadway which are all well received. All of them have really good reviews. Quinn didn't doubt Rachels ability to own that stage in any way. She must be stunning. Why didn't she know? She remembers the train tickets she gave Rachel. Why hasn’t she never used them? Why didn’t she just go and watch her sing?
Her Twitter account is full of tweets and pictures on stage, Quinn feels her heart beat faster with every picture where Rachel was smiling that gorgeous smile. ‚Oh my God, I'm stanning Rachel Berry' she thinks while taking another sip of her wine, her lips are still salty from her tears. And on she scrolls through Rachels timeline, the pictures distract her from what she actually wants to know. And then she realizes, there are no pictures of Rachel and a guy, just theater people, probably from NYADA and gay. Did Rachel date anyone? Quinn couldn't figure it out, there was nothing private.
But what is Quinn supposed to do with all the new/ old information? Should she tell Rachel she has had a crush on her for so many years? How the hell should she do that? She wasn't able to admit it to herself fully, how could she tell Rachel? Quinn knows she couldn't live this lie anymore; she has to admit suppressing her feelings isn't good for her. Now, she calls Puck and gets his mailbox, of course.
„Hey Puck, it's me. How the hell did you know all that and I was totally clueless? Yeah you were right, it has always been Rachel.” Wiping away tears again. ”I can't believe I'm saying that! I stanned her twitter and did you know she is so damn hot? Yeah, you probably do. Anyway, I don't know what to do now, so I'm trying to get some sleep. You have fun tonight, thank you for being you and you could have told me earlier. See you tomorrow. Bye!" She smiled through her tears and shook her head. This feels weird.
The blonde girl takes a cold shower, because the pictures of hot Rachel don’t leave her mind. The cold shower helps a little, yeah just a little. She gets into her bed, but of course she can’t sleep. So, she sends Santana a desperate text: „Hey S, are you awake?"
Santana is indeed awake „What do you want Q. Why are you not partying with Puck? You are so lame."
„You’re always so nice San. I can't sleep, just figured something out. Puck made me do it. I hate him! Well I don't. Do you have time to talk?"
„Finally Q, I always thought you were smart. Yeah, call me in 10, I have to fill Britt in, she always asks me if you know already."
„Wait what? Even Britt knows. Did Puck plan this with you? I'm so not smart when it comes to feelings? Hear you in 10."
10 minutes later sharp she hits the speed dial and calls Santana.
„Hey preggers, so you finally figured it out? Took you a while, huh?"
„Satan, thanks, but what is it with these old nicknames? Why didn't you tell me? I thought you are my best friend? Aren’t you supposed to kick my ass?" Quinn frowned „Was I really that blind? San, you need to help me." She sounds so desperate.
She hears Santana giggle on the other end of the line. “Not blind, just stupid.”
„That's not funny, San."
„Yes, it is, cuz you're so stubborn, you didn't want to see it. You wouldn’t have listened to me anyway, so why should I stress this? And honestly man hands? I'm a little bit hurt, you could have picked me."
„Can we not call Rachel that?"
„That is your nickname for her, remember? What are you going to do now?"
„S, I just told you I don't know, that's why I called you." She feels stupid yet again, and desperate.
Quinn hears Brittany squeal in the background and say something, no she’s singing.
„What is Brittany singing? S, are you there?"
Santana is watching Brittany, with that goofy smile on her face and forgot she had Quinn on the phone until she heard her name from a distance.
„What? Oh yeah, she’s singing ‚They found love in the strangest place' She changed the lyrics. My God, she's such a cutie."
„Santana, as much as I love you to be happy and stuff, but can we please focus on my problem here?”
Quinn couldn't help it, but she has to smile too. Santana gets so soft around Britt, it's just heartwarming. But there is a reason they are on the phone this late at night and Quinn needs help, even from a goofy Santana.
„Well Q you just have to call Berry and tell her. That would be the easy way to let her know. Or you could come to Lima with me and Britt in two weeks and we figure something out. Brittany says you need to come, it wouldn't be the same without you and maybe we should sing something. I know we still got it."
Quinn was shocked, that was too soon, she's not ready for that.
„How do you know Rachel is there? Tell Britt I will come with you guys, but I don't know about the singing. It's just so much right now. How do I tell Rachel? Do I tell her? I just can't go up to her and say ‚Hey Rach, how are you? Oh, and by the way, I've had feelings for you since sophomore year, being mean to you was just a coping mechanism.' That'll freak her out, just as it freaked me out.”
„That would be something to say. Did you not read her tweets? She wrote she'll be in Lima to go back to her roots and have some soul time, always so dramatic.”
Quinn made a mental note, to actually read what Rachel wrote and not just look at the pictures. „Britt says you should sing to her, it always worked for Finn. I think that's a great idea, of course.” She giggled “I don't know, we still have a couple of weeks to think about it. You get some sleep now and get your ass pampered a little bit, so you look hot for Lima."
„I always look hot!" Quinn protested with a smile.
„Whatever, talk to Puck, he might be of use, nah maybe don’t talk to Puck. I gotta go, some people need to sleep, y’know. Glad you're on the right side of the rainbow now.”
Quinn frowned into her phone. But Santana was right, she had to sleep now. She had weird dreams of standing in front of a crowd, singing her heart out without knowing the lyrics or the tune. Everything was blurry, Rachel was there, a little blonde Quinn screaming at her mom for a hug; and ice, a lot of ice. She was cold, when she woke up in the middle of the night.
Quinn woke up the next morning, well noon (thank God it was Saturday) to the smell of coffee. And she was actually smiling, even though it was grey and cold outside. Puck was making coffee, hopefully he was alone, she desperately needed to talk him. She went into the kitchen, Puck was smiling at her.
„Oh, you're up. Had some girl talk last night?"
„I see Santana filled you in." Quinn smiled back, pouring coffee into her cup.
„I don't know anyone, who took so long to realize what's happening, and believe me I know a lot of stupid people."
„Are you saying I'm stupid?" Quinn's eyebrow curled up.
„Well, let's say you are thick and stubborn."
„Can we stop offending me right now. I need you to help me." She was saying that a lot these days. “I can’t believe I’m asking you for advice!”
Puck was really happy with what he had achieved here.
„And could you please tell me how you knew about this mess, when I didn't even know?"
„Okay, you are going to Lima, right! I'm gonna come to, I have to see this."
„Puck, what do I do when I'm there?" She felt helpless
„Britt says you should sing to her."
„Why is everyone talking to each other but not with me? I'm not going to sing to Rachel? Did you see her pictures? I can't hold a tune, when I look at her. And stop those thoughts." Her hand hit Pucks head.
„I'm trying, really, I am. But look at you..."
“Puck, you're not helping." She felt panic in her voice and started walking up and down the kitchen with her cup of coffee in her hand. She still had time to come up with something. Maybe she shouldn’t go?
„Q, calm down, you have nothing to lose. All you gotta do is be honest, with yourself and with Rach. I think she has an open mind, seeing she has two dads."
„I was so mean to her, I hurt her so many times. I know I told her I was sorry, but she probably hates me still. I would!"
„She's is a grown-up woman now, I'm sure she forgave you. You are freaking Quinn Fabray, make her fall for you too, even though you were a bitch."
„Do you really think she would like me?" Why was she so insecure about this?
„I see, you still need some time here, it must have been a shock for you. Let's have some PB & J, I'm starving." Quinn chuckled „You know that's not very healthy! You should eat something better, maybe..."
„Shut up Q, or I'm gonna put you back in that closet." Both started laughing and had PB & J.
„As I said I'm the Quinn Fabray expert,” Puck started talking “I saw you, how you watched her in the choir room, I saw how you were fighting your feelings by being mean to her. Nobody was allowed to hurt her, that poor St. James, you kicked his ass after her made that omelet on her. You always talked about her when we were fooling around, but I didn't care. I saw the way she looked at you, when we were kissing. Q, it was obvious!
Aaaand I was talking to Mercedes, remember you lived with her. She gets you too; she knows you. She made me talk to you, she really cares for you." He said while he took a bite of his sandwich.
„I'm really sorry I wasted your time here."Quinn really was sorry.
„You didn't, my imagination was running wild, I am the chosen one to lead you on the right path, you're my baby momma, I had to do that. That's what friends are for and I had to make up for what I’ve done to you. I really shouldn’t have pressured you into having sex with me. You went through hell twice because of me. I wanted to be a good man for once in my life." Did he just apologize for taking advantage of her? He gave her a warm hug. „Thanks, Puck." She hugged him back and she felt, there was different kind of love and respect.
The week passed and Quinn got more nervous the closer they got to her visit to Lima. She was made fun of a lot by Santana and Puck, only Brittany seemed to enjoy „the love that has grown for so long" and helped her with all the emotions, Brittany had a way that made Quinn talk about her feeling. She wished she had spent more time with Britt back in high school, maybe it wouldn’t be this complicated for her.
She needed that so much, she could say everything she always wanted to say without being judged. But she didn't mind Santana's teasing, because she was her friend and she kind of deserved it.
As Santana suggested she got a new hair cut, she always liked her short hair, it made her feel free again. The memories of her pink hair came back, that skank phase was something else. Maybe she’s going back to that vivid color after Lima, so many things have changed in her life.
She also got a manicure and went shopping. She got herself a cute red summer dress that fit her perfectly. But did she want to look cute rather than hot? Rachel had always told her she was beautiful, the thought about that moment in the girl’s bathroom made her smile. Maybe she'd just take something hot to dress too, just in case she needed it. But what? Her Cheerios uniform still fit, she put it back in her closet, laughing. No, not this time. Quinn sent pictures of her outfits to Santana „I'd say skinny blue jeans and a white t-shirt will make her crush for you. Pack them and this other dress you look so hot in, we'll decide in Lima. You can borrow some of mine." She probably packed too much, but she needed choices.
Quinn had a lot stuff to organize, since she was missing a full week at Yale. She had papers to write, an essay to finish and get all the handouts of what she was missing. She had to read all that stuff on the train. So, there was no time to think about what to say to Rachel.