Chapter Text
Kim Junmyeon had big bulging eyes because of his glasses. His mother said he was charming, so he believed her. He was wearing clothes that covered all of his skin most of the time, they were colorful and exaggerated because he liked bold colors. His father told him he was stylish, that he had knowledge of the fashion world, so he believed him. He believed everything his parents said, because he loved them more than anything.
On Tuesday, Junmyeon's father went to the hospital to make donations and he had to go to school. School was nice, but people didn't believe he was charming or that his clothes were fashionable.
It was okay, because his parents told him he was charming. He could take it all as long as his parents told him the things he liked to hear.
– I'm sorry… I… I didn't mean to.
– Junmyeon tried to pick up the expensive lunch that had fallen on the floor. It was the snack of Byun Baekhyun, one of his classmates.
- Huh? - Baekhyun muttered nervously.
He didn't know about the young boy with the colorful clothes and big eyes, until that summer, when they accidentally bumped into each other in the cafeteria on the first day of school. Until that day, Junmyeon had done a great job of never standing out, just hanging out with his friends Sehun and Minseok without attracting attention, talking about the things they liked, what they planned to do when they got to high school, and which clubs they would join. Junmyeon had really worked hard all this time.
He didn't know that all his efforts would be interrupted in ninth grade, when he finally bumped into that boy.
– It's okay, get up. – Baekhyun smiled gently, holding Junmyeon's arm and making him stand up.
At first, Junmyeon was scared. Because of his clumsy personality, his classmate ended up running out of snacks. But after the rebellious-looking boy gave him a gentle smile and said that everything was fine, then he was able to relax a little more. Well, that's what he thought.
– Hello my friend Kim Jun… Hmmm… Junkyu?- Baekhyun arrived at Junmyeon's table with a lunch box in a bag. They were on break time in the classroom.
Baekhyun wasn't in the same class as Junmyeon, but he was constantly visiting him because since that day, the two of them kept a secret between them.
– What is it, Baekhyun?! Can't you see we're talking, you moron? – Minseok, Junmyeon's best friend, intervened, annoyed.
– Control your temper, Bumpkin Pinscher. – Baekhyun retaliated, pulling out a chair to sit next to them.
Minseok was small and had curly hair. They called him the Bumpkin Pinscher because he came from a small town in the countryside of Busan, so whenever he got irritated his accent sounded stronger.
– Hello Baekhyun, what do you need this time? – Junmyeon smiled kindly.
Junmyeon's kindness annoyed Baekhyun, made him despise Kim as if he were a being from another world. But back then, in Baekhyun's eyes, he really was from another world. He was ugly. He was disgusting. He was a monster. His haircut was terrible and he smelled like oil paint. Everyone noticed that except Junmyeon.
Just being in the same place as Junmyeon made Baekhyun want to throw up, even if the other had never done anything wrong to anyone, even if he never even raised his voice or challenged people's mean attitudes towards him. Even if he was just a child.
– You know, my friend. I'm not hungry today, so I was wondering if you could have this for me. He threw the lunch box on the table. Smelled bad, as if the contents there were rotten.
– That stinks! Get this out of here! – Minseok tried to take the lunch box away, but Baekhyun looked at him as if he was going to kill him.
– Go get some water, Kim Minseok.
Baekhyun held Minseok's hand and whispered something in his ear, the boy left without saying anything. Junmyeon looked worried, but didn't see that his friend had been threatened, he could only look at the lunch box on his table.
– You're going to eat for me, right? I don't want to throw it away, my mom tried very hard to get this recipe, you know? – He pouted followed by a sad face.
Junmyeon should be a kind boy. That's what his mother taught him. As hard as it was, as much as he felt angry or feared other people, he should be a kind person.
"Dad is making donations right now, so i must be nice to other people too."
Junmyeon took the spoon that was inside the lunch box and started to eat. Whenever he felt anxious, he ended up avoiding throwing everything out. The other people watched but didn't say anything. They smiled at the situation. Not everyone, but most. Junmyeon felt his mouth burning, it was like his stomach was struggling to not let that strangely sticky food in, but he still tried to swallow.
– Is it delicious? My mom made it with love. – He smiled.
– Your mother… She cooks well… – Junmyeon tried to smile, but some tears came out of his face. He was feeling really bad.
Baekhyun spat on the plate and threw the lunch box on Junmyeon's head, making a mess on the floor.
– Liar. You're a liar.
The people in the room laughed, but burst out laughing even more when Junmyeon threw up.
The news of what had happened spread to the students who were at recess, and from that day on, things started to get weird.
– Dear! I heard you got sick at school, is everything okay?
– I'm fine, Mom. It must have been something i ate.
Junmyeon's mother rushed to take his temperature as soon as he got home. Her hands were warm and gentle, it was something that made Junmyeon feel immediately comforted.
Her look of concern was present. Kim didn't want to bother her with what happened at school, so he didn't tell her about it, even though she was surprised that he came home in his gym uniform instead of his usual one.
Junmyeon ran to hug his father. He was calm as a plant. He had never raised his voice, not even once. His father was a very famous lawyer, and even though he was so recognized in his field, he had a studio where he painted the most beautiful works.
– You'll smell like oil paint if you stay here cleaning my brushes all the time. – He said with a soft laugh.
– I know you have difficulties getting down, so whenever i can, i will come to help you. – Junmyeon countered, crouching while looking for some ink pins fallen on the floor.
– You should be playing with your friends, don't you think?
– Sehun must be busy training and Minseok went to Busan to harvest rice with his family, he won't be back until tomorrow. – He crossed his arms, annoyed. – Mr Kim, are you trying to get rid of me?
– Oh. You got me!
- Daddy! – He snorted.
Even though he had a terrible day at school, in the end, his father and mother would still be there for him. Junmyeon could handle any situation if his parents welcomed him home at the end of the day, if his father was in that bright studio and his mother showed up with some peach tea. If that summer, every day was like that, then Junmyeon could be sure that he would be happy.
(...)
In mid-April, one of the coldest months in Korea, Junmyeon caught a cold. He had always been sensitive to low temperatures, so Minseok was always telling him to be careful. However, this time there was a specific reason why Junmyeon wasn't able to be more cautious with his health that day.
Junmyeon was cornered by Baekhyun and his group of friends on the terrace of the school. Sehun was with them and he seemed a little apprehensive about the whole situation.
– Heyy, my buddy, Jun… Shit, I can never remember his name. It must be because it's a little pathetic. – He grumbled. – Shall we find a name for you?
- It's Junmyeon. Kim Junmyeon! – He said, smiling.
- Shut up. He said he'll find a name for you. – One of his friends said angrily. He was Taeyang, a first-year student.
Junmyeon didn't understand the situation, so he just kept quiet.
– We already have a four-eyes, right? – Baekhyun asked Lee Donghae.
– Yeah, that little boy from fifth grade. Sunoo? Something like that.
– Let's call him Keroppi. – Baekhyun laughed.
- Why? – Donghae asked.
- Can't you see his face? He's ugly as a frog! – Baekhyun, Donghae and Taeyang burst out laughing. – Croak! Croak!
Junmyeon didn't think that was funny, just like he didn't find it funny the day of the spoiled lunch box and all those days he paid for Baekhyun's lunch. Junmyeon was starting to think about being a bad boy, until his parents came to mind. His parents were good people, so he needed to be a good person.
– Baekhyun… Why are you doing this? – Junmyeon asked, holding back not to do something he would regret.
- Why do I have to be involved in this 'little confusion' of you guys? Leave me out. – Sehun said, almost leaving.
Baekhyun grabbed Sehun's shoulder and laughed
- Prince Oh, isn't he your friend? Sorry… Let me correct that… – He paused. - Your best friend?
Junmyeon wanted to hear an answer. His eyes didn't leave Sehun's direction as much as he wanted to lower his head, but Sehun just walked away without a single word. This attitude hurt Junmyeon. Weren't they friends? Every weekend they went
out to play, helped Junmyeon's father clean the studio and had peach tea with Mrs. Kim. It was as if Minseok and Sehun were brothers. It was supposed to be that way, but what had gone wrong? What was happening at that moment?
– Wow, that even hurt ME. – Taeyang said, holding back a laugh.
– Take off your coat and scarf, little frog. – Baekhyun approached to take off his scarf.
- What are you doing?! - He screamed. - It's cold, stop it!
Baekhyun sighed heavily and forcibly ripped off his scarf.
– Take off your coat now while I'm still patient.
– I thought we were friends… I`ve been buying you snacks since the second day of the school year, I also did you countless favors and even did your homework, you said you would be my friend if I did that. – Junmyeon replied, trying to convince Baekhyun of something that not even he knew the answer to. - Friends don't do that to each other!
Baekhyun laughed, but immediately made a serious face. Friends? Baekhyun was never friends with Junmyeon. He was clumsy and only opened his mouth to talk about how amazing his father was, anyone would be annoyed by that. Anyone would hate him.
- Friends? I would never be friends with you. Are you an idiot? Everything about you is pathetic. – Baekhyun's words were spat out as if they were daggers aimed at Junmyeon's chest.
Junmyeon didn't say anything, just handed his coat to the other, who left with his friends and locked the terrace from the inside. Young Kim felt his skin burning in the cold. His knit shirt wasn't enough to keep him warm, so there was no alternative but to wait for someone to come.
It took a while. He didn't call out to anyone, he didn't yell, he just stood there, quiet.
- Hey, Byun. He'll be fine, right? – Taeyang asked, trying not to show his fear of getting caught if something happened.
- If you're worried about him then go help him, you idiot.
While they were talking on the stairs leading to the terrace, Minseok saw them leaving and panicked. He had been looking for Junmyeon everywhere since earlier, but he couldn't find him.
The boy spotted Sehun at a drinking fountain and ran to ask for help, but it was in vain.
– Sehun! Help me search for Junmyeon, please! – Minseok begged, holding the younger's arm. – He needs us!
Sehun took Minseok's hand from his arm forcefully, causing him to stumble and stagger a little. Luckily, he didn't fall to the ground.
- Leave me alone, dammit!
– Did you hear a word I just said?! Junmyeon is probably being bullied by those idiots, won't you help me deal with it? We're friends! – Minseok yelled impatiently.
Of all the people in the world, Junmyeon was the only one who understood Minseok like no one else, and the only one who helped him when he messed up. He thought Sehun was like that too. A dear friend he could count on in difficulties, but something was wrong.
– If I were you, I would stop talking to Junmyeon at school. – Sehun spat out, begrudgingly. – You´re gonna end up the next one being bullied.
– Fuck you, you coward! – Minseok kicked Sehun's calf hard. - I'm the one who should bully you until you kill yourself! You piece of shit, traitor!
The nonsense of swearing followed by screaming surprised not only Sehun, who was trying to hold back the pain in his aching calf, but everyone nearby in the hallway.
That was officially the end of Minseok and Sehun's friendship. One disagreement was enough for them to cut ties and make all those walks between friends and nights awake talking about dreams in vain. It was painful and sad.
(...)
– Junmyeon! – Minseok finally found him. - Sorry I took so long!
Junmyeon was happy to see his friend, so he hugged him while trying to hold back the icy tears on his face. He spent all that time thinking about how people looked at him, about how all this time they weren't happy with his presence.
He finally realized that his parents had actually lied to him.
His glasses weren't charming, they were ugly and disproportionate. His clothes weren't stylish or any of the other difficult words his father was always using to compliment him, they were hideous and outdated.
Right there and then, he realized that his parents were liars.
“Minseok…” He buried his face in his friend's warm and comforting shoulder. – Why… Why does everyone hate me so much?
Suddenly, the tears he held back inside fell like a waterfall. There was nothing Minseok could do to comfort his friend because he didn't understand how he felt. Unlike Junmyeon, Min was always full of friends and surrounded by people who enjoyed being with him.
That day, Junmyeon cried a lot, but it wasn't because of the cold.
On the fifteenth, on a Friday in June, Minseok was transferred because he moved to his hometown, a demand made by his mother. Junmyeon was left alone, as Sehun didn't talk to him anymore. Junmyeon's parents kept going to the hospital frequently to make donations, so he spent time on the porch reading comics. Junmyeon was lonely.
Sometimes, Junmyeon would pretend to be sick so he wouldn't have to go to school, and his mother knew he was lying, but she let him skip a few times. It had been a while since Baekhyun had bullied him, but the other students still excluded him and laughed at him behind his back. It felt like a nightmare.
Junmyeon knew that lying made him a bad boy, but he made it a habit. Skipping class, pretending to be sick often, and having lunch in the bathroom. His mother didn't have time to be suspicious, nor did his father, after all, they were always rushing back and forth from the hospital as if they were seriously ill.
On a hot day, Junmyeon laid his head on the legs of his father, who was meditating. He was Buddhist.
His father looked so frazzled and weak, but he insisted on spending the day painting in his studio, even if it rained, even when it was sunny. Even though his wife told him to rest, he still remained there, painting and meditating. Junmyeon wondered what was wrong with him.
– Junmy – Mr. Kim called him, continuing with his eyes closed.
- Yea?
– What would you do if your mother or I died tomorrow?
Junmyeon stood up abruptly, annoyed.
– Never say that again! I can't imagine it...
– It's just a hypothetical question. Answer, son.
As much as Junmyeon thought, he couldn't find an answer. He loved his parents, needed them. The boy grew up being loved and cared for all his life, and just thinking about what he would do if they left was a headache.
– I don't know, Dad. I… I just can't imagine it.
– You will need to live. – He said, opening his eyes. - You are young.
After that, Junmyeon just kept thinking.
–Junmyeon, your mother and I are like an island that you must escape from. We give you shelter, resources to keep you alive and a beautiful view of what life is all about. - He paused for a moment to look at the sky. – But what if, by chance, a tsunami engulfs this small island? Where would you go? Who would give you shelter? Resources?
He didn't know the answer, so he felt frustrated.
- You would dad.
- Me?
- Yes, you.
That was a strange conclusion, but Junmyeon just kept silent. His father was a wise man, so it was difficult to keep up with him in matters.
-It's okay to be a bad boy sometimes, Jun.- He said, smiling. – It's okay to lie, yell, or curse when you're feeling frustrated and lost. Nobody will judge you for that. You are a very kind young boy, but everything that is too good ends up perishing. Sometimes, to defend yourself, you have to be a bad boy.
That day, Junmyeon had finally understood his father. He was happy about it, but suspicious that this conversation was a kind of preparation.
So later he asked his mother something that had been hammering in his head.
– Do you want to know what happens after death? - she asked, and he nodded. – Well, depending on your sins here on Earth, you can go to Heaven or Hell.
-Dad said such things don't exist, Mom. – Junmyeon said, sitting on the chair and playing with some fruit while watching her wash the dinner dishes.
– That's because your father is a Buddhist, Jun. As a Christian, I believe that God is an amazing man who will forgive our sins and take us to Heaven. His father, on the other hand, believes that we will be reborn as a family again in our next life.
For an instant, Junmyeon was even more confused. They believed in such different things, so how did they manage to get married?
– How did you get married having such different beliefs?
– Well, love doesn't choose gender, belief or economic situation, it just… It's born. You understand? Love is love, no matter what way. - The lightness in her words, the way they came out of his mother's mouth was free of prejudice. Miss Kim was a noble-souled and passionate woman.
The conversation ended there, but the curious young boy still remembered every word, syllable by syllable, letter by letter.
(...)
Autumn indicated that the entrance exams for high school were approaching, and Junmyeon would finally be able to forget about his difficult past year once it passed. His mother promised that she would give him whatever he wanted if he got a good grade, and that made him even more anxious.
He missed Xiumin and Sehun studying at his house, everyday memories of them messing around and arguing like two idiots invaded his mind. It was lonely being alone.
– Its been a while, my dear frog friend!
It was that voice.
A flash of memories invaded his mind, spoiled lunch box, April cold, money spent, snacks thrown away, paper balls in the middle of class, dirty water thrown over his head while he was in the bathroom, table sprayed with graffiti and dozens of broken glasses thrown to the floor on the hallway. Situations he'd been through during the year and endured silently. Just remembering it all made him nauseous.
- Did you enjoy this time where I gave you some peace? Looking forward to the big tests? – Baekhyun was acting as if nothing had happened, and that upset Junmyeon.
– Please stop intimidating me… – He asked softly, trying to get Baekhyun to leave him.
- Intimidate you?! We're just trying to get close to you through fun jokes!
Junmyeon tried to ignore him, but the boy pulled on his backpack to tease him. As Baekhyun and his friends laughed, Junmyeon walked away, trying not to think about it too much. All he knew was that it was gonna be a busy day, and hiding this time definitely wouldn’t work anymore.
The teachers were the opposite of the students, they adored Junmyeon's personality and were always praising his efforts in the classroom despite difficult situations. The problem is, they were aware of Kim's situation, yet never took action. This made him even more excluded from the rest of the class.
After his first three classes ended, Junmyeon went to the bathroom to study by himself. It had become a habit, he would do it to kill time and the loneliness that had consumed him during the year, as well as diverting his thoughts from things. – I miss Minseok… – he muttered softly, wiping a tear that was running from his right eye.
Then, he heard three knocks on the door.
– Excuse me, could you vacate this cabin if you're not using it? – A gentle voice on the other side asked calmly. It was a deep voice, but strangely pleasant to hear. - If it's not too much trouble, of course.
Junmyeon just walked out without looking the tall pink haired guy in the face.
He smelled weird, like fast food,he was probably just back from a part-time job or something.
(...)
The high school entrance exam day finally had arrived, Junmyeon was eager to put into practice everything he had studied for months.
Ms. Taeyeon collected all the students' cell phones and turned to the class to explain the exam´s rules. It all happened very quickly, without Junmyeon even noticing it, someone exchanged his water bottle.
Everything in the test went well, Junmyeon had already marked all the answers until he saw something strange on the label of his plastic bottle. It was a small piece of paper with all the answers to the exam marked on it. He immediately hid the bottle so that no one would see it, but it was already too late.
– Junmyeon, what are you hiding there?! – Ms. Taeyeon asked, approaching him quickly.
The boy couldn't say a word, everything pointed to him, no matter how many times he denied it or tried to prove otherwise. In the end, he ended up just handing over the bottle and receiving a disappointed look from Ms. Taeyeon in return.
(...)
– I hope this doesn't happen again, Mr. Kim. – Director Lee Soo Man gave Junmyeon a gentle smile and handed him a warning paper.
– Right… Sorry…
Junmyeon wouldn't get the gift his mother had promised, let alone any spring break, as he would have to stay in detention the whole time. Thinking about it made him angry, all those nights he spent studying were thrown away by something he didn't even see happen.
Going to his locker, he saw Byun Baekhyun laughing with some of his friends. Without thinking twice, Junmyeon threw the water bottle he was holding at the redhead's face, causing a small bleeding near his right eye.
- I'm tired of you. – This time, Junmyeon would do what his father said and be a bad boy, to protect himself. - I never did a single thing to you, but all this time you insisted on chasing and bullying me. WHY?!
Baekhyun felt dizzy, feeling the effect of the object that had hit him fully. He then smiled and approach Junmyeon.
– Apologize. – Baekhyun demanded.
– Did you ever apologize for any of the times you bullied me? When you stole my scarf and coat and made me catch a cold outside? Or when you spit on my lunch? Have you ever apologized or regretted any of it?
Baekhyun grabbed Junmyeon's hand and forced him to slap his face, he then threw himself on the ground.
– Junmyeon… I… Please, I'm sorry! - He knelt down, begging for something that wasn't even there. - I swear I'll do the cheating papers right next time!
Everyone was watching that little show, and once again no one said anything. But unlike the times where Baekhyun was the aggressor and Junmyeon was the victim, they had never looked at him like that. They had never looked at Junmyeon with those pitying looks. It made his blood boil, made him mad.
– JUNMYEON! – Mr. Soo Man shouted from afar.
(...)
Junmyeon had been expelled. He was devastated, but in a good way, he felt free now. He wouldn't see Baekhyun or his stupid group anymore, not even the faces of those people who hated him for no reason.
As he ran happily out into the rain, he heard a soft, deep voice singing. The sound of the guitar matched the rainy day, and his voice sounded like the chill of the wind.
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
Junmyeon looked everywhere for the owner of the beautiful voice, but could not find him. His brown hair was wet from the heavy rain, but he wasn't bothered. That voice was one of the only good things that happened to him on that horrible day.
Then, he got a call.
-Hello? Hi Mom! I have bad news for yo-
October 15, 2018, the day Junmyeon's father passed away from a final-stage stomach cancer.
Junmyeon finally found out that his parents also lied about donations at the hospital, found out that actually the times his father passed out were not just of tiredness, and that he would always go to the bathroom with his mom because he couldn't go by himself anymore. Junmyeon finally understood the reason for that conversation he had with his father.
He couldn't hold back his tears. His sobs and racing heart were just two of the many effects that made his body boil. He was running, he wanted to get home and see his dad painting like every other day, he wanted this all to be a prank by his mom for his bad behavior.
But it wasn't.
When he got home, an ambulance was already taking his body out of the house. Junmyeon ran out of breath.
- Daddy!
Junmyeon grabbed the stretcher, preventing the paramedics from taking it away.
– Stop it! He's not dead! - He yelled at the top of his lungs. - He only fainted because he's tired!
– Junmyeon, dear… – His mother tried to stop him, tears falling nonstop from her eyes as well.
- Dad, I'll behave, I promise! I'm going to get good grades, I'm going to keep quiet and I'm not going to ask stupid questions or ruin any of your paintings anymore! Please, please come back to us!
– Honey… – Mistress Kim hugged Junmyeon.
In the midst of that heavy rain, not even his mother's warm embrace was able to warm Junmyeon.
(...)
A week had passed since Mr. Kim passed away. Junmyeon didn't leave his studio, he kept staring at the same painting nonstop: La famille.
Mrs Kim entered the studio and sat beside him, pouring him some peach tea.
– Should we move and go on a vacation honey? You can study from home.
Last night, Ms. Kim had received a phone call from Mr. Soo Man apologizing for expelling Junmyeon, he also said something that shocked her: it was reported that Junmyeon was being bullied at school. She felt so frustrated that she wasn't aware of it, she was so busy trying to take care of her husband's cancer that she ended up forgetting about her own son. She felt like she was the worst mom in the world.
She wanted to redeem herself for her time away.
- Should we? – She asked again, taking Junmyeon out of his thoughts.
– Ah… Traveling?
- Yea. Your father and I have a vacation home in Busan. We can spend some time there and come back later if you like. Your aunt and grandmother live nearby, so we'll be fine.
Junmyeon didn't respond, just hugged the painting.
-There's a studio there filled with your father's paintings from when he was young.
- We should go. It will be fun.
Junmyeon smiled for the first time that week.
So they left.
Junmyeon became known at school as the ´Weirdo` who left out of nowhere, the whole school talked about him for months until he was finally forgotten. Nobody remembered who he was or what was his name, but everyone made fun of him for some unknown reason.
3 years later.
– Honey, could you help me carry these boxes? – Mrs Kim´s ponytail was all messy and she looked tired of all the change.
– Of course, mom!
Junmyeon dropped the paintings he was carrying and helped his mother carry the boxes.
Now he no longer had a weird haircut or big bulging eyes from his glasses. His clothes were different from before, he was almost a man.
– My son is almost a man, I wonder when he will marry someone.
- Mom, I already said I don't want to date!
-At your age, I used to say that too. - She shrugged her shoulders and walked into the house.
They had finally returned to his old house. His childhood memories surfaced in his mind, bringing a nostalgic feeling. Images of his late father flashed through his mind
along with memories of conversations and family dinners with genuine laughter and movie nights with snacks to eat in the middle of the night.
After finishing organizing the house, they felt satisfied. It was late and they were tired.
– Tomorrow you´ll go back to school. Won't it be hard for you? It's been a while since you last attended school.
– I'm already on the last year, so it shouldn't be that difficult. - He smiled, certain that this time it would work.
- It's time to sleep. I'll lock everything up, so wash up and go to bed.
Junmyeon nodded and finished his peach tea.
As soon as he did as he was told, he slowly lay down on his bed, looking up at the old and slightly damaged star lamp.
- Dad. We're back. I hope you didn't miss us too much.
Gradually, his eyes closed and he fell asleep.
The route he took to go to school was still the same, nothing seemed to have changed, not even the bus he took. Some commercial establishments were still the same. Seoul was still very modern.
When he finally arrived, Junmyeon realized what was happening.
He was finally back at SM Academy.