Archive of Our Own

May 29th, 2015

Dinner is a loud, happy affair as it usually is. Getting all the Scotts together in one room tends to lead to a lot of talking and laughing and good times. Jonathan sits back, wine glass in hand, and watches his parents and brothers, smiling. It’s nice to be surrounded by family.

He takes a sip of wine, already dreading what he has to tell them. He’s put it off for a couple of weeks now, but time is short, and it’s not fair to them to not tell them what’s going on. Eventually, things quiet down. JD and Drew are in the kitchen, rinsing the dinner plates and loading up the dish washer. His mother brings him a mug of coffee and smiles at him.

His father sits across from him and studies him for a moment. “So what do we owe the honor of this dinner, son?”

“As nice as family dinners are, I do have a reason I asked you all to be here tonight.” Jonathan puts his glass down on the table and looks at each of them.

JD and Drew are leaning back against the counter in the kitchen, listening. Their mother comes and sits next to their father, holding his hand. “You sound serious.”

“I am. I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m just gonna say it. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and they found something. A tumor. In my brain. It’s inoperable and chances are of any kind of treatment, radiation included, helping it are very slim.” Jonathan explains slowly.

His mother gasps and clutches at her husband. “A brain t-tumor?”

Jonathan nods. He looks over at his brothers to find them just staring at him, shock on their faces. Drew’s squeezing a wine glass so hard, his knuckles are white.

His father clears his throat and Jonathan turns back to him. “So what does this mean? What are we going to do?”

Jonathan sighs and folds his hands in front of him on the table. “There’s nothing to do. I don’t want the treatment. It would only make me sick and most likely wouldn’t help. I don’t want to spend the rest of the time I have with you sick and in pain and in bed, wasting away. I’d rather live the rest of my life as best I can with the people I love and then take my own way out when the time comes.”

“How…..How much time?” JD asks, voice strangled in the quiet of the room.

“Six months to a year, depending. Not much longer than that.” Jonathan shrugs, trying to be casual about it, but he’s tense.

The wine glass slips out of Drew’s hand and shatters on the floor. Everyone flinches and looks over at Drew, who’s staring at Jonathan, expression unreadable. JD reaches out and touches his arm and Drew jerks away from him, stepping over the broken glass and heading to his bedroom without a word.

Their mother makes to get up, but Jonathan waves her back down. “I’ll go. Don’t worry about it.” He gives her a small smile.

JD comes to the table and sits down as Jonathan gets up and heads for Drew’s room. He pauses outside, listening for a moment, before knocking on the door. Drew doesn’t answer him and he twists the door knob, unsurprised that it’s locked.

“Drew? Let me in, please.” Jonathan calls out.

There’s no answer and the door doesn’t unlock. Jonathan sighs and heads to his room and grabs the spare key out of his nightstand drawer and heads back to Drew’s room.

“Drew, if you don’t let me in, I’m gonna come in anyway.” Jonathan warns him. There’s still no answer.

Jonathan unlocks the door and steps inside the dark room. He blinks, shutting the door behind him, looking around for Drew. A muffled gasp from the side of the bed catches his attention and he walks around the bed and kneels down in front of Drew.

Drew’s got his knees up against his chest, arms crossed, and face buried in his arms. His breathing is fast and shallow and Jonathan knows he’s on the verge of a panic attack. He reaches out slowly. “Drew, it’s okay, you’re okay. I’m right here. Can you look at me?”

“Get out.” Drew’s voice is muffled, but Jonathan can hear the anger there.

“I don’t wanna leave you like this.” Jonathan protests, resting a hand on Drew’s knee.

“You’re gonna leave anyway! You’re fucking dying!” Drew shouts, looking up at Jonathan, tears still falling down his cheeks.

Jonathan sighs. “Yeah. Yeah, I am. I’m sorry. You know I would never do this on purpose.”

Drew looks away from him. “That doesn’t mean I can’t be angry.”

“You can be angry. I’m angry. I’m so angry about this and about all the things I’m not going to get to do and be around for. All the houses I won’t see, all the people I won’t meet, all the family things I won’t get to be at.” Jonathan sits down in front of Drew.

“Stop.” Drew gasps out, a sob catching in his throat.

“Sorry. I know it sucks. Believe me, I know. So be angry, be angry at me, yell at me, whatever you want. Just don’t shut me out, okay? I don’t wanna waste time without you.” Jonathan runs his thumb along Drew’s knee, tracing over the bump of bone through his slacks.

“You remember that promise we made when we were seven?” Drew asks, voice hoarse. He unfolds himself and reaches out to Jonathan.

Jonathan takes his hands. “The one where we swore we’d never be apart from each other? That’d we never go where the other couldn’t follow and we wouldn’t leave each other behind because we hated the thought of being separated?”

Drew nods. “We promised.”

“And now I’m breaking it.” Jonathan sighs, tears stinging his eyes.

“Yeah.” Drew looks at him.

“You know if I had any other choice, I’d do it. If I thought I could beat this, I would. If I thought any kind of treatment would help, I would get it. You know I’d never willingly leave you. You know that.” Jonathan squeezes Drew’s hands.

“I know, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are leaving me. You’re dying. Actually dying. That’s terrifying.” Drew takes a shaky breath.

“I know. I’m scared too. But we still have time left and there’s no use in spending it dwelling on what we can’t change.” Jonathan tries to smile, but it’s wobbly.

“I don’t know how to live without you.” Drew admits quietly, looking down at their hands.

Jonathan doesn’t know what to say to that, so he pulls Drew in for a hug, eyes burning. If there’s a damp spot on his shoulder, well, Drew has a matching one.

Eventually, they untangle themselves and head back into the kitchen where their parents and JD are still sitting at the table. Their mother has been crying and she gets up and hugs Jonathan tightly, sobbing against his shoulder. He bites his lip and closes his eyes and hugs her back, offering whatever comfort he can. He knows this is hard for them. Parents should never have to bury their children, he thinks, and shoves the thought down, swallowing around the lump in his throat.

They sit back down and Jonathan answers as many questions as he can. Is he sure that there’s no treatment that will help? The odds aren’t good enough for any of them for him to go through the side effects. Is it really inoperable? Yes, it’s encroaching on too many parts of his brain for them to feel comfortable trying to remove it without damaging anything. What does he mean “take his own way out”? There’s a medicine he can take when the time is right and it’ll put him to sleep and he just won’t wake up. That sounds like you’re putting an animal down! He knows, but he doesn’t want to call it suicide because it’s not, not really. Are there any symptoms? Headaches, nausea, vomiting, maybe some cognitive and behavior changes. Nothing he can say for sure besides the headaches. Will he still be going to the doctor? Yes, to check on the growth of the tumor and check how it’s affecting him.

His mother sighs and stands up, hugging him again, kissing his cheek. She’s exhausted and wrung out and his father is insisting they take a moment and sleep on it and face this again in the morning. Jonathan agrees and watches them leave, his mother leaning heavily against his father. He feels awful for this, wishes he didn’t have to tell anyone, but that would have been worse on them, he knows.

Abruptly, Drew shoves his chair back from the table and stands up. “I’m going to go to bed.” He says slowly, not looking at either JD or Jonathan before walking away, not waiting on a response. Jonathan watches him go as well, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Drew is not going to deal with this well.

Jonathan heaves a sigh and drains the last of the wine in his glass before burying his face in his hands. JD watches him in silence, pouring more wine into both of their glasses. Jonathan leans back in his chair and drops his hands into his lap. He stares blankly at the table, feeling a little lost.

“Hey.” JD says quietly, looking at Jonathan.

Jonathan looks up at him. “I’m sorry.”

For what?” JD asks, frowning at him in confusion.

“For just dumping all of this on everyone.” Jonathan picks up his glass and takes a drink.

“Well, we had to know. There’s no easy way to break this kind of news.” JD points out.

“I just feel so awful about it.” Jonathan admits, swirling his wine around in the glass.

“It’s not like you asked for this to happen to you. It’s not your fault.” JD leans forward, looking intently at Jonathan.

“I know that, but I still feel bad about it. Mom and Dad are upset. Drew’s really upset. I’m sure you’re upset too.” Jonathan runs his free hand down his face.

“Of course I’m upset. But that’s not on you. I’m upset at the situation, at what’s going to happen, but it’s not your fault and I’m not upset at you.” JD explains.

“That makes one of you then. Drew’s furious at me.” Jonathan grumbles.

“It’s Drew. You know he’ll get over it.” JD takes a sip of his wine.

“I know. I just hate putting everyone through this. I wish I wasn’t sick or dying or that I didn’t have to tell you this.” Jonathan groans, leaning back in his chair.

“I know. It’s awful. So how long ago were you diagnosed?” JD asks.

“It’s been a few weeks.” Jonathan admits quietly.

“A few weeks? And you’re just now telling us?” JD snaps before settling back. “Sorry.”

Jonathan waves him off. “You’re right to be angry. I’d be angry in your shoes. It’s just hard and it never seemed like the right time to tell you all.”

JD nods, but doesn’t say anything.

“I didn’t want to tell you, any of you. But I knew that would be unfair to everyone. It’s just weird to think about. Kind of surreal. I’m dying. Like actually dying. And not in decades from now. In less than a year, probably.” Jonathan shakes his head.

JD looks away from him, tears welling up in his eyes. Jonathan catches the look and leans across the table, reaching out to JD. “Hey, I’m sorry.”

JD sniffs and clears his throat, shaking his head. “It’s just that I’m supposed to protect you from everything. I’m supposed to shield you from all the bad things in the world. Things like this aren’t supposed to happen to you because I’m supposed to look out for you. I’m your big brother. This isn’t supposed to happen.”

“JD, you have protected me. You remember in school when you found out those kids were picking on me and Drew and you put a stop to it?” Jonathan asks, squeezing JD’s hand.

JD nods.

“This isn’t something you can protect me from. This isn’t something anyone saw coming and, by the time we knew about it, it was too late to do anything. So you can’t blame yourself for this. It’s just life, JD.” Jonathan says softly.

“I know, but I still feel like I’ve let you down.” JD admits.

“You’ve never let me down. You’ve been there for me through everything. You’ve been my biggest supporter and the person I could always count on. Don’t you ever think you’ve ever disappointed me or let me down because you haven’t. I promise.” Jonathan says intensely.

“I’m supposed to be comforting you, not the other way around. You’re the one who’s sick.” JD laughs hoarsely.

“Yeah, well, we all need a little role reversal once in a while.” Jonathan smiles and lets go of JD’s hand, picking his wine glass back up and draining it.

JD does the same. “I’m here for whatever you need, okay?”

Jonathan nods.

“I think it’s time we go to bed. We can talk more in the morning when we’ve slept on it.” JD stands and picks up his wine glass and the bottle, plucking Jonathan’s from his hand too.

Jonathan sighs and gets to his feet, walking over to JD and hugging him from behind as he rinses the glasses out at the sink. “Thank you.”

“For what?” JD sounds confused.

“For being my big brother.” Jonathan squeezes JD briefly before letting go of him. “I’ll see you in the morning. Good night.”

“Night.” JD glances at him as he puts the wine glasses on the dish rack to dry and dries his hands off on the kitchen towel.

Jonathan heads to his bedroom, pausing outside of Drew’s for a moment, but the light’s off and there’s no sound from the inside, so he continues on to his room, exhausted all of a sudden. His bed sounds really nice right about now.

--------------

May 30th, 2015

The next morning dawns bright and early and Jonathan gets up and gets dressed as usual. They have a long day of filming and working on the reno site ahead of them. He knows his parents will want him to stay so they can talk some more, but he’s grateful for the excuse to not have to do that. He hates seeing the heartbreak in their eyes.

Drew’s silent on the car ride over and he immediately heads for the production trailer without a word when they get to the house. Jonathan sighs and pretends it doesn’t bother him, but he knows Drew needs some space to process what he’s dealing with now.

Jonathan spends the day with his crew, laughing and joking and working. He knows he needs to tell them and tell the network executives, but right now, he’s content to pretend everything is just fine. He wants to be normal for another day before he drops this bomb on them. He doesn’t know what this will do to the shows, but he hopes they won’t cancel them completely. That would hurt Drew even more.

When they break for lunch, Jonathan seeks Drew out in the trailer, bringing him a sandwich as a peace offering. Drew’s on the phone with another realtor, looking stressed out as he tries to negotiate the price point lower for his client. He waves Jonathan off when Jonathan holds out the sandwich to him, but Jonathan is patient and takes a seat on the small couch, unwrapping his own sandwich.

Finally Drew hangs up the phone and sits down at the makeshift table. Jonathan’s already finished his sandwich and is watching Drew calmly. Drew picks at the wrapping of his sandwich absently.

“What?” Drew finally asks, glancing at Jonathan.

“We need to talk.” Jonathan folds his hands in his lap, still calm.

“About what?” Drew asks, unwrapping his sandwich.

“The shows. What’s going to happen to them when I take off from them.” Jonathan says.

Drew stares down at the sandwich, no longer hungry. “We’re going to have to have a meeting with the execs.”

“I know that, but I wanted to talk to you first about when I’m leaving and when we should make the announcement and how.” Jonathan leans forward.

“Do we have to talk about this now?” Drew asks, flicking a look at Jonathan before refocusing on the sandwich in front of him.

“Yes. I want this out of the way, so I don’t have to worry about it.” Jonathan is firm.

“So when do you want to leave then?” Drew asks sharply, shoving the sandwich away from him on the table.

“The best time would be after we’re done with this episode and this house.” Jonathan answers slowly.

“I figured you’d say that.” Drew nods jerkily.

“What do you think?” Jonathan tries to catch Drew’s eye, but Drew’s staring down at the tabletop.

“Does it matter what I think? You’ve got this all planned out, so what does it matter what I think?” Drew snaps.

“It matters to me because you’re my brother and this affects you too. I want your opinion.” Jonathan sighs.

“Do what you want, Jonathan.” Drew gets up and leaves the trailer.

Jonathan lets him go, trying to ignore the hurt that Drew’s words have inflicted. He knows Drew’s having a hard time dealing with this and he doesn’t blame him for that, but he needs Drew’s support now more than ever and this is odd behavior for Drew anyway.

Lunch time ends and he gets out of the trailer, mood significantly worse than when he left. He works on the house and doesn’t see Drew for the rest of the day since he’s not needed for filming.

It’s a long day.

--------------

June 4th, 2015

A few days later, they have the sit down with the network executives and Jonathan fills them on the details of his health. Everyone is understanding and sympathetic to him. Drew is withdraw and barely speaks during the meeting as they work out the details for putting the shows on hiatus and announcing Jonathan’s reasons for leaving and his health.

Drew doesn’t offer his opinion one way or the other and eventually, they stop asking him when he snaps at them again and again. He doesn’t even want to attend the press conference that they’ll hold for Jonathan to announce everything.

Once they’ve worked out the broad strokes of everything, the meeting is over and Drew and Jonathan leave the office building, heading home.

“Are you going to be there for the press conference?” Jonathan asks, looking over at Drew.

“It would look bad if I wasn’t.” Drew says shortly, hands squeezing the steering wheel briefly.

“I know this is hard on you and all, but I -” Jonathan starts.

“Just, can you just shut up about it? I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Drew growls, not looking at Jonathan.

“Fine.” Jonathan looks away from him, irritation on his face.

The ride home is tense and angry. Drew flips on the radio to fill the silence. Jonathan stares out the window and resists to urge to bang his head against it.

When they get home, Drew’s up and out of the car before Jonathan has his seatbelt off. When Jonathan gets into the house, JD’s sitting on the couch, looking after Drew as he stalks down the hall to his room. His bedroom door doesn’t slam, but it’s a near thing.

JD turns to look at Jonathan. “What’s his issue?”

“He’s mad at me.” Jonathan rolls his eyes and drops down on the couch next to JD.

“Why?” JD asks, twisting to face Jonathan.

“Because we had the meeting with the network about the shows going on hiatus and having a press conference to explain why. He’s not happy about that. Speaking of, will you go to the press conference with us?” Jonathan asks.

“Of course. Just let me know when and where.” JD nods.

“Thanks.” Jonathan sinks back into the couch, tired.

“You okay?” JD asks, concerned.

“Yeah, it’s just been a long day. I’m not looking forward to the conference or anything. And I hate it when Drew’s pissed at me.” Jonathan runs a hand down his face.

“He’ll get over it.” JD pats Jonathan’s knee.

“I know, but it still sucks. Especially now.” Jonathan admits quietly.

“Do you want me to kick his ass?” JD asks, half-serious.

“No. Like you said, he’ll get over it.” Jonathan waves JD off, but he smiles at him.

“By the way, mom and dad had a prior engagement, which they wanted to cancel, but I convinced them to go and do it because I figured that would be easier on you.” JD says.

“Yeah. I love them, but I can only deal with so much hovering.” Jonathan sighs.

“Figured as much.” JD nods.

“Thanks.” Jonathan gives him another grateful smile.

“No problem.” JD picks up the remote. “Wanna just veg out for a bit then?”

“Yeah. Sounds good.” Jonathan kicks off his boots and props his feet up on the coffee table, settling in for some trashy tv with JD.

---------------

June 9th, 2015

Five days later, the conference is set. Jonathan takes his seat at the table and sips from his water bottle, nervous in a way that he usually isn’t. The press begins to filter in, taking their seats. The moderator leans over to Jonathan and asks him if he’s ready. He glances at his brothers, JD flashing him an encouraging smile and Drew not even looking at him. He nods and takes a deep breath as the moderator begins to welcome everyone in.

“I’m joined here today by the Scott brothers. Jonathan has a very important announcement to make, so I ask you all to please save your questions until the end as this is a very serious matter. Jonathan?” The moderator turns it over to him.

“Thank you for coming today. It’s greatly appreciated. My announcement is not one of good news. Property Brothers and Buying And Selling will be going on hiatus because I am having some very serious health problems.” He pauses, letting the crowd mutter anxiously to each other.

“In fact, there’s no easy way to say this, but here goes nothing. I have a brain tumor and I have a very limited amount of time left, so the shows are going on hiatus to give me more time with the people who matter most to me.” Jonathan manages to get out.

JD’s hand lands on his knee under the table, squeezing comfortingly.

Drew’s face is stoic.

An eruption of questions comes from the crowd. The moderator gets things back under control.

“I’m not going to go into any more detail about that because it’s health information that I consider personal and private, but I will say that I am starting a charity organization called The Silver Foundation that will be dedicated to the research and medical care of people with brain tumors.” Jonathan gives the crowd a quick smile.

“Now we’ll open up the floor to a few questions, but keep in mind that we are pressed for time here.” The moderator says, looking at the crowd sternly.

“How much time do you have left?” One reporter asks.

“Not enough.” Jonathan answers.

“How are you handling it, Drew?” Someone else shouts.

“As well as I can.” Drew leans into the mic.

“And you, JD?” Another question.

“We’re just taking it day by day.” JD answers calmly, hand tightening around Jonathan’s knee.

“What does this mean for the future of the shows and your careers?” A shout from the back.

“We’re still working on that.” Jonathan nods.

“And that’s all the time we have left. Thank you all for coming.” The moderator shuts it down quickly.

Jonathan, Drew, and JD leave quickly, avoiding the press as well as they can. Jonathan’s exhausted and all he wants to do is go curl up in bed and sleep for the rest of the day.

“Well, that went better than expected.” JD muses.

Drew scoffs, but he doesn’t say anything.

Jonathan shoots him a look. “What, Drew?”

“Nothing.” Drew snaps.

JD opens his mouth to scold Drew, but Jonathan shakes his head.

“So what’s this about The Silver Foundation?” JD asks instead.

“I’m working on it with a few people and it should be up and running soon. Basically just what I told them in there. It’ll be a charity for the research and medical care of people with brain tumors. I also wanted to ask you to be the president of it.” Jonathan explains.

“Yeah, of course!” JD smiles at him.

Drew resists the urge to roll his eyes, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Good. There will be a meeting about it in a week or so to finalize the details.” Jonathan gets into their car.

Drew slips into the back, not really wanting to be around Jonathan right now.

JD gets into the driver’s seat. “I’ll be there with bells on.”

Jonathan chuckles. “Good.”

Jonathan and JD continue talking about The Silver Foundation while Drew leans back against his seat, trying to tune them out. He absolutely does not want to think about Jonathan dying. That’s too much to ask of him. He didn’t even want to be here today for this stupid conference, but he knew how bad it’d look if he wasn’t and he doesn’t need rumors about their “crumbling relationship” that the media would stir up if given half the chance.

Better to be unhappy and present a united front in front of the press when they have to than to let them speculate on their own. Besides, he’d never hear the end of it from JD if he wasn’t there to support Jonathan.

Too bad no one’s there to support him.

---------------

June 11th, 2015

A few days after the conference, Jonathan heads into the office building, hoping Drew’s in a good mood today.

“Drew?” Jonathan pokes his head into Drew’s office, hoping he’s not on the phone.

“Yeah?” Drew doesn’t look up from his paperwork.

“I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my doctor. Will you drive me?” Jonathan asks, stepping into Drew’s office.

“I have a client meeting in the morning.” Drew signs the page in front of him and then shuffles the stack.

Jonathan sighs, but turns and leaves, knowing it’s no use to press the subject with Drew. He pulls out his cell phone and calls JD.

“Hey, I have a favor to ask.” Jonathan walks down the hall.

“Sure, what’s up?” JD’s voice sounds cheerful over the line.

“I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning. Will you take me?” Jonathan asks.

“What about Drew?” JD sounds confused.

“He’s busy.” Jonathan says shortly.

“Okay. Yeah, it’s no problem. What time?” JD lets the subject drop.

“It’s at ten am.” Jonathan answers.

“Cool. I’ll be there.” JD confirms.

“Thanks. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.” Jonathan hangs up when JD tells him goodbye.

Jonathan makes a few more phone calls to his various site managers as he heads down to his car and gets in. A sharp, blinding pain in his head makes him groan, but it fades quickly, leaving behind a dull headache throbbing behind his eyes. He presses his fingers to his temples and massages them for a moment before grumbling to himself and heading home.

No one’s at the house when he gets there and he’s pretty thankful for that. He dumps his work stuff on the dining table and heads for his room. He kicks off his boots and wriggles out of his jeans, unbuttoning his shirt and tossing it over his desk chair. He walks into the bathroom and wets a washcloth with cool water and squeezes off the excess. He tugs off his undershirt and curls up in bed, folding his washcloth into a rectangle of sorts and placing it on his forehead.

He sighs in relief at the cool dampness and pulls his sheets up over him. He just needs a shirt nap and then he can deal with the world again. His cell phone rings from his nightstand he groans. He fumbles for it, not even bothering to open his eyes as he answers.

“Hello?”

“Where the hell are you?” Drew’s voice is sharp and irritated.

“At home. What’s wrong?” Jonathan asks, concerned.

“Why did you leave? You know we still have a ton of work to do today.” Drew snaps.

“I needed a break. I’ll still get the work done. Don’t worry about it.” Jonathan sighs.

“Yeah. Make sure that you do.” Drew hangs up on him.

Jonathan heaves another sigh and drops his phone on the bed next to him. His headache spikes, the dull throbbing replaced by a shape ache in the center of his forehead. He turns over onto his side and tries not to let Drew’s anger get to him. He just needs a break.

He knows soon he’s going to have to tell the network executives about his condition because he’s going to have to leave the show soon, but he wants to stay as long as he can because he loves what he’s doing. He loves helping people find their houses and turning them into dream homes. He hates the thought of having to give that up. He doesn’t want to take that away from Drew either. He knows Drew loves the show and he feels selfish for having to quit soon.

Eventually, the headache dies down to a dull ache again and he drifts off, sleep uneasy and restless.

---------------------

June 12th, 2015

The next morning, Jonathan’s up and dressed by nine. He heads into the kitchen for a cup of coffee and blinks at Drew sitting at the island on his laptop.

“I thought you had a meeting this morning.” Jonathan slips a K-Cup into the Keurig.

“I did. It was at eight. Only lasted about half an hour.” Drew doesn’t look up from the screen.

“Oh.” Jonathan doesn’t point out that Drew totally could have taken him to his appointment. It doesn’t matter now anyway.

JD comes into the kitchen. “Make me a cup?”

Jonathan nods, glancing at JD. “Sure.”

“You coming with us, Drew?” JD asks, dropping down next to him.

“No.” Drew answers shortly, fingers never pausing on his keyboard.

JD looks at Jonathan as he slides his coffee to him. “Okay…”

Drew doesn’t reply and Jonathan just shakes his head and sips at his coffee. A tense silence reigns over them. The only sound is Drew’s typing.

JD checks the time on his phone. “Come on, Jonathan. Let’s get an early start.”

“Yeah, okay.” Jonathan finishes off his coffee and follows JD out of the house.

“So what’s his deal?” JD asks, jerking his head back at the house.

“He’s been like that for a while now. I think he just doesn’t want to see that I am sick. He doesn’t want to have proof of it. I asked him to take me this morning and he told me he had a client meeting. And he did. Two hours before my appointment and he was finished in half an hour. So he could have taken me, but he just didn’t want to.” Jonathan slides into the passenger seat.

“He’s being a jerk, basically.” JD buckles his seatbelt and starts the car, backing out of the driveway.

“I mean, I kind of understand it. In his place, it would be hard for me too, but his attitude towards it is just exhausting.” Jonathan rubs his forehead, trying to ward off the impending headache.

“Hard on him or not, that’s no excuse not to be there for you.” JD grumbles.

“I don’t know how he’s going to react when I have to take time off from the shows. He seems content to ignore that’s happening, even after the meetings and the press conferences. Not to mention the social media explosion.” Jonathan sighs.

“When are you going to do that?” JD asks, glancing over at Jonathan.

“Probably after I finish the current house and we wrap up filming on that.” Jonathan says.

“Makes sense.” JD nods.

“I just feel bad because I don’t want to take this away from Drew. He loves it just as much as I do. Plus, if he’s getting half the questions and tweets and Facebook comments about it that I am, then I know this is driving him even more crazy.” Jonathan admits.

“Hey, Drew will understand. You’ve gotta take care of you right now. He’s a big boy. He can deal with the fans. They’re just concerned.” JD pats Jonathan’s knee as he turns into the hospital parking lot.

“I just don’t want him to be angry at me for this.” Jonathan looks away from JD.

“He can’t be angry with you over this. It’s not like you’re doing it on purpose or just taking off from the show for no reason. Your health is important and if this is what you have to do, well, then do it.” JD parks and turns off the car, looking at Jonathan.

“Yeah, I know you’re right. Come on. Let’s get this over with.” Jonathan gets out of the car and walks into the hospital, JD following him.

They get on the elevator and head up to the Neurology Wing.

“What do you have to do today?” JD asks, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Mostly just get a shot of corticosteroids for the headaches. I also have an MRI scheduled to check on the growth, so that’ll take about forty-five minutes.” Jonathan steps off the elevator and heads down to the waiting room, gesturing JD in. “You can wait here or the cafeteria's not terrible. It’s in the basement.”

“Okay. If I’m not here, just call me when you’re done. You sure you don’t want me to come in with you?” JD asks, turning to look at Jonathan.

“Nah, I’ll be fine.” Jonathan flashes him a quick smile before heading into the office.

--------------

An hour later, Jonathan’s waiting for the results of the MRI test. He’s already gotten his shot and they had drawn some blood for further testing, but Jonathan knows it’s mostly pointless. He’s dying and there’s not much to be done about it.

Doctor Iris steps into the room, reading something in the manilla folder in her hands. Her face is tight, mouth drawn into a thin line. She’s not happy.

“Well, lay it on me, Doc. What’s the bad news?” Jonathan kicks his feet back and forth for a moment, letting his heels knock against the metal of the exam table.

She looks up at him, closing the folder, sharp eyes scanning over him. She’s young, blonde and blue eyed and pale. Pretty. Top of her field. Jonathan likes her. She doesn’t sugar coat things, but she isn’t rude either.

She puts the folder down on the counter by the sink and sighs, tucking her hands in her lab coat. “The tumor is growing faster than we had originally estimated.”

Jonathan mulls this over for a second. “So that means I have less time then?”

She nods. “We thought you’d have closer to a year. At least six months. Now it’s looking like four months to six months. If that.”

Jonathan closes his eyes and nods. His hands shake and he clenches them into fists on his knees. “Okay.”

She looks at him with sympathy in her eyes. “We should have the blood test results back next week and I’ll give you a call for that. Do you have any questions or anything you’d like to talk about?”

“No.” Jonathan shakes his head and slips off the exam table, the paper crinkling under him.

She rests a hand on the door handle. “I’m only a phone call away if you need anything.”

“I know. Thanks, Doc.” Jonathan steps out the door she holds open for him and nods at the nurse at the desk before heading out.

JD’s not in the waiting room, so Jonathan calls him and tells him he’s ready to go.

Jonathan meets him in the hospital lobby and they head to the car.

“So how’s everything?” JD asks, looking Jonathan over.

“Didn’t get the greatest news ever.” Jonathan mutters, looking frustrated.

“You wanna talk about it?” JD asks, reaching out and putting a hand on Jonathan’s shoulder.

Jonathan stalks around the car to his side and gets in. JD gets in and starts the car, but doesn’t start driving. He turns to look at Jonathan, waiting him out.

Jonathan takes a deep breath. “The tumor is growing faster than they thought. I have less time than we thought.”

JD flinches. “How much less?”

“Four to six months. If that.” Jonathan says, voice emotionless.

“Oh my God.” JD whispers, staring at Jonathan.

“Can we go home now?” Jonathan asks, pressing his forehead against the window.

“Yeah, yeah.” JD nods and pulls out of the parking spot, heading home.

The drive back is silent. JD doesn’t know what to say to Jonathan and Jonathan doesn’t seem very chatty either, but JD reaches out and rests a hand on Jonathan’s knee and Jonathan lets him. It’s a small gesture, but it helps them both.

When they get home, Drew’s still at the island, working on paperwork and talking on his cell phone. He hangs up just as Jonathan comes in and he glances up at him.

“You gonna do some work today or do you need another break?” He scoffs.

Jonathan doesn’t rise to the bait. “I’m leaving later on to go check in on the reno.”

“Good. It’s about time you did some work around here.” Drew snaps, signing another piece of paper before laying to the side.

Jonathan doesn’t answer, just turns and heads back to his bedroom, leaving JD in the kitchen with Drew.

“What the hell is your problem, Drew?” JD rounds the island and glares at him.

Drew flicks an irritated look at him. “What are you talking about?”

“Why are you being such an asshole to Jonathan?” JD asks, bracing his hands on the island top and leaning over.

“I’m not.” Drew rolls his eyes.

“You are! I just watched you be an asshole to him for no reason!” JD’s voice rises in volume.

Drew looks up at him. “So I’m a little irritated that he didn’t do much work yesterday. Oh well. He’s a big boy. He can live with it.”

“You are so lucky you’re my brother or else I would have punched you in the face already. Do you not understand that he’s dying? Actually dying. Do you not understand that he doesn’t have as long as we want him to have?” JD snarls.

Drew flinches. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what? Tell you the truth? Tell you that, if you don’t get your shit together, the last thing you ever say to Jonathan could be said in anger and then he’s gone before you make amends? How would you feel then, Drew? Knowing that he died with you pissed at him over shit that doesn’t matter in the long run? How do you think he’d feel?” JD knows exactly what buttons to press. It doesn’t feel good to do this to Drew, but he needs someone to talk some sense into him and who better to do that for him than his big brother?

“Stop it.” Drew won’t look at JD now.

“You’re wasting what precious little time he has left snapping at him over stupid shit. I don’t care how you deal with this on your own time, if you wanna be angry and hurt and wallow in it, but you keep it away from Jonathan. You bring it to me if you need to, but damn it, Drew. Do you really want to treat him like this given the circumstances?” JD doesn’t hold back.

Drew stares furiously down at his laptop, the words on the screen blurring. Tears prick the back of his eyes. “Shut up.”

“He’s your twin and he needs you now more than ever. He’s dying. Get your head out of your ass and be there for him and support him or at least back off with your bullshit, Drew. I mean it. He loves you and he needs you. So be there for him. Don’t make me do this again.” JD warns before turning away from Drew.

As soon as JD’s out of the room, Drew gasps and shoves his laptop and papers away from him, burying his face in his arms, muffling his sobs. He knows he’s been unfair to Jonathan, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to think about Jonathan dying and leaving him all alone. It wasn’t fair on either of them.

He manages to get himself under control and washes his face at the sink. He packs up his things and leaves, intent on going to his office and getting some more work done because that he could control. That’s easy stuff compared to what’s at home for him.

It’s easier to ignore it and push it down, even with JD’s words ringing in his ears.

--------------

Jonathan can hear JD’s raised voice from the kitchen in his bedroom. Great. Now he’s got his brothers fighting. He’s batting a thousand today. He leans against his bedroom door and sighs, scrubbing his hands down his face.

JD’s voice gets even louder, but Jonathan can’t hear Drew’s. That’s not so unusual. Drew doesn’t like to yell and hardly ever raises his voice, even if he’s being shouted at. JD sounds pissed though. Jonathan slides down his door and sits cross legged on the floor.

A soft whine from the corner of the room catches his attention and he spots Stewie by his bed.

“Come here, buddy. It’s okay.” Jonathan holds out his arms to the tiny dog and Stewie bounds into his lap, licking his fingers.

Jonathan smiles down at him and strokes his soft ears gently. “At least you’re happy to see me.”

Stewie woofs in agreement and nips lightly at Jonathan’s fingertips. Jonathan chuckles and pets Stewie, smoothing his fur down the way he likes it.

He flinches and Stewie whines when JD’s bedroom door slams shut and Jonathan wonders if he should get up and try to talk to his brother, but he decides against it. He needs to get to work today. He had already pushed back shooting today because of his appointment and he didn’t have much time to waste to get back over to the house.

“Gotta go, buddy.” Jonathan places Stewie back on the ground and stands up, brushing himself off. He sends a quick text to JD, letting him know he’s going to work before leaving for the reno site.

--------------

“And that’s a wrap on Jonathan for today.”

As soon as the cameras are off of him, Jonathan sighs and leans back against the wall that he’s taking down, suddenly exhausted. He can fake it for the cameras, can smile and crack a joke, but he’s tired all the time now. Even worse than before. Drew comes over to him, a worried look in his eyes, even as he’s smiling and handing Jonathan a water bottle. Jonathan smiles gratefully back and takes the bottle, opening it and drinking some.

He needs to talk to Drew about what Doctor Iris told him, but Drew’s been steadily ignoring that there’s anything wrong with Jonathan. His way of coping seems to be to deny that there’s a tumor in Jonathan’s brain and that Jonathan has a limited amount of time to live and just pretending that everything is fine and normal.

Jonathan doesn’t know how to get around that with Drew, doesn’t know how to make him see that acting like everything is fine isn’t helping. He hates thinking about the night he told everyone about his illness, how much it hurt Drew and how devastated he was, but Jonathan needs him more than ever. He needs Drew to understand that he’s not going to get better, that this isn’t something they can ignore.

“So I was thinking after this house, we could help out that couple with the twin girls, you know?” Drew says, looking at Jonathan.

“I told you, after this house is finished, I’m taking a break from the show. We talked about this, Drew.” Jonathan sighs, wiping his forehead.

“You were serious about that?” Drew frowns.

“Look, I know you wanna pretend that everything is fine, but it’s not, Drew. I’m sorry, but it just isn’t and I can’t keep feeding into your delusions about it. I’m not okay. I’m not going to be okay. So no, as much as I would love to help more people with the show, I have to think about what I really want to spend the last of my time doing and who I want to spend it with. I don’t have a lot of it left, so I have to make decisions. I know this hurts you, but I have to be honest and you have to face the truth too.” Jonathan explains.

Drew gives him a wounded look. “I know everything isn’t okay. I just don’t wanna think about it all the time. Is that so bad? You’re not the one who gets left behind in the end. You’re not the one that has to live without you. Okay? So maybe I wanna pretend once in a while that everything is okay, everything is normal. Sue me. You don’t have to live in a world where your twin isn’t there. You won’t know what it’s like to exist without your other half, so excuse the hell out of me for wanting to pretend that you’re not dying!”

Jonathan flinches back slightly as Drew spins on his heel and storms away from him. He wants to call him back, wants to offer some comfort, but he doesn’t know what to say. He can’t imagine a world where he doesn’t have Drew, but that’s exactly the world Drew gets to have when he’s gone. He just wishes Drew were more willingly to discuss this with him instead of acting like nothing is wrong. He needs Drew now more than ever and Drew doesn’t even want to acknowledge the fact that Jonathan is dying. Jonathan wouldn’t want to think about Drew dying either, but this is his reality now and he just really needs his brother.

He pushes off the wall and takes another drink of the water before heading after Drew. They need to talk and what better time than the present? It’s not like Jonathan has a lot of time to spare these days. He winces at that morbid thought and pushes it away. He needs to be serious about this for Drew and not make it into a joke. He knows how to deal with his brother.

He heads for their car, finding Drew leaning against it, talking on his phone. It’s a client on the other line, Jonathan can tell by Drew’s business tone and the slight frown on his face. He waits until Drew makes his goodbyes and hangs up, scrubbing a hand down his face and huffing a sigh.

“Long day at the office?” Jonathan smirks, trying to break the ice.

Drew squints at him for a moment. “I don’t know if I wanna talk to you right now.”

“Well, tough because I wanna talk to you.” Jonathan slips into the passenger side of the car and Drew gets in, arranging himself before starting the car.

“Do you want to stop and get something to eat or order in?” Drew asks as he navigates the busy streets.

“We can order in.” Jonathan says, glancing at Drew.

“I know I haven’t been the most supportive about this, but it’s hard, okay. It’s so hard to deal with the fact that you’re dying. That you have only so much time left. I don’t know how to process this. I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring it, but it’s just so fucking hard.” Drew’s voice catches on the last few words and his eyes blur over with tears that he blinks away, refusing to let them fall.

Jonathan reaches over and rests his hand on Drew’s knee. Drew glances at him before looking at the road again. Jonathan takes a deep breath. “I know this is hard on you. I can’t even begin to imagine being in your shoes because I have no idea what I’d do without you. I can’t begin to think about what it would feel like to lose you. So I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for this. If I could change it, I would. If there was some cure or treatment, I would take it in a heartbeat. There’s nothing that would ever make me willingly leave you and you know that.” Jonathan squeezes Drew’s knee.

Drew looks at him, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “I know.”

“I’m scared. I’m terrified. I don’t want to do this without you. I don’t want you to push me away over this because I don’t want to waste time being angry at you or you being angry at me. I don’t have a lot of time left. So please, don’t push me away. Don’t shut me out. Don’t ignore this. Because this is my reality right now. And I need you now more than I’ve ever needed you before.” Jonathan admits quietly, watching Drew carefully.

Drew clenches his hands around the steering wheel so hard, his knuckles turn white. He fights back a sob, furiously blinks away the tears. He needs to see. He’s driving. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Jonathan closes his eyes, tears stinging. “I don’t want to leave you.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just so hard. We’re twins. You’re literally my other half. I don’t….I can’t be without you.” Drew finally turns onto their street and guides the car into the driveway, turning it off.

“You can. You will. It won’t be easy, but you can do it. But don’t live for me. Live for you. I don’t want to weigh you down like that. That’s a dark spiral you won’t come out of if you go down it. So live for you, not me.” Jonathan unbuckles his seatbelt and turns to look at Drew.

Drew makes a pained gasping noise and scrambles out of the car. He leans against it, taking several gulping breaths of air. Jonathan gets out of the car a little more slowly and walks around to Drew’s side.

Drew looks at him, tears falling down his face. “You’re asking too much of me. I can’t deal with this.”

Jonathan cups Drew’s face, wiping away his tears with his thumbs. “You are one of the strongest, bravest people I know. You can do this. It won’t be easy. It’ll hurt like hell. But you can do it. I promise.”

Drew wraps his arms around Jonathan and clutches at his shirt, not even caring that the sweat and dirt from the days’ work is getting on his suit. He sobs himself hoarse as Jonathan rubs his back and makes soothing noises in his ear.

Finally Drew takes a shaky breath and pulls away, wiping his face. “No more running. I can handle this. I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”

Jonathan smiles at him. “You always are.”

Drew gives him a wobbly smile in return. “Tell me what you need.”

Jonathan turns and walks to the front door, digging his keys out of his pocket as he goes. Drew follows him, closing and locking the door behind him.

Jonathan heads into the kitchen, pulling a couple of beers out of the fridge. “I need to talk to about my doctor’s appointment today. I got some news.”

Drew sits down at the table and takes the beer Jonathan hands him. “Okay. That doesn’t sound good.”

“I’m going to be honest with you. It’s not good news. Like at all.” Jonathan sits down across from Drew.

“I said I’d be there for you and I meant it. So tell me.” Drew pops the cap off of his beer and takes a swig.

“If you’re sure.” Jonathan nods.

“I am. I can do this. We can talk about this. Just tell me.” Drew says firmly.

“Okay. There’s no easy way to say this. Like any of this is easy. But the tumor is growing much faster than we thought. I’ve got four to six months instead of six months to a year. If that.” Jonathan watches Drew carefully.

“What?” Drew feels like he’s been punched in the stomach.

“I said it wasn’t good news.” Jonathan shrugs.

“How are you so calm about this?” Drew clutches at his beer bottle.

“Because the alternative is a breakdown and I’m not going to waste my time with that.” Jonathan takes a sip of his beer.

“I need to process this.” Drew mumbles through numb lips.

“Well, now that that’s out of the way, what do you want for dinner? I’m starving.” Jonathan asks, tapping on his phone screen, as he changes the subject.

“Chinese sounds good.” Drew takes another sip of his beer, ignoring the way his hands are shaking.

“The usual?” Jonathan asks, glancing up at Drew.

“Yeah.” Drew gets up from the table and heads for his bedroom. “I’m gonna take a shower and change.”

“Okay. I’ll wait til after dinner. Don’t wanna miss the delivery boy.” Jonathan walks into the living room and drops down on the couch, turning the tv on and flicking through the Guide to see what’s on.

Drew strips off in his bedroom, leaving his suit in a messy pile on the floor. Usually, he’d hang it up in his garment bag to take to the dry cleaners, but he just wants to get in the shower right now. He turns it on as hot as he can stand it and then a little hotter. He gets in and stands under the spray, letting it burn his skin and turn it pink.

His breathing gets shallower and faster and his chest hurts. His eyes are stinging and his throat feels tight. He sinks to his knees on the floor of the shower, letting the water pound down on his head as he clenches his fists, gasping for air. His heart feels like it’s going to beat out of his chest. He can’t breathe.

The door opens and Jonathan’s calling his name, opening the shower door. Drew feels his hands on him, hears him cursing at the heat of the water, but distantly, hardly aware of it. His chest hurts and he can’t get enough air. The water turns off and there’s a towel around his shoulders, Jonathan kneeling next to him, soaking his jeans.

He’s vaguely aware of Jonathan lifting his head, making him look at him.

“Drew, breathe with me. Deep breaths, okay?” Jonathan makes a few exaggerated breaths until Drew is breathing in time with him and starting to calm down. His hands are shaking. He feels weak and drained.

“Do you think you can stand up?” Jonathan asks after a few moments.

Drew thinks about it for a second before nodding. Jonathan stands and then helps Drew to his feet, wrapping another towel around him and putting his arm around his waist. He leads Drew slowly into his bedroom and sits him down on the edge of the bed. Drew watches Jonathan move around the room, gathering up a pair of underwear and lounge pants and a white v-neck for Drew to sleep in. Jonathan dries him off, hands gentle and loving on Drew’s skin. Drew feels delicate, fragile, like his bones are made of glass and his skin of tissue paper. He lets Jonathan dress him without a noise of complaint.

“Is he okay?” JD’s leaning against the door, watching them carefully.

“He will be.” Jonathan sits down next to Drew on the bed and looks at him.

“You need me?” JD asks, knowing that this is a twin moment and that Jonathan can deal with it.

“I’ve got it. You can go and eat if you want. We’ll be okay.” Jonathan flashes him a small smile.

“Yell if you need anything.” JD pushes himself off of the door and walks away, letting them handle it.

Drew sighs and hunches over, burying his face in his hands. Jonathan rubs his back soothingly, waiting him out.

“When did JD get here?” Drew asks, voice muffled by his hands.

“A little bit after you got in the shower. He picked up the food for us.” Jonathan replies.

“How….How did you know?” Drew sits back up and looks at Jonathan.

Jonathan taps his chest, above his heart. “Always in sync.”

Drew leans over and rests his head on Jonathan’s shoulder. Jonathan wraps an arm around him, tugging him closer. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Jonathan looks confused.

“For not being there, for ignoring you, for being a jerk about this.” Drew sighs.

“It’s alright. I know this isn’t easy on you.” Jonathan presses a quick kiss to the top of Drew’s head.

Drew lets out a shaky breath and leans even harder against Jonathan. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I know. But I’ll always be with you. You know that.” Jonathan hugs him tighter.

“It’s not the same and you know it.” Drew pulls away from Jonathan and stands up. “Let’s just table this for now and get some dinner.”

Jonathan lets him go. “Okay.”

Dinner is somewhat awkward since Drew and JD are still tense around each other. JD slings an arm around Drew’s shoulders though, knowing that Drew needs some comfort too every now and then. Drew leans into him briefly, shooting him a grateful smile as JD presses a kiss to the side of his head. He won’t be completely alone.

--------------

June 18th, 2015

“And that’s a wrap on the brothers!” The director calls out.

Everyone relaxes and begins to say goodbye to Drew and Jonathan, offering their sympathies to both of them. They take it in stride and thank everyone before managing to escape the newly renovated house to their car.

It’s a bit of a drive to their house, but they’re silent, contemplative. Drew answers emails on his phone and Jonathan texts back and forth with JD for a bit.

Driving on the highway is the usual hustle and bustle that it always is.

Jonathan breaks the silence. “I can’t believe it’s over.”

Drew glances at him. “I know.”

“We’ve been doing it for so long and now we’re just not.” Jonathan muses.

“I know.” Drew says a little more firmly, a touch of irritation in his voice.

“Something wrong?” Jonathan asks, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I just don’t want to talk about it right now.” Drew taps out something on his phone.

“Why?” Jonathan asks, shifting to look at Drew.

“Because it means that the end is coming faster than I want it to and I have to give you up.” Drew snaps, not looking up from his phone.

“You never have to give me up.” Jonathan reaches out for Drew.

“You know what I mean.” Drew pushes his hand away.

Jonathan frowns. “What can I do to help you?”

“Not fucking die would be a great start.” Drew drops his phone in his lap and glares out the window.

“Drew, please.” Jonathan sighs.

“Just drop it. I’ll be fine. I just don’t want to talk about it.” Drew hunches down in his seat.

“Okay.” Jonathan looks away from Drew.

The rest of the ride is quiet.

---------------

June 25th, 2015

“Hey, you wanna come with me to the pharmacy?” Jonathan asks, leaning against the back of the couch where Drew is sitting.

“You mean do I want to drive you to the pharmacy?” Drew smirks up at Jonathan.

“Semantics.” Jonathan waves his hand at Drew.

“Yeah, sure.” Drew flicks off the tv and picks up his phone from the table.

Jonathan tosses his keys to him and leads the way out of the house.

“So what do you need from the pharmacy?” Drew asks, curious.

“Just picking up a prescription.” Jonathan doesn’t look at Drew.

“For what? I thought you weren’t doing any kind of treatment.” There’s a hope in Drew’s voice that makes Jonathan wince.

“They’re barbiturates.” Jonathan says quietly.

“Why do you need barbiturates?” Drew asks, confused.

They pull into the parking lot and Jonathan gets out. “You know why.”

Drew frowns, confused, until he realizes what Jonathan means. “Oh God.”

Jonathan’s already standing in line to pick up his medicine when Drew catches up to him.

He grabs Jonathan’s arm. “I can’t believe you got me to take you to get the medicine you’re killing yourself with!”

Jonathan glances around. “Keep your voice down.”

“You could have told me this is what you were getting.” Drew folds his arms across his chest, glaring at Jonathan.

“Why? I know how hard this is on you and how much you don’t want to think about it, so what good would knowing this have done?” Jonathan asks, stepping up to the counter and giving the pharmacist his information.

Drew doesn’t have an answer to that. The pharmacist returns and Jonathan pays for his medication and they head out of the store.

“How bad is it?” Drew asks softly as they head home.

“Headaches are getting worse.” Jonathan admits, not wanting to go into too much detail. The truth is is that his vision is blurry most of the time and sleeping is getting harder and harder too. His hands shake a lot more now too. He knows he’s getting worse and that the clock is running down on his time.

Drew hums in acknowledgement, but doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know what to say. There’s too much to say and not enough time to say it all.

---------------

July - August 2015

Jonathan spends a lot of time with his parents and brothers. They take several trips all over the world, visiting countries they’ve always wanted to go and never had a chance to. JD and Drew put a lot of their work on hold and that makes Jonathan feel guilty, but, at the same time, he’s grateful for any chance to spend time with his family.

He seems to reach a middle ground with his symptoms in that he has a few, but the worst ones, he doesn’t get and he’s thankful for that too. He can live without the constant reminder that he’s sick. He doesn’t want to be a burden either. He wants to spend the last few months that he has happy and making others happy as well as he can.

He notices that Drew tends to hover now more than ever. They’ve always been close, but now they’re practically attached at the hip. Drew hates spending any time away from him.

So it doesn’t really surprise him one night when Drew slips into his room, feet quiet on the hardwood floor, and crawls into bed with him. Jonathan turns over to face him, squinting in the moonlight.

“What’s wrong?” He asks softly.

Drew shakes his head. “I just don’t want to waste any time.”

“So you’re gonna sleep with me now?” Jonathan smirks, but he lets Drew curl up under his blankets.

“Just don’t kick me.” Drew grumbles, but he reaches out and rests his hand on Jonathan’s chest, taking comfort in the steady beat of his heart.

Jonathan smiles and mirrors Drew, placing his hand on Drew’s chest too. “Still in sync.”

“Always.” Drew mumbles around a yawn, finally settling enough to fall asleep.

Jonathan stays awake a little longer, watching Drew sleep and worrying about him. He hopes JD will take care of him when he’s gone.

---------------

JD drops down on the towel next to Jonathan. “Hey.”

Jonathan looks at him. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Need a break from the waves.” JD grins.

“We’re in the Caribbean! You don’t need a break.” Jonathan stretches out on the towel, propping himself up on his elbows.

“How are you doing?” JD asks, looking down at Jonathan.

Jonathan grins widely. “Sunshine and the beach! I’m great.”

“Jonathan.” JD says, suddenly serious.

“It’s hard. Of course it is. But I’m dealing with it. I’m more worried about you and Drew and Mom and Dad.” Jonathan admits, looking up at the sky.

JD looks out over the ocean. “Drew’s going to take it pretty rough.”

“Yeah, I know. How are you doing with it all though? We haven’t really talked about it.” Jonathan glances up at JD.

JD presses his lips together in a thin line for a moment before speaking. “I don’t want to dump it on you. It’s my job to comfort you, not the other way around.”

Jonathan sits up. “Come on, you can’t be tough and strong all the time. Everyone needs a break now and then.”

“I don’t want to put it on you.” JD shakes his head.

“It’s what I’m here for. Talk to me.” Jonathan presses.

“I just feel like I’m failing you, letting you down because there’s nothing I could do to prevent this or stop it from happening to you.” JD blurts out.

“It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault any more than it is mine. You’re not letting me down. I promise.” Jonathan rests a hand on JD’s shoulder.

“I know that in my head. I know this was just something that happened, but I feel like I just didn’t protect you enough and that’s my job. The one thing I promised the day you and Drew were born. I was always going to be there for you and protect you.” JD sighs, drawing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

“You have been. You are. You’ve been the best brother I could have asked for. Don’t ever feel like you’ve failed me or let me down because you haven’t. You couldn’t.” Jonathan says.

JD snorts, but doesn’t answer.

“Look, I know this situation sucks. Trust me, if I could have more time or do something to cure it or get rid of it, I would in a heartbeat. I would never choose to leave you, any of you. You know that.” Jonathan squeezes JD’s shoulder.

“I know. It’s just gonna be hard without you. It’s always going to feel like something’s missing because you’re not there.” JD sighs.

“I’ll still be there. Just more out of sight.” Jonathan snickers.

JD flashes him a weak smile. “But it won’t be the same.”

“No, it won’t.” Jonathan agrees.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, watching the waves crash against the shore. Jonathan taps JD on the shoulder and stands up. “Last one in the ocean buys dinner.”

“Hey, not fair!” JD laughs, chasing after Jonathan into the water.

He buys dinner that night, exchanging smirks with Jonathan over the wine.

----------------

September 10th, 2015

Jonathan finds JD in their kitchen. They were finally back home in Las Vegas and their parents had returned to Canada for a few days. JD’s eating a bowl of cereal at the table, flipping through a magazine absently.

“Hey, you got a minute?” Jonathan takes a seat across from him.

JD drains the milk in his bowl. “Sure.”

“I wanted to talk to you about Drew.” Jonathan folds his hands on the table.

“What’s up with Drew?” JD asks, pushing his bowl away from him and looking at Jonathan intently.

“Nothing yet, but I don’t know well he’s going to handle me being gone. Not well, but you know what I mean.” Jonathan explains.

“No one is going to handle that well.” JD mumbles.

“I know. I’m sorry. You know I’m sorry. But I need you to promise me that you’re gonna take care of him. He’s not going to take care of himself and I don’t want this to break him.” Jonathan reaches out for JD’s hands.

JD takes Jonathan’s hands in his own. “You know I’ll do anything to keep him safe.”

“Even from himself.” Jonathan says seriously.

“You don’t think he’d try to kill himself, do you?” JD asks, frowning.

“I don’t know. I’m saying anything is possible and I just need to know that he’s gonna have you when I’m not here anymore.” Jonathan squeezes JD’s hands.

“You know he will.” JD nods.

“Thank you.” Jonathan says, letting go of JD’s hands and standing up.

“It’s coming sooner than we thought, isn’t it?” JD asks.

Jonathan pauses, not bothering to ask what JD’s talking about. He knows. “Yeah, yeah it is.”

JD nods after a moment and looks down at his magazine. He glances back up at Jonathan, tears in his blue eyes. “You know I love you, right? So fucking much.”

Jonathan smiles softly at him. “I know. I love you too.”

-----------------

September 22nd, 2015

“Are you sure you’re okay with us going?” JD asks for the third time.

“Yeah. Go. It’ll be fun. I’ll be fine.” Jonathan flashes him a smile

“We could also not go and stay here with you.” Drew points out, unwilling to leave Jonathan, even for a night.

“Where’s the fun in that? Just go. You’ll have fun and I’ll be okay. Promise.” Jonathan herds them to the front door.

Drew had been asked to give an interview for a radio station in Los Angeles and JD had tagged along at Jonathan’s insistence.

“Are you sure? I have no problem canceling this interview.” Drew says seriously, looking at Jonathan.

Jonathan smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Go. Everything will be fine.”

Drew frowns at him, but sighs. There’s something off about Jonathan, but he can’t put his finger on it and he doesn’t want to start an argument. He and JD head out to the car and load everything in it.

Drew turns and goes back into the house and hugs a surprised Jonathan as hard as he can. “I love you.” He whispers before pulling back.

Jonathan’s smile falters and he looks unbearably sad for a moment when he looks at Drew. “i love you too. You’d better get going.”

JD comes back inside. “We still going?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we are.” Drew nods and lets go of Jonathan, walking out the front door and not looking back.

JD turns and looks at Jonathan, considering him. He has a feeling he knows why Jonathan is pushing them to leave, but he doesn’t say anything. He gives Jonathan a hug, kissing his cheek when he pulls back.

They don’t say goodbye.

JD likes it better that way.

----------------

After his brothers are gone, Jonathan calls Doctor Iris. “I think tonight’s the night.”

“Are you sure?” She asks very seriously.

“Yeah. It just feels like the time. I’m getting worse, I can feel it. I don’t want them to see it.” Jonathan explains, trying to think around the pounding headache he has.

“Okay. What time did you want to do this?” She sounds calm and professional as if she’s asking about the weather and not about when he wants to die.

“Tonight. Around eight. I should have talked to them again by then and then I can let go.” Jonathan says, not letting his voice shake.

“Alright. I’ll be there.” Doctor Iris confirms.

“Thank you.” Jonathan says, really meaning.

“Everything will be alright.” She says before hanging up.

He puts his phone down and lets the dogs out into the backyard. He’s got some letters to write before he goes and he doesn’t want to be interrupted.

He sits down at the kitchen table and looks around his house. He’s proud of all of his accomplishments and it’s hard to leave everything and everyone behind, but it would be harder to stay when he knows he’s just going to get worse and worse. He’d never forgive himself for making them watch him suffer like that.

He sighs and puts pen to paper, starting with the letter to his dad. By the time he gets to Drew’s letter, the last one, he’s emotionally drained, but he doesn’t cry. His hand is killing him, but he feels like a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. He’s said everything he’s ever wanted to say to each of them and that’s relieving.

He gets up and goes outside, wanting to play with Stewie and Gracie one last time.

----------------

“Something doesn’t feel right.” Drew mutters as he drives, squinting out at the traffic on the highway.

“What do you mean?” JD asks, glancing over at Drew.

“With Jonathan. He was pushing too hard for us to leave. Something’s wrong.” Drew frowns, biting his lower lip.

“I’m sure it’s nothing. You’re paranoid.” JD smirks, not letting Drew in on his suspicions.

Drew gives him an annoyed look. “I am not.”

“He said he was fine, so he’s fine. He’d tell us if there was something wrong.” JD turns to look out the window again, praying that Drew doesn’t press the issue.

“If you’re sure.” Drew grumbles, but lets it drop, turning on the radio.

JD breathes a sigh of relief. He’s not going to be the one to break Drew like that.

----------------

Jonathan stares down at the pills in his hand. Doctor Iris is standing beside his bed, watching him patiently.

“Are you sure you don’t want them here?” She asks gently.

“No. I have to do this on my own.” Jonathan shakes his head, looking over the envelopes sitting on his desk, one for each of his parents and Drew and JD.

“Okay.” She nods.

“How long will this take?” He asks, voice shaking slightly.

“With that strong of a dose, probably not more than half an hour.” She answers.

Gracie and Stewie whine up at him from the bed.

He smiles at them, coming over and patting their heads. “I’ll miss you two so much.”

Doctor Iris finds herself having to look away.

He gets into bed and picks up his water bottle, putting the pills in his mouth and swallowing them down. He puts the bottle back on his nightstand and lets Stewie and Gracie climb all over him, doing his best to soothe them while Doctor Iris looks on, sitting beside him.

Eventually, he drifts off to sleep, the rise and fall of his chest becoming slower and slower until it stops.

Gracie and Stewie sit on his chest and lick his face, whining softly. Doctor Iris checks for a pulse and doesn’t find one and listens for a heartbeat and doesn’t hear one.

She begins to make the phone calls.

-----------------

Drew sits up in a cold sweat, frantic. Something’s not right. He scrambles for his cell phone and calls Jonathan, praying that he picks up. It rings and rings and goes to voicemail. Ice runs through his veins. He knows. He knows Jonathan is gone. He can feel it in his chest, the way his heart stutters out of time.

He knows it in the way that JD comes into his hotel room from their connecting door, tears already streaming down his face. He chokes out a goodbye to whoever he’s talking to on the phone and hangs up, staring at Drew.

“No.” Drew whispers as JD crawls onto the bed with him.

“He’s gone.” JD manages to get out, sitting on his knees in front of Drew.

“No.” Drew shakes his head.

“I’m sorry.” JD wipes at his face, but more tears just keep falling.

“No.” Drew gets out of bed and paces around his room, mumbling to himself.

“Come here, Drew.” JD turns to look at him.

“No. No. No. No. No. No.” Drew mutters over and over again, pacing getting faster and faster.

“Drew, please.” JD holds out his hand to him.

Drew’s hands rake through his hair, pulling at the strands. “He can’t be gone. He can’t leave me.”

JD gets up and stands in front of Drew, letting him run into him. He pulls Drew’s hands away from his hair, holding onto his wrists. “Drew, hey. I’m here. Look at me.”

Drew shakes his head, trying to twist out of JD’s grip. “He can’t leave me. He promised he’d never leave me!”

JD holds on to him, walking them back over to the bed and pulling Drew down with him. “I know. I know. Shh.”

Drew looks up at JD, tears filling his eyes. “Why’d he leave me?”

JD doesn’t have an answer to that, so he pulls Drew to his chest, hugging him as tight as he can.

Neither of them get any more sleep that night.

-----------------

Dear JD,

I’m sorry.

For a lot of thing, but mostly, for leaving.

I think you understand the best though. So thank you for that. Thank you for taking care of Drew. He’ll need you now more than ever. Even if he thinks he doesn’t.

I’m glad I had you as a big brother. You were the best. You are the best. You are my biggest protector, my greatest supporter, and my biggest fan. I cannot ever thank you for all the things you’ve done for me. I cannot begin to tell you how much I’ve appreciated you throughout all the years.

The time we spent together wasn’t long enough, but we did great things with the time we had and I’m glad you were by my side. You’ve taught me so much about life and I will never forget that.

If I could do it all over again with you, I would. You’ve been there for me through everything and, even when we had our differences, I knew you had my back. You still do.

So thank you for everything.

I love you.

-Jonathan Silver

---------------

Dear Drew,

Your letter is probably the hardest to write. Since the very first day, you’ve been there. I think that’s the best thing about being a twin. There’s always someone in the world who understands you more than anyone else, even when you feel like there’s no one. Even in the womb, our hearts beat in sync and that’s amazing. They’ve never stopped.

I’m sorry.

I can’t say that enough to you. I know this will be hard. Even imagining myself in your shoes, me without you, was too hard. It hurt too much. I tried to picture me without you, but I can’t.

We’ve done so much in our lives. I’m so proud of you - of us, our accomplishments. Your accomplishments. I know you’ll do great things later on too and I’ll be proud of that too.

I know this will hurt, but please, don’t grieve forever. Don’t let this rule your life. Move on, be happy. I know it might seem impossible now, but one day, you’ll be happy again.

Be there for JD. You two have to stick together. You’re all the other has now.

Take care of Mom and Dad. I know you will. Don’t let them mourn forever either.

I love you. I always will. I’m always with you, right?

Always,
Jonathan Silver

-----------------

September 25th, 2015

The next few days pass in a blur of misery and pain for Drew. Funeral preparations are made while he mostly sits in Jonathan’s bedroom and sleeps in Jonathan’s pajamas. He reads the letter Jonathan left him over and over again until he knows it by heart. He recites parts of it in his sleep. His parents are worried about him, but they’re busy trying to organize everything for the funeral, so JD stays with him most of the time.

He finds Drew in Jonathan’s bathroom one morning, staring at the razor. His stubble has grown in over the last few days and it makes JD flinch away from him for a moment because he looks exactly like Jonathan with his hair unstyled and grown out a little.

Drew looks at him with dark eyes. “I know. I see him every time I look in the mirror.”

“Drew.” JD reaches out for him.

Drew pulls away, looking back at his reflection. He touches the glass with his fingertips. “It’s his eyes staring back at me. His face in the mirror. He’s all I see. He’s haunting me.”

His hands shake and he drops the razor into the sink. JD’s pretty sure it’s Jonathan’s too, but he doesn’t say anything as he steps over to Drew and picks it up. He sets it on the counter and picks up the can of shave cream and sprays some into his hands, gently spreading it onto Drew’s face. Drew jerks back slightly when he touches him, but he closes his eyes and lets JD shave his face carefully and quickly. When he’s done, he dampens a washcloth in the sink and wipes the remaining shave cream from Drew’s face, pleased that he didn’t nick Drew.

Drew opens his eyes and turns to the mirror, touching his own cheek softly. He shakes his head. “I still see him.”

JD rests a hand on his shoulder, offering as much comfort as he can. He doesn’t know what to say to Drew, doesn’t know how to help him.

Drew sighs and walks out of the bathroom and JD follows him, frowning as Drew just climbs back into bed and pulls the blankets up around him.

“Don’t you want to eat something?” JD asks, knowing Drew hasn’t been eating much, if at all.

“No.” Drew’s voice is muffled by the blankets.

“Drew, you really need to eat.” JD protests.

“I’m not hungry.” Drew grumbles, burrowing deeper in his nest of pillows and blankets that still linger with Jonathan’s scent.

“Come on. Mom and Dad are worried about you.” JD tugs at the blankets.

“Go away.” Drew mutters.

“Not until you get up and come eat something.” JD counters, pulling harder at the blankets.

“Leave me alone, JD!” Drew snaps, voice harsh as he jerks the covers back out of JD’s hands.

JD heaves a sigh and sits down beside the lump that is Drew. “Look, you’re all I got left, okay? So could you please humor me and get up and get something to eat with me?”

“No. Go away.” Drew doesn’t even roll over to look at JD.

“Fine. I’ll come check on you later.” JD gets up and walks out of Jonathan’s room, closing the door behind him.

Drew curls up even more, pressing his face into Jonathan’s pillow, tears escaping his eyes. He turns his head to the side and gasps when the need to breathe gets the better of him and he sits up, drawing his knees to his chest and resting his chin on them.

“Why’d you have to leave me?” He whispers, voice hoarse.

There’s no answer and he sighs, laying back down. He drifts off uneasily.

-----------------

“It’s about time you got here.” A familiar voice scolds him.

Drew blinks his eyes open, squinting in the bright sunshine. “What?”

“You’ve kept me waiting.” Jonathan is leaning over him, smiling.

“Am I dead?” Drew blurts out, sitting up quickly.

“No. Just dreaming.” Jonathan laughs.

“But you’re dead.” Drew frowns at him.

“Yeah. I’m still dead.” Jonathan smiles.

“I miss you.” Drew reaches out for Jonathan.

“I miss you too.” Jonathan sits down next to Drew and Drew finally looks around, realizing where they are. They’re sitting by the lake they used to swim in all the time in the summers as kids.

“Why’d you leave me?” Drew asks, looking over at Jonathan.

“Because I didn’t have a choice. I wasn’t going to make any of you watch me suffer, so I had to go.” Jonathan smiles sadly at him.

“But it hurts so much.” Drew leans into Jonathan, almost afraid of touching him, but he does and Jonathan is warm and solid and alive.

“I’m sorry.” Jonathan wraps an arm around his shoulders.

They sit in silence for a little bit before Jonathan glances at him.

“You gotta stop being so harsh on JD. You two are all each other has, so you need to stick together, okay? He’s only trying to help you the best way he knows how. He’s hurting too.” Jonathan explains.

“I know. It’s hard seeing past my own pain. I feel like I’ve lost half of myself.” Drew sighs.

“Just go easy on him. And try not to worry Mom and Dad so much. They love you and need you.” Jonathan stands up, nudging Drew off of him gently.

“Where are you going?” Drew asks, panicking.

“It’s time for me to go. Don’t worry. I’ll be back.” Jonathan smiles down at him.

-----------------

September 26th, 2015

Drew jerks awake, looking around for Jonathan for a moment before he remembers. He feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest all over again, especially when he remembers what today holds for him. The funeral.

JD comes in and leans against the door. “You gonna snap at me some more or are you going to get up and get ready?”

Drew sighs and runs a hand down his face. “I’m sorry.”

JD softens. “Are you sure you still want to give the eulogy?”

Drew nods slowly. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” JD uncrosses his arms and pushes off from the door. “I’m gonna get dressed. Let me know if you need anything.”

Drew nods and slips out of Jonathan’s bed as JD leaves. He briefly considers wearing one of Jonathan’s suits, but decides that wouldn’t be fair to the people in attendance. He heads to his own room and gets dressed, ignoring the way his hands shake as he tries to knot his tie.

JD knocks on his door and peeks in. “You okay?”

Drew turns to him in frustration and gestures at his tie, hands still shaking. “I can’t….”

“It’s okay.” JD walks over to him and deftly knots the tie for him, straightening it out.

“Thanks.” Drew mumbles.

JD squeezes his shoulder before gently leading him out of the room. “Mom and Dad are ready. It’s time to go.”

Drew takes a deep breath and nods. He can do this.

For Jonathan, he can do this.

-----------------

Drew stands at the podium, staring out over the crowd of people that showed up for the funeral. He’s supposed to give a speech, a eulogy, for Jonathan, but his throat aches and his chest is tight and he doesn’t know if he can speak. He looks down at the little memorial pamphlet someone handed him, the poem on the front blurring from his tears.

The first few lines stand out to him though from what he can read of it through the tears.

If tears could build a stairway and memories were a lane,
We’d walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again

He looks up again and finds the crowd staring back at him, waiting.

“For thirty seven years, I had Jonathan. He was my brother, but more than that, he was my twin. We’re identical twins, born four minutes apart. I was a surprise because we didn’t have ultrasounds then and our heartbeats were always in sync. That’s how we spent our lives together - always in sync with one another. As a twin, you get tired of certain things like people asking you if you feel it if the other one is hurt, can you finish each other’s sentences, or do you share a brain. It’s not that simple. It’s a lot more complicated. I couldn’t feel it when he was hurt. We could finish each other’s sentences and often one of us would say something and the other would say “I was just thinking that!” Or we’d say something in unison. We’d dream the same dreams sometimes. I knew when he was upset or scared or angry or happy just by looking at him.” Drew looks down at the podium and blinks away the tears clinging to his eyelashes.

He takes another breath. “For thirty seven years, I was never alone. Sure, we spent time apart. Summers in different places, even schools in different places when we were in college. But for the majority of the time, he was there. Always. He knew how to make me laugh when no one else could. He could get me to smile when I didn’t want to at all. He was always there, even when I thought I didn’t need him.”

He swallows and takes a minute to wipe his face. “When you’re a twin, you’re never alone. Even when you want to be alone, you never truly are. There’s always someone out in the world who understands you better than anyone else because they are your literal other half. I know all of you feel his loss and it hurts you and I’m not taking away from that. But when you lose your twin, it’s like losing half of yourself. I feel like I’m missing something vital and I’ll never get it back. And I am. I’m missing him. My other half.”

Drew leans away from the microphone and closes his eyes for a moment, trying to control himself. JD’s hand squeezes his shoulder and he looks over at him and smiles weakly.

“Jonathan has been my best friend, my teacher, my biggest fan, my protector, my guide, my strength, and my brother for thirty seven years. I never really understood the meaning of the word ‘alone’ until the day I lost him. I never dreamed I would have to live in a world where he isn’t there. I will never hear his voice again. I will never feel his touch again. What it means to lose him, no one will ever truly understand.” Drew tightens his grip on the podium.

“But Jonathan wouldn’t want us to mourn for the rest of our lives. He would want us to remember the happy times we had with him and move on with our lives. He wouldn’t want us to dwell and linger over him. He was always doing whatever he could to make other people smile and laugh. He always wanted to brighten people’s days, even if it was in the smallest of ways like bringing me my favorite coffee in the morning without me having to ask. Or doing a magic trick for the look of awe in someone’s eyes. So no, he wouldn’t want us to mourn forever. He’ll live on in our smiles and our laughter, the love we have in our hearts for him and for each other.

Thank you so much for coming out. It means a lot to me and my family. We really appreciate your support. Thank you.” Drew steps away from the podium, JD’s hand on his lower back.

“Do you want to see him?” JD asks as Drew stares at the casket, frozen to the spot.

“I don’t know if I can do that.” Drew says quietly.

“It’s okay. Come on. We can just stand here and talk to people when they come up to pay their respects.” JD carefully guides Drew off to the side, by the portrait of Jonathan where their parents are standing now, talking quietly with people as they come up and leave flowers along the top of the casket where it’s closed.

Drew’s feeling numb and his smile feels hollow when he aims it at people when they come up to talk to him. Their eyes dart between his face and Jonathan’s portrait and he knows they’re looking at him and seeing Jonathan in him. He doesn’t blame them. He sees Jonathan’s face every time he looks in the mirror.

He feels like a ghost, like Jonathan’s ghost, with the way people are looking at him. He’s barely aware of their words, of their sympathetic smiles, and their hands squeezing his shoulders. He’s numb and empty and he doesn’t want to turn around and see the casket behind him, even as his parents make their way up to it to say goodbye.

JD appears in front of him, worried blue eyes bloodshot behind his sunglasses. “Do you want to go up there?”

Drew nods slowly and turns around, one hand reaching out for JD’s and gripping it tightly. JD clutches his just as hard. Together, they make their way to the open side of the casket. Drew grips the stem of the rose in his hand, pressed there by his mother. JD’s holding a matching one.

They stop at the edge of the casket and Drew slowly looks down at Jonathan’s face. He looks like he’s sleeping. Like Drew could reach out and shake his shoulder and Jonathan would grumble and squint up at him, demanding to know why he’s waking him up.

“He’s not going to wake up.” Drew whispers. JD flinches next to him.

Drew presses his lips into a hard, thin line and places the rose on Jonathan’s chest, careful not to touch him. He doesn’t want to feel the lack of a heartbeat. They’re not in sync anymore.

JD places his rose next to Drew’s and sighs. “I’m sorry.”

Their father comes up to them. “Are you ready?”

JD turns to Drew and looks at him. “Are you sure you wanna perform this?”

“Yeah. It’s fitting. Do you still want to sing?” Drew asks, not letting go of JD’s hand.

“If you want me to.” JD nods.

Their father guides them both over to the where the keyboard and acoustic guitar are waiting for them. He picks up the microphone.

“JD and Drew have a special memorial performance for you all. Please enjoy it. Thank you.” He hands the mic back to JD and JD takes a seat at the keyboard while Drew sits on the stool next to him, guitar perched on his lap.

They begin to play and Drew empties his mind, just listening to JD’s voice.

“I miss you. Miss you so bad. I don’t forget you. Oh, it’s so sad.”

His fingers feel numb on the strings of his guitar. JD continues singing, fingers dancing over the keys.

“I wish that I could see you again. I know that I can’t. Oh, I hope you can hear me. ‘Cause I remember it clearly. The day you slipped away was the day I found it won’t be the same.”

Drew plays, focused on his guitar. He doesn’t want to think. He barely wants to breathe.

“I’ve had my wake up. Won’t you wake up? I keep asking why.”

Drew’s fingers tremble, but he keeps playing, breath caught in his throat.

“Now you’re gone, there you go. Somewhere I can’t bring you back.”

There’s a lump in his throat and he swallows around it, trying not to choke. He wants to get up and leave, but he won’t do that to JD.

“The day you slipped away was the day I found it won’t be the same.”

He plays the final notes of the song, biting his bottom lip.

“I miss you.” JD’s fingers still on the keys, his head bowed.

There’s a scattering of applause, but most people are in tears by now. Their mother has her face buried in their father’s shoulder and he has tears running down his face as he hugs her close.

Drew carefully puts his guitar down and steps up to JD, resting a hand on his shoulder. JD looks at him and wipes the tears from his cheeks. There’s a few people standing up at the casket, paying their respects before they lower it into the ground.

Someone closes the open section of the casket and starts to lower it into the grave. Drew stands at the edge with JD and his parents. For a moment, he’s gripped with the insane urge to throw himself into the grave with Jonathan. Then they’ll never be separated. JD’s fingers curl around his and squeeze as if sensing his thoughts.

Their parents sprinkle their handfuls of dirt on the casket and Drew flinches at the sound of the dirt hitting the wood. He turns away, tears filling his eyes. It sounds so final, the hollow thuds. He can’t take it anymore. He needs to get out of there before he falls apart in front of everyone.

JD leans over to him. “You okay?”

“I need to get out of here.” Drew mutters through gritted teeth.

“Okay, come on.” JD takes his hand and leads him out of the cemetery, telling his parents that he’ll explain later.

JD herds him into his car and drives away. “Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t want to go to the memorial service.” Drew says, leaning his forehead against the window.

“We don’t have to.” JD says, reaching over and patting his leg.

“He’s really gone, isn’t he?” Drew asks quietly, staring out the window.

JD sighs. “Yeah, he’s really gone.”

There’s a burning in Drew’s eyes and his chest hurts and his throat is tight and he can’t breathe. He gasps, pressing a hand to his mouth, closing his eyes as tears spill over his lashes.

JD looks over at him for a moment. “Do you want me to pull over?”

“N-No. Just go home.” Drew manages to choke out.

JD nods and heads for their house. He has one hand on Drew’s thigh, trying to offer as much comfort as he can while driving. Luckily, it doesn’t take long before they get home.

Drew barely waits for JD to park the car before he’s out of it and heading inside, fumbling with his keys at the door before shoving his way inside. JD follows a little more slowly, locking the door behind him and putting their keys on the hook by the door. He hears a door slamming upstairs and knows instinctively that Drew is in Jonathan’s room and not his own.

JD leans against the door for a moment and closes his eyes. He’ll go to Drew in a minute, but first, he needs to pull himself back together. He feels Jonathan’s absence as an ache in his chest, sharp and painful. Drew really hit the nail on the head when he said that no one would understand what it meant to lose Jonathan to them. Having his parents and Drew lean on him makes him feel useful, like he’s good for something instead of feeling helpless and lost, but even that is taking its toll on him. He’s tired and hurting and he just really misses Jonathan.

Jonathan was always the one that he turned to when he needed someone to lean on. Drew is good at getting things done and solving problems, but Jonathan always knew when he just needed to vent or to be distracted from his problems before going back to face them.

It really hurts to think of Jonathan in the past tense. He heaves a heavy sigh and pushes himself up from the door and heads upstairs. He knows Drew is in Jonathan’s bedroom and he knocks on the door to let Drew know he’s coming in.

Drew’s curled up on Jonathan’s bed, hugging a pillow to his chest. He’s staring blankly at the wall, but JD can tell he’s been crying. His eyes are red and swollen. He doesn’t look up when JD walks into the room.

JD doesn’t say anything. He just takes off his shoes and crawls into bed behind Drew. The sheets still smell like Jonathan and JD has to fight back a fresh wave of tears as he drapes his arm around Drew’s waist. Drew lets out a strangled gasp and buries his face in the pillow, letting it muffle his sobs. JD holds him tighter, even as his own tears fall down his face.

He doesn’t remember falling asleep, but they do, curled together on Jonathan’s bed, tears staining their cheeks.

----------------

When he gets up again, JD finds Drew sitting outside, slacks rolled up to his knees, bare feet in the pool. Stewie and Gracie are in his lap, looking as miserable as Drew himself looks. JD kicks off his boots, toes off his socks and rolls his jeans up, sitting down beside Drew. Gracie moves over enough to lay her head on his thigh and he strokes her ears gently.

Drew doesn’t look at him, but he does start talking. “I didn’t think anything could ever hurt this much. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. It hurts to talk. It hurts to move. Everything hurts.”

JD reaches out and rests his hand on Drew’s shoulder. He has to blink away tears because this isn’t about him right now. This is about Drew and letting him grieve.

Drew takes a shaky breath and continues. “It doesn’t seem real, you know? Like it’s all some stupid joke that he thought up and he’s gonna walk in the door and yell “Surprise!” and laugh because he really got me this time. But he’s not, is he?”

JD doesn’t answer, can’t answer. The words are stuck in his throat and there are tears stinging his eyes. He’s aching over Jonathan too, but watching Drew completely withdraw and break down on his own has been just as painful.

“I keep thinking of things I want to say to him and, when I look around for him, he’s not there. And I wonder where he is for a moment before realizing that he’ll never be there again. The worst thing though is when I catch a glimpse of my own reflection somewhere out of the corner of my eye and I think he’s there and I turn and look and he’s not.” Drew’s voice is soft, softer than JD’s ever heard it.

JD squeezes Drew’s shoulder and leans against him, Gracie licking his other hand. Stewie whines up at Drew, sensing his sadness and softly butts his head against Drew’s chest. Drew strokes a hand down Stewie’s back absently, eyes glassy and unfocused.

“You lied to me.” Drew says suddenly, glancing at JD before looking back at the water.

“What?” JD finally manages to ask.

“Remember when I went through that phase where I asked everyone about Death and stuff? What happens when we die? And I asked you what happens to twins when they die? And you told me that twins always die together because you knew that we hated to be separated?” Drew asks.

JD swallows before nodding. He remembers a tiny Drew staring up at him with big green eyes, demanding answers from his big brother even though JD didn’t really know what to tell him, but he thought his answer, that twins always die together because God doesn’t want them to be without each other, was good enough. And Drew had looked up at him, studying him for a moment before throwing his little arms around JD’s middle and hugging him tightly before running off, calling Jonathan’s name.

“Thank you. Even if it wasn’t true.” Drew says with a sigh.

JD nods, tears finally slipping down his face as he remembers the look of delight Drew had given him when he realized that not even Death could separate him from Jonathan because if JD said so, then it must be true because JD was older and bigger and knew more about these things than they did. At least that’s what JD overheard Drew telling Jonathan later on. Jonathan had nodded as if it made sense and laughed when Drew hugged him tightly.

Gracie whimpers, finally climbing into JD’s lap and looking up at him in concern. He looks down at her, tears dripping down his face and onto her fur as he struggles to control his breathing. Drew keeps staring blankly at the calm surface of the water, the sun casting golden rays over it.

“I feel like I had the most important parts of me ripped out and I am not sure how to deal with it. I don’t know how to process it. It just doesn’t work. Life without him doesn’t work.” Drew mutters, closing his eyes.

“Drew…” JD trails off, not knowing what to say.

“See, you can’t even tell me it’ll feel better because it won’t. I feel wrong without him. Like there’s some vital piece of me missing and I’ll never get it back. He’s my twin. My literal other half and he’s just gone. He left me here and I can’t follow him and it’s not fair because we promised that we wouldn’t leave each other behind. He promised he’d never leave me. It’s not fair, JD. Why’d he have to leave me?” Drew’s voice is choked with tears, but none fall from his eyes.

JD can’t think of anything else to do, so he pulls Drew into his arms like he used to do when they were kids and rocks him back and forth, depositing Gracie back into Drew’s lap. Drew doesn’t cry, but he lets JD hold him, offering him what little comfort he can.

“I know you’re hurting too. I don’t mean to dump this all on you.” Drew says, making to sit up and pull away from JD after a few moments. JD just tightens his grip on him until he settles back down.

“Yeah, it hurts and I miss him and I want him back, but I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.” JD murmurs, one hand cupping the back of Drew’s head and the other one curling around his waist.

Drew gasps, twisting to press his face against JD’s shoulder. “I want him back!”

“I know, I know.” JD sooths, rocking Drew back and forth.

Drew clings to JD and it’s like the dam has broken inside of him. He starts crying, heaving, gasping sobs that nearly make him choke. JD rubs his back and lets him get it all out, his own tears slipping down his face. Drew’s pain amplifies his own, but he’s willing to do this, letting Drew soak his shirt. Drew cries harder than JD can ever remember him crying. This time, there’s no Jonathan around to wrap his arms around Drew and whisper in his ear and calm him down.

Jonathan is so good at taking care of them, JD muses. Even him sometimes. Jonathan likes to be needed, likes to have someone to take care of, no matter who it is. Then JD catches himself. Jonathan isn’t here anymore. JD feels like screaming. He wants Jonathan back. Drew needs him back.

Drew gasps, pulling away from JD, sitting back slightly, and wiping at his face. His eyes are bloodshot and his face is red. JD lets him move, lowering his arms and giving him the space he needs.

Drew looks at JD and reaches out, wiping away some of JD’s tears. “Tell me how I’m supposed to live without him. Please. Because I don’t know how.”

JD stares back at Drew and all he sees is a sad, scared little boy looking to his big brother for reassurance and guidance and JD doesn’t know what to say to him, doesn’t know if there’s anything he can say to help. He cups a hand around the back of Drew’s neck and presses their foreheads together. “I don’t know. I don’t know how either, but Drew, we have to. We have to live and go on and not drown ourselves in the misery because that’s not what he would have wanted. We still have mom and dad and Linda and everyone else. I know it hurts. God, do I know it hurts. It will always hurt, I’m not going to lie to you. But one day, you’ll be able to look in the mirror again. One day, you’ll be able to say his name and not want to cry. One day, you’ll see something that reminds you of him and you’ll smile. It might take a long time, but it’ll happen.”

Drew’s eyes blur with tears again. “It hurts so much. It’s like there’s a hole in my chest where my heart used to be and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“I don’t either. But you can’t give up, Drew. You know he would have wanted you to keep on going, finishing your projects and looking after the family and moving on. He wouldn’t want you to mourn him forever. I know you will for now because it’s still so fresh, but one day, you’ll be able to let all the heartache go and his name will make you smile again.”

Drew shakes his head, face screwing up again as he tries to hold back an onslaught of tears. He presses his forehead even harder against JD’s. “No, it won’t. It’ll always hurt. Because it’s not fair. He promised he’d never leave me and go where I couldn’t follow. He promised! JD, he promised. He never broke a promise to me before. Why’d he break this one?” Drew asks and he sounds so broken and miserable that JD wraps his arms around him again.

“You know if he had any other choice in the world, any other choice, he would have made it. He would never have chosen to break this promise to you. I know you’re angry at him now and that’s okay, but just know that it’s not what he wanted either. He loves you so much.” JD takes a shaky breath.

--------------

September 28th, 2015

“Did you know that fifty percent of twinless twins die within the first two years of living without their twin?” Drew asks, voice monotone and flat.

JD blinks at him, not fully awake, and tries to make sense of his words. “What?”

“That’s what I am now. A twinless twin.” Drew looks at JD, eyes dark and blank in ways that scare the hell out of JD.

JD scrubs a hand down his face and sighs. He doesn’t know what to say to Drew. He doesn’t know what to do. He misses Jonathan so much that it feels like his world is collapsing around him every time he wakes up in the morning and remembers that Jonathan isn’t there. He can’t imagine what it’s like for Drew when it’s this bad for him.

Drew looks like he hasn’t slept in days and JD suspects that he hasn’t. He knows Drew hasn’t been eating either. He hardly speaks to anyone who isn’t JD, not even their parents. JD steps over to the counter and pours himself a cup of coffee before turning around and looking at Drew again, flinching when he realizes those dark eyes are still fixed on him.

“Drew…” JD comes over to the table and sits down across from Drew.

Drew stares at him, face unreadable. “I haven’t been sleeping because I dream about him. I see him and everything is okay again. Then I wake up and he’s gone and I can’t breathe for a moment because I realize that he isn’t here and it was all a dream. I can’t decide if I never want to sleep again or if I never want to wake up.”

JD reaches out to Drew, but Drew pulls away, sitting back in his chair. “Tell me how to help you.”

“Give him back to me.” Drew says, staring JD down.

“You know I would without hesitation if I could.” JD looks down into his coffee, unable to take those eyes on him anymore.

“But you can’t. No one can. I just...I feel like I’m missing half of myself. Ever since he’s been gone, it feels like I’m not whole anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever be whole again.” Drew says quietly.

JD’s heart aches and he wishes he knew what to do to make Drew feel better, but he doesn’t even know how to make himself feel better. He doesn’t know how to make the ache in his chest go away. He doesn’t know how to stop thinking about Jonathan and wanting to cry. He can’t do anything about his own misery, much less Drew’s. He can’t even begin to fathom how much more this affects Drew. How much more this hurts Drew and how much more Drew is drowning in the pain of losing Jonathan.

“I know it’s not enough, but I’m here for you. For whatever you need. To cry or scream or talk or be quiet. Just...don’t shut down on me, Drew. I lost one of you. I can’t lose both of you. Please.” JD reaches out again and this time, Drew lets him take his hand.

Drew looks up at him, dark eyes filled with tears and JD gets up and kneels down next to Drew’s chair, reaching up and wiping the tears falling down his cheeks. Drew slides down onto the floor next to JD and JD opens his arms, letting Drew curl against him, sobbing hoarsely.

He lets his own tears fall down his face even as he’s pressing kisses to the top of Drew’s head and rocking him back and forth. Drew cries himself out and just lays against JD, limp and tired. JD shifts, nudging Drew to his feet as he climbs to his own.

“Come on, you need some sleep.” JD rubs a hand down Drew’s back.

“I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to see him and then wake up without him. It’s not fair.” Drew protests as JD guides him to his bedroom.

“I know, I know. But you need to sleep. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.” JD soothes him, opening his bedroom door and gently pushing Drew into the room and closing the door behind him.

“JD, please.” Drew turns to face him.

“I’ll be right here with you. Okay? Everything will be okay.” JD lays down in the bed, moving the covers.

Drew frowns, but he gets into bed, hands tangling in JD’s shirt. JD wraps his arms around Drew, pulling him closer.

“Sing to me.” Drew mumbles against JD’s throat after a moment of silence.

“What do you want to hear?” JD asks, somewhat startled by the request.

“I don’t care. Anything.” Drew presses closer to JD.

JD clears his throat. “I could lift you up. I could show you what you wanna see and take you where you wanna be. You could be my luck.”

Drew whimpers and JD feels the warm wetness of his tears soaking the front of his shirt as he continues to sing, but Drew doesn’t ask him to stop, so he doesn’t. When he’s done, he carefully shifts back from Drew a bit and looks down at him.

Drew’s asleep, a frown on his face as he dreams, hands still clutching JD’s shirt as if his life depends on it. JD kisses his forehead and rests his chin on the top of Drew’s head, closing his eyes.

------------------------

September 30th, 2015

Drew stares down at the bottle of prescription sleeping pills. He takes one every night before bed and they put him to sleep, but he doesn’t dream anymore, doesn’t see Jonathan anymore and that’s not okay with him. Without them, he doesn’t sleep at all though and still doesn’t get to see Jonathan. He shakes the almost full bottle, listening to the pills rattling around in it.

He opens it and dumps it out on his desk, counting them. There’s thirty two out of forty. He separates them into four piles of eight pills. He could take them all. Then he’d see Jonathan again. Forever. They’d be together again. He wouldn’t have to live without Jonathan. He wouldn’t have to see the pitying looks that people give him for being the one with the dead twin. He scoffs to himself. They don’t know a thing.

He stares down at the pills. He could take them all. He really sees no downside to this. He gets to be with Jonathan again. That’s all he wants. He uncaps his water bottle and scoops the first pile into his hand. He puts them in his mouth and picks up his water, washing them down. It takes three gulps of water to get them down and it makes his throat hurt.

He finishes the water bottle with the pills, washing them all down. His throat hurts, but it gets easier every time, with every pile. He waits for the pills to kick in, to drag him under. There’s a blank pad of paper next to his arm on the desk and he picks up his pen, pulling it toward him.

I just want to see him again.

They’ll understand what that means. He pushes the notepad away from him and slumps over on the desk, tears filling his eyes. A sob catches in his throat and he curls in on himself, gasping. He doesn’t know how long he sits there, but the pills are starting to work. He’s feeling sluggish and his vision is blurring from more than just the tears.

Distantly, he hears JD calling his name, but he sounds so far away. Drew struggles to push himself to his feet, feeling dizzy. He leans heavily against his desk. His door opens and JD’s there and Drew looks up at him, confused.

“Drew? You okay?” JD asks, noticing the weird look on Drew’s face.

“JD…...I’m sorry.” Drew slurs out before collapsing at JD’s feet.

“Drew? Drew? What the fuck?” JD kneels down and rolls Drew over onto his back, tapping his cheek lightly.

“Drew, come on. Wake up! Don’t do this to me!” JD presses two fingers to Drew’s neck, searching for his pulse. It thuds against his fingers, but it’s thready and weak. JD curses under his breath and pulls out his phone, dialing 911.

“911, what’s your emergency?” A calm voice answers.

“It’s my brother. He just collapsed and I can barely feel his pulse.” JD tries to calm down, eyes scanning the room for any hint as to what’s wrong with Drew.

“Has he been drinking or doing any drugs, sir?” The voice asks.

JD’s eyes land on the empty bottle of sleeping pills. “I think he overdosed on his sleeping pills.”

“Can you tell me what they are?” The voice still sounds calm in his ear.

“Trazodone. A hundred milligrams. He took around thirty of them.” JD chokes out, dropping the bottle back on the desk.

“Okay, sir. What’s your address?” The voice soothes him.

JD rattles off his address, barely aware of the words leaving his mouth as he stares at the piece of paper on Drew’s desk and then down at Drew.

“Okay, sir. I have paramedics on the way. Just stay calm and stay on the phone with me until they get here.” JD jerks at the voice, snapping himself out of it.

The rest of the night passes in a blur, the paramedics arrive and load Drew onto the stretcher and into the ambulance. JD follows, sitting in the ambulance, trying to keep out of the way of the medics working on Drew. At the hospital, there’s forms to fill out while Drew is rushed away.

Words like “suicide watch” and “psychiatric ward” are tossed around until JD manages to convince the nurses that it was an accidental overdose and that Drew isn’t suicidal. They give him skeptical looks and call in the the doctor as soon as he’s finished treating Drew.

“Mr. Scott, you are aware of the dangers posed to your brother if he doesn’t have the proper care, aren’t you?” The doctor asks, frowning at JD.

“He’s not suicidal.” JD remains firm.

“I can have him placed under a seventy-two hour watch.” The doctor folds his arms across his chest.

“Look, I know you’re concerned, but I promise he’s not suicidal and he’s not going home alone. I’m going to be with him and I’ve already called our parents, so please, I don’t think locking him up will help.” JD tries to keep his voice calm and steady.

The doctor stares him down. “If he ends up in here again, I will not hesitate to put him under suicide watch.”

“Understood. How is he?” JD asks, relaxing a tiny bit.

“We’ve pumped his stomach and he’s resting now. You can go see him if you like, though he’s not conscious.” The doctor nods.

“Thank you.” JD returns the nods.

“I hope you know what you’re doing.” The doctor takes the chart a nurse is handing him and lets JD go down the hall to Drew’s room, directed by a nurse.

Drew’s laying on the bed, looking peaceful in his sedated sleep. JD sinks down into a chair by his bed and sighs. Their parents are in Canada and won’t make it down for at least a day, but he had assured them that he had everything under control.

He pulls out the paper from Drew’s desk from his pocket and smoothes it out on his leg.

I just want to see him again.

Drew’s words burn into his brain. He clenches his fist and looks up at Drew.

“How fucking dare you. How fucking dare you be this selfish, Drew.” JD grits his teeth.

Drew doesn’t stir.

“You think I don’t miss him too? You think it’s okay to do this to me? Leave me behind by myself? How could you do that to me? Isn’t it enough that I lost Jonathan? I can’t lose you too, Drew. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you too.” JD clenches his fists in the blanket covering Drew.

Drew doesn’t make a sound.

“I can’t believe you would do this to me. I know you miss him. I miss him too. So fucking much. I lost him too. I refuse to lose you too. And to try and take yourself away from me is so selfish of you, Drew.” JD takes a deep breath, letting his tears fall.

Drew doesn’t wake up.

JD wipes his eyes and settles into the chair, reaching out and holding onto Drew’s limp hand. He takes comfort in the fact that he’s still warm and breathing and alive. That’s all he can do right now.

--------------------

October 1st, 2015

JD groans, shifting in the chair, back aching.

“Good morning.” Drew’s voice is rough but clear. There’s no hint of the slur from last night.

JD blinks at Drew before glaring at him. “I am so fucking furious with you.”

Drew nods. “I know.”

A nurse comes in and interrupts whatever JD’s going to say and takes Drew’s vitals and asking him a few questions and lets him know that the doctor will be in a few minutes to check on him.

“I just wanted to see him again.” Drew mumbles from the bed, looking at JD.

JD stares at him, struggling to hold on to his anger. “I lost him. I don’t want to lose you too.”

Drew looks away from him. The doctor walks in, smiling, and flips through Drew’s chart. It’s not the same one from last night, so he doesn’t ask much about the overdose, which has been marked accidental on Drew’s chart.

“Everything looks good. How do you feel, Mr. Scott?” The doctor asks, looking up at Drew.

“Got a headache. Other than that, I’m fine.” Drew flashes a small smile.

“Well, I’m inclined to let you go today, if you’ve got someone to take you home.” He glances at JD.

“I’ll be taking him home.” JD nods.

“Good. You can come with me to the Nurses’ Station and see about those release papers.” The doctor smiles at JD and leads the way out of Drew’s room.

JD deals with the paperwork and the waiting and doesn’t say much to Drew. When Drew’s finally released, JD drives him home. The ride is silent and tense. Drew stares out the window and JD clutches the steering wheel so hard, his knuckles are white.

“I’m sorry.” Drew finally says when JD pulls the car into the driveway.

JD turns the car off. He stares at the garage door, trying to collect his thoughts. He’s angry and hurt and upset and he doesn’t really know what to say to Drew, except to yell at him some more about being selfish.

“I just wanted-” Drew starts.

“To see him again, yeah, I got that the first time.” JD gets out of the car, slamming the door behind him. He stalks up to the front door, fumbling with his keys and jamming them into the door knob. He leaves the door open for Drew, even though he really wants to slam it too.

Drew follows after him, closing the front door and hanging JD’s keys up on the hook. He walks into the kitchen where JD is sitting at the island, elbows propped up on the counter, face buried in his hands.

Drew sits down next to him. “Can we talk?”

“Do you understand how selfish you were last night?” JD asks in a low, tight voice as he lowers his hands and stares at Drew.

“You don’t understand how much it hurts to be without him, JD. You miss him and you’re hurting too, but it’s nothing compared to how I feel! You lost a brother, I lost my other half!” Drew shoves himself up from the island and paces around the kitchen.

JD takes a breath. “I love him too. This isn’t any easier on me than it is on you, Drew. I miss him every day. I will never stop missing him. But don’t make me miss you too. It’s not fair to me. You can’t leave me here without both of you. I don’t know what I’d do.”

Drew leans over the sink, staring down at the drain, taking shallow, quick breaths. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t really thinking about you and that I was leaving you here alone. I just miss him so much.”

JD sighs. “I know. I do too.”

Drew turns around to look at JD. “I really am sorry.”

“Are you okay? I don’t want this to happen again, but you have to talk to me, Drew.” JD folds his hands on the counter.

“I know. It’s just hard.” Drew scrubs a hand down his face.

“You’re all I’ve got. We’ve got to stick together, okay?” JD manages a weak smile at Drew.

“I know. I didn’t really want to die. I just wanted to see him again. And I see him in my dreams, so that was how I was going to see him again. Just sleeping forever.” Drew looks away from JD.

JD gets up and walks over to Drew, wrapping his arms around him, letting Drew lean against him. Drew shakes against him, tucking his face against JD’s neck. JD runs a hand up and down Drew’s back, the other hand cupping the back of his head. “I’m so sorry.”

“Shh. We’ll be okay. I’m here for you. We’ll get through this.” JD whispers, tightening his arms around Drew.

----------------

October 5th, 2015

JD walks down the path to Jonathan’s grave, smiling when he sees the newly installed headstone. There are little trinkets and flowers and candles left on the grave as tokens from fans and friends alike.

JD clears a space for himself to sit and he drops down on the ground, leaning back against the headstone. “Hey, Jonathan.”

There’s no response, but JD would be more concerned if there was one.

“I meant to get out here sooner, but things have been kind of crazy. Drew’s not been handling this well. He overdosed on sleeping pills. He’s fine now, but he just kept saying he wanted to see you again, so you can imagine how that was.” JD shakes his head.

“Mom and Dad are doing as best they can. But you know parents should never have to bury their children. It’s cruel. I’m not blaming you though. But you know how it is.” JD stretches his legs out in front of him.

“I don’t think Drew will come visit. I think this is too hard on him, at least right now. It’s too fresh. But I wanted to come because I needed to get away for a little bit and who better to visit than you?” JD smiles, looking out over the other headstones.

“It’s hard, sometimes too hard. I don’t always know what to say to Drew. You were better. Obviously, you’re his twin, of course you knew better. He’s so shut off and distant. He doesn’t eat and he’s not sleeping well, if at all. Says he dreams about you and he doesn’t know if he wants to sleep forever or never again. Most days, I just want to sleep forever. But I made promises and I intend to keep them.” JD pulls out some grass from the ground, letting it get carried away in the breeze.

“I miss you.” JD whispers.

He sits there for a while longer, letting the sunlight cast its glow on him until it starts sinking down below the horizon. JD gets to his feet and turns around, looking at Jonathan’s headstone. “I’ll come back soon.”

He kisses his fingertips and presses them to Jonathan’s name, tracing over the letters lovingly before walking away.

---------------------

November 17th, 2015

JD leans against Jonathan’s headstone, the ground too damp with morning dew and water from the sprinklers for him to sit down. It’s early, almost too early, but JD couldn’t sleep and he knew where to go for that.

“Hey.” He says quietly, watching a girl a few rows away from him kneel down in front of a gravestone.

“Drew’s doing a tiny bit better since the last time we talked. He’s eating and sleeping at least. And he’s opened up a little to me. Still sort of distant, but we’re working on it.” JD keeps his voice soft.

“At least he doesn’t think you’re haunting him anymore. Or if he does, he’s handling it better than he was in the beginning.” JD watches the girl stand up and wipe her eyes, smiling down at the gravestone before she turns and walks away.

He checks his watch. “Sorry to cut this short, but I’d better go before Drew gets up and freaks out when I’m not there. He’s very attached lately. Can’t say I blame him.”

JD walks around to the front of the stone and kisses his fingertips, pressing them against Jonathan’s name before he leaves.

-------------------

December 20th, 2015

“Merry Christmas.” JD says as he stands in front of Jonathan’s headstone.

“It’s gonna be weird without you there.” JD admits, tucking his hands in his jacket pockets, trying not to shiver.

“I think it’ll be hardest on Drew. I know how much you two loved Christmas and spending time with the family. It’s just gonna be really hard without you.” JD sniffs.

Distantly, JD can hear someone playing Carol Of The Bells and he hums along for a moment. “Mom and Dad are putting on a brave face, but it’s still easy to see how much they miss you and how much this Christmas isn’t going to be the same without you for any of us.”

A sharp, cold wind blows through the cemetery. JD shivers, tugging his jacket around him. “I know, I know. Take care of them. Especially Drew. He’s doing better. Bit by bit. Day by day. But it’s still rough on him. I know it is. I think it’ll always be rough on him, but he’s getting better at handling it. He’s not shutting me out so much anymore. He’s letting him help him and I’m pretty grateful for that. I almost lost him once and I don’t want to repeat that. I lost you. I can’t lose him too, Jonathan.” JD wipes away the tears on his cheeks.

“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him too. But I didn’t come here to get all mopey on you. It’s Christmas after all. I still have a few things to pick up for the house, but that’s about it. The tree is up and the house is decorated and it’s all beautiful as it is every year. I wish you were here to see it.” JD sniffles.

“Merry Christmas, Jonathan.” JD kisses his fingertips and presses them to Jonathan’s name before turning and walking out of the cemetery.

----------------------

January 7th, 2016

“Happy New Year.” JD clears a spot in front of Jonathan’s headstone, moving the trinkets that keep piling up, so he can sit down.

JD makes himself comfortable. “So far, 2016 is shaping up to be quite the year. Had an excellent New Year’s party. Got trashed. It was good.”

“Still missed you and your stupid ‘haven’t seen you since last year’ jokes. I always will. Even if they are dumb and not funny at all.” JD smirks.

He sighs, crossing one ankle over the other. “I’ve asked Drew to come with me a few times, but he doesn’t want to. He shuts down when I ask. So I’ve stopped asking. I don’t want to push him. I’ve wondered if he still dreams about you, but I haven’t asked. He’s very touchy when someone mentions you, so most people won’t mention even your name around him anymore. I don’t blame them.”

“I wish I knew what to do to make it easier on him. I suppose there really isn’t anything anyone can do. Besides you, but you’re a little bit unavailable right now, so I don’t think you’re gonna be much help. I just hate seeing him hurt so much. Not that I don’t hurt, but it’s wearing him down. He’s getting better at hiding it from Mom and Dad, but I can still see it.” JD folds his arms across his chest.

“So if you wanna give me a sign, now would be a good time.” JD tips his head back and looks up at the sky for a few minutes.

“Yeah, didn’t think so.” He stands up and brushes his pants off.

He kisses his fingertips and presses them to Jonathan’s name before leaving.

-----------------------

February 16th, 2016

JD drops down in front of Jonathan’s headstone, a box of chocolates in his lap. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

He opens the box and picks out a chocolate, munching on it. “I’m only into this holiday for the candy.”

He eats another candy. “There’s not much to say, really. Life has been busy with work and all that jazz. I just wanted a break and some peace and quiet. So I decided to come see you since you’re the quietest person I know these days. How’s that for some morbid humor?”

He chuckles. “Drew doesn’t think it’s funny, but the alternative is crying and I don’t want to cry over you anymore. I don’t think you’d want me too either, so morbid humor is all I got left. Laugh or cry. I think laughing is better.”

He eats a few more pieces of chocolate before closing the lid and laying the box off to his side. “He’s been working so much lately. I’m worried about him. Worried that he’s going to work himself to death. He’s losing weight too. I don’t think he’s eating right either. And he goes to the gym all the time. He doesn’t talk to me much either. I’ve tried to get him to open up, but he just says there’s nothing wrong and he’s just busy. I don’t buy it.”

He picks up the box of chocolates and stands up. “I’ll keep working on him. I made you a promise and I don’t break my promises. Big Brother Code and all.”

He smiles down at Jonathan’s headstone. “I’ll be back.”

He kisses his fingertips and presses them to Jonathan’s name before leaving.

-----------------------

March 22nd, 2016

“Hey.” JD stops in front of Jonathan’s grave and yawns.

“Sorry. Haven’t been sleeping well.” He sits down, leaning against Jonathan’s headstone.

The sunshine is warm and there’s a nice breeze blowing. JD closes his eyes. “It’s just the usual stress, you know. Insomnia sucks.”

He’s silent for a while, just listening to the low murmur of voices nearby and the rustle of the wind through the grass.

“I don’t have a lot to say. Not today. Not in a talkative mood.” He sighs.

It’s actually pretty peaceful to be out here by himself. He’s stopped asking Drew if he’ll come out here with him. He knows his parents visit, but he doesn’t know how often and they don’t talk about it. He actually really enjoys coming out here to talk to Jonathan. He knows he could talk to Jonathan from anywhere, but he likes having a place to come and sit and talk. It makes him feel like Jonathan is really listening to him, wherever he is.

“Drew’s getting better. A little. He eats right and sleeps at least. I don’t think he’ll ever smile without a trace of sadness though.” JD says contemplatively.

He shifts on the ground, getting a little more comfortable. “As for me, well, some days I miss you so much, I can hardly breathe. But it’s not every day and I think that says something, right? The little victories, I guess.”

“Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if you were still here, but I know that’s not a road I really want to go down because there’s only heartache and misery at the end of it. But when it’s late at night and I can’t sleep, that’s when I can’t help but wonder a little bit. Wonder if Drew would smile and mean it. Wonder if Mom and Dad would look less worn out. Wonder if I could sleep better. Just wondering what if you were here. But you’re not here and these are our realities and we have to live with them as best we can.” JD pushes himself to his feet.

He brushes the tears from his eyes and kisses his fingertips, pressing them to Jonathan’s name.

“Sorry to run. It just hurts too much today.”

------------------------

April 26th, 2016

It’s their thirty-eighth birthday. Drew doesn’t want to get out of bed. He doesn’t want to celebrate their birthday. Yes, their birthday. It will always be their birthday to him. He doesn’t want to be told ‘Happy Birthday’ by anyone. He doesn’t want gifts or cake or balloons or anything. He wants to stay in bed, alone, for the whole day and pretend that it’s not their birthday because he’s never celebrated their birthday on his own before.

He gets up though because he doesn’t want to worry his parents or JD and gets dressed. He goes downstairs and smiles at his parents as they wish him happy birthday. They don’t say Jonathan’s name. No one really does around him anymore. He doesn’t know how he feels about this.

A box from their favorite bakery is on the table already. They have a standing order every year since they discovered it. JD grins at him and asks if he wants cake for breakfast. He shrugs and sits down. They don’t try to sing to him. He reaches out and lifts the lid on the cake box and stares down at the words written in purple icing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JONATHAN & DREW

His mother gasps in shock beside him and he drops the lid back over it, not wanting to look at it anymore.

“I’m so sorry, Drew. With everything that’s been going on, we didn’t think to call the bakery.” His mother rests a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you okay, son?” His father asks.

Drew nods jerkily and gets up from the table. “I have uh things to do. I gotta go.”

His parents and brother watch him leave, fists clenched at his sides.

He gets into his car and drives aimlessly, taking random turns and not really caring where he ends up. He gets an idea in his head and smirks to himself. He goes to the grocery store and picks up a cake, getting the baker there to write happy birthday on it and then gets back in his car and drives to the cemetery where Jonathan is. He stops at the gates and waits impatiently.

The wrought iron gates slide open soundlessly and Drew hesitates for a moment before driving inside and parking. He picks up the cake box, wishes he had thought to grab a plastic fork and heads down the path to Jonathan’s headstone. He smiles weakly when he sees the candles and letters and little trinkets people have left around the headstone. He clears some of them away, moving them to the other side to make room for himself.

He steps back in front of it and reads the inscription.

In Loving Memory Of
Jonathan Silver Scott
Sunrise: 28 April 1978
Sunset: 22 September 2015
Beloved Son, Brother, Twin, Friend
We never lose the ones we love,
For love itself lives on
And the joy we knew together
Is never, ever gone

“Sorry I haven’t been here in a while.” Drew kneels down in front of the headstone and brushes the tips of his fingers over Jonathan’s name. “It’s been hard. Too hard.”

He sits with his back to the headstone, leaning on it and stretching his legs out in front of him, putting the cake box in his lap. “Happy birthday.”

He’s quiet for a moment, staring down at the cake. “I miss you so much, Jonathan. More than I ever thought I could miss anyone. I’ve struggled with your absence because I don’t know how to be just Drew. We were always Jonathan and Drew, Drew and Jonathan. Sure, we’re our own person, but we’re so much more than that. Two halves of a whole. Twins. I lost a huge part of myself when I lost you. I didn’t know how to exist in a world where you weren’t here with me.”

Tears blur his vision and drip down on the plastic lid of the cake box. “This is our first birthday where you’re not here. The bakery we like sent the cake and it still had your name on it. No one thought to change the order. No one really says your name around me anymore. I don’t know if I want them to or not. Some days, it’s all I can do to get out of bed when I wake up and remember that you’re gone. Others are easier. Mostly, I just miss you and think about you. I’ll hear a joke and think that I have to remember it to tell you. Or I’ll find a new sushi place and want to bring you there. Or I’ll find something in a store that you’d like and want to buy it for you and it takes a moment for it to click that you’re not here.”

Drew tips his head back against the stone and sighs. “I dream about you a lot. I think you know that. I think it’s your way of comforting me. I don’t think it’s just my subconscious. We were always closer than that. Dreaming the same dreams. Hearts always in sync. My heart feels like it’s beating out of time now. I look in the mirror and I still see your face looking back at me. Sometimes I think I’m going crazy with how much I miss you and how much this still hurts, even nearly a year later.”

He rubs a hand across his eyes, wiping away tears. “It’s not fair. We were supposed to die together of old age. Peacefully, in our sleep. One twin should never outlive the other. Never. It hurts too much to not have you here with me. I know we’ve spent time apart before, but now I can’t even pick up a phone and call you. I’m so angry at you for breaking your promise and leaving me behind. You went somewhere I can’t follow. Not right now, at least. Although I did try. Just once. When the pain was still so new and overwhelming and I thought I would just die of a broken heart anyway. JD found me. For that, I’ll always be sorry, but he saved my life. I think that broke him a little bit more too. I’ve never seen that look of horror in his eyes and I hope I never do again.”

He sniffs, blinking away more tears. “I didn’t come here to be all miserable. It’s our birthday. We should celebrate. I brought cake. No forks, but that’s okay.” He opens the cake box and drags a finger through the frosting and licks it off.

“I think the only good thing is that there’s more cake for me.” He snickers and pulls off a corner piece and takes a bite of it.

“I thought I’d find you here.” JD’s voice comes from behind him, but Drew doesn’t bother to turn around.

“You know me well.” Drew mumbles around a mouthful of cake.

JD steps around Jonathan’s headstone and looks down at Drew, smiling slightly at the sight of him eating cake with his hands. “Scoot over. I wanna sit on Jonathan too.”

Drew makes room for JD and offers him some cake. JD takes a hunk of it and munches on it, letting silence settle around them for a little while.

“You know, I came here a lot afterwards. Talking to him helps. Even if he doesn’t answer. I still come at least once a month. It might be weird, talking to his headstone pretty much, but it helps.” JD admits quietly.

“What do you talk about?” Drew asks after a moment.

“Everything. Nothing. I catch him up on the family, on me, on you. What we’re doing. Interesting things. Boring things. Just everyday stuff.” JD takes another piece of cake.

“I still dream about him.” Drew confesses.

“Do you?” JD asks, biting into his cake.

“Yeah. A lot. I think it’s really him and not just my subconscious.” Drew glances at JD, gauging his reaction.

“That’s not so unusual. Didn’t you used to have the same dreams?” JD asks, licking frosting from his fingers.

“Yeah. Not all the time, but we would share dreams sometimes.” Drew nods, putting the lid back on the cake and wiping his hands off on the napkins he remembered to grab from his glove box.

“Does it help?” JD asks.

“More than it hurts, these days.” Drew sighs.

“Well, that’s something, at least.” JD gently bumps Drew’s shoulder with his own.

“Does coming here help you?” Drew asks, looking at JD.

“Yeah. I know I could talk to him anywhere, but I like coming here. It’s peaceful and it makes me feel like he’s really listening. Gives me a break from life too.” JD shrugs.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude.” Drew mumbles.

“It’s fine. I wanted you to come with me, but you never wanted to and I didn’t want to push you into something you weren’t comfortable with, especially something like this. But I’m glad you’re here and I’m sure Jonathan is too.” JD nods.

“I’m trying. It’s just hard.” Drew tips his head back against the headstone.

“I know. But we can take it day by day.” JD assures him.

“I wish I could handle this better. I wish it didn’t hurt so much. I wish he was still here. But I don’t think those count as birthday wishes.” Drew huffs out a laugh, a bitter sound.

JD winces. “I never wanted this for you. Either of you.”

“I know. It is what it is.” Drew says quietly.

“And I’m sorry about the cake this morning. I know that was an unpleasant surprise.” JD says sincerely.

“Not your fault.” Drew shakes his head.

“I know, but I can still be sorry about it.” JD rests a hand on Drew’s leg.

“I’m kind of glad in a way. Means that he’s not forgotten. That people won’t forget him and I won’t be the only one left in the world that still remembers what it was like to have him here.” Drew muses.

“You know people won’t forget him. The fans are proof of that at least.” JD chuckles.

“I don’t even post anymore on social media, let alone check the comments or anything. It’s just too hard to see other people missing him too. People that didn’t even know him personally miss him.” Drew pulls a few blades of grass out of the ground.

“I think that speaks to the kind of man he was if people he didn’t know personally miss him.” JD points out.

“I know, but it’s hard sometimes for me to see past my own pain. It’s so easy to let myself get swallowed up in it and let it consume me. I’ll never apologize for missing him or for hurting over him, but I will apologize to you for how I handled it. You didn’t deserve that. So I’m sorry.” Drew turns serious dark green eyes on JD.

“As long as you don’t do it again to me, then we’re okay.” JD gives him a small smile.

“No, I won’t.” Drew shakes his head.

“Good.” JD pats Drew’s leg.

They sit in silence for a little while. It’s a nice day outside and they have more cake to eat. JD smears frosting on Drew’s cheek and Drew shoves a bite of cake into JD’s mouth and they laugh. For once, there’s not a trace of sadness or pain on either of their faces.

They clean up and get to their feet, picking up their trash.

JD turns back to Jonathan’s headstone and kisses his fingertips, pressing them to Jonathan’s name. He gives the stone a small smile.

“Happy birthday.”