Chapter Text
The first inkling Kakashi had that something might be wrong with his kids was when he arrived at the academy 3 hours late to find the pink-haired civilian girl systematically dipping senbon in various liquids that he assumed had to be poison, chatting amicably with the two boys, and the loner-revenger-flight-risk was leaning against Naruto’s legs, head practically in the blond boy’s lap while Naruto deftly braided and unbraided the Uchiha’s hair.
That was…unexpected. Where was the fangirl more focused on Sasuke than ninja arts? How was Naruto sitting so calmly when he was supposed to be all untamable energy? Why the fuck was the traumatized Uchiha so…cuddly and…soft looking, when his file said he was so messed up he might never understand the value of anyone’s life but his own?
And then, when they got around to introductions…
“Haruno Sakura, frontline medic. I like reading and going to the hot springs. I hate zombies—” all three of the kids grimaced “—and when people don’t listen to the doctor and try to escape the hospital via window—”
That feels a little pointed, Kakashi thought, feeling oddly pinned by her wide, sea-glass eyes.
“—and my goals are to surpass Tsunade-shishou and become proficient at weeding.”
Weeding? Kakashi blinked. That’s…weird.
“Uzumaki Naruto, taijutsu specialist and future hokage! I like gardening and making seals! I hate rabbits—” the other two kids nodded along in agreement, as if that was a sensible and not at all bizarre thing to say “—and war. My goals are to become strong enough to protect all my precious people and to take down at least two big terrorist organizations.”
“That’s, ah, very nice,” Kakashi muttered, because he wasn’t sure there was anything else to say.
“Uchiha Sasuke, ninjutsu. I like swords and the dobe—”
“Teme, that’s embarrassing!”
“—and tomatoes. I’m not a big fan of the moon.” As one, the three kids turned their faces up towards the sky, even though it was still daylight and the moon hadn’t risen yet, and scowled. “I also don’t like when people act for the greater good and do not care about all the collateral damage they cause along the way. My goals are to kill a certain man and marry Naruto.”
Naruto had turned bright red, but notably didn’t protest beyond a shouted, “Teme!”
Dear Kami, Kakashi was not getting paid enough for this.
Things did not get any less strange from there.
Convinced that he had experienced some sort of bizarre hallucination the night prior, Kakashi arrived at the training ground for the bell test feeling a bit more ready to deal with his team. They couldn’t possibly have been as weird and unsettling as he’d thought—they were twelve-year-olds. So what if they collectively seemed to hate the moon, rabbits, and zombies? So what if there was something eerie and off about them?
Besides, if they couldn’t pass the bell test, it wouldn’t matter in any case.
They passed. They passed so thoroughly, Kakashi found himself tied up and hanging upside down from a tree with a seal plastered to the back of his neck that cut off his chakra access.
“Do we pass, sensei?” Sakura asked, all bubbly charm, as if she had not nearly impaled him with a doton jutsu not even ten minutes ago.
“Yeah, sensei, do we pass?” Sasuke dangled the bells from the tip of his finger, a smug grin on his face. He was a bastard, Kakashi decided.
Actually, all of them were. Little shit bastards. Feral goblins. Hellspawn. If it wasn’t Sakura literally changing the landscape of the field underneath Kakashi’s feet, it was Sasuke swinging a sword crackling with lightning, both of them subtly herding him towards Naruto’s hundred shadow-clones, all of which were so fast he could barely track them even with the sharingan.
What. The. Fuck.
“Yeah,” Kakashi said, sighing. “You pass. Now let me down.”
“YES!” Naruto shouted, even as one of his clones lowered Kakashi to the ground. “CELEBRATORY RAMEN!”
Sakura and Sasuke rolled their eyes, but there was a distinct fondness to it. Like they were well accustomed to Naruto’s loudness and energy. Like they had been dealing with each other for years.
But it wasn’t in their files. Sasuke was supposed to avoid everyone. Naruto wasn’t supposed to have friends. Sakura was supposed to hate Naruto and obsess over Sasuke.
It seemed Kakashi would need to have a word with their academy teacher. After he talked to the Hokage, of course.
“Team 4?”
“Failed and returning to the academy.”
“Team 5?”
“Failed. Integrating into civilian life.”
Team 6?”
“Failed. Two going back to the academy.”
There was a pause, and then the Hokage asked, “Team 7?”
“Pass.”
Every person in the room turned to gape at Kakashi.
“You…passed Team 7?” Hiruzen asked slowly.
“I had to. I think they would have hunted me for sport if I failed them.”
Another long, long silence.
“Ah. Alright then. Team 8?”
Drinking seemed the only way to cope, really. And Kakashi planned to see if he could squeeze information out of Asuma and Kurenai about their genin teams as well. Maybe it wasn’t just his team. Maybe the whole year was full of insane kids, considering most of them were clan heirs.
“Hinata is very shy,” Kurenai was saying. “I think she’ll get on well with the Aburame boy, Shino, but I worry about Kiba overshadowing them. He’s so loud in comparison.”
“That’s the issue with Ino,” Asuma said. “She’s loud and pushy, and she’s totally running roughshod over the boys. Shikamaru’s too lazy to put up any effort in pushing back even though his intelligence makes him an ideal team leader. And Choji—” Asuma sighed. “—he’s like Hinata, I think. Quiet. Shy. Not a lot of confidence.”
They both turned to Kakashi, Kurenai’s brow lifting. “How about your team? You’ve got such a mixed bag. I bet you have the same problem with Naruto shouting over the others.”
“Eh, but don’t forget he’s got Sakura, too,” Asuma added. “And she’s one of Ino’s friends. Could be that she’s the same sort.”
Yeah…Kakashi was starting to think his team definitely didn’t have the same problems as the others.
“Naruto is loud,” Kakashi agreed with a shrug. “And Sakura is bossy. But I haven’t seen a power struggle yet.”
It was more the opposite, actually. Naruto was the clear leader of the group, coming up with broad ideas that Sakura and Sasuke would then refine into actionable plans. And the three of them had worked in sync perfectly, almost like they were telepathically connected, like they could read each other’s intentions and movements at a glance and didn’t need words to seamlessly adjust to changes in the plan.
Kakashi had trained ANBU teams with less coordination.
“Give it time,” Asuma said, as if imparting great wisdom. “I’m sure the inter-personal issues will flare up in a day or two.”
Kakashi nodded and let the conversation move on to other topics, but he wasn’t inclined to take Asuma’s word for it. Clearly the man’s own team wasn’t half the trouble—or half as batshit insane—as Kakashi’s was. It seemed he was on his own for this.