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"Babe, bring home the giant thong," Shae said on the phone one night.
"Can't, they keep the costumes," Alex Fasolo replied glumly.
"What on earth is Osher going to do with a giant piece of skimpy underwear?" Shae asked exasperated.
"I dunno, what were you needing it for?" Alex countered.
"Sex stuff," Shae said bluntly. "Cool thing to show at parties."
"Guess the number of jelly beans in the giant thong," Alex suggested.
"Pass the parcel and every new layer unravelled is a smaller sized g string," Shae added.
"Pin the penis on the giant thong," Alex said.
"Giant penis," Shae corrected, "would have to be a GIANT—-"
"Can use mine," Alex interrupted, smoothly. Voice dripping like butter straight from the microwave.
Shae spluttered. "Yours… I haven't seen yours," she said quietly.
"I'll show you on our wedding day," Alex whispered.
"Get Osher to loan you the giant thong for our big day," Shae instructed.
"It's not actually Osher's…" Alex said uncertainly.
"Alex! Just do it!" Shae ordered more forcefully. "You're the one who wanted fancy dress for the wedding! It's your big chance!"
Alex grinned. Finally, Shae agreeing with one of his plans for their wedding. Maybe he had chosen the right girl after all. He crossed off a few booty call options in his dream journal. "Okay, I'd love to," he said, pleased.
"Thank you," Shae said, relieved.
"What will you wear?" Alex asked abruptly. "Maybe I'll ask Osher if there's a matching one… white colour seeing as you're insisting on white so much."
"It's tradition," Shae deadpanned. "White is tradition." She rolled her eyes.
"Sure so one giant white g string coming up," Alex said excitedly. "This will be great."
"I wish I never suggested this," Shae grumbled, holding the phone further from her face.
"What was that, darling?" Alex asked, concerned. His smile stayed on his face.
Shae moved the phone closer. "Nothing," she said cheerily. "All good, no good."
"What?" Alex said, baffled.
"Nothing," Shae said again, and decided to change the subject. "This is great. Just get your arse back here to help me plan this."
"I can't!" Alex wailed. "I'm scheduled to sing the thong song in week 7!"
Shae sighed. "Can't you bring it forward?" She said.
"No, I need 7 weeks of rehearsal for it!" Alex cried. "It's the song for our first dance! The choreography on the show is exactly the same for our wedding."
"Alex! I thought I told you— we talked about this—" Shae began, seething.
"I know and I listened," Alex said smugly.
"You never listen!" Shae exploded.
Alex was silent for a minute. Then: "I gotta go, they're coming to get me for soundcheck."
"It's 3 in the morning," Shae groaned.
"We work around the clock," Alex answered.
"You sit in a caravan watching Netflix all day," Shae muttered but Alex had already hung up.