Chapter Text
It can be traced back, as always, to Katsuki being dumb enough to decide 'hanging out' with the group of idiots he (very reluctantly) calls his friends would be a fun thing to do on a Saturday night.
"I could have been chilling at home with a beer and a Silver Age All Might movie," Katsuki rues to himself, disconsolate, as Dunce Face shoves his tongue down Eyebags's throat with indecent enthusiasm while the rest of his old UA classmates cheer raucously.
After nearly eight years out of school, you'd think most of them would have fallen out of touch. But it's probably impossible to not forge lifelong tight-knit friendships when you went through a dozen different near-death catastrophes together in three years of superhero high school. All while cohabitating in a dorm as teenagers, going through highly convoluted and messy high school flings and breakups together.
Also, it doesn't help that they all continue to see each other all the fucking time even now, 'cause they're all in the same damn profession.
Grumbling, Katsuki takes another sip of his very liberal glass of scotch on the rocks. He'll just finish this drink and leave, he decides. He's been here for over an hour already, watching all the dumbasses get increasingly shitfaced. Any longer and he'll be responsible for making sure these useless drunks get home safely. No fucking way. Yeah, he's gonna finish this one drink and get the hell back to his neat and quiet apartment. To spend one of his rare off-duty weekends peacefully, with no annoying idiots bothering him.
"New game!" Raccoon Eyes screams shrilly right in his ear, and a nerve throbs in Katsuki's temple out of sheer annoyance. "I'm gonna count up and each of you has to take a shot of tequila when -" she pauses dramatically, looking around with an unholy glint in her eyes - "when I get to the number of all the people you've had sex with!"
Deku chokes on his drink with a high-pitched squeak, blushing furiously.
Katsuki rolls his eyes, taking another giant sip of scotch, reveling in the warm burn of the alcohol in his chest.
Shitty nerd. You'd think he was still some weak squirrely wet-behind-the-ears high school virgin, instead of a twenty six year old top ten pro-hero who is built like a brick shithouse, has entire legions of internet groupies thirsting after him, and has been shacked up with top-selling pro hero underwear model Red Riot for five years now. Tch. Stupid shitty Deku.
"M-Mina!" Deku splutters out. "That is so inappropriate, we s-shouldn't - !"
"When you say all the people we've had sex with, do you mean only penetrative sex or any kind of sex?" Tentacle Arms asks in polite inquiry, sitting there drinking beer out of one of his tentacle mouths like a fricking weirdo.
"No discrimination on how you got frisky, bestie," Ashido throws up a peace sign, grinning lecherously. "As long as it was with someone other than one of your own appendages, it counts!"
"Would Dark Shadow count as someone else or an appendage?" Birdboy asks thoughtfully, and that sets off a whole new round of indecent jeering while Deku chokes on his drink some more and Glasses spouts something dumb about appropriate topics of conversation and emulating heroic behavior.
Holy shit, this class is full of absolute freaks.
Katsuki takes another long sip, halfway done with his drink now, when Round Face manages to get some level of order on the proceedings.
"Alright, alright," she says, slightly slurring, cheeks even pinker than usual from the alcohol. Lightweight. "Anyone alive and not physically attached to you counts for a number! Anyone you slept with that was physically attached to each other at the time counts as a single person! Okay? Yes?"
"Sounds good," Ashido cheers, lifting her beer in a salute, sending some of it sloshing to the carpet right by his feet. Katsuki's glad he isn't the one hosting. Deku and Shitty Hair's apartment is already a tacky and tasteless disaster zone anyway, the spilled beer's hardly gonna ruin it. "Bring out the tequila!"
Invisible Extra giggles as she bobs about, pouring clear liquor messily into the plastic cups Frog Girl and Round Face place in front of each of them. Katsuki raises an eyebrow when he sees how generous the "shot" of tequila being served is. These dumbasses are all gonna be absolutely plastered in under an hour, holy fuck.
"Alright!" Ashido screeches once more from right beside his ear and Katsuki does physically shove her away this time, growling. She rolls with it, sprawling messily against Tape Arms's side. "I'm gonna start counting up. Drink your whole shot when it's your number! Liars will be cursed to be Mineta's love interest in the next life!"
The entire class makes a collective face of disgust at the reminder of that shitty purple ball head that failed out of the UA hero course in their 2nd year. That he even got to stay that long is a fucking disgrace in Katsuki's opinion.
"Okay here I go!" Ashido yells. "One!"
Pikachu and Mindfucker share a naughty look (ew) then intertwine their arms to take their shots together, accompanied by loud catcalling and wolf-whistling from all the other tipsy morons. The guys chug the drink then clink their empty plastic cups before giving a mocking bow to the heckling audience.
Figures the two dumbasses only ever fucked each other, sappy high school sweethearts dating since their second year at UA that they are. The only real question here is why the idiots haven't put a ring on it already.
Katsuki, unwillingly and without his consent, knows that there's already a tastefully-simple platinum ring in a purple velvet box hidden for weeks in Kaminari's hat drawer, just waiting for the right moment. Though looking at the way Shinsou smiles dopily up at the stupid drunk Pikachu, like he hung the moon and the stars or some shit, if Dunce Face doesn't get a move on already he's totally gonna get proposed to first by his boyfriend.
Katsuki rolls his eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, we all knew it'd be the lovebirds for that," Ashido sighs dramatically, hand over her heart and batting her eyelashes at Kaminari and Shinsou, before sitting up again. "Alright, take your drink if your number is two!"
Round Face, Glasses, Invisible Extra, Tails, and Earphones all knock back their tequila, some more enthusiastically and loudly than the others.
Invisible Extra giggles uncontrollably the entire time she drinks, her husband Ojiro's tail twitching with embarrassment while he knocks back his own shot.
Uraraka winks and sends an air kiss at Deku, her ex-boyfriend, before elbowing her newlywed husband Iida vigorously in the side, who is also Deku's ex-boyfriend. It causes half of Iida's tequila to spill down his front, his hair and glasses falling askew and ruining the picture of uptight perfection. Deku is flaming red where he's sitting beside his two married best friends who both lost their virginities to him in high school, his face hidden in his arms while squeaking in mortified distress.
Katsuki snickers into his drink. This is why Round Face is one of the few people he respects. The level of absolute chaos and destruction she can cause in 2 seconds while drunk as fuck is deeply admirable.
And Deku brought it on himself with that train wreck of a dating history, he fucking deserves the humiliation.
"Three!" screams Ashido after the necessary few minutes of wolf-whistling and jeering from the audience has passed.
Ponytail furtively downs her shot then hides her face in her girlfriend Jirou's shoulder while Invisible Extra and Raccoon Eyes loudly demand to know who the other two are and how dare she not have told them about this till now. Shitty Hair grins wide and also knocks back the alcohol, flexing his arms and waggling his eyebrows at Deku like an absolute moron. Deku sinks even further in his seat, slowly slumping sideways, only flaming forehead and tuft of messy green hair visible between his arms by now.
Figures all the long-term couples in this friend group would have barely fucked around. Most of them have been together since their debut years, if not even earlier since high school.
Losers. Though...
Katsuki blinks, sitting up from his careless slouch a bit. Actually, wait a second -
"Wait, aren't you gonna drink too?" Kirishima says, slowly dropping out of his ridiculous pose and staring at his possibly-dying boyfriend. "You also only had two relationships before we got together, right?" He gestures at Round Face and Glasses sitting beside Deku.
"Um, yes two relationships - " Deku says in a strangled voice, and it takes a few seconds for the group of assembled idiots to get it.
"Holy shit, Deku, you dog!" Ashido banshee-screams and takes a flying leap to jump on top of him, cackling madly. Katsuki immediately spreads out on the little loveseat, trying to take up as much space as possible so she won't come back to sit beside him and murder his eardrums again.
"You had a casual fling?" Kirishima and Uraraka ask simultaneously, staring at their boyfriend and ex-boyfriend/best friend respectively like they've never seen him before. "How come you never told me?!"
"Oooh, drama~," Dunce Face says in a singsong voice, then gets whacked upside the head by Frog Girl's tongue. "Ow, Tsuyu!"
"It honestly slipped my mind," Deku mumbles into the throw pillows, apparently trying to suffocate himself in the fluff. "It was in that short time I was in America after Iida and I broke up, and it was just a few random people, I honestly forgot -"
"Wait, you had a one night stand?" Kirishima whisper-yells, looking absolutely gob-smacked. "More than one one night stands?!"
"How can you not tell me, DEKU?!" Uraraka yells, nowhere near a whisper, looking unnecessarily betrayed considering she's not the one actually dating him.
Aaand that is way more information about Deku's love life than Katsuki ever wanted to know. Freaking disgusting. He downs the last of the scotch in his hand and gets up.
"I'm getting another drink," he yells into the unfolding mayhem and exits towards the kitchen, leaving the noisy mob behind.
When he gets back with a strong gin and tonic, he finds the loveseat he was sitting on taken over by Ashido, Hagakure, and Kouda, the two girls cooing drunkenly as they pet the little rescued baby bird Kouda has wrapped warm in his inner shirt pocket.
Round Face has assumed charge of the drinking game now and is calling out number eight. Birdboy and Sparkles drink their shots to the background of loud whooping. Most of the others seem to have had their drink by now too, so the general din is turning even more drunkenly rowdy than before.
Deku, who also appears to be done with his turn (thank fuck Katsuki missed learning the exact number) is tangled up with Kirishima on the couch they now have to themselves, their heads bent together as they chat. There's still a bright red flush high on Deku's cheeks as he talks, and the expression on Kirishima's face is shifty as hell. If anything, Shitty Hair looks kind of guiltily turned on and horny...
Ew. Ew, ew, ew. He does not want to think of his two (reluctantly-acknowledged, damn you) best friends like that.
Katsuki casts about for an empty seat, hopefully to put as much distance between him and the two idiots canoodling on the couch as possible. The only free space he can see is next to Todoroki, on one of the plush couches at the back. The half-and-half bastard is sitting primly and sipping a yuzu highball, looking like some rich celebrity dreamboat starring in a shoujo idol drama. Fucking annoying.
Grumbling but resigned to his fate, Katsuki heads over and plops down next to him. At least, annoying as he is, Todoroki won't be loud as fuck.
"What are you drinking?" Todoroki asks, eyeing Katsuki's drink curiously.
"Keep your eyes on your own drink, asshole," Katsuki snaps, taking a sip from his glass. "It's just a gin and tonic."
"I'm nearly done with mine and want to get another," Todoroki says. "Can I try yours? I wanna see if I like it."
"What the fuck," Katsuki says, turning to him and glaring. "I'm not gonna let you slobber all over my drink, that's fucking disgusting. Keep your germs away from me!"
The bastard huffs and sighs under his breath, like Katuski is being unreasonable. He's really gonna throttle the two-toned little shit one of these days.
"I just wanted a sip, it's not like I was going to spit in it or something," he says, rolling his eyes. "Fine, I'll just-"
"Tod'roki, Bakug'u, no faaair!" Ashido shrills drunkenly from across the room and they both look up as one. She stumbles to her shaky feet and points a finger at the two of them, accusing. "You're the only two who haven't drunk your shot yet and we're already on number eleven!"
"Oh for fuck's sake," Katsuki mutters under his breath, and he can feel Todoroki let out another little sigh next to him in agreement. Things are dire when he's seeing eye-to-eye with fucking Icyhot.
"How can you break the rules of the game like that!" Uraraka is getting all righteously riled up now, joining Ashido's side and pointing an overdramatic finger at the two of them too. "Here we all were, being truthful and sharing our innermost secrets for the sake of the game and friendship, and you two just - how dare -!"
Fucking hell.
"Oh for fuck's sake!" Katsuki repeats, yelling it this time out of unbridled irritation and rage. "I didn't take a drink 'cause you haven't called out my number yet, you drunk shits! I didn't break the 'spirit of the game' or whatever the fuck, just keep going already!"
"What do you mean it's not your number yet?" Ashido yells back, disbelieving. Rude. "We're on eleven already!"
"And that's too damn low!" Katsuki screams, thoroughly done with this bullshit. "I think I'd fucked eleven randoms while I was still just a sidekick!"
Silence.
"Holy shit, Kacchan, are you a total slut?" Dunce Face says in a voice of insultingly-incredulous awe. "How did you get all those people to sleep with you despite your shitty personality?"
Fucking rude.
Katsuki grabs the throw pillow resting between him and Todoroki and flings it right at Pikachu's face with all the force of a controlled propulsion blast behind it. The slightly-singed cushion knocks right into Kaminari, taking him down with a satisfying thump.
"I'm hot as hell," Katsuki answers Kaminari's question, manspreading obnoxiously and slinging an arm over the back of the couch. He smirks when he sees everyone take a minute to look him up and down as he lounges, their eyes contemplative and appreciative. Yeah, he knows he's smoking. "I can find a hot piece of ass to fuck any damn time I want."
And it's true. While his "shitty personality" turns off most of the pearl-clutching over-sensitive losers in the long term, people seem to be very into getting their brains fucked out by a loud-mouthed, rude, and explosive pro hero for one night. Katsuki's never had trouble finding some sweet, pretty thing to take home for a night by being entirely himself. The ridiculous 'bad-boy' image the media has built for him actually makes it super easy for him to find someone for a quick tumble when he's in the mood. It's like a fantasy for many of them, this sense of "danger" they view him with.
All that's just fine for Katsuki. He has no interest in being tied down or wasting his time with mushy romance bullshit anyway. So much better when he can absolutely wreck someone for a few satisfying hours then be on his merry way once he gets his rocks off. No muss, no fuss.
"So how many people have you actually fucked?" Uraraka asks, eyes burning with salacious curiosity.
"I thought we were still playing a game. Call out the right number if you're so curious, dumbass," Katsuki smirks, lounging back even more cockily in the small couch he's sharing with Todoroki. His thigh brushes Todoroki's thigh, arm resting behind Todoroki's shoulders along the backrest. He can feel the tips of Todoroki's longer hair brushing against his arm. Katsuki doesn't move away though. He ain't dropping his attitude just coz shitty Half-and-half is sitting next to him.
"Fifteen!" Deku blurts out suddenly, then promptly slaps a hand over his mouth, ears burning. "I-I mean, I didn't mean to -!"
Nosy little prick, always all up in Katsuki's business wanting to know everything about him. Katsuki scoffs derisively. "I told you I fucked eleven people by the time I was 21 and you think I only slept with four more people in the five years since then? Think it through better, shitty nerd!"
"Um, twenty?" Jirou asks, looking embarrassed but clearly burning to get in on the gossip.
"Higher."
"Twenty-five?!" Ashido asks, scandalized.
"Higher," Katsuki takes another sip of his gin and tonic, actually kind of enjoying the flabbergasted attention.
He gives good dick. It's not something he finds important enough to brag about, but it's true and he has no problem if people know it.
"Twenty-nine?" says Hagakure breathily.
"Close, but higher," he says, grinning viciously. Deku looks like he's about to have an aneurysm, and Shitty Hair, Tape Arms and Dunce Face are all staring at him with mouths wide open, like Katsuki's totally blowing their tiny little brains.
This is fun.
"Thirty-one," says Todoroki in a calm monotone from right beside him, and how the bastard's voice always cuts through a din when he is about as expressive as wet paper is a mystery that's beyond Katsuki.
The entire group of idiots and extras go completely quiet as Katsuki turns a bit in his seat, looking at the impassive two-toned bastard sitting right next to him with a raised eyebrow.
"Thirty-two actually, but close enough, I'll take it," he says, self-satisfied, raising his plastic cup in a mocking salute to everyone. Katsuki takes a bite of the salted lime wedge stuck to the cup and knocks back the tequila in one swift gulp. The alcohol burns deliciously down his throat, suffusing his chest with heat. "Surprised you even bothered to participate in the guessing, Icyhot."
Halfie just shrugs, nonchalant, tilting his head back to drink the last of his yuzu highball. His hair, which he's started growing out a couple months ago for whatever dumb reason, now falls just long enough to brush his shoulders. It moves hypnotically with the movement of his head, looking so fucking soft and smooth, shining even in the dimmed lights. Katsuki stares at the graceful arch of Todoroki's smooth pale throat, the bob of his Adam's apple as he swallows.
Katsuki's mouth goes dry. He is reluctantly mesmerized.
Todoroki's always been the Class A pretty boy, maybe even the UA pretty boy. He tops all the popularity polls for looks in their current generation of Pro Heroes and has even made it to international 'Hot 100 Pro Heroes' lists, surprising absolutely no one. With his sharply angular eyes and aristocratic cheekbones gentled by the delicate line of his jaw and soft plushness of his mouth, there's no question Todoroki's grown into the kind of beauty that causes traffic accidents. Every few months there's a news story of him getting mobbed somewhere in public by a group of admirers or having some creepy overzealous stalker try to follow him home.
Idly, Katsuki wonders how many people Todoroki has fucked. Probably not as high a number as Katsuki himself considering he's an oblivious loser with no game or social awareness. But it's probably still a pretty high number, just because of his stupidly pretty face. Todoroki's constantly getting hit on, even just while doing patrols or going to the grocery store. Or, on particularly meme-worthy and hilarious occasions, by the villains he's arresting.
At least a few people must have wormed their way into his (boring as hell, but expensive and designer label) pants by now.
Katsuki, while incredibly hot, has a terror-inducing demeanor that scares off the average loser from approaching him when he's just going about his life, which is exactly how he likes it, thank you very fucking much. Todoroki, on the other hand, has been in the public eye as an official hero long enough now that the 'Ice Prince' image is thoroughly dead and buried. The truth of a socially-awkward cute dumbass - who stops to pet every cat he sees, has an unhealthy obsession with shoujo manga, and frequently gets photographed making a hamster face while gulping down a bowl of noodles - is now out there in the open for anyone with an internet connection to see. And it's brought with it an entire army of starry-eyed loonies all fantasizing about marrying him.
If anything, Katsuki's surprised the half-and-half bastard isn't also shacked up in matrimonial bliss or whatever the fuck already, like half of their group of friends. It's genuinely surprising no one has snatched him up by now. Even Katsuki's emotionally-stunted ass can begrudgingly admit that stupid Icyhot is a walking wet dream that's somehow also made out of boyfriend material...
And what.
What the fuck, brain?!
Katsuki forcefully turns away from how he's been watching Todoroki - now gracefully wiping the corner of his soft pink mouth - like a fucking thirsty bitch in heat. Christ.
It's been a while since he got laid, now that he thinks about it. Maybe he should hit up a bar on his next free weekend, work off some of his clearly mounting sexual frustration...
"Wait a minute! Todoroki!" Uraraka jumps back to her feet.
Goddammit, what now.
Katsuki takes a look at her and scoffs. Dammit, every single time. The idiot gets all riled up and ready to start a fistfight the more drunk she gets, and she's clearly looking for a target right now. Todoroki just blinks at her, not understanding the depth of his predicament yet.
"You still haven't stepped up for your turn either!" Round Face says, looking ready to throw down for a bloody brawl. "I'd expect this kind of disrespect from Blasty, but you?!"
"Oi, I kept my end up, didn't I? Fuck off," Katsuki growls. He swears he sees steam come out of Uraraka's nostrils like a raging bull. Fucking she-demon. He slowly puts his drink back on the side table, muscles tensing, preparing for her to charge the couch he and Todoroki are sitting on in full attack-mode.
But Todoroki dismantles the situation without even trying.
"Um, I would take my turn but you haven't called my number yet either," Todoroki says.
And all thoughts of Uraraka, his other classmates, or literally anything else in the world gets instantly punted out of Katsuki's brain.
What. It hasn't been Todoroki's number yet?
What does that mean?
Does that mean - does that mean Todoroki's fucked over thirty two people?
Has Todoroki Shouto fucked even more people than Katsuki?!
It's like a bomb went off in his skull. Katsuki's head is suddenly filled with fire and heat, exploding with images he never wanted to have in there while sitting right next to the idiot bastard starring in them. Images of Todoroki Shouto being messily kissed as he gets stripped out of his boringly-utilitarian hero costume, revealing that perfectly-muscled stocky waist and those well-defined thighs. Todoroki Shouto, head thrown back against a wall, moaning in unbearable need while he gets his dick sucked. Todoroki Shouto writhing on a bed, mindless with pleasure and begging, while Katsuki ruins him -
His dick twitches slightly in his pants.
No. Oh hell no.
What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck -
The idea of a very sexual Todoroki seems to be blowing everyone else's minds too, so thankfully no one is looking at him. He readjusts in his seat, crossing his legs and mentally willing his dick to go the fuck down.
But seriously, the clueless dumbass who once responded to an interviewer hitting on him by giving her a chunk of ice 'cause he thought she was getting overheated due to the crowds at the gala red carpet? That idiot being some kind of sex god? What the actual fuck?
"W- wait," Deku says, nasally and shrill, face redder than a tomato. "Your number is higher than Kacchan's? You?"
"Pretty boys really do it differently, huh," Sugar Extra says in a hushed voice.
"I don't know what to do with the idea of Todoroki being a slut too," Kaminari says, sounding like he just discharged a 10 million volt charge and then got punched in the dick. "Ask him for tips? Ask him to come rail my boyfriend? Ask him to come rail me while my boyfriend watches?"
That finally breaks the frozen moment.
"Kaminari!" Earphones yells, shooting out her earphone jacks to drill into Dunce Face's ears. He screeches, flailing away and falling on his ass, groaning.
Todoroki clears his throat, and any other time it'd be absolutely fucking hilarious how quickly the entire group of idiots falls silent. Unfortunately, Katsuki is one of those idiots right now, half-turned in his seat to stare at Todoroki and waiting on his every word, eyes focused, brain fucking empty, and dick half-hard, goddammit.
"Er, no, I meant it's not been my number yet because Ashido started counting at one," Todoroki clarifies with his vaguely constipated-looking puzzled face. "So, uh, sorry to disappoint Kaminari, but I don't have any tips to give you, you definitely have more experience in this matter than I do."
Absolute silence.
Oh no this is worse, Katsuki thinks, as his brain goes full blue screen. Because this means he is - he is -
"Wait, wait wait wait," Round Face says, swaying slightly where she stands. "Todoroki is a virgin? You. Todoroki." She gestures frantically to all of him. "You are a virgin?!"
"Yes...?" Todoroki tilts his head like a confused baby bird. "Is that really so shocking?"
"Your official twitter once posted a request to stop throwing bras and panties through your apartment balcony!" Kaminari says, looking even more Dunce Face-d than earlier somehow. And they must have flown into the fucking mirror dimension or something, because Katsuki actually relates to him in that moment.
Fucking hell.
"Yes, it was getting rather irksome," Todoroki says. "Also, a waste of money for the women involved, don't you think? Women's under clothes are unnecessarily overpriced, as I came to know after going shopping with Fuyumi and my mom when we were setting up her home after she left the hospital, and -"
"A villain once groped your ass while you were giving a live interview on national TV," Sero interrupts. "And then when he got iceberg'd, he said it was worth it. I've been iceberg'd and I can only imagine what would make someone think it's worth it!"
"We heroes will never truly understand the motives of villains, Sero," Todoroki says earnestly. "You really shouldn't spend too long thinking on it."
Is this asshole fucking with them? Katsuki stares at Todoroki, trying to drill holes with his glare to see if he can take a peak into that incomprehensible brain. He can't actually be this dense right, what the hell?
"That's literally not my point," Sero bemoans, putting his head in his hands. Katsuki fucking sympathizes.
"A guy chatted you up when we went to that new gay bar just last weekend!" Deku pipes up, eyes wild and voice manic. "A really, really hot guy. And you texted me that you were leaving for the night after following him outside!"
Todoroki stares at Deku, vacant, before recollection clearly strikes. "Oh, I remember that guy, yes. I don't understand what he has to do with me leaving early for the night...?"
"Because he was trying to hook up with you! I thought you left early to hook up!" Deku's voice is definitely edging towards hysterical now.
"Wait, he was trying to hook up?" Todoroki says with a look of (glacially) slow-dawning comprehension. "Oh that makes some of the things he said make so much more sense..."
Deku lets out a strangled noise, arms flailing.
Katsuki, like everyone else, is watching the back-and-forth like a tennis match. It's a natural fucking disaster unfolding live and he cannot look away. His brain is just filled with static at this point.
"Hmm," Todoroki does that dumb-as-fuck thoughtful emoji pose, hand on his chin and frowning quizzically. Not for the first (or hundredth) time, Katsuki dimly marvels at how he's a walking meme even though he's this hot.
"The guy said 'I am going to make you scream my name'" Todoroki narrates, imitating a little gruff voice for the guy but otherwise speaking in an absolute monotone as always. He's such a weirdo. "And I said 'Sorry I don't know your name, have we met before?' And he seemed very confused, so I clarified that since I don't know his name, I probably won't be screaming it anyway even if we were in a villain attack, which I hoped wouldn't happen as it was a rather nice evening thus far -"
Oh my fucking god.
"Oh my fucking god," Deku echoes Katsuki's thoughts, slapping a hand to his forehead and slowly sliding off the couch in sheer distress. Kirishima isn't even attempting to keep his boyfriend from flopping to the floor, just sitting there and staring at Todoroki, mouth agape.
"So then he said his name was Kento and I said 'Oh that's the name of our old UA homeroom teacher's new cat, do you wanna see pictures?'," Todoroki continues, cluelessly narrating this multicar pileup accident of a conversation, to a spell-bound and horrified audience. His voice gains some level of excitement for the first time in this entire saga only when mentioning the goddamn cat. Katsuki cannot even. But at least listening to Todoroki affirm, once again, that he's a huge freaking idiot has the saving grace of finally killing off Katsuki's half-boner. Small fucking mercies.
"And unfortunately, as I was trying to take out my phone from the rather tight jeans Kirishima and Midoriya recommended I wear when they picked me up -"
"Oh no, I'm an accomplice to this crime now," Kirishima whispers, sounding haunted.
"- someone bumped into me and my red sangria spilled all over the guy's shirt. Obviously it left a large stain, and I felt bad since he had on a rather nice shirt. I didn't want his night to be ruined. He seemed about the same size as me, so I took off my shirt and gave it to him."
"So we're at the point in the story where you're shirtless in an alley behind a gay bar," Frog Girl says in a perfectly deadpan voice.
"I can't do this," Earphones stands up abruptly, face bright red with either suppressed laughter or screaming, it's anyone's guess. "I really can't, I think I'm dying." She speed-walks in the direction of the balcony, fist pressed to her mouth.
"Is she okay?" Todoroki asks, staring after her in slight worry.
"She's fine, Todoroki, just - just finish the story," Ponytail has her fingers pressed to her temples like she has a splitting headache.
"Um, alright, but there's not much else. I just gave him the shirt, asked him to give me his if he didn't mind, and told him to enjoy the rest of his night," Todoroki finishes. "Obviously, I didn't want to stay with a wet and wine-soaked garment on, Midoriya, which is why I texted you and headed home."
The bastard looks around, like all of this was a perfectly reasonable thing to happen to someone.
"So - so when you disappeared with one of my bridesmaids before the reception at my wedding -?" Uraraka asks.
"Oh, Mai? Is she still in America for ballet? It was very nice of her to teach me how to slow-dance. I took her aside to ask for help since I was not allowed any sort of fun hobby as a child, and I didn't want to make a fool of myself. She was very nice about it."
"And when one of your brother's med school friends took you to his bedroom at that college party right before we graduated from UA?" Deku demands.
Todoroki tilts his head again, pondering, before his face brightens. "Oh yes, I remember. Maru-chan."
"Maru-chan?"
"Yes, he asked me to his bedroom to introduce me to his cat," Todoroki says, happily reminiscing. "She was very fluffy, a tabby, and she had these cute black spots on her nose..."
"And just out of curiosity, Todoroki," Iida says, sounding thoroughly exasperated. "Do you remember the name or face of the guy in question?"
"Um... no, of course not. It was a long time ago after all."
Un-fucking-believable.
"How can a head be so beautiful yet so empty, zut alors," Sparkles mumbles. "Mon dieu, je n'y crois pas!" Birdboy and Tentacles nod on either side of him.
Todoroki looks around at his gawking group of friends, frowning slightly. His mouth purses in a small line.
"Is it really so weird that I haven't had sex so far?" Todoroki asks finally, sounding a bit tentative. The expression on his face is pensive, and fuck, self-conscious. "I just never really thought about it or really wanted to. Is this also something else normal people just get that I'm doing wrong somehow...?"
Oh hell no.
Katsuki opens his mouth, about to give Todoroki a thorough tear down against virgin-shaming and the utter imbecility of using sexual milestones to mark the passage into adulthood.
But Asui beats him to it.
"Todoroki-chan, there is no right or wrong in this," she says, in her matter-of-fact way that makes everything sound immediately more convincing. "As long as you're happy, it's perfectly fine and normal for you to never have sex. And if you do decide you want to, as long as it feels right for you, everything's consensual, and you're being safe, it's good. There's no timeline for this stuff. Don't think on it too much, okay?"
"That was wonderfully done," Tokoyami says with a regally-approving nod.
"I have two younger siblings, ribbit," she replies with a shrug. "I've given many rounds of The Talk."
"So Todoroki," Deku leans forward on his couch with that annoying shiny glint in his eye that means something has stoked his curiosity. "We've never talked about your sexuality, I always just assumed you were bi, like me! But are you maybe asexual?"
"I haven't really thought about it," Todoroki does his dumb thinking pose again. "I suppose not entirely, because sex doesn't sound bad or anything. I just think I need to care for and trust someone a lot before I can. But outside of family, the only people I feel that way about are all you guys so..."
"Todoroki, bro, you're killing me here," Shitty Hair puts a hand over his heart, eyes teary. "Why are you so fucking manly and wholesome, man, I can't take it."
"Um, sorry?" but Todoroki is smiling, the smallest little uptick of the mouth, a subtle softening of the eyes. Holy fuck, he's pretty, it's so goddamn unfair. Katsuki can't take it either.
"Wait, so that threesome really might be a possibility?" Dunce Face says. "Oi, Todoroki. Feel free to take a ride on the Chargebolt Express if you ever decide you want that cherry popped." He shoots finger guns at Todoroki, giving him a sleazy once over and whistling.
Thankfully, justice comes swiftly to make him pay for his crimes because Jirou comes back into the room just to attack him.
"Aren't you going to save him?" Birdboy asks Eyebags conversationally while Pikachu writhes and wails in agony on the floor.
"Nah, I think he deserves it for that terrible line," Eyebags shrugs. "Though I agree with Denki in sentiment on this one, pretty boy," he says, turning to look at Todoroki.. "Feel free to hit us up any time you decide you want in on the fun. It'd be our absolute pleasure." He winks at Todoroki, taking a sip of his cocktail, something that looks as dark as his soul.
Katsuki feels the sudden impulse to strangle the mind-fucking pest.
"I - uh - will keep that in mind," Todoroki replies, ducking his head, and is that a faint flush high on his cheeks?
"Deku, Tenya, this is a disgrace," Uraraka slurs, flopping on Kirishima's lap and slapping Deku's thigh while kicking at Iida's legs on the adjacent sectional. "Todoroki says he'd totally have sex with any of us, and you let ShinKami beat us to the punch? Where's the Dekusquad solidarity? If anything, we should call dibs on Todoroki's first time, as his bestest friends!"
"That is - not what I meant," Todoroki's definitely blushing now, ears a bright pink.
"Am I invited to this orgy you just volunteered my boyfriend for?" Kirishima asks, grinning and patting Uraraka's back. "'Cause Todoroki, man I say this with only the utmost respect, but your ass is fine."
"Thank you," Todoroki replies, deadpan, but he's also still smiling, so it's all good probably.
The conversation starts meandering after that, general chatter starting up again as people's focus shifts to other things. Deku manages to extricate himself from drunk Round Face's pestering, bounding over towards where Katsuki and Todoroki are sitting.
"Actually, what you said, all of that could still be on the asexuality spectrum, you know?" Deku says, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed like he gets when there's a new project for him to be a dumb nerd about. "Have you ever heard of gray or demi sexuality? I saw a video the other day, it was incredibly interesting, let me send you -"
Katsuki tunes them out.
There are thoughts and feelings and ideas swirling in his head that aren't a surprise, exactly. Katsuki's gay as fuck and has eyes. Probably eighty percent of Japan has rubbed one out to that video from two years ago of Todoroki's hero costume slowly melting off while he fought a particularly overpowered jackass villain. It ain't fucking remarkable.
What is taking him aback is the intensity of the want that's currently twisting up his spine, settling in a burning hot ember in his belly, combusting, craving.
Sex and lust have always just been momentary impulses for Katsuki, an itch under his skin that he gets rid of as soon as possible and then promptly forgets all about. But this - this need to have. To learn and unravel and wreck. To possess Todoroki Shouto, till the very essence of Katsuki is etched in him. He has no idea where that's coming from, but now it's in his brain and he can't ignore it.
Perhaps this isn't really a surprise either. Katsuki has always only sought to conquer the best, after all. He turns and stares at Todoroki's profile, at that graceful nose and those sweeping two-toned lashes and that soft cute pink mouth that's just asking to be bitten.
Oh yes, he'd definitely enjoy this. This could turn out to be the most enjoyable thing he's done, if he plays his cards right.
And he plans to.
Bakugou Katsuki only plays to win.