Chapter Text
I.
Reader: Be Dave ===>
Your name is DAVE STRIDER and if this fucking guy doesn't leave you ALONE you are probably going to pop a cap in his ASS.
And by 'pop' you mean stab, any by 'cap' you mean sword, and by 'in his ass' you almost certainly mean 'through his kidney'. But that doesn't exactly roll of the tongue now does it? Point is this guy has been all up in your grill for a while now. And by 'guy' you mean 'hunter' and by 'up in your grill you mean'- ok, enough with that. You made a note to yourself that that joke gets old real quick and to cut down on it or Rose was going to notice, and deduce why that particular joke translates directly into some strange subconscious bullshit.
Where were you? Right. Hunter guy. Hunter guy has been stalking you for almost two weeks. It was a little freaky at first until you noticed the guy is kind of a noob at this. Usually you noticed him around The Veil, the club where you get all your jobs. Whenever he tried to fight you just ollied out of there with your time-manipulation; easy. You don’t really want to fight him. But he just kept coming at you in the same predictable way that was clearly never going to work. It was almost like he'd never actually fought a hominid before.
Hominid demon, that is. You're a demon. Why did you just clarify that in your head? Of course you know you're a demon. Not to brag but you're pretty hot as far as demons go. Literally, you suppose, partly because Rose swears there's some fire demon in you guys, but mostly because a much less diluted part of your bloodline is Incubus. Nowadays it was hard to find a demon whose bloodline was pure- most were a mishmash of a few different things that everyone just collectively called a "demon". Incubus just happens to be pretty high up on the scale of demonic badassery.
Hunter guy, because you still don’t know the asshole’s name, managed to find out where you live and cornered you in the alley next to your apartment. Great. This is awesome. How the fuck had he found you? You wonder what Dirk would say about you being so careless. Probably something passive aggressively condescending. Fuck him. Still, you should probably take care of this guy before things get too hot to handle. There is no way in hell you are running back to Houston with your tail between your legs just because some newbie hunter got the jump on you.
Technically you’ve never been in a real fight with a real hunter either, but that isn’t because you aren’t a badass and more that hunters generally don’t fight hominids. Hundreds of years ago there were wars between humans and demons that dragged on for generations until eventually everyone settled their asses down into something known generally as the Truce. Hunters made guilds, and all intelligent demons, even kids, were required to join sects. Any attack on a demon or hunter means picking a fight with their respective sect or guild which makes things generally peaceable.
At least, that was the idea. Those laws still get broken. The other drawback is that any rogue unregistered demons or hunters are free game. Like you. By leaving your old demon sect, Derse, and forfeiting the bullshit “protection perks” you knew from the beginning that hunters might eventually try to pick you off like this. Time to deal with that decision.
You groan loudly and roll your eyes behind your shades, hands still in your pockets. Hunter guy is on the other end of the alley in front of you, magic hammer clutched in both hands and blue-eyed gaze determined.
“Jesus dude, give a guy a break, huh? I’m just trying to go home. This is like, definitely harassment.”
“It’s not harassment! It’s called hunting. I’m hunting you.”
“Well excuse me. You’re stalking me and trying to kill me. I feel so honored.”
“You should! I’m going to be a legendary hunter one day. The best! I’m so going to take you down and you will end up in the history books as my first big catch.” What are you, a trout? Asshole.
“Aw I’m going to be your first? This is only what, our fourth date? And I don’t even know your name. What a little heartbreaker.”
The guy actually turns a little pink at your teasing. A cute asshole, then. “The only heart breaking I’m going to be doing is with my hammer!”
“And the hammer is your penis? I’m swooning.”
“Arg! Shut up! Are we fighting or what? Or are you going to run again?”
“No, encroaching on my pad is kind of the tipping point. Low blow, douchebag.” You are still kind of joking around but you take your hands out of your pockets. That hammer might be serious but a real hardass hunter wouldn’t banter, right? This will be cake. You are just deciding not to bother pulling your sword unless you really need when the hunter charges with a little war cry.
John: Be the hunter ===>
Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you are a DEMON HUNTER, member of the PROSPIT GUILD. You are a pretty high level member of said guild even if you’re considered a bit young, which is DUMB since you turn twenty-one in April! What matters is the golden crown and sun tattooed onto your right bicep- and the fact that the sun/crown combo was over a Bishop chess piece basically means you are hot shit in the demon hunting world. This is also impressive considering you haven't ever actually been in real combat against a hominid. That is going to change tonight.
You have been tracking an EXTREMELY POWERFUL ROGUE DEMON for the past few weeks. You’ve never tracked a hominid before, or spent nearly as much time near them as you have been recently. So much of your time is spent exterminating animal-like lower demons that it’s easy to forget that hominids are on a whole nother level. It is a little scary, but also exciting.
After all that time getting to know his patterns and habits (like your dad and Jane taught you), you’ve mostly just noticed that this demon does some pretty weird things. 1) He drinks apple juice like a fish drinks water, or uh, a normal person breathes air? God that is a terrible comparison. He just fucking loves apple juice and is always swinging by the grocery store after work to buy apple juice at like four in the morning. 2) His t-shirts are all either of obscure bands or jokes you don’t really get. 3) For a DJ, he has quite possibly the worst music taste you have ever had the misfortune of hearing with your own two ears. If there's such thing as a DJ license, you think he should have his rescinded on account of bad music! It's all shitty rap music from the early 2000's and if he wasn't a super dangerous illegal rogue demon you would totally call him out on his awful music taste and then recommend him a few bands.
John: Do it anyways! ===>
You are not going to do that because that is a terrible fucking idea! This guy is definitely a super evil demon. He's just really good at hiding his demony side and acting like a normal human. Which bugs you way more than it should. There is a reason you avoid fighting hominids, and it isn't because you are a 'bitch baby' like Jade said. It’s just! Hominids are really good at blending into human society, and even if they are super evil and blasphemous in every way- they still look human. Which is probably why you have been sort of holding back whenever you fought this guy. He probably thinks you are a n00b, but you can still remember the first time you killed a low-level imp and almost threw up when you heard the bones crunch under your hammer.
Anyways. You are getting distracted and the demon guy is eyeing you cockily above his sunglasses from across the alley. His eyes glow a deep demon red. It reminds you of embers of an old fire, but keep that comment to yourself and tighten your grip around you hammer. God that sounds so wrong now ever since he made that dumb dick joke!
Okay. It is finally time to fight this guy, for real! No going back! You squeeze your eyes shut and charge in blindly. Definitely not a sound battle strategy but you don't want to see on the chance you do actually manage to land a hit. For your trouble you miss completely, getting only a ratty converse hard to the face and a rather amused look from the demon. Urgh, this guy is such a jerk. Stupid dumb tricky demon! He is so ogoing down. You quickly scramble up and heft the hammer once more.
When you were a kid you had trouble lifting such a weapon but now it feels light in your hands. You take another swing at him, eyes open this time. He dodges easily, side stepping to the right- which is when you turn on heel, swing your hammer in a clean, tight arc, and slam it to his upper right leg.
"Holy shit!" You gasp as the demon howls in pain and goes down hard. Whoa you did it, you actually got him. You are also 99% sure you just broke his femur. Shit. Wait. No, not shit. Un-shit. You're supposed to be hunting this guy, immobilizing him is a good thing! You put a steel-toed boot firm on his chest (like you saw Jake do one time, it was cool) to keep him still and pulled out your pocket bible. Your dad used to have all the incantations memorized, but you are still working on that part.
Dave: Be the dumbass that let your guard down ===>
Okay. So. Two things.
First, noob hunter isn’t actually a noob. You aren’t sure if the guy was messing around for the first few swings or what but he definitely isn’t new at this. He is actually pretty good with that hammer, and by hammer you actually mean hammer right now and not penis.
Second, he is going to kill you, like, right now. This is all happening so fast. And you absolutely cannot die, because if you do once Dirk gets down to Hell or wherever you end up next, he’ll lecture your ears off about letting your guard down. Which would be a moot point, because Bro would have already found you and double-killed you. You didn't even summon your sword for shit's sake! Why the fuck did you think a hunter would be easy? It’s a hunter for shit’s sake. All that bullshit him and Bro had drilled into you to never underestimate anyone, always assume that the other guy is stronger than you, run whenever you aren’t sure you can win- Jesus. You would never hear the end of it.
So there’s basically no way you can let yourself get offed right now. And because your leg feels like it’s made of fire and there’s a boot pressing into your chest so you can’t get out your sword anyway at this point, words are your only real option.
The good news: you’re in enough shock and pain to think that you actually have a chance.
Dave: Barter for your life ===>
“Whoa whoa whoa ok! Okay hold up. Let’s just. Chill ou-” You wheeze as the boot presses harder into your chest.
“I’m trying to concentrate here!”
“And I’m trying to not get murdered!” His boot lightens up a bit and you notice that his hands are shaking. Even if you weren’t super in tune with human emotions via Incubus perks, it’s easy to see that this guy is freaked out. Why is a hunter this freaked out when he’s got you beat? It couldn’t be… that he’s scared of killing you?
Suddenly there’s a tiny, tiny light at the end of the tunnel.
“And, supper being ended, the devil having now put into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon's son… to betray him,” the hunter begins, haltingly.
Fuck fuck fuck, even you recognize this one. That is not a nice verse. Demons of your level don’t have fatal verses but that one could fuck you up bad if this hunter had enough magic in him.
“You aren’t seriously going to kill me, are you? You don’t even know me!”
“J-Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things unto his hands,” the hunter lowered the hammer down toward your neck. The head of it was starting to glow from the incantation.
You are seriously, actually about to die. You’re going to get killed without ever even doing what you left home to do. You aren’t going to find the bastards who killed Bro and Mom. Not unless you can convince this guy not to kill you.
“I didn’t do anything! What are you even killing me for?” You grab at the hand that’s holding a demon-slaying hammer over your face and push desperately. You can feel the heat radiating from the handle.
The hunter gritted his teeth. “Because you’re a rogue demon! You’re evil!” He broke his incantation but you’re far from out of the woods yet.
“You’re the one attacking me and I’m the evil one?! I’m a person too!”
The hunter’s blue eyes shone with indecision and fear. If there is one thing you know how to do, it’s exploit emotion.
Dave: Pull out the big guns ===>
“Don’t make my sisters cry over me. Please?” Ha, you are so good at this.
The hunter scrunches his eyes tight, and shoves the hammer against your forehead. Oh shit oh shit never mind you are not good at this, you are dead, you are so-
“Jesus answered and said unto them, destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up!”
John: Realize you are being played ===>
God dammit. Jade, Jake, and Jane would totally kick your ass and call you names a lot worse than bitch baby if they knew you are doing this. You just used a non-lethal paralyzing verse on a demon you totally have on the ropes! Ughhhh, and you know he’s not even using his demon powers to mind control you because your Nephilim angel blood protects you from that. Why did he have to bring up his family? Demons aren’t supposed to have families! Especially not sisters. That is like. So cheating. Guh!
You are going to regret this so hard. Ugh. You let your hammer drop from your hands and blip out of existence then rummage through your bag (no Jade it is not a purse, it’s a satchel! Like Indiana Jones!) until you find a bottle of blessed ink.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m going to rip off your shirt.” You say and try not to blush as you start ripping off his dirty T-shirt. This is totally not weird. Ugh who are you kidding, this is super weird. And also a very bad idea. Why are you doing this again?
“Wow, forward much, at least buy me dinner first.” He says through gritted teeth and you can tell he’s probably in a lot of pain even though he can’t move. It’s actually impressive he’s still conscious, let alone able to talk. You check his body over thoroughly (not that thoroughly!) looking for any seals on his body that might be hiding weapons. Lots of demons had spelled tattoos that can store weapons and it’s basic protocol to check for them first. Luckily no demon can have more than one seal on them so you don't have to look very far. His chest is a pasty white centered by a swirling black tattoo of intricate ruins. Also freckles. Like. So many freckles. And a huge ass scar over his sternum? Geez that must’ve been painful.
You push the thought away dip a brush into the ink and start writing the seal. The demon hisses as the holy water based-ink touches his chest but you clench your teeth and kept writing. He looks almost human when he squeezes his eyes shut and gasps in pain. Once it’s done you stand up. The seal is a pretty basic one so even your sloppy Hebrew gets the job done. It just disables the tattoo. The string of curses flowing from the demon’s mouth is nothing short of artful and you think your father would want to wash his mouth out with soap.
“Alright cool. So this is also going to hurt a lot but um, can you hold onto the fire escape right there?”
“Why the fuck- SHIT!” He starts, but you have your hands around his foot and your pulling hard. You can feel the fractured bone pieces moving and for a second you thought he was about to pass out. Oh please don’t pass out, you silently pray. Thankfully he doesn’t pass out. Now that his bones are in the right spot you can actually splint his leg. Good thing you were a boy scout when you were a kid, because right now you sure are glad that you learned first aid! Not that traction splints are in the normal first aid patch requirement but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared. Piecing one together from some dirty cardboard you find on the ground is easy since it’s only temporary.
With the demon’s leg splinted sufficiently you scoop him up and toss him over your shoulder with ease. Wow he’s super light and needs to eat more! Or at least that’s what you would think if he wasn’t a demon. Which brings you back to thinking about how stupid what you’re doing actually is.
“What, the fuck, are, you doing?” The demon asks between gasps.
“I’m trying to save your life asshole! Shut up before I realize what I’m doing is stupid and get some common sense.” You snap as you make your way to your apartment because you don’t know what else to do, oh man oh man this is so bad.
“You’re a demon hunter. Not a- Fuck! Be gentle with me I’m a fragile maiden.”
“No shit, and you don’t get to complain because you’re lucky to even be alive right now. God Jade is going to kill me…” The last part is you talking to yourself because yeah Jade is going to kill you so hard for this.
Your old lady neighbor gives you a super weird look when you unlock your apartment and you try to give her a small wave. Yeah. Maybe carrying a shirtless dude into your apartment at eleven at night isn’t a normal thing to do. Then again neither is helping the same demon you were supposed to kill.
You’re so screwed.