Work Text:
Despite what should be an uncomfortable position, entangled in his best friend’s long and rather pointy limbs on the too small couch, James is on the brink of sleep.
“I love you.”
It’s whispered quietly enough, and James is drunk enough, that it would be easy to ignore. And that is obviously Sirius’s intention.
James could just shut his eyes, give in to the tantalising promise of sleep and Sirius would probably never bring it up again.
Unfortunately, James cannot physically stop his astonished, “What?”
Sirius tenses against him. For a moment, James is sure he'll take it back, but Sirius is stubborn.
“I love you,” Sirius repeats. Firmer this time.
“I love you too, Padfoot,” James replies. Light and casual. An attempt to diffuse the conversation.
Sirius doesn’t take the bait.
“I’m in love with you,” Sirius says.
And there it is. The subtext of their entire relationship lay bare in the tiny, rented apartment on the outskirts of Paris.
“You can’t…” James chokes out.
He doesn’t know if he means Sirius can’t feel that way or Sirius can’t say it out loud, but either way, the point stands. James is getting married in two weeks. Mere feet away, discarded on the coffee table is the ridiculous, barbie-pink bride-to-be slash that James had been wearing around all night.
Sirius presses his face into the join between James’s neck and shoulder. His breath shakes as he releases it.
“This was my last chance,” Sirius mumbles, his voice muffled by James’s collared shirt. The vulnerability in Sirius’s voice is almost more shocking than the confession itself. It burns through James like wildfire.
James should extract himself from their tangle on the couch. Go to his bedroom. Get a proper night's sleep. Return to the conversation in the morning when they are both less drunk and more level-headed.
Instead, James makes the rather nonsensical decision to nuzzle in closer. Sirius’s scent is an intoxicating cocktail of the whiskey he’d been drinking all night, the expensive cologne he’d stolen from James that afternoon and something that was uniquely Sirius which had always reminded James of the crackling atmosphere left in the wake of a duel.
Sirius’s breath stops as James wraps his arms more firmly around Sirius’s back and entangles their legs together even more tightly. They’ve been sharing a sleeping space on and off since they were twelve, but tonight is the first time it feels dangerous instead of just comforting.
James shifts the thigh placed between Sirius’s legs, adrenaline pumping through his veins. Sirius finally releases the breath he was holding as a low hiss.
Spurred on by the heady knowledge that it is his actions that are taking Sirius apart piece by piece, James shifts his leg again, this time intending to press his thigh higher. Suddenly Sirius squeezes his thighs, trapping James in place.
“Stop,” Sirius commands. “You’re drunk, James,” he whispers, James can’t help but take some pleasure in the breathiness of Sirius’s voice. “Go to sleep.”
James wants to argue, but his logic is infallibly sound. Even now, moments after, he already feels the prickling of guilt and they hadn’t even done anything… not really.
James hmphs as he extracts his thigh. But he makes no move to leave the couch, burying his face into Sirius’s chest and drifting off into a dreamless sleep.
+++
The next morning is a whirlwind.
Everyone is hungover. Remus is frantically looking for his second shoe which he is sure he left the club with. Peter has laid claim to the bathroom, the frequent heaving indicating he won’t be out anytime soon.
James forces himself into a seated position on the couch, his head throbbing from the alcohol and his stomach churning from the resulting hangover.
The only person not participating in the madness is Sirius.
Unnaturally quiet, Sirius is using his wand to wordlessly direct a breakfast fry-up in the tiny kitchenette.
James’s stomach lurches just from looking at him.
Sirius is in love with him.
It makes even less sense in the harsh light of day. Sirius, the heartthrob of Hogwarts, the Marauder who turns heads the minute he enters a crowded room, the terminal bachelor with standards so high he has barely dated at all despite considerable interest… is in love him – bespectacled, knobbly kneed, big-headed James Potter… its nonsensical.
“We’re going to be late. Fuck,” Remus swears knocking past James to look under the couch again and interrupting his train of thought. “You guys better not be hiding my fucking shoe.”
“We’re not, Moony,” Sirius says. He sounds exhausted. For a moment, he meets James’s eyes, but his gaze is averted just as quickly.
“Why don’t you just borrow a pair of mine?” James says his eyes still on Sirius’s bowed head as he addresses Remus. He summons a pair of trainers from his suitcase and shoves them into Remus’s hands. James needs to get out of this apartment, the smell of the breakfast is making him far more nauseous than hungry.
+++
The tour of the catacombs is a very Moony activity, but on another day and under different circumstances, James thinks he very well could have enjoyed the eccentric tour guide’s retelling of the morbid history of the underground graves. Today, unfortunately, James is more than a little distracted.
He runs his eyes over his friends. Peter still looks a bit green around the gills, Remus is adsorbed in the tour guides tales and Sirius… Sirius keeps to the edge of the group, the lack of light throwing shadows over his face making his expression impossible to read. A feeling of forbidding that has very little to do with the ancient graves surrounding them and everything to do with Sirius’s late-night confession crawls its way up James’s throat. It tastes bitter on his tongue.
As soon as they are done, James shakes off his friends with the promise to meet up for lunch. Maybe a couple of hours away from the group, away from him, will give James the chance to come to terms with what has been said and provide him with the opportunity to bury it deep within his subconscious.
At least that was his intention.
No sooner had he said his goodbyes and started down the street in the opposite direction to his friends, than a familiar pair of boots fall into step beside him.
“I don’t expect you to do anything about it,” Sirius says.
James stays silent.
“I wasn’t…” Sirius hesitates. “I wasn’t going to say anything at all.”
“Well, why did you?” James shoots back. He was perfectly happy only 12 hours ago, more than ready to wed the redheaded woman who had captured his heart since he was fifteen.
Sirius shrugs.
“It’s not like it changes anything,” Sirius says. Softly, sadly.
He is looking straight ahead, the light catching in his dark hair. James curses as he trips over the uneven cobblestone, almost pitching headlong into the gutter. Sirius’s hand darts out grabbing his arm and steadying him. James can feel the heat of his grip burning through his thin cotton sweater.
“What’s that supposed to mean?!” James says yanking his arm from Sirius’s grip and rounding on him.
Sirius flinches and the guilt that snakes its way up James’s spine only fuels his anger. How dare Sirius make him feel guilty after everything Sirius has done.
“Don’t you understand? This changes everything!” James hisses advancing on Sirius.
Sirius shakes his head and backs away. One step, two, three. James wants him to stop, to stand his ground, to fight.
“You’ve ruined everything,” James spits, he backs Sirius against a black bar fence. James grabs onto bars on either side of Sirius’s body caging him in. Grey eyes flash.
“Stop being a drama queen,” Sirius says. His attempt at nonchalance is sullied by the shake of his voice. “Nothing is ruined. You love Lily, you’re going to marry her, have two point three kids, and live in the suburbs. I’ll be there for the wedding, maybe the first couple of years, but then you’ll find some more respectable friends with kids for playdates and before long I’ll just be an artefact of your Hogwarts days, someone who was fun but ultimately disposable.”
James’s ire climbs with every word, every ridiculous prediction, every incorrect assumption. When Sirius finally finishes, James struggles for a moment to wade through his fury in order to formulate a response.
“You… You… Dick…”
Before he knows it, James has careened forward capturing Sirius in a searing kiss. Sirius releases a surprised yelp as his head is slammed against the fence behind him.
It takes Sirius a few moments to respond to the sudden advance, but when he does, he does so with fiery passion. Sirius’s hands are everywhere, it’s both far too much but not nearly enough. James crowds closer, cursing every inch of space and every thread of cotton still separating them.
It takes James a long time, far too long, to realise that their passionate, somewhat aggressive, embrace is drawing unwanted attention from the passing muggles. It's not until a particularly loud tut by a passer-by, that James realises just where they are. And what they are doing.
He yanks himself away, staring at Sirius in wide-eyed horror.
“I –” Sirius takes a step forward, his expression uncharacteristically panicked.
James’s mind is a mess of swirling thoughts, he both wants to launch himself back into Sirius’s arms and disappear into the concrete pavement never to touch anyone ever again.
On top of his conflicting feelings builds a mountain of guilt. What had he just done? Not only had he fanned the flames of Sirius’s feelings for something that could never be, but he had completely betrayed Lily – beautiful, sweet Lily who was waiting for him back home completely unaware she had just been cheated on in the middle of a Paris backstreet. The crippling guilt overwhelms all other feelings, and James takes a shaky step away.
“James, don’t –” Sirius says, hands darting forward only seconds too late to catch onto James’s shirt as he apparates away (heedless of onlooking muggles).
+++
In the end, James can’t go through with the wedding. He figures, even if he did tell Lily everything and she somehow forgave him, it wouldn’t matter – James could never forgive himself for the way he betrayed her (and the fact remained if he was willing to launch himself at Sirius like that, his feelings for her mustn’t have been as strong as he thought).
He is not sure if he is surprised or not when days and then weeks pass by without Sirius tracking him down. Not that he is particularly hard to find, moping around in his late parent’s country house, mourning not one but two broken relationships.
It is a full month before they even come across each other. Becoming bored with repenting his sins in seclusion, James had ventured out into Diagon Alley, when he quite literally runs into Sirius – his stack of brown paper-wrapped purchases scattering across the cobblestones.
“Sorry,” Sirius mutters. He flicks his wand and James’s parcels restack themselves and settle gently into James’s surprised arms. And then without once meeting James’s eyes, he walks swiftly away.
James blinks at Sirius’s fast retreating back in disbelief. Not once in their entire acquaintance had Sirius ever run like this – without putting up a single iota of resistance. Even his supposed running away from his family home had been more of a tactical retreat after a particularly vicious battle, certainly not a surrender. After taking a moment to overcome his incredulity, James springs into action. He banishes his shopping back to his parent’s house and jogs after Sirius.
“Oi,” James says, grabbing Sirius roughly by the shoulder. “What do you think you’re doing?”
Sirius spins around to face him. Infuriatingly, he is still not meeting James’s eyes, his downcast gaze settling somewhere around James’s naval.
“Leaving you to your shopping,” Sirius answers quietly.
“You didn’t think to even say hello.”
Sirius slightly lifts one shoulder.
“So that was your plan then?” James says incensed by Sirius's lack of response, “Just to disappear into the ether and never talk to me again.”
Sirius’s silence is damning. A trickle of fear slides past James’s anger.
“You can’t… we’re best friends…” James says, hating the desperation in his voice.
Sirius snorts loudly, James tries to take some heart in the fact that that at least the bitterness brings some life back to his expression.
“Some best friend. I made you cheat on your fiancée at your own bachelor’s party. I’m the reason you didn’t get married… I ruined your life, James.”
“You didn’t ruin it,” James says. Sirius finally looks up, his stormy grey eyes churning with self-hatred. “I called off the wedding - not Lily. And,” James runs his tongue over his suddenly dry lips, “you didn’t make me do anything.”
Sirius shakes his head.
“Come on, Pads. You were there, did it seem like I did anything I didn’t want to do?” James says, trying for a joking tone and missing by a mile.
Sirius's lack of response is answer enough. He studies James with a small crease between his eyebrows as if James were a particularly complex arithmancy problem that he hadn’t quite solved.
“Although,” James continues, “I must admit, when I called off the wedding… well… I thought you’d come after me.” Heat climbs up his neck at the admission. To be honest, it had hurt, more than James liked to admit, watching the days on the calendar tick by with no visit, no mirror call, not even an owl from Sirius.
“You’re serious?” Sirius asks after a beat.
“No, you are,” James jokes weakly.
Sirius rolls his eyes and ignores the pun with practised ease.
“You really think I would track you down? After what happened in Paris? After the wedding was called off? I may have very well deserved it, but I wasn’t going to seek out being hexed into oblivion.”
“Oh.” James’s scruffs at the back of his hair feeling a bit foolish. “I thought your feelings might have changed. After we… you know… you might have realised I wasn’t worth the effort.”
Sirius’s eyes burn as they meet James’s, James swallows as he takes in their intensity.
“If there was even the slightest chance I could fall out of love with you, do you think I would have confessed the way I did?”
“No,” James admits, still mesmerized by the passion in Sirius’s eyes.
“What do we do now?” James asks. “You could come back to mine and –”
“No,” Sirius says definitively taking a step away from James as if to emphasize his point. An echo of his earlier hurt washes over James.
“Why not?”
“You know why.” James opens his mouth to tell Sirius he’d better explain because James very much doesn’t, but Sirius beats him to it. “Because two months ago you were ready to walk down the aisle and spend the rest of your life with Lily. You need to be sure you aren’t making a mistake.”
If he could have found the right words, James would have explained how Sirius’s confession had set his world on fire, how he had been able to think of nothing else until he had kissed him the following day, how he had waited for the doorbell to ring in the following weeks even when he had been pretending not to.
“I already know I’m not,” James says instead.
Sirius shakes his head. “I don’t know a lot about relationships, but even I know that’s not enough time to grieve your relationship with Lily and decide you want something different.”
“Ok then,” James says frustratedly, “how much is enough time then?”
“I don’t –”
“Another month?” James demands.
“James –”
“Two months? Three? I can keep going all afternoon.”
“Fine,” Sirius says, through gritted teeth. “Three at an absolute minimum –”
James sniffs, hugging his parcels closer to his body protectively. “I’ll see you for our first date then in three months.”
“James, that’s not what I –”
But James doesn’t let him finish.
“And you don’t get to avoid me until then,” James says with a confidence he doesn’t completely feel. “You’ll be at the Hog’s Head on Friday. We’re best friends for Merlin’s sake and I’ve just been through a breakup, you owe me so many consolation drinks.”
The corner of Sirius’s lip lifts and his expression lightens as James talks.
“Alright,” Sirius concedes at last. Relief breaks over James like a cold front after a swelting summer’s day.
James suppresses his relieved reaction and instead gives Sirius one final nod before apparating away. He doesn’t want Sirius to change his mind.
+++
It is awkward at first. Painfully so. Not least because Remus and Peter don’t know what had transpired between them, nor that it was the reason the wedding had been called off.
But James makes forced upbeat conversation and Sirius follows suit and before long it is as if nothing at all had happened between them. In fact, as the end of the three months approaches, James begins to fear that Sirius has forgotten about their deal and (worse still) his feelings for James, completely.
Regardless, exactly three months to the day, James stands outside Sirius’s apartment. Flowers in hand and a stubborn expression on his face.
“James?” Sirius questions as he opens the door.
“I’m taking you out,” James says shoving the flowers unapologetically into Sirius’s chest and grabbing his wrist.
“Sorry, what?” Sirius fumbles with the unexpected bundle of flowers catching them entirely out of reflex.
“I’m taking you out to dinner and you’re going to enjoy it,” James says, yanking Sirius out into the hallway of his apartment complex. “I’ve waited the arbitrary three months and passed your stupid test, you have no more excuses. So, stop stalling get out here and date me.”
“You know, I think it was your boundless patience that first attracted me to you,” Sirius muses.
James twists around, the surprise and alarm on Sirius’s face has given way to a smile so genuine that it warms James down to his toes.
“Shut up,” James says. He pulls Sirius toward him. For a moment, he is terrified Sirius will step away as he had at Diagon Alley, but this time Sirius leans forward to meet him.
+++
Later they lay tightly entwinned under the red blankets of James’s childhood bedroom.
“Thank you,” Sirius whispers into his lips, “for choosing me.”
“Thank you for being brave enough to tell me how you felt,” James murmurs back. “And if it wasn’t obvious yet… I’m in love you too.”