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‘Do you think there might be a deficit in me?’
Joan had not bothered to turn on the light. Vera found her sitting alone on the couch, still in her work trousers and shirt sleeves, her black hair unravelling down her back. A vodka bottle and glass sat beside her on the table.
Vera yawned, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes as she padded over. The tiles made her bare feet curl up against the cold. She was still wearing the satin slip she’d gone to bed in, and the night air made her skin ripple with goosebumps and her nipples tighten.
‘No,’ said Vera. ‘I think there might be a fallen wire in you.’ She stopped in front of Joan. ‘Smoking and fizzing and throwing out sparks, ready to incinerate anything that gets too close…’ Smiling slightly, she ran her fingertips down Joan’s face. ‘And yet.’
‘It’s not that I don’t worry about … about what I’m like.’ Joan traced the chilly rim of the glass with one finger. She was gazing past Vera, out into the darkened garden. ‘But there comes a moment when you realise that you will never be acceptable, no matter what you do.’ She let out a long breath. ‘And you can let that knowledge crush you – or you can take those qualities of yours that frighten and disgust all the normal, decent people, and make use of them.’ Her voice was tight with bitterness, the expression on her face close to despair. Vera had never seen her like that before. She reached out to touch the older woman’s shoulder, but Joan didn’t seem to notice.
‘But that’s just bravado,’ Joan went on. ‘Just because you flaunt your most outrageous attributes doesn’t mean you’re actually – ’ She glanced down at herself, her hands twitching in a small, helpless movement.
‘Comfortable?’ Vera suggested. Joan shrugged and looked away. Vera realised she couldn’t say the word, much less allow herself to feel it.
Shaking her head, Vera pushed her sleep-tousled hair back from her face and looked down at the woman in front of her. Joan’s large frame was slumped against the couch, but the tendons in her neck and shoulders were pulled taut, no rest to be had.
‘You think there’s something missing from you?’ Vera moved the bottle aside. ‘Well, if there is, you won’t find it in there.’
She reached down to run her hands over the curve of Joan’s head, savouring the feel of the thick hair released from its usual bun, teasing out the wiry silver streaks and rubbing them between her fingers. Then Vera stepped forward to straddle the taller woman, lowering herself until she was settled across Joan’s lap.
She tilted Joan’s chin up with one finger.
‘This thing you’re missing. Would you like me to take a look?’
‘Vera…’ Joan stirred in discomfort as the younger woman leaned in to kiss her, brushing her lips lightly at first, murmuring over them, before teasing them apart with her tongue. Vera’s breath came out with a sigh. Her hands wrapped around Joan’s head as the kiss deepened; she tasted the tang of alcohol of Joan’s breath and kissed her harder as if to remove it.
‘I don’t know if I can – ’ Joan raised her hands and took hold of the younger woman’s waist, as if to move her aside. Vera sighed again, this time in frustration. It wasn’t easy to love someone who could hardly stand to be loved – but she wasn’t giving up yet.
She shuffled closer instead, until her knees were planted hard on either side of Joan’s hips. She said ‘Well, you’re missing your jacket, for one thing. It’s freezing in here.’
As Vera had known she would, Joan pulled her nearer for warmth, running her hands up and down the younger woman’s slim body, rubbing her skin through the satin and tracing the delicate beams of her ribcage, before drawing her into a tighter embrace.
‘Mm, that’s better.’ Vera smiled to herself, knowing Joan was someone who could never resist being needed. She kissed Joan again, harder this time, taking possession of Joan’s bottom lip and sucking on it with a tender rhythm.
‘Oh – ’ Joan’s breath caught, her grip tightening around Vera’s waist.
‘That’s it,’ Vera murmured, wriggling closer still, until their hips were pressed together. A delicious heat was stirring inside her, making her relish the sturdy shape of Joan’s body between her legs, the slight roughness of Joan’s trousers against her bare skin. Still, she brushed Joan’s hand away as it began to venture up beneath her slip. Most evenings Vera was the centre of attention and found it blissful, but tonight she knew something else was needed.
She took Joan’s hands and guided them back to cup her bottom instead, whispering ‘Why don’t you keep me warm, while I look for this thing you’re missing?’
Joan let out an uneasy breath as Vera kissed her way down the side of her face, her fingers tracing the whorl of Joan’s ear with delicate, teasing movements.
‘Vera, you don’t have to – ’
‘Shh, don’t distract me while I’m looking.’ Vera kissed the fleshy lobe of Joan’s ear, flicking her tongue against it, knowing how sensitive Joan was there. She caught it between her teeth, slowly increasing the hot pressure until Joan gasped out loud.
‘Vera…’
‘No,’ Vera smiled as she moved across to repeat the same treatment on Joan’s other side. ‘Nothing missing so far.’
Her kisses ventured down to the base of Joan’s throat, nuzzling and biting with playful movements. Meanwhile Vera’s fingers were stretching, reaching for the buttons on her lover’s shirt.
At once, she felt Joan’s body stiffen at the prospect of being touched or seen – but Vera was ready for her. As Joan moved one hand to stop her, Vera caught it and drew it to her breast instead, whispering ‘Please, I need you…’
The hot curve of Joan’s palm around her breast, the tantalising pull of a thumb and forefinger against her nipple, sent a jolt of sensation through Vera, making her give a sigh of pleasure that was entirely genuine. Still, she also had to hide a smile of victory as she unbuttoned Joan’s shirt. How passionate the older woman was, and how difficult she found it to enjoy that fact. Still, she would do anything to satisfy Vera’s needs – Vera let out a moan as both her breasts were fondled fiercely now … and that was one way in.
Vera knew better than to open Joan’s shirt too far. Instead she slipped one hand inside it, stroking the ridge of Joan’s collarbones and the hollow of her throat. Then, her movements hidden decently beneath the fabric, Vera slid her hand lower to touch the other woman’s breasts.
Joan gasped and pressed her face into Vera’s throat, gripping her buttocks and squeezing tight. Knowing she could only steal a few moments here, Vera snuck her fingertips beneath the seam of Joan’s bra, letting them brush as if by accident against her nipples, which were achingly erect.
‘No, absolutely nothing wrong here,’ said Vera, before Joan stifled a cry and pushed her away.
Tilting back, Vera held the older woman’s gaze for a moment, her own expression calm and determined. Then she eased herself backwards and off Joan’s lap.
‘Oh, I – ’ Joan’s hands moved too late to stop her. The taller woman’s face was flushed, her mouth darkened from kissing, a restless twitch in her hips that told Vera what she needed to know. Smiling very gently, Vera lowered herself, coaxed Joan’s knees apart, and knelt between them.
‘Vera, that’s – ’ The younger woman couldn’t help grinning at Joan’s voice, which was growing hoarse with need as Vera’s small fingers reached out to trace the seam of her trousers. Through the fabric, Vera could sense the heat of the other woman’s flesh. She ran her thumb back and forth along the seam, pressing harder, and felt her movements greeted with a faint, tell-tale moisture.
Much as Vera longed to lift her head and meet her lover’s gaze, she knew Joan could not bear to be looked at now. Vera unzipped her trousers instead.
Joan shuddered as the younger woman leaned in closer, nudging her shirt up to kiss her stomach, before slipping a hand inside her underwear.
‘Well, this all seems to be in order…’ Vera’s breath caught as she stroked the other woman’s lips, which were wet and swollen with need. Even now it amazed her to realise she could have this effect on Joan, who held herself so far apart from everyone. Very delicately, Vera teased her lover’s place of entry, careful not to push too far inside, but signalling her willingness to do so if Joan could ever bring herself to ask. Then Vera drew her fingers back to massage her lover’s clit. Lightly at first, and then with a greater force as Joan let out a rough groan, her hips surging forward.
‘Vera, I can’t – ’ Joan’s right hand was wound in Vera’s hair, her left gripping the edge of the couch until her knuckles stood out. Her breath was coming fast. Vera had longed to take her time over this, to work her lover’s trousers down and run her tongue all over her – but there wasn’t time. All she could do was press deeper and move harder, and beg in a whisper ‘Please let go, Joan, I need you…’ Until Joan’s body crested against her, the taller woman biting her own hand, muffling a deep cry in a voice Vera had never heard before.
It was some time before Vera rose to take Joan’s hands and pull her to her feet.
‘I hope you don’t still feel like something’s missing?’ Vera smiled, feeling shy now that it was over, and a little startled by how bold she’d been.
Joan returned the smile, stroking back Vera’s hair before taking her by the shoulders. The taller woman’s grip was loose now, her body more relaxed than Vera had ever seen it. She bent her head to drop a kiss on the corner of Vera’s mouth.
‘No, Vera, I know what I was missing now. You.’