Chapter Text
The worst thing about breaking up with someone, Hyunjin could tell anyone stupid enough to listen, is surely the waking up and going to sleep alone, having to make and eat and plan all your own meals, the constant silence surrounding you, blah blah blah. There’s a special part of Hell right here on earth, one you don’t even realize exists until you’re violently cast into it for the first time. That’s what it was like for Hyunjin anyway, but he’s willing to bet it’s a sort of universal experience.
Anyway.
The worst thing about breaking up with someone, which is where he was getting at, isn’t actually any of those things. It’s the tiny corner of earth’s Hell, the dark and pitiful and cramped space no one likes to acknowledge despite knowing very well that it’s right there, waiting for you to stumble right in when you least expect it. Like when you’re sleeping, for example, to name the most common occurrence in Hyunjin’s case. When your brain is programmed to rest and your body attempts the same thing, and waking up is a slow and hazy process until it suddenly isn’t, because the worst thing about breaking up with someone, the absolute worst thing about breaking up with someone--
Is waking up and rolling over and expecting to find that familiar, soothing presence that you know will lull you right back into dreamland, and getting dunked in icy water because you forgot that they aren’t there anymore.
You know those dreams that feel so vivid that you can’t tell the truth from reality when you wake up? When you have to check your phone for messages or your calendar for dates or even ask someone whether something happened or not? When you dream something so real that you genuinely can’t tell whether you lived it or not, and neither can your brain because that’s simply how the brain works. If someone were to roll you inside an x-ray machine and compare your dreaming patterns to the neurons firing when you’re actually living that thing you dreamed about, well, they wouldn’t look that different, because that’s simply how the human body is wired.
So maybe it’s not that strange that Hell’s Corner exists, or that people don’t talk about it, because Hyunjin sure doesn’t. Hyunjin would rather die, truthfully, than admit to anyone that he thought he was finally over this fucking nightmare that waking up has become, because in dreamland everything’s fine. In dreamland, Hyunjin hasn’t broken up with anyone, and he hasn’t in those seconds he’s slipping out of there either. But when he wakes up and Minho’s body is really only cold sheets and Minho’s breaths is actually dead silence and Minho’s presence is only unforgiving, excruciating loneliness that grabs Hyunjin by the throat as he chokes on regret and longing and pure agony for the fifteen minutes he now needs to pull himself together before getting his legs to carry his trembling body is…
Hyunjin remembers breaking up with Minho then.
***
Showering and getting dressed is merely going through the motions at this point, where nothing spectacular or even remotely interesting happens and Hyunjin realizes how much he’s been seriously underestimating the force of routine. This is what life is like, isn’t it? It wasn’t with Minho, not at first, where they couldn’t keep their hands off each other and giggled happily whenever their eyes met, but that was so long ago, and the final few months with him definitely looked a lot more like Hyunjin’s own mornings have done ever since. It’s difficult not to feel the phantom touch of Minho’s firm hands lathering Hyunjin’s back in soap or the other’s hip bumping his when Hyunjin hogged the sink for too long, because Hyunjin was foolish enough to get used to that with no thought of how reckless he was being with no regards what-so-ever for his future self.
He eyes the fridge reluctantly once he’s dressed, knowing exactly how long the drive is to Changbin’s cabin, but he doesn’t think he can stomach the idea of eating before or during any of it. A water bottle will have to do, and there’s that gas station about halfway there if he changes his mind. Or if Chan pulls over and force feeds him when he learns that Hyunjin skipped another meal, of course. That’s also plausible.
A text from Seungmin lets Hyunjin know that the car has arrived, and he stares at the message for a bit longer while he tries to gather enough strength to pretend like everything’s completely fine when he’s really just fine an estimated two hours a day, or something. How he’s supposed to pretend for almost four whole days is beyond him, truthfully, but he has to give it a shot at least. It’s not like Hyunjin cries all the time - he sometimes does, at random, but he’s getting the hang of that - or like he’ll be pining after his ex with sad eyes and a mopey face. He won’t, because Hyunjin broke up with Minho for a reason and they both know that. Well, Hyunjin probably knows more than Minho does, but it’s not exactly like the older has asked or seemed to particularly care what Hyunjin’s reasons were, so…
So he can do this, Hyunjin tells himself. Squaring his shoulders and taking a deep breath helps, hopefully, and then he grabs his bag in one hand and throws his backpack over his shoulder before stepping out and locking the door to his apartment behind him. It’s fine. He can do this. He’ll think of it as lots of tiny steps where each step will be a victory and take him closer to the finish line, which is getting back to his place and shutting the world out for at least a week so he can get back on his game. Again.
The first step is leaving his building, Hyunjin thinks, because it’s too late to fake sickness and stay back now. He’s slightly ashamed for just considering skipping Changbin’s and Felix’s engagement celebrations, but honestly… Honestly, the last thing Hyunjin wants to do right now is celebrate other people taking major steps in their relationships, while Hyunjin has never felt more lonely in his entire life. Of course he wants Changbin and Felix to get engaged, to marry, to be happy and stay with each other for a long time. Of course he wants that. It’s just not about that, which is difficult to wrap his head around but that’s how it feels. It’s not about wishing them unhappiness, it’s just about the fact that it’s hopelessly draining and horribly dejecting to have another couple’s success right there in his face for such a long time when Hyunjin’s relationship turned out to be a trainwreck and a failure and a detonated bomb that he’s still trying to gather the scraps of himself from.
The second step is entering the car. Hyunjin keeps his eyes down as he opens the trunk of Chan’s SUV, definitely large enough to fit the four of them and their luggage, and takes the spot behind Chan’s driver seat because he knows he’ll fit better there than behind Seungmin, who has a tendency to treat long car rides as a portable nap despite knowing how badly other people might want the passenger seat. Like Hyunjin, for example, who greets the three people inside the car with a simple ‘good morning’ before Chan explains that they’re gonna drive up to the gas station Hyunjin remembers since he will ‘need fuel for my baby and also my baby’, and Seungmin giggles while shuffling songs on the stereo until he’s satisfied, and Minho does nothing.
The third step is surviving the car ride, Hyunjin decides. He tries making general small talk but Chan is too focused on the traffic to speak a full sentence and Seungmin is texting someone while answering half-heartedly and Minho appears to have gone mute in the three months since Hyunjin saw him last, so he gives up. It’s hard to describe the feeling in Hyunjin’s chest when it dawns on him that Minho is genuinely going to ignore him for this whole drive, because being ignored by someone whose opinion and approval used to mean the world to you is painful, but the ache is also an awfully familiar one. It’s not the first time Hyunjin has felt like his existence doesn’t matter much to Minho, the most prominent memory being the very last time they were in a room together. But familiarity doesn’t lessen the hurt, not even as much as it reminds Hyunjin of how different they used to be and how different this trip was supposed to be. It just aches. Like it always does. In his heart and in his head, and he mutters something about catching up on sleep before putting his headphones on and leaning his face against the glass. Away from Minho, and praying that his body will catch up on how badly Hyunjin cannot allow the other into his sleep right now.
It seems like a good plan overall, because Chan sticks by Hyunjin and Seungmin sticks by Minho as they pause to stretch their legs and get snacks. Someone shakes Hyunjin awake carefully, and when he remembers where he is and gets his headphones off, Chan tells him the other two went to find the bathrooms. Chan doesn’t ask about any potential breakfasts or how it feels to see Minho again, because he’s good like that. He doesn’t need to ask to know, which is how Hyunjin prefers it. He doesn’t want to spell anything out, doesn't want to see potential disappointment in another pair of eyes. He knows he should be eating even though he can’t stomach most of it, and it feels absolutely devastating to see Minho again because he’s exactly the same and that means that Hyunjin never mattered to him at all.
But Chan doesn’t ask. He just pats Hyunjin’s back, rubs his shoulder for a bit, and then tells him to pick a sandwich, a drink and something sweet before they leave. Hyunjin does, despite the shameful tears gathering in his chest from being such a mess that Chan feels the need to do this for him. Seungmin and Minho appear around the corner while Chan waves Hyunjin over to pay for their stuff, and Seungmin grumbles playfully about having to pay for himself, God, how bothersome, but he squeezes Hyunjin’s hand so at least he doesn’t need to worry about Seungmin shooting daggers into the back of his head.
The conversation does pick up when they get back on the road, and it’s hard not to notice that Minho replies when asked something and injects tiny bits and pieces into the other two’s stories but he has absolutely nothing to say whenever Hyunjin speaks. He doesn’t scoff or roll his eyes or anything - or at least so Hyunjin thinks, because it’s surprisingly hard to look at Minho without losing his guts - so it’s not like he’s rude, he just… He just acts like Hyunjin isn’t there. Like he doesn’t hear what Hyunjin says and he definitely won’t look in his direction. It’s hard not to notice, but it’s really hard to handle, too.
Hyunjin is reminded of the lump in his throat when Chan was being considerate, even though Minho is being the complete opposite. Maybe he’s just got a constant lump in his throat; it could also be that. But Hyunjin doesn’t know how to act like Minho doesn’t exist or how to pretend like their relationship never happened, because he does and it did. He can’t keep his expression neutral when Minho mentions re-painting the living room and his eyes flicker in the older’s direction when he mentions a check-up for Soonie next week. A check-up for what? And which color is their living room?
He closes his eyes and sighs at himself. It’s not ‘their’ living room, and it’s not Hyunjin’s at all. He moved into Minho’s tiny place and they stayed there and they saved up for a really lovely apartment they had their eyes set on, but then--
Then all of that crumbled into dust before Hyunjin’s eyes, and he hasn’t been able to sweep all of it yet.
Neither of them are probably surprised to see the other car already parked outside Changbin’s cabin, because Jeongin drives like a maniac and Chan doesn’t. Minho and Seungmin head off inside with their luggage in hand, while Hyunjin stays outside in the late summer air to inhale some more of it before dealing with what comes next.
This trip was planned while he and Minho were still together, and he knows that they’re supposed to share a room, and he knows that it would probably be the same one they shared the last time they were here. He knows all of that, has known it all along, he just… He just needs a minute. Just one minute to prepare for how the next four days and three nights will be like, cooped up with a person who clearly can’t stand him and won’t say a single word to him. It won’t be that different from the last month they were together, Hyunjin would guess, but that’s also when he decided that enough was enough and that he couldn’t take another second of the same treatment without anything changing. And now he’s about to relive it, probably. Voluntarily. In the celebration of somebody else’s love, because it sure isn’t Hyunjin’s that is worth celebrating. His love would only attract a funeral service, he thinks.
It seems like Chan is debating what to do because he trailed after his boyfriend and Hyunjin’s ex-boyfriend and stopped once he realized that Hyunjin didn’t, and is lingering by the entrance while watching him. Hyunjin’s skin feels weird. He doesn’t really want to be looked at. He wants to go somewhere quiet and lock the door and hide beneath the covers, but he can’t because that would mean locking the root of his misery in there with him, so…--
“Hyunjinnie hyung!” Jeongin exclaims, rushing out and towards him until he’s thrown himself around Hyunjin’s remarkably thinner body. Jeongin’s been working out recently, courtesy of Jisung and Changbin, and Hyunjin hasn’t even had the energy to eat. It’s only natural, he supposes. “Finally! Come on, I picked the best room for us!”
Hyunjin freezes, only distantly wondering if Jeongin notices. What did he say?
“With the view over the lake! Next to Changbinnie and Lixie hyung! They’ll probably be gross every single night, but so will Channie and Seungminnie hyung so does it really matter? And we’ve got our own bathroom! Come on, come see, I haven’t slept there before!”
Swallowing, Hyunjin sees the room before his eyes as he remembers the last time he was here, coincidentally staying in that exact room. With Minho. Who must have talked to Jisung about switching rooms - no, roommates - because Hyunjin hasn’t heard a single word from anyone about staying with Jeongin, which he doesn’t exactly mind and… and has considered asking for himself, but…
But he didn't ask. He was going to suck it up and stay with Minho, because everyone else are paired up and lovey-dovey and no matter how bitter and jealous Hyunjin is, he doesn’t actually want to ruin the getaway for anyone else, and he figured Minho would be just as miserable as Hyunjin himself anyway, so it shouldn’t have mattered too much, except--
Except Minho clearly cannot stand Hyunjin, and that shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, but God, it hurts. It hurts so much. Hyunjin berates himself for not thinking of this earlier, not foreseeing that this could happen so he could have been slightly prepared, so he could have… He doesn’t know what he could have. Stayed home? Probably not. It’s just another thing to suck up, another piece of awful knowledge to bury far in the back of his head, really. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a really, really low blow. That neither his ex nor two of his friends bothered to tell him in advance. That’s all, Hyunjin supposes.
He can’t bring himself to even try to match Jeongin’s excitement, but Hyunjin puts on the best smile he can and thanks his idiot friends for giving him Jeongin - the youngest and latest addition to their friend group - and not Jisung, who is Minho’s best friend before anything else. Hyunjin likes Jisung, it’s not that, but if there are sides then Jisung is definitely on Minho’s. Hyunjin isn’t sure who is on his. Jeongin is probably quite neutral, like Changbin and Felix. He’s not sure about Seungmin. He knew Minho first, but Hyunjin considers Seungmin to be a very close friend. Chan would probably be on ‘Hyunjin’s side’, considering. Yes, he probably would be.
Changbin and Felix are unpacking when Jeongin leads the way to the room Hyunjin already knows, and they stop so Hyunjin can hug them ‘hello’ and congratulate them on their engagement that’s already a couple of months old but finally being celebrated, since this was the first weekend all eight of them could get their schedules to line up. He only stutters a little bit, which he considers a win, and they look so happy that Hyunjin almost forgets his own loss for a second.
It returns, of course, in full force and everything, when he walks into the next room. He’s stayed here twice before, both times with Minho right next to him, and since they never really went away anywhere else together this place is… Hyunjin hates that the word ‘special’ comes to mind but that’s what it is, because beside Minho’s apartment that soon became theirs and the stray night spent at either of their parents’ houses or at friends’, this is about the only place they’ve been together. Hyunjin doesn’t think he’s been hoping for anything spectacular to happen this time, and he’s definitely been preparing for cold shoulders or cruel words or the occasional tear because he doesn’t know how to make it through four whole days with no escape from Minho otherwise, but this is… This is exhausting to process. Hyunjin is so, so exhausted. Just like every other day.
“Isn’t it pretty?” Jeongin asks, plopping down on the side of the bed that used to be Hyunjin’s. He doesn’t say anything. “And the bed is so comfy, too! I think we’ll spend our time well here, hyung.”
A wry grin spreads over Hyunjin’s face and he can only hope it’s close enough to a regular one that Jeongin won’t tell the difference.
He knows exactly how comfy this bed is, after all.
***
It’s been a while since Hyunjin met up with his friends like this, and the first night is both lively and boisterous and really entertaining as well as it is overwhelming. Minho and Jisung stick together for most of it, which is mainly a relief but also makes Hyunjin slightly nervous, and he finds himself hanging around Chan - who is a calming presence - and Jeongin - who simply takes Hyunjin’s mind off of things - a lot. Felix wants to catch up and is easily distracted - thankfully - as soon as Hyunjin sneaks in questions in return and especially ones about Changbin, because the truth is that Hyunjin has very few things that he’s happy sharing about himself these days and he would truthfully rather listen to the perfect life of Felix and Changbin than talk about what a mess his own is.
There’s a lot of eating, of course, and drinking, naturally. Loud voices and louder laughter echo through the house as they share stories, bring up fond memories, and eventually, bring a deck of cards out for some stupid game that will get them even more drunk. Hyunjin has long since switched to water but no one needs to know that, and no one needs to know that the reason is that he’s simply terrified of doing something embarrassing like cry his eyes out in front of everyone. In front of one person in specific, probably, but rather not anyone if Hyunjin could choose.
It’s not really that he’s embarrassed about crying, or being a person who cries. Everyone here knows that, although some more intricately than others for sure. Hyunjin thinks it’s mostly the endless vulnerability that surrounds him and makes him feel more fragile than he thinks is reasonable for someone three months into a break-up, but he doesn’t really know because he’s never broken up with someone before Minho.
What bothers him isn’t the tears in themselves, since everyone would probably be nice about that and give him cuddles or space if he asked for it. What bothers him is the fact that Hyunjin has no idea if Minho has cried over him even once, and he really doesn’t want to find out by the inevitable distaste on Minho’s face if Hyunjin’s broken gates were to spring open this weekend. He doesn’t want to know. And even though no one can be certain of the reason for Hyunjin’s potential breakdown, everyone would have a close enough guess. Hyunjin hates that. He also hates that their suspicions would be well-founded and most likely correct, and he hates that someone might blame Minho for it and he hates that Minho would be angry with him for crying and he hates that the entire weekend would be ruined because of his stupid tears and some stupid fight and Hyunjin definitely doesn’t want that.
So he keeps it together. He stops drinking and excuses himself repeatedly, for some fresh air, for a refill, for the bathroom. Anything to get him out of the space where Minho sits too close and too far away and goes on with his life as if nothing particularly bothersome has happened to him in years, while Hyunjin felt like he could tell up from down for the first time last week.
Of course, that’s when he woke up and forgot again, so he might have celebrated too quickly. It’s just hard to restrain himself when he hasn’t felt remotely happy about anything in a really, really long time.
It’s a small relief when Jeongin comes up, clingier than usual, and claims to be tired. It’s the perfect excuse for Hyunjin to slip away for good, escaping the day and all the people in it, and he throws his arm over Jeongin’s shoulders as they tell everyone ‘good night’ and head upstairs. It’s a little bit fun to brush their teeth together and discover that their sleepwear kind of match, and Hyunjin is once again reminded of how nice it is to be paired up with Jeongin. They found each other quickly and Hyunjin introduced the younger to the rest, and even though Jeongin took a liking to Jisung very quickly as well they’ve stayed pretty close. Hyunjin supposes that having boyfriends that are each other’s best friends will do that to two people.
He doesn’t fall asleep immediately, but Hyunjin doesn’t even know if that’s physically possible for him anymore. He can’t remember the last time he laid down at night and simply fell asleep, and he can’t tell if Jeongin’s presence makes it harder or easier on him either. It’s easier than what being next to Minho would have been, most likely, but it’s probably harder than all the other nights by himself in Hyunjin’s apartment. But it’s not too bad, because Jeongin sticks to his side and only hogs his own covers and he doesn’t even snore. Also, he’s cuter when he’s asleep, so it’s really not that bad at all.
When Hyunjin wakes up, he instinctively realizes that it’s far too early to be awake. He rubs his eyes and sits up before reaching for his phone, only to realize that there’s a light coming from the opening of the door and that there’s a person standing there. If Hyunjin wasn’t half-asleep, he’d probably be terrified. But he’s not, because that’s Minho, and Hyunjin has woken up and seen him first thing a thousand times. The strange circumstances wakes him up remarkably faster than usual at least, and Hyunjin’s heart only hurts the normal way. Not in Hell’s Corner kind of way, and isn’t that a relief?
“Hey?” Minho calls quietly. Hyunjin can’t really see the expression in his eyes, but he wonders what they look like. “Jeongin, are you up? Jeonginnie?”
(Hyunjin’s heart hurts slightly worse than the normal way. Of course Minho didn’t come here for him.)
“Hey,” Hyunjin murmurs, reaching out to run his hand over Jeongin’s stirring body, finding his arm and squeezing it. “Innie, hey, you gotta wake up. Someone’s here for you.”
“Jeonginnie?” Minho tries again from the door, probably seeing the way Jeongin moves as he becomes more aware of his surroundings. “It’s Jisung. He’s asking for you. Something happened.”
“What?” Jeongin replies, voice thick with sleep but resolutely more alert than earlier. “Minho hyung? Something happened? Now?”
“Yeah,” Minho says, short-clipped and sort of urgent, now that Hyunjin looks more closely. “His brother called, it’s… He said something about their dad. I don’t know. He wanted me to get you.”
Hyunjin wonders if Jeongin can hear the tinge of resentment in Minho’s voice, or if that’s just what being privy to hearing it bestowed upon yourself has done to him. Because Hyunjin hears it, maybe not loud but definitely clear. As long as he’s not getting too far ahead of himself, he thinks he knows the reason for it as well.
“Okay,” is all Jeongin says, hair all over the place as he struggles for a corner of the duvet to pull it off and get out of bed in order to follow Minho downstairs again. “Okay, I’m coming, I’m… I’m coming.”
Left in his own company, Hyunjin lets his thoughts run wild. He’s awake either way, and he can’t help wondering what’s about to happen next, and he’s also wondering what might have already happened. Jisung’s dad isn’t sick as far as Hyunjin knows, but he supposes it’s possible that he actually might not know such things. He’s only seen Jisung twice or something since it happened, Jeongin a handful of times, but none of them have brought anyone’s parents up and Hyunjin is pretty sure he would’ve remembered. He figures it wasn’t really his place to come along so he didn’t, and Hyunjin hopes that was the right thing to do. He doesn’t want either of those three to have more reason to dislike him, and especially not Jeongin who Hyunjin thinks regards him most kindly.
When he puts the topic of Jisung’s dad on hold, a more pressing one on Hyunjin’s account approaches. Something clearly happened that upset Jisung, and he sent his roommate and best friend to get his boyfriend, because apparently that was necessary for whatever transpired. Does that mean Jisung will want Jeongin to stay with him tonight? Every night? And does that mean that Minho will come in here, like originally? Is he gonna take the couch downstairs and humiliate Hyunjin further by letting all their friends know that he’d rather sleep in bright light with no mattress than in the same room as Hyunjin? Will Jisung want to leave and go home? They came in Jeongin’s car after all. Then Hyunjin and Minho would have one room each, right? But would they really leave in the middle of the night?
“Hyung?” Jeongin calls quietly, clearly trying not to wake the couple next door once he re-enters their room. Hyunjin’s eyes are accustomed enough to see the younger’s regretful expression, and his stomach swoops. Oh, no. “Oh, you’re still up.”
“Of course,” Hyunjin replies, steeling himself for Jeongin to deliver even more humiliating news regarding his sleeping arrangements than earlier today. “What’s going on? Is Jisungie okay?”
“His dad had a heart attack,” Jeongin says, voice trembling but so are his hands when he approaches the bed with heavy steps. “He’s okay, though, the doctors managed to stop it before it got too bad. Jisung wanted to leave but his mom said no, maybe tomorrow. I don’t know. But he asked me to stay with him tonight. Is that…? Hyung, do you think…?”
“Of course,” Hyunjin repeats, automatically. This part he’s been prepared for. He just needs to know what Minho is doing about that. He wishes he already knew and this knot of dread would let go of him. “Yeah, Innie, of course you should stay with him. He must be really upset. I’m so sorry, that’s really scary.”
Jeongin nods, looking down onto his feet rather than Hyunjin’s eyes. Oh, God.
“Hyung said… Minho hyung said that… That, uh, I--”
“What?” Hyunjin whispers. “What did he say?”
“That…,” Jeongin visibly hesitates one more time before sighing. “He said to ask you if he and I could switch or if he should stay downstairs. If you’d rather be alone.”
Hyunjin exhales. Relief. That’s what’s flooding through him. It’s up to him to decide. There won’t be an awkward run-in in the morning where someone accidentally sits on Minho’s face and there’s lots of screaming and no one understands what he’s doing there and Jisung will explain about his dad and everyone will come to their own conclusions and--
“Hyunjinnie hyung?” Jeongin asks, looking like he’d much rather go downstairs to his boyfriend than watch Hyunjin overthink things for the billionth time. “What should I tell him?”
“Tell him to switch with you,” Hyunjin replies, already knowing his decision. It’s what he’d been preparing for all along. “Tell him to come here. It’s okay. There’s eight actual beds. Well, four really large ones, but--”
“Okay,” Jeongin interrupts, nodding as he stands to leave again. “I’ll tell him. Thanks, hyung. See you tomorrow.”
He’s gone before Hyunjin can say anything remotely similar in response, but he’s not really the person Jeongin wants to see right now either so it’s… fine, really. Hyunjin isn’t sure on how much he wants to see Minho, per se, but he thinks this is the better outcome for both of them. No couch will do Minho’s back any wonders, no matter how comfortable, and no pitying looks in the morning either. Regarding Hyunjin, that is. This will have to do.
He’s back on his side, on top of the sheets and mostly covered by the duvet, when he hears the bare feet padding outside the door before stopping. It's like Minho can’t decide whether to knock or not, but eventually he enters almost soundlessly. All those years of dancing really allows him to sneak up on people quieter than Soonie does, despite being unable to practice anymore.
God, he’s thinking about it again. Hyunjin needs to get himself together or pretend to be asleep. One of those things. He can’t be in bed next to Minho and reminisce about the past, because he already knows that there’s no part of him that will be able to handle that.
Minho doesn’t speak as he moves, but he sighs a bit and plugs his phone in before Hyunjin feels the mattress shift beside him. His heart rate picks up embarrassingly fast, but Minho can’t hear that, right? Not with their backs towards each other like this, doing everything in their power not to touch. Hyunjin wants to kick himself. Was this a bad idea? He’s wide awake now, no sleep anywhere in sight. It’ll probably take him at least an hour, if he were to guess. His body hasn’t reacted this violently in ages, apart from when he’s at his absolute saddest. His heart is racing, his palms feel clammy, his eyes are darting back and forth despite only staring into the drawer by the wall. Jeongin took the side looking out over the water. The one Hyunjin used to sleep on with Minho right here. Fuck.
Fuck, now he’s thinking about that. About the first night when Hyunjin stared in awe and Minho held him closely from behind, spooning while they talked in hushed voices about wonderful and hopeful things Hyunjin doesn’t want to remember. About a morning the second time they came where Minho woke him up from a similar position, and then Hyunjin watched with heavy eyelids as the water rippled in much the same way that the duvet did over his own body as Minho touched him just right. About that one time the cold glass of the window pressed into his naked back and he only saw Minho, but maybe the older had been able to tell if the fog above the autumn gray lake matched the breath that came out of Hyunjin’s mouth as he gasped and--
Hyunjin shifts, turning around before realizing that that was a horribly bad idea. There’s Minho’s broad shoulders, right in front of him, dark shirt against beige sheets and tousled brown hair that never seemed to fall the exact way Minho wanted it to. Regret makes Hyunjin’s stomach turn. God, this was such a bad idea. What is wrong with him? Maybe he will need to take the couch in order to sleep tonight. Oh, God.
Maybe he should just go home. If Hyunjin leaves with Jisung and Jeongin tomorrow, faking sick or whatever, then Minho can stay here and have the room to himself and he can go home with the remaining four in Chan’s car. That would be the best course of action, wouldn’t it? Hyunjin should just go. He should leave, since he didn’t fully want to come in the first place. It will be easier if he leaves. It wouldn’t be the first time, right?
He scrunches his eyes together. Hell, Minho would see it that way, wouldn’t he? That’s not…
He sighs. Hyunjin needs a distraction and he needs one desperately. Immediately.
“Hey?” he whispers. So quietly he can barely hear it himself. “Minho?”
To nobody’s surprise, there’s no answer. God, Hyunjin feels sick. Is Minho going to ignore him to punish him further even now? Just the two of them? Here?
“Are you awake?” he tries again. He doesn’t really care what Minho says or how he says it, it’s just… Well, Hyunjin’s desperation stems from something else, now. “Hyung?”
“What?” Minho sighs, so quiet and exasperated that Hyunjin almost misses it. He has to blink the blurry sheen out of his eyes.
“Nothing,” Hyunjin says automatically.
He doesn’t want Minho to be angry with him. He never has, that’s never been it. He just needs Minho to be… something with him. Something that isn’t raw, cold indifference. Hyunjin thought he knew what every side to Minho was like, but he doesn’t know this one. He’s never seen Minho behave the way he’s been doing today.
“I just wanted to ask,” he mumbles, fearing that Minho might dislike him even more if he bothers him without some sort of explanation, “how you… How it felt when Jisung wanted Jeongin to come. That you switched rooms. How do you feel?”
Minho shifts, unanswering.
“Not… not regarding this,” Hyunjin clarifies, because he knows very well that Minho tried to avoid this exact situation. To avoid him. “I mean with Jisung. That Innie’s there now instead of you. I’m just… Just asking how you are, I guess. Considering everything.”
“Well…,” Minho murmurs, very unexpectedly before letting a deep sigh out. Hyunjin can practically see the familiar body before him sink further into the mattress. “Considering that I’ve known Jisung and also his family for far longer that Innie’s been around and that I was right there beside him, knowing all the history with his dad and everything and he still preferred Innie over his life-long best friend? Is that what you mean?”
Hyunjin's heart aches. He wants to reach out so badly, wants to comfort Minho because he’d never say this to anyone else, because the sadness is tangible even though Minho tries to hide it. But there’s no way. He can’t do that. He can’t ever do that again, Hyunjin knows as much. He walked away from any chance of that.
“Yes,” he simply answers.
“I’m used to it, I guess,” Minho says quietly. He doesn’t sound angry, which is nice in a way, but this disappointed and let-down voice isn’t one Hyunjin favors either. He really wonders when he last saw Minho happy. “It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. ‘Just sucks not to be someone’s first choice when you’re used to being exactly that.”
Hyunjin swallows. “Have you told Jisung that?”
“Nope.”
He takes another shaky breath. He has to know.
“You never told me that, either.”
“You didn’t make me feel like that,” Minho replies, far softer than Hyunjin would have guessed. Maybe it’s because Minho feels as drained and exhausted and lifeless as Hyunjin has been feeling lately and doesn’t have the energy to fight. Maybe not.
“Really?”
“Really,” Minho says. “You know how much I detest lying. I didn’t feel second place to anyone with you. To your art, maybe, but that’s… Anyway, it’s not the same.”
Hyunjin has to take a moment to process, he feels. This isn’t their first time discussing how Minho has felt sort of left out ever since Jisung fell in love and focused basically all of his energy and time into Jeongin and their relationship. It makes sense, of course, since Jisung has always been single before that and there’s a difference between the time you take for your friends when there’s only them to spend time with compared to when you inevitably have to split it once you enter a relationship. But Jisung used to spend a lot of time with Minho and Hyunjin before Jeongin entered the equation, and the four of them hung out a lot as Jisung and Jeongin got to know each other as well. When they became official and Jisung confessed and found out Jeongin returned his feelings, though… Well, even Hyunjin noticed the difference then. When Jisung texted less and less, declined when invited over because the younger couple already had plans which seemingly never stretched an invite anywhere in return. He’s not sure Jisung himself ever noticed and since Minho refuses to bring it up, there’s not much to be done, Hyunjin figures, but… But it’s still sad. Whether Hyunjin broke up with Minho or not, he’s still really, genuinely sad to know that Minho still feels put aside by his best friend.
“I’m surprised you remember,” Minho says after a quiet moment, moving his legs for a second further down the bed. “It’s… been a while. Since we talked about this.”
“I remember everything,” Hyunjin answers on pure reflex. He does and it’s true, but…
Did he really have to say it like that?
“Thanks,” Minho replies, waiting a beat longer than necessary this time as well but seemingly intent on keeping an actual conversation now that he entered it. “For asking. No one knows and it’s kinda weird that you do. I don’t really know how to handle the fact that you did remember and that you know all my secrets even when… Well.”
“Well,” Hyunjin says carefully, breath in his throat, “that goes both ways, at least. And you don’t have to thank me. I’m glad if I helped.”
Silence falls upon them, but Hyunjin thinks he might be able to fall asleep in this one. Eventually. Hopefully.
“See you tomorrow?” he asks in a small voice, unable to keep it in.
Minho hums. It’s good enough.